Lexa left the throne room after a while, she lost track of time, but when she felt the tiredness rise in her she noticed how late it was.
She made her way back to her room.
So much has happened today, and she still was processing everything. It was hard to decide which way she was going to take. Her heart told her to fight for Clarke and for the way of peace both of them planned to take. The other side told her to stop all of that and keep going as she did before. Like most commanders before her did.
It was dark in her room when she entered, only some candles were still burning, just as she liked it. But something was different. She could feel it. Someone was in her room.
Lexa took out her little knife and looked around. It took her a while before she noticed the person lying on her couch. The body raised slowly up and down, she assumed the person fell asleep while waiting for her.
She took some steps towards this person, but it didn't take much to recognize her.
Clarke looked so peaceful lying there. Lexa felt the warmth raised in her and she put her knife back.
What was Clarke doing in her room?
She made it pretty clear that she needed her space and only moments later, she was here in her room, sleeping on her couch.
Lexa kneed next to the couch and checks her. Maybe she lost consciousness again. Maybe she should get Abby.
Slowly Lexa laid her hand on Clarke's forehead. It seemed her temperature felt again. She felt a bit cold, but that wasn't that unusual. Her windows were opened, and the room cooled down.
Lexa stood up and took the blanket off her bed and laid it carefully over Clarke, so she wouldn't wake up.
Seconds later Clarke cuddled herself into the blanket and grumbled something Lexa couldn't understand. But she couldn't hide a little smile.
It felt good to have her back in her room.
Lexa sneaked quietly into her bathroom and changed into more comfortable clothes and made herself comfortable in the armchair, across from the couch Clarke was sleeping on.
She was watching her, trying not to fell asleep. This time was precious, and she didn't know if she would ever have this again. So, she needed to take every moment in.
Hours past and the sun started rising again.
Lexa didn't sleep at all and she knew it will be a difficult day. A lot had to be done and she wouldn't return until late that night. But this was worth it.
She snuggled into the armchair, her head was resting on her arm, that way lying on the arm of the armchair.
She was so lost in her thoughts and memories; she didn't recognize Clarke has opened her eyes and was watching her.
After a while, Clarke slowly sat up and Lexa smiled lightly.
"Oh hey. I hope I didn't wake you up, did I?" Lexa tried to not make a big deal out of this.
Clarke watched her and shook her head lightly, while she was trying to cuddle even more into the blanket. She didn't remember taking it.
"No. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep in your room or even take your things."
Nodding to the blanket.
Clarke looked around. This room felt so known to her but somehow it wasn't.
"You didn't take it. When I came back you seemed to freeze, and I gave it to you. I mean you survived, so I wouldn't let you freeze to death now."
Lexa continued smiling lightly and Clarke shared the small smile.
"That would be pretty shitty, wouldn't it?" Clarke said. It felt right to be here in the room with her. She appreciated Lexa not asking her why she was here.
Both didn't know what to say and a comfortable silence was in the room.
But it was interrupted by a loud banging at the door.
Lexa turned her head towards the door. "Come inside!", she was irritated. None of her guards would knock like this, but when Abby entered the room it was clear to her.
"I'm sorry Lexa, but did you see", she stopped when she saw Clarke sitting on the couch and Lexa across from her.
"Well, I guess you found her", Lexa said.
Lexa liked the way Abby was carrying for her daughter. It must be nice to have a family as Clarke has. Lexa didn't remember much of her own. She was taken early from her parents. She never got to know this way of living.
Abby was walking towards Clarke and set next to her. As soon as she sat down, she started checking Clarke's wounds.
Clarke rolled her eyes in annoyance and looked to Lexa, forming a "Sorry" with her lips.
"Clarke I was looking for you, but you weren't in your bed and your sheets were cold. I told you to stay in bed. You are not supposed to walk around for very long. I was afraid that something might have happened to you. When did you leave? Why did you leave?"
Abby was questioning Clarke so aggressively she couldn't answer any question. Lexa could see Clarke struggling to find the right excuse, to not get into trouble.
"I'm sorry Abby, but I think it was my fault. I visited Clarke this morning and we decided to come here to my room because it's much warmer here. But I assure you she wasn't walking a lot. My guards helped her."
Clarke was impressed by how calm Lexa's voice was while she was lying straight to her mother's face. But she was thankful for her lie. She couldn't manage another fight with her mother right now.
"Oh. I didn't know that." Abby seemed confused but didn't question it anymore.
"I guess then it was alright, but I would appreciate it if Clarke would return to her bed now. I need to change her bandages and check her."
Lexa nodded lightly and called for her guards.
"Mom, I need to talk to Lexa. I'll follow in a minute, ok?"
Abby looked to Lexa and back to Clarke and just nodded. "I get all things ready, but please hurry up."
Lexa watched Abby leaving and turned to Clarke, who stood up and walked a few small steps towards Lexa. She whispered. "Thank you."
"Don't worry about that. Your mom was just afraid. I understand her, but there was no reason to make a huge thing out of that."
What did she mean? How would someone like Lexa understand her mother?
Clarke looked at her and wanted to ask her, but she accepted her mom to come back any second. So she decided to save it for later.
Suddenly she felt uncomfortable and unsure of her decision to try to remember again.
"Would you visit me later?"
Lexa didn't accept this, well she also didn't accept finding her sleeping in her room, but maybe that was a good sign.
She tried to hide her excitement and nodded lightly.
"I have a lot to do today, but I'm free in the evening. I'll let my cooks make us dinner and I'll visit you in your room?"
Clarke took her moment before answering. "Sounds good to me. I see you then."
She didn't wait for anything else to be said and let the guards help her back to her room, where her mom was already waiting for her.
To her surprise, she wasn't asking her anymore about her trip to Lexa's room.
She just checked for her wounds and told her about the things Kane told her about the meeting Lexa held the day before.
Lexa waited a moment to think about what just have happened and got ready.
When she left her room, she sent one of her guards to tell Murphy she was waiting for him outside of the tower.
She promised him a place to live and now was a good time to look for a place before this place would be crowded for the executions.
She made her way outside of the tower and was followed by two of her guards. Outside some of her people whispered when they saw her. The rumor about the execution of Titus must be spread fast. But she didn't expect anything else.
It was a big deal to kill the Fleimkepa.
Lexa got torn out of her thoughts by something pulling on her leg.
A little girl, no older than maybe five or six years was trying to get her attention.
The guards were unsure what to do with this little girl. She wasn't a threat to the commander, she was just a little child, but no one was allowed to touch the commander without her permission.
Lexa showed her guards that it was alright and she kneeled to be on the same height as the little girl. She seemed a little bit shy, but she had a fire in her eyes which showed her strong mind. Her mother came running to them.
"Moba, Heda!" (I'm sorry Commander).
But Lexa held her hand up to show her that it's fine. She gave the little girl a small smile. To most people, she seemed cold and terrifying but she wanted her people to see that she wasn't that bad.
The little girl struggled a bit, but then she found her courage again and handed Lexa two small bracelets made out of flowers. "For you Heda and Wanheda!"
Lexa looked at those bracelets. They were handmade, maybe by that little girl herself. She took them and looked at them.
"They are really beautiful. Thank you. Did you make them yourself?"
She nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes, and I also picked the flowers on my own."
"You did a great job."
Those words were everything this girl needed to hear. She smiled from one ear to the other.
"Mommy told me that Wanheda got hurt by a bad man."
She turned her head and looked to her mom, who was trying to get her daughter to stop talking, to avoid getting into trouble.
"I hope she gets well soon."
Lexa looked to the little girl's mother. She was dressed poorly and her face couldn't hide the tiredness. Life wasn't easy for them, that was clear, but it was nice to see how passionate and kind this little girl was.
She laid her hand on the cheek of the little girl.
"She's feeling better already. And I promise you if she'll strong enough again we'll come to visit you. She needs to meet the little girl who made this beautiful bracelet."
The girl smiled and ran back to her mom, who sent her back inside.
Lexa showed her to come to her.
The girl's mother came to her and looked straight to the ground. "I'm sorry, Heda. I'll make sure to teach her better next time. She's still young and doesn't understand the rules, yet!"
Lexa let her talk out. When she finished she just shook her head lightly and raised herself again.
"There is no need to apologize. She's a strong young girl, who lightened my mood."
Lexa looked at the bracelets.
"Is there anything you need? I want to give you and your daughter something in return!"
Her people were loyal to her and never asked for something in return, but she wanted to help them as good as possible, to make their lives better.
The girl's mother shook her head and finally looked up.
"No, Heda. Thank you, but we have everything we need."
They were shy, Lexa knew that, but they were no need to keep it from her.
"Well, if there is nothing specific that you need, I'll make sure you get some extra food today."
This was the least she could offer them and it seemed that was exactly what most of her people needed.
The woman smiled lightly.
"Thank you, Heda. That's too kind of you."
Lexa nodded and dismissed her.
She watched her return to her house, where the little girl was standing at the door and waving passionately to Lexa.
Lexa waved back. This little girl reminded her so much of herself when she was younger.
She turned to her guards and let one of them bring the bracelets to her bedroom and gave him the order to bring the family some food that will feed them for the following weeks.
When he left, she saw Abby standing at the entrance of the tower, watching her. Their eyes met and Lexa made her way to her.
Abby smiled lightly. "She's a cute kid."
Lexa stood in front of her. "She is but she has a lot to learn. But anyway. Is everything alright? Is something with Clarke?"
Abby shook her head. "No, she's fine. Her little trip was a bit exhausting and she is sleeping now."
She nodded. "My mother always told me that sleep is the best medicine!"
Abby looked at her in a way, she couldn't understand, but she also didn't dare to ask.
"Well, your mom was right. It helps a lot. But actually, I was looking for you."
Lexa raised one of her eyebrows. "For me? You found me, so how can I help you?"
This woman confused her, just like her daughter did.
"Your healers told me about some illnesses of your people and asked me for advice. Our medicine is a bit different from yours and they don't know how to cure them with your medicine. I wanted to ask you for your permission to go and look at those people. And maybe help the."
Lexa thought about it for a moment. Some of her people were afraid of the sky people and of their ways, she wasn't sure how they would react towards Abby. But there was no doubt her healers could learn a lot from her and maybe she from them.
"This seems to be a good idea, but I would love to send the healers and one guard with you. The people might be afraid of you or maybe of me. They should tell them that I accomplice of this."
"Sure, I understand this. Thank you."
Lexa nodded and sent another guard with her.
Just at this moment, Murphy appeared at the entrance of the tower.
He was pretending to be cool like always. "You asked for me, commander?"
Lexa started to walk through the streets, heading towards the forest.
He hurried to catch up with her and walked beside her.
"We should look for the place you like your house to be built. Has your girl already arrived?"
This question made him uncomfortable, she could feel it.
"Ehm, yeah, but she's still sleeping. It was a tough day and I decided to let her sleep in today."
"I hope she won't bother not deciding with you, where you want to live then!"
Murphy shook his head. "She'll be happy to have a roof above her head!"
She seemed to have had a tough life, she was curious about her and wanted to meet her. They made their way to the end of town and walked on the edge of the forest until they found a place that wasn't too far away from the city but not too close either.
Murphy talked without a break and Lexa listened to him. Most of the things he told her were total rubbish, she could sense a lie, but at that moment she didn't care about it. He was a thieve, as was his girl, but he was also Clarke's friend, so she didn't see him like a thread. At least not for now. Besides he helped her when she didn't know whom she should trust.
When they returned she gave the order to prepare for the construction of the house. If everything would work out the way they planned, the house would be ready in the following months. Until then Murphy and his girl were welcomed at her tower. She spent so many years without any company there, besides her guards and the ambassadors. It would be a pleasant distraction to have different people around.
One of her guards was already waiting impatiently for her. When she turned to him, he told her that Okteivia kom Skaikru returned with the rest of the sky people and that she was waiting for her in the throne room.
Lexa exhaled and looked up to the sky. The sun was already at his highest point. Half of the day already past and she still had so much to get done. But now that Oktavia was back, she could handle some of her problems for her.
She thanked the guard and made her way to the throne room.
Oktavia was standing alone in this huge room and Lexa decided that there was no need for her guards to protect her at the moment so that they should wait outside and rest.
The moment she entered the room, Oktavia turned towards her. Lexa could see the exhaustion in her face. it looked like she didn't sleep in days. Oktavia took her new position seriously.
"Oktavia, I'm glad you're back." She walked to the stairs in front of her throne, sat down, and showed Oktavia to do the same.
"We just returned a few minutes ago. Lincoln took care of the other Skaikru people and found some places for them to stay." She said and sat down next to Lexa.
Lexa nodded.
"Just tell me if there is anything else they need and I'll take care of it! The execution is set for tomorrow evening, but until then we still have a lot to do and I need your help for that!"
Oktavia looked at her. "Is it about Titus?"
She already heard what had happened. Kane told her about that on the radio and Lincoln explained to her, what kind of big deal it is.
Lexa nodded again.
"He will die tomorrow too, but I need someone to take his place. The Fleimkepa is important when I die. He needs to be familiar with the procedure and he needs to care for the Natblidas. I don't want this position to be unoccupied for too long. We need to be prepared!"
Oktavia wasn't familiar with this whole procedure yet. Lincoln and Indra told her already a lot, but it was still strange to her.
"Do you have someone who could take this position?"
Lexa looked at her.
"I have someone in mind, but I need your help to find this person. Her name is Gaia, she's Indra's daughter."
Oktavia was shocked. She didn't know Indra had a daughter, she never mentioned her. Lexa continued.
"But I have no idea where she is and I didn't have a chance to talk to Indra yet. I would ask you to go and find Indra, explain to her what I just told you, and then go and find her. But you need to return before the execution so we can present Gaia as the new Fleimkepa to the people!"
Lexa wasn't sure if Gaia would take this offer, but what Indra told her, it would be what Gaia always wanted.
Oktavia nodded. "Of course, I'll go and look for her immediately."
Lexa took her arm to prevent her from leaving.
"There is something else I want to talk to you about!"
Octavia looked at Lexa's hand on her arm and back to her.
"Clarke woke up!"
Oktavia's eyes lightened up in relief. "She did? That is great news. How is she ?"
Lexa shook her head.
"She's fine, well kind of. Her body is healing and she is already able to walk and talk again, but she lost her memories."
The pain was visible in Lexa's eyes.
Oktavia needed to process the news.
"She lost her memories? What do you mean?"
Lexa took a moment to regain her strength again. "She doesn't remember the last few weeks. The last thing she remembers is how you freed your people from Mount Weather and returned to the Ark. She knows she left you there and lived in the forest for some time, but that's it!"
It took Octavia several seconds to process it until it made click.
"Damn, I'm sorry Lexa. That sucks. I mean, ehm, that's shit."
Lexa nodded. "Mhm, but Abby hopes she'll get her memories back after some time. But you know Clarke, she's resentful."
Oktavia nodded. "Oh yeah, she is. But you know she is also really strong, I'm sure she'll be her old self again."
Lexa liked that positive site about Oktavia. Seeing the best in the worst was a good thing.
"I hope so, but you should really go and find Indra now. It'll be dark soon and we don't have much time left."
Oktavia nodded and left immediately.
After a while, Lexa decided it was finally time to face her demons.
She was escorted by her guards out of the building and towards the chambers.
It was a filthy place. Cold and dark, in the tunnels that ran under the streets of the Polis.
No one would spend their time there if they mustn't, so it was the best place to keep their prisoners, to make their life even more miserable than it already was.
Even so, Titus was sentenced to death, she made sure, that he got the best chamber of them all. It had a normal bed and a small table and chair, also some candles were set up for him, to make it a bit more comfortable.
Titus was sitting at the table and wrote on a piece of paper, he didn't even look up when the door was opened. Only when Lexa told her guards to wait outside, he raised his head and stood up immediately. He bowed in respect and it hurt her to see that he was still so loyal to her.
"You may sit again!", she told him and sat down on the other free chair.
He waited until she sat down and did so too.
"Heda, I'm sorry for what I have done. I never meant to hurt you. You know that!"
Lexa needed all her courage not to show her emotions, also he knew he could see right through her. He always could.
"I know Titus. But you also know that it had to be done! Your actions can't be left unpunished and by punishing you then others will see that no one will be pardoned."
Titus looked at him and smiled lightly.
"It makes me proud to see, what an incredibly strong person you have become, Heda."
He confused her. Every other person would bag for his life, but not him. He still respected her and her decisions.
"Titus, it wasn't a decision I made easily. I don't want to do this. I don't. But you broke so many laws. You nearly killed her!"
She was fighting to keep her facade up. Inside she was broking apart. He was her only family all the years. He was like a father, a friend, a loyal servant to her. She never trusted anyone as she did him.
"Heda, you need to stay strong! I understand your decision. Pardon me now, would only show your weakness. But you have to keep that in mind. Even when you with her! She makes you weak. She will cost you your life!"
Lexa exhaled. He didn't get it and she knew there was no need to argue about that.
"You made me strong, Titus. But you also showed me that it's sometimes better to listen to your gut feeling. Even if it's risky."
She stood up and so did he. It was an awkward moment for both of them.
Lexa wasn't sure what the right procedure for this moment was. Her head told her to leave now, for good, her heart screamed at her to not make a decision she would probably regret.
To Titus's surprise, Lexa took a step forward and hugged him. She hugged him as if it was the most important thing in the world. He was her strength in all the years and leaving him now, frightened her.
After a moment, he hugged her too. He knew this need for shelter and protection from the younger Natblidas. Those who were separated from their families and felt homesick.
Lexa was one of those children long ago, but she grew out of it fast and she didn't ask for any kind of comfort since then.
He whispered, so only she could hear him.
"Lexa, I'm not angry with you and I don't fear death. But I'm afraid that something might happen to you. So please, always remember my teachings. Stay strong and always let your people with the kind of passion and wisdom you did before they came to our earth!"
Then he released her from the hug and pushed her towards the door.
When Lexa looked back to him, he was sitting on the chair and continued with the letter he wrote when she entered.
It broke her heart, but he was right. It must be done.
She turned around and left without another look back.
Clarke watched the sun went down from her balcony.
Her mother had her lay in bed the whole day, but now she was out with Kane, also a strange thing she didn't remember, but as long as he kept her mother distracted she hadn't any problem with this, and she used the opportunity to finally get out of bed.
The people on the streets started to head back to their homes and the crowded streets started to get empty and silence again.
Clarke started to wonder when Lexa would finally come to her, as she promised she would.
She knew she was busy. The commander was needed everywhere and for everything, especially with the execution coming up tomorrow.
Her mother told her about it and she still wasn't sure what to think about it.
A man would get killed for trying to kill her, but she didn't remember him or the incident at all.
What confused her, even more, was that some of her people would get killed, too. All her instincts told her it was wrong and she needed to protect them, but something deep down in her mind told her that they deserved it.
Her mother already tried to explain everything to her, but she also knew her mother, and she wasn't objective when it came to protecting her people and Kane wasn't a big help either, because he was on her mother's side.
"Hey", Clarke got distracted by a calm and warm voice, she knew so well. Her heart started to go faster and she couldn't hide the little smile when she turned around. It seemed like if her body would remember things her brain couldn't.
Lexa was standing at the door.
She already closed them and Clarke wondered how she got that lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear her enter her room.
Lexa looked beautiful, like always. She was wearing some clothes, that looked more comfortable than the clothes she wears during her time as the commander. Her hair was already unbraided, and her locks were falling so perfectly over her shoulder.
It took Clarke some time to sort her mind again so that Lexa started to get unsure if it was the right decision to come to her.
Clarke finally noticed the plate with some bread, cheese, and some fruits, Lexa was holding. It was a strength view. She never saw Lexa doing normal things, most times some of her servants would do that and so Lexa seemed to be unsure what to do with it.
"Oh, thank god you are finally here. I'm starving!", Clarke walked towards her and took the plate from her and put it in the middle of her bed, and set down.
Lexa followed her but stopped in front of Clarke's bed. She didn't mean to cross any boundaries and looked around for a chair to sit on.
"Sorry. It was a long day and I had a lot to get organized!", she apologized and finally found a chair.
Clarke watched her in amusement and stopped her just before she could reach the chair.
"Lexa don't be ridiculous. The bed is huge, I think there is enough space for both of us", and gestured to the end of the bed.
It took Lexa a moment to think about it, but if Clarke offered it to her, she wouldn't cross the boundary. She sat down and felt immediately how tired she was, but she waited for this moment the whole day. She would enjoy the time Clarke decided to spent with her. Who knows if this time wouldn't be the last.
Clarke watched the food, not sure what would be a good option to start with, but her eyes were captured by some flowers that were twisted into a bracelet.
"What's that?"
Lexa looked down and forgot about the bracelet.
"I met a little girl today, she gave me two of those. One for you and one for me. It should help you to get better soon, she said."
Clarke took it and put it on. It was beautiful and smelled amazing.
"I should visit her and thank her personally for that."
Lexa smiled lightly. "I already told her that we will with her when you feel better. So you said you were starving. I wasn't sure what you would like to eat, so I let the cooks prepare something I like. I hope that's fine with you!"
Clarke looked up and smiled. "Did I ever tell you what we ate on the Arc?"
Lexa shook her head.
Clarke laughed. "We had different types of plants, but all of them tasted the same, and all of them were disgusting! But they kept us alive, so it served their purpose!"
Lexa always liked to hear about Clarke's life before she came down to earth. Some of her stories helped her to understand her people better.
"Then I guess this will be a mind-blowing experience for you!", Lexa smiled and put some of the cheese on a piece of bread and handed it to Clarke. "Try this!"
First, Clarke inspected it curiously but then she took a huge bite of it. After a few seconds, she held her hand in front of her mouth and said with her mouth still full "that's delicious" and took another bite.
Lexa laughed quietly. "I told you so!" and took also one piece and started to take small bites while watching Clarke in amusement who already took the seconds piece.
They enjoyed their food in silence for a while until Clarke mostly emptied the whole plate on her own and laid back against her pillows.
"I never had something that tasted this good, or had I?", she looked at Lexa questioning. She wasn't sure if Lexa and she already ate together and she just couldn't remember it.
Lexa shook her head and also got herself more comfortable on the bed. "I don't think so."
"Oh ok, then it that case I want to eat this every day!"
Lexa smiled, "as long as you are here, my cooks will prepare you whatever you desire."
There was something bitter and sad in her voice, which wasn't unnoticed by Clarke.
Until now, they had a good time, but it was clear that they would come to a point where they needed to talk about some serious topics.
So Clarke took the first step.
"My mother told me, that she wants to stay a little bit longer. She mentioned something like you allowed her to work with your healers for a while and help with some treatments?"
Lexa seemed to be happy, Clarke turned the conversation to something more pleasant.
"She asked for my permission and I think it's a great idea. My healers can learn a lot from your way of healing and maybe they can show her some of ours. You are still not familiar with our plants and some of their healing functions, so that would be a great opportunity to exchange knowledge."
"My mother asked you for permission?", Clarke was shocked.
Her mother never asked for permission, not even on the Ark where some of her decision might cost her life. A lot must have happened. The last time she remembered her mom hated Lexa.
Lexa just nodded lightly.
"Wow, what have you done to her? She seems to like you a lot!"
Her mother told her how much Lexa had helped her to save her life, but it takes more to change Abby's mind.
Lexa looked shocked for a moment but then identified it just to be a phrase Skypeople used.
"I'm not sure. I think I opened up a bit when I was with her. We had some conversations on our way from Arkadia to Polis and even here she decided to look after me."
She wasn't sure what had happened, but somehow she respected Abby and enjoyed her company in the last time.
Clarke watched Lexa for a while and shook her head in disbelief.
"You are special. My mother is a tough one and if you changed her mind, you must have done something right!"
Lexa looked at Clarke and when their eyes meet she turned her head and looked to the balcony. "I think that won't stay for long, after tomorrow she won't be that pleased with me anymore!"
Clarke kept on watching her. All the responsibilities and the burden she was carrying were too heavy for one soul. No matter if she was the commander or not.
"She already knows about everything. Kane told her."
Lexa looked back at Clarke and smirked lightly. "Why am I not surprised about that."
"Oh no, I think that's something I'm not pissed about not to remember. I mean I'm glad that she's happy, but you don't know Kane as I do. He's different now, but on the Ark, he was such an idiot." Clarke shook her head.
Lexa got curious. "Sounds like interesting stories might come up someday?"
Clarke nodded. "I have tons of them. But anyway, back to the topic. Do you think the execution is really necessary?"
It was a difficult thing to talk about for both of them.
Clarke didn't mean to offend her or change her mind, because she didn't remember and so her opinion wouldn't be a good one.
Lexa looked at Clarke. "I don't want to fight with you about it. I know you want to protect your people, but there is no other way. My people wanted the death of all of your people, but I changed their minds and they accepted the decision to not kill the innocent."
Clarke stopped her, by putting her hand on hers.
"Lexa, I don't mean this. I know there was no other way and that you did your best, with the decision you made. My mother and Kane already told me about everything. I mean your decision regarding Titus!"
Lexa expected a lot, but not this. She looked at Clarke and then down on her hand and hers.
She turned her hand, so she could hold hers.
"I needed to make a statement!"
Clarke exhaled loudly but left her hand right in Lexa's.
"I didn't mean that either. Kane explained your relationship with Titus to me and what an important role he plays in the whole commander, nightbleeder, conclave thing. I want to know how you, and not the commander, feels about this!"
Clarke knew immediately she hit a nerve when Lexa's grip got stronger.
This was something Lexa avoided for the last hours. She didn't want to face her feelings again, but now Clarke asked her this directly she had no other choice. Besides she wanted to show Clarke, that she takes it seriously and she could trust her. She needed to open up to her otherwise she would lose her.
She looked up and straight into Clarke's eyes, not hiding the tears in her eyes, that were just waiting to finally be released.
"It hurts. A lot. But there is no other way I could handle this situation! He nearly killed you. he nearly killed me, if you wouldn't have jumped in front of me. He betrayed me."
Lexa stopped and took a deep breath still trying to swallow those tears.
"I did what? Hold on. Tell me what happened when I was shot!", Clarke knew she was shot by Titus but didn't know the circumstances yet and until now she didn't think about it, but it seemed to be more complicated than this.
Clarke's question distracted Lexa from her emotions and she was thankful for that. But she remembered that besides Murphy and Titus no one knew what exactly has happened and so it wasn't a surprise Clarke didn't know it yet. But Lexa wasn't sure if she could handle all of it.
"Are you sure?"
Clarke rolled with her eyes. "Of course I am. I mean this is the reason we are in that whole mess right now." She noticed she said "we", but it was already too late, but maybe her subconscious knew more than she does.
Lexa took a big breath.
"You were here, by my side, but Pike and his followers decided to start attacking innocent grounders in the villages around Arkadia. It was something we couldn't accept. We sent some grounder warriors there to keep them in Arkadia. Oktavia and you decided to return to Arkadia to help solve this problem. You came to my room to tell me you'll leave soon and when you returned to your room, Titus waited for you and he kept your friend Murphy captive."
Lexa decided to spare her the details and keep it as neutral as possible.
"You told him you were leaving, but that wasn't good enough for Titus. He decided that he must kill you, that would be the only way to keep you out of Polis. He wanted to use one of your weapons, to fool us. He wanted to make it look like Murphy killed you. But when he started to fire some shots, you managed to get to the doors unharmed."
It took her a moment to continue.
"I decided to escort you and Octavia to the gates, but when I reached your door I heard the shots and when I entered you pushed me to the side and took the bullet, that would have hit me."
She looked to Clarke, who was still trying to process the new information she got.
"I jumped in front of you?", she looked right into Lexa's eyes, "to protect you? I was willing to die, so you could live?"
Lexa nodded lightly, "Sha! (Yes)"
Clarke looked down on her hand, which still was in Lexa's. A sharp pain behind her eyes let her take her hand away and put it on the point where it hurt. She closed her eyes, and saw Lexa, kneeling beside her. She was worried and begging her to keep her eyes open, but it was just too hard. As fast as the pain appeared, as fast it was gone again.
What the hell was that? Was it a flashback?
She looked back at Lexa, trying to act normal, like if nothing has happened.
"Why did he wanted me dead? What have I done to him?"
Lexa looked down at her hand, just where Clarke's was just seconds before.
"You did nothing to him! He just wanted to protect me!"
It still didn't make any sense and Clarke started to lose her patience with her.
"God damn it, Lexa, would you please explain it to me?"
Lexa finally looked up, straight into Clarke's eyes.
"I was falling for you, Clarke! He knew it and he knew that it would be dangerous for me. He thinks that feelings make me weak, like the decision I made to protect you. And he knew he could say whatever he wanted to, but it wouldn't change my feelings for you! As long as you were alive you would be a threat to me. So the only option was to get rid of you to get me back on track!"
It was finally out. Somehow Lexa felt relieved but she was also nervous about what Clarke was going to say or do.
She searched for any hints in Clarke's eyes, but she was staring into the emptiness.
After a while, the words settled into Clarke's brain. It made sense. Finally.
But there were still so many question marks left.
What happened between Lexa and her in the last weeks. Were her feelings for Lexa the same? She liked her, a lot, but after the Mountain, she was left with so many emotions. Lexa and she wasn't an option at that time.
"Did I," she stopped. She wasn't sure if she was ready for the answer she might get. But she needed to know.
"I mean, where my feelings towards you the same?"
Lexa smirked lightly. "I think so. At least you tried to show it to me in some ways!"
Clarke holds her hands up in self-defense. "Not too many details, please. I think I'm not ready yet!"
Lexa's smirk disappeared, but she nodded lightly. "Sure, whenever you are ready!"
Clarke nodded too. "Thank you. I know it's hard for you, too. I see now that we moved on in the last weeks. Left the shadows of the Mountain behind us and I'm willing to try it again, but I need time! Do you understand this?"
A loud, angry voice in front of the door, stopped Lexa from answering. It was from Abby. She was furious the guards let Clarke stay awake for that long.
Lexa decided it would be better to stand up. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea, Abby would see them both like that, but she was stopped by Clarke, who was lying her hand on her leg and whispered, "please, stay!"
That was all she needed to hear, to change her mind and she stayed.
Clarke leaned back into her pillows and rolled her eyes, which made Lexa smile in amusement.
"Mom, I'm fine. Leave them alone. it's not their fault."
Abby crashed in the room just seconds later but stopped immediately when she saw Lexa next to her daughter. Kane was apologizing to the guards and stepped behind Abby.
Both of them weren't sure what to think about this scene.
Lexa decided it would be best to come up with a good little white lie to calm Abby done.
"Good evening, Abby", she said and nodded to Kane. "Kane!"
Both of them murmured also a good evening, but still unsure of what to say.
"I just told Clarke about the procedure tomorrow evening and that it's up to her if she wants to attend it or not. But in my opinion, she should still stay in bed and rest. Don't you think so too Abby?"
Clarke was impressed, by how easy Lexa came up with a lie and how good it was. It was exactly the one Abby needed to hear, to get back to the track and calm her down.
"Yeah, that's true. I'm glad you decided to talk to Clarke about it, maybe she'll listen to you!"
It amused Clarke. "Lexa, I mean the commander, can be a convincing mom."
She looked to Kane, who was as uncomfortable as she was.
"Mother, I would love to continue my conversation, is there anything else?"
Her mother should leave, she always interrupted her in the worst moments. But Abby wasn't willing to leave them that easily.
Thankfully Kane laid his hands on Abby's shoulder and pushed her back towards the door.
"Abby she's fine. Let us leave you can look for her tomorrow!"
He didn't wait for Abby to start arguing, and Clarke formed a silent "thank you" with her lips, towards him and he just nodded, while closing the doors behind them.
Abby's angry words were still audible for a while, but after a few minutes, Kane seemed to calm her down again. It became silent again.
Lexa looked to Clarke. "Your mother is right. I should leave now. It's late and you need to rest." She stood up but was stopped by Clarke again, who was holding her arm.
"Would it be strange to ask you to stay?"
"Do you think it would be a good idea?"
Clarke wasn't sure either, but somehow it felt right. So she nodded.
"I'm not sure why, but when I fell asleep in your room I felt calm and it was the first night since the incident that I didn't have a nightmare."
Lexa smirked.
"So you need me to stay, so you could get a good sleep?"
Clarke smiled apologetically. "Maybe?!"
Lexa sat down again and Clarke continued. "And maybe I enjoy your company."
"I think you convinced me with these good reasons!"
Clarke put her blanket up to offer Lexa to slip under it, and she did but still keeping her distance.
Both made themselves comfortable. After a while, they found themselves lying next to each other, facing the other one but not saying anything, just enjoying the moment.
Clarke whispered. "Thank you for the evening. I think we should continue when you are free again!"
Lexa nodded lightly. "I'd love that, but I'm not sure if I can do that tomorrow."
"I understand that, but I want you to know that I'm here. You can come anytime you want. We don't need to talk."
A small smile appeared on Lexa's face, that confused Clarke.
"What was so funny about that!"
Lexa shook her head. "You said the same thing to me, the day you were shot, but let's say under different circumstances."
"I think that should be enough for now. Reshop, Heda!" (Goodnight, commander)
"Goodnight Clarke!"