This is not the chapter I would have wanted to publish right after Trump was fired! I am so so so happy. It feels like a huge weight got off the world's shoulders, doesn't it? Although there are still problems, something got better.
Anyway, this chapter deals with minor depression.
Hey, just calling to ask you if you're spending the Spring holidays in Russia. I'll stay here... I wish I could go there, but I really need to finish this thesis. And I just realized that this would be the first time that we don't spend this time together, at least not since I was 15. Anyway, I miss you and take care.
Last December, Amy accepted an offer to spend next semester in Russia. She wished she could go back to Florence, but her budget was limited and there were so many things she was saving for. St. Petersburg was an amazing city and their supplies shop were of the highest quality. Plus, she decided to visit the Hermitage as many times as necessary to see every single work of art. That meant they were not going to see each other until his graduation. Ernest had told him he was going to miss her. At first, he dismissed that, it was only a semester. It wasn't like she was going to stay there forever. Ernest gave him a look and rolled his eyes. It was until a few months later that he found himself checking his email daily for news from Amy.
He talked about it with Sean. It was definitely not the longest he had been away from her. The first time she went to Paris, they didn't see each other for six months! But now it was different. Back then, they were friends, great friends, but nothing more. Now they had been together as a couple twice. It was too soon for him to admit it, but he still loved her, he never stopped actually.
For now, he can admit that he misses her, more than he expected. He smiles every time a notification with her name pops up, whether it's an email, a Facebook notification, or an Instagram story. He's very happy for her.
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Weeks passed and Amy's load of work increases. These Russians are not playing games. She loves it, but it really gives small windows to enjoy herself. And she really wants to take as much as she can from the experience. Unfortunately, her messaging with Laurie decreases its intensity. Not that they had long conversations every single day, but now sometimes it takes her a few hours to reply back. She apologizes and he says it is fine.
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But things are not fine in Florence. He tries, but sometimes life just hits you multiple times right at the same moment and it's too much for anyone. And it's worse because not only does it make you deal with the immediate things, but it pulls out long-buried issues you thought you had forgotten.
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On a lazy and uneventful afternoon, Laurie received a call that made him shiver.
"Laurie?"
"Jo,"
"How are you?"
"I'm alright. Got a few things to deliver this week. Why?" He asked as he could sense something strange in her voice.
"Are you alone?"
"No, Helena is here with me." He heard Jo breathing heavily. "What is it?!"
"Your grandfather is in the hospital," Laurie froze. "He's recovering, but he had a heart attack and he's staying a few days in the hospital to make sure he's going to be ok."
"What?"
"I'm sorry, Laurie. But the doctors think he's going to recover successfully. Although he's going to require treatment and..."
"What does that mean? Is he going to have another heart attack?!" He felt Helena hugging his shoulders as she looked worryingly at him.
"I don't know. We'll watch him."
"I'm coming back..."
"No, he wants you to stay."
"Jo!"
"Listen, I know you're scared, but he's not alone. We'll be with him, I promise. You have to stay and finish your Master's. It's what he wants." Jo's heart broke, even more, hearing Laurie cry. "I'm calling Amy, she's closer."
"She's in Russia,"
"It's still closer."
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Jo didn't have to say it twice before Amy was going back to spend a weekend with him. His friends had been supportive, Helena tried to comfort him. And for the most part, they succeeded. He was lucky to have them and he appreciated each of them. However, no one was able to fully understand the situation. If he was asked, he would be incapable of describing the relief and safety that seeing Amy provoked him. She appeared at his doorstep one morning. He hugged her tightly, maybe for too long. Enough for Helena to notice something strange. Because of course, she was there.
"He's going to be okay," Amy said.
"Thanks for being here," he said, stepping back.
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The truth is that Laurie truly loved Helena. She gave him a different way to see a relationship. Finally, he had a serious girlfriend, and he was able to say it out loud! With no regard for others' judgment or of keeping secrets. He could tell her "I love you" as easily as any other thing. He had met her parents and enjoyed dinner with them, he could talk about her with Jo. Basically, he doesn't have to watch out for people to see them. She was a sweet, funny, and very focused woman. He can't say he didn't have that with Amy, but there was something different in her.
Amy and Helena met back in September when they were walking through the streets when they saw Amy walking opposite them. They had been talking a few times, nothing significant, but at least their conversation that night in July seemed to calm things down between them.
"You must be Helena," Amy said back then. This was not Laurie's favorite moment, in fact, he would have avoided it if he had the chance.
"So, you two are long time friends?" She asked once they went back to his place.
"We're neighbors in Concord. She's Jo's sister."
"And you two have always been just friends?" She asked, noticing some sort of awkwardness on him during their encounter with Amy.
"We kind of dated in the past."
"So, she's your ex?"
"Kind of...we never officially said something."
"But you slept with her?"
"Yeah," he confessed. "Does it bother you?"
"No," her voice didn't sound convincing. "I'm just curious. What was it, like friends-with-benefits?"
"I wouldn't call it like that. We did go on dates two years ago and then we spent time together last year, but we never told people, at least not the ones who were with us here. Our families don't know anything."
"She looks very sophisticated."
"She likes fashion… Look, I've known her since we were kids and our families are very close."
"It's ok, lots of people are friends with their ex"
"Yeah well, I was friends with her before dating her so really we just went back to where we were normally." Helena hummed and smiled.
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Usually, Helena was a confident woman, or at least that's how she conceived herself. But after learning about Laurie and Amy's relationship, she found herself making an extra effort to be nice to Amy. Not that she wanted to be Amy's friend, but she made sure to compliment her any time they saw each other. Amy didn't make much of it.
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Back in December, Helena came to be somewhat annoyed at Amy at a party. They found themselves arguing about the next US elections that evolved into a discussion about the far-right, and Amy seemed to have a lot to say.
"God, Amy sometimes is so self-absorbed," Helena commented on their way back home.
"Because she talks about politics? She doesn't speak about it anyway" He heard her shrugged.
"Please, she honestly cares about all of that?"
"Yes, and so am I. I know politics is not everyone's cup of tea, and believe me it's not hers. But it's important to talk about it. Her family has always been very interested in all of this, Amy is actually the light one in these matters."
"It sounds like she has to say something always. Like she needs to be heard."
Laurie frowned at this. He knew for a few years, Amy struggled with attention. He couldn't blame her totally, being the youngest of four meant that there were a lot of voices on the table and hers was not the most attractive. The problem being the "baby" of the family is that they will always treat you like a baby, even when you're 20 or older. Also, it didn't help that Amy's thoughts were much more practical and realistic than the ones of the rest of the family. So, yes, she liked to be heard but that didn't mean that she didn't listen to others, nor that her opinions were dishonest.
"No, I don't think so."
"She seems to like your attention especially," There, that was the real reason why she was angry.
"I didn't sense that," She looked at him with disbelief. Thankfully, she dropped the subject. Although what followed made him wish she would have stopped talking completely about Amy.
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"Everywhere we go, she's always flirting with like ten guys," she noted.
"Yeah, that's normal. She's good at it, so..." he said casually.
"Talking about craving male approval."
"I don't think that's it. Since she's in high school, she has always had luck. They came on their own, she doesn't really have to call them."
"You mean she's always acted slutty?"
"No," he said after a pause. He just couldn't believe what she was saying. He tended to forget that she came from a very conservative family and that sometimes created disagreements among them. "Look, she's my friend."
"I'm always nice to her," she excused herself.
"Not now… if you're only going to be nice only when she's around, then that's just hypocritical and misogynistic."
"No wonder people talk about her..."
"Please," he said in an annoyed tone. "Stop."
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Now Helena found herself kind of in the back seat, while Amy took the copilot place helping Laurie deal with his grandfather's heart attack. It had only been a day and a half that she visited, but it deepened many of Helena's doubts and fears.
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"Are you sure you want to take a cab?"
"Yes, it's fine."
"Alright, thanks for coming."
"Thanks for paying the ticket back," Amy said after they hugged. "Anything, call me." She thanked Helena and left the apartment.
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A couple of weeks passed by and for the most part things run... normally? Laurie found himself tired all the time. He would receive daily updates on his grandfather's condition from Jo, and still, he felt unsettled. He had a few projects to do, but he couldn't bring himself to concentrate. He lost appetite and slept too much. In the eyes of strangers, he would look like any tired student, but his closer circle noticed the difference.
After two years of good grades, he barely passed a quiz and his essay was not as well-received as the previous ones. Whenever his friends invited him to have dinner or just spend some time together, he would refuse. He even told Helena that he had too much homework as an excuse to not see her. And when he did accept, he would be quiet and slow, and not at all interested in doing more than just sleep. It began bothering her.
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The only one who was able to see beyond that was Ernest. Maybe it was that they lived together and one night he heard him crying.
"Is everything alright with you?"
"Yeah," he said lazily.
"It's just, you don't look like yourself lately..."
"I don't know," he rubbed his face with both hands. He was feeling anxious, anxious for not being able to function as he usually did. "I feel tired all the time, I'm always worried and anxious..."
"Maybe you should seek help..." Ernest suggested hesitantly. Because it's always scary to imply that someone needs psychological help. Some people reacted offended at the implication that something is wrong with them mentally. But he knew better and Laurie was his friend and he obviously needed help. Laurie didn't react badly to it, he just stayed silent. "You could go to the school's counselor."
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"Hello, Theodore," A woman in her 40s sat across him. "You asked for a consult,"
"A friend said it could be a good idea..."
"Is there a reason why he would recommend that? How are you feeling?"
"Not great."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Can you tell me more about it? When did you start feeling like this?"
"Umm...about a month ago..."
"Did something happen back then or did it come out of nowhere?"
"My grandfather had a heart attack."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"He's recovering, but..."
"Where is he? You're American." She said, looking at his profile.
"He's in Concord... Massachusetts."
"It is difficult to be far away from home, especially during this sort of situation. And that sometimes sparks feelings of guilt for not being there. But what happened was not your fault in any way."
"We were never close… I think part of him has always hated me," he said, head down.
"Why would you think he hates you?"
"My father ran away to marry my mom. He left him out of his will. I had no idea who he was until my parents died. He sent me to boarding schools until I was 15 years old and went to live with him.I think he only began to be nice because we started hanging out with our neighbors."
"Have you ever talked to him about how you feel?" Laurie shook his head.
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"What about other people… A boyfriend,or girlfriend?"
"No, none of that," he answered quite easily. About a week ago, Helena insisted on cooking for him. He was grateful and everything, but he just didn' have energy.
"You weren't tired of following Amy around when she came," she noted.
"She came from Saint Petersburg! What did you want me to do, ignore her?!"
"You stare at her!" she raised her voice.
"I do not!" Helena shrugged. "Why do we have to reach this point every time? She's my friend, I thought we were clear on that."
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"Any friends in the city?"
"Yeah, I have some. Ernest, he's the one who told me to come."
"That's good. He cares about you."
"Anyone else who might help that is close or maybe you can call?"
"My best friend Jo is in New York. We can't talk all the time, but at least once a week we have a video call." He saw as the woman wrote down the names. He remained silent for a while.
"There's also Amy."
"Is Amy a friend from college?"
"No, she's Jo's sister, but we are good friends too… actually she studies here too. But this semester she's in Saint Petersburg. They are my neighbors back in Concord, we used to spend a lot of time together with another two of their sisters. It was nice."
"I suppose they know about your grandfather's condition."
"Yes, Jo and Beth sent me updates and Amy came one weekend to visit me."
"Seems like they care a lot about you."
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Laurie kept going to therapy. Turns out he had quite a few things buried in his mind. The psychologist encouraged him to talk with his friends about his situation. Now he talks to Jo and Amy on a daily basis. He had other friends, but he only felt comfortable with them. He guessed at some point the girls talk to each other on how they can keep an eye on him. Their schedules allowed them to stay online most of the day.
Amy took him on a tour through the city and especially took him to the Hermitage and other places. She was enjoying her time in Russia so much and somehow that made him feel better. She even joked and showed off the few words and phrases she was able to learn. Jo read to him her new stories.
At some point, he mentioned his love for music so he was now composing small pieces. He doesn't think they are particularly good or anything, and he is not expecting to make a career or earn any money from them. But not because his career had taken a different turn, he had to stay away from music.
"They're beautiful," Amy tells him over Zoom once she convinced him to send them to her.
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Concord, Massachusetts
It was not usual for Jo and Amy to team up like that. Most of their childhood they spent fighting with each other, sometimes physically. But secrets tend to have an expiration date and to Laurie and Amy's relationship, it reached a month before the whole issue of Laurie's depression hit. Sally Moffat offered a New Years party and Meg dragged Jo with her.
"Hi, Parker."
"Ladies." He said, raising his glass, clearly drunk.
"How was Europe?"
"Eh, not very special." He said with indifference, as someone who's been there enough times to render it ordinary.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Amy." Meg tried to continue the conversation, noticing Parker's bitter reaction at her sister's name. "Laurie is there too, I'm glad he's there with her, it can feel very lonely sometimes and Amy has never been away from us before," Meg said, causing Parker to laugh on his drink. Everyone turned to look at him confused.
"Oh don't worry. I'm sure Laurie is keeping her very good company, showing her the world, taking good care of her." He said in a very sarcastic and mocking tone. He obviously didn't know about the hell Laurie had been through.
"What the hell does that mean?" Jo said angrily. Everyone understood well what he meant, though. Unfortunately, Parker left the sisters wandering alone.
"Why did he say that?" Asked Meg.
"He's drunk, and he's always had a thing for Amy. He's bitter because she never did." Jo said quickly. The two sisters tried to enjoy the party after that, but when it was over, their minds went back home.
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"I can't forget what Parker said!" Jo said frustrated. "Laurie would never do such a thing. He's Laurie."
"What's going on?" Beth said entering the room.
"Well, it doesn't have to be something bad, not necessarily," Meg said.
"Amy and Laurie?!" Jo said incredulously.
"What about them?" Beth said, sitting in one of the beds.
"When we were at the party, Parker implied that Amy and Laurie have been more than friends lately," Meg explained.
"It's ridiculous!" Jo said as she kept pacing in the room.
"Why? Even you thought about it once." Beth reminded her sister. "They'd be a cute couple."
"Amy barely spoke of Laurie in the summer. Maybe that's why he didn't come." Meg said, tying loose trends. "Look, let's not jump into conclusions and not make a big deal about this. People have always speculated that there's something going on between Laurie and one of us." Meg remembered the rumors running about her and Laurie years ago.
"I guess you're right," Jo said, sounding calmer; although not convinced.
Notes:
It's so weird how the mind works. I myself had gone through some weeks where I felt like shit and thankfully I came out of it. And it's so frustrating because you want to get better but you can't. But really, it's so important to get help. It doesn't make you weak and especially men tend to act like they are so strong.
In the book, Connell's depression goes way farther than Laurie's, but I didn't want to kill Mr. Laurence nor give Laurie a deep depression. But still, I think Laurie has a lot of issues regarding the death of his parents and his relationship with his grandfather.
Btw, thanks to lovelacegsl for reminding me why I hated Helen in the book.
I hope I was able to write this chapter rightly.