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Chapter 15 - Bad Love

Harm sat out on the balcony of his old room overlooking the Pacific ocean. It was late afternoon and the sun began dipping into the horizon casting an orange glow on the skies. He took a breath and let it out slowly, the sea air was calling to him and for a moment he envisioned being out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but ocean all around. Sunsets looked particularly beautiful from the edge of the fantail. He wasn't sure how much daylight was left and ruefully thought that Mac would up to the very last second.

"Stop thinking of her." He said out loud but knew it was hopeless to stop himself. So instead he turned his attention skyward and daydreamed a little about super cruising with the Tomcat's wings swept back slicing through the skies. It was an awesome feeling of pure adrenaline that he felt from head to toe.

Mac experienced some of it on the first F14 flight she went on with him. She felt the power of the aircraft, the sensation of being so free although it made her sick. Any teasing she ever slammed him with about being a 'flyboy' died that day and especially after ejecting in Russia from a MIG. He thought about that day over and over - the fact that he could have killed her over his obsession to find his father. Surprisingly she'd taken the ejection better than he did, a fact that made him chuckle.

"Not that I don't want to give you a little privacy but a son comes to see his mother and hides away in his room all day?" Trish's voice said from behind. She'd been watching him for the better part of ten minutes wondering what had her son so distraught that he couldn't sense her presence.

He grinned. "I haven't been here all day."

"No? You've been sitting there for the better part of four hours, my dear." She sat next to him, slipped a hand into his and raised it up to her lips, kissing the back of Harm's hand. "What's troubling my favorite son?"

"You do realize I'm your only son?"

"Semantics...Now spill it."

Harm took a breath. There was a reason he never really spoke to his mother when it came to difficult subjects. The woman could read him like an open book, always could, which was why he left home as fast as the Navy could take him. "Am I that transparent?"

"You always have been. If it's about your father, I'm fine. I know you don't want to hear this but, I made peace with him never coming home a very long time ago."

He hadn't. It was like a pit that he'd fallen into and couldn't quite come out of. Even now Harm was second guessing himself, wondering if he needed to search elsewhere and maybe… maybe he would have found his father before he'd been killed. All of the time he wasted searching in Laos when his father was on another part of the planet. "I never could let it go and took it out on Frank. I apologized, you know."

"He told me. I know it may be hard for you to believe but Frank loves you like you were his."

"I know that. I wish I could go back and change things, I made your life hell, tried to break you up."

"You were a pain in the ass if you don't mind my saying but, Frank loved me and he knew that we came as a set."

"So you're okay?"

Trish stared out into the ocean, the sea always had a calming effect on her which is why she quickly decided moving to San Diego was best for her family when Frank suggested it. "Yes. At least I will be. Your adventure in Russia though." She whistled long and sighed. "I don't want to think what would happen if Mac wasn't there with you."

"Don't mention her, please."

When they said 'A mother knows' that statement wasn't more true than at that very moment. "I have to say, I find her amazing and quite a catch."

"Mom, don't start."

"Then admit it."

"Admit what?"

Trish groaned, this whole pulling teeth was getting tiresome given how old he was. "Oh c'mon Harmon. You haven't had that look in your eyes since you kissed Becky Gallo when you were 10 and came home smitten. You certainly didn't have that look around Diane who you claimed to have feelings for. Face it, if you haven't already: you're in love"

In love. What was that term tormenting him so much these days? It was like no matter what he didn't he couldn't tear himself away from what he felt for Mac. So he just stood there, staring into the horizon wishing the sand would crawl up the house and swallow him whole. "Does she not love you back? Is that the problem?"

"She does love me."

"Then what is it? What's wrong?"

"I'm going back to a carrier full time." There, he said it and the air rushed out of his lungs as he let out the longest sigh ever. Harm could feel her eyes on him almost uncomfortably so and he winced when she spoke.

"To fly?"

"Yes." He nodded. Got my eyes fixed...been talking to Tom Boone and he was able to get me another shot. I have to take it because it's now or never and I just… I have to." She said nothing just kept staring and he wondered if this was just another person he needed to keep his intentions from. "Mom, say something."

"No."

"No? This is what I went to the Academy for. It's what I've wanted more than anything for all of my life."

And then, she dropped an atom bomb on him that he wasn't expecting. "Are you with Mac?"

"Yes. Well, sort of…"

"Sort of?"

"She doesn't like the idea of me leaving."

"Smart woman."

He wouldn't catch a break here either. "Not you too."

"You're willing to give up the woman you love to fly a plane? Harmon, I raised you better than that! You're gonna break that poor girl's heart."

And that was the part that had him second guessing his plans. Yes, his mind was made up, he needed to finish what he started to get that closure he desired so much. But, the trade off of losing Mac weighed heavily on his soul. "I don't want to do that which is why I'm going to break it off with her before things get too serious. I won't do what dad did to you. This way she can find someone new."

Even as he said the words they hurt like a living breathing monster that was gnawing at his heart. He didn't want to see Mac with someone else when the thought of any other man touching her made him want to rage. No doubt, with him gone, Mic Brumby would likely be first in line with that arogan, pompous attitude that Harm managed to squash.

"Oh, Harm. You really believe she'll be happier with someone else?"

"Yes." It was sound logic if she could find a man that was stable and whole unlike himself a man too scared to commit.

Trish stood up on a sigh and pressed a hand to his shoulder squeezing a little harder than she intended. She'd long since stopped trying to make sense of some of his obsessions. They were both far too old for childish arguments which lead to months and months of them not speaking. "I hope Sarah MacKenzie is the forgiving kind because you're going to learn the hard way how difficult it is to fall out of love."

"That's it? No impartial words of wisdom? You're not going to try and stop me?"

She shook her head. "No. You've always been stubborn, Harm. Infuriating just like your father was, it's the one trait I'd really hope you wouldn't adopt. I'm not going to tell you no because you are going to do what you want anyway. Grandma Sarah and I couldn't drill that out of you so…"

"So?"

"Don't let flying be the most important thing in your life. One day, your time there will be over. You don't need that lifeline not when the very thing keeping you sane is right in front of you."

"Mac?"

She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Stay safe, will you? And please come home."

Harm sat outside for a while longer, his mother's and Jordan's words each causing him to think until he was too tired to do so. He knew if he stayed he'd come to resent Mac for it and that wasn't fair to her. There would always be that question weighing over his head, if he still had the right stuff to be one of the Navy's best.

And so he would let her go and run away as fast as possible before his heart knew what hit it.

"I'm sorry, Mac."

The cherry red Corvette glistened as Mac drove it down the street, it's engine purring, a sound she'd relished from the moment the salesman took her for a spin just two days ago. It was an impulse buy and not something she normally did but she crunched the numbers, traded in the Jeep and happily drove away with the new vehicle. Carefully she slid the car next to Harm's spot which was oddly empty for the time of day.

She was excited to show him the car and expected him to beg her to drive it, a ploy she would resist for a bit. In her mind Mac already imagined him behind the wheel showing her exactly what a powerful engine could do with an expert touch. If he drove the sports car the way he flew a Tomcat it would be exciting to see and frankly, a bit of a turn on.

Mac could see him navigating the car out of the crowded city and through the country roads that led to some bed and breakfast right on the coast. She'd place her hand over his that rested on the gearshift, intertwined their fingers and just enjoyed that simple touch. They needed a long weekend where they could leave JAG and aircraft carriers and the whole military behind. She wanted to just be with him and let him know that she understood and supported him despite her heart feeling so heavy at his impending departure.

They'd talked on the phone once or twice, he arrived fairly late and promised to see her soon. Perhaps she missed the twinge in his voice because the moment Mac headed into the bullpen she noticed something was definitely off. His office was shuttered, blinds drawn and absolutely dark but, what caught her eye the most was the name plate above the door - the one that Jordan had stared at months ago when Mac diligently signed off on documents he needed - it was gone. The only thing left was the metal frame where it once was attached.

The sinking feeling worsened and her stomach tied itself in knots. She rushed through the bullpen making a beeline for Chegwidden's office even as the desire to vomit reared its head. "Tiner, is he in?"

Even the yoman who was almost always cheerful was devoid of any mirth. He sighed heavily upon seeing Mac and then motioned for her to step through the anteroom and into the main office. "I'm afraid he's expecting you."

What happened next Mac couldn't exactly remember save for the bits and pieces that played in the back of her mind like a broken record. "He's gone, Major. Happened this morning. Any sailor who doesn't want to be in my outfit can go."

Harm's resignation had been processed swiftly because he'd already moved up the channels and a change in designator had been approved. In just a few weeks time the Patrick Henry would depart and one Harmon Rabb Jr. would now be part of its airwing.

Mac found herself at his apartment although she didn't remember how she got there or when he'd let her in. They sat side by side on his sofa staring into space as the storm clouds from an impending storm cast a dark and eerie glow across the loft. "Were you even planning on telling me or just sneaking off hoping I wouldn't notice?"

"Chegwidden kicked me out. Said something about me wrestling alligators and not being a team player." He was hoping to have a few more weeks to get everything in order and at least finish off the cases he and Mac had on their dockets. His commanding officer's judgement was swift and it likely had more to do with Harm going behind his back than the desire to leave JAG.

"I thought about this a lot the last few days. I hate that you feel you need to go back but I won't beg you to stay if I do you'll just resent me. I don't want to be the noose that keeps you here. So, I'm willing to wait."

Harm shook his head. "It can't be like that between us, Mac. You know it can't. I still don't know where I'll be stationed. It's better if we broke things off." The words came out of his mouth like acid burning everything in its wake. It actually hurt to say them but it also made a great weight come off his shoulders.

The more Harm thought about it the more he realized Jordan was right - it wasn't fair to ask Mac to wait. She wasn't his wife. She wasn't his… anything really. Just the girl you love. Because their relationship hadn't really gone much further than several passion filled nights. At least that was what he was leading himself to believe in order to make this easier.

"So what am I to you exactly? Just another notch on the great Harmon Rabb Junior's belt?" Mac spat out unable to stop the hot tears from sliding down her cheeks if she tried. They were the angry kind, the ones she could not control when the emotions ran so high. "I thought I meant something to you."

"You did...you do. I have feelings for you."

She laughed dryly and stood up when he tried to brush away the tears with his thumb. "Ah, right… feelings."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Too late."

Harm had the audacity to be upset with her tone as if she were the only one hurting from this situation. He stood and began pacing on the opposite side of his coffee table. "Goddamnit, Mac! You think this is easy for me? I never asked to have my wings clipped. I never threw the towel in. My life was taken from me and I had to find a way to adapt. I needed something else to do."

"So JAG was a fall back position? Biding your time until you figured things out? How adult of you."

"You're one to talk about being an adult, Mac. At least I'm adult enough to know when to end things rather than run around forgetting to divorce someone while having an affair with another man." He deserved it; the crack of her palm against his cheek followed by that stinging sensation that made him feel like his eye would pop out of its socket. Harm knew he deserved it the moment that particular kind of venom came out of his mouth. It actually shocked him that he could be so crass; his mother and grandmother had raised a better man than this. But the intense shame, the want to beg for forgiveness vanished the moment Sarah MacKenzie walked out of his door without so much as a glance his way.

Hadn't he wanted to break things off with her? To end things on his terms in effort to stop that slow, painful separation? Harm got far more than he bargained for. Suddenly his precious plane didn't seem as important anymore.

"What have I done?" It was too late to stop the downward slide. He'd made a decision and was going to have to stick to it and find a way to eradicate her from his heart.

This time it wasn't Jordan's reassuring voice that he heard, the psychologist's mind that urged him on. It was his mother's and the parting wisdom he refused to listen to until it was too late: 'You're going to learn the hard way how difficult it is to fall out of love.'