If you recognize it, it is not mine.
The following chapter contains references to the episode Hawk's Nightmare.
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Be safe!
Claudia learned about Hawkeye's midnight adventure from BJ, when he came to visit her in Post-Op. They talked over a few cases and they sat down at the table. She could feel BJ had something on his mind when he first came in, but he sure took his sweet time getting to the point. He went through small talk about the weather, the lack of morphine and even the military aspects of the war.
After BJ left, she went to check the duty roster. She remembered it correctly, Hawkeye had the shift right after hers, and so even if he wanted to avoid her, he couldn't. While Hawkeye claimed he never sleepwalked before, he did have a few nightmares when they shared a bed. It was obvious something bothered him and ignoring the issue wasn't working out for him.
Nurse Able seemed distracted and needed Claudia's supervision, even though normally she was able to run thing on her own. It seemed like everyone was a little off their game recently. Claudia's pace quickened as she wanted to have everything ready when Hawkeye turns up so they could talk without interruptions. And she managed it in time, mainly due to the fact that Hawkeye came in late. She even found time to chat with one of the patients, who had trouble with writing home about his amputation.
Eventually Hawkeye ran into the Post-Op, looking white as a fresh layer of snow, with big bags under his eyes that screamed exhaustion. "Sorry, I am late." He said hastily, fixing his white coat.
"Don't worry about it. It's pretty much a snooze fest in here." Claudia answered calmly, getting up from her chair. "Let's talk in private. Able, we'll be right in there if anything happens."
Hawkeye walked into the radiology room right behind Claudia and closed the door. There was a whiff of drama present in the air.
"How are you feeling?"
She chose one chair and gave him a worried look after sitting down. Patting the chair next to her, she invited him to sit as well, which he did. He gave a long sigh, taking her hand tenderly before speaking.
"Tired."
"I heard what you were up to during the night, so I am not surprised." She covered their joined hands with her other one, lightly stroking at times. The noise from Post-Op was could be heard even from behind the closed doors, so there wasn't really an awkward silence, but the atmosphere was odd, which seemed to be the new normalcy between them lately.
Hawkeye felt as though someone had wrung him as a sponge, he felt like he had no energy left in him. Despite the fact they usually went on without sleep for much longer during OR stints, he felt worse than he ever remembered feeling. Knowing what they had to discuss, he cursed his brain for not working properly. It was a while since she spoke and still he said nothing and they must have looked bad. So he just blurted out the first thing he thought of.
"I wasn't aware of what I was saying. I swear! I didn't mean to hit on her."
Hawkeye could feel his pulse was speeding up while the woman next to him was in grips of utter confusion. "What?"
"What?" Hawkeye repeated, his eyes till stuck at half-closed.
"What are you talking about, Hawkeye?"
"My sleepwalking episode. I apparently met nurse Able and asked her to play ball."
"And did you play with her?"
"Of course not! We didn't do anything, I swear it! I-I…" Hawkeye spoke so fast, he forgot to pause to take a breath and was trying to catch it now.
"Calm down, Hawkeye." Claudia wrapped her arm around Hawkeye and laid her head on his shoulder. His warm body was shaking in her embrace. So that is what Hawkeye had been up to while sleepwalking, hitting on Able. No wonder she wasn't working well under Claudia's supervision. Is it possible it meant something? Why else would Hawkeye felt so guilty afterwards? Was he with her out of pity, maybe? Was he with her at all?
Possibly, since they are having this conversation. They had a lot of conversations that only couples have. Waiting for him to stop hyperventilating, unhelpful thoughts just kept coming to her. It was making her nervous about the whole situation. So she mustered enough courage to ask. "You've done nothing wrong, did you?"
"No." Hawkeye whispered, clearing his throat afterwards, trying to steady his voice. "I just, you know, played some basketball."
"With whom?"
"No one."
"Then how do you know you played basketball?"
"Klinger saw me. And talked to me, actually." Hawkeye ran his fingers through Claudia's hair, then let his hand drop to her waist and held her tight. "Anyway, I then met Able at breakfast and she kissed her finger and pressed it to my lips."
"Oh." Claudia looked into his eyes, which were burning with insecurity at this point. She knew this was unusual for him to feel this way. That was what all the jokes were for, to mask the vulnerability of someone in the middle of a bloody conflict. She took a deep breath. "Look…" She started with more resolve that she actually felt, but knew her silence was killing him inside. "If she tries to be friendly again and it makes you uncomfortable, you should discuss it with her. Otherwise we should let it go. Yeah?"
Hawkeye just nodded, unsure of what words would fit.
"And you should lay off the booze for a few days and sleep whenever possible because frankly you look terrible." Claudia declared like a drill sergeant which was weird with her being a colonel and all. Hawkeye didn't help his case by yawning loudly before answering.
"You're right. I feel like dead right now." Hawkeye started to laugh, but froze in the middle of the chuckle, looking in her direction awkwardly.
"I'll send someone with a big coffee pot to visit you, okay?"
"Thanks. You're the best." Hawkeye smiled uncomfortably.
Before they could say anything else, nurse Able came looking for Hawkeye. Claudia gave him a quick, but passionate kiss and then passed nurse Able on the way out.
In every other way Hawkeye's shift was a cakewalk, but mentally it was exhausting beyond belief. He was able to deal with physical exhaustion, he was regularly functioning while running on empty. But there was a brain fog obstructing the world that he never experienced.
When one of the youngest patients, Timothy Burke, asked him when he'd seen his father for the last time, Hawkeye almost lost his mind. He suddenly got this urge to run out of Post-Op and just keep running until he got home or fell down dead. Two years. 700 and who knows how many miserable days since he looked into his dad's eyes. Before he went away to study, it was inconceivable for Hawkeye to even leave Crabapple Cove for long period of time. And now it was more than two years since he stood on American soil and was able to live without fear of being blown to million pieces.
Nurse Able was replaced by Kellye and Hawkeye was immensely grateful for that. There was definitely tension between them since she learned his proposition was not done consciously. And Kellye, apart from being a great nurse, was also sensitive enough to pick up on the fact he wanted to be left alone. He didn't even make small talk with patients when making rounds.
At the end of his shift, he was decided to take Claudia's advice and take it easy for a few days. Frank came to relieve him with his usual enthusiasm and caring doctor-like manner. Still, Hawkeye couldn't even find the energy to make a good joke and since he wouldn't settle for a bad one, he just left for his tent.
After careful deliberation, he chose not to take a sleeping pill and tried to fall asleep naturally. But the camp was still full of life despite the late hour, so it proved difficult. In the end he just enjoyed some rest, lying wide awake on his army-provided cot. Snuggled in the blanket, he felt the warmth soothe his tired aching body and somehow it felt like enough.
He must have drifted off to sleep before BJ came back to the Swamp. It was very fortunate that BJ was there to comfort him after his abysmally realistic nightmare. He woke up not only screaming, but drenched in sweat, shaking like a tiny leaf in the biggest of storms. Although as a doctor he knew it was impossible, he felt his heart all the way up in his throat, pulsating so loud it gave him a headache.
He grew accustomed to the dread that accompanied living in Korea, but this kind of fear was a new territory for him. And it attacked him when he was at his most defenseless, in his sleep. Yes, they certainly was a funny side to his sleepwalking, with playing basketball and marbles and all, but the famous joker of 4077 was too beat to see it.
The uneasy feeling stayed with him for the duration of the following day and Margaret's premonition talk did not help much. He didn't believe in that sort of things, but he would feel horrible if something happened to Toby after he dreamt it would. That was the reason he decided to call Crabapple Cove.
He couldn't believe his ears when all Toby could talk about was money. It was such a petty concern in light of all the suffering of this world. One of the three Musketeers grew up to be a shallow narrow-minded goof, who would have thought? The incident hurt Hawkeye, especially after he worried about his old friend for so long and spent the day replaying his childhood memories. So in spite of swearing to himself to give up alcohol and take better care of himself, he walked over to the Officers' Club where Father Mulcahy was playing the piano. Klinger and nurse Kellye were sitting on the bar, playing twenty questions, but soon Kellye left to sit with some young soldier.
Klinger wanted to go to sleep, but Hawkeye persuaded him to stay, since the good Father was still playing and the night was youngish. It was inevitable Hawkeye would have to face sleep at some point, but his strategy was to delay that as much as possible. Maybe if he got more exhausted, he would not have the energy to sleepwalk. Unfortunately everyone else was still keen on sleep and rest and soon he was left alone in an empty bar.
Claudia had another night shift and this time she was shockingly busy. Their newest patient had an adverse reaction to penicillin and even though they intervened as quickly as humanly possible, he was still in bad shape. They were going to monitor his condition closely throughout the night, but it was clear the recovery was going to take time. Then there was one case of severe infection that responded to antibiotics, but still complicated the healing process quite considerably. Both of these patients were first in line for transfer to Japan. While they were stable enough for the journey, it was crucial for them to be able to get more complex medical care that a MASH unit could have provided.
After nurse Baker took a five, she came back with a pot of strong coffee and offered Claudia some.
"Thank you, I'll have a cup." Claudia said, going through yesterday's inventory. They didn't have many patients, at least in comparison to usual, but they were going to be short on a few crucial drugs if supply didn't step up.
Just a few minutes after two o'clock, Claudia stepped outside to get some fresh air. In the darkness, the 4077 lost some of its military character and looked more like a summer camp than a field hospital. If one ignored the armed guard frequently passing by, it almost looked idyllic. The air felt cold in the lungs, one could feel it stretch inside the body before breathing out.
Claudia felt uneasy ever since she spoke to Hawkeye, even her dreams were about the oddness of their relationship. It seemed they had gotten to the stage when they either went all in or turned back. This middle ground dance they tried to continue so stubbornly caused more damage than it resolved problems.
At times, they were able to communicate only with looks and gestures, which was useful, because their verbal communication was frequently inadequate. They felt close to each other, but couldn't find the right way to express it in words. The resulting confusion took toll on both of them.
Hawkeye sometimes abandoned his joker persona in her presence, but was visibly unsure of himself when doing so to have any important discussion. His latest escapades of sleepwalking and night terrors were only the tip of the problematic iceberg. Sighing at the remembrance of how panicky Hawkeye got in the grips of a nightmare and how lost he seemed upon waking, she suddenly felt the need to do something. However, as of that moment, she was unsure of what exactly that something would be.
Realizing how tired she was, Claudia took one last breath of the icy air before stepping back inside. Maybe she should drink more of that coffee to be able to stay alert until the end of her shift.
As luck would have it, she stepped back at the same time as one patient demanded to see a doctor. It was Robert Pilson, who had recently lost a leg and had trouble processing the loss. He suffered from nightmares and paralyzing pain that was most likely psychosomatic. He had a fiancée back in the States and was worried to death she would break the engagement when she learned he was missing a limb. Claudia helped him with writing a letter to her, making sure he left out the bitter defeatism and sarcastic self-pity he felt. It wasn't about lying to his sweetheart, but merely letting her know he still was still madly in love with her.
Love. How can one little word contain so many problems? If she was honest with herself, she was thinking about Hawkeye in that context. Many times had the l-word slipped into her brain and it unsettled her. Her feelings for him were stronger than she ever thought was possible.
For the first time since her diagnosis, she felt utterly powerless. Seeing Hawkeye struggle hurt Claudia like nothing ever before. The reason she was able to accept the prognosis was the fact she wasn't leaving anyone close behind. While she was feeling very alone before, she was comforted by the fact no one was suffering with her. But in Korea everything changed. Damn it, she should have listened to Sidney's warning! Life never goes according to plan.
A loud noise cut through the silent atmosphere, startling everyone awake. It was apparent it came from quite a distance, but it wasn't certain what it was. Pilson woke up and started hyperventilating loudly. Baker came to his side and sat next to the bed, taking his hand carefully. Claudia scanned the Post-Op if any other patients were disturbed, and when she made sure everything was handled, she again stepped outside to see what happened.
Igor had night duty. He was sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette. Upon noticing Claudia, he put out the cigarette and hurried to her.
"What happened, Igor? What the hell was that noise?" She put her hands in the pocket of her white coat, while walking towards Igor. It got even colder and she starting to shake.
"I am not sure, ma'am. It sounded like a bloodcurdling scream and right afterwards Doctor Pierce rushed to the admin office."
Claudia frowned, deep in thought. "Nothing else then?"
"Colonel Potter went in few moments after him. Otherwise it's been quiet."
"Okay, thank you, Private."
Claudia turned on her heels and hurried inside before she froze in place. Nurse Baker was taking patients' vital signs, so Claudia said down at the table, not wanting to get in the way.
So Hawkeye probably had another horrible nightmare and freaked out. Claudia heard about the panicky call to Maine on the day before and wondered if this was something similar. It was baffling to try to uncover the truth just by analyzing rumors, no matter how well-informed Radar was. Gone were the days when she and Hawkeye talked for hours.
Checking her watch, Claudia realized her shift would be soon over and she needed to get some paperwork done before then. Still frowning, she tried to focus on work.