I watched as each of my shield-siblings joined us in the hall, along with the faces that had been part of the Companions for as long as any of them could remember. We were a far cry from Ysgramor and his 500, with only eight of us being active guild members. Our numbers dwindled and diminished over the centuries. The war took away from potential recruits, most adventurous lads and lasses focusing their efforts on the continuous turmoil. With the threat looming over us again, I worried those numbers would whittle down once more.
The tension in the air was thick. On one side of the mead hall were the whelps, and on the other side, the Circle and me. I tried to gage their expressions to see if they knew something was amiss. Ria nodded at me, an acknowledgment of my presence, but no more than that, which stung. Athis' eyes were still heavy with sleep, and I didn't like waking him up so soon after he received healing. Meanwhile, Njada and Torvar were perplexed, both of them asking a dozen questions.
"Thank you all for meeting at such short notice. Especially you, Athis," I said, nodding at the Dunmer. "I won't let this drag on for too long, but I thought you would want to know who is responsible for your injury."
"You received information so soon?" Athis asked, alert.
"Yes. He's a shifter."
"A shifter?" Athis asked, his forehead creasing. "What does a child of Hircine want with me?"
"It's not what he wants with you. It's what he wants with all of us."
A palatable anxiety crackled in the air, much like the day we acknowledged Kodlak didn't have much time left on the Nirn. We all pulled together for the old man, bonded and bound through our grief. I was about to undo everything the old man strove for with a few simple words. Once I fractured those bonds, there was no turning back.
"A couple of hundred years ago, one of my predecessors struck a deal with the Glenmoril Witch Coven. The witches would grant the Companions great power if they agreed to hunt in Lord Hircine's name. Although the Companions assumed it was temporary, it turned out to be long lasting. Those who were invited to join the Circle took on the blood. That includes the members you see today," I explained.
Those words hung in the air, thicker than tar. I watched the looks on Ria and Athis' face as they pieced things together about our history. The puzzlement and shock would subside soon enough, replaced with anger. Njada didn't seem so fazed as she sipped on some wine. It was almost as though she was expecting it. Meanwhile, Torvar's face paled.
"Kodlak too?" Torvar stammered out.
I nodded. "Kodlak too. The Companions lived with this secret for years, undisturbed, until it came to the attention of a group of werewolf hunters known as the Silver Hand."
"But if it was such a well-kept secret, how did these hunters figure it out?" Athis asked.
The Circle tensed at his question. I flashed Athis a sad smile and said, "We remain unsure. This predates my entry into the Circle."
"Aye. We could never extract the information from the hunters. They were secretive," Vilkas added, and Farkas nodded.
"So what you're telling us is that you think these hunters are back," Njada concluded.
"No. It's not the Silver Hand. It's worse."
That was the part I dreaded the most. The Circle's history was something that I partook in. I perpetuated the cycle of the beast blood, but I wasn't its originator, not the way I was with Hircine's curse. Farkas laid a hand on my shoulder. His touch was comforting once, and it used to give me courage when I had none. It didn't at that moment. He couldn't brace me from their anger, nothing could.
"Hircine cursed me when I killed the shifter in Falkreath. I refused his blessing, and he didn't take to my actions. He said my pack and I would suffer great losses. We did. Those were dark times. When I became Harbinger, I sought to end the curse that plagued us for generations, as per Kodlak's last wishes. I thought I ended the Companions' bond to Hircine, and that I severed my own connection with the Daedric prince."
"I assume it didn't work, did it?" Athis asked.
"It didn't. Along our way back from Rorikstead, Vilkas and I encountered the Daedric Prince in his stag form, and he reminded me my curse was unbroken. He's sent his children after me."
"Wait. We're not shifters, though. So how does this involve us?" Njada demanded.
I eyed my shield-siblings with intent. "Even though most of the Circle are no longer shifters, it doesn't take away I still have a pack. Each of you are bound to me as shield-siblings. Your life is in danger. All of our lives are. You all need to be aware of this so you can defend yourselves. I'm sorry the shifter caught you unawares, Athis. That's a mistake I don't intend on having happen again."
Athis' eyes were dark. "Once was already enough."
Between Torvar's pallid complexion and Njada's scorn, I knew they sided with Athis. It wasn't their reactions that hurt the most. Ria remained silent the entire time, her face turning redder than a flame. She was bursting, waiting to explode. It was only a matter of time, and when it was, I would deserve her rage.
That wasn't all there was to this meeting. There was one other issue; one that I avoided since the moment I walked away from High Hrothgar over a year ago.
"I haven't just failed you as Harbinger. I've failed you as Dragonborn. The dragons are back. It's the first time I've seen one in months. I… I should have known better than to think that just because they disappeared, it didn't mean it was permanent. So I now have to contend with that."
Farkas and Aela turned to me in surprise; with the headrush that Athis' injury caused, neither Vilkas nor I considered telling them about Rorikstead. I almost forgot too. While the revelation stunned them, I had to face the disappointed faces of my other shield-siblings. They expected something else from me, something I had no right to deny them.
"I wish I had the words…" I started, and a lump formed in my throat. This was too difficult. Kodlak would want you to press on and admit your mistakes.
I tried again. "I wish I had the words to express how ashamed I am. I ran away from my duty as Dovahkiin, and I brought this danger onto us. And… and I ask for your forgiveness. If you can find it within yourselves. If you can't, I will not force the matter, neither will I force you to stay. I adhere to Kodlak's rule—every person is their own. If you stay, I will prove myself worthy of your trust. We will," I said, motioning to the Circle. "The Companions have faced difficult times, yet we always remain united. We need to move forward together."
That was what Kodlak would want me to say, and it was what I believed in. We needed to remain a united front. Our honesty was a risk, but it would do the Circle no good continuing with our shield-siblings unaware of the dangers that threatened us. I expected their anger, and I braced myself for it. It didn't hurt any less when I got it.
"Did anyone else know they were shifters?" Ria asked. Her voice was soft, but underneath it burned an undeniable rage.
"We did, lass," Vignar answered, nodding to Eorlund, who nodded.
"And so did I," Tilma admitted. "That's what happens when you serve the Companions for generations."
"That doesn't mean we took the blood. Such things are not befitting of a true Nord," Eorlund added.
"And yet they did!" Ria snapped, all the while her eyes met mine. "They've been hiding this from us for, what, years? Eorlund's right—no real Nord follows Hircine! No Companion should get involved with a Daedric Prince, yet alone Hircine, and here we are! You pissed on Ysgramor's legacy."
"Oh? Is that so?" Aela growled. "What do you know about the hunt, sister? Tell me, after all the time I trained you, you think there's no honor in the hunt?"
"There's no honor in selling yourself to a Daedric Prince for more power! That's not who the Companions are—at least, that's not who I took you for."
The disappointment on Ria's face was immeasurable. Aela scoffed at Ria's outburst. I shook my head. Aela wasn't like the rest of the Circle, choosing to keep the beast blood. The hunt was in her blood, and there was no amount of talking that would convince her to get rid of it. I couldn't force it on her; that wasn't my job as Harbinger. Still, accusing Aela of being less of a Companion because of the blood was unfair.
"Sister, Aela is a true Companion, through and through, beast blood or not," I said. "You have all the right to be angry, but you will not question her honor."
"Then I'll question yours!" she snapped.
Ria walked up to me, getting right in my face. It was the first time I ever saw her tremble from rage, and I didn't like it. I wished I could be gentle while I soothed her; however, treating her with kid gloves was a dangerous thing. The last thing I wanted to do was provoke her any further. I also deserved it. No matter how angry she was at the other Companions and the Circle, none of them were me. I was her closest friend, yet I withheld information from her.
"I thought if I would trust anyone to be the Dragonborn, it was you! Now… now I'm not so sure. You failed us. You failed all of us."
The tears streamed down her face. They sprang to my eyes too, but I blinked them away. This was criticism that I merited. Njada was the one who tried getting her to sit down again. Ria swatted her hand away. The worst had yet to spill forward from her lips.
"Ria… I'm so sorry…" I started.
"Sorry is what you should have said months ago!" she shrieked. "Sorry is when I asked if you were hiding something from me, or when I asked if you were being honest! Or when you didn't bother fucking listening to me when I told you what I felt about you being in the Circle!"
Not for the first time that day, the others were confused, and only I knew her meaning. She wasn't entirely wrong. Despite her being so close to me, there was a chasm between us, a chasm I created months ago with my secrets and lies. When she came to me, heart open and willing to talk, I… was less than honest. She knew, and didn't call me out, and so we were civil. The coldness and the distance caught up to us, making itself obvious in that instance.
"What else are you hiding from us, Anyaie?" Ria demanded.
"Nothing."
"Really? Or are we going to find out in another couple of weeks that you were lying about something else? You might as well speak now, get it out of your system."
"The Harbinger spoke the truth. Now we need to find a way to move forward," Aela said, her voice firm.
"That's so godsdamned easy for you to say!" Ria snapped and turned to look at our shield-siblings. "We've been fed lie upon lie and…"
"Some of those lies were for your own protection," Vilkas cut in and eyed the whelps. "The blood is a dangerous thing, whether you have it or not."
"So were we all not good enough for the blood?" Athis demanded.
"Good enough? You're hearing of the problems we encountered with the blood and you wonder if you were not good enough?"
"It's a question of principle. Why is it that the Harbinger, who was newer than us, received a Circle invite before any of us did?"
"I have a complicated relationship with the blood. It doesn't count," I said.
"However true that is, the fact is that the blood could have given us an advantage over these children of Hircine!" Athis said.
"Wait, you want the blood?" Torvar sputtered out, and I swore he was turning an awful shade of green.
"Maybe I do. Maybe if we had the blood, we would be better able to deal with this threat."
"It isn't that easy. The blood does things to you. It doesn't make you think clearly. You think you can handle it until you can't," VIlkas said.
Farkas approached Athis, good-natured as he ever was. He trained the Dunmer, sparred with him, and was even his shield-sibling when it came time for his trial. I tried taking on most of the blame for everything, but seeing the kindest of my shield-siblings on the receiving end of Athis' ire reminded me I couldn't shield them from everything. It pained me seeing my shield-siblings torn apart.
"You're angry. I get it. It doesn't mean the blood is the answer. It's not what Kodlak wanted, and it's not what Anyaie wants."
"Kodlak is dead, you oaf."
"Anyaie isn't."
"She still failed us. Just because you want to fuck her, it doesn't take away we're in this situation because of her." Athis sneered.
The tension in the hall exploded as Farkas swung his fist at Athis' face. The Dunmer staggered backwards and landed on his back. I hoped that would be the end of it—we couldn't fight amongst ourselves. And I don't want Farkas' feelings used against him, or me. I tried calling out to Farkas, hoping that would calm him down. Farkas pinned Athis down before he had the chance to get up. I had to put an end to this, or else it was going to get uglier than it was.
"Farkas! Enough! I'll use my Thu'um on both of you!" I threatened.
He didn't listen to me, and he balled his fist, ready to take another shot at Athis. Godsdamn it, if I must.
"Liz slen nus!" I shouted.
An icy wind tore through Jorrvaskr, and the ice swirled around my brawling shield-siblings. Everyone covered their faces, shielding themselves from the shards of ice that followed. When we opened our eyes, Farkas and Athis were encased in ice. The others faced me, stunned into silence. I regretted using my Thu'um like that. It would give me an opportunity to say my piece.
"We can't let this keep happening," I said, pointing to Athis and Farkas' frozen bodies. "You all have the right to be upset, but we need to remain united."
"The Harbinger is right. We are all shield-siblings. No matter what mistakes we have committed, we made a vow to stand by each other," Vilkas added.
"Shield-siblings need to trust each other. The Harbinger might not have wanted to hurt anyone. The problem is, good intentions aren't enough. All of our lives are at stake now. How can I call her my Harbinger if I don't trust her, yet alone as a shield-sister? And if I don't trust her, why is she worth fighting for?" Njada asked.
It was a fair question, and one that I had no suitable answer for.
"What about your other shield-siblings? Would you walk away from them?" Aela asked.
"No. I will stay for them, but I'm not a liar, so I'll tell you all straight—my faith in our Harbinger is shaken. I thought she was honorable too, just like Ria did. Just like we all did."
Silence fell over the hall as everyone waited for me to speak. There was nothing I could say to make this better. In a few minutes, I had unraveled all the work and effort I had taken to bring us together, to make myself a part of this group. Ria seethed, not adding to Njada's comments.
Before I could answer, I heard Farkas and Athis groaning. Glad for the distraction, I tended to them, melting away the rest of the ice with the warmth from a simple flame spell. Farkas' fury was replaced with shame, and he walked away from Athis. The Dunmer pressed a hand to his bruised cheek, wincing at the pain.
"So hold on… what does that mean for the blood?" Torvar demanded. "We can't forget that! We're here because of it. I don't fuck with Daedra, and I'm not gonna go turn myself into some hairy fucker of Hircine to stay here!"
"You won't have to do any such thing," I said, and glared at Athis for putting the idea in his head.
"And how are you so sure we'll listen?" Athis challenged. This was crossing into dangerous territory. If the elf continued along this path, he wouldn't like the words that came out of my mouth next.
"The blood will drive us further apart. I forbid anyone from taking it."
"You can't order us and you know it. Just because you were cowardly with the blood, doesn't mean that the rest of us are."
Ice dripped through my veins. Athis' words were those of a callow whelp. He couldn't understand the way the blood called to you, bent you, and forced you to its will, all the while keeping its enchanting grip on all your senses. You could control it all you wanted, but it had a holder tighter than a Hagraven did with her lair. Hircine's blood beckoned us as the war drum did during battle. You couldn't ignore it, and when you succumbed to it… no, he wouldn't get it. He didn't know what he was fooling with.
"You dare call me a coward for how I acted with the blood?" I growled.
"He's saying what we all have on our minds," Ria snapped. "I don't get the blood thing, but running away from the dragons? That's what a coward does. You're not worthy of being Harbinger, or Dragonborn."
It didn't matter that those words were the truth, they stung. They stung more than anything else she could have said. I remained even-tempered throughout our discussions. Now it hurt. My composure vanished.
"Neither of you should judge me when you weren't deemed good enough to get into the Circle," I growled.
Their faces both became redder than the flames at a forge. I hit a nerve, which I intended. It felt good getting under their skins. I didn't expect there would be any truth to those words—their faces told me otherwise. The truth sank like lead right to my stomach, and the truth set in. If it was true, then I wondered how much resentment they harbored towards me. Did I ever unify the Companions?
"Stop it," Vilkas said. "We're all letting our tempers flare and it's not doing us any good, especially you, Harbinger. We need to figure out how to move forward."
"You would be wise to listen to the Circle," Vignar said, unimpressed at our behavior. "All of you. Hurt feelings will only get you so far. Manbeasts are not the stealthiest lot, yet one attacked you in broad daylight, undetected."
"Did you have a chance to look at his armor?" Eorlund asked me.
"Only for a moment. You're also convinced that there were enchantments on it, don't you?" I asked, and Eorlund nodded. The old man trained me well.
"These are not some mangy beasts. They are trained and armed. Not only that, but there are dragons on the loose. Do you understand what I'm telling you? You have bigger issues instead of who wants to fuck who," Eorlund warned, and Athis flushed in shame.
"Well said, brother. You are not a group of children. You are Skyrim's finest warriors. Skyrim needs you now more than ever, and the Dragonborn needs you by her side. You can't do that if you're not alive. So you will learn to put your anger aside until you can make peace," Vignar concluded.
"What if we can't do that?" Torvar squeaked.
"You will yourself to do it," Tilma said, her voice gentle. "I've been in this hall for many years, my boy. I've seen shield-siblings kill each other in cold blood over more trivial matters than this. Now is not the time to let resentments cloud our judgments. These are exceptional times, and you are all exceptional. Find it in yourselves to come together."
"How can I do that, Tilma?" Ria asked, her voice shaky.
Tilma gave her a sweet smile. "You'll find it in yourself when the time comes. Do not let this anger fester. Stay united."
"The Gray-Manes and Tilma are right," I admitted, the shame creeping up as I reflected on my outburst. "The tensions are running high now, and I've done nothing to help that. That is what Hircine wants from us. I can't stop you from feeling betrayed, or scared, or angered, and I don't want to. What we've told you today is no small matter. But we need a way forward if we're going to fight the shifters."
"What do you have in mind?" Farkas asked.
I didn't know what to do about the shifters, though I knew one thing for certain—I would not let anyone come with me to High Hrothgar, and none of them were fighting dragons. This was something I had to do alone. I already sicced Hircine's children on them, they didn't need to fight another one of my battles. They didn't need to know that yet.
"You are not to provoke the shifters or go chasing after them," I said, making sure that Aela heard those words.
"So you expect us to stand here and wait until they attack us again?" Njada asked.
"I don't like waiting around either. Seems weak," Farkas agreed.
"We're already so few, Farkas. We can't afford to be reckless. If we are going to tackle Hircine, we need to be smart. This is a bloody enough feud without provoking their wrath. We aren't equipped to fight werewolves, except Aela because she is one. And before any of you get any ideas, I meant what I said—the blood is not a solution. Arming ourselves is."
"If I can get you all silver weapons and armor within the next couple of days, will that ease your worries?" Eorlund asked.
"Yes. It would. Once we have that, we can come up with a more sufficient plan of attack. Unless you have a pressing job, stay around Jorrvaskr, for now. The Circle and I will take that time to educate you more on the blood, and the best ways of defeating a shifter."
"I don't think… I don't… I don't feel well," Torvar complained.
We all watched as Torvar left the mead hall for the living quarters. I flashed Athis a look and much to my surprise, he nodded and trailed after him. It was a glimmer of hope that we could still pull together despite our difficulties. I reminded myself that I would check on him later.
"And the matter of dragons?" Vilkas asked.
"I'll make sure the Harbinger has the first silver weapons available to her. As soon as she's ready, she can go to High Hrothgar," Eorlund said.
"I won't let you do the work alone. I'll help you at the forge. Between the two of us, it will go quicker. Then I'll see the Greybeards," I said.
"So while you're off saving the world, we have to take on your battle?" Njada asked.
A harsh laugh escaped my lips. "Trust me, sister. I suspect Hircine's pawns will make themselves known sooner than later. They'll come for me too, no matter where I am."
"You can't be travelling alone. I'll come with you," Farkas offered.
It was noble of Farkas; however, it wasn't an option anymore. I needed him at Jorrvaskr, not following me as I figured out the dragon problem. This was my responsibility. Meanwhile, Vilkas flashed me a look. Is that disappointment? I figured he would be glad to be back at Jorrvaskr, so why was it he didn't seem happy with the offer?
"Now is not the time to discuss that. Before we tackle that, I want to make sure Torvar is okay. For the rest of you, stay vigilant. Eorlund, as soon as I'm done with Torvar, I'll come see you at the forge. Then, Farkas, the Circle and I can discuss leadership and guidance while I visit the Greybeards."
Farkas nodded, but I could tell that he wasn't happy with the decision.
The exhaustion set in. It didn't seem like Ria and Njada had it in them to discuss the matter any further, so we dispersed. Njada went to the yard, probably to channel her frustrations into her training. Before I went to the whelps' quarters, Ria gave me a parting glance. My heart ached. I was cruel earlier, and I wanted to apologize to her. She never gave me the chance, instead choosing to join Njada in the yard. I wasn't sure if I could make any of this right.
When I made it to the whelp quarters, I found Athis lingering at the threshold. He grimaced at me and gestured towards the room. The welt on his cheek was nasty, turning black against his dusky blue skin. His accusation wasn't lost on me, and if Farkas hadn't reacted, I would have. Wherever we stood, it wasn't a pleasant place.
"How is he?" I asked.
"A mess. He won't stop going on about how he needs a drink. I can't get him to talk. After today, you won't be a welcome presence either."
"I have to try. It's the least I can do for him."
Athis scowled at me. The trust between us was severed. Not that I blamed him—if it hadn't been for Hircine's curse, the shifter wouldn't have gone after him. The injury and discovering the Circle hid something was a lot to process at once.
"Very well. Go see him if you must."
I wanted to say something to make it right. He wasn't wrong when he called me a coward, and I should have been more patient. Maybe if I hadn't let my temper get the best of me, I could have explained the blood. If there was ever that chance, it vanished. My shield-brother's stony expression confirmed it.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Sorry isn't good enough. I expected better of you, Anyaie. We all did."
Athis walked away, leaving me with a heavy heart as I entered the whelp's quarters. Torvar was curled up on his side in bed, muttering something underneath his breath. His body shook. I wanted to put a hand on him to comfort him, but Athis was right; I didn't know how welcomed that would be, especially if he was in this state.
"Torvar. It's me," I called out.
"No! Go away!"
"Torvar, listen. You're safe."
"How can I be safe when Hircine cursed you? I heard what you said, about us being your pack and…"
"You're safe right now. You're at Jorrvaskr. The threat passed," I interrupted.
"That doesn't mean it'll stop, or it won't happen again, or…"
"I know," I said, keeping my voice gentle. "Which is why we're going to deal with this, together."
Torvar turned to face me. His eyes were wide with fright, as if he had seen a ghost walking through the halls. Some old memory haunted him. Whatever was bothering him, I had to coax it out of him. If I pushed him too hard, he would break, so I needed to proceed with caution.
"I need a drink," he said.
"The last thing you need is a drink."
"It'll numb out the pain."
That was something I understood too well — the need to drown out your feelings when you're not in control. It was an act of self-preservation, pure survival. It didn't make it any healthier in the long run. So I did what I would hate anyone doing if I were in his position.
"You're not drinking through this. How long have you tempered your drinking?" I asked.
"Uh… well… when Kodlak died, so over three months?"
"You've worked so hard at that. Don't risk it now."
He shook his head and pointed to underneath the bed. I sighed and reached, finding a full bottle of ale, a backup in case he needed it. I never understood what tormented Torvar. He couldn't be much older than Erik in Rorikstead, yet it looked like he had seen more throughout his life. He always mentioned a man of his station had many debts, yet he never elaborated. Neither of us cared to ask, and the realization made me feel worse. How could I have ever pretended I was a decent Harbinger if I didn't even know my shield-siblings?
"Torvar…"
"I should be stronger. Fuck, I was even ready to toss this shit out, but today… fuck. I just… this shit with Hircine. I don't like it."
Good. He was talking.
He continued. "The twins and Aela, I could see taking the blood. Fuck, even Skjor. But Kodlak? You? I thought you were… I dunno… above that."
"The blood… it's not so simple." It was a shoddy explanation, and it wasn't one I was in the mood to delve into with him.
"Did you ever just think of saying no to it?" he asked.
"Did you ever just think of not drinking?"
He frowned. "You know it ain't that simple."
"Neither is the blood. Trust me, Torvar. It's not. I've struggled with it. We all have."
"Have you?" he demanded. "Do you know what it is to wake up night after night, terrified about seeing the same shit play out in front of your eyes over and over again? And no matter how much you drink, or how much you fuck, or how much you fight, or whatever, it doesn't block it out? And sometimes, the worst part is that you're finally fucking happy, and you feel like you deserve it. And then…" Torvar's voice hitched in his throat and he continued, his voice hoarse, "… and then something pops up, something that reminds you that you can't escape it, that it's always going to be a part of you and… you're back at square one…"
"Yes. I do know," I said.
He didn't answer, so I took a chance on him.
"You probably don't believe me right now. That's okay," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. When he didn't flinch at my touch, I continued. "My experience and yours won't be the same, but they may be similar. If you want to talk about it, you can come to me. You're not alone. I meant what I told you after Kodlak died. You have a place here. You always will."
Torvar looked up at me, as if he wanted to trust what I was telling him.
"I don't know. This place. It used to be a safe place for me. And now…" his voice trailed off, and I heard him choke back a sob.
It reminded me of how young he was, and of how much potential he had too. We all joked at least once that we didn't understand how he passed his trial. That was a lie—he would have never made it as far as he did if he didn't have something that kept him going. I hoped he remembered that.
"I'll do what I can to make Jorrvaskr safe again," I promised.
"How?"
"We'll find a way. The first step is to make sure we're armed. That's half of the battle. Speaking of, I need to see Eorlund. I can't let the old man do it alone. If you need me, will you come find me?"
He nodded, though I suspected he wouldn't take me up on my offer. I left the whelp's quarters unsure if I comforted him at all. Even though it didn't feel like enough, it was the best I could do. Maybe he would come to trust me again with time. When that day came, I hoped he was comfortable enough to open up to me.
...
It had been a long time since I worked at the forge with Eorlund. Although Alvor taught me the basics of smithing, Eorlund was the one who pushed my skill to the next level. There was a time I considered becoming his apprentice too. Smithing was something that required all of your concentration. It cleared my mind, something I needed after the events of the last couple of days. Silver daggers were also simple, almost like making iron daggers. A small smirk came on my face as I remembered the dozens of failed daggers I made for Alvor. What seemed so difficult once came to me with ease.
"I never thought the day would come where I would have to make silver weapons for the Companions," Eorlund mused, putting the finishing touches on a silver arrow.
"Neither did I. Then again, I was so sure that I stopped the Hircine matter and… no, that's not true. I always doubted It. I ignored that doubt, hoping it would be okay," I admitted.
The blacksmith frowned. "We all did, but Daedra are trickier than anyone realizes. It's why we Gray-Manes never took the blood."
I let out a harsh laugh. "You know, I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if I did what Hircine told me. What if gaining his favor caused fewer issues?"
"There's no sense in dwelling on what could have been. Besides, you don't believe that either."
My lips quirked into a grin. "No, you're right. I don't. I suppose I enjoy being miserable."
Eorlund laughed and slapped me across the back. "That's my miserable lass. I don't know how I did it without your brooding in my forge. I almost considered getting Vilkas to replace you."
"Stop it. I don't brood… much."
"I beg to differ." The old man flashed me a warm smile, a rare sight. "You did good today by being honest. It was the right thing to do, even if it doesn't feel that way right now."
"I lost my temper today, Eorlund. That's not behavior fitting of a Harbinger."
"It's not. However, it might do you good to tell the whelps what you experienced with the blood so they understand your rage. It's like a peace offering."
I shook my head. It took me so long to get over the blood. If I had to tell them about how I acted, it would kill me. If they were already ashamed of my actions, it would worsen if they found out about what I did under the blood's influence. Didn't you finish encouraging Torvar to talk? my conscience asked. Well, Torvar was different. I didn't need to talk about it when it didn't torment me anymore. There were other ways to make peace and recounting my struggles was not one of them.
"I'll take your silence as a no and… okay. You should have a full quiver, so I want you to listen to me," Eorlund said, and I was relieved we could change the subject as he handed me my new arrows. "If what you said about this shifter being so undetectable is true, it means they have a damned good smith and alchemist on their side. The arrows and the silver daggers are your starting point. If there was any time to put your alchemy and enchanting skills to use, lass, this would be it. It's not just the magic. You have to be smarter than them, and stress that when you're talking to the whelps. Make them understand that werewolves acting on a Daedra's will is no joke. We've already lost so many. We can't lose any more."
The Companions, myself included, sometimes took it for granted that the Gray-Manes were an integral part of the Companions. They witnessed the same losses we did and felt them as deeply as we did too. Vignar often bellyached that the Companions squabbled amongst each other. It was less often nowadays, but it came from a good place—I guess. Though the Gray-Manes didn't take the blood, they were as much of a part of this struggle as we all were.
"I'll try my best," I whispered.
"I know you will. There's a reason Kodlak chose you. Remember that."
I gave him a weak smile. I always questioned why Kodlak picked me. I doubted his choice more now than ever. With the dragons and—oh! The dragons.
"One more thing before I go," I said.
"What is it?"
"I have some dragon bone from the dragon Vilkas and I killed in Rorikstead."
"Do you now?" Eorlund asked, and his eyes lit up.
"I do. Is it possible to make armor or weapons out of it?"
"It should be. When you have a chance, give it to me. I'll look at it and see what I can do."
I thanked him and as I left, I heard. "Dragon bone. Huh. Who would have dreamed it?"
...
It was one of the few nights that the mead hall was quiet, unspoken words and accusations lingering between all of us. We all called it an early night, with the Circle and I agreeing to meet in the Underforge. We needed our privacy, and my quarters wouldn't suffice.
Located underneath the Skyforge, the Underforge was where the Circle once met to perform rites to Hircine. Aela stepped ahead of the twins and I, and the hidden door opened to her. The twins and I shared a brief look before following her. We hadn't stepped into the Underforge since we rid ourselves of the blood; only one of Hircine's could access it. It was as I remembered it, though—cold, with an electric current surging through the air. Aela maintained the altar and the basin, and I even noticed a new totem of Hircine that wasn't there months ago.
The door shut behind us, and it was time that we discussed how to move forward. My shield-siblings waited for me to speak. The three of them were tired, and I saw the circles underneath their eyes. Today brought about old memories for all of us, some that we tried to ignore, others that still stung as though they were fresh. In being honest, I put each of them through the ringer.
"Today was difficult, which we expected," I said.
"There was so much you omitted," Vilkas protested. "We're your shield-siblings. You should have shared that burden with us."
"Some tales are best left for another day. We don't want to overwhelm them with information. The betrayal is still new."
"And what does that mean in the meantime?" Aela asked.
"It means we need to act civil. I understand tensions are still running high, and a few of us have said things that we regret, myself included. The most important thing is that they're armed and that they know how to take a shifter down. The rest will fall into place," I said, trying to make it sound like I believed my own words.
"And what happens when you're at High Hrothgar? You're not planning on travelling alone, are you?" Vilkas asked.
"I have to. You will all have to act in my stead. This isn't up for debate. It's an order, and one I'm asking you all to heed."
"That's not wise. These shifters may want to hurt us, but they're after you. You don't think that they won't take advantage of the fact you're alone?" Aela asked.
"We lost one Harbinger. I don't want to lose another," Farkas added, then turned red. "Not because of what Athis said. That's… uh…"
"Not the most important thing," Vilkas cut in, and I heard Farkas let out a sigh of relief. "Farkas has it right. We can't lose another Harbinger. You need one of us to accompany you to High Hrothgar."
"Let me ponder it," I said as a way of deflecting their insistence. "I want to make sure the whelps have some knowledge of shifters before I go. Then we can tackle this again. In the meantime, I want all of you to get some rest."
Of course, none of us would get any rest. This marked a new conflict in our history. There was so much more left to discuss, so many questions that remained unanswered too, but neither of us had the strength to answer them.
We exited the Underforge. Aela and Vilkas already made it into the mead hall, and I was about to make my way back to the Wind District.
"Wait," Farkas called out, grabbing my hand. "There's something I need to talk to you about."
I was sure my smile was as weary as I was. "There will be time to talk, Farkas. I don't have any energy left. I need to be with my girls."
He let go of me and nodded. I couldn't discuss anything else when I was drained. So, I entered Breezehome, both girls tackling me as soon as I walked in. I held onto them, the tears pricking my eyes. We were safe for now, and that was all that mattered.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Reviews are always welcome!