CHAPTER 14

"Heard anything from Maddy lately?" asked Kelly as he and Matt sat at the kitchen table in the firehouse, sipping their morning coffee.

"Not since the day before yesterday. Why?" asked Matt, not looking up from the newspaper he was thumbing through.

"Just wondered how you were holding up through her being gone," said Kelly.

"I'm a big boy, Severide. I can take care of myself, in case you hadn't noticed," said Matt, smirking at his friend.

"I know you know what I'm talking about, Casey. Don't pretend you don't."

"Yeah, I do but weren't you the guy who was reaming me a new asshole a few months ago, telling me that I should trust my wife?" said Matt, folding up the paper and slapping it down on the table.

"Hey, I only meant that I know how you feel about this Walker guy. I wasn't implying…"

"You'd better not imply a goddamn thing, if you know what's good for you," shouted Matt. He pushed his chair away from the table, which made a loud screeching noise. Matt picked up his cup of coffee and retreated back to his quarters, with all eyes on him. The smell of Cruz's French toast and sausage no longer appealed to him. He had lost his appetite.

He closed his office door and set his mug of coffee down on the desk. He leaned on the back of his chair, flexing the tenseness he felt in his arms and gripping the chipped painted metal in his hands like a vice. He hung his head down between his outstretched arms and took a few deep breaths to quell the anger that had bubbled up inside him, but it was no use.

"Goddammit!" he yelled, picking up the chair and slamming it down on the concrete floor of his office. He put his hands on his hips, arched back slightly and let out a long, exasperated sigh. Severide had struck a nerve. He hated himself for feeling this way. He trusted Maddy with his life. It was Walker he didn't trust. Walker had been very direct about his feelings for Maddy before he left Chicago. His words still rankled in Matt's head. They were even louder now that Maddy was down there with him. He ran his hand over his face and took his cell phone out of the back pocket of his pants. He sat down at the desk and dialed Maddy's number. It rang four times before she answered.

"Hey, Captain! What a nice surprise," she said. Hearing the sound of her voice and how happy she was to hear from him calmed him down immediately.

"Hi, baby. I hope it's a good time to talk. I needed to hear the sound of my wife's voice," he said. What he really wanted to ask her was if Walker was anywhere near her, but he refrained.

"Yeah, I'm sitting on the back porch and watching the horses in the field while having my breakfast, so it's a perfect time."

"How are things going?"

"So far, so good. Jace has had several therapy sessions now and he seems to be more calm and settled than he was when I first got here. He just left for the hospital to have some testing done, then he's meeting with his therapist again later this afternoon."

"So he's making some progress," he said. He wanted to add "and you'll be coming back home soon", but again he didn't.

"Yes he is," she replied.

"I miss you like crazy. So does Finn. He's asked about you everyday since you left."

"I miss you guys too. I'll be home soon, I promise. Who's watching Finn today?"

"Believe it or not, Em is watching Finn today. She's gonna sleep over tonight. I set up a cot for her in Finn's room."

"Wow, I'm shocked..especially since we know how she feels about kids."

"Yeah, but she loves Finn and Finn loves her. Besides, they're both the same age mentally, so it's a match made in Heaven," he said. A wicked little grin broke out on his face.

"I can't argue that. I'm surprised she hasn't called me in a panic about work. The last time I took a few days off, she called me just about every hour on the hour," she said.

"I think our little girl has finally grown up, baby," he said, making her laugh. "Speaking of which, how is Baby Casey doing?"

"Baby Casey has been very active. I felt the first kick a couple of days ago and I've felt them every day since. It feels like he...or she...is running a marathon in there! You should have seen Jace's face when he felt it." Damn. He wished she hadn't told him that. He shut his eyes tight, trying to push the image of Walker touching Maddy's stomach out of his head.

"I wish I had been there to share that with you," said Matt, his voice suddenly sounding down. He fought with himself to keep from telling her that he didn't want Walker touching her baby bump. That privilege should be reserved for the baby's father.

"Me too, Matt...but there will be plenty more opportunities for you to feel it once I get home."

"Yeah, I know. How's the morning sickness?"

"Rearing its ugly head in full force. Up at six this morning retching over the toilet. It's so glamorous," she said. He could almost see the sarcastic look on her beautiful face as she said the words. "Of course, I'm sure my sudden craving for and indulgence in Tootsie Rolls and Devil Dogs may have something to do with it."

"So you're off the chocolate milkshakes and on to Tootsie Rolls and Devil Dogs?" he asked as a soft smile returned to his face.

"Oh no...I use the milkshakes to wash down the Tootsie Rolls and Devil Dogs! I'll be as big as Truck 81 soon."

"You'll still be beautiful, Maddy," he said as he pictured her creamy skin, her soft pink lips, green eyes and her shoulder length honey colored hair. He missed her and wanted her home.

"I love you, Matthew Casey."

"I love you too, Maddy Casey. See you soon. Bye, baby."

"Bye bye, Captain."

Her voice had lifted his spirits and settled him down, just as he expected, but he still had an underlying little niggle in the back of his head that he couldn't explain. He had made every attempt at closing the gap that his affair with Gabby Dawson had caused between him and Maddy, but there was still a sense of a rift that lingered in the air. He made the pretense that everything was alright, when in fact, it may never be that way again. He continually questioned if he had done irreparable damage to his relationship with Maddy and to their marriage. He questioned if Maddy had come back to him because she truly loved him or did she do it because she didn't want to upset Finn's life. Above all, he questioned whether or not she still had strong feelings for Jace Walker more than she let on and if she had slept with him during the time they spent together. That was the one that ate away at him every day, even more so now that she was in Texas with him. After what he had done, he had no right to ask her. He tried not to let his conversation with Em influence him, but there were certain elements about what she told him that continued to haunt him, despite having chastised Em for doing the same thing. He recognized that all of his doubts were beginning to affect him and his work. He had snapped at his best friend and walked out on breakfast with the house. There was no room in his life for the kind of self doubt he was feeling and he was angry at himself for allowing it to creep into his responsibilities as a Captain in the fire department and his relationships with his fellow brothers and sisters. He made the decision right then and there to change that. He shoved his phone in his front pocket and took a sip of his coffee. Just as he pushed his chair away from the desk, there was a knock on his door. He turned to see Kelly standing outside his office with a plate of food in his hand.

"I thought you might be hungry, so I brought you a peace offering," said Kelly as Matt opened the door.

"Thanks," said Matt, taking the plate of food and sitting back down at the desk. He took a few bites of French toast and washed it down with the remainder of his coffee. "Look, Kelly...I'm sorry I snapped at you. I had no right to do that. I've been on edge since Maddy left, mostly because of my own shortcomings, but that's no excuse for treating you like that."

"It's okay. I've got pretty broad shoulders," said Kelly, sitting down on Matt's cot.

"I just got off the phone with her. I needed to hear her voice. You know that feeling?" asked Matt as he turned sideways in the chair.

"Yeah, I do. I've called Bruiser once or twice for the same reason. Did it help?"

"Yeah, Maddy always brings me back to center. She has since the day I first met her."

"That's true love, man. Ain't nothing better than that," said Kelly. Matt smiled and nodded his head in agreement, then turned around in his seat and tucked in to the rest of his breakfast when his phone rang. Matt pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID, then glanced at Kelly.

"That's probably Maddy calling you back. I'll give you some privacy," said Kelly. He left Matt's office and closed the door behind him. Matt looked again at the caller ID. It read "Gabby Dawson". He debated on whether or not he should take the call. The image of Maddy's face popped into his head as he stared down at his phone. He had promised her he wouldn't have any contact with Gabby ever again and he wasn't about to break that promise He shoved his phone back in his pocket, picked up his breakfast dishes and headed to the kitchen.

"Not today, Satan," he said, as he closed his office door behind him.

I stared at my phone for several minutes, picturing Matt in his fitted white Captain's shirt and blue pants, his freshly shaved face and his perfect lips curved into a smile. The cute little dimple on his left cheek would be on display and the tiny scar just under his left eye. I put my phone down and picked up my mug of tea. I crossed my legs underneath me, suddenly realizing that I missed my husband. Hearing his voice had triggered memories of our happier times, before Gabby Dawson and Jackson Walker had come back into our lives. I could have kicked myself for telling him that Jace had felt the baby move. I could hear the upset in his voice despite his attempts to disguise it.

So much had changed in the last few months, it was difficult to find my footing in the normal things that I had always taken comfort in. I wondered if I would always be torn between two worlds and that was my fault as much as it was anyone's. Maybe it was time for me to stop playing the victim and own up to my own mistakes. Being honest with Matt about what happened between me and Jace was the only way forward for both of us. The only secret I would have to keep would be who was really the father of the baby I was carrying. I still prayed that it was Matt, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that a small part of me wanted it to be Jace. Not for myself, but for him. No man should feel less than he is, no matter the circumstance.

I picked up my phone and the breakfast dishes and headed into the kitchen. I put the mug in the dishwasher then gathered up the items I needed to make a pie crust for an apple pie. There was an abundance of apples and other fresh fruit left from the grocery delivery that needed to be used up before it went bad. I mixed up the pie crust, wrapped it in plastic wrap and stuck it in the fridge to chill. I was peeling the apples when Jace's voice echoed from the entry hall.

"Baby!"

"In the kitchen," I yelled. He came around the corner. He had a bag in his hand and a smile graced his face.

"How did it go?"

"OK, I guess. I opted for the nutsack biopsy and ultrasound. There's just something a little too sad about jacking off into a cup while watching porn in a doctor's office. The tech told me I should have the results in a few days."

"At least you'll find out what you want to know," I said. "And what you want to know too, Maddy…: said my inner voice. She wasn't lying.

"Yeah, I suppose so. What are you making, Cook?" he said as he plopped the reusable bag on the breakfast bar and sat down on one of the stools. He took the uneaten portion of my blueberry muffin from the plate and popped it into his mouth.

"An apple pie."

"You're spoiling me and you're gonna make me fat, Cook!"

"You could stand to gain a few pounds, cowboy. Speaking of which, do you want some breakfast?"

"I'll get it, Cook. You've already done so much for me," he said. He got up from the stool and came around to the island in the center of the kitchen. He lifted the lid off of the glass cake pedestal and took the two blueberry muffins that were left. He grabbed a plate from the cupboard and set the muffins on it. He took a knife from the drawer, picked up the butter dish and carried all of it back to the breakfast bar. He split the muffins and slathered each half with butter. I poured him a cup of coffee and handed it to him just as he was taking a sizable bite of muffin. The color had returned to his face and light in his eyes was bright. He looked healthier and happier than he did when I first arrived five days ago.

"What's in the bag?"

"Oh, shit! I almost forgot. These are for you," he said, sliding the cloth grocery bag towards me. I put down the apple and paring knife and peered into the bag.

"Now who's gonna make who fat?" I said, pulling out a two pound bag of Tootsie Rolls and a box of Devil Dogs.

"You're eating for two, Cook. A few won't hurt ya," he said, still wearing a soft smile as he licked some excess butter from his fingers. I ripped open the bag of candy and pulled out two pieces. I unwrapped them both and popped them into my mouth. Jace opened the box of Devil Dogs and unwrapped one and handed it to me. I devoured it like a hungry wildebeest.

"Mmmmm...and the savage beast known as Maddy's weird pregnancy cravings has been sufficiently soothed...at least for now. Thank you, cowboy," I said, licking the remnants of chocolate off my fingers

"You're welcome, baby." His beautiful blue eyes connected with mine and for a moment, my heart stopped. I quickly looked away from him and resumed slicing apples. His piercing gaze had the ability to both unnerve and calm me, depending on the situation. My hands were shaking slightly when I pulled the knife through the apple, taking off a thick slice and cutting into the pad of my thumb. A small amount of blood oozed out between the smooth edges of the cut.

"Dammit!" I said, pinching it and trying to staunch the bleeding.

"Let me see," said Jace, taking my hand and examining my wound. "I think you'll live," he said just before putting my thumb in his mouth. The feel of his warm, wet tongue and his lips on my skin made me go weak at the knees. His blue eyes drilled a hole in me as he seductively sucked on my thumb. My body responded effortlessly to even the simplest touch and the casualness of his gaze. "This can't happen, Maddy…" said my inner voice. Reactively, I pulled my thumb from his mouth and washed it in the kitchen sink. Jace said nothing, but the look on his face told me that he knew exactly what he had done. He got up from the stool and put his dishes in the dishwasher, then went into the half bath off the laundry room. He returned with a hand towel and an adhesive bandage. He turned me around and dried my hands off on the towel. He wrapped the bandage around the cut, then kissed it.

"All better," he said. He turned and walked towards the back door, stopping long enough to retrieve his Stetson from a peg that hung on the kitchen wall. "I'm off to do some work in the horse barn, baby. I'll be back this afternoon." he said. He stepped down onto the porch and disappeared around the corner. I heard the slam of the screen door and watched as he walked down the path that led to the barn. His gait had an unmistakable swagger to it.

"Right, cowboy...all better," I said.