Author's Note:
Trigger warning for Finn's death. No details.
For anyone wishing to not read about the four weeks this chapter covers, which ends with "The Quarterback" episode – I've included a summary of this chapter at the bottom of the page.
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Tuesday afternoon, Kurt picked up the phone on his office desk. "Isabelle Wright's office. How can I help you?"
"Kurt?"
"Dad?"
"Yeah, it's me. I tried your cell, but it went straight to voicemail."
"Dad, are you crying? What's wrong?"
"It's Finn. There was an accident. He didn't make it."
Kurt dropped the phone. He fumbled and picked it back up off his desk. "Finn's dead?"
"Yeah, Bud." Burt couldn't speak through his sobbing. "You need to go home. Use your emergency card and buy a ticket. I love you, Kurt. I'll see you soon. I have to make arrangements too."
"I love you too, Dad." He hung up the phone. Other lines were ringing in. He ignored them and walked across the hall to Isabelle's office. He knocked twice on her open door.
She looked up. She got up and rushed over to him. "Kurt, what's wrong."
Tears streamed down Kurt's cheeks, as he stood frozen in place, crying silently. "Finn died. I have to go home."
"Come sit. I'll help you get a flight."
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Six hours later, Kurt came out of the Columbus airport. He moved down the sidewalk enough to get out of the way before he began to scan the area. He saw Sebastian wave to get his attention. He walked down to where his car was and put his suitcase and carry-on in the trunk.
"Thanks for picking me up."
"You're welcome."
Kurt appreciated Sebastian's willingness to just let him ride in silence.
Once they pulled up to the Hummel's, Kurt said, "Wicked was as amazing as I always thought it would be. Thank you for the ticket."
"I thought it was amazing too. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If you need a ride back to the airport or just need someone to talk to, give me a call."
Kurt nodded. "Thanks again." Kurt grabbed his stuff out of the trunk and walked up to the house. He waved as Sebastian drove off.
Carole opened the door before he made it across the porch. He stepped inside and let her pull him into a hug. He managed to push the door shut with his foot. They stood and sobbed, holding each other. Eventually Carole stepped back.
"I have a salad for you for dinner."
He nodded and followed her to the kitchen. He didn't really feel like eating, but he knew that it would make her feel better to see him eat. They didn't talk. Neither knew what to say.
Sam came back from work later that evening, just a few minutes before Burt arrived from DC.
He was the first of many that Kurt had to share the bad news with.
Burt and Carole sat together in Burt's office and called her family members.
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The next morning Carole's sister Alice arrived. The two of them and Burt left to work on the arrangements.
Kurt started a chicken vegetable stew in the Crock-pot and cooked some rice to have available to add to it whenever anyone decided they wanted something to eat. He began to clean the house from top to bottom, assuming that more of Carole's family, and probably Christopher's, would be visiting at some point over the following few days.
He showered and took a walk once he finished. He ended up at McKinley, sitting on the football bleachers staring out onto the field until he heard the final school bell ring in the distance. He texted Sam and asked to ride home with him.
After they got home, Kurt was given the task of coming up with what to serve for lunch the next day. He and Sam went to Sam's Club and bought several family-sized trays of lasagna and a variety of canned soft drinks.
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Late Thursday morning, there was a small family-only memorial service at a local funeral parlor. Carole had graciously invited Rachel, but she didn't make an appearance. Sam had lived with them long enough that he was included as family. The service was short and attended by about 25 people, all of whom came to the house for the family lunch.
Sam headed back to school. Kurt left with him since a lot of Carole's relatives had no interest in sharing a meal with him. He had Sam drop him off at the shop.
When Sam picked him back up, he mentioned that the New Directions wanted to have a memorial for Finn since they hadn't been able to attend the service that morning. Kurt nodded and mostly just listened to Sam without making any promises.
When they got back, Kurt said his goodbyes to Carole and his dad before Sam drove him to the airport in Toledo. He had to be back Friday because he had only managed to find people to work his shifts until then because despite not coming to Lima, Rachel managed to get people to take all of her shifts through the weekend before he had gotten a chance to start asking people.
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Kurt struggled back in New York. He was alone in the apartment. He spent his time not doing much more than contemplating life and death while working, going to class, and doing school work. He also rewatched all of the videos he had of Finn singing in Glee Club.
He was most sad that he had missed Finn's fun version of "I've Gotta Be Me" when he was at Dalton, but the song really spoke to him. He thought about how in the end, once Finn graduated, he had set out to figure out who he was apart from Rachel and the Glee Club and Lima. Ironically, he had figured it out while helping run the Glee Club in Mr. Schue's absence. He wanted to go to school in Lima to become a teacher.
Late Saturday afternoon, Adam stopped by at the end of his shift at the diner and brought a picnic dinner. They ate together at the apartment. He showed Adam the video of Finn singing. Adam stayed for a while, encouraging Kurt to tell him more good things he remembered about Finn. Adam left the remainders of what he had brought in the refrigerator, hoping that Kurt would eat them.
Kurt played the video one more time after Adam left and decided that he needed to kick some life back into himself. He went out and came back with a narrow line of tattooed text on the inside of each wrist. The tattoo artist had done it in Kurt's own very neatly printed handwriting, exactly as Kurt had written it on a sheet of paper. On his left wrist, it said, "FREE TO BE ME. NO LIMITS." And on his right wrist, it said, "DEFY GRAVITY. LEAP AND SOAR."
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The following Friday evening, Kurt found a post-it note on the door to the apartment.
I'm here. –S
Kurt called out as he closed and locked the door behind him. "Sebastian?"
"Yeah, I'm in my room, unpacking."
"This is a surprise."
"You like surprises."
"That's true."
"I felt like a weekend in New York City could melt away my little town blues."
Kurt chuckled. "That's possible." He leaned against the doorframe. "Thanks for all of the texts."
"You're welcome."
"I did actually do quite a few of them this past week. I took a walk at lunch a couple of times. I went to that library and studied there for a while. It all helped. I didn't manage the watch the sunrise at Central Park idea yet though. It seemed more like something to do with someone. I'm not sure that I'm keen on hanging out in Central Park in the dark by myself."
"Well, there's always tomorrow morning or Sunday. I'll go with you."
"Sure. Besides Adam coming over once by basically following me home from work, it's just been me. I take that back. I invited Santana over one evening after our shift. She and I had a long talk."
"Good, I hope?"
"Yeah. We're good. She has a lot of regrets. I know you can understand to a small extent, but multiply your three months of pseudo-villainy and raise it several levels of meanness and multiply it times six years or so."
"That's hard."
"It is, but she's going to start seeing someone I think. But I've worked enough hours to compensate for leaving again the end of next week and I've worked ahead on my assignments, so as long as I can keep to the schedule I've made I'm all set. So there's that."
"There is that." He took the last thing out of his suitcase and put it in the closet. "I brought all of my winter clothes with me. I figured if I was making the trip for fun, I'd do something useful too. I don't really own that many winter clothes. I had my growth spurt in Paris. And I've been at Dalton both winters since I've been back."
"We could go shopping."
"You'd take me shopping?" Sebastian looked shocked.
Kurt teasingly winked at him. "I would and it would improve your wardrobe immensely – if you agree."
"I already have a style in mind."
"Please tell me it's something besides frat boy wannabe."
Sebastian laughed. "Maybe. You'll have to go with me to find out."
"How will I know where to take you if you don't tell me ahead of time. Plus, I have to actually see your winter wardrobe before we go."
Sebastian motioned Kurt towards his closet. "Feel free."
Kurt stood back upright and took the few steps it took to reach Sebastian's closet. He slid the door to the side and stepped in. "These all look like they belong to your dad." He pulled a couple of the shirts out and looked at them. "The only exceptions are the rugby shirt you wore to Scandals and the Dalton hoodies. Oh, and this green sweater is nice."
"That's why I need new winter clothes," he deadpanned. "My mom bought them. She's used to buying for my dad obviously. I think she also assumed that I would 'fill out' at some point, but that part never happened."
Kurt looked through them to see that they were all Ralph Lauren in solids, all the same size and style. "They're identical. Put one on so I can see how it fits."
Sebastian unzipped the Dalton hoodie he was wearing and slipped it off, revealing a Dalton t-shirt underneath. He grabbed one of the shirts and put it on. "How's Adam doing?"
"He's still auditioning for parts."
"He didn't get that one he auditioned for when I was here before?" Sebastian finished tucking the shirt in and did a little turn for Kurt.
Kurt shook his head, while smiling at Sebastian's antics. "They didn't think his American accent was convincing enough. I think the mistake he made was not using it from the moment he walked in. His American accent is just fine." He stepped closer to Sebastian to see what he could do.
"That's too bad. What happens if he doesn't get a role?"
"His student Visa will expire and he'll have to go back to England."
"I see. I hope he gets one soon then."
"This is just too big. You need a slim or modern style in a 34/35 sleeve."
Sebastian put his suitcase in the closet and put the shirt back on the hanger. "Have you had dinner yet?" He grabbed his hoodie and hung it up as well.
"No."
"I ordered some groceries to be delivered. I had just finished putting them away before I came in here to unpack. Do you have time to cook with me? If you don't, you can still eat with me."
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They worked together mostly in a calm silence and didn't really talk as they ate, but Sebastian counted it as a win just getting Kurt to stay with him for an extended period of time instead of retreating to his room.
While they ate, Sebastian spent time thinking. Over the three weeks since he had been back in Ohio, he had watched the whole first season of Downton Abbey. He internally shook his head at himself realizing how much time he had put into it just so that he could enjoy watching new episodes with Kurt.
After the funeral, he had texted Kurt a few times a day. Never having been through anything so heartbreaking, he wasn't sure what to do. He did the best he could to be supportive without becoming an annoyance. Kurt had barely responded to the texts and when he did, they had been simple one or two word responses. He didn't get the impression that anyone was doing much to support Kurt in what he was going through. The fact that Adam had only managed to get Kurt to do something with him once spoke volumes for how much Kurt had isolated himself.
His mind came back to the present when they had both finished eating. He persuaded Kurt to watch the second episode of the second season of Downton Abbey with him before he ran off to shower and went back to working on a costume for one of his classes.
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Saturday morning, Sebastian awoke to the pre-dawn alarm he had set. He got up quietly and got dressed. He opened his door to find Kurt wearing sweats, sitting on the couch staring at a picture frame that had a photo of both him and Finn in their graduation robes.
Sebastian sat down beside him. "That will be me soon. Six more weeks. But before then I have seven AP exams to take. And several papers to write and a couple of projects."
"That's a lot of AP exams."
"Well, I took five last year. If I get fives on the seven that I'm taking this year, I'll get credit for 12 classes, which is the equivalent of one year of college, so I'll graduate when I originally would have."
"That was really good planning on your part. I did some education related research as well over the last week. NYADA accepts up to 24 credits from other universities towards the general education courses. Provided that Miss July sees fit to give me a grade that will allow me to get credit for the first level, I'll be caught up in dance. This summer, I'm going to take a vocal technique course and the next level of costume design. In addition to those, I'm going to take four classes at one of the CUNY branches. It will save me a ton of money. And the idea of going to school with some new people seems like an interesting opportunity. I'll take three classes during each 7-week sessions."
"So, you'll be in school all summer?"
"I get a week after school ends, Fourth of July week, and one week between the end of the second session and the beginning of the fall semester."
"I guess that's better than no break."
"It is. I'll have sophomore standing and I'll be able to move ahead to Advanced Costume Design in the fall. I'm hoping that by taking the core courses this summer and next, I can end up with a double major by taking the costume design classes needed for a major. It would open up my opportunities after graduation. And the tuition is a lot lower per credit hour at CUNY. I'll be able to graduate on time by doing the summer classes too, which would allow me to start job hunting seven months sooner. "
"Sounds like you've been getting a lot of things straightened out. I was actually wondering if you wanted to go watch the sunrise with me. We can still make it if we leave now."
"Okay."
They spent the 20-minute walk to Central Park in a companionable silence. They crossed into the park at 106th and walked to the Great Hill area and sat down facing east. Once the sun had illuminated the whole area, Sebastian got up.
"There's this place I love. Let me show you?" Sebastian led them to the waterfalls.
Kurt could hear the water before he could see where the sound was coming from. Once they got closer, his eyes lit up. "It's so peaceful. It's far enough into the park that a lot of the traffic is muffled just by the trees, but now that we're close enough to hear the water, the noise of the city is gone." He sat down on a rock and closed his eyes for a few minutes. Tears streamed down his cheeks.
Sebastian sat next to him in silent support. He stayed seated when Kurt got up and walked around the area and waited there until Kurt was ready to leave.
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Later that evening, after Kurt got home from his double shift at the diner, they made dinner together again and watched another episode of Downton Abbey before Kurt showered and did more schoolwork again. Sebastian refrained from bringing up how he was still working himself into the ground, despite his previous assertion that he was going to enjoy living a little. He went back to studying in his room as well.
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Sunday morning, Sebastian got his first taste of Kurt's lemon blueberry poppy seed bread.
"Oh, my God, Kurt. This is the best bread ever. I want to eat this for breakfast every day for the rest of my life."
Kurt smiled and chuckled. "I'll give you the recipe."
"I never knew I'd like blueberries in it, but it's perfect." Sebastian resisted the urge to gobble the whole piece down and intentionally took smaller bites to enjoy it longer. "What are your plans for this morning? An early shift at the diner?"
"Actually, I had decided to give myself a break today. I was going to go out to my favorite flea market. You could join me." He looked away. "It's probably not your kind of thing. That's okay."
"I can't say whether it is or isn't because I've never been to one here, but I'm willing to give it a chance."
"There's actually a couple of high-end resale shops in the area that open early because of the flea market. You could take all those Ralph Lauren dress shirts and sell them. You could use the money to buy a few gently used shirts that fit and you actually like."
He nodded and put the last bite of bread in his mouth. He got up and put his coffee cup in the dishwasher. "I'll go fold them up and put them back in my suitcase with my school books. I'll need to head to the airport after our shopping excursion."
Sebastian got to witness Kurt come to life as they made their way through the vendors. Kurt picked up a small painting. He also found some vintage curtains, which Sebastian liked and paid for.
With a bit of cajoling, Sebastian managed to get Kurt to agree to let him buy him lunch before they went their separate ways. They stood together on the sidewalk after they had finished eating.
"So, did your trip chase away your little town blues?"
"Most definitely. I'm the newest flea market convert. I had a great time."
"I'm glad you came too. It was a nice surprise."
Kurt waved as Sebastian left in a taxi for the airport. He took the curtains home with him and worked on altering them to the right size for the windows in the apartment while he listened to the soundtrack from Wicked.
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The following Thursday afternoon, Kurt arrived in the choir room in the suit he had worn to the funeral. As he looked through the music they were going to sing as a memorial, he tried to grasp the finality of it all. He struggled with how three weeks had already passed, yet only now that they were together without Finn did it finally feel real. He focused on the music, pushing away the tears. They moved to the auditorium and sang out "Seasons of Love" to an empty audience. Only Rachel hadn't come.
That evening at dinner, Carole told him that they had accepted the offer on the house. They had already found a much smaller place closer to the shop, a 3-bedroom ranch with 2.5 baths. They were taking the two rooms with the shared bathroom to use as their bedroom and office. The bedroom with its own bath would be their guest room. She had quit her job and planned to travel back and forth the DC with Burt.
The rest of the evening was a blur as the three of them went through Finn's room. There were tears, hugs, and many stories told. Kurt kept the football from the only game they had won sophomore year. The whole team had signed it like they had won the Super Bowl. He also kept one pair of Finn's favorite drumsticks. He took the framed photo of Finn and Puck in their zombie makeup and another set of drumsticks to give to Puck. He put another set with Finn's letterman jacket to give to Rachel. And he kept a final set of drumsticks to give to Sam.
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Kurt got up before dawn the next morning to go through what he had left behind when he moved to NYC. He put the boxes to donate in the back of Burt's truck. When Carole got up, he helped her finish going through Finn's room and put those boxes in the truck as well. Afterwards, he went to the small storage unit that only he knew about and went through the boxes he hadn't been able to bring himself to sort through when they joined households after the wedding.
Once he finished, he took all of the boxes donated them. He decided to quit paying rent on the storage unit and take the rest of his mom's stuff and his own keepsakes to New York with him. He stopped at McKinley at lunch and picked Sam up to help him move his mom's dresser and the boxes from the storage unit to the truck and then into the garage at the house.
Sam finished unloading the boxes while Kurt changed quickly. They went back to McKinley to spend the afternoon in the choir room with the rest of the New Directions. Rachel arrived not long afterwards. They all went out to dinner at Breadstix later that afternoon.
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Saturday morning, Kurt got up early and said his goodbyes before heading to New York in the U-Haul he had rented. Sebastian had offered to ride with him, so he stopped in Columbus to pick up several boxes of books and the other things that Sebastian wanted to take. Art helped the two of them load Sebastian's stuff and they left. Sebastian drove the first four hours.
Not long before they were going to switch, Kurt finally spoke. "One of the hardest things about losing Finn is wondering how much of the pain I feel, how much of the sense of loss I have is because I actually miss him or I miss what could have been and what might have been. He and I will never team up against our parents to play a prank on them at a holiday gathering. He will never be my best man. I will never be his. I know that Rachel is hurting too, and it's hard to know how to feel. He broke her heart in a way that I just cannot understand. He picked her up the morning of their wedding and drove her to a train station and broke up with her, supposedly setting her free. But she's convinced that they were endgame. She says that he was certain too, but now that's never going to happen. She could have been with him all this time if he hadn't been so stubborn. Were they planning to lead two separate lives for a couple of decades until Rachel was no longer getting lead roles on Broadway and she went back to Lima and be with him? I don't get it, but she's mourning like she's lost her future. She latched on to me as soon as she got to town, but she's barely civil to me a lot of the time in New York. Death affects people in strange ways. I did my best to be there for her, but it's hard. Even in grief, it feels like a contest with her. 'He was my soulmate, Kurt,' she said over and over again. She just sees herself without the ending she thought she was going to have. She's not faced going home to a house that she's never lived in. She doesn't see Carole lost in a world without the most important person in her life for the last two decades. I'm not sure whether I'll ever feel welcome in my family. Every time Carole sees me, she sees that I'm not Finn."
End note:
Burt calls Kurt to tell him about Finn's death at Vogue when he can't get through on Kurt's cell phone. Kurt returns to Lima. Carole opts for a family-only memorial two days later. Rachel is invited, but does not go. That same afternoon, Kurt returns to NYC.
Sebastian sends Kurt texts throughout the week. Kurt spends the first week really down. He watches Finn's version of "I've Gotta Be Me" over and over. Adam manages to get Kurt to eat a picnic dinner with him Saturday evening and encourages him to retell his good memories of Finn. Afterwards, he goes out and gets tattoos on the insides of his wrists. "FREE TO BE ME. NO LIMITS." on his left and "DEFY GRAVITY. LEAP AND SOAR." on the right.
Sebastian sends texts throughout the week again, only this time Kurt manages to do some of the things he suggests, like walks and visiting a cool library to study in just to get out of the apartment for a while. He invites Santana over midweek and they have a long talk, similar to the one they had in canon on the stage, but longer and without Santana shutting down.
Friday evening, Kurt comes back from the diner and finds a note on the door that says that Sebastian's there. They make dinner together, eat, and watch Downton Abbey. (Sebastian binge-watched the first season of during his three weeks in Ohio.)
Saturday morning, they go to Central Park to watch the sunrise, which had been one of Sebastian's suggestions that Kurt was too leery to do on his own. After the sun was up, they went to the waterfalls in the park. Kurt works a double-shift at the diner. Sebastian studies all day. That evening, they repeated the previous evening's activities. When asked, Kurt tells Sebastian that he had planned a break for himself on Sunday. He invites Sebastian along.
Sunday morning, Kurt takes Sebastian to a huge flea market, which Sebastian ends up enjoying. Kurt buys a small painting and Sebastian buys vintage curtains for the apartment. Sebastian leaves after lunch. Kurt spends the afternoon listening to the Wicked soundtrack while altering the curtains.
Kurt returns to Lima on Thursday, three weeks after the funeral. The differences in this chapter from canon are – Quinn is there. Puck does not steal the tree. There is no drama over the letterman jacket. Kurt gives it to Rachel, along with a pair of Finn's drumsticks. He gives Puck a framed photo of him and Finn in the zombie makeup and a set of drumsticks. He also gives a set of drumsticks to Sam. He keeps the signed football from their winning game sophomore year and Finn's favorite drumsticks for himself.
Saturday morning, he loads up his mother's dresser, the other things he removed from the secret storage unit he had been paying for, and the boxes of items he wants to keep from his room as well as some other things in a U-Haul to make it easier for Burt and Carole, who are moving into a small ranch house. On the way to New York, he picks up Sebastian and all of the things from Sebastian's house that he wants to take to NYC. The chapter ends with Kurt talking about his mixed up emotions on the drive back.