She woke ever so slowly, eyes crusted with sleep as they opened languidly. She hated those eyes of her – that disgusting green colour they were. It only proved how very toxic she was to all life there. Especially her soulmate's. Her stomach rumbled, and Sakura frowned at the steaming bowl of a creamy soup left on her bedside table. Someone had evidently just been there. She hoped it wasn't her soulmate. Body feeling ever so heavy, she reached out for the tray, settling it on her lap before she stared out the open window, the gentle breeze brushing the curtains inwards. The soup was warm, just at the right temperature to eat, but Sakura couldn't really taste the flavour. She supposed it was only natural that a dragon couldn't taste the wonders of elven cooking. Sakura still ate though, because it had undoubtedly been a while since she had last, if the stars shining above were any indicator.
Frowning, she stared at that single unfamiliar star, wondering why its light seemed so very familiar. A name felt as though it were on the tip of her tongue, but it was irrevocably stuck there as she tried to eat her sorrows away. It didn't work. She probably didn't even deserve to eat, especially that made by the hands of elves. Yet still she did. Bowl finished with, she set it back where it had been, bitter tears biting at her eyes. Oh the events of earlier in the day had to have ruined everything. She couldn't get attached. Of course not, the voice whispered to her then, reminding her of its nefarious presence. You don't deserve him.
Glorfindel didn't deserve her and her numerous sins. He deserved someone good, like he was. She was everything evil and wrong, and she needed to vanish from that place. From the world entirely more like, the voice whispered, and Sakura shrank in on herself. What had she been thinking, trying to hide herself away in his arms? He wasn't hers to have. He never would be. So what flight of deluded madness had made her burying her head and weep into him? "Stupid," she muttered, the word choking in her throat. She was so very stupid. But she supposed that was what soulmates did to one another.
Whoever had paired them together, higher power or no, had to have been mistaken. She couldn't be a good soulmate. That was something she would never be. Her knees came up then, and she hugged them to her chest, hating the tears already trailing tracks down her cheeks. He deserved so much better. But then again, he had viewed her as something to be overcome. Because that's what monsters of scale and fang were to heroes of gold and summer. Something to be overcome and defeated on the way to finding a happy ending. He would overcome her, or so Sakura hoped, and maybe then he could find someone…
Sakura didn't quite know why that thought hurt her heart so. She didn't want a relationship like the ones soulmates had with anyone. A smile curved at her lips, trembling and oh so very fake. Liar, the voice whispered, and Sakura could only bury her face in her knees and hate herself and her oh so very contradictory nature so. It was so very weak of her. If she wasn't as pathetic and cowardly as she was, then she would have explained herself to her soulmate and then given him the blade needed to slice her throat open and end her life. The thought of doing that made her feel like something was shrivelling up and dying inside. But how else was she supposed to face the consequences of her actions, other than death?
But what would come after death? Sakura shivered at the thought of returning to the Elemental Nations – of that pale white hand chirping and crackling as it ploughed through her chest. And what would happen after she died once more in the Elemental Nations? Her throat felt so terribly dry, and she scrambled for the glass of water left by some kind and thoughtful elf no doubt. So much kinder and thoughtful than herself. But then what could one expect of a dragon? Kindness wasn't in her nature, but cruelty was, and she could be so very cruel. Like with how she was tormenting her soulmate so by pretending to be friends with him. By pretending to be a harmless human. By pretending to be a good person rather than the vile evil being she truly was.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to the still night air, hugging her knees that much tighter as her chest grew cold like she had dived into ice cold waters. Try as she might, she could never forget that coldness – that feeling of warm blood spilling from her chest, and the icy clutches of death coming up to pull her down into the darkness where monsters were made. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, feeling like a broken record by that point in time, repeating the same words as though they would change a damned thing.
Pathetic, the voice whispered, and Sakura muffled the sob that slipped from her lips. She knew she was so terribly pathetic. She always had been just that; chasing after Sasuke like he was an object, turning her rage on everyone bar the person who it should have been turned on, becoming a monster in nature and name, chasing after people who were not meant to be hers… Truly, she was so very pathetic. She hated it.
So very pathetic, the voice repeated, and Sakura snarled.
"Shut up," she whispered. She didn't need to be told that which she knew for a fact. It was impossible to forget how very pathetic, dirty, and evil she was. But that voice in the back of her head never listened to her, and Sakura curled in on herself as her mind whispered truths to herself. Ones she didn't want to hear because she couldn't refute them. She didn't dare, because they were true, so very true and damning.
Her chest throbbed then, and Sakura frowned down, noting the cloak she still wore. Even after having been tucked into bed like a squalling infant. How very embarrassing… Her hands curled into fists. How very pathetic… Frown morphing into a scowl, she pried herself free from the comfortable blankets and sheets, the urge – the need – to clear her head overcoming her and she wrenched the door to her room open with more force than what was strictly necessary. She didn't make it more than two steps before she bumped into something warm, solid, and terribly familiar.
Sakura looked up to find her soulmate staring down at her hesitantly, and abruptly wished she had stayed and barricaded herself inside her room.
"Are you feeling well enough to be on your feet?" Glorfindel asked, and Sakura stared at her feet and nodded slowly. She despised herself so very much. In fact, she ought to have just vanished. It wasn't like she couldn't use chakra to jump from great heights, like the window in her room, and then it would be just a matter of using the shadows and stepping silently to escape the clutches of Imladris and her soulmate who resided in that territory. So why hadn't she?
Pathetic, her mind echoed, and Sakura wholeheartedly agreed with the sentiments.
"Is there a verbal answer to go along with that, or does your chest hurt too much?" he questioned, and Sakura felt her shoulders slump at the requirement to answer him with her voice. With her thick voice which might sound as though it were choked with tears and prompt questions she couldn't answer.
"I'm fine," she said, voice barely above a whisper, and Sakura rubbed at the sleep clogging up her eyes, careful to brush the tears threatening to fall away with it. "You do not need to worry about me." He could throw her away then and wash his hands of her so their threads of fate didn't become anymore intertangled. Not that Sakura really believed in such a thing as fate. There would be no sort of happy ending for a monster. Fairy-tales proved that too often.
"How could I not be when the majority of the damage was caused by you coming between me and our foe at that time?" Glorfindel spoke, and Sakura only wanted to bury her head and weep yet again. Or better yet, spill all her secrets and have him kill her where she stood. So very pathetic. Sakura shivered despite the warm cloak wrapped around her shoulders. The same one which very likely belonged to the elf before her. She should really give it back. But she had claimed it as part of her odd hoard she had going on. One which revolved around one thing she would never be able to have or to hold.
Sakura opened her mouth, before closing it quietly, unable to think of a good response to that – to send him away before she could indulge in her selfish wish to grow closer to him. Closer to her soulmate. It was funny how much having a name written on her skin had affected her. She could hardly remember a time when his name hadn't been there. In the first life which had sparked everything off. Lifetime number three was definitely the most vivid out of them all. Especially the way she had been killed. Maybe because that had been the trigger to spark all of her memories of the bloody past?
She didn't think she deserved her fourth life.
She didn't know whether the cycle would continue should she die right then and there.
"Why is it"—a gentle touch at her cloaked arm stirred her gaze from the ground—"whenever I come across you, you always seem so very sad?" His smile was so very warm. Something she could lose herself in. "I do hope my presence is not upsetting for you…" There was something to his gaze then, and Sakura felt shame wash around in the pit of her belly. Because she remembered those cruel words she had spoken to her which explained so much more than they ought to.
"No," she said quickly. He couldn't be upsetting to people, because he was everything good and right. She probably didn't count as a person anymore. She was a monster. But even if she did count… It was just her fault for being so very pathetic, cowardly, and weak. "Not you. Never you." Her arms came up then, wrapping around herself as though she could thaw that block of ice which had taken residence up in her chest.
"Then I can take heart in that," he said merrily, as though his words had never broken that wretched, still beating thing inside her chest which longed for a love she would never have. "You have slept long enough for the sun's light to fade," Glorfindel continued, and Sakura risked a glance out of the nearest window. "The stars are so very beautiful at this time of year."
Sakura nodded, blindly following after him as he guided her somewhere new. She was so very weak to the ministrations and whims of her soulmate. Her feet were bare by then, shoes left in her room after her nap, but a layer of chakra prevented the chill from nipping at her toes too much. It was oddly cold at night, despite the summery season. Sakura wondered if the ice frozen over her heart had anything to do with it. "I never really appreciated beauty all that much when I was… younger," she murmured as she found herself in a little green courtyard. The grass was so very cold under her feet, yet not damp or muddy in the slightest, which she supposed she ought to be grateful for. She would only make herself that much more of a nuisance if she tracked mud all around the halls of Imladris.
"Few do when they are so very young," Glorfindel said, blissfully ignorant to the fact she had been referencing the few centuries she had spent in dragon form. Dragons did take a terrible long time to grow. "Though if you appreciate the beauty now, then what harm is there in not having taken note of it sooner?"
If only he knew how she had tried to burn all things beautiful. Sakura smiled morosely, staring up at the stars. They were so very pretty. She wouldn't have minded dying under them. They were a sight better than those of the Elemental Nations. "Who can say?" she mumbled, not sure what else she could say without tipping him off to her evil, cruel, true nature.
"You are cold…" His words made her flinch even as she still had her arms wrapped around herself.
Sakura shook her head. "It doesn't matter," she said, still staring at the stars, only able to blink as she found herself forcibly turned around and propelled inside. She only wondered why Glorfindel was so comfortable with touching her – a dragon. Then she reminded herself she was still deceiving him like the horrid little monster she was in regards to that fact.
"Truly, your lack of concern for your own health astounds me, Lothien," he muttered, clicking his tongue at the blank look she gave him. Why would she care for her own wellbeing? She was a monster. They weren't meant to care about things like that, as dirty as they were on the inside. "I feel as though you might be lacking a healthy dose of self-preservation, and I cannot help wonder if this is why my thoughts so often stray back towards you…"
Sakura blinked, the words taking a few moments to sink in. "You… think of me often?" she asked hesitantly, rubbing at her cold chest then, wondering what the strange stirring there was. Probably hope. Truly, it was so very pathetic. Why was she still hoping and longing for something which would never be? She needed to hurry up and move on. Ah, if only forgetting about one's soulmate was that easy…
"Indeed I do," he said, and Sakura could only blink once more as he picked up a lock of her pastel pink hair. Elves, as she had learnt over the course of her short stay there, were alarmingly fascinated by her hair colouring. Enough to overcome propriety's sake. It was so very unnatural there, and it belonged to a monster. She didn't quite understand the allure, but nevertheless let her soulmate play with the pale pink locks. Glorfindel really deserved so much more than her. It was the least she could do. "Though I am not entirely certain of why," Glorfindel continued, yet another smile coming to his lips. Sakura didn't understand how he could give them away so very easily. She couldn't quite remember the last time she had smiled properly – out of true, unbridled happiness rather than anything else. "If you were a dragon, I would say you had me ensnared in some sort of spell," he murmured, chuckling softly. It was just a joke. So why was it so on the mark as to her true nature?
"I am no dragon," she said, fingernails digging into her palms beneath the cloak she wore. It was such a dirty, barefaced lie. She hated herself all the more for the fact she could say it without arising even a hint of suspicion. How could they not see the snake in their midst?
"That you are not," Glorfindel murmured, oblivious to how much the words hurt. Because she was a dragon, and he would hate her for that very fact when the truth came to light.
They lapsed into silence then. A terribly comfortable one, until Sakura finally mustered up the courage. "I'd… very much like to wander on my own for a little while…" she said, staring at the ground, shame welling up within as she stood there, feeling like the worst person in the entire world. "If that would be alright…" she added lamely, shifting on her feet at the moments of silence which fell at her request. She wondered if he would get angry and hate her. He would be well within his rights to.
"The galleries are up ahead, if you wish for something to admire while you wander," Glorfindel informed her then, not sounding the slightest bit irritated at her request. "Though if you get lost, do feel free to ask someone for directions or guidance." Sakura risked a glance at his face, nearly flinching when she spotted no signs of anger or disappointment. How could he be so very nice to her? She didn't understand – couldn't understand it. "I will leave you here, then, though I will most definitely see you at a later point in your stay here – if only to instil a sense of self-preservation within you before you leave."
Sakura smiled, that same smile feeling so very plastic as Glorfindel vanished from her side, though her sharp ears still heard his voice as he greeted another. She quashed the feeling of jealousy and greed at the sound of him being equally joyous in his greeting for another. "How stupid of me," she muttered, walking forwards once more, grateful for the quiet and stillness which soon overcame her as she entered another part of Imladris. Her stomach fell to her toes though, and she was abruptly reminded that her soulmate had informed her the galleries were up ahead. As in the paintings of a history she didn't particularly want to see nor be reminded of.
Her brow smoothened then, a puff of air escaping her as she breathed out. How much of a coward was she – that she couldn't even look at paintings of her history? Her back straightened like a steel rod. Coward, the voice whispered, and Sakura moved forwards out of spite. Looking up at the walls and the paintings and tapestries hung from it was the hardest thing to do. But look up she did.
"Lothien!"
Sakura blinked at the sight of Aravir, Lord Elrond, and an unfamiliar elf standing together in the hallway. She felt so terribly underdressed all of a sudden, what with the oversized cloak draped over her shoulders and her bare feet. "Aravir," she mumbled, glancing at the two elves then, mulling over how to address them. "Lord Elrond." She inclined her head, and then looked at the other ellon. The one whose name she didn't know.
"Erestor," he spoke, answering her unspoken question of who exactly he was, and Sakura nodded in acknowledgement. "You are Lothien then," Erestor said, and Sakura wasn't sure she liked the searching look directed her way. Though she was grateful to focus on the bluish grey eyes which didn't bring anything to mind when she met their gaze. "The mortal Lord Glorfindel is so very taken with…"
Sakura frowned at his words, not entirely sure whether she liked being known for that, but Aravir took up her attention then. "It is good to see you back on your feet again," he said, a smile on his face. It was so very different to Glorfindel's. Then again, she was biased because soulmate.
She tilted her head then. "Is something the matter?" she asked, swallowing at the mildly regretful expression on his face then. Why on Arda would he look like that?
"I cannot stay," Aravir said, and Sakura blinked mildly, wondering what that was meant to mean. Evidently her confusion was palpable and so he elaborated. "You have yet to heal, and as much as I would like to make good on my promise and debt to Fainbarad, I have other matters to attend to – meaning I cannot wait for you to heal before I leave."
"Should I pack my things then?" she asked, nearly flinching at the wide eyed look she received from all of them present there.
"Lothien, dear one," Aravir said softly. "You are aware that your ribs are most likely broken and will need an ample amount of time and rest to heal – given I hear the elven healing techniques have not worked on you so…"
"It will only be some mild discomfort," Sakura said, freezing at the noise of hopeless exasperation Elrond made. She wondered what the problem was. It was fine for a monster like her to be in a bit of pain – rather she looked forwards to it somewhat. The start of her redemption. Those were meant to be painful, weren't they?
"I see, or perhaps more aptly hear, that Glorfindel's concerns for you are not unfounded," Elrond said, a frown wrinkling his once-smooth brow. "Truly, it would appear you have little to no sense of self-preservation." Sakura merely tilted her head once more, silently mulling over the fact that elves had been gossiping about her behind her back. Did they think her a dragon? Were they plotting her righteous death? She could only wonder and wait.
Her stomach twisted at that thought. "I cannot take you with me in good conscious, Lothien," Aravir said, and Sakura felt her heart drop to her toes. Much like her stomach had done all too recently. "I often pass through Rivendell once every few years. I understand if this poses a problem but given how you are lacking a home after the tragedy which befell you… Lord Elrond is willing to shelter you until such a time when I return."
Sakura felt the colour flee from her face along with her poisonous blood, and she was infinitely glad it was night-time and the lights were dimmed. Aravir, the man she had hesitantly decided to follow given she had no clue what else to do, was asking her to stay in an elven realm for years? Sakura couldn't help but wonder if this was some nefarious scheme drawn up in the aim of torturing her so. Then again, redemption was meant to be painful and difficult. If they wanted to torture her like that, then she had no choice but to let them. It was the least she owed them, after everything she had done. "I see," she said hesitantly, not wanting or willing to let any of her obvious discomfort slip. Only dragons would be so uncomfortable in an elven realm.
"I will return as soon as I can," Aravir said then, clapping a hand on her shoulder as he passed, and Sakura could only blink dumbly, waiting for the realisation of it all to sink in. She was meant to be in close proximity with her soulmate for years or so it seemed.
"Right…" she mumbled, feeling terribly light headed once more. It was though her world had been tilted on its axis, and Sakura was left scrambling to adjust. What more did the universe wish to throw her way?
"What brings you to the galleries at this hour then, Lothien?" Erestor enquired, and she blinked a few times before her brain started working once more. "I cannot imagine you knew Aravir would be here… though I suppose this means he may leave with his people tonight now, rather than on the morrow as they planned originally."
I came to look and remind myself of the sins I committed lest I try to forget the pain I caused and try to make a move on my soulmate, didn't sound like a particularly good answer – not one which would be well received at least. "I, uh, I was just wandering," she mumbled, shrinking back on herself. "I can leave if I'm being a bother…"
Bluish grey eyes met hers levelly. "You are no bother," he said flatly. "Rather we were simply in the midst of reminiscing when you caught the three of us. You interrupted naught."
"Reminiscing?" she parroted, and Erestor inclined his head towards the wall opposite. Sakura followed the movement, eyes travelling up from the floor to fic upon the painting depicting a battle scene she knew all too well. A snort escaped her then, short and harsh. Of all the paintings they could have stopped before, why did it have to be that one?
"The slaying of—"
"I'm curious," she mumbled, wincing ever so slightly as she cut Lord Elrond off before he could say that accursed name. The name she so hated. "Given his soulmark, I would have thought that dragon would have been female," she said, still so very curious about why they had named her what they had.
Lord Elrond took being interrupted gracefully in his stride. "Glorfindel mentioned you had seen his mark," he said. "I believe he asked you for discretion on this matter, did he not?"
"I was almost certain you would know at the very least," Sakura remarked, a wry smile twisting her lips into something ugly. "Besides, you are the one who mentioned him by name."
Elrond only sighed softly, turning his eyes back on the portrait of that large black dragon with acrid green eyes. She wondered if either of them noticed how closely the colour resembled her own. But then who would think of a dragon skin-changer made by Melkor? The answer to that, she presumed, was very, very few. "There have been a few cases of solely male or solely female soulmates in years gone by, as rare as they are…"
"Though I am betting no one bothered to check the sex of a downed dragon," she murmured. "Least of all because Beleriand began sinking…"
"Glorfindel told me of your unusual knowledge of dragons…" Elrond said, frowning at her then. "Though it seems to me as though you have an interest in the tale of this particular dragon – the one which my father had a hand in slaying."
Sakura's eyes widened then, a snort escaping her then before she could stop it, and she winced in pain – chest aching as the sound rumbled through her. "So that's why," she whispered, a smile pulling at her lips. It was so very fitting – so very ironic that she would come to dwell in a place ruled by the son of the one who had killed her once before. "How ironic," she muttered, turning on her heel then, wishing for nothing more than to be oh so very far away from there at that moment.
"Do you not wish to hear the tale of this dragon?" Elrond called after her, and Sakura could only smile coldly. Proof he didn't realise that which she was – that who she was. "You seem to have an interest in dragons, if perhaps only to allow you to slay them…"
Sakura laughed then, the sound so very different to her soulmate's own. Darker. A blacker amusement. "Believe me," she said, not daring to look back with those acrid green eyes of hers. "I know the tale of that dragon better than anyone."
After all – she was Ancalagon.