Chapter Thirteen: Enter the Gunbo

"Dumbo, why didn't you tell us about the love of your life, Sissy Spacek?" Zilly asked Dumbo. There were tears in her eyes. Zillie had always wanted a mother figure with a Texas accent in her life. She could never bring herself to tell Dumbo that, though. She suddenly felt so far away from the elephant. She didn't even know Dumbo was capable of having sexual thoughts. "You loved her,"

"I was so ashamed. I mean, I didn't pay back that two hundred dollars. And…. and I…" Dumbo began to cry. As per usual when he cried, he attempted to use his big dumb ears as a kind of cloth to soak up the liquid, but failed because ears are not as absorbent as Brawny paper towels. "I broke Sissy Spacek's heart. I was so ashamed."

The kids looked down. Dumbo was like their father figure or something. Dumbo at least gave them an allowance (it was in Roth IRAs) and brought them clothes instead of cool stuff for Christmas. They were embarrassed for Dumbo, but Dumbo's show of vulnerability wasn't met with hostility, but rather affection.

"Dumbo, it's okay. We all make mistakes." Milly tried to comfort Dumbo, but he was hiding behind his big large ears, trying to make it so that no one could see him.

"No we don't," said the Pope. The two kids and the one elephant ignored him.

"Dumbo, if you just talk to Sissy Spacek, I'm sure she'll understand. I mean, you guys are like soul mates or something right?" asked Joe.

Pope Francis stopped vaping and began crying. "Dumbo, I get it. It's hard, but I know that God would have wanted you and Sissy Spacek to work it out. I know God wants that. Like God really wants it."

Dumbo felt slightly threatened by God and the Pope in that moment, but he did want Sissy Spacek.

"Sissy! I know we have had ups and downs, but you don't have to kidnap my human friends. We can talk!" Dumbo's voice was shrill, like he assumed Lindy West's voice was at all times.

"Okay," Sissy Spacek yelled, over what sounded like…chop chop chop (the sound of chopping air).

What could it be… Dumbo thought he may have heard that noise before - maybe on his favorite soap opera, Grey's Anatomy.

Chop Chop Chop.

Dumbo suddenly realized that it was the sound of blades chopping air. It was... helicopter noses.

Just then, in the blink of an eye, Chuck Norris came up in a helicopter. He threw a rope around Sissy Spacek, kidnapping her. The Helicopter did three loops and then spelled out "HA HA, SUCKERS!"

Dumbo yelled "NO!" And then, with a great gust of wind, he began flapping his ears. His large elephant body lifted off the ground.

Everyone was surprised. With some effort, they remembered that Dumbo's one quality, throughout all media he had been in, was that he was a flying elephant.

Milly tossed Dumbo a pair of goggles, and with that began the greatest elephant-helicopter chase scene ever.

The helicopter flew past a mountain at great speed. Dumbo's left ear clipped the mountain, but he kept flying. Dumbo flapped and flapped, but he couldn't catch up with the helicopter. Joe threw him a ball and cup game, which Dumbo threw into the propeller of the helicopter. That slowed it down for just a second.

Dumbo could see Sissy Spacek in the passenger seat, tied up like she was a lady in a cartoon about to get run over by a train. She was crying and trying to get loose from the rope. Chuck Norris was laughing hysterically. Dumbo didn't know what to do, but he knew now more than ever that this was not the time to think about his coworker's tear-a-day calendar featuring vintage photos of Chuck Norris' strength. I mean, this man went up against Bruce Lee and lost. Dumbo wasn't even alive when Bruce Lee was alive.

Dumbo put himself in the sixth gear, felt his transmission move, and flew faster to catch up with the helicopter. He made vrooming noises to convince himself that he was going fast. The helicopter made normal helicopter noises, because it was going fast. Dumbo flapped and flapped. He wanted to look down because there was a beautiful view of the river below. But he knew that if looked down, it would be a distraction from saving Sissy Spacek and redeeming himself.

Just then, Ex-Pope Benedict drove over Dumbo and Helicopter and dropped an AR-47 down to Dumbo. Dumbo grabbed the rifle and began shooting at Chuck Norris. Dumbo missed. He shot a second time and hit Chuck Norris once, but the man didn't even flinch because he was Chuck Norris. The gun was out of ammo, so Dumbo threw it down into the lake below. The gunshots must have distracted Chuck Norris, though, because the helicopter was heading straight for a tree. It veered up, but Dumbo was able to cut it off. Dumbo got his trunk around the bottom of the helicopter and was slowing it down. Then Chuck Norris got out a bottle of Krazy Glue and glued Dumbo to the Helicopter.

"Damn it, now even if I do get out of this, I'll have a helicopter attached to me!" Dumbo exclaimed. He couldn't imagine how things could get worse. He didn't want to be a helicopter - he wanted to be Dumbo, the flying elephant, who flew with his ears, not his propellers.

Just then, Pope Francis flew up in his own helicopter, grabbed Sissy Spacek, punched Chuck Norris in the throat, and landed back on the ground. Sissy Spacek was free! But she did have a little bit of dirt on her from landing on the ground. She dusted it off while saying some choice words about Chuck Norris.

Dumbo, on the other hand, was still attached to the helicopter. His trunk was firmly Krazy Glued, and he and the helicopter were hurling toward a mountain. The helicopter hit the mountain. Then, the helicopter exploded, revealing that the mountain was actually an active volcano.

"DUMBO, NO!" Sissy Spacek yelled. "I just got you back, Dumbo!"

"Don't worry," Pope Francis said, and put a hand on Sissy Spacek. "Dear God, -"

The rest of his prayer was in Latin, so neither Sissy Spacek nor anyone around them could understand it, but Sissy Spacek believed that he was asking God to go back in time and un- invented the helicopter.

Sissy Spacek listened to the Pope pray for about ten minutes, until she realized she still knew about the existence of helicopters. The Pope's plan hadn't worked. Dumbo had been hurled into a disguised active volcano. Sissy Spacek threw herself to the ground and began pounding on the dirt, yelling out Dumbo's name.

"DUMBO, DUMBO, DUMBO!"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, THOT?!" Dumbo roared as he emerged from the volcano. His trunk was no longer attached to the helicopter, or to his body. But he could still talk.

He flew down to Sissy Spacek and Pope Francis. "I'm okay, I'll be okay."

Sissy Spacek took Dumbo into her arms. They embraced for a few minutes, and then flew off together with Sissy on Dumbo's back. They went to Sissy Spacek's house and made love for a few hours, and then had a long conversation about communication. They decided to make an appointment for couples counseling, and resolved to never leave each other again.

The next day when Dumbo woke up, he was in Sissy Spacek's arms. She whispered in his great large ears, "Dumbo, today's the day...to do our taxes."

They got up, went to a bagel place, and got bagels for themselves and their two human friends. They had another long talk about how they could communicate in a manner that didn't involve kidnapping. They had a few ideas that they wrote down in a composition notebook. After writing down the ideas, they doodled on the notebook. It looked very cool, like something Enid would draw in Ghost World.

They got home around 3, and when they arrived, Ex-Pope Benedict was at Dumbo's house.

"Dumbo, I heard about your trunk. It's very sad."

"Yes, it is very sad. Thank you for noticing."

"I can turn your trunk into a gun, if you want," the Ex-Pope offered.

"Wow, that would be very pious of you," Dumbo said, trying to come up with a compliment that would be of the highest level of thanks for the Ex-Pope.

"Yes, I would be carrying out God's wishes!"

The Ex-Pope's eyes shone. The compliment had worked.

And with that, Dumbo brought Ex-Pope Benedict into his house. The Ex-Pope had Dumbo lay on his waterbed. He then performed the necessary surgery to put a gun where his trunk had been. Sissy Spacek loved to cuddle next to Dumbo's trunk. Dumbo knew that since Sissy Spacek was from Texas, she would love to cuddle with his gun trunk even more.

After the surgery was done, he looked at himself in the mirror and looked at himself and realized that he had become… GUNBO.

Dumbo went upstairs to show Sissy Spacek his cool new gun trunk. As he passed the front door, he heard a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK to the rhythm of The White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army."

Dumbo opened the door. It was Steve the Tax Collector!

"FUCK!" Dumbo yelled.

"Dumbo, you've been evading your taxes for hours now! You think you could just get away with not doing your part as an American citizen and paying your taxes? C'mon, Dumbo!"

The tax collector was not being very professional, but Dumbo didn't mind, because now he had a gun for a trunk.

"I hope you fear the reaper," Dumbo said, and raised his gun trunk. It wasn't loaded though, so he had to swallow some bullets, and make sure they went down the top hole connecting his trunk to his mouth.

BOOM BOOM BOOM

Paper went flying in the air. It was impossible to see anything for a moment. Then the government documents fell to the ground, revealing that Dumbo had shot the tax collector. The tax collector's blood spilled out all over various government bonds and checks that taxpayers had given to him. Additionally, some ninja stars dropped out of one of his pockets.

"DUMBO, WHY?" Sissy Spacket cried as she slid down the stairway banister in a long denim skirt.

"Because this is not a tax collector," Dumbo said, and went over to the dead body. "This is actually...Chuck Norris!"

He removed the upper layer of skin, which turned out to just be a taut mask. Under it was Chuck Norris' dead face.

"Dumbo, you killed Chuck Norris! That means all the Chuck Norris jokes are about you now." Sissy Spacek put a hand on Dumbo's shoulder. "The entire world is going to be after you, you know - trying to claim those jokes for themselves."

"Yeah, well, none of them will have a gun for a trunk," Dumbo replied.

"Hell yeah! That's right, Dumbo," Sissy Spacek said in her Southern drawl.

Dumbo and Sissy Spacek made out for a while. A few assassins tried to kill them, but Dumbo just pointed his trunk and shot them. It was hardcore, but in a good way. Then, from his pocket, Dumbo pulled out Sissy Spacek's dead mom's Ball and Cup game.

"I got this as soon as I had the money for it. I was going to mail it to you one Christmas, but I could never find out your address."

"Oh, Gunbo, thank you!"

The End