Chapter 14: A blessing in comparison

Edward had not even taken the time to acquire more "respectable" lodgings as his mother had called them. The parsonage at Sotherton would be available to him in a few months and if his present errand went as he expected he would be staying near Exeter until then, not in London. He had packed up and ridden for Barton the morning after he signed the settlement documents. His reception at the cottage this morning had been warm and welcoming by Mrs. Dashwood and Miss Marianne. Elinor had been reserved in her welcome but she always was more reserved in company. They had celebrated his change in fortunes with a warmth no one else had. After that it had not been hard to get Elinor alone. Almost as soon as they had headed out walking with her sisters they had made their excuses to run ahead somewhere.

Edward stopped them in a small clearing off the path "Elinor, I need to confess something to you that you may find most surprising."

"If you mean your engagement to Miss Lucy Steele, she took the liberty of informing me when she stayed at Barton Park." Elinor took the hand she had placed on his arm when offered back, stepping away from him.

"I..she..I see. Well, you knowing that does make it somewhat easier for me to make you understand my actions when I visited you." Edward was thrown, he had played this conversation out in his head a hundred times on the trip from London. Elinor already knowing what was going on had not factored into it.

"Not really, it explained your reticence and distance. But it very much contradicted your visiting at all. It certainly did not explain your actions at Norland." Elinor responded.

He had expected her to be relieved to find him free of Lucy once he explained. Once again he tried to take the conversation back to the plan he had "You are right in that it was wrong of me to stay when I began to feel myself at risk. You have to understand, to have found everything that Miss Steele was not, to see a glimpse of what my life could have been with a wife of true understanding. I just kept telling myself one more day. That is why I have waited to approach you until I was sure all was set in my life, and not the second I was freed by Lucy marrying elsewhere. That is why I am now here. I want you to be able to...Well I want you to be secure should. I guess I am getting ahead of myself. Elinor, I have found you to be everything I could want in the future. Will you marry me?"

Elinor's demeanor softened as she responded "Edward, when we first met at Norland we spent much time talking about the world. Of our views on society and morals. I thought from our conversations that we were in agreement on important matters. Your actions in hiding your engagement, and avoidance of the problems that arose from it. Your denial of a problem in regards to your family's treatment of me. These actions show that we do not see the same on important matters. Thinking right on issues does nothing if you do not act upon those beliefs. While I appreciate your struggles these past months to be in a better place before approaching someone for marriage. I do not believe as I once did, that we would be a good match. I am fond of you, and will always think of you as a friend, but that is all it could be. I am not completely convinced that it was me specifically that you wanted. That you did not just fixate on the first person who had the characteristics you feared Miss Steele lacked. I would recommend not attempting to form an attachment until you can see someone for who they are without it being a comparison to her, or to me."

Edward tilted back on his heels as if slapped. In all his planning, in all his work to make this moment possible it had never occurred to him that Elinor would not say yes. Especially given the situation her family was in. He felt a flash of anger at her not seeing the honor of it. He immediately regretted it and began to color then, blushing at the thought. At assuming that she would fall at his feet thankful for anyone who could support her financially.

His expression must have shown much of his thoughts for Elinor's expression changed from one of friendly sympathy to a more closed off formality. The expression on her face was a much greater blow than her refusal. He had come to think of her as his closest friend and her and her family as his only true allies. To see her closed off to him, he realized while they had always been his friends, he had done little to return the friendship. While his actions had been neutral at least, he had looked down on them without meaning to. He saw their station as less than his own. While not to the degree his mother and sister did, to make them not worth notice, he was still guilty of the thinking she would be grateful for the chance at an "elevation". He was suddenly swamped with shame.

"I am beginning to see Eli.. Miss Dashwood that you may have a very good point. I really have not lived up to the principles that I claim to believe in. That is even more alarming considering the place I have just taken in the church. I am lucky to have friends that I can count on to set me back on the right path." Edward politely offered her his arm to continue walking.

Elinor, taking it for the olive branch it was meant to be, placed her hand on his arm and continued with him. "I hope our friendship can continue and we can always be honest with each other in such ways."

"I would not give it up for the world." Edward replied

Elizabeth had thought her father ridiculous to have caved to Lydia's want to go to Brighton just to avoid her tantrum. She now thought differently. Colonel Forster had come a few day prior to speak to her father and let him know of some circumstances that made him unable to have his wife travel with him to Brighton. She would be returning to his sisters home. After he left and the news was given to Lydia the household had been an explosion of screaming and crying. According to Lydia it was all lies and her chances were being sabotaged by everyone. In her mind the family needed to travel to Brighton so she still got to go. Even their mother could not seem to calm her. It really was unbearable.

Lizzy thought nothing of the news, assuming Mrs. Forster would likely be having a baby in the next half year and her husband did not wish it to happen in an army camp. The last few days had changed her mind. The officers had been seen less in town, despite their removal having been postponed for another fortnight. All social obligations were being refused and several of the senior officers were seen speaking gravely and quietly to tradesman and shopkeepers.

The one perk of Lydia's uncontrollable tantrums were that her mother had not had anyone over or been about town herself. Elizabeth's father had finally put his foot down, baring Lydia from leaving or anyone from entertaining guests until she was quiet. This meant her mother was not aware that Mr. Bingley had returned to town. He and Mr. Darcy had called on her father earlier in the week while her mother was laying down in the afternoon to calm her nerves. The ladies of the family had stayed in London so she was at least not required to return the call. Her mother would have been near as bad as Lydia if she found out that Mr. Bingley had returned while Jane was unavailable to throw back under his nose. Elizabeth was glad Jane was not around to be pressured by their mother. Elizabeth too had previously pushed for the connection believing that it would make Jane happy, but her letters recently had shown that her father's point about a firmer man might have been right. Jane had talked much of Mr. Bertram and the gentlemen of Mansfield. Elizabeth was happy for her.

Knowing Jane was happy and moving past the hurt from Bingley's desertion was one of her few constellations in the tumult of her home. She had taken to walking further and longer than was usually politely allowed. It was her only escape from the carrying on of her sister, the fights between Lydia and Kitty, the lectures of Mary and her mother's dramatics. She had walked nearly to Netherfield on an old riding path this morning for a change of scenery.

"You! I should have known. When I saw Darcy I should have known his attack dog would not be far behind. Did you come to try to ruin me worse than you already have. I know you both played a hand in it. So much for you keeping your mouth shut, I guess I no longer need to either, I am sure many would love to hear of Georgianna's willingness to see me unchaperoned." Elizabeth stopped hearing voices from up around the turn of the road. She stepped off the road. The nasty and vitriolic nature of the voice that was screaming making her afraid to be seen by the person wielding it.

"Do not flatter yourself. As if Darcy would need any help should he wish to squash you like the vermin you are. I waited until you were to have departed to come here. I had no wish to associate with the likes of you. Our arrangement was not violated. We agreed to pay for your next pathetic attempt at a beginning and not to call you to meet on a field of honor should you keep my cousin's name from your mouth and mend your ways. Slandering Darcy, running up debts you never intend to pay and meddling with the shopkeepers daughters is hardly keeping to that deal. And I dare you to even insinuate something about Georgianna. You met with her in her own visitor's drawing room with her companion in hearing range. Say otherwise and I would love to meet you with swords. I can think of nothing more pleasant than the thought of my blade through your guts and your blood dripping down my fist. You have already shook down this family for two careers. Darcy paid for you to go into the law in place of that living, he paid for you to have a new career that you clearly bought a commission with when your pathetic attempt to seduce a child for her money failed. It will not happen again." The voice Elizabeth heard return the nasty grating voice was clearer, and lacked the nasty sneer, but it did not lack anger. She knew she should sneak away from such a heated conversation but the curiosity was killing her. She knew the first voice but could not place it. She moved silently through the under growth of the trees dividing her path from theirs. She did not get close enough to gain their attention. The first man, the larger of the two, was a stranger, a man in a red coat.

She nearly failed to contain her gasp when the second turned to respond to him again and she made out the profile. It was Wickham. She could not believe it at first, the nasty sneer on his face so changing the countenance she knew. That is why she both recognized the voice and did not. The honey tones of the man were gone, only acid remaining. She could not believe it was the same man. Though she should have when Darcy and a living was brought up. She also now belatedly remembered that Georgianna was the name of Darcy's sister. The one Wickham had called cold and proud. "How is destroying my name within the regiment leaving me be. If I am to go down I will take her with me."

The larger man responded. "Again, I dare you. I never spoke your name. I heard from Darcy that you were up to your old behavior and warned the Colonel, a friend, that I knew some of his men and heard they were up to no good. If he found you to be at fault then you left loose ends for him to find. Knowing you with his own young wife. You like to blame us for your misfortunes but there is no one to blame but yourself. My uncle elevated you beyond your birth and gave you multiple chances to be more. Darcy has given you two more. Instead of taking this you throw it away bemoaning your lot at not being born the worthless son of some lord instead of the worthless son of his steward. At the end of the day you would still have nothing as you do nothing to deserve it. I should have saved the rest of the world some trouble and ran you through in Ramsgate. THIS. IS. YOUR. LAST. CHANCE." The man punctuated each word with a finger stabbed into Wickham's chest. " I even hear a word of you being anything other than an upstanding member of your regiment, living up to what your father was and you will find your throat slit some night leaving one of those charming establishments you like to whore and gamble at. Good day Mr. Wickham." With that the man remounted his horse and rode off toward Netherfield.

Elizabeth stayed frozen among the trees. Terrified at being heard even more so now that she was alone with Wickham. He spit on the ground in the direction the man had ridden off hissing like an angry cat. After a moment he shook himself looking around as if finally coming back to his surroundings. His face changing completely as if he pulled up a mask, returning to the sweet faced charming man she had known. Once he composed himself he walked off toward the direction of town and the camp.

Elizabeth stayed where she was barely even breathing for another quarter of an hour. Once she was sure she was alone she made for the direction of home. Trying to maintain her composure. Afraid of the man she had seen Wickham become. Also so very very confused. She had always prided herself on the way she read people. It was one thing to watch people you have always known and know their thoughts from their body movements and expressions. It would appear it was very different to judge men she did not know what their thoughts were.

Once she was safely back in her own gardens she calmed some. Not wishing to return to the house still so upset she wandered among the paths there eventually seating herself on an old swing. She felt like such a fool. When she went back over her interactions with Wickham it was so easy to see the duplicity and falseness of his words in comparison to his actions. She had believed all he had to say because he had pandered to her flattering her. She found it so easy to believe Darcy the villain. Why, because he did not find her worth dancing with. No, she knew when she really thought about it, it was that he said "not interesting enough" she had always considered herself smart and witty and interesting. It was her consolation for never being as beautiful as Jane was or as Kitty and Lydia were shaping up to be. Elizabeth had hated him for his pride because it had taken a shot at her one vanity. She could not really be mad now. It is hard to be bitter at someone not finding her intelligent when she had been so stupid. All of her father's comments about silly little girls seemed now to carry much more sting in retrospect. She wished Jane were here. Someone kind to cry upon, someone who would tell her she was too harsh with herself just as she was with others.

Foolish or not, she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself in the garden and return home. She did not want to do it, but her father needed to be informed of what she heard. She had left the house this morning thinking it was about time he caved and let Lydia return to going to town. Now she saw just what danger there was for her right here. Her father must be warned no matter how little she wished to admit to eavesdropping, and and how little she wished to admit to her own wrong opinions.

Fanny's wedding was in the morning. Tom knew his time with Miss Bennet was ending. He had talked with his father late last night explaining what he felt. Very much worried about disappointing him again, especially when they had just reached a point where his father seemed to respect him. He had been surprised when after he had poured his heart out to his father only to have Sir Thomas laugh and ask him if he thought his father simple. Confused, he said nothing and his father good naturedly explained that he would not have allowed Jane to stay for so long if he did not approve of her. Sir Thomas explained that Tom did not need fortune as his heir so long as he remained responsible and did not return to his previous lifestyle. As far as connections, Sir Thomas himself had seen the changes coming in their society and actually approved of the Gardiners. Miss Bennet had all of the things that had drawn Sir Thomas to his Lady, but with a more active spirit to direct her kindness. Sir Thomas had given not only his consent, but his enthusiastic approval to Tom's wishes.

It was now or never he kept having to remind himself for courage. Well maybe not never. It was now or he would have to follow her back to Longbourn. Unless he wished to try to propose at Fanny's wedding. He was afraid though. It had not even been a full year since he fell ill. What if he did not yet deserve her? What if he was not ready? Would he wake up tomorrow feeling his responsibilities like a manacle around his neck as he had when he first came of age? He did not want to marry just to shame her along with his family. But he did know the now or never feeling was not completely off. Someone like Miss Bennet would not wait for him, and he knew he would never find another to compare to her. It was time to put away his fear and insecurities. He knew this was what he wanted. Now he just needed to convince her.

He also needed to stop lurking behind this door watching her, she was sitting on the terrace book in her lap, and go out there before she saw him staring. Taking a deep breath, that he seemed to need to pull clear down to his toes, he walked out to join her.

She flushed a gentle rose color at the sight of him, smiling brightly "Mr. Bertram. I was just enjoying the last of your wonderful views before I head off tomorrow." she gestured around them to the sloping lawns.

He sat on the Bench next to her. Returning her smile. She looked at him and all his grand and practiced speeches were gone. All the poet's words Edmund had fed him fleeing as the sight of her smile struck him. He would have to do this simple as he was. "It need not be the last. They could be your views as well. Forever."

"Are you.." Jane asked in a whispery hopeful voice, almost as if afraid to speak aloud and have the moment escape.

He took her hand. "Absolutely. Miss Bennet, I would be forever blessed if you would agree to be my wife. I have never in my life encountered anyone who could begin to compare to you. If you say yes I will spend every day doing whatever it takes to make you happy."

Jane by this point was crying silently. Tom worried for a moment that this was not a good sign. Until she suddenly yelled "YES" abandoning her usual tendency to withhold her feelings, throwing her arms around his neck, her voice returning to a whisper. "A thousand times, yes. Forever." Tom embraced her back. All of the fears washed away as he pulled her close. He could never see her as a burden, never see a life with her as any but the blessing it was.