Chapter 13

There were very few places in the world where I ever felt truly safe, where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that nothing could hurt me, that nothing could ruin the contentment I felt. The first was in my childhood home. In the library, there was a small empty shelf, completely out of view. When I was very young, I would take a book from my room and hide in the library on that shelf. No one knew about my secret shelf: not my parents, not my caregivers, not any of the staff in the estate. It was the only place where no one would ever be able to find me.

My parents found out about my safe place rather quickly. I quickly adjusted, instead spending my alone time in an empty part of my closet. It wasn't as hidden as the bookshelf, I suppose, but it offered a new sense of safety. It was a smaller closet, the smallest of the ones in my room, and my shoulders would almost hit both walls at once. The floral wallpaper was peeling in one corner, curling over onto itself. That secret spot stayed my safe place until it was time to leave for Europe with Cal.

I went without a safe place for a while after that. I was traveling around Europe with Cal, moving from place to place, only pausing for a week or so at a time. Once we were back in America, I had the freedom I always wanted, so I didn't need a safe place anymore. Even once I started courting Cal, I still felt safe, content, in a way I hadn't throughout my childhood. Finally, once Cal had reverted to his original behavior, there wasn't a safe space in the entire estate.

Now, laying in Jack's arms, feeling his heartbeat under my ear, his lips against my forehead, his fingers intertwined with mine, I knew that I had found the safest place of all. Nothing would take him away, nothing would be able to hurt me, not while I was with Jack. He was everything I ever wanted, I knew that now. The way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me, the way he took care of me, the way he treated me like a real person, the way he cared for Mia. He was unparalleled in every way.

Jack's arm was around me, snaking from my shoulder all the way to my waist, where he moved his thumb in comforting motions. My arm was wrapped around him, over his firm abdomen and around to the far side of his waist. I held on tightly, afraid to let him go. "I still can't believe I'm here," I said quietly. "You're alive, and I'm with you. I… I don't know if that'll ever become normal to me."

"I feel the same way," Jack said quietly. The timbre of his voice was different: low, hoarse, wonderful in a new way. "You're here, in my arms, and I still actively miss you." I felt his arms tighten around me pulling me closer to him. I embraced it, tightening my arms around him as well.

I exhaled contently. I wanted to know what would happen now, if we'd be together now. There was always some sort of complication when I was with Jack, and that complication was always Cal (or a sinking ship, I suppose). Jack hadn't been bothered by that when Cal was only my fiancé, but I wondered if things were different now that we were married. "Jack," I began, swallowing hard. "Does it bother you… that we're doing this and I'm still married to Cal?"

Jack sighed, looking down at me. I looked back up at him, nervous to hear his answer. "I wish you weren't married, for both of our sakes, but… I'm not gonna let it stand in our way." He looked at me and smiled. "D-Does it bother you at all?" His look was nervous, nervous that I would say this was a mistake.

"No," I said quietly, looking up at him. "And I wish I wasn't married to Cal too, believe me." I buried my head further into his chest, and I felt Jack start to play with my curls. I turned my head back so I could see him.

Jack leaned down, giving me a lingering kiss. His hand stroked my cheek as he pulled away, then looked at me and smiled. This night had been so wonderful, I wanted it to continue. "I have to sneak back into my room," I whispered. "I can't have Mia wake up and find me not there, or worse, find us naked in bed together."

We both laughed as we shared one more kiss. I stood up, wrapping the sheet around me and putting my dress back on. Jack slid on his pants and walked over to me, standing right in front of me. He reached out and took my hands in his. "Tonight was…" he paused emotionally, words failing him, I believe. "It was absolutely perfect." I blushed, looking away from him. He touched my chin, lifting it so I would look at him. He leaned forward, giving me another kiss. While his lips were still within an inch of mine, he whispered, "I love you."

I smiled, looking up at him. "I love you too," I whispered, pulling myself on my tiptoes and kissing him again. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I was so tempted to just jump into his arms and do it all again. I pulled away reluctantly, looking into his eyes, down at his lips, then back at his eyes again. "We really can't do this now," I whispered sadly.

Jack nodded. "I know," he whispered, kissing me lightly once again. "I'll see you in the morning." He pulled me closer one more time, giving me one last kiss for the night. "Good night."

I smiled, starting to walk away, yet still holding his hand. "Good night," I whispered, and I let his fingers slip through mine. I waved one more time before sneaking into my room. I closed the creaky door behind me. I quickly changed into a nightgown and climbed into bed next to Mia. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at her. That sweet, innocent, beautiful little girl had no idea what happened tonight, what incredibly rare and beautiful thing happened. I was filled with nothing but elation and unbridled joy. I couldn't sleep now, I knew that for sure.

Jack and I would be together now, in love, the way we always wished we could be. Perhaps it was better this way, I thought to myself, even with the eight year delay and Cal still in our way. This way, I could have Jack and Mia both. Any other way, I wouldn't be able to.

I wondered how I would tell her about this. I would tell her, of course; I didn't want to hide it from her. I wanted her to know that I was finally happy, and I didn't want to have to hide my love for him. I wanted to be able to give him a kiss, to sit next to him, to hold his hand. Most importantly, I wanted, for once in my life, to give Mia a good example of what love is. So far, she had the disastrous Cal and me, and Nathan and Elizabeth.

All of a sudden, I felt Mia start to squirm in my arms. She opened her bright blue eyes and looked right at me. "Mommy?" She rubbed her eyes with her hand in a fist, the way she had even when she was a baby. "Why are you up?"

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close to me. I tucked one of her curls under her ear and smiled. "I can't sleep," I whispered, kissing her cheek. "I'm sorry if I woke you." I leaned down and kissed her cheek. She had been right when she said that I loved Jack. She knew from the very first day that I loved Jack, even before Jack and I had admitted it to ourselves. "Go back to sleep."

"Where were you?" Mia asked, looking right at me. I hadn't prepared to discuss this with her yet, and I didn't know what I would say. "You just came to bed. It's already almost morning!"

I smiled. Of course Mia knew I was gone, she was too smart not to. I didn't want to lie to her. "I was with Jack," I told her. I looked at her, deciding in that moment to tell her everything. "Do you remember what you said when we first arrived? You said that I loved Jack." I looked at her and smiled. "Turns out you were right."

Mia smiled. "I know," she whispered. "You really love him." She let out a little giggle. How was it possible that children always saw the truth in everything, no matter what? I didn't understand how Mia knew all of this before I did. She sees things in a simpler way, I suppose, without the complications and hidden emotions and troubled pasts.

"Yes," I smiled. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I do."

•••

November 27, 1920

Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin

I woke up a few hours later to find the sun pouring into the room. I squinted, opening my eyes to find Mia not there. I walked downstairs to find Jack in the large chair, sipping coffee and reading the paper, as I did every morning. He seemed like an early riser, the type to wake up at six o'clock, pick up the newspaper, make coffee and breakfast, bring in firewood, and make a fire. He was more of a woodsy man than I had realized before, though I suppose I hardly knew him.

I knew so much about Jack now, practically everything. It seemed like I knew everything about him now, from the way he would read the headlines of the article aloud, to the way he took my hand and stroked it with his thumb. I was grateful to have time to take things slower than we had last time, to get to know each other as adults on dry land instead of on a doomed ship.

I smiled at him as I continued down the stairs. Mia was laying on the couch asleep, covered by a blanket. She was on her side, one of her hands under her head, her curls spread around the pillow. I turned back to Jack as I reached the bottom of the stairs, and he was smiling at me. "Good morning," I whispered, as he pulled me closer and gave me a kiss.

"Good morning," he whispered, wrapping his arms around my waist. I leaned down and gave him another kiss, then turned over my shoulder to check that Mia was asleep. "Your daughter is the only person I've ever seen who wakes up, gets out of bed, and then falls asleep again on the couch five minutes later."

I smiled and laughed. "She's always been that way," I told him. I sat next to him on the chair, partly on his lap and partly on the arm of the chair. His arm wrapped around my waist as he kissed my temple. "She would wake up, I would get her dressed for the day, and then she would fall asleep in my bed again while I was getting dressed." I smiled, remembering that little girl sprawled across my bed.

I leaned my head against Jack's shoulder. "Do you miss that life at all?" The question was so earnest, I could tell he was worried about the answer. "You can tell me the truth," he said after a moment. "It's okay, I promise. I can see the nostalgia in your eyes."

"Not at all," I smiled. "The nostalgia you're seeing is from remembering Mia as a baby or a toddler. I miss those days. But that life? I don't miss anything about it. I don't miss the fear and anxiety I felt all the time, I don't miss the endless galas where I had to hold Cal's arm while I hated him with every fiber of my being, I don't miss being forced to leave Mia with nannies for an entire day sometimes, and most of all, I don't miss seeing the utter fear in Mia's eyes when she saw Cal." I realized then that Jack had no idea what he had given me, and what he had given Mia. "Jack… you don't realize… before we came here, Mia hardly spoke around anyone but me, she was afraid of everyone, really, and she was constantly emotionally hurt." I looked at her as she slept. "You've made her feel comfortable, happy, loved, in a way that Cal never had. Do you realize how much that means to her, to me?"

Jack smiled at me, and I could tell that my words had made an impression on him. I could see that he had become emotional; he was at a loss for words. "I- Rose…" he looked at Mia, then back at me. "She's perfect, you know? She's just so sweet and kind and… look, I know you were probably worried about 'forcing' me to take care of her, but I really love her, Rose."

My heart melted as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "She loves you too," I whispered, leaning forward and giving him a kiss. My lips were still near his when I whispered, "As do I." We kissed one, two, three more times before I leaned against his chest and felt his lips on the top of my head. "I realized in the middle of the night that Molly's expecting us, and I never called her. I need to call her today, but I can't go anywhere."

Jack nodded. "If you want to do it now, there's a phone in the kitchen," he offered. I turned back to Mia, who was still fast asleep on the couch. "Don't worry," he smiled. "I've got her. I'll watch her."

"Thank you," I whispered. I kissed him again, going upstairs quietly. I entered the kitchen and sat down in the chair, taking a deep breath before picking up the phone. I dialed the number, spoke to the maid, and finally got connected to Molly.

"Hello?" I smiled at the sound of her voice, then was filled with anxiety. She had promised to take Mia for me, and I changed the plan without informing her.

"Hello, Molly," I said finally, shoving my emotions deep inside. We went through the introductions, and she finally asked why I was calling. "I'm calling from Chippewa Falls. Mia and I were on our way to you, when suddenly we ran into Jack... He's alive, Molly. He's here, and he's offered to take care of us."

"Ah," Molly chuckled. I couldn't tell what she was thinking. I hoped she wouldn't mind that I was staying here, especially since it meant that I could stay with Mia. "Well, you're gonna stay with him, aren't you?" She asked, and I smiled. Of course Molly knew that I was staying here. "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am." I put my head in my hands and started to cry, I didn't even know why I was upset. I suppose all of my emotions caught up with me at once, causing this breakdown. "Jack has a beautiful house here, plenty of indoor and outdoor space. So Mia and I can stay here with no one knowing about us for…" I realized at this moment that we had no plan for the future. For all I knew, Mia and I would have to spend the rest of her childhood here, unable to leave, unless Cal found us first. "I actually don't know how this'll work anymore. Molly, how long can we stay here without going anywhere? Without Mia going to any kind of school, without her making any friends, not to mention Jack has to keep this enormous secret. I just… I don't know."

Molly sighed. "I don't know what other option you have here, Rose," she began. "You can't get a divorce, because Cal will get custody of Mia. I think it's better to be there, trapped with Mia, than for you both to be trapped separately. I… I don't know. Let me give it some thought."

I shut my eyes. "Thank you, Molly." I hung up the phone and put my head in my hands. I was lost. I was in over my head once again, with no idea what to do. Only this time, I wasn't alone: I had Jack. I snuck back into the living room, where Jack was in the same position I left him in. I took his hand, looking at him absentmindedly. "I need to talk to you," I said quietly. I turned back to Mia, who was still asleep. "Can we go somewhere else?"

Jack nodded, and we walked together back to the kitchen table. He poured us both coffees, placing one in front of me. "Alright, talk to me," he began. "What's going on?" The concern was clear in his eyes, and it made me feel good and awful simultaneously that I was the cause of that concern.

"I… I'm just realizing now that this plan… we didn't really think it over, Jack," I ran my index finger around the rim of the cup nervously. "How long can we keep this up?" I looked at him now. "How long can I keep her trapped? Keep you tied down, keeping this enormous secret for us? Either we're going to go crazy, or we're going to be found. One or the other."

Jack knit his eyebrows. "So… what are you saying?"

I took a deep breath and took his hand. "I'm saying…" I paused, gathering my thoughts. "I'm saying… we need to really figure this out."