Lydia groaned when she heard a knock at her door at 3 AM on a summer morning. She dragged herself out of bed, knowing that she would be exhausted the rest of the day after this, but she didn't regret getting up when she saw who it was.

Spencer. Her mind ran a mile a minute: What was he doing there? Was it a relapse? Had he had a horrible nightmare? Maybe his last case had ended badly?

"What's wrong, Spencer?" she asked as she threw open her door, stepping out of his way automatically so that he could come in.

But instead of stepping around her, he mowed her down in a hug, burying his face into the top of her head. "Gideon hasn't been showing up to work, so I went to check on him," Spencer admitted, not letting go of her. "I figured he was at his cabin because after his friend died, he didn't like going home. But when I got there, the door was unlocked and he'd left his badge and gun and a letter."

Lydia shuffled away slightly so that she could close the door, then led him over to the couch. "Gideon's left? Do you think it's a 'I don't want to work here anymore' disappearance or a 'drop off the face of the Earth like Elle and I' disappearance?"

Spencer wrapped himself around her once more as soon as they were on the couch, pulling himself into her side like a child. "'Face of the Earth'," he replied. "His letter said he was looking for his faith in humanity again."

"Did you bring the letter?"

Spencer nodded, pulling it out of his pocket and beginning to read it outloud. He didn't need to look at it, given his memory, but having it in front of him felt more real.

"Spencer, I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. You must be frightened. I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain. And I also never envisioned writing this letter. I've searched for a satisfactory explanation for what I'm doing. All I've come up with is that a profiler needs to have solid footing. I don't think I do anymore.

"When my dear friend Sarah was murdered, it tore a hole in me. And I truly believed the way to handle the pain was to get back to our work as quickly as possible. Remember the first case we had after? It was on a college campus. Campuses are supposed to be places of life and excitement. They're supposed to be about the future, figuring out who you and who you're gonna be. They're supposed to be about dreams, not nightmares.

"In this line of work, I was afraid I would lose the ability to trust. But I've realized I can't really look at anyone without seeing their death. And as bad as losing faith in humanity seems, losing your faith in happy endings is much worse. Kids- they're so resilient. They trust and believe in a way I remember but can't reach anymore. Like a very old picture. You remember the circumstances with the feelings, the emotions, but they're just out of your grasp.

"What was I even doing there? How many times have I told you that a profiler cannot do the job if the mind is unfocused? My mind has never been more unfocused than it was on that campus. Was the world always this gray? Is it only in the movies that it's black and white? Is that just an illusion? I used to understand my place, my direction, where I was headed. Profiling requires belief- belief in the profile, belief in yourself.

"Hotch's suspension was the last domino. I said at the beginning of this letter that I knew it would be you to come up here. I'm sorry the explanation couldn't be better. And I am so sorry that it doesn't make more sense. But I've already told you, I just don't understand any of it anymore.

"Lydia kept telling me to worry about me and that's what I'm doing. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am for the way things ended between us. She was so brilliant and I couldn't understand why she didn't want to use her skills to help people, but now I realize that what she did wasn't running. She was protecting herself from the tragedy. If you can find her again, Spencer, hold onto her. I know how much you two cared for one another.

"I guess I'm just looking for it again. For the belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings. Jason."

Lydia kept holding onto Spencer as he finished shakily. She knew that this was difficult for him. Gideon wasn't just her mentor, he'd been Spencer's for many years before. And it hurt him not to be able to say goodbye.

"Gideon really thought you were powerful," Spencer mumbled, not looking up at her. "Before we hired you, he'd talk about your intuition and strength in Santa Cruz. When you left, he tried to talk to me about us, but I refused. But then again, that was probably all the proof he needed to know that I loved you. And I needed you back."

Lydia chuckled sadly. "That must be why he showed up at my apartment just days before you did. He knew we'd find each other once again."

"He showed up here?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah. Said he needed me to help you. The whole team was worried, to my understanding, but Gideon said I was the only person who you might talk to."

"He was right."

"He was right," Lydia agreed. "Hopefully in his heart he knows we're okay."

"Yeah." The stress of the day was beginning to weigh down on Spencer and he found himself drifting off to sleep on Lydia's shoulder. "Hopefully."

Lydia felt like a kid as she repeatedly put up, then took down her hair.

Spencer had promised to take her out to a nice dinner that night to celebrate her graduation. He'd felt extremely guilty about missing the ceremony, though she tried to tell him that it wasn't a big deal. When he got the case, he called her immediately to explain he might not be back in time, which is all she could have asked for.

But, nevertheless, he insisted on making up for it with food and who was she to argue with that?

Huffing, she brushed through her hair for the millionth time, telling herself that she'd just leave it down, though more likely than not she'd regret it in a few minutes and try to put it up again.

Luckily, Spencer arrived to put her out of her misery. She dropped the brush and ran to open the door for him.

Outside, he wore a button down and khakis, not much different from his usual outfit. His hair was getting long, something she'd pointed out to him on many occasions recently, which he just shrugged off, saying he'd get it cut eventually.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hi."

They stood there for a moment, staring at one another, as if waiting for the other to say something. Spencer was the first to break the silence.

"I didn't know you owned a dress," he admitted, teasingly.

As they ate, he told her about what had changed in the team. He was pretty sure Haley was filing for a divorce, but Hotch would never admit it. But the team could easily see something had changed when he stopped calling her everyday. Lydia wondered how Jack played into all of this. Hotch adored his son, but there was no way he could care for him as a single parent. Haley would get full custody, no doubt.

After her mother died, Lydia's father could barely manage his job and daughters. And certainly not his grief. They had that in common.

"How many days has it been since our first date?" she asked Spencer.

"413."

"And, how much do you remember about that night?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? I remember everything."

"Well… do you remember how you were feeling?"

"Terrified," he responded quickly. "I'd never- I didn't really do the whole dating thing. But I liked you so much and I was so scared I had misunderstood your feelings-"

"That's why I clarified," she laughed. "This is why I don't think you asked me out! If it was up to you, we'd never have started dating!"

"Actually, I think eventually it would have driven me crazy to just be friends with you. I mean, we broke up for just over two months and every time I saw you I wanted to scream about my feelings."

"I would love to see that," she joked. "But the reason I asked is just… I shared a lot with you that night. About my mom and stuff. And I feel bad for giving you a whole sob story on our first date, but… I've gotten so good at keeping secrets that I don't even think they're secrets anymore. Does that make sense?"

He shrugged. "Is this about us, or-?"

"No," she assured him. "I just mean… the team still has no clue about why I left. And I don't know why that is. I know they'd listen and understand, but I've gotten so used to avoiding it that this is just normal for me. I mean, how many questions do you have about my family?"

"A few," he said.

"I can't even remember what I have and haven't told you at this point," she admitted. "I'm not hiding, I promise. I won't be upset if you want to know something. But when I left the Bureau, I honestly thought that it was causing me to grow apart from my family and now I'm realizing that I didn't really know them to begin with."

"You lost me."

"My dad just got released from prison." She looked down at the table in front of her so that she didn't feel the need to profile his shock. "I know I didn't tell you that before. He'd gotten caught up manufacturing illegal drugs and selling them to nearby rings. He was never part of that scene, but when taking care of my sister and I got harder as a single parent, he wanted to have as much money to spare as he could."

She didn't expect Spencer to be totally okay with the idea. Her father had preyed upon people afflicted with addictions and mental instability and he was justly punished for it. But Lydia had forgiven her father. He had enough guilt as it was over the whole thing.

"That's why you lived with Sonia," was all he said.

"Sorry if you felt like I was hiding something from you. I was embarrassed to admit it, but you deserve to know."

It took him a few minutes to respond. "I haven't talked to my dad in 16 years. He sort of just… left me and my mom."

"I'm sorry about that. How much do you remember about him?"

Spencer hesitated. "Not as much as I remember about you, that's for sure."

Lydia nodded. "I wanted to have a better relationship with my father. And my sister, and Sonia, and the twins. I could probably come up with a dozen reasons why I left the Bureau and all of them would be people. They deserve more time from me than I gave them when I was a contractor. And if anyone in the BAU asks, you can tell them that."

"Lydia," he whispered, "if you missed your family, why are you still in DC?"

She blinked. It was a reasonable question. How much had she done since quitting to rebuild her relationship with her father? With her sister? "I don't know…"

Spencer got to work taking down crime scene photos as the team finished up a case in Denver. A team of two brothers who grew up in an abusive foster home and went around murdering families of four.

Knowing that the parents who had abused those boys were still taking in kids had shaken the whole team. Social services had promised to do an investigation on the family, but wouldn't take any of the kids into custody until they had reason to believe they were in danger. Frankly, no one was happy about the arrangement.

Then, there was the other girl. Out of all the families the brothers had killed, there had been one survivor. A teenager, named Carrie Ortiz. The poor girl watched them murder her family and still fought to help the investigation. JJ had tried to get in contact with her distant relatives, but so far, they'd heard nothing, meaning she was going to be sent to a foster home as well.

"I could take her," Emily offered as she and Hotch put the photos into files.

"Take her?" Hotch asked.

"Carrie. To DC."

"You mean, to live with you?"

"Yeah."

Spencer turned around as he listened to their conversation. It was an interesting idea, one he hadn't thought Emily would consider. He knew she'd taken a liking to the girl on the case, but it was a large commitment and clearly Hotch thought so as well.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"I have room, money, and, you know, she's smart. Two, three years, she goes to college."

"Prentiss," Hotch began. His voice was stern. "This is the job, and I need to know that you can be objective."

"And I need to know that I can be human," she argued.

There was a pause and Spencer turned back to his work, so that they wouldn't think he was eavesdropping.

"JJ heard from the family and they're on their way from LA," Hotch explained, finally.

"Oh." She was clearly disappointed. But she did her best to put on a smile and mumble. "That's… that's great."

He agreed, then closed up one of his case files and walked off.

Realizing the two of them were alone now, Spencer walked over to help Emily clean off the table some more.

"You know, you should consider talking to Lydia," he told her. "She lived in a foster home for a few years. She might be able to tell you more about it."

Emily blinked up at him, confused. "She did?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "She should probably tell you about it herself, but I think she'd be happy to know you were interested in taking kids in."

"It's just…" She tried to come up with a good way to explain herself. "With all these kids today- Losing your parents is such a difficult thing by itself. They deserve to go to loving people who will understand them."

Spencer nodded. "It was something that bothered her when she was working here, too. She wasn't ever a fan of leaving kids to social services. But again, she should probably explain that all herself."

Finishing up, he stepped away from the table and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Thanks, Reid."

"Anytime."

"You should really talk to Sonia about that, Emily," Lydia explained as she grabbed a snack from her kitchen. "She would love to hear that you were interested, but to be honest, I think adoption is a better route for you if you want to help kids who've been through some of the things you've seen on cases. In foster care, no matter how great you are at being a mom, there's still a chance that the kids in your care will be moved and end up in a bad household. I think it would be better if you just took them out of the system entirely. But, I'll send you my mom's number and you can call her and ask her all your questions."

"Thank you so much, Lydia. I don't think… If I do decide to do this, it won't be for a while. But when Spencer told me that you could understand Carrie's situation, I thought-"

"Of course." Lydia brushed away her worries quickly. "Knowing what it would entail ahead of time is super helpful. I'm not holding you to anything, if you change your mind. It can be challenging and your job is stressful enough as it is."

"True. I'd have to have to take in older kids. Ones who could be home alone for a few days."

"Or, you know, ones that could be home alone long enough for me to pick them up and take them to my place," Lydia offered.

"Seriously?" she chuckled. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course I would, Em. You'd be a great mom and I want you to have the opportunity to do that, even with your job. But, before we get ahead of ourselves, I'll send you Sonia's number."

"Thank you."

Lydia sent a text to Sonia, warning her ahead of time, before sending the number as promised. Then, she went back to her couch, where she was relaxing, reading a book.

A few hours later, she got another strange call, this time from Morgan.

She hadn't spoken to Derek in weeks. He'd been reasonably upset to find out that she wasn't going to explain why she'd disappeared on them. So, seeing his number, she figured it had to be important.

"Derek? What's wrong?"

His response left her speechless. "Your dad is in prison?"

What the hell? Spencer wouldn't have told, she was sure of it.

"Where did you hear that?" she mumbled, hesitantly.

"Garcia let it slip. She thought you'd already told me."

Nervously, Lydia started to spin her ring around her finger. She had just been speaking to Spencer about telling people This shouldn't have been so scary. "That's fine… and no, not anymore. He got released about a month ago."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Shakily, she took in a deep breath, knowing that there was more to his phone call than just shock. "Morgan, the last time we spoke, you were really angry with me."

"Was he the reason you left?"

He was not giving up easy. No, for some reason, he was fixed on the idea that her father being in prison was… well what did he think about it?

"I'm sorry that I left the way that I did, Derek. I'm so, so sorry. There were so many reasons for me to run at the time and I didn't think about why I should stay. So, yes, my father had something to do with it. I had spoken to him while I was in California and I just… the BAU had changed the way I looked at him and it confused me. But it doesn't excuse me being such an ass-"

"No, it doesn't," he agreed. "But Lydia, I didn't understand why you were hiding things. This… this I get."

"You get…?"

"I don't blame you for not telling me," he explained. "I wasn't lying when I said that I didn't care that you had disappeared all of a sudden. I honestly just hated the worrying. I hated not knowing. I know now. So, are we cool?"

Lydia paused. Most of the time when she got defensive, things ended badly. Somehow, ever since she got to DC, people just… understood her. Two years living on the east coast and it still threw her for a loop every time.

"Yes, of course. Although I never imagined that my father's criminal record would help me resolve fights. I always thought it would start them."

"I know, kiddo. But, to be fair, we get into the mindspace of serial killers. No one is going to hate your father for being a drug dealer for a little while."

"I might," she joked. But it wasn't really true. "And he wasn't a drug dealer, exactly. More like… knowingly aiding in the creation of illegal drugs and profiting off their sales."

"Whatever, kiddo. I know from first hand experience that your trust is hard to gain. If you trust him, I don't judge you for that."

It was weird to hear that. Mostly, because she didn't often see it that way. She thought that she was hiding her father's incarceration because they would look at her differently for it. But of course they wouldn't. Her father made that decision, not her. So perhaps, what she really thought was that they'd judge her for the fact that she still loved him. Despite his flaws.

But they didn't care about that either. They cared about her.

She really, really missed the team...