Chapter 13
By the time Chakotay got out of the now all-too-familiar Aspire sickbay, his arm still tender but mostly healed, he realized he was starving. However Captain Asani had invited the Voyager senior staff, Admiral Mendez, as well as the captains of the Cousteau and Einstein to dine with her in the evening while the three ships traveled to Earth together. So Chakotay decided to stop by the mess hall for a small snack, just enough to sustain him until then. When he was done he still had some time to kill before dinner. His mind floated back to his conversation with Kathryn in the holodeck earlier that day. You should have come and found me. Chakotay smiled to himself. As much as he was tempted to do just that, while he'd been stuck in sickbay, Kathryn had decided to check up on the rest of the Voyager crew currently dispersed on the Einstein and the Cousteau. And he doubted she would be back already. So with about an hour left to kill before dinner, he decided to take the opportunity to get a haircut from the ship's barber while he could.
Once he was done with that, feeling more like himself than he had in weeks, he moved on to the other thing that had been weighing on him since they'd caught Jem.
His steps took him down to the brig.
It was quiet when he stepped inside the room, the silence only interrupted by the background hum of the energy fields containing their now six prisoners. Chakotay nodded to the security officers as he approached the cells. Sébas was likely to get a deal for all of his help, but for now he was still the first cell's resident. When Chakotay walked in he was reading on a PADD and he looked up to nod at him. Chakotay returned it. Next was Katan, who appeared to be sleeping on his bunk, facing the back wall. Punjan was just sitting there and he gave Chakotay a sour look before turning his head to stare ahead. And then was Jem.
She was pacing in her cell, as if still full of pent-up energy. Chakotay turned on the communication system so that they could speak without her neighbors hearing before pulling up a chair near the force field. She gave a derisive smirk when she saw him sit down.
"Did you come to gloat? I didn't think your Starfleet sense of decency would permit you to do that," she said by way of greeting.
Chakotay shook his head. "You thought right – gloating is not really my style. How's the leg?" He had seen the sheer pain and fear when her leg had passed through B'Elanna and Seven's "net." It must have hurt like hell.
She shrugged. "I'll live. How's the arm?" She replied without losing a beat, raising an eyebrow.
Chakotay gave a crooked smile. "I'll live."
She nodded, then seeing that he didn't say anything else, she sighed, in so doing shedding the hostility from her posture. It left her looking small. "What's going to happen to me?" She asked as she stepped a little closer to the force field and crossed her arms.
"The Federation will charge you with grand larceny, for the series of thefts you've orchestrated and for unlawfully seizing Federation technology. And humanoid trafficking charges are usually hefty."
She snorted, shaking her head. "That wasn't me. I struck a bargain with the Second Clan – I allowed them to use my compound for their trafficking activities in exchange for the heir's help in getting me accepted by the rest of the clans. If I had known…"
Chakotay studied her. For once he knew that she was speaking the truth. It fitted with everything else he knew about her. "Just because you didn't do it yourself, do you think that makes it okay?"
"No. Of course I don't. I've always despised those kinds of businesses. But… desperate times call for desperate measures. For what good it did me," she muttered to herself as she turned her head to look around, as if she couldn't quite bear Chakotay's steady and disapproving gaze. In the end she went to sit on her bunk.
"For your information," Chakotay started again, "I've been authorized to tell you that a certain Loxeron has also been apprehended. That's the Second Clan heir you struck a bargain with, right?"
She nodded, her eyes widening. And then she laughed, as if the thought of dragging Loxeron down with her gave her a great sense of satisfaction.
"What did you promise in exchange for the armada?" Chakotay asked. "The Federation crews would have made easy pickings for the slave market, is that it?"
She shook her head. "I told you – I don't trade in humanoid lives."
"No, you let others do it for you."
She shook her head, annoyed. "I promised them all of my assets, present and future. And my allegiance to them, should they decide to take on the First Clan." She tilted her head. "The Kigyun will likely retaliate for Loxeron's capture."
Chakotay nodded. "Maybe. But for now Starfleet has established a truce with the First Clan. They seem perfectly fine with the knowledge that we have Loxeron. In fact, they assure us that they knew nothing about your operation with the Wraiths, or Loxeron's involvement, and that they would have never condoned your actions if they had known. Looks like your desire to belong backfired." Her eyes flashed for a moment, but then she turned away.
"Whatever," she mumbled. "So you're not here to gloat, but to lecture me, is that it?"
Chakotay shook his head. "No. But there are some things I'm curious about, so I thought we could cut to the chase and have an honest conversation for once." He paused to lean his elbows on his thighs. "How did you know that Voyager had all that anti-Borg technology? The ablative generators? As far as I know it wasn't public knowledge." He made sure his tone was curious rather than making it sound like an interrogation. It had been nagging at him for a while, now.
She considered him for a moment, her lips tugging upward, just a slight twitch. "You're wondering if there's a spy among you. I don't know anything about that. I got the information from the Kigyun intel network. Paid a good price for it too. But I can tell you that the Kigyun generally stay away from Starfleet, though, so it's more likely that there was a leak and the information found its way into Scavenger hand."
Chakotay nodded. That was good to know, though he knew better than to take her at her word. Which brought him to the second question that had been nagging at him. He paused as he considered her, the pretty, keen face and the strange bottomless eyes. He inhaled. "You were just taunting me earlier, when you said you wanted me to look at you as I look at Captain Janeway," he said, turning his statement into a question. He already knew the answer, it was a leading question.
She raised her chin at that. "I was... Or was I?" She added with a crooked smile and narrowed eyes.
Chakotay snorted, shaking his head. "Here's what's bugging me about it: the only reason why I hesitated, was because if you'd had feelings for me it would have explained why you let me live for so long. You had several opportunities to kill me or get rid of me. Katan certainly would have been happy to do the job for you, if you'd asked him. So why didn't you?"
She shrugged, but Chakotay could see her debating with herself whether to tell him the truth. "I'm just not a fan of killing. Or violence." She looked away again.
"Could have fooled me."
Her eyes met his squarely at the reference to her attacks on him. "That was out of necessity. I wouldn't have killed you."
"So, you're actually telling me that your sense of morality is what stopped you?"
"Yes. Why is that so hard for you to believe?" She asked when Chakotay started chuckling humorlessly with a shake of the head. "You almost killed Punjan but you stopped before finishing him. Why am I different?"
Chakotay shook his head, but then stood to his feet, setting the chair back where he'd found it. She wasn't entirely wrong, but it wasn't just that – it was the whole context. Even though Chakotay honestly didn't think she was evil, she was still a crime boss who had permitted humanoid trafficking to happen in her house, under her watch. "If you really don't know then maybe your sense of morality is a little off kilter," he replied. "But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be."
"Wait," she called back just before he went through the brig door. She raised her chin. "You caught me fair and square, so I guess you've earned the truth. I was taunting you, earlier. You're a decent one – that's a compelling quality, but it can also be a weakness. I knew that you wouldn't be able to bear the thought that you might have hurt my feelings, so I took advantage of it. I suppose I'm telling you this as a cautionary tale."
Chakotay studied her a while longer. A while ago she had told him he was too kind for this kind of work, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that maybe she'd been right. Had he gone soft in the years on Voyager? No. He'd always sought out the good in people, long before he had met Kathryn and the rest of the Voyager crew. He sighed mentally at the way Jem's words unwittingly reminded him of the other times his 'decency' – his desire to do the right thing, to see the good in people – had been turned against him. With Seska, in particular. Would he ever learn? He pushed the thought away.
"Well," she went on after a moment, "although it costs me to admit defeat, you've played me well. I might be eighteen, but I'm mature enough to recognize that you outsmarted me." This time, her words seem to hang in the silence, and in the challenge in her eyes.
Chakotay frowned at it, fully serious now. "It wasn't a game, Jem."
"Sure it was. And I learned some valuable lessons."
"Have you?" Chakotay prompted, not entirely sure whether he wanted to hear the answer.
"Never trust anyone. Especially not the decent ones."
Chakotay sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Well, I'm truly sorry that this is the lesson you got out of all this." He considered saying more, perhaps try to make her see the real lessons, but he was already running late for dinner, so he merely studied her for a moment longer. "Take care, Jem." With one last nod he left the brig.
oooOooo
"Would you like to hold her, Captain?"
Kathryn paused her cooing over Miral in Tom's arms to raise her eyes to Miral's father. "Oh I'd love to," Kathryn replied, beaming.
Tom exchanged a smile with B'Elanna before transferring Miral to Kathryn's arms. With the feel of the baby in her arms, Kathryn resumed her quiet cooing while she listened to Tom, B'Elanna, Harry and Commander Hale discussing the latest updates on the whole Kigyun situation. There was now talk of more official negotiations opening up between the Federation and the Scavenger leadership, mostly to offer them a way to create a lawful version of their trade. She knew Starfleet intended these negotiations to have a curtailing impact on criminal activities, but having seen firsthand what those compounds had been like – the fear, the stench, the despair – Kathryn couldn't quite bring herself to agree with Starfleet's lenient policy. But perhaps she was too close to the whole thing to see the entire picture. Maybe she needed time to accept it, just like she would eventually need to come to grips with the fact that she no longer had a ship. That she'd lost Voyager. The unbidden thought instantly constricted her throat. She quickly swallowed past the lump, focusing on Miral's wide eyes and the small fingers that instinctively gripped hers.
After a moment, Kathryn looked over her shoulder, scanning for Chakotay through the small crowd. All of Voyager's senior staff was already here, mingling with each other and with Captain Asani's other guests before dinner was served, but Chakotay was running fashionably late. This was likely to be the last night aboard Aspire; hence the invitation to dinner at the captain's table. Kathryn was grateful for the opportunity to unwind with her peers after the last few days, but there was another part of her – the emotionally and physically exhausted part of her – that longed for the moment when she would be able to settle in a warm bath and, hopefully, lose herself in Chakotay's arms.
As if she'd conjured him with her thoughts, out of the corner of her eyes she spied him walking through the door and look around before being accosted by Captain Asani. The captain offered him a glass of white wine, which he took with a nod and a smile, before he scanned the room again. His smile widened when his gaze found Kathryn's. She couldn't quite stop herself from watching him as he made his way through the crowd, smiling and greeting everyone with nods, smiles, and amicable hands on shoulders. Her earlier desire to be alone with him only strengthened as she remembered the feel of those hands on her skin. He smiled at them when he reached their group at last, making eye contact with Kathryn briefly.
"Well look at you," B'Elanna drawled teasingly as her eyes traveled to his newly-cut hair. "All that's missing is the uniform."
Chakotay chuckled, deflecting the attention by directing his eyes to Miral, still wide awake in Kathryn's arms. He chuckled delightfully when he reached out and Miral grasped his fingers on instinct. The sight was so endearing Kathryn felt something swell inside her.
"You are coming back, aren't you?" Tom asked Chakotay.
Kathryn studied Chakotay's expression. His eyes darted to hers ever so briefly before quickly returning his gaze resolutely to Miral. "Actually I haven't decided yet."
Kathryn studied him some more. It was telling that he hadn't made up his mind yet. She knew him well enough to know that if he had intended to return to Starfleet, he would already be wearing the uniform. So he must be seriously considering not returning then. She wasn't sure what to make of that yet, except that it seemed to bring home the fact that their journey to the Delta Quadrant was truly, irrevocably over. With Voyager gone, Chakotay officially resigning… Kathryn shoved the thought away.
To lighten the mood, Kathryn swatted at his chest with the back of her hand, changing the topic. "You're late!" She reprimanded, though her smile belied her reproach. There was a question in there, so Chakotay nodded.
"I stopped by the brig before coming up here. I had some questions for Jem. It turns out she was chattier than I expected."
Kathryn's smile turned curious, but just as she opened her mouth to speak, Captain Asani invited them all to sit at the table. Kathryn sat between Chakotay and Captain Asani and soon everyone was chatting amicably as they ate, mostly relating key moments from the last few days and discussing current developments. Though Chakotay was smiling and occasionally active in the conversation, he was mostly quiet, and Kathryn couldn't stop herself from stealing glances at him. Wondering what could be on his mind.
At some point Admiral Mendez addressed all those present, wearing a rare smile. "Well, if any of you are interested to come work for me at Starfleet Intelligence, I will take you in a heartbeat. All of you," she added and Kathryn couldn't fail to notice the admiral's meaningful look at Chakotay. He and everyone laughed at her joking tone, but Kathryn had an inkling the offer was real, especially where he was concerned. He'd told her earlier that he had hated working as an undercover agent, so she doubted he would accept should Mendez offer. Nevertheless she wished she could read his mind at that moment, to know what he was thinking.
After that the conversation drifted on its own and continued even after they were done eating. Kathryn was engaged in a conversation with Captain Asani and her first officer when Commander Nobrega suddenly stood and cleared her throat. "If I could have a moment's attention," she said, drawing everyone's focus on her, then cleared her throat again. Kathryn glanced questioningly toward Chakotay but he gave a quick shake of the head. Commander Nobrega moved around her chair and stopped right in front of Kathryn. She had her hands behind her back, as if she were hiding something.
"Captain Janeway, as you know, some of the Voyager crew worked with the Cousteau and Einstein officers to salvage what they could from Voyager. They found this, which we all felt should return to you." As she spoke she revealed what she'd been holding behind her back.
Kathryn swallowed hard as she stared in stunned surprise, her eyes stuck to the familiar golden plaque in the commander's hands, inscribed with the words USS Voyager. The very same plaque that had hung on the bridge. Kathryn stared at it for a long time, her mind going completely blank for a full two seconds. She slowly took the plaque from Nobrega's hands and the feel of the cold metal on her fingers suddenly triggered a rush of sorrow so strong she couldn't breathe.
This. This was what was left of her ship. Of their journey. Of their hardships and successes. Of their home.
She wanted to say something – thank Nobrega, thank the crew. But her throat had closed up, hot tears pricking her eyes. Her gaze swept around the table, but seeing the understanding and sympathetic smiles and gazes of her officers and friends, the tightness around her chest and throat and lungs only worsened. And suddenly the surge of emotions that she had worked so hard to ignore over the last few days swelled inside her, overpowering and uncontrollable. Refusing to let herself fall apart in front of everyone, she pushed to her feet with a sharp inhale. "Excuse me." She darted out of the room, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. It was impossible to ignore the feel of everyone's gazes on her back.
Kathryn only got as far as the corridor before she stopped and lifted her arm to lean against the bulkhead, closing her eyes. She couldn't breathe, not through the tightness constricting her ribcage and her throat and her heart. She took a series of deep, shaky breaths, desperate to get a grip. She couldn't fall apart now, not when they were all waiting for her to come back and be Captain Kathryn Janeway. Strong. Willful. Determined. In control. She had been able to keep it in all this time, she just had to get a grip-
"Captain."
Commander Nobrega. Kathryn sniffled as she straightened. "If you don't mind I need a minute, Commander," she replied, hating how shaky her voice sounded.
Out of the corner of her eyes, Nobrega nodded, but stepped closer anyway. "Of course. And I'll leave you alone in a moment. There's just one thing I think you need to hear. It might help, I don't know. I hope it will help." She stepped a little closer, as if approaching a frightened animal. "I can't even begin to understand what you're going through. I imagine Voyager must have seemed like a member of the crew to you, after everything you went through. And I'm truly sorry for your loss. But, I thought you should know… I've had a chance to talk to most of the crew over the last couple of days, just, checking up on them. And every single one of them agrees: it's not the ship that matters. The ship will be rebuilt. Luckily, all of Voyager's logs and database have already been transferred to Starfleet Command, so almost everything we lost can be rebuilt. And it will be. As the metaphor goes, Voyager will be reborn from her ashes. Like a phoenix."
Kathryn shook her head, but the commander wasn't done.
"My point, Captain, is that, though the crew is saddened by the loss of Voyager, there's one thing that was brought up repeatedly: and that's the relief that you were still here to hold them together. You are the soul of Voyager, Captain. You. Not the ship."
Damn her, that did it.
The straw that broke the camel's back. The gut-wrenching sob that she had fought so hard to keep in check rose from deep, deep within her and escaped, and there was nothing she could do to keep it in this time. Suddenly tears were spilling from her eyes and another sob escaped her when she tried to breathe.
At that moment Kathryn knew that this sob had been building inside of her for days now, ever since she had realized Voyager had been destroyed. She had kept it under control, pushing it aside, focusing on the happiness she was finding with Chakotay, concentrating on the mission. But she realized now that those had only been stalling mechanisms – that building up of emotions was always going to have to be let out at some point. And it wasn't only about the loss of Voyager either – this was a catharsis for everything else that had happened, the highs and lows of her emotions, the worry, the relief, the fear, the joys, the exhaustion… And now that the floodgates were open, there was no stopping it.
The commander was at her side in seconds, placing a light hand on her arm, as if unsure whether she was allowed to touch the captain. "I'm sorry, I thought it would help!" She said, looking genuinely baffled.
Kathryn laughed through her tears, wiping at her nose with her hand. "It does, Commander. It does." She reached out to squeeze the commander's arm. She wiped at her cheeks when she was able to breathe more normally. "The Phoenix. That's a better name than Voyager-B," she managed to drawl jokingly through a watery smile.
The commander's lips twitched, but then nodded. "I'll leave you alone, now." She stood to attention and gave her a solemn nod, clicking her heels together. "Captain." She turned to walk away.
"Lisa," Kathryn called her as she wiped her cheeks, enjoying the proud surprise on the younger woman's face at Kathryn's use of her first name. Kathryn cleared her throat, then drew in a breath. "Thank you. For this, and for the plaque," she added as she raised the plaque she still held in her hand to hold it against her chest. "It was very thoughtful of you."
Lisa nodded with a small smile of her own before she continued on her way and left her alone.
Or…not quite.
Kathryn noticed that Lisa passed by Chakotay on her way back inside Captain Asani's dining room. He had one foot in the dining room and one foot in the corridor, holding the door open with his hand on the panel, as if debating with himself whether he should go back inside or come to her; not wanting to intrude, yet letting her know that he was there if she needed him. Letting her decide if she wanted him here.
And she did. Oh god, she did.
It must have shown in her expression because when their eyes locked he stepped completely out into the corridor and quickly bridged the distance that separated them. He stopped just short of running into her and took her free hand, giving it a hard squeeze. It was apparent from his expression that he wanted to offer more, but wasn't sure how much she would allow him to show in this very public space; still not daring to assume that she'd be willing to let the rest of the world witness her vulnerability while in her captain's uniform. But that ship had long sailed now. If people were going to talk, she might as well give them plenty to talk about. So Kathryn made the decision for him. After one long moment looking into his eyes, she let herself fall against him, because in that moment her need for that contact was greater than her pride. He sighed against her hair as he pulled her close, engulfing her in warmth and strength. She breathed him in, his familiar scent soothing, making her smile as she buried her face into his neck.
"I'm sorry I couldn't stop it. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me," he told her, his voice low and pained.
She knew what he was referring to – that moment when she had realized that evacuating Voyager was the only thing left to do. And she had to admit, at the time she had resented him for not being there too. But now she breathed him in and said, "You're here now."
She felt him nod, his hand gently cradling her head, then stroking her back. After a long moment, his embrace loosened.
"So what do you say, should we just ditch the rest of the evening?" He was trying to lighten the mood, and Kathryn had to admit, it worked. She was even able to smile.
"The both of us disappearing together after all this?" She commented wryly, "that would be too much for the grapevine to handle."
A small smile curved his mouth at the sound of her more typical humor. "But you've gotten so good at rumor-mongering, it'd be a shame not to take advantage of that newfound skill of yours," he replied, eyes crinkling in amusement.
Her small snort turned into a bark of laughter, and she was immensely grateful to him for that. To have him by her side to make her smile when she needed it the most. She sighed. "As tempting as that sounds," she replied, her hand going to rest on his chest, "I should probably go back in. Go on back ahead of me. I just need another minute."
He nodded, his eyes still roaming over her face, as if making sure that she was really okay. He gently wiped moisture from her cheek with his thumb. She squeezed his hand in encouragement.
"I'll tell them you had something in your eye," he replied with a wink as he spun to leave. Just before he crossed the threshold, he threw her a small smile over his shoulder.
Kathryn took a couple of deep breaths. Her gaze fell on the plaque she was still holding. She caressed the lettering one more time, thinking back to Commander Nobrega's words. To know that the crew was behind her, that they didn't blame her… The soul of Voyager. The sentiment touched her beyond words. And now that she thought about it, Kathryn could recall that she actually had felt it, earlier, when she'd visited the crew dispersed on the various ships. She had seen how genuinely happy they'd been to see her, how proud they were that she would take the time to check up on them. This knowledge didn't lessen the grief she felt, but it did make it easier to bear. And Commander Nobrega was right, Voyager would be reborn, and though it wouldn't be the same ship, it was the crew that mattered, and the bonds of friendships and loyalty that they created. The rest would come later.
~~o~~
Kathryn decided to drop the plaque in her quarters before returning to the dining room, taking the opportunity to freshen up by the same token, erasing any trace of her emotional outburst. Once she felt composed and more like herself, Kathryn returned to Captain Asani's dining room. By the time she stepped back inside, many of the guests had left the table and were once again spread in small groups, standing or sitting, and chatting over coffee or dessert.
She immediately found Chakotay's gaze across the room while he conversed with Seven and Harry in one corner, and she returned his nod and small smile. Rather than go to them, however, she went to seek out Captain Asani instead, to thank her for dinner and to apologize for leaving so abruptly. Captain Asani was quick to dismiss her apology and instead poured her a cup of coffee and asked her what she thought about the latest paper on the discovery of new protein cofactors in a life form native to the Andorian system – a clear attempt at taking Kathryn's mind away from anything Voyager-related. Though Kathryn was grateful, the captain needn't have worried; Kathryn felt better now, lighter. Steadier. Thanks to Lisa and Chakotay. Nevertheless she was pleased to find in Captain Asani a fellow scientist and she quickly fell in conversation with her, enjoying the opportunity to get to know her better.
After a while Kathryn mingled – or worked the room, as Chakotay described it – with the other captains and guests as well. She'd always liked public functions like this one, where she got to meet interesting people and engage in stimulating conversations, and tonight's guests didn't disappoint. Eventually she found herself back next to Chakotay, chatting with Harry, Tuvok, Tom, B'Elanna and Seven. From what she'd overheard, the group was exchanging anecdotes about the Delta Quadrant and Kathryn had been attracted by the laughter that occasionally erupted from their group.
"If there's one thing the Delta Quadrant didn't have," Harry was saying when she joined the group, "is good coffee!" He raised his mug as if to demonstrate.
"Do you remember that coffee substitute Neelix found?" Tom replied, chuckling. "It was terrible!"
B'Elanna giggled as she swayed with Miral in her arms. "It tasted like mud. Thank goodness that didn't stick around."
Kathryn smiled with the others – she was inclined to share the sentiment. This was good, she decided: remembering the good times. It would be therapeutic. It already was – she could feel it, how it was taking her grief and turning it into something more positive.
Harry laughed as he went on, "Any of you remember, when we were running low on fuel to run the replicators, and we spotted a nebula where we might harvest some. And you, Captain, pointed at that nebula and said: There's coffee in that nebula! There couldn't have been a stronger motivator!" He said, doing a rather good impression of her, and they all chuckled again.
Kathryn shared their smiles, shaking her head. "I'd forgotten that – but let me tell you, it's a very good thing that we were able to refurbish our replicators. You might not have made it with your captain otherwise. No offense to Neelix! I miss him terribly, but I can't say the same for his coffee substitute."
"His cooking was always an adventure, that's for sure," Tom added, grinning.
"To say the least," Tuvok added with a raised eyebrow.
"I remember," Seven chimed in, smiling, "the first time he made me try eating fresh food rather than using my alcoves." She went on to describe Neelix's kindness to her and the funny expression on his face, sparking another round of chuckles.
Kathryn raised her coffee mug in a toast. "Here's to Neelix! Our friend, cook, ambassador and morale officer! May he find all the happiness that he so greatly deserves! And may our paths one day cross again!"
They clinked with fond and nostalgic smiles.
"And here's to Voyager," Kathryn went on, her voice lower, but steady and strong. She met Chakotay's eyes briefly before going on. It warmed her heart to see the quiet pride and love in the hint of his smile and the softness of his eyes. "The ship that brought us to the end of the galaxy and back! We wouldn't be here without her!"
"To Voyager," the others echoed with broad smiles, clinking their mugs and glasses once more.
Chakotay then asked Seven about her alcoves, and what she was going to do to regenerate. She told him that they had managed to transfer one to Earth for Icheb. "But for now, I suppose I will have to try to sleep. I imagine it will take some time for me to feel as energized from it as I did using the alcoves." She sighed, then her eyes narrowed with humor. "I will adapt." Her typical reply prompted another round of chuckles and knowing nods.
Miral started fussing in B'Elanna's arms not long after that, so she and Tom were the first to take their leave. It prompted a general movement and soon most of them were thanking Captain Asani and saying their goodnights before leaving. Kathryn once again became aware of how exhausted she was. It had been a very, very long day. Was it only this morning that she'd woken up deliciously warm in Chakotay's bed, surrounding by the scent of him? She felt herself flush at the memory. It felt like days had passed since then.
Kathryn went around to say her thanks and goodnights, then met Chakotay's eyes across the room. He gave her a small nod from where he was still in conversation with Admiral Mendez. Kathryn understood that to mean that he would catch up with her, so she left with Harry, Lisa, Tuvok and Commander Hale, still chatting and joking amicably. When Kathryn reached her quarters she glanced over her shoulder. There was no sign of Chakotay yet, so she went in and decided to draw herself a hot bath to erase any lingering traces of her emotional roller coaster. She had used the sonic shower earlier, but after the last couple of days and the night's emotions, she felt she'd earned an actual bath.
She got in with a sigh, and with each minute that passed in the warm, scented water, her emotions truly settled, leaving her feeling more at peace than she had in weeks. She was just starting to relax, wonderfully drowsy, when her combadge came to life, where she'd left it with her clothes. She reached out to grab it. "Janeway."
"Sorry I took so long." Chakotay. "It ended up taking a while with Admiral Mendez, then I thought I'd walk Calypso for a bit before turning in. I didn't wake you, did I?"
She smiled. "No, I'm just taking a bath." She paused, but when he didn't comment she went on. "Remember what I said about assuming earlier?" She teased.
He chuckled. "I don't think I'm likely to ever forget that particular conversation."
"Well, it also means assuming that you are welcome in my quarters."
She could almost hear the grin in his voice when he replied. "Good. Because I'm already on my way. I told you it would be risky to give me leave to assume." Kathryn almost squealed a very uncaptain-like sound at both his words and the gravelly quality of his voice. She got out of the tub and dried herself before pulling on her underwear and covered herself with a robe. She was drying the tips of her hair that had touched the water with the towel when the door chimed. She grinned when the door opened, revealing him leaning against the frame with his one of hands, while the other was hidden behind his back. Kathryn's smile widened when she realized he'd brought Calypso. The dog circled Kathryn's legs excitedly as soon as she recognized her. Kathryn bent over to pet her.
With a grin Chakotay lifted his hand to reveal a bottle of wine. "I don't know about you, Captain, but I could use a drink after the week I've had."
Kathryn chuckled as she remembered how, almost two months before, she had been the one saying similar words to him. Luckily, tonight would have none of the uncertainty and angst of that night. With a wry grin she stepped aside to let him in, making sure that the door closed behind him. As if just taking in her appearance, his eyes traveled down over her robe-clad body all the way to her toes and back up to her slightly wet hair. It was just a brief, sly, glance-over when he walked past her, as if he hadn't been able to stop himself from peeking, but that in itself was enough to make her toes curl. Suddenly she was acutely aware that either she was embarrassingly underdressed, or he was annoyingly overdressed.
"So, what did she have to say?" Kathryn asked as she extended her hand for him to give her the bottle.
He lifted his eyes back to hers. "Who?"
Kathryn bit back a smirk at the way his eyes had strayed from her face, and coaxed the bottle from his fingers rather than waiting for him to give it to her. "Admiral Mendez," she clarified as she turned to lead him to the kitchen area.
He followed her. "Oh, she wanted to congratulate us again. And she wanted to ask if it had been absolutely necessary for us to destroy the Klingon raider. Apparently it had been on loan from a Klingon diplomat."
Kathryn threw him a look over her shoulder. "Oops." His eyes twinkled as he returned her smirk. "Is that all?" Kathryn asked curiously as she replicated a bowl with water for Calypso and then opened the wine bottle.
Chakotay gave Calypso the chewing toy he'd had in his pocket to occupy her before he leaned his elbows on the counter as he watched Kathryn pour the wine. He gave a small shrug. "She asked me again, officially."
"To work for her," Kathryn stated more than asked, feeling her eyebrows raise to her hairline. Of course she wasn't surprised – anybody in their right minds would want Chakotay working with them. But the selfish part of her was hoping that if he did return to Starfleet, it would be to travel the galaxy with her.
He nodded.
"Well?" Kathryn pressed curiously as she slid his glass toward him.
"I declined." His eyes darted down for a brief instant. "I think I'd like to try life as a civilian for a while. See what it has to offer."
Kathryn stared at him for a moment, though if she were honest with herself, this didn't really surprise her either, considering his earlier tiptoeing around the question. He frowned a little at her silence, and she realized that he had been dreading her reaction.
"Then that's what you should do," she told him softly as she raised her glass to her lips, inhaling the rich aroma of the wine first.
"No argument?" He pressed softly with a raised eyebrow and the hint of a smile tugging at his lips.
She gave a lopsided smile as she considered it. "None whatsoever. It's your decision, Chakotay. You know best what will make you happy. And I'll respect your choice, whatever it is. You have to know that. I'm not your captain anymore."
"No." Chakotay's lips tugged upward, but then he sobered. She took the opportunity to take another sip from her wine. "But I think we can both agree that you didn't take it so well when I resigned."
Kathryn shook her head shamefully, then leaned her elbows on the counter as well, mirroring his position and covering his hand with hers. "That's because I didn't understand at the time. It just seemed like it had come out of the blue. But I am sorry about the way I reacted that day. I was upset and I didn't understand what was going on. But I'm long past that, now. Besides," she added in her usual sarcastic drawl, "I've been loving having Commander Nobrega as a first officer: she never lectures me." She frowned with a crooked smile. "Well, almost never."
He chuckled softly. "Give her time." His expression turned serious again. "About that… I didn't hear what she told you earlier, but…" He lifted his eyes to hers. "How are you, Kathryn? Really?"
She inhaled as she considered it, pushing herself off the counter. "I'm fine." At his dubious look she went on. "Really, I'm fine. Or I will be. Tonight helped."
He nodded slowly as he studied her face, understanding that she was talking both about her outburst and the conversation and laughter with the crew afterwards. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Kathryn smiled at the thoughtful offer. "I'm sure I will, but not tonight. I've decided that I'm done with sorrow for the night." She hedged around the counter to come over to his side of it.
He nodded as he reached for her, his soft smile reaching his eyes. "Fair enough."
"And what about you, Chakotay?"
"What about me?" He frowned curiously.
"Something's been bothering you all evening. Do you want to talk about it?"
He sighed, tugging on his earlobe once. "It's nothing. Just…"
"Jem?" Kathryn suggested, studying him. He had mentioned seeing her in the brig before coming to dinner. And Kathryn remembered all too well how Jem had managed to throw him off balance on the planet before they had caught her at last.
Chakotay's eyes shot to hers in surprise. He dropped himself down on the stool behind him, sighing, his free hand taking hold of hers. "It's not so much what she said as the fact that I was gullible enough to give her the benefit of the doubt, even after I knew how calculating and manipulating she was. Even after I knew what she was capable of. I can't stop berating myself for it – my doubt, my… decency, as she called it, almost cost us the mission, Kathryn. She almost escaped – again – because of it."
"But she didn't," Kathryn reminded him. "It's not like you to second-guess yourself."
"Not usually, no. But the thing is," he went on, "she wasn't the first one to take advantage of me in this way. So I'm left wondering if I'm ever going to learn."
Kathryn's eyebrows curved upward in sympathy at the way the frustration and the guilt seemed to pour out of him, as if he'd kept it pent up for too long – all this time he had been there to comfort her, while he had been fighting off demons on his own. She stepped closer into his side and placed her glass on the counter so she could snake her arms around his, resting the tip of her chin on his shoulder.
"Well I hope you never do. Because kindness is not a weakness – and don't let anyone convince you that it is. Being kind is so much harder than it is to be petty or meanspirited. Being kind takes courage, to open up yourself to the risk of being hurt or taken advantage of, like you were in this instance. It's a gamble, but one that usually pays off." Kathryn grinned to herself. "Take it from a brave, beautiful and very wise warrior."
He chuckled in surprise at the reference, turning his head to meet her eyes more directly. "You remember."
"Of course I remember. It's not everyday that I'm described as brave, beautiful and wise. Or called a warrior for that matter." He chuckled quietly again, and Kathryn went on, more seriously now. "And if you were talking about Seska before, then don't let that woman get to you now. She was a master at deception, we were all fooled by her. In fact," Kathryn brought back her more typical humor in her voice, patting his shoulder with her hand, "I'd say your only fault might be your bad luck in finding such deceitful people."
He snorted, shaking his head, but his smile eventually reached his eyes. "I'll try to work on that, then."
Kathryn grinned, then disentangled herself from him, taking hold of her glass again.
"So I take it Jem didn't mean it then, what she told you on the planet?"
He scoffed. "About having feelings for me? No."
Kathryn stepped away, starting to make her way to the living room area. He followed half a step behind. "You know I thought she had promise but now I'm quite disappointed in her – she's a fool if she didn't see right away how great of a catch you are. And believe me, I know. I was that fool for seven years."
Chakotay snorted, the good humor and mischief now fully back in his eyes. "You know she's eighteen, right?"
Kathryn grinned. "Might have been a teenage crush, then."
His fingers suddenly hooked into the sash of her robe at her lower back, effectively stopping her from walking any further. She grinned when he tugged slightly, making her spin around to face him. He took a sip from his wine as he watched her, his free hand still hooked around her sash and playing with the fabric, as if wondering how easily the knot would come undone if he tugged. "But enough of Jem and teenage crushes," he said. Kathryn had to gulp at the way his voice seemed to drop an octave. "Are you sure you're not too disappointed that I'm not going to be a professional spy after all?"
She gave a crooked smile as she slid her hand up to graze the short hair at his nape. "Well, I did rather enjoy the whole rugged look," she added teasingly as she trailed her knuckles against his now clean-shaven jaw and the slight cleft in his chin. She felt his jaw muscles work under her fingers.
"Really." His eyes seemed to bore into her. "Duly noted. Anything else?"
Kathryn grinned. She slowly took the glass from his hand and set it down along with hers on the coffee table. His eyes darkened at that, the implications in the gesture, and now both his hands settled at her waist, warm and confident, his thumbs caressing her ribcage through the robe. He tugged on the sash of her robe slightly, bringing her even closer to his body.
Kathryn tilted her head, turning slightly more serious as she studied him. "I really was a fool, you know. I was watching you today, the way you took the lead, listened to everyone's ideas, the way you rallied the crew, the way you refused to give up ..." She went on, inching even closer, looking down briefly to take his hand before lifting her eyes again. "And I realized how lucky I am not only to have had you by my side all this time, but also to have woken up in your bed this morning. And I could not wait to find myself in your arms again."
Chakotay groaned deep in his throat at that. In one move his hand shot up to cup her cheek, his fingers pushing her hair back as they tangled in her locks, while his other hand pulled abruptly on her sash to draw her fully against him. He leaned in hungrily and Kathryn met him halfway, matching him kiss for kiss, moan for moan. She gasped when his hand at her waist slipped through the opening of her robe and made contact with her skin, setting her blood on fire with one heady touch. Her hands grabbed the lapels of his shirt to keep his lips on hers as she started walking them backward. She pulled her lips from his just long enough to tug his shirt out of his pants. They laughed when the shirt got stuck around his head. After they managed to pull it off completely, Kathryn brought her hands up to his cheeks and neck. "I have one more thing to confess," she said as she continued pulling him along with her. "It's about time I tell you."
His breaths shallow, his eyes alight with passion and happiness, Chakotay smiled curiously, but there was a hint of dread in his knitted brows. "Oh?" His hand touched her neck, and Kathryn almost lost all of her ability to think when his lips came to replace her fingers.
"I love you," she said simply, cheekily, smiling as she anticipated his response.
He exhaled. Once. Twice. His hands came up to caress the sides of her face, gently, almost reverently now, his eyes burning brighter, and with more than just passion. "That, Kathryn, I would have never dared to assume."
"Well," Kathryn said with an arch smile, "now you can."
oooOooo
A/N: Well, I probably could have ended the story here, but as per usual I didn't want to let them go quite yet, so there will be a short epilogue, just to wrap everything up nicely.
Also, this was a hard part for me to write, because we never really saw Kathryn fall apart on the show. But I hope it was in character nonetheless – I think that if anything would make Captain Janeway lose her cool, losing her ship would be at the top of that list.
Anyway I hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned for the epilogue…