CHAPTER 35
"Was what you said true?" Ellana repeated. "About the review and the orb?"
Her anger was still hot like a flame. However, Ellana calmed a bit, seeing how her harsh questions caused Solas' hands to shake as he gripped the steering wheel. A storm was coming, the clouds dark and ominous, and she did not want to inadvertently cause a car crash. Sinking down in the passenger seat, she pulled the scratchy blanket up underneath her chin, waiting for Solas to answer.
Her memories of the library and the Fade were fragmentary. The experience had transformed her in a way she couldn't quite articulate. For the first time in a month, her mind was clear of whispers. Although she was still unclear on their exact meaning, or source, uncovering a small piece of the mystical puzzle comforted Ellana.
Not to mention Professor Fen'Harel's confession about why he had written the polemic of Fade Objects. She had some sympathy for his motivations, even if she thought them somewhat patronizing. A small part of her enjoyed, however, that he had finally admitted the truth. And called her lovely.
"Everything we spoke about in that room was honest," Solas continued, his eyes not wavering from the asphalt. Traffic was heavy. "There were, however, several omissions of my suspicions of what happened and why."
He paused, glancing up at the rearview mirror to let a car pass them by.
"I have to admit," Solas continued, "That was quite a performance, I was fooled. Leliana underestimates you. It was clever to continue that charade."
Ellana wasn't sure what had compelled her to act in such a way in front of the red-haired woman. She knew that she didn't care for the Leliana's treatment of her as a pawn, or the velvet of the purple tracksuit she almost always seemed to wear. Only, she had thought Solas and Leliana to be playing the same game.
"I thought you and Leliana were friends?" Ellana quieted, leaning back in her seat. She made a mental note to ask about the 'omissions' later.
"That is complicated. I trust Leliana with my life, but I think we disagree with what my life should be like. I've attempted to retire from consulting for years. My research, as you can understand now, is too invaluable to be let go."
It was drizzling. Heavy gray clouds, almost pitch black, threatened to storm any moment. Along the edges of the highway, Ellana could make out the branches of trees convulsing in a brutal wind storm.
Ellana took out her phone. Pulling up Fenris' contact details she hesitated. She wanted to tell him the whole story of what had passed in the library. Knowing how much magic frightened him, she wasn't sure how to verbalize an ancient spirit drawing her to the Fade and giving her an otherworldly mission to seek out a legendary object.
"You shouldn't text sensitive information" Solas advised with a sigh. "Sorry, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but it is easy to hack."
"Am I being followed? Should I be worried?"
"I don't know," Solas answered with another bitter sigh. "I'm only ever given so much of the picture. I wouldn't want to imply that the Inquisition is dangerous. It does serve to protect, only the mechanics of that can sometimes be morally compromised. Power, as you know, is rarely, straightforward or just. I've learned it is best to be self-reliant as a precaution."
Ellana was considering Solas' words carefully, sorting through her life and trying to spot anything she might have missed, and what Solas' warning might mean for the future. What it would mean for someone in a relationship with her to be a part of such a dilemma.
"Are we on the same team?" Ellana asked, she had curled up on her side facing Solas. She couldn't help but notice the smile tugging at the corner of his lips. She thought it was the first time she had ever seen him truly happy and unburdened.
Her instincts told her that she could believe Solas, but rationally she had trouble accepting anything he had to say after he had deceived her for so long.
"I want to be," Solas declared, his voice grew deep and steady, and he risked a glance back at her. Ellana grinned in response, an expression she saw reflected back to her on Solas' face. For a moment everything violent and terrible that happened over the last afternoon melted away.
"Why did you speak to that spirit?" She hadn't wanted to bring up the subject around non-mages, and the look that Solas was giving her made her feel self-conscious. Best to change the subject.
"Oh, yes, the Dalish say that demons hate the natural world and seek to bring their chaos and destruction to the living. But such simplistic labels misconstrue their motivations, and, in doing so, do all a great disservice."
"What do you mean? Aren't you worried about possession?"
"Spirits aren't so different from ourselves, they are conscious beings with whims and desires all their own. A spirit can possess you, but it can also reveal truths about what the world once was, or could be. As someone who has treated possessed mages, the superstitions are often worse than the actuality, especially since magic is weakening."
"I've never thought of it that way," Ellana paused. She recalled writing her book Fade Objects. Although she had never dared to speak directly with the spirits that gathered around the ruins she had studied, there were many occasions where she felt that the bodiless forms had guided her towards a discovery, or nudged the environment to shift to show her a particular time and space.
The rain began to pound against the windows in thick torrents. With the radio off, the only sound was the echoing of the water pelting against the glass.
"What's next?" Ellana asked out loud, a few minutes later, not just to Solas but to herself. Studying his regal profile, a sudden memory came to her of the Spirit of Wisdom revealing to her that the neurologist harbored feelings for her. If not, love.
A murky feeling bubbled up in her chest, one that flickered between confusion and desire. Not to mention that Fenris was waiting at home for her, in all likelihood cooking an elaborate meal for the two of them to enjoy.
"It's up to you," Solas said. "You can search for the orb. Or, you can go about your life hoping to never see it. I might recommend waiting until you have some time to recuperate. When you come to a decision, together we can form a plan, if you so wish."
Together. Ellana fixated on the word. Did Solas still remember their conversation?
"I have to admit that I'm surprised you let me drive you home." Solas looked back at her with a coy smile. Traffic was starting to slow, a jam was up ahead. He did.
"Let?" Ellana teased. "What was I going to do? Go in a car chartered by Leliana driven by an Inquisition agent?"
"One could argue I am an Inquisition agent, if there were to be such a thing," Solas replied somberly.
"A known one to me perhaps." Ellana countered, "besides, I didn't get the sense that you were telling Leliana all of your thoughts. What happened in the library?"
"My hypothesis is that the ancient elves made objects that were able to help bond the brain to the Fade, or increase its ability to focus and use magic. Although I expect you to know more about that subject than I do," Solas paused to let another car pass by. He was clearly a cautious driver. "The magic that dreamers have is unique as it bridges both worlds simultaneously. I believe that specific quality triggered the library to react to you, if not act as a conduit for you to enter the Fade"
"You've been to the shrine, why did it not react to you in the past?"
"That I can't answer," Solas shrugged. "You lit the flame. I did not. Although I wasn't sure what to make of what the Spirit of Wisdom meant when they said they were trying to speak to you for months. Although sometimes, in my experience, it is hard to determine if a spirit is simply mirroring what they believe your truth to be, or their own thoughts and ideas."
The car came to a halt as the traffic stopped, moving inches at a time, and the two sat in companionable silence. Ellana was actively shivering, her mana almost depleted. Her keeper had warned her about what would happen if she exhausted her magic. An unpracticed mage, Ellana had never come nearly this close before. She mostly-outside of her research-used small spells to clean or light a candle here or there.
"Do you have any other symptoms other than chills?" Solas asked, concern flashing over his face. "May I check your temperature?"
"Nothing but chills," Ellana confirmed while leaning forward for Solas to examine her vitals. Judging by how hot she was felt, she was definitely running a fever.
The car was completely stopped in traffic.
Solas casually held up the back of his hand to press against her forehead. Ellana couldn't say if it was the closed-in environment, or the coolness of his skin on her fevered brow, but she found herself pressing into his cool touch, closing her eyes as they made contact.
When Solas slowly withdrew, Ellana found him staring back at her. Making eye contact with him for the first time, alone, she couldn't help but remember what it had been like that evening, when they had been "hanging out."
"Dr. Lavellan," Solas interrupted, as her nose began to graze his.
"Call me Ellana" She corrected in a dreamy voice, her lips parting, so close to Solas'.
"Ellana."
"Yes?"
"Do you think you might want to sleep for the rest of the car ride? You must be exhausted." Solas gently asked. Underneath, she knew it was a suggestion. A strong one. "Or perhaps call Fenris? Tell him you are running late?"
She nodded. The mention of Fenris was sobering.
"I'm sorry," she muttered,
"It has been a long day, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself." Solas shook his head in understanding, daring for a moment to flash her a smile laced with melancholy. "Let me turn on the seat heaters for you."
"You could have told me about the seat heaters!" Ellana jostled in an attempt to overturn any awkwardness. She felt embarrassed at nearly kissing Solas. Although she was certain she was not in a committed relationship with Fenris; she knew he deserved better.
"I'll remind you, that you hate whenever anyone fusses over you."
"True," she admitted picking up her phone, pulling up Fenris' contact info and dialing the number. The conversation was short and to the point, she was able to get out enough details that he wouldn't worry, too much, at how late she would be returning to the city. Or be surprised at who was driving her back to Val Royeaux. "It was a very strange afternoon," she had said to him in a clipped voice that she reserved for breaking bad news. To her surprise, Fenris had taken the whole thing with aplomb, more worried if she was ok, with very little regard to who was escorting her home.
By her estimation, and the traffic jam, there were still a few hours left for them to reach the edges of Val Royeaux.
Ellana was going to turn to Solas to ask a few more questions, only by the time she had found a comfortable configuration to lay in, she had drifted off into a dreamless and restful sleep. She was none the wiser to the smooth jazz that Solas put softly on in the background, or the reverential glance he'd occasionally flash her when traffic was monotonous.