The Demon and his Angel

by Fayewritesherdreams

A Clary and Jonathan fic.10 years ago,Jocelyn saved Jon and brought him home. Jon grew up loved,with Clary by his side. They share a close bond. Jon struggles with his demon side and with his growing unbrotherly feelings towards Clary. Now that they're moving to the New York institute, their relationship will only become more complicated. summary inside. Lemon/Angst/Violence

13. Chapter 13

A/N: Right, this one needs a sex warning. Some more 'horrific' scenes. You've read this far, so by now you should be warned anyway.

Warning, this chapter is a monster in terms of word count. 9,300-ish words - so take your time;) I considered splitting it in half, but I think that it works better as a whole.

Huge cliffhanger coming up as well, I apologise in advance! Don't hate me, please...

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We're on our way back, stumbling through the streets of New York. Well, I am anyway. I am drunk. I smell like a brewery and my brain stopped transmitting to my legs about thirty minutes ago. I'm holding Jace's warm and comforting hand and we quietly make our way back to the institute. I'm too drunk to talk as it is and I am very grateful that Jace just lets me be. He must know how Jon affected me. By the Angel, I wish I could stop thinking about him, never think of him, never, never - I keep repeating to myself.

As we approach the main entrance I jerk to a stop. A shiver runs down my spine. "I'll be right behind you," I tell Jace. "I want to wait for Izzy." It's a valid excuse, she did fall behind with Simon.

"I can stay with you?" Jace asks.

"I need the quiet." I tell him in return and then add, "Just need a minute if that's alright with you?"

He nods, leans forward to kiss me, "You can stay with me tonight if you like?" He asks hopefully.

"Maybe." I tell him.

I turn around and see the shadow emerging from the tree line. My brother looks dark and furious. His light hair stands up in every direction, as if he ran his hand through it repeatedly. It's something he does when he's frustrated or perhaps he had sex with that Alex girl. The thought makes me shudder. I watch him approach me, but I don't say a word. He told me that I don't exist. Repeatedly. If he wants to talk, he has to do it first.

He steps in front of me. His face is set into a stone like expression, if not for the black swirling behind his irises, I would consider him to be made of stone. He stares at me, sees through me, he sees me. All of me. He knows all of me and he hates me, I remind myself. I look right back and we stay like this for what feels like minutes, just staring at one another.

I realise that he will not speak. Fuck him. I turn to move with a shrug, but steel envelopes my arm and yanks me back. "Where are you going?" He hisses at me with such hatred that tears pool in my eyes. I don't want him to see my weakness, so I wipe at them furiously. Where is my brother? This monster behind me is not him. Where is he?

He moves to stand in front of me. I see a crack in his surface. He sees the tears pouring down my cheeks, there are too many to hide. He leans forward and swipes his thumb across my cheek, then moves it towards his lips, his eyes close for a second when he tastes the tear off his thumb. Then both his hands grab the sides of my face and he moves towards me. I can feel his breath against my skin, followed by his tongue on my skin. I close my eyes, trying to desperately preserve this moment of feeling him so close. I never realised how much I needed him, how much I yearned for his closeness until he ripped it away. Suddenly I feel him scooping up my tears with his tongue, licking my cheeks all across and a grunt escapes him. I'm frozen still in this bubble. It's like every flick of his tongue mends a crack in the surface of our relationship. My hands move up to his, where he's holding my cheeks and I lean into him. I want to tell him that I miss him so much. I open my mouth to utter the words, but suddenly the feel of him is gone. I open my eyes. He's gone. Somehow it feels like a final cut. I know it in my gut. I've lost him.

XXX

Another two weeks go by and I don't see Jonathan. I don't think he sleeps here. He's been out. He's been doing assignments and going out patrolling, so I know he's alive. Also, Izzy, has been updating me on his coming and goings and she's also getting worried. Apparently he's been looking ill. He's been snappy with everyone, he has dark circles under his eyes, which have been bloodshot every time she's seen him. Then there is Simon, who saw him hanging around at downworlders spots, with a different girl on his arm every time he spots him. I'm slightly concerned. However, after our last encounter, I don't have the energy to force myself into his life anymore. He will come to me when he's ready.

Alec finds me in the library. I've spent weeks going through the library, reading up on demon nature, but I haven't come across anything helpful. "Clary, Simon is here for you."

"Simon? Why?"

"Don't know. He said he wanted to speak to you."

How odd. "Okay, thanks Alec."

He studies me as if wanting to say something. "Yes?"

Alec seems to hesitate. "It's about Jace."

I look at him expectantly.

" Do you love him?"

He takes me by surprise. "Why do you ask?" I sound defensive not meaning to.

"Yes or no?"

"It's a very personal question, Alec."

"I know it is! It's just. As his parabatai, I'm more in tune with his feelings and he is very fond of you and...I just want to make sure you feel the same. I don't want him to get burned. It's taken him a long time to like someone the way he likes you. I've never seen him this happy, ok?"

I smile at him. He's such a good friend. "Of course I want the best for Jace, too. Don't worry about that Alec. I promise I will look after his heart."

"Okay, Clary. I didn't mean to make things awkward. Great, I'll see you later." With that he disappears and I go to find Simon. Jace and I have been getting closer and I think I might be falling for him. I think of Jace as I make my way to Simon and a smile spreads across my lips. He makes me happy and I really need something uplifting in my life right now. Especially now.

I find Simon walking grooves into the pavement outside the institute. He spots me and stops. Then comes rushing towards me.

"Clary...I wasn't sure whether to tell you. But then I told myself that if you knew something about my sister, something that caused her trouble, then I would want to know, too."

He keeps fidgeting. "What is it Simon?"

He's biting his nails and stalls "Oh for the angel, spit it out Simon."

"Your brother. He...he has been visiting one of Raphael's establishments."

"So? Why would I care?"

"Clary, you're not listening. It's one of those places where you pay in blood. Where people pay for pain and pleasure. It can get addictive. He fidgets some more, "You need to help him before it's too late! Before you lose him for good." I've already lost him.

I want to say no. I want to tell him that I don't care. But Simon wouldn't be here if it wasn't important and I love Jonathan. No matter how much he tries to push me away, I'll always be there for him. With that, my resolve strengthens.

"Alright, lead the way." If Jonathan needs me. If he's in trouble and the way Simon sounds, he is, then I will help him. Even if he still hates me afterwards. Truly, I don't know what he's doing. He says he despises me. He ignores me. Then he randomly eats my tears like no brother should and we have this really weird moment together. But we've always been closer than is normal, haven't we? I've worked hard to push the memory aside. Some line was crossed there. I know it deep inside me. Yet, I never felt closer to him and it felt wonderful and it made me miss him so much more. I want my brother back.

I follow Simon to this establishment, which turns out to be a brothel. Great. Simon could have warned me. We walk through the door and Simon drags me past the receptionist.

"Excuse me! Where do you think you're going? Stop. Stop this instant."

"We're here on Clave business." I say with conviction. "Now if you don't want any trouble, point me towards Jonathan. Now." I growl.

"But he can't be disturbed."

"Now," I say and add, "Or I can take the investigation much more seriously and perhaps peruse those books over there. I can assure you that if I do, I won't be the first or last of my kind to visit you." I wait expectantly and finally she points me towards a door at the back of the hallway. I walk towards the door and kick it in. I don't stop to think or make a plan. I wish I had.

I'm through the door and the scene in front of me unfolds in slow motion. I stop in horror.

I should have asked what I would find. I should have sent Simon in here. Why am I here?

Jonathan is in front of me. Naked. He's kneeling on a huge super king size bed. In front of him is a girl, kneeling on all fours. Her ass is pressed against Jonathan's front, so thankfully I can only see his upper body. I regret the thought instantly, because his exposed upper body is a vision of beauty and terror, all at the same time. His lean, powerful body looks like it's been dragged through a battlefield. His hands are wrapped in the girl's hair, and he's yanking it towards him. Long, wavy and red hair. Oddly, it's almost the same shade as mine.

The girl's expression is a mix of ecstasy and pain. Jon's beautiful body is bruised and marred and covered in blood. Like I said, he looks like he's been through war. Normally, I would run towards him to make sure he's alright, if I didn't see that the girl's back is also covered in blood and too many wounds for me to count. Everything I see in front of me is wanted and self inflicted. The thought makes my stomach churn. The sheets are ripped. Blood. So much blood everywhere. Various weapons and things cover the floor. I notice that the girl's hands are handcuffed behind her back and there's a leather whip next to her on the bed. This makes me think that her wounds were caused by the whip? What have I walked in on? I'm frozen to the spot and I cannot move. That's when Jonathan looks up at me.

"What are you doing here?" He seems unsure for a split second, but then his face regains that practiced uncaring expression of his.

"I came to save you." I feel so stupid. Why am I here?

"Do I look like I need saving?" He smirks and thrusts his hips against the girl. She moans.

Jon leans forward to caress her breasts. I'm sure I'm red as a beet. This is the most embarrassing situation I've ever found myself in. But I can't move. I'm rooted to the spot by the sheer shock of the scene. Never have I seen so much blood and sex in one place. Never have I seen my brother like this!

"Oh don't look so perplexed, Clary. You must know the inner workings by now. Now that you've had sex. How do you like it? Is it all that you hoped it to be?"

I don't answer him.

"You're quiet. Is it because Jace is a bad fuck?" He laughs out loud.

I want to say something. Anything. But I'm too stunned.

He studies me. His gaze freezes me to the spot. Then he starts talking and his voice takes on a velvety alluring quality. "Does Jace touch you? Does he touch you like this?" He slowly moves his hand over the woman's breast and pulls her nipple. She moans even deeper. Why haven't I left yet?

"Does he touch you here?" He pulls her up, so her back connects with his front and slowly starts moving his hand over her sex, never leaving my eyes. He watches me intensely and I cannot leave. I'm caught in his trap. Leave! I implore myself.

"Does he get you moaning like she does?" The girl moans in response and starts to breathe heavier and heavier, as he continues rubbing her there between the legs. I study the girl, her pale freckled skin, her long red treces. If I didn't know any better, she looks a lot like me. What a stupid thought that is?

"Does he play with you Clary?" God why won't he stop? I see him stroking her slowly in between her legs. He sticks one finger into her, followed by another. The girl starts riding his hand and Jonathan still stares at me like there is no one else in the world. As if those fingers weren't fucking the girl right now. I start feeling hot.

"How does he feel, Clary?"

I can't form words.

"Does his cock fill you up like mine fills her?" He removes his hand, bends her over and starts moving against her and still, he's staring at me. What is happening right now? I'm mortified and entranced at the same time.

"Is Jace so passionate with you that he draws blood?" He yanks her head back by her hair, exposing her neck and digs his fingertips into the skin above the girl's clavicles, drawing blood. She cries out in pain and I can see the blood escaping the half moon shaped wounds he's made. I watch the blood running down her pale skin in five separate lines and gathering into one line in her cleavage.

I look up in horror and see him grinning devilishly. Finally I can feel words forming again. My mouth is slowly regaining its muscle function.

"I bet he treats you like a delicate porcelain doll. I bet he struggles to get you wet and moaning. I bet sex with him is fucking boring."

At last my tongue loosens. "What is wrong with you? I came here to help you. I don't know why I bothered. You make me sick. This is sick" I wave at the scene. Jonathan continues to look unperturbed. He just smiles at me and starts to pound the girl faster and faster. He pushes her forward with ease and I see all of him, or as much as is possible. I see his hips outlining her behind and I swallow the dryness that is scorching my throat.

He looks at me expectantly, "Why little sister, did you want to join?"

Finally I get my limbs moving again. I turn around and leave. I run. I forget about Jonathan. I run further and further away. I never want to see him again. I run until my lungs hurt and I can't run anymore. I'm finally so far away from him that I know he can't hurt me. Only then do I fall to my knees and cry. I cry for me. For my brother. For what we've lost and may never get back. It's the demon within him. It's that thing within him doing this to him. My brother would never treat me this way. Like I didn't matter. Like he didn't love me. I think he's lost the battle for good. He's lost to me.

"Clary?" Simon. I don't want anyone to see me like this.

"Leave me alone. Please." I'm still crying and I can't stop. I'm exhausted and I feel like I could sleep for days. I could just curl up here on this corner of the pavement and sleep and once I wake up, I will realise that none of this actually happened. That it was all a nightmare.

"Let me get you back to the institute. Please?"

He picks me up and carries me. I'm so glad. I don't have the energy for anything, let alone walking. "It's ok Clary. You'll be ok. Let me take care of you."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"I don't know. There's something about you. Something that connects us. I can't explain it. Perhaps it's the blood I gave to Magnus for you." He laughs out loud and adds hastily. "I'm joking."

I say nothing. He walks us back and I feel safe. For a small while I let myself think of nothing.

"Jonathan. He's not...he's not a proper Shadowhunter, is he?"

I take in a sharp breath. Oh no. Oh no. He can't know. My heart starts pounding against my chest. "Relax, Clary. I won't say anything. I promise." Simon squeezes me against his chest to impose that promise.

"I heard your exchange, that's all."

I say nothing. What can I say?

.

"Don't worry, Clary. He's not lost. You can still get him back."

Scenes of that room assault me. There's no way. He's too far gone. I look up at Simon, "But how? You saw him. You heard him. He hates me. By the angel, I can never ever un-see that horror show. He's lost to me forever, I'm sure of it."

"No, he isn't. He loves you and he can be saved."

"Not anymore."

"Clary, he does love you! I think he may love you too much!"

I laugh at that. "As if! I keep trying to make up with him. I keep giving him chances, but he's not interested! I think he actually hates me and I don't know why!"

Simon is silent for a while. "Did you see the girl he was with? Didn't she strike you as an odd choice?"

"What do you mean? That she was covered in blood? That they both enjoyed inflicting pain on each other?"

Simon chuckles. "No. Not that. I meant the colour and length of her hair. Her pale freckled skin. Her small frame. Who does she look like, hmm?"

Me. She looks like me. But surely not. I can't share my thoughts. To voice it, is to give it some meaning and I don't know what to make of it.

"You know Clary. Us demons, we don't really love. Instead we feel so very deeply and intensely, often those feelings get mixed up so intricately, we don't really know what it is that we feel at any given moment. Love can turn to hate, to passion, to rage, to desire and back to an all consuming love within seconds. It's why we're known to often mix love with pain with murder...to feel so much and all at once, it can get confusing. Demons feel emotions differently. It's not pure love that we feel and I think in some instances 'love' can easily get confused with 'desire'. And when that desire can't be acted upon? Then it can easily turn into what we just witnessed back there."

I'm stunned. Lost for words. Surely not?! "Simon...are you trying to tell me that my brother has sexual desires towards me?" I laugh out loud at the absurdity of it.

"No. Not your brother, but the demon within him."

"What do you mean demon?"

"Clary, don't act stupid. I can smell it on him. I wasn't sure at first. But I've been observing him. His speed. His power. The way he kills. Now I witnessed that last tidbit earlier, which has confirmed it. So don't belittle my intelligence. I don't know how and why, but a demon resides within him." I want to say something, but he continues, "Clary, calm down. I won't share this with anyone. I am your friend. I promise. I wasn't lying when I said that something connects us. You are important to me. I will protect you."

I sigh and look up at him. "So what do I do, Simon? How do I save him?"

He's quiet for a long while. Then he says quietly "Blood exchange."

I burst out laughing. "Wait, what? Are you insane?"

"Clary, listen. If you want your brother back. You will do a blood exchange with him. You will feed the demon your blood and in return take his. It will quench the desire within him for good or at least until you need to reinforce it."

I ignore that last part. I'm too stunned to understand what he's trying to tell me. "But I have already given him my blood and it hasn't stopped any of it," I point out to him.

"Yes, but have you tasted his blood?"

I look at him in horror. "Are you crazy? Me? Drink his blood?" The thought makes me want to puke.

"Yes, Clary. Yes! It will create a bond between you two and calm his desire completely. Trust me. Often blood exchanges are done between mates. However, in this instance, it will create a bond between two siblings, it won't create a sexual bond, it will merely reinforce the bond that's already established. It will feed the demon and keep him calm and content. It will teach that side of him, that the love he feels is actually pure brotherly love, not sexual desire. It will stop that confusion between the two, you see?"

"And this theory? Is it a tested one?"

Simon laughs. "No. Of course not. But since turning into a vampire, I've had a lot of time on my hands and I've been doing a lot of reading and I think this is the only way. The Shadowhunter within him will balance the exchange out, so will that sibling side. I'm sure this will fix it. It's worth a try, anyway. Here we are." I look up and see the institute.

Simon sets me down and passes me a piece of paper. "What's this?"

He grins. "My mobile number if you ever need me. Remember, we're friends now." He smiles at me warmly and leans forward to kiss my cheek. Then he hugs me fiercely. I know what he's doing. He's giving me energy to do what needs to be done.

"Thank you Simon. I didn't realise you had so much wisdom in you"

"Any time, Clary. I had an unexpected moment of brilliance," he winks at me and then turns to leave.

I watch him walk away and joy fills me at the thought of having such a supporting new and unexpected friend. I have someone now, who I can actually trust and talk to. Someone who understands Jonathan and doesn't judge him for it.

"Clary? What was that?"

Jace. He looks angry. Wait, he must have seen our embrace. Shit. "Simon was just walking me back."

"You two looked cozy."

"Jace, we're just friends." I walk towards him. I can't deal with a jealous boyfriend right now. "Trust me. Ok? Plus, Izzy likes him and I would never do that to her. Let alone to you. I would never cheat on you."

"Ok." I think he trusts me. He grabs my hand and walks me back towards his room.

"I'd like to be alone tonight if that's alright with you. It's been a long day and I'm tired."

I lean towards him and kiss him. "I will see you tomorrow?"

"If that's what you want." I move to leave, but he pulls me back towards him. He looks at me with intent. "I love you, Clary."

I just stare at him. I can't say it back. Not now when I have so much happening with my brother. I can concentrate on love once I know that Jon is safe. So I smile and kiss him deeply instead.

XXX

I've waited for Jace to go to his room before heading to Jonathan's. I knock and enter without waiting for a reply. A part of me hopes that he won't be here. He's not been here, so why would I find him here tonight? Unfortunately, as I enter the room, I can see him lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He turns and looks at me as if to say that he didn't welcome me in. There are dark bruises under his eyes, his skin is pale, his face looks haunted. I take a quick breath. What has happened to him? Between now and a few hours ago? The last time I saw him he seemed so in control of himself. It was a freak show, but he was the master of that scene.

"For fuck's sake Clary. You just don't know when to take a hint? How much more can you take? How much further can I push you, so you will finally leave me the fuck alone?!"

I ignore his cutting words. "'Jon, we need to talk"

He laughs hysterically. "Haven't had enough of hearing how much I hate you? You want me to abuse you some more?"

I can see the self loathing in his face. I think Simon may have been right. Here goes nothing.

"Jonathan, listen. I'm worried. You've not been right for some time now. I know that you're mean to me to push me away. I know that you don't hate me." I pause. God I'm so scared. What if Simon is wrong?

I take a very deep breath. I see Jonathan watching me and I'm so scared to utter the next few words. Courage!

"Jonathan. I know that you want me." I'm calling it a bluff and hoping I won't come out of it looking like an idiot.

Jonathan goes still like a statue. Slowly he turns to me and snickers, "Me? Wanting you? It's the most ridiculous thing you've ever come out with."

"I'm far from ridiculous. Explain to me. Why else would you work so hard to make me hate you? Explain to me, why out of all the girls in the world, you pick a girl to screw, who looks a lot like me? You know long red hair and pale freckled skin." I point at my features. "I'm right, aren't I? You desire me. Sexually." I pause and see him staring at me with utter terror. I need to show him somehow that this is going to be ok, so I try a slightly different strategy. I need to get through to him.

"Jonathan, we've always been so close. I'm your best friend, your sister. If you can't talk to me, if you can't be honest with me, who can you be honest with? This... this thing between us, you acting the way you do and pushing me away. This can't go on, Jon!"

I halt my speech and he just stares at me quietly, so I continue. "Jon, it's ok. I love you. That's one of the reasons I spent all week going through demon books in the library." Obviously I won't tell him who I was talking to, that would just enrage him.

"Great, Clary, so now you think something is wrong with me and you're researching me like an exhibit?!" That shook him out of his stupor. He's now sitting up looking agitated. So I move towards him. I get down on my knees in front of him, but he won't look at me, he's upset.

"Jon, it's not that. Look at me, please look at me." I move my hand towards his cheek. I've missed him so much. Whatever this is, I will help him get through it.

Slowly he turns his eyes towards me, they are pitch black. He's still angry. "Jon, listen to me. I did read up on demons, but only because I'm worried about you and I needed to do something, to find a way to help you. It hurts me seeing you like this, struggling. I hate that you are pushing me away, when only I can help you."

He stares at me with utter disbelief. "Listen, I found this bit on the blood exchange ritual between mates and..."

"Fuck Clary, I'm not like this because I don't have a mate!" He growls at me.

He looks like he's about to get up and leave, so I grab his arm. "No stay. I'm going to get this out whether you like it or not!" I raise my voice at him.

Thankfully he stays, so I rush out my next words. "I know that, but I also read that the blood exchange for demons is important to keep the mind at bay, you know, not to have a psychotic break and it will make you calm or at least it will placate the demon within you. You can't let him control you like this. What I witnessed earlier, it's not right." I stumble over the last words and Jon silently continues to stare at me, but now I can add pain to that mix of emotions he's showing. I've upset him.

I quickly add, "So I want you to take mine. It has to be me, because your demon side is confused. He doesn't understand the difference between brotherly love and desire. Doing the blood exchange, it will help the demon see that the love you feel towards me is just brotherly love. That it's not desire. It will fix you."

He looks at me silently and I can see his expression turning angrier by the second. Then he snaps. "Fuck Clary, No! No! There is no way! You're already bound to me in so many ways and I take so much from you. No! You're fucking insane!"

He gets up and moves around agitated. He then returns to the bed and sits down, looking at me and quietly continues. "Never Clary, never in a million years will we do that! I did it once in a trance, but never again! I could bloody hurt you and you! You need to stop victimising me. I'm half demon, this is what I am." He points at himself and continues in that agitated furious way, "He's not some separate entity to me. This is who I am. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love. And least of all, I don't serve your blood Clary! You need to fucking stop sacrificing yourself for me. You hear me Clary?! Why else do you think I've been pushing you away. I want you to live a life free of me. Why else would I try to make you hate me like that? God, Clary. Why are you even here? After earlier, after the things I've said and done... how can you bear to look at me right now?" He covers his face with his hands and I see his shoulders shaking from the emotion that's ripping his insides apart. I can feel the pain seeping out of him. My heart breaks. How did I not see this? I think back to the past weeks. To his behaviour. There were so many signs and I have ignored all of them. I'm the worst sister. But I will make it up to him. I will make it my mission to fix whatever is broken.

"Jon," I remove his hands from his face, so he sees me. "I see it now. Your demon wants me. He desires me. And you can't make him stop," I utter with conviction.

He stares at me with disbelief and starts to stutter, "No...what a crazy idea, Clary. I'm your brother. Why would you say such disgusting things?" He laughs awkwardly and tries to get up again.

"Jon. Stay. It's ok. I will make it stop. I promise you. I will make it stop, I'll make it go away. This will fix us. Don't you want us to be whole again?"

I grab a knife from my pocket and am about to press it into the palm of my hand, but Jonathan stops me and starts shaking his head vigorously. His voice is raspy, "You can't Clary, what if I hurt you? What if the demon comes out and hurts you? It's too much of a risk."

"No Jonathan, you will not hurt me. I know you won't. You love me and you always tell me that I'm the only person you've never had the urge to kill before." I smile at him and cut my palm, blood starts seeping to the surface.

"But Clary, what if my demon needs you to submit to me?"

"Then I'll submit."

His breath hitches. "You don't know what you're saying. What if my demon does desire you and what if he wants you to submit to me," He pauses and adds hastily, "Sexually."

Jon tugs an escaped lock behind my ear and speaks so quietly that I have to strain my ears, "What if I force myself onto you?"

"Jonathan, you are also part Shadowhunter, and you're my brother and those parts will be stronger. I trust you!"

Before he can come up with another excuse, I move my hand towards him. "Here Jonathan. Please, do this for me, for us. I want us to be good again. Please?" I implore him.

He looks resigned, good. He comes closer to me, hesitates and then takes my hand to his lips. Two seconds pass and then a deep satisfying groan escapes his throat, followed by Jon pushing me to the floor with immense force. Ok, this must be his demon making an appearance, it's all good. He pins me against the floor harder. Our bodies are fully connected. Every part from our legs to our chests, to our shoulders, to our foreheads. I'm completely enfolded by Jonathan and his scent and my skin is tingling all over. He's drinking from my hand, but my whole body seems to be zoned into that one spot, where his lips connect with my skin. My subconscious tells me to stop, to stop this madness, but I implore it to shut up.

Suddenly, I can feel something hard pressed against my belly. Ok, this is getting awkward now, and it reminds me a lot of the other night. It's actually almost the same ritual, step by step. All of this has already happened and I survived. This is going to be alright. I want to do this for him. It's the blood rush and the demon in him, so it's probably quite normal, right?!

Jon suddenly stops, bites his wrist and moves it towards me, his eyes are pools of darkness. All my thoughts escape me. He whispers, "Drink Clary," to me. His gaze hypnotises me like the night sky, there's so much depth in those eyes and without thinking what I'm about to do, I take his wrist to my mouth.

With the first taste of his blood, an intense taste of chocolate and pine hits my tongue, followed by a magnificent rush. My toes curl in response. Every particle in my body lights up and connects with Jon's, it's magnetic. It's pure starlight. I'm on fire. I'm on this other plane where I'm not me and Jon isn't Jon. We're just two atoms connecting in the most beautiful of ways, two parts fitting together perfectly. Once broken and now locked back into place. I can feel Jon pressing closer into me, if that's even possible. He grabs my thigh and hooks it around his waist. His hips start rocking into me. I can feel his huge hardness against my soft part and I want to reprimand him, make him stop, but I can't. I don't want to.

My mind and my body are in an ultimate lockdown and somehow my body wins this fight. My skin is on fire. I'm losing myself in him, in the feel of him, in his smell. The motion of his hips and the feel of his cock rubbing into me turns me on like crazy. The arousal hits me with force and the need to be closer to him is all consuming.

I need to meet this high I'm on, it's like I'm not myself anymore. I've never felt this starved for closeness. I start rubbing myself against his dick slowly up and down and Jon's breath catches in his throat and it almost sounds like an animalistic growl. I moan deeply in response. I'm so turned on even though our clothes are still on, but I can feel him everywhere and it burns. He burns me through the fabric of our clothing and it's the best feeling I've ever experienced.

He groans approvingly into my neck. His hands grab my ass and I push myself harder into him. He starts licking the side of my neck with long strokes of his tongue and I can feel him nibbling me slightly. I want him to bite me there too, to taste my blood right there. Every part of me is electrified, needy. "Please Jon." I moan.

He doesn't fight me on this. He's moaning my name and it's like an answer to a long lost prayer. Then I feel his teeth breaking through the skin near my clavicle and the sensation almost sends me over the edge. I can feel him taking my blood there and the heat that pools in my belly sends an electrifying shock to my centre. Wetness soaks my panties. I need a release. Soon. Or I will die from this all consuming need.

I can feel him licking the wound clean. Then kissing the side of my neck. His kisses are moving down my body, down my chest. I'm wearing a thin tank top, but I can feel his hot breath against my nipples. They're hardening in response to him, to the point they hurt. He licks one breast and it drives me crazy. Even though my breasts are covered with a bra and a top, it's the most intense sensation. He takes my right breast into his mouth, bites it lightly and that almost sends me over the edge.

"Clary," he groans, "You're so perfect, I want you. I've wanted this for so long. I need you to be mine," he looks up at me with pitch black eyes.

Lust, that's what I see. Hunger and lust, it all makes sense now. Things click into place in one part of my brain. His hands move towards my centre and he grabs me there hard, stroking me lightly with his thumb in small circles. I'm going to explode, I start responding to his hand, rubbing myself against it. I need to come. Now.

"Clary," he breathes. He moves down in between my legs and bites me right there where his hand was a second ago. Right there between my legs. I can feel his sharp teeth grazing my clit through my jeans. I start moving against him. It's pure ecstasy and pain mixed into one all consuming emotion.

The reactions he gets out of my body are insane. I look at him and see him staring at me. Staring at the way I respond to him. He runs his tongue slowly along the seam of my jeans, up my centre. From the bottom up. All the while, holding my eyes captive. I can feel the heat through the fabric. "Mine,Clary!" He leaves no space to argue the point and a part within me rejoices at his possessiveness.

"Say it Clary," his eyes bore into me.

"I'm yours Jon," I whisper. Jon growls in approval and slowly gets back up holding our eye contact. His eyes eat me alive. There is an undeniable connection between us. This is more than two bodies coming together. This feels like two souls snapping into place. He's touching and stroking me everywhere, revering in my body. I moan and writhe like I've never been touched before. I want him. He's pressed up against me again. His torso is pressed against me, his hips cover mine, causing a delicious friction. I want him. I need him. I need our clothes off. I need to feel his skin on mine or I'll die. I look up at him, I want to beg him to stop teasing me like this. Why is he taking his time? Why are my clothes still on?

His eyes drop to my lips, he looks at them hungrily. We haven't kissed yet. Not properly. That time he forced himself on me in his trance doesn't count. I forget the madness of my coiled need for him. All I want at this instance is to taste him. To taste his lips, to explore his tongue. He slowly moves closer to me. The anticipation is killing me. Everything within me gets pushed on pause. All I can tune into are those lips moving closer and closer. I can taste his breath on my lips, I inhale the taste of him. I'm going to get mad if he doesn't close the distance right this second. I can't bear it. I try to meet him halfway, but he stops me, he holds my throat firmly in his grasp and I can't move. I want to snarl at him like an angry kitten.

"Patience." He implores me. Then he grins at me cheekily, which makes me want to claw him.

He presses his thumb into my bottom lip and I can't hold it any longer, my tongue moves out to taste him. He watches me intently and when I suck on the tip of his thumb, he groans and pushes his cock against me. But instead of rocking into me he presses himself into me so deeply, I can almost feel him pushing himself into my soaked centre. All that stands in the way is the fabric of our clothing. Feeling him so close unravels me. "Please," I finally beg him.

I need to feel his lips on mine. I need to feel him inside of me or I may actually die. He looks at me with fascination and strokes the side of my eye and cheek and finally he moves towards me. Finally! I can taste his breath and the yearning I feel makes me want to cry out if I don't have him on my lips within the next five seconds. He moves closer still…

"What the fuck Jon." Suddenly I feel like someone has tipped a bucket of ice over me. I push him away harshly. What the fuck just happened?! He looks angry. Then hurt. Then he starts turning ashen and I can see the realisation of what just happened hitting him, too. He turns away, I see his rigid form stalling in horror. Visions of what just occurred between us are bombarding me like a film on repeat. I need a brain transplant. What did I do, what did we do?!

"I'm sorry Jon. I don't know what happened, the blood rush must have affected me. By the angel, what have we done?! It's ok, I'm sure it's normal. Jon? Jon? Look at me, it's not your fault. You hear me?!"

He turns around. He looks like death has come for a visit. "I'm so sorry Clary. I'm so sorry. It's like... I don't know what happened. Please forgive me, please?!"

I'm still in absolute horror shock, what the fuck just happened? What was I doing? Getting off on my brother like that? I'm going to be sick. But he can't see this reaction. He'd be upset and this was my idea. Actually, it was Simon's. I will definitely pay him a visit!

"It's ok Jon. It's not your fault. I'm so sorry! We were in a trance. I wasn't in full control of myself and that's what scared me. Not you. Never you."

"And look at you, you're looking better already, so it seems to have worked, right?" I fake a smile at him. He does seem better, minus his expression of horror. He's probably having the same visions attacking his subconscious. But there's colour in his skin again.

"I'm glad I could help Jon, I mean it." I peck him on the cheek quickly, "I'm going to see Izzy. I promised I would check in on her. I'll see you in the morning, alright? We're ok Jon, I promise." I smile at him and leave the room. I'm such a fucking coward.

I rush out. I've tried to sound normal. I hope he bought it. My skin is still on fire. I can still feel him everywhere. His hands have imprinted themselves on me. I haven't had a release and my body aches for it. I'm so freakin turned on and I can't seem to get out of it. Flashes of Jonathan bombard me and there's a part of me that wants to run back to him. What is wrong with me? Oh Raziel, I really hope Jon and his super senses couldn't smell my arousal. This all consuming need has taken hold of my body and it won't let go. 'Clary, get a fucking grip' I chastise myself.

I change my mind and run towards Jace's room. I don't bother knocking. I run through the door, he's on his bed reading a comic. In two seconds flat I'm naked and Jace just gawks at me.

" I need you," I say. He smiles and waves me over. I'm so glad I don't have to explain myself to him. He starts fondling me, but it doesn't feel right. I try to clear my mind, concentrating on Jace and his hands on me. He thrusts himself into me and a while later I'm finally close to coming. I'm so desperate to orgasm, it's almost painful.

"I'm coming Jace," I groan.

"That's good baby girl." He continues to fuck me, but I can't look at him. I can't let him see the desperation in my eyes, so I've squeezed them shut.

I'm climaxing and all I see are pitch black eyes staring back at me hungrily. I get lost in those eyes. The climax rushes through me. I'm covered in a woodsy smell. I think of the sensation of his lips against my neck, the edge of his teeth against my clit. The taste of him. His cock pressing into me. I groan in relief and then realise where my thoughts have gone again.

I shriek and push Jace off in horror. Oh fuck, why am I seeing Jon? Feeling Jon? I want to scream.

"Huh Clary, what's that about? I'm not done yet." I look around and want to hide. I'm so ashamed. I can see Jace. It's Jace, not Jon. It must be some weird blood exchange after effect, right?

"I'm sorry Jace, I'm exhausted and keep seeing demons everywhere," I chuckle. I then climb over him. I'm going to be ok. Once the blood is out of my system I'll be ok. Tomorrow, I will find Simon and show him what I think of him. He's made it worse, not better! I pin Jace to the bed and get all my frustrations out on him, by fucking him as fast as I can, up and down over and over again. I want to scream out of exasperation. I fuck him, all the while trying not to think about those black eyes that have turned my world upside down.

JON POV

I'm packing. I can't stay here. I can't be near Clary, it's too much. Visions of our encounter are haunting me. Just thinking about it makes me hard and my dick presses against my jeans. It begs me to spring free again. After she left, I had to relieve myself straight away. It was one of the most intense orgasms I've ever felt.

Tasting her, feeling her respond to me like that, telling me that she's mine. It felt like pieces clicking into place. Finally all my prayers were coming true and there was hope for me, there was hope for us...but reality crushed it.

I've always blamed the demon for wanting Clary, then I wondered whether that's the case, and now I know for sure. It was all me. I think back to giving her my blood. To those rosy lips pressing against my wrist. I'm so hard at the thought, it hurts. I grab my dick to calm. I don't have time for this. The blood exchange has made me want her more. How can that be? I want to be inside of her so much. I need it more than the air I breathe.

With a clear mind, the determination that I can't stay here is even stronger. I can't be around her if both parts of me are in love with Clary. It's hard enough fighting the demon's wants, but to fight myself? No way, no way. I need to leave. I also cannot go back to before. I can't be that monster towards her anymore. I love her too much. I love her like a man loves a woman. Passionately and all consuming. I want to see her happy. Not miserable. I make her miserable. Also, I can't watch her and pine after her like I have done. Now that I had a taste, I can never untaste her.

I continue to pack, but all I can think of is her. I can still feel the shape of her breast in my mouth, the feel of her soft centre against my cock. I remember the scent of her skin mixed with arousal, and how eagerly she rubbed herself against my hand. I groan inwardly. I can hear the echoes of her sweet moans. Fuck. How I wish I could have had her. I was going so slow, because I wanted to revel in every little detail, I didn't want to rush anything with her. Getting her all hot and flustered was turning me on like nothing else. Thank fuck she stopped! She would have regretted it afterwards and I could not bear it.

I'm aching for her all over. Again. But no, I'm not going down this route. My mind is made up. I'm going to move as far away as possible and put some distance between us. Valentine said there's a cure. I will find it. Even if it just cures the demon, that'll be enough for me to endure this, won't it?

I grab the last of my stuff and head towards the door and see Clary standing there staring at me in utter disbelief.

"You're leaving?!" She looks at me with hurt in her eyes. "You're leaving me and you weren't going to say goodbye? How dare you!" She shouts, then pushes me into the room and shuts the door behind us. She waits for me to say something. What do I say, she won't let me go, but she has to.

The sight of her makes me so fucking hard. I have the urge to touch myself. To force her to touch me. I picture her lips around the tip of my cock. I picture pressing her against that wall. Pressing my dick against her little ass. Fucking her from behind. Eating her out from behind. Tasting her Pussy. Sticking my tongue into that sweet little wet centre and licking her over and over again, hearing her moan. I know the sounds she makes now. I'll never forget the sounds she made underneath me. Ever. I shake myself out of the madness that has become my brain.

"Yes, Clary I'm leaving. It's for the best, what happened earlier...it was wrong and I…"

"Jon, that's ok, it was only a side effect of the demon thingy, so don't worry about it." She smiles at me encouragingly.

"Has it fixed you? Are you fixed? Have you stopped desiring me? It'll be ok, you'll see. Honestly, nothing much happened earlier."

Have I stopped desiring her? I want to laugh out loud. I want her more. So much fucking more, I'm actually in physical pain from restraining myself not to jump her. I'm suddenly so angry at her for having forced the blood exchange on us. She's caused this. She makes me sound like I'm broken. But it's her fault!

I'll work with that rage. I can't stay. I can't stay without driving myself insane, but she won't let me go. I can see that already. She'll fight me on it. Even after all I have put her through these past few weeks. Even after what just happened. She will never set me free. At which point will she truly give up on me? Unless? Unless, I hurt her completely. That's the only way. That's what I'll do.

I turn around, taking in a deep breath. I'll regret this but here it goes... I look at her one last time and see the love she holds towards me in her beautiful green eyes. I'll make sure to extinguish it with one harsh blow. I take in her beautiful, delicate features and memorise every part of her.

"Clary, it wasn't nothing. What we did, what I did in my demon trance and how you responded to me, it was wrong, and it was pretty disgusting. The whole thing sickens me. I feel like I've got ants crawling across my skin where you touched me, where my skin touched you. I can't even look at you without wanting to throw up. You make me feel sick, don't you get that? I can't be here. I just can't. Don't call me. Actually don't contact me ever. You did this. I blame you for this. You hear me! You forced this on us! This stupid blood exchange. You wouldn't take 'NO' for an answer, and now... I can't do this. You and me, we are unnatural, our relationship is unnatural," I shout.

Clary looks horrified. She looks like she's standing at the precipice of a mountain, one more push. "So Clary, I just can't be around you. Now that you have cured me off this demon desire I felt towards you, I cannot be around you. You get that little sister, don't you?! You shouldn't want me around you if you had an ounce of understanding of what's normal. Perhaps you're too immature to grasp this?! Perhaps you think that what happened earlier can be pushed aside like it was nothing? Unless you enjoyed it and came back here for more? Is that it? You want me to fuck you? Well is that it? Is that what your sick mind conjured up? Some brother, sister fantasy?!" I laugh at her and add, "You and I, we are done. We are done. I can't wait to get your disgusting stench off my skin forever." I look at her harshly. One last time. Then I walk out the door without turning back.

I'm breathing hard. I want to turn back, to run back to Clary, pick her up and apologise until she forgives me for my awful words, but I can't. This decision is the right one. I bump into Alec and he says something, but I tell him I'm leaving for a bit and running late or something along those lines, no time to stop. I leave the institute and when I reach the treeline outside, I bend over and throw up. My mouth tastes like acid and Clary's look of absolute horror haunts me. It will haunt me forever, but this is what I deserve. I can't get her out of my head. I can't get her off my skin. I don't want her off my skin. It'll be a long time before I'll shower again. I'll keep her on me as long as possible.

Me leaving, it's the best way. I wipe my mouth and move, as far away from here. As far away from Clary as geographically possible. I think of my Father and of Brazil and head towards a new path.

END OF PART 1