15. To Die a Thousand Deaths

Chapter Soundtrack: "Dragonborn" — Jonathan Young ft. Caleb Hyles (Cover)

I don't know if the Brotherhood will be after me for what I've done. Babette didn't seem to like Astrid much, Nazir was basically indifferent, and the other initiates seemed to only fear her. I left her body there. I know I should've buried her, but I couldn't even look at her for a moment longer.

My neck still aches from where she bit me.

A final reminder.

I don't heal it. No amount of healing can erase the phantom feeling of her fingers inside me, spreading me apart.

Taking.

Always. Taking.

We were always destined for disaster the moment we chose each other. Grown so intertwined that breaking away would scar and destroy us both. The difference is that I'm alive and she isn't.

The dead should stay dead.

I resent the tears that begin to blur my vision once more. I wipe them away, but more only fall. In spite of everything, the image of her face between my hands, my palms crackling with deadly energy, still lingers.

I can't even appreciate the view from Odahviing's back as we fly towards Skuldafn. Perhaps another time, when my heart doesn't feel as if it's splintering in my chest, I can take to the skies with Paarthurnax.

Odahviing dives suddenly and I have to grab onto one of the many ridges on his back to keep from being flung off. He lands and lowers himself down so I can slide off of him.

"This is as far as I can take you." he says. "I will look for your return, or Alduin's."

He takes off, not giving me a chance to reply. This was always about who was stronger. It's not about being morally right for him. It's about who will be left standing after the world burns. I wonder if it was the same for Paarthurnax, and that's why he didn't help me fight Alduin.

I find myself in front of what looks to be a ruin, with row after row of stone arches. It looks deserted, but I've gone through enough of these to know that looks can be deceiving. I pass underneath the first arch, and sure enough, I hear the tell-tale growl of nearby draugr and draw my ebony daggers. I've missed fighting with these, but when my enemies have lately been dragons and an angry ex, I haven't had much opportunity. I find one behind a pillar, arrow nocked. I let it fire, ducking under as it whizzes past my head only to roll back up and drive my dagger up and through its chest. The bluish glow in its eyes is extinguished within the second, and I fling it aside as if it's nothing more than linen wraps. I dodge and weave as more arrows fly with the draugr now coming out of hiding. Alright, I admit, this was part of the fun of being in the Brotherhood. The adrenaline rush, the satisfaction of watching your enemy twist in useless circles trying to land a hit, only to swallow a dagger from one fatal misstep. But I can get that from caving. Screw the contracts. I grab one draugr by the head and use it as a pincushion for its friend's arrows. I kick the legs out from underneath another one, sliding past only to hook its ribs with my dagger. The blade catches, and I push harder to throw the draugr into a pillar. I'm enjoying this way too much but I don't care. I trap another's head between my blades and slice. Decapitated. This place is supposed to be a portal to enter Sovngarde. You'd think it'd be guarded by better fighters. A child with a sharp enough sword could clear them in no time.

I do hear dragons in the distance, but I keep moving, pushing through the draugr and keeping out of their sight. If they don't engage with me, then I don't have to deal with them at all. I sprint all the way to the temple door and slip inside.

Once inside, I find that the sleeves of my tunic have been reduced to shreds, which isn't surprising, given my rough treatment of it. My trousers have tears through the knees as well. Then, I realise that I'm not wearing any armour at all.

Oh, I am a special kind of stupid.

Did I really just show up to fight Alduin with essentially nothing to protect myself, at what is his home base?

If Aela were here, she'd smack me upside the head right about now.

A part of me wishes that she was here, but she's safer back in Whiterun, and I need to do this alone. This way, I'll have someone to come back to. We still have so much we want to do together, and I won't ruin that by dying.

I've been used to going without any armour since I got rid of my Brotherhood stuff that I'd forgotten that sometimes I actually need it. How have I not died?

I see a draugr wander past the archway leading deeper into the temple. It has on an iron helmet, probably Nordic based on the ram horns jutting out of the sides. Well, not my first choice, but beggars can't be choosers.

Looks like I'm going armour shopping.

After taking out the rest of the draugr and pushing some rotating stones at random to open a door, I've come out with some ill-fitting Nordic armour that'll do the job but certainly won't save my life. It also reeks, but again, can't be picky. I'd had to crawl through a passageway full of spiders, and even though I felt like screaming the entire time I took great pleasure at torching them from a distance with my lightning. No way I was coming close enough to those things to touch them, especially since they explode into green goo when you kill them. I'd seen a chest buried in webs on my way through another door, but no amount of treasure is worth digging through that. I hate bugs.

Yeah, yeah, they're arachnids. Shut up. I don't care. They're hairy and crawly and ew.

I walk up to a door covered in symbols and pull the claw off the draugr lying by it, and after turning it over to get the key, I move the symbols around and then shove the claw in. Of course. Only the best security for Alduin. I'll never not be amused at how stupid these claw keys are. The answer is on the key. These ruins are asking to get robbed.

I push on and am immediately greeted by distant chanting. Another word? I follow the sound, and there is a Word of Power glowing faintly. Strun. Storm. Not sure how helpful that's gonna be with Alduin, but okay.

The next door takes me outside. More dragons await me, but I ignore them. They're not worth my time. I cut through more draugr, then blast apart the final guard hovering over the entrance to the portal. At this point, I don't care who's in my way. I need to get to Alduin.

That's probably why I don't notice the ground beneath me splitting open, and then I'm falling through. The world above me closes, and I leave Mundus altogether.

I slam into ridged stone, and for once I'm grateful for the stupid helmet. I push myself up into a sitting position, only for my fingers to come in contact with… snow?

I look around. Sovngarde is covered in snow. It looks almost like Windhelm, if Windhelm were pretty. Everything seems to be bathed in the same bluish-purple light. There are hulking totems covered in traditional Nordic glyphs, and even some bones jutting out of the ground, massive ribs from the look of them, smoothed by time.

I stand up completely and follow the pebbled path, only to find myself crossing over into some grassy territory. I can hear singing in the distance, though I'm not close enough to discern the words. What is this place? I can't see any farther ahead through the thick fog that obscures whatever lurks beyond.

I see a figure in the distance, at what blurrily looks like a fork in the paths. I draw my daggers, just in case. The figure turns to face me. A Stormcloak soldier.

"Turn back, traveler! Terror awaits in this mist."

Again with the terrible security. I move to walk past him, but he grips my shoulder and stops me. I bristle at the unwelcome touch.

"Many have braved the shadowed vale, but vain is all courage against the peril that guards the way."

I glare at his hand. "Lose the hand, or I cut it off."

The soldier snatches his hand back. Good. "You have a purpose here."

"I'm here to kill Alduin." I say.

The soldier's eyes go wide with terror. "Beware! The World Eater waits within the mist!"

I roll my eyes. "I know that. That's why I'm here."

I shove past him, but I can still hear him following close behind. I hope he won't prove to be a problem. I follow the singing, thinking that maybe that's the right way to go. It sounds like a chant, but melodic rather than monotonous.

"Ithriel?"

I freeze cold in my tracks. I know that voice.

I should've known Kodlak would be here.

I tug my helmet down, ignoring the rancid smell, and keep walking.

It's no use. He keeps pace with me. "I know it's you."

"I'm surprised you want to speak with me." I say, working to keep my voice level.

"Just because you left the Companions doesn't mean you've stopped being one."

I laugh. Well, what's one more person knowing. He's dead anyway, who's he gonna tell? "I joined the Dark Brotherhood after I left. I was their Listener."

"Well, you always did have more of an assassin's build. Doesn't surprise me much."

I stop walking. "You're not angry?"

"You said 'was'. You didn't stay with the Brotherhood." Kodlak smiles. "So there's hope for you yet."

"I did go back to Whiterun." I say. "But not to rejoin the Companions."

Kodlak chuckles. "Couldn't stay away from Aela, could you?"

I finally face him. "How did you know?"

"She chose you as her mate within moments of meeting you." he says. "If you didn't come to her, she would've found you."

"But I'm not a werewolf." I say. "That's not possible."

"You're wrong there. Werewolves can mate with other species. Most choose not to."

"But not Aela."

"No. It was always going to be you." Kodlak says. "She's never been that way with anyone else."

I had no idea. No wonder she's put up with so much of my shit. "All the more reason I need to make it back to her." I say, starting to walk again.

"Why are you here?" Kodlak asks. "You aren't dead, unless these eyes are playing tricks on me."

"No, I'm not dead." I say. "Hopefully I'll stay that way. I'm here to kill Alduin."

Kodlak winces. "Ah. Alduin hunts me as we once hunted our prey — a bitter payment for many bloody deeds. The sudden reprieve must be because of you. Did someone send you?"

I let out a bitter laugh. "Destiny. Turns out I'm the Dragonborn."

"Are you now?" He sounds amazed. "So the legends are true. Perhaps you will finally bring peace to Sovngarde."

"How are you in Sovngarde?" I ask. "I thought you'd be with Hircine."

"The Companions found a way to cure me, even beyond death." Kodlak says. "Aela and the twins slaughtered the last of the Glenmoril witches and destroyed the wolf within me with their heads. The twins chose to cure themselves as well, but Aela, as I'm sure you know, turned down the opportunity."

"Huh. Talk about loyalty."

Kodlak barks a laugh. "Loyal and stubborn, the lot of them. But family all the same."

I fiddle with one of the horns on my helmet. There has to be something I can do for him, since I did abandon him and the rest of the Companions. "Aela and I are planning to go to my motherland, but I can visit with the Companions before we leave. Is there anything you want me to pass on to them, assuming I survive this?"

"You will survive this." Kodlak says firmly. "I know your spirit. Hard, strong, and ever enduring. As far as parting words? What is there left to say that I have not told them already? That I love them, as if they were my own? They know that in their hearts. A part of me lives on through them, just as a part of them lingers with me."

We come to an area where a giant skeleton that must belong to a dragon rests. Beyond is what must be the building where the singing is coming from.

Kodlak stops. "I'll leave you here." he says. "Ithriel, promise me you won't lose yourself again. No one can take away who you are. Why would you try to steal that from yourself?"

"I won't." I say. "I think I'm more myself than I've ever been."

He nods. "Then, farewell, Ithriel."

"Farewell, Kodlak."

Kodlak turns around and disappears into the mist.

I continue on, feeling considerably lighter. I had no idea how much his death had been weighing on the back of my mind. Now, I feel at peace with it.

I head towards the building that I now recognise as the Hall of Valor. I've heard stories of it time and again, but seeing its majesty now, I can't deny how glorious it is.

Suddenly, a big hulking mass of Nord shoves himself into my path. He raises his massive axe, clearly a challenge.

No. Absolutely not. I will not engage with these stupid Nordic games of honour. I have a job to do.

I climb up one of the bony dragon wings and perch there. The Nord watches me with confusion, but I ignore him and gather the strength of my Thu'um.

"WULD NAH KEST!"

My Shout propels me forward as planned, shooting me across the bridge made of dragon spine with my armour thumping loosely against my chest. I can hear the Nord shouting indignantly behind me but I just laugh and continue on. Not everything needs to be a skull-bashing contest, and besides, these traditions are not my own. Though Sovgnarde isn't known for battles of wit, I'm happy to be the first.

The Hall of Valor is blindingly bright when I step inside, though I don't have much time to appreciate it before I am swarmed by three familiar faces — Gormlaith, Felldir, and Hakon. Do they mean to fight Alduin with me? Do they somehow already know I'm the Dragonborn? How do they even know what I look like?

Maybe they heard me Shout outside. That makes more sense.

Gormlaith beams at the sight of me. "At long last! Alduin's doom is now ours to seal — just speak the word and with high hearts we'll hasten forth to smite the worm wherever he lurks!"

She and Hakon start to usher me out, but Felldir holds a hand up and they stop. "Hold, comrades — let us counsel take before battle is blindly joined." he says.

"Must you be the voice of reason now?" Gormlaith grumbles. "We have the Dragonborn, now let us smite Alduin!"

"Easy, friend." Hakon says. "Let us hear what he has to say. He hasn't led us astray before."

"Thank you, Hakon." Felldir says. "I merely wished to inform the Dragonborn that Alduin's mist is more than just a snare — its shadowy gloom is his shield and cloak. We must blast the mist with our four Voices combined and then bring him to battle."

Well, that explains the mist.

Hakon nods. "Yes, a crucial detail. The World-Eater, coward that he is, fears you, Dragonborn. Once we have cleared the mist we shall bring out our blades against our black-winged foe."

"Are we off, then? She's sorted?" Gormlaith asks.

Hakon looks me over. "Not in that she's not."

I grimace but keep my gaze up. Leave my hackjob armour alone, yeesh! "Do you have something better?"

"Easily." Felldir says with a smile. "A moment, if you would."

He's only gone a moment but he returns with a smaller set of ancient Nord armour. I trade it for what I have on and immediately feel better.

"Thanks." I mutter.

"Good, she won't trip over her own breastplate." Gormlaith says. "To battle, my friends! The fields will echo with the clamour of war, our wills undaunted!"

She leads the charge out of the Hall of Valour, shouting the whole way.

We have to cross the dragon bone bridge once again, and are immediately greeted by the Nord that tried challenging me earlier.

"You!" he spits. "You did not prove yourself! You ran past me!"

I burst out laughing. Oh, he's still sore about that. Delightful.

Felldir turns to me, confused. "You didn't fight Tsun?"

"I'm saving my strength for Alduin." I say. "If I wasn't supposed to get past him, he should've stopped me."

Gormlaith joins in my mirth with a snort. "I like her, she's smart. Oh come now, Tsun. She bested you a different way. Let us through."

Tsun grumbles but steps aside for us. We continue on, following Gormlaith since she seems to know the way, until we hit a wall of mist where it seems thickest.

"Clear Skies — combine our Shouts!" she orders.

We breathe in together, then Shout, "LOK… VAH KOOR!"

The mist clears, but only briefly as Alduin's grating roar pierces the sky from the distance.

"VEN MUL RIIK!" he Shouts back.

Wind, strength, gale. How obnoxious.

"LOK VAH KOOR!" we Shout again, slightly faster this time.

Alduin answers in kind, and the mist returns as soon as it left.

Hakon groans. "Does his strength have no end? Is our struggle in vain?"

The chanting goes on. I hadn't paid much mind to it while inside the Hall of Valor, but now that I have a chance to listen, I can clearly make out the words. They're chanting in dragon tongue. Dovahzul, my mind supplies. Though it lacks the strength of a true Thu'um, the words hold power on their own all the same —

Dovahkiin, dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin

Wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!

Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan

Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!

They're… praying to me? That feels wrong. I am the last person anyone should be praying to. But even within the Hall, their faith lies in me. I can't let Alduin win, no matter what.

Even if it means I may die trying.

My mind wanders to Aela. So much time wasted apart, fighting what was always meant to be. Yet I'm glad I had those few moments of tenderness, of love, with her. I close my eyes and feel her phantom kiss against my lips.

No. I won't die, because I have someone to come back to.

My mate.

The word has an oddly pleasant ring to it, though it doesn't belong to me. In Bosmeri, she would be my bean, if I were to remarry. Though my thoughts on marriage are gnarled now. The words bound to it are twisted in ways only time can undo.

But mate…

I like mate.

And I'm going to survive just so I can tell her that.

I can hear Alduin roaring in the distance. Though his mist shrouds him, it feels weaker than before. There's our opening.

"His strength is failing!" I say. "We have to try again!"

The warriors look reluctant, but they gather their strength, and breathing together, we Shout a final time.

"LOK VAH KOOR!"

The mist dissipates completely, no lingering fog left to blind us. The warriors give a triumphant cry even as Alduin flies in, seething, roaring, snarling. Meteors rain down in his wake as before, at the Throat of the World, and the very ground rumbles as he lands, digging his claws into the earth. The warriors yell and dodge the onslaught of falling fire, which distracts them long enough for Alduin to approach me, though he doesn't attack.

"You are persistent, Dovahkiin." he says with a twisted smile. "A fine slave you would have made."

I glare at him. "Never."

I take my daggers and plunge them upwards, towards his throat, but he pushes off into the sky, laughing, as he smacks me with his tail. I go flying, hitting the ground hard several feet away.

He flew down here, just to insult me?

What a pretentious little shit.

"Get back down here, Alduin!" I Shout. I see him circling above and take aim with my voice. "JOOR ZAH FRUL!"

Alduin is promptly yanked out of the sky, and the warriors swarm him. I charge after them, and while they keep him busy in front, I leap up onto my back. Alduin immediately senses my weight there, but Dragonrend keeps him earthbound. He flails violently, trying to yank me off with his teeth. I draw my daggers and plunge them into either side of his head. I've tried to kill him this way before, but this time I won't fail. His scales are hard and resist my blades, but I twist them into the flesh underneath.

Alduin roars and suddenly kicks off into the sky. I hold tight to my daggers as I'm jostled about, the only grip I have on him. I'm not surprised, and I'm not afraid. He's broken free of Dragonrend before, I just needed the chance to get close to him. I work to channel the lightning beneath my skin, coaxing it forth to embrace my ebony blades. The violent violet energy pulses and bites, and Alduin actually gives a loud scream that rattles my skull. Still, he persists, rolling and diving to try and fling me off, but I dig my heels into his sides and actually manage to kick a scale free. He jerks his head around and Shouts. A jet of fire blasts at me but I lay flat so it only singes the top of my head.

Gonna have to try harder than that, Alduin.

I can hear the warriors Shouting below, trying to use Dragonrend again, but they miss as Alduin dives erratically out of their way. I grit my teeth and push more energy forward, strengthening the lightning channeling through my blades. He swoops upwards, changing direction so he flies towards the sky straight as an arrow. My legs slip, and I'm left dangling from my daggers, but they're not in deep enough because they begin to slice through his flesh downwards, towards me. I try to dig them in deeper, but I don't have enough leverage from this angle.

The last inches of my blades slip out, and I plummet towards the ground.

Alduin doubles back, his jaws snapping. I sheathe my daggers. I have to act now or I'll die on impact from the sheer height I'm falling at. Perhaps weapons and spells aren't enough against him because I'm fighting what is in the very nature of all dragons — words.

We Shout at the same time.

"YOL!" Alduin bellows.

"FO!" I scream.

Fire and ice collide and explode, knocking us back from each other slightly, but it's all the time I need. I flip my body, aiming for his head, and Shout once more.

"WULD NAH KEST!"

My body flies forward like a dart and lands on Alduin's back. A direct Shout should do it. My throat runs raw and feels as if its being ripped to shreds from using my Thu'um so much, but I need one last Shout. I rip more scales away from where my daggers dug in, until one incision is exposed. Alduin howls and tries throwing me off again, but I bring my lips towards the wound and pour the last of my energy into the strongest full Shout I know.

"YOL TOOR SHUL!"

Fire pours from my throat and into Alduin's vulnerable flesh. It sears him, but it's burning me too by proximity.

I can feel him actually dying.

But if I linger any longer I'll fry myself too with this unbearable heat.

I kick off of him just in time and get to see his body start to disintegrate as it falls towards the ground. Then, a memory begins to cloud my vision. I must be dying too. My head swims and my throat burns and my body screams as I fall, but the memory remains, wanting to comfort me, if I'll take it.

Well, if these are my last moments, what better part of my life to relive than this one?

I give in to the warm embrace of the memory, and slip into another time, another place…

"So, you live on a farm?"

I lay back on Aela's bed, rolling the furs idly between my fingers. "Farm, stable, same difference. Both reek of dung."

Aela laughs. "You and yours showed up here reeking of fish. Not sure you get to talk."

"Because we worked in a fishery." I say. "Of course we smelled like the catch of the day. It wore off. Eventually."

Aela puts down the arrow she'd been working on and joins me on the bed. She slips a hand underneath my back and taps lightly with her fingers. "Up." she says.

I prop myself up on my elbows. "Okay, I'm up."

Aela leans down and presses her nose to my neck, inhaling deeply. I shiver at the contact and fight the urge to push her head closer so I can feel her lips there. There's no doubt about it, I am attracted to this woman. Every touch from her sends my body into a frenzy, but we've known each other hardly less than a week. I won't jump her bones like some overly eager Dibellan.

We haven't exactly made a secret of our, at the very least, fondness for each other. There have always been touches that lingered far too long to be friendly. She'd take every excuse to physically correct my stance. Sometimes I'd catch her staring at me while I trained with Vilkas out behind Jorrvaskr, or while I was sharpening my daggers up at the Skyforge. But I was too busy trying to find my place within Whiterun to put much stock into it, make sure I didn't mess up so my newfound parents wouldn't abandon me. Now, I wish that I had been more bold earlier, because we've been in a constant limbo of will-we-won't-we.

My thoughts do nothing to quell my racing heart. If anything, it only pounds faster out of retaliation.

Aela finally pulls back, and I can't tell which is worse — the ability to breathe properly again, or the fact that I want her right back where she was more than ever.

"Now you reek of horses." she says with a wolfish grin.

Her gaze lingers on me, then shifts ever so slightly. She leans into me, until our noses are touching, as if waiting for me to back away. I don't move, hoping that this won't be another instance where she pulls away like it didn't happen. A thousand thoughts are racing behind her eyes, and then they come to a sort of agreement, and she closes the distance between us and finally kisses me. Her lips are soft and warm against mine, and she tastes of apples. She cradles my face between her hands, keeping our kiss gentle.

I want more.

I reach up and pull her on top of me, deepening our kiss as I lie back down. My fingers tangle in her hair as I kiss her back. Hey, she started this, and Divines, I've wanted her so badly. Her hands move lower to caress at my neck, my sides. Those light touches set my blood on fire, and I nibble on her lower lip to tell her so. She groans into my mouth and I'm pleased to find that this is affecting her as much as it is me.

She breaks our kiss first, panting, resting her forehead against mine. There's a faint flush to her cheeks, and her war paint is slightly smudged.

"I… uh." Aela bites her lip. "I meant to ask you first… but…"

I grin. "I'm irresistible?" I offer helpfully.

"Ithriel…" she groans, letting her head fall forward onto my chest.

I curl my arms around her and cuddle her. "I've been wanting to do that for a while, you know. I just didn't know if it would be too soon."

"That's what I was thinking!" Aela says. "But then you were just here, on my bed, and, well…"

I chuckle. "I didn't say I didn't like it." I roll us over. "I think I'd like to do it again, actually."

Aela caresses my cheek. "Oh, would you?"

"Please and thanks." I mumble as I lean down to recapture her lips.

Footsteps interrupt us, coming down the hall and stopping outside Aela's door.

"About time you got on with it." Vilkas grumbles. "I was about to tell Aela to just raw you already."

He shuts the door for us and wanders off.

I turn my gaze back to Aela, smirking. "What was that all about?"

Aela's eyes find the ceiling, or anywhere that isn't my face really. "Nothing you have to worry about." she mutters.

"Hmm. Okay." Aela relaxes and leans up to try and kiss me again, but I pull back. "No more kisses until you tell me." I say.

Aela whines. "You don't mean that." She nuzzles my cheek. "Ithriel. You know you can't keep that promise." She ducks her head lower and starts nuzzling my neck, brushing her lips over it every now and again. "Please? We've only kissed once, that's not fair."

My neck is so, so sensitive. Talk about being unfair, she's playing dirty and she doesn't even know it.

Finally, it gets to be too much, and I relent, kissing Aela deeply. Aela laughs and returns it with just as much fervor until we both need to breathe again.

"Who's irresistible now?" Aela says with a grin.

I shut her up with another kiss.

My body shatters, but my heart is with Aela, back when things were so simple.

Bean = Wife

A/N: I think I may take December off to focus on some more career stuff. Will definitely be back in February.