As these chapters are on the short side decided to upload together ready for a lazy Sunday.
Chapter 13
SPOV
I knew I hadn't slept well, again. I was so fed up with how the dreams made me feel so frightened and vulnerable, but I just didn't know what to do to make them go away. Having Ranger with me helped to draw me out of them but I hated him seeing me so weak and having to constantly wake up to my screaming. That he was there, helping and supporting me, gave me some strength and maybe a little hope, but I still wasn't sure if what he was saying to me was from pity or worry or even maybe guilt.
Who on earth would want me now, I was damaged in more ways than one? I felt that what had been done to me physically was still eating away at me. Plus, those feelings I had inside of me that kept creeping to the surface, being afraid and feeling anxious were wearing me down. No, I wasn't sure I could cope with any of that, let alone allow the people around me have to put up with my moods.
I wanted to say the words of love to Ranger but every time I tried they would catch in my throat, it was almost as if saying them out loud would jinx me, bring everything tumbling down around me and at the moment I didn't feel secure enough for that to happen. I felt as though I was walking through quicksand that could drag me down.
Yesterday had been hard as the day wore on. I knew Ranger had stayed with me and in some ways that made me feel guilty. I didn't know what to say to him and I felt myself withdrawing from him, I didn't mean to do it, but couldn't seem to stop myself.
I knew Ranger had got up earlier, he'd woken me to tell me that he had some work to do and needed a session in the gym. I also knew I wouldn't be alone in the apartment, and there it was again, me taking from people. Even Ella was trying to help me out. I did enjoy her company as we made that first meal, but I felt that doing the same with Ranger was quite stressful, as though he was waiting for me do something wrong.
That made me think about my family, how my mother would be coping with everything, especially the gossip that breaking up with Morelli would have brought. I hoped that she wasn't drinking or ironing but with the gossip, I wasn't too sure what she'd be up to. Seeing my Dad, though, that had helped and for some reason he seemed to like Ranger. My Dad had never really expressed an opinion on my friends, he seemed to just accept them, or maybe ignore them.
With a sigh, I turned and sat up thinking maybe the pain on my side wasn't as bad today, and then remembered that Bobby had said Ellery was calling in this morning. I put on a robe and went into the lounge to find Lester sat working on a laptop, he was so occupied with what he was doing he didn't hear me sneak up behind him but as I got closer I stopped in my tracks, staring at the images on the screen. I'm sure it was the sound I made behind him that had him quickly turning around.
"Shit Steph, I didn't want you to see these"
"Are those photos from when you found me?"
"Yeah"
I watched as he closed the lid and put the laptop down on the coffee table.
"Lester?"
"No Beautiful, you're not ready yet, maybe when you're feeling a bit stronger"
I nodded to him, understanding what he meant and to be honest I was glad he'd decided for me. I carried on into the kitchen and found that the coffee was still hot so poured some into a mug and added some cream and sugar then turned around with my back to the counter. I suppose I could wait to shower until Ellery had been, he would be here soon.
"You okay Beautiful?"
"Sorry Lester, I was miles away"
"What do you want for breakfast?"
"I'll just have some toast and jam. It's okay, I'll make it"
It would give me something to do and to be honest I didn't want to talk at the moment, I felt that I had nothing to say. Once the toast was done, I sat down at the kitchen bar and started to add some jam and then quietly started to eat it, not tasting what I was putting into my mouth and after only eating a mouthful I put the remainder into the bin.
I knew Lester was watching me and that made me even more nervous, why I wasn't too sure, so deciding I couldn't cope with his company anymore I retreated into the bedroom. I was laid down in my thinking position, all the things that had gone through my mind starting to swirl around in my head.
I was conscious of the door opening, shit I didn't want Lester in here so closed my eyes hoping he'd think I was asleep. I felt the bed dip and then felt feather-like kisses across my cheek and lips but instead of smiling, which is what I wanted to do I felt my eyes tear up. I didn't want to break down, but it seemed I didn't have much say in the matter. I felt as Ranger lay down next to me and pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly while my world fell apart, well what was left of my world. I could feel my tears soaking into his shirt, but I couldn't get them to stop. He just lay with me, holding me, trying to give me some of his strength through that strong silent way that he was so good at.
"Babe everything is going to work out, I promise"
"I can't see it Ranger and I don't know what to do"
"I'm right here with you Babe, we'll work it through together"
My crying jag seemed to run out of steam as I looked up into his face, surely, he would get tired of this, tired of how needy I was becoming.
"Babe you've been through hell, you're allowed to break down and feel out of sorts, you wouldn't be human if this didn't happen from time to time"
"I don't want it to be happening"
"Hey, I'm here just for you, however much you need, for as long it takes"
How did I ever deserve someone like him, or was that it, I didn't deserve him? I clung tightly to him as though he were my whole world that I didn't want to let go of but feeling that maybe I should.
"Babe don't give up on yourself or us, I will do everything I can to keep you with me, to help heal the hurt you have, believe in yourself like I do"
All I could do was nod my head, could I get through this, could I survive and rebuild my life? In my heart, I knew I had to at least try. I heard a soft knock on the door and felt Ranger move to look toward the door.
"Babe I think Ellery is here, are you okay to see him?"
"Yes, will you stay with me?"
"Of course"
I watched as he got up from the bed and walked over to the door, a few words were said before Ellery walked into the room. I pulled myself to sit up on the bed against the pillows and tried to put on a smile for him.
"Morning Stephanie, I wanted to see how you were doing"
I wasn't too sure why Ellery was here. My ribs were feeling better and the bruises were slowly fading.
"I'm fine"
"Bull shit"
My eyes shot open wide as I looked up into his face, shit he wasn't smiling so hadn't been trying to have a joke with me.
"I am"
He sat on the side of the bed and put his hand over to the other side of my legs and then leaned forward, so he was close to me. To be honest I didn't like how close to me he was and did my best to try and squirm away from him.
"I can see it in your face and especially your eyes. Do you feel like you're sinking slowly?"
I nodded, dropping my gaze away from his face.
"Stephanie what you're feeling is perfectly normal, someone took advantage of you and hurt you. They took something from you and I'm not talking about how they hurt you. I'm talking about your emotions, how you are feeling"
"I don't know how to feel"
"Then maybe you need to talk it through with someone"
"How will that help?"
"It allows you to find that something you've lost"
I had no idea what he was suggesting, I mean how did talking about anything change what had happened?
"Stephanie we can't change what happened, but we can rebuild from it. Do you want your life back?"
I nodded my head but knew the tears were starting to flow again, I knew that maybe he was right, but I just couldn't see a way past how I felt.
"Stephanie, you helped me find the brother I'd lost. Let me help you. I've arranged for a friend of mine to see you, she's really keen to meet you and she wants to help you"
"Another doctor?"
"Yes, but she's special, just like you"
I smiled at that and lifted my head to look at him acknowledging that he was referring to how I had helped him and Bobby. I knew I was sinking into a bottomless pit of despair. Ranger was always there for me along with Ella and the men who I saw as friends, but I couldn't continue to constantly take from them. I needed to help myself, I knew only I had the power to do that.
"Okay, I'll give it a go"
"Good, now lay down so I can check out your ribs"
I liked Ellery as a person even though he was a doctor, he was kind and thoughtful but I'm sure he didn't suffer fools easily. I thought back to how Bobby had felt about his brother and for once it occurred to me that maybe I had helped them to heal the void between them.
Bobby had wanted to go to a conference where his brother was the guest of honor but felt out of place going. His brother was older than him and had become a very successful doctor. Ellery constantly criticized Bobby for not following in his footsteps and thought the job at Rangeman was a joke. I'd been determined to try and mend the differences between them. I'd found the diner where Ellery frequented on his own and had struck up a conversation with him. I'd never mentioned any names but had spouted about this guy I knew who I was friends with. After three meetings Ellery had suggested that this guy sounded like an amazing man, so I'd told him that it was Bobby. To say Ellery was shocked was an understatement and I could tell from his demeanor that he was embarrassed.
Ellery had never considered that how he treated Bobby was why they never spoke. I went with Bobby to the conference, hell, I was bored to death and didn't understand anything that was being talked about. When Ellery sought Bobby out during the lunch break, I left them to it, hoping that between them they could settle their differences. I never told Bobby what I'd done and hoped that Ellery hadn't either. Bobby was so grateful that I had gone with him to the conference and my involvement was never spoken of again.
Once Ellery left, I saw that Ranger had been just inside of the doorway, he'd been there when I'd asked him to, but I wasn't too sure what he'd heard. I watched as he walked over to the closet and brought two bags out, putting them by the door. Was he waiting for me to tell him what happened, probably, that seemed to be his way of getting information from me.
For some reason I was feeling antsy and had no desire to speak. I got up from the bed and walked past him into the bathroom, turning on the shower to allow it to warm up. As I took off the robe and then the shorts and T-shirt, I looked down at my body, beyond the yellow and black bruising. I'd lost weight and looked thinner than usual, was that how I wanted to see myself, I mean I always thought I carried too much weight. I hadn't eaten any desserts or cakes recently, so maybe this was how I should look. I stepped into the shower relishing the feel of the hot water, then I started scrubbing at my skin to get it clean, I wanted to get rid of the feel of that man hitting me and the memories that were plaguing me.
I didn't realize anyone was with me until I felt the water stop raining down and then felt a soft towel around me and arms holding me up as I collapsed trying to draw breath into my lungs.
What seemed like hours later but was probably only a few minutes my breathing became easier and I could hear Ranger's voice and feel him wrapped around me.
"I'm sorry"
"Babe, it's okay, everything will be okay"
"I'm sorry"
"You have nothing to be sorry for"
We were still in the bathroom with me sat curled into Ranger's lap while he had his back against the wall. I could feel that Ranger was soaking wet, but he never complained, and he didn't try to move, he just stayed holding me tightly.
"I love you, Babe, so much it hurts sometimes, especially seeing you hurting so much"
"I talked with Ellery, he, err, asked me to meet someone he knows"
"Will you?"
"Yeah, I know I can't manage with these panic attacks and feeling scared, will you?"
"I'll be there with you if you want me to be, you just have to ask"
"I'd like that"
"Do you still want to go away for a few days?"
"Yes"
Maybe a change of scenery would help me to sort through all of the thoughts and emotions running through me. I knew I wanted to get better, to regain some control, so knew I had to try really hard for that to happen. As Ranger stood, he took me with him and walked through to the bedroom sitting me down on the bed. Then proceeded to bring out clothes for me to wear.
It was like déjà vu as he stood me up with the towel still wrapped around me and held out some panties for me to step into followed by a pair of joggers, pulling each of them up and over my hips.
"Turn around"
I did as he asked and saw a bra that he was holding in front of me, waiting for me to slip my arms through the straps. I dropped the towel down, being very conscious of how I looked. He fastened the clasp and then pulled a T-shirt, one of his, down over my head. I turned to him as he stood in front of me, who would have thought this man, this man of mystery, the badass mercenary could be so gentle and caring.
The last item of clothing was a large baggy sweater that fell to my hips. As I pulled the sleeves down, he held my face in his hands, looking intently into my eyes.
"You still look beautiful to me. Te amo querida"
Then he kissed me gently on my forehead, nose and lips, before taking my hand in his. As we passed through the lounge he shouted back at Lester.
"Santos bring the bags and make sure the apartment is locked up"
All three of us went down to the garage together, once there, Ranger helped me into the back of a Cayenne and then he and Lester rode in the front with Ranger driving.
As we pulled out onto the street, I noticed three other black SUVs follow us and watched fascinated as they would pass us, turn off the road or follow and how we were taking various turns so hopefully no one would be able to follow us. Ranger didn't use the main routes instead he used back roads.
Once we had left the built-up area of Trenton, I felt my eyes starting to get heavy until eventually I lay across the seat and allowed sleep to come over me.