Just like Heidi

We continued the school day like normal, going from class to class and pretending like nothing happened. Cartman was glancing at me strangely all day, as if I was gonna disappear in thin air. I looked back at him a few times and smiled, to reassure him I guess, but he just averted his gaze to his hands and twiddled his fingers. He seemed to be deep in thought all day, and I wish he'd just tell me what he's thinking about, but I figure I can ask him at lunch. After all, he has no reason not to trust me, right?

Lunch rolled around, and I tried to talk to Cartman about what he seemed to be stressing over, but he wasn't paying attention to me or anyone really. I asked Kenny to talk to him, but Kenny said to me,

"He's not gonna listen to me in this state. He never does. It has to be you."

I groaned, but I knew that he was right. If I wanted to know something, then I needed to ask him directly. Knowing Cartman, he might just avoid the question and try to distract me, but I know him better than that. I know if something's bothering him, he's not gonna stop thinking about it until it's resolved. He likes to convince people that he's okay, and he knows what they're thinking all the time.

How people work.

I'll admit, he does know his way around a crowd from time to time, but there's scarce times that Cartman truly doesn't know what's going on, or what to think. That's where I come in, and reassure him. Make sure he knows that everything is fine.

If I were to do that back when we were kids, he would've called me gay or something along that string of thought. Little did we know.

We sat down at the lunch table farthest from the staff, to spout as much obscenities as we please. Not like they'd care either way, we are seniors after all, but just to be safe. Besides, sometimes we take it a little too far with our insults and opinions.

I noticed Cartman eating half of his burger, taking medium sized bites at a time, almost finishing the whole thing.

"I'm really proud of you Cartman." I said, gaining all their attentions.

"For what?"

"For how much you've grown."

Cartman blushes a bit, making the other two giggle. Kenny pulled out a chocolate bar and handed it to Butters happily, saying something under his hood I didn't quite pick up. Butters thanked him and ate it happily. I think Kenny and Butters would be cute together, if they were gay. I'm not saying they aren't gay, since they've neither confirmed nor denied the idea before, but if they are I hope they consider each other as a declaration of their love. It'd be pretty amazing to see.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned, thinking it was Stan, but saw Craig instead.

"Oh, hey Craig."

"Hey, you and Cartman meet us at Tweek bros, okay?"

"Sure man. What time?"

"After school. You can go home first, but show up before 4:30 or we're leaving."

"Kay. Seeya then."

Craig left, and Cartman murmured, probably to himself "Concise asshole."

"He's just a bit unfeely."

"And bossy. And monotone. How does Tweek ever know what he's feeling?"

"He's not emotionless Cartman, he's just very straightforward. He says only what he needs to and nothing else. I think it's admirable, in a way."

"Really now? What other guys in this school do you find 'admirable'?"

A thing I learned quickly in dating Cartman is that he's extremely jealous and clingy. Perhaps I should've expecting nothing less, given he has prominent abandonment and trust issues. I've learned to be patient in times like this, thanks to years of torment from the man in question, close minded parents and a naggy yet misguided little brother, but I can't help but feel a little angered when he says things like this. I know he's just masking his jealousy with insults phrased as a question, but it's become a knee-jerk reaction at this point to quip back at him without remorse.

"I admire a lot of guys here."

"Yeah, I bet you admire them all over the place. On your back, on your knees.."

"Not like that asshole!"

"Sure Kahl."

I rolled my eyes and decided not to continue this conversation further, as it might end up with me outing myself in front of Kenny and Butters, which I am not ready for just yet. I'm not sure why I don't want to come out to them, it's not like they're gonna judge me, but if Stan's reaction could go wrong then there's no telling how they could react. Things could fly off the rails in a matter of seconds with one wrong word. I don't want to mess this up. If I'm gonna come out, I wanna do it when I'm good and ready, and that's just not right now.

Butters kept staring at me the whole ride back home. I wanted to ask what his deal was, but something told me it was nothing and I should just ignore him. His gaze stayed on me for an uncomfortable amount of time, but I pretended not to notice and just bring it up with Cartman later when we alone.

Thankfully, that time came quickly, and Cartman and I were off the bus before I knew it. On the walk back to his house, Butters followed slowly behind us to his house, so I had to wait until he was gone to bring up his strange behaviour. I waited until Cartman and I were inside his house and in his room to bring it up.

"Hey, Butters was acting weird today."

"Weird, like how?"

"Like, he wouldn't stop staring at me. Did I do something stupid today?"

Cartman swallowed hard, and looked back at me with a nervous smile.

"I kind of told him you and I were dating."

He..

What?!

"Cartman! I specifically told you I wasn't ready to come out yet! What the hell?!"

"Listen, it was my old option. I slipped up and said something and he got curious. What else was I supposed to do?"

"You still told him after I said no! Goddammit, why are you so insensitive?"

"Lighten up Jew, you said you didn't want to come out. I did it for you, so technically you didn't come out. Your welcome."

"I thought you were past this. I thought you changed, and that you were most courteous towards my feelings, but I guess I was wrong."

"Come on Kahl, you don't mean that. I have changed."

"You're not acting like it. And my name is not 'Kahl'!"

I left his room quickly, going to Stan's house. I know he and I aren't the best of friends at the moment, but if he's still the Stan I remember, then he should take me in during my time of need. And right now, I need to be away from Cartman.

I can't believe he did that. I told him I didn't want to come out. That I wasn't ready. That I wanted to wait a little longer, and for him to completely ignore me. To take things into his own hands, not even considering how I felt, is so selfish! I wanted to believe he changed. I tried so hard to convince myself that he was better now. That he wouldn't use me, or belittle me. How could I be so foolish?! The worst part is, I still love him. Even though he betrayed my trust and exposed my deepest secret behind my back, I still love him. I still want to date him, and hold him at night. I want him to kiss me like he did last night. God, that kiss was nothing short of magical. Even thinking about it makes my body shudder in glee. I sound so fucking gay right now. Even more than that, I sound insane. How could I still be so madly in love with someone like him, after what he did. Heck, after everything he's ever done. I must sound delusional. No wonder Stan doesn't understand my love for him. I can't help his jealousy, or his lack of perspective.

I showed up on Stan's doorstep, and knocked vigorously. Last time I was here was when Stan kissed me. Not my fondest memory. Stan answered, as he was the only one home.

"Kyle? What are you doing here? I thought we were gonna call."

"I needed to get away for a moment. Can I come in?"

"Yeah dude, of course."

Stan moved so I could walk in, and shut the door behind me, locking it. I wonder why he took the time to lock it. That's probably not important. Maybe it's just a safety measure.

Stan and I walked up to his room, not making eye contact for a second. After what happened today, I don't blame him. Although, he did grab me, so if anything, I should be the one awkward with him. We finally made it up to his bedroom, and after taking a seat on his bed he closed the door behind him.

"Let me guess, it's Cartman."

"How'd you know?"

"Not important, what happened? What did he do?"

"He was so insensitive! I told him I didn't want to come out yet, and he completely ignore and betrayed me. He told Butters. I said I didn't want anyone to know, yet he told the one person in this town who can't keep a secret. What is wrong with him? I thought he changed! I saw how he changed, but I guess somethings don't change, huh?!"

"Yikes, that sounds bad. Did he at least apologise?"

"No! He told me to 'lighten up'. What an inconsiderate asshole!"

"I know. Not gonna say I didn't tell you so Kyle. I warned you about how Cartman is, and I thought you had enough common sense to listen."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, no offense Kyle. I just thought you, of all people, would know better than to date Cartman. He's the kid that's notorious for manipulating others. Of course, you didn't realise it until he hurt you. It's fine now though cause you're over him."

"Woah woah, hold the phone Stanley. I never said I was over him."

"It seemed to be building up to that. Are you not?"

"No!"

"Oh god, really Kyle? Even after he tells your biggest secret after you tell him not to, you're still sticking with him? Do I have to remind you what he's capable of? He doesn't love you back dude. He doesn't love anyone, not even his own mom. You're just setting yourself up to get your heart broken."

"Shut up Stan, you don't know what you're talking about. You haven't seen what Cartman is like when we're alone. He's actually really good to me."

Stan's jaw dropped and he quietly said, "Y-you sound just like her."

"Who?"

"Heidi! You sound just like Heidi! Like, word for word."

No way, I don't...

Holy shit! I do.

No, I'm nothing like her. She didn't know Cartman like I do. I can see past his tricks.

Can I? If I was being tricked, I wouldn't know.

Oh

My

God.

What have I done?!

I actually love this chapter. Not because it's superior to the others, but because of the moment it came into my brain. I was at my grandma's house for the weekend, and since she has no wifi, my brother and I were forced to watch South park reruns until 3 AM. The episode where Heidi tried to break up with Cartman came on, and I watched the scenes thinking 'wait..' until it hit me.

"Oh my god, I can use this!"

and I hurriedly scribbled the lines down in my sketchbook so I didn't forget. My brother questioned my mental state the whole time, but it was all worth it.

~Craigory