For the week after her talk with Taavi on the beach, C.J. was practically silent. If she spoke at all, it was mostly to Jeddy. She was slowly moving away from the dark place, but where she was going, had a rough path between it and the next chapter in her life. She was struggling with wanting and not wanting to forgive Houston for everything that had happened. She still loved him deeply, but would he think her a doormat if she forgave him and then only do it again? No, she reasoned, he was always a man of his word. Except that one time, and that one time was what hurt her the most. How could they even get back to being best friends let alone a couple with a future? But did she really even love him anymore? After everything that happened because he was too stubborn to heed her and Roy's council, could she love him like that again? They had a child together, so she knew she had to let him in a little, but could she really stop at letting him in only a little? So many questions plagued her day in and day out.
She wasn't crying a much as she had been, but little things would trigger her, like a diaper commercial, and she would flee to her room and close the door if Houston were there. There were moments as she was coming out of her dark thoughts, when she noticed what great a father he was to their son; lying on the floor with Jeddy during tummy time, changing diapers without complaint, and how he made Jeddy laugh. But she always knew he would be a great father, which is why she chose to get pregnant.
One evening, as Houston was about to leave to go back to the hotel, she mentioned softly, "You know, it doesn't make much sense for you to have a hotel room. You're only ever there to sleep."
Houston froze, unsure of how to respond. His heart started beating a little faster hoping she was saying what he thought she was saying, so he cautiously asked, "What do you mean?"
She shrugged, then reached over to pick a piece of lint off of his shirt. Her eye contact was fleeting as her voice trembled a little, "You could stay in one of the guest rooms here." Then she quickly added, "If you don't want to, I'd understand."
He tried to contain his enthusiasm, but ended up blurting out, "I would love that!" She startled a bit at how he said it, so he modulated his voice to a cooler tone when he continued, "You know, if you're okay with it."
"I wouldn't have suggested it if I weren't," was her casual reply. She would never admit how terrified she was of this step. She tried not to over analyze it, but that was what came naturally to her. Looking at situations from as many angles as she could to determine the best course of action. This morning she had finally settled on looking at it from the financial perspective, because it was the most pragmatic option available. "It just makes fiscal sense, and I'm sure Murray would agree."
He pursed his lips then nodded thoughtfully, "OK, then I'll check out of the hotel tomorrow." He was doing cartwheels of joy in his head. He didn't care what angle was getting him in the door, he was just thrilled that he was in.
She nodded and looked away, "Okay. I'll wash the bed linens tonight."
He wanted to say so many things to her, but limited himself to, "Okay. Goodnight." Then he stepped outside, and went down the walkway.
She sighed, "Goodnight." She was hoping she made the right choice.
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About a week later, they were sitting having dinner. He was loving staying in the guest room. Well, not loving the guest room stay, as much as what it meant. It meant she was slowly letting him back into her life. She was speaking to him more, even though there was no real depth in her conversations. Mostly talk about the weather, what to have for dinner, what needed to be done at the office, improvements for the house; that sort of thing.
Now that he was living there, he had the time to look at the pictures in the frames on the wall. In the living room, there was a large one of Kai and C.J. on the beach; he was dressed only in board shorts and she was in a bikini with a wraparound skirt. He was standing behind her with his head down so that they were cheek to cheek and he had his hands on either side of her pregnant belly with her hands on his. They were both smiling brightly. The jealousy rose within him when he saw it, so he tried to avoid looking at it as much as he could. On the wall in the hallway to the guest bathroom, there was a framed photo of Kai and C.J. running next to each other and smiling. Their finisher's medals were hanging on either side of the photo. He knew she might kick him out for bringing it up, but he was growing weary of having to walk on eggshells around her. On that night, he noted, "I see you ran another marathon."
"Yes, Kai and I did another one, but it was only a half marathon this time," was her somewhat terse reply. She really didn't want to hear a lecture from him about running while she was pregnant.
Houston nodded; he kept his tone even but inquisitive, "How far along were you when you did it?" He wanted to know everything about her pregnancy, but also knew it would bring Kai to mind, so he was asking as gingerly as he knew how.
She thought she knew where he was going with it, so let him know, "The doctor cleared me to run it. I was only six months pregnant and had been running eight to ten miles a day anyway." She shot him a look that defied him to argue with her about it.
He nodded, "Oh…" He could feel the tension rise, so asked, "Did you make good time?"
She studied him for any trace of insincerity. Seeing none she replied, "I finished fifth overall and first in my age group." She told him with a hint of pride. "We finished in one hour and thirty minutes and forty-five seconds."
He nodded thoughtfully, "That's a seven-minute mile. Couldn't have been easy." He knew she was right, about one thing. He would have discouraged her from running even a half marathon, if he hadn't been foolish enough to send her away and try his plan.
She noted wryly, "It was easier than the full, that's for sure." Even though she was pregnant, Kai helped her cut her time from an eleven-minute mile to a seven-minute mile. And she actually felt great afterwards, not like after the full.
Then he changed topics abruptly, "Can I ask you a question about Jeddy?"
She shrugged, "Sure" Jeddy was asleep in the sling and she leaned her head down and rested her lips on his head and inhaled his scent. She loved how sweet he smelled.
He hesitated, "Umm, why didn't you have him circumcised?" He had wanted to ask from the first time he had changed Jeddy's diaper, but thought better of it at the time.
The question caught her off guard considering what the topic had been. She blinked a few times then stated, "Oh… Well… Since we didn't want to know if we were having a boy or a girl." She noted as an aside, "We agreed that it's one of the few true surprises in life." Then she continued, "We had talked about it in case I had a boy, but in the end, we decided not to. Kai wasn't, and it never caused him any problems. Why do you ask?" Her question was almost a dare.
He had to shake the image of Kai's uncircumcised penis out of his head before saying, "Well, since I am and in the future Jeddy's bound to notice, I just thought I should have an answer for him."
Her brow furrowed, "Oh, I don't think he'll notice that." Not her sweet baby boy.
He grinned, "C.J., guys notice that sort of thing about other guys."
"How… When would you even notice that?" She was bewildered. Unless they really did take them out and measure them when women weren't around.
His eyebrows raised, and his tone was leading, "Iiinnn the locker room?" He could see she still wasn't putting it together, "Guys have to shower in full view of other guys, so…" She raised an eyebrow, so he went on, "You try not to look, but that's the sort of thing that's bound to… stick out, as it were."
She slowly blinked while she pictured a locker-room shower full of naked men, then shook it off, "I don't know what to tell you, Houston. But you have plenty of time before the subject comes up. At least four or five years." She kissed Jeddy on the head, then she picked up her plate and went to the kitchen.
Houston smirked at her as she walked away, and was satisfied, for the moment, with the normalcy of their conversation.
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The next couple of weeks went about the same, he would venture a question hoping it wouldn't be the one that would set the progress they had made backwards, and she would always answer honestly. He found out about the first time she felt Jeddy kick, who her first client was, what her cravings were (hot dogs with sauerkraut and chocolate ice cream on top, which made Houston's stomach turn a bit), and so on. A couple of times he heard her crying shortly after a question or later in the night and he had to resist the urge to go to her. Then one night, as he was sound asleep, he heard, "HOUSTON! HOUSTON!" and he sat bolt upright in bed. He knew that tone in her voice. Something was terrifying her, and without another moment's hesitation, he was at her bedroom door in a flash.
She was holding Jeddy and he looked lethargic, her terrified gaze went to Houston. She rasped out, "He's so hot. He's not waking up."
Houston went and felt his head, then his back, and Jeddy was on fire. Houston put his emotions about the situation aside and told her, "Okay, let's get him to the hospital." He looked at what she was wearing; a loose fitting, spaghetti-strapped, blue and green nightgown that came to her mid-thighs. He knew at that moment she wouldn't care what she looked like, but he also knew how cold hospitals could be, so he suggested, "Go throw on some clothes while I hold him." She was reluctant to let go, but she finally did and dashed into the bathroom and towards her closet.
While she was getting dressed, he quickly carried Jeddy to his room, laid him on the bed, then tossed on shorts and a t-shirt and grabbed a jacket. He met C.J. at the front door and she sat in the back with Jeddy in his car seat. Since it was 2:30 in the morning there was little traffic on the road and they were at the ER in under 20 minutes. As the doctors worked quickly, Houston and C.J. could only watch helplessly. Her last trip to a hospital was when Kai died, so she tried to hold it together but her tears wouldn't stop. The on-call pediatric doctor barked out questions and C.J. replied in between sniffles. Reflexively, Houston put his arm around her shoulder and she put her arm around his waist. Because Jeddy's temperature was 105.5 and they couldn't get him to cool down, the doctors wheeled Jeddy back to do a spinal tap, and a nurse guided them to the waiting room.
C.J. found she couldn't sit down, her body wanted to run and be with Jeddy, so she had to stand, and Houston kept an arm around her. She finally whispered, more to herself than to anyone in particular, "If he doesn't make it, I won't survive it."
Houston gently guided her face to look at him. He assured her, "He'll be fine, C.J. Babies get sick like this all the time. We're gonna have to trust the doctors. Okay?" Deep down it terrified him to hear her say something like that. He wrapped her up in a hug, and she let him. It felt good to be able to hold her again, but he reminded himself that it may not last.
What seemed like five hours later, but in reality was about an hour later, the nurse came out to get them and take them back to the PICU room they had Jeddy in. He was in a crib that was elevated so that the nurses wouldn't have to bend down to do what they needed to do. It had metal bars and his four-month old body looked so tiny lying there all hooked up to wires and the IV. They had splints on his arms so that when he woke up he wouldn't be able to pull at the tubes and wires. Dr. Yao, the on-call pediatric doctor, came in and told them, practically in one breath, "We won't know the results of the spinal tap for several hours, so until then we're giving him some IV fluids and Tylenol to bring down his fever. I don't want to alarm you, but he did have a seizure right after the procedure. It was most likely caused by the fever, but we're sending neurology up to have a look at him and they may want to do an EEG just to be certain."
C.J. blinked a few times while she processed what he said, then asked, "What about antibiotics?"
He sighed, "Until we know for certain if this is viral or bacterial, there's no reason to start antibiotics. If it's viral, they won't do anything to help, so it's best to wait and see." He looked at the chart, "I see you're nursing him, if you need to pump one of the nurses can set you up for that. Do you have any other questions?" The couple looked at each other, then back to the doctor, "No? Okay, if you do just let me know. I'll be here until seven, and hopefully the results will be back well before that. When they come back, I'll go over them with you, okay?"
Houston stuck out his hand, "Thank you doctor. We appreciate it." Then after shaking Houston's hand, and with a nod, the doctor left the room. Houston looked at C.J., "Why don't you stretch out in that lounge chair over there? Get some rest?" She looked exhausted.
She was holding onto the bars of the crib, staring at her baby, then she lowered the side of the crib and adjusted his hospital gown, checked to see if he needed a diaper change, then rubbed his head. He wasn't quite as hot as before, and she was grateful for that. She shook her head, "No, I'm fine here. What if he wakes up and I'm not right here?" she breathed, "My baby will be so scared." So that's where she stood for the next two hours, only moving to allow the nurses and neurologist to do what they needed to do, and to pump.
At six the doctor came in and gave them the good news, it wasn't meningitis. There was an audible sigh of relief from both of them. The nurse came in and noted that Jeddy was developing a rash on his hands and feet, after a quick look in his mouth the doctor proclaimed, "We have a winner. This looks like Hand, Foot and Mouth disease; a very common childhood illness. It just hits some a bit harder than others. We'll watch him for the rest of the day to make sure his temperature stays down, because neuro called and said that it did look like a febrile seizure, but so long as his fever stays down and he doesn't have another, we'll probably release him this evening."
C.J. had so many questions, but her main concern was his eating, "Dr. Yao, he's missed two feedings already. I'm…" she almost burst into tears. She could feel that her milk was about to let down again.
He put a hand on her shoulder and reassured her, "He is clearly a well fed and robust infant. He'll be fine. When he wakes up, he'll probably be ready to eat then, so don't worry."
Then she asked, "How did my son get this? He's not in daycare." She recalled that Melissa's kids got it from their daycare. She was starting to question her own parenting skills.
"He hasn't been near any other children?" Parents always thought their kids weren't near other children, when they usually had been. Even a trip to the store could have them coming in contact with all kinds of germs.
Houston reminded her, "When we had the barb-a-cue, there were a lot of cousins running around. He probably got it from one of them." That seemed plausible to him, but he didn't expect her reaction to his statement.
C.J. frowned, her temper flared and she shot him a look, "Are you blaming Kai's family?" Her tone was sharp and accusing.
Houston's eye widened when he realized his misstep. He firmly asserted, "No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we can't keep him in a bubble. He was going to get sick sooner or later."
Dr. Yao agreed, "Your husband's right."
Quicker than Houston would have liked, she shot him a look and spat out, "He's not my husband." Houston's jaw clenched and unclenched. She narrowed her eyes at Houston.She wasn't sure why it angered her so much, but it did.
The doctor sensed the tension rise in the room, said, "Oh, okay." He had just assumed that they were husband and wife, he brushed it off with, "So, I'll check back in before I leave." Then he beat a hasty retreat out the door.
Houston started to say something, but Jeddy stirred with a little snort and started crying. C.J. leaned into the crib and gave him tiny kisses on his cheek and forehead, she crooned, "It's okay, my baby. It's okay. Mama's right here."
Nurse Daichi Higashi came in and asked, "Do you think you can nurse him, or should we get your milk from the fridge, so you can give him a bottle?"
C.J. briefly looked away from the now wailing Jeddy, "My son won't take a bottle. We've tried, but…"
Diachi smiled, "Nothin's as good as Mama. Okay why don't you sit in the lounger and we'll see how it goes." She began adjusting the wires and tubes so he could be shifted over to the chair.
Jeddy's crying made her milk let down, and she had to lift up her shirt and pull down her camisole rapidly, but once he was in C.J.'s arms he latched on quickly, and he one side before falling asleep, so she had to pump the other side.
Diachi was helping to hold the breast cup with the bottle attached because C.J.'s arms were trying to hold Jeddy and the wires so they wouldn't rest on his face. Then she heard the code blue signal. She motioned for Houston to come over, "Here, you hold this and I'll be back as soon as I can." Then she was out of the door like a shot.
As he took the chair Nurse Higashi had been sitting on, he tried to look away and not stare at her breasts. It was the most intimate they had been in well over a year, and it felt odd to both of them, so they didn't make eye contact or speak. C.J. kept her gaze on her son, and tried to block out how close Houston was, because the magnet started to hum, and she hoped that Houston couldn't sense it.
Houston, meanwhile, had to fight the overwhelming urge to kiss her, and not a friendly kiss, but a deep, intimate, about-to-round-third-base-and-slide-into-home kind of kiss. The kind of kisses they shared the weekend they conceived their son. He looked away, and told himself, "She doesn't think of you like that. Not anymore. Did you hear her tone when she told the doctor you're not her husband? You have a long way to go before she feels that way about you again. If ever." And it made him a little sad.
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It took almost full week for Jeddy to recover; his eating had been off because of the sores in his mouth. C.J. spent many sleepless nights walking the floor with him. He wanted to eat, but it hurt so he would stop, but he was still hungry. The afternoon that the sores were almost healed, he ate and then fell asleep. Houston offered, "C.J., why don't you go get some sleep. I'll watch him." That whole week Houston tried to help out with Jeddy, but he only wanted her to hold him, and would squall non-stop if Houston held him.
She shook her head, "No, he's gonna be hungry again soon." She knew he would be ready to eat in less than an hour; not enough time for a good nap anyway.
He tried again, "Then go soak in that big tub you've got in your bathroom. I'll call for you when he wakes up."
She conceded, "That does sound nice. Are you sure?"
"Of course, I've got this. You go enjoy a soak." So she carefully handed Jeddy over to Houston.
"Thanks," she said, then went into the bathroom through the door from the lanai. She filled the spa tub with water and bath salts, and once it was filled, she slipped into the tub. The warm, swirling, lavender scented water, felt heavenly on her aching back and shoulders. A sick Jeddy was fine in the sling, but only if she were walking around. The second she sat down; he would begin to cry all over again. Houston tried to help, but Jeddy wanted no part of him. All of her muscles were finally relaxed when she woke with a start, she realized she had fallen asleep. Then she heard it again; Houston was yelling. Quick as a fox, she was bounding out of the tub, grabbing her robe, but not bothering to tie it, and out on the lanai. "What's wrong?"
Houston was holding Jeddy, and his face was contorted in pain, and he yelped, "He's latched on and I can't get him off!"
It was then that C.J. saw the position Jeddy's head was in. He was trying to nurse on Houston. She went to them and gently broke the latch with her finger, then Jeddy started to wail. She cradled him, not noticing that her robe had fallen open and was giving Houston an eye full, when she turned and walked over to one of the loungers. She sat down, adjusted her robe, and settled Jeddy into nursing, then smirked at Houston.
Houston, who was alternating holding his nipple, and looking at it for damage caught C.J.'s smirk. He couldn't believe she could think that this was amusing so snapped, "It's not funny, C.J.! It hurts!"
This proclamation made C.J. laugh out loud, something she hadn't done in months. She chortled, "Oh, stop. You're being a bigger baby than he is."
He was offended, "I am not! That hurt! You don't know…" Then his words fell away as he saw her eyebrows raise.
She tried to contain her mirth, but couldn't stop giggling. She managed to get out, "When he's sucked on your nipples often enough that they crack and bleed, then get back to me," before bursting out laughing again. She looked down at a wide eyed Jeddy, and said in a stage whisper, "He's bein' a baby."
Houston mumbled, "Am not bein' a baby," as he walked into the house to go look in the mirror for a second opinion on how bad it was.
She shot back, "Are to!" Then she giggled some more.
As soon as he knew he was out of her line of sight, he paused and closed his eyes, savoring the sound of her laughter. He hadn't heard in ages, and sent up a quick prayer that this was a turning point for them.
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A few days later they made a plan to go over to the other island to spend the week of Thanksgiving with the families. C.J. had gone for a walk with Jeddy, then was sitting at the table on the lanai with Jeddy in the sling, planning what she was going to cook for her part of the meal. She heard something drop on the floor in the living room and looked in to see Houston walking back to his room. She stood and walked into the house to see a suitcase by the door.
Panic set in as she thought he must be leaving her to go back to LA. She tried to think of anything she might have done or said that would send him packing, but nothing came to mind. In fact, after what would be forever referred to as "the latching incident", she had relaxed quite a bit around him and was enjoying his company again. She walked into the guest room, saw him moving about in the en suite and she went to the door.
He caught her reflection in the mirror as he packed his shaving kit. "Hey, C.J., I have to go. Will called and Uncle Roy is in the hospital. It doesn't look good."