As hard as my head was pounding when I fell alseep, my cock is raging when I wake up. I'm used to waking up with a hard-on, that's pretty normal for me. And the range of how hard varies. But this is well outside the range. I try to remember anything from last night outside of that headache, and my mind is completely blank - I don't even know how I got into bed - but this has to be leftover effects from Morinth because I should not wake up in actual pain like my cock has been hard and ignored for days instead of what's probably just a couple hours.
My erection is swollen and hard to even keep under the blanket. And Shepard is sound asleep beside me. I need her.
Shepard is on her back, which is fairly unusual so I don't think we've been asleep long. When I move the blanket to protect my dick, I also reveal her, and the sight is not helping to calm the damn thing down. She's only wearing barely-there black lace panties, her breasts are rising and falling with every breath, and her long legs are already spread like an invitation. I have to have her, I have to have her right now.
I crawl between her legs, positioning myself very carefully because if I lay on my cock when it's like this, I might die. I slide the lace aside carefully to keep from waking her up. Even with a painfully swollen and erect dick, I take a moment to inhale that incredible scent and admire those soft pink folds. She's beautiful, so beautiful. I lean in slowly and run my tongue lightly up her slit, avoiding her clit because I'm not ready to wake her yet. I'm curious how wet I can make her before she wakes up, and I can't help testing my own control.
I press my tongue slowly inside her, gentle not to let my rough tongue hurt her while she's not wet. I kiss her, slow and easy, lapping lightly and teasing her lips. She starts to moan and shift with every kiss before long, but she's still asleep. I can tell by her heart rate, by the way she's breathing even around the gasps. It makes me smile to think that she's probably dreaming about what I'm doing to her right now, and I'm going to make it one hell of a dream.
I dive deeper, tasting that incredibly sweet juice which wets my chin and mandibles, and Shepard arches her back a little. Her hands move, gripping the sheets. When she whispers my name, I reward her with my tongue on her clit.
She snaps into consciousness, her hand flying to my fringe and her body tensing for a split second like she might try to defend herself, but I flick her clit and grip her thigh and this time she screams out my name. Her body bends and thrashes and begs, she thrusts into my face, trying to get my tongue as deep as she can, and I obey every wish. I give all of it to her, moaning into her body both because she's so sexy and because my cock is hurting even more. I grab my shaft and stroke it, but even just that touch is almost too much.
I settle for grabbing the base, trying to keep myself under control, and spread Shepard's legs further for better access. She's dripping at this point, hips grinding into my face, and I fuck her steadily on my tongue until she's exploding and flooding my tongue. I don't let up. I'm about to be extremely selfish so I want her cumming hard and fast right here, right now. She gives it to me, obeying the demands I put on her body, until she's begging for mercy and shoving my head away. Another night, I would resist harder and keep at it, but tonight, I need her.
"Baby, please." I collapse onto my back, wincing from the pain. "Please, your mouth."
Shepard doesn't hesitate, doesn't resist. She's the perfect woman, and then she's diving on my cock. The moment her tongue touches me, the second I feel the back of her throat, I lose my mind. I can hear Shepard gagging over my own roar when I press her head down and pump into her throat. I spill hard, I spill for longer than I knew was possible.
"Holy shit," she pants when she forces her head out from under my hand and yanks back. I'm still cumming, my heart pounding, and I can barely see while Shepard keeps stroking me until my senses return. "Ardat-Yakshi side effect?"
"I don't remember last night, but I think so," I manage. I reach down and cover Shepard's fist with mine, holding her hand still for now. "Woke up so hard it fucking hurt."
"And you decided to make me cum first? Shit, Garrus, you could have woken me up for you!" She leans over me, relaxing her grip on my cock, and kisses me. The soft kiss is an excellent distraction and I fall into it, letting her steady me. But Shepard pulls back quickly and frowns at me. "Wait, you don't remember...anything from last night?"
I return her frown. "No. It's all cloudy. I remember leaving the club with Morinth...I remember how bad my head hurt. And I'm assuming we won. But no, everything else is a blank until I woke up feeling very selfish. Why, did I do something?"
"You..." Shepard trails off and smiles. "You kicked ass, big guy. You were perfect." She leans down to kiss me again. "But you are not selfish for needing me," she breathes against my mouth, practically echoing my thoughts from a few minutes ago. "I like making you cum just as much as you do me. But I don't like you in pain."
"I like you in pain sometimes," I tease, earning a sweet giggle and another kiss. "What do you say we make each other cum this time? Come here." I try to guide Shepard on top of me, but she stops me with a grin and then turns around before straddling my lap. She sinks down slowly on my cock, granting me the view of her ass.
We move together, always so in sync and always in perfect rhythm, a harmony between us coming naturally since the day we met. It makes this the best sex of my life, the most incredible experience every single time. I stroke slowly up into her while Shepard rolls and grinds her hips, taking all of me. I run my hand up her spine, encouraging her forward, and when she cries out, I take it as a signal to give her more.
I pull out only to move her, climb onto my knees, and scramble up behind her. Shepard stops me from entering her, instead sitting up and reaching behind her head to hold the back of my neck. She writhes against me, her ass rolling into my erection - still harder than it should be - and I grip her hips. "You want me, my love?"
"Oh, Garrus...so much. Forever." She turns her head, meeting my mouth for a deep, wet kiss. "Take my ass. Please."
"Ah, fuck." Arousal surges through me, hot and hard. "No, baby, I'm gonna fill you up everywhere. Do not move." I kiss her once more and then move to the table on her side of the bed, retrieving her vibrator and the bottle of lube. She's lubricated enough where the vibrator is going, but not where I want to go. If I get the okay to cum in her ass, I'm not letting it go.
Shepard is watching me, so I grin and hand her the vibrator. "Me?"
"You. You're going to fuck yourself while I fuck you. Take control of your own pleasure, baby. Show me how much you can take."
"Oh, God."
"Yes, sometimes I think I must be." She barks out a laugh and lets me kiss her before I turn her back around. "Bend down, let me look at that pretty ass of yours."
"I love when you talk to me like I'm meat," she murmurs, laughing a little but her voice is husky enough that I know she's being genuine.
"I love that you are meat," I growl at her. I slap her ass. "And I love that you're mine to take a bite out of." Shepard moans, arching her spine. "Let me watch you. Fuck yourself with that vibrator."
I lube my fingers while watching, Shepard resting her forearm and chest on the bed, slipping the vibrator through her folds. It's incredible, watching the purple toy slip through pink folds with the dim blue light of the fishtank casting shadows. She moans and hesitates, so I nudge her legs further apart with my knees, and Shepard presses the vibrator in further.
"You know my body better than I do," she breathes.
"I pay more attention to it. Maybe I should leave you alone sometimes when you're horny, maybe you should take care of yourself more often."
"N-no!" she cries, escalating when I press my lubed-up finger inside the tight ring of her ass, the resistance now much less than it used to be. Shepard pants harder than she used to too, the pleasure escalating now that the pain has lessened. It'll feel better the more she gets used to this, for both of us.
She strokes the vibrator deep and steady, and I add a second finger, my cock eagerly twitching and jumping with a need to get inside her. Shepard only makes me want it more, moaning and crying my name when I twist and scissor my fingers.
"Come on, Garrus, please. Please!"
"Mmm. Please what, baby? What does my girl need?"
Shepard growls, fucking herself in earnest with her vibrator. "I need...oh, you're mean." I grin and wait, knowing she'll be perfect. She's always perfect. "I need my beautiful, hung boyfriend and my terribly mean, incredibly sexy sir to put his big cock in my ass and fuck me."
"Perfect."
I give her what she needs, replacing my fingers with just the head of my cock and giving her an opportunity to adjust. Shepard doesn't take it, pushing her hips back toward me, taking me. Fucking me. I wait, holding steady, fighting all of my needs and instincts and holding my breath, watching Shepard take me. "Garrus," she pleads, head falling.
"Spirits, you're sexy," I growl at her. "Is that what you want, you wanna fuck me?"
"Mmhmm."
"You can do this," I assure her, dragging my fingers slowly down her spine. "You can take me, you know that. You can drive me wild, baby, you know that too." My hand comes down hard on her ass, leaving a beautiful pink mark. "I want you to fuck me, baby."
Shepard makes a growl of her own and gets determined, rocking her hips back, taking more of me with each thrust. Our combined moans echo through the room when she takes all of me. I expect her to need a moment at least to rest, but Shepard doesn't stop. She actually manages to throw me off, and she does it to follow an order. She fucks me.
And holy Spirits, it's good.
"Oh, shit." I want to watch, Shepard taking me deep and the vibrator just as deep, so deep I can feel it against my dick inside her, but there is too much sensation. I have to close my eyes to handle it without exploding right here at now. "Shepard...slow down."
"Not on your life," she moans. "You wanna get fucked, you're getting fucked, Sir. Take it."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I grab her hips to steady her, Shepard resisting. "I'm gonna cum if you don't - "
"So cum," she retorts, voice husky and breathy but strong. "Cum and then keep going until you cum again and again and again. God, I want you dripping from my ass, I want to be full of you. Cum for me, Garrus."
"Shepard, Spirits, oh, I..." I can't continue, can't hold back, pressure and heat exploding from the base of my spine and my skull until I'm pumping and pouring into her. My heart pounds and swells, my whole being full of Shepard while she's full of me. And she doesn't stop. She doesn't even slow or hesitate, she just keeps fucking me.
Our roles reverse when she nears her own peak, and I take her hips to fuck her instead of stopping her this time. And when Shepard cums, she tightens so hard around me that I'm cumming into her all over again.
"I don't think I have more," I confess, leaning over her back.
"Oh, thank God, me neither," she laughs. "Get the hell out of me so I can collapse."
I laugh, breathless, and carefully pull out, I take the vibrator from her and toss it aside, following her down onto the mattress where she rolls and we move into each other's arms. "If I ever reach a point in my life when my, uh, little guy doesn't stand quite as tall...remind me to face off with an Ardat-Yakshi."
"You're so ridiculous," she giggles, nuzzling my forehead with hers. "When you reach a point where your not-very-little little guy doesn't stand quite as tall or even stands at all, I am not pitting you against a demon. I'm never doing that for any reason, thank you very much, I hated that. But especially not because you can't get hard. What the hell do I care about that?"
"Oh, please, you care."
"I mean, I love it. I enjoy the hell out of it." She kisses me softly. "But if we get to that point, it'll mean we've been together for a long time. It'll mean we stopped the Reapers and hopefully that we got married and we have enjoyed many, many happy years together."
I pull her closer, my heart skipping. "When you put it that way, I don't even care about the little guy."
She laughs and kisses me, smiling against my mind. "Besides...you still have an incredible tongue."
"Oh, you are trouble," I laugh, poking her side and making her jump. "We're going to enjoy many, many happy years together, and you are going to drive me wild for every single one of them, aren't you?"
"Damn right, Garrus Vakarian. Can't wait."
I kiss her hard, lingering. "Me neither."
I wake up alone. That's rare these days, so it surprises me. But there's something else. Something feels...bad. My gut is tight, my heart feels wrong. And Garrus isn't here.
Something is wrong.
I throw the blankets aside, earning a muffled meow from Monster who just got buried. I hurry back and uncover the poor guy. "Sorry, buddy. Garrus is in trouble. Don't ask me how I know, but I know. I gotta run."
The kitten meows and turns his back on me, collapsing back to sleep. I take that as permission to rush. I head right for the closet and get dressed quickly, throwing on sweats and a tank top. I consider something over the tank top but if the more skin the better if I need to calm or support Garrus in some way.
I slip on a pair of sneakers and get running for the elevator. "EDI, where is - "
"Shepard!" Joker cuts in, so loud he makes me jump. "You need to get down to the Cargo Bay. Garrus already beat a hole through Grunt and wore Jack out, now he's on the equipment and he's gonna break something."
"What the fuck happened?" I demand. "Is this Ardat-Yakshi related?"
"No, no he's pissed about something but he's not talking to anyone. All he's doing is growling and hitting things."
"I'm on my way down. EDI, tell him I'm coming down."
The AI confirms, and I brace myself. I start bouncing on the balls of my feet, prepared for anything. I knew this was bad. I don't know how, but I knew something was wrong with Garrus the moment I woke up this morning. And now those same instincts are telling me I should get ready for a fight.
Jack, Tali, and Grunt are there when the doors open. "He's fucking lost it," Jack announces, getting smacked by Tali for it.
"What's going on? Does anyone know what he's mad about?"
Tali grabs my arm and starts dragging me down the hall toward the window that looks over the ring and exercise room. It feels like everyone on the crew is either up here watching or down there. Samara is in the room, hands glowing like she might need to stop him, and I think Jacob is talking. But Garrus is just wailing on a punching back.
If he were Monster, the hair on the back of his neck would be standing and he'd be hissing like a...well, like a monster.
I throw my hair up into a ponytail and head for the stairs down into the room. "Shepard, he almost hurt me," Grunt notes from behind me. "Almost." He adds that last part for himself, not me. But I don't need any of it.
"He won't hurt me."
I'm entirely confident about that. I don't know what Garrus is mad about or even if it's something that I did, I don't know what he'll need from me or how to calm him down, but I know for sure that Garrus is not going to hurt me. He would never. I can get to him, no matter what's going on. And I knew that even before knowing that he's bonded to me, whether Garrus remembers that coming to light or not.
I catch Tali's gaze and she nods. Her confidence only boosts mine, and I hurry into the room. "Everyone out," I announce the moment I walk through the doors. Miranda is going to object, I know before she does, so I add, "Now!"
And like good little soldiers, everyone I was actually talking to scrambles from the room. Garrus doesn't slow, doesn't stop. His stamina is impressive as always, especially since he's been at this for a while based on the state of his knuckles. And the three dead punching bags on the floor.
"Wow, I'm gonna have to scrap one of your rifles to pay Cerberus for all the damage you're doing here."
He doesn't respond, doesn't even look at me. Okay. He doesn't want to joke.
"I heard you were trying to beat up my crew. You want a real fight, you know where to look for it, big guy."
Garrus pauses for a second and looks over at me. Something flashes in his eyes. Its an intense need, but it's not a need to fight. I have to use every advantage I have. And there is a reason I came down here in just a tank top.
"Oh, no, you don't. You want that, you have to talk to me."
He shakes his head and gets back to swinging on the bag. "I don't think I can talk right now."
"Okay well I could take my shirt off for you, but the crew is watching. So you can talk to me, or I can strip for them." He follows my finger when I point to the window, and I know that the first people he notices are Jacob, Hadley, Matthews, and Hawthorne. I know they'd be the first to notice if I took my shirt off.
"Shepard...I'm not playing games," he snaps, raising his voice but grabbing the bag. Stopping has to be a good sign.
"Garrus, what makes you think I'm playing? I haven't even had coffee yet, and the whole crew is looking at my right hand man, my key sniper, and the hot shot engineer working on the biggest weapon ever to live on a ship this size like he's a fucking bomb. You are going to talk to me, one way or another."
Garrus growls and slams his face against the punching bag. He mutters something that I can't hear, and when I tell him to repeat it, he launches a punch into the bag that sends it flying off the chains and across the room.
"Yep, you're definitely losing a rifle," I mutter, staring at it. "Now that you have nothing left to hit..."
He tenses when I start to approach and I can almost hear the gasps upstairs, everyone but me worried that he's going to freak out and hit me like he did that bag. But they don't know him like I do. And he loves me like no one else ever could or will.
"You are not going to hurt me," I tell him. He looks unsure, but he lets me approach. When I'm close enough to touch him, I hold my hands out for his. "Give me your hands, let me put some Medi-Gel and bandages on you, and tell me what the fuck is going on with you."
Garrus takes a deep breath, the air moving shaky and coming back out with a growl. "Shepard...I found Sidonis."
Oh, shit. This is not what I expected.
I refocus and motion with my hands. Garrus obeys this time, putting his hands down in mine and letting me pull him to a bench. He straddles it and sits while I grab supplies before returning to him. "Tell me everything."
"I had contacts and channels keeping an eye out for him," he tells me, voice low and his growl still prevalent in his chest. "He connected with a guy they call Fade on the Citadel. He specializes in helping people disappear."
"Is that how you disappeared?" I ask, swiping Medi-Gel carefully over his wounds. He split his knuckles pretty badly, but he'll be just fine.
Garrus shakes his head. "No, I used my own tools. Fade is shady, he works with criminals. He's how Sidonis got off Omega in the first place."
"So he's on our shit list, too."
"Our?" Garrus echoes, his tone surprised now.
I look up and meet ice blue eyes full of fire that's starting to fade a little. "Yeah, our. We're a team, partners. We share a shit list, big guy. Which, by the way, means that you hate the Council even more than you think you do."
It actually surprises me when he chuckles, but it makes my heart skip, too. "You have really gentle hands for this, you know. Thank you."
"I thought you knew I'm great with my hands." This time his growl is different, and it's one I enjoy much more. "So. We're going to Fade to follow the lead on Sidonis, right?"
He hesitates, then asks, "Aren't you the one supposed to decide that?"
"Garrus." I tape the final bandage and look up at him again. This time, I reach out and take his face between my hands. "Partners, remember? Many, many happy years together and partners. On the battlefield and off. Okay?"
"Okay," he breathes. Garrus sighs, and it's like every ounce of tension floods out of him all at once. I realize then that Garrus wasn't upset because he might find Sidonis or even because of Sidonis. He needed to believe that I would help, that I'd be on his side. He has to learn I'm always going to.
"This is my fault."
I hadn't meant to say it out loud. I didn't even know I did until Garrus cocks his head and frowns at me. "What's your fault?"
"It's my fault that you don't just know we're a team, that I won't just be here for you." The words come with a horrible sting behind my eyes and something that feels like choking. It's the guilt choking me, I know. This is my fault. He starts to speak, but I hold up my hand. "Don't, I know, we're not looking back. But it's true and it needs to be said. You should be as confident that I have your six as I am in you."
Garrus brushes the hair behind my ear, and then grips my shoulder. "I need you to say it. Tell me that we're gonna find Sidonis, Shepard, I need to hear it. Please."
"Garrus. We're gonna find Sidonis. And I'll do whatever you need."
Another sigh, more relief, and then a hard kiss.
"Thank you. I'll tell Joker to get us on the way." One more kiss, and then he's gone. Garrus is already unwrapping the bandages on the way out of the room, which is so very him, but...
But the look in his eye when he walked away? That wasn't Garrus. That was Archangel.
He's heard Sidonis' name exactly one time and he's...he's Archangel.
Garrus fades fast, a little more everyday for each day of the three days it takes us to get to the Citadel. On the first night, I can almost fool myself that he's normal. On the second night, he doesn't sleep in bed. He never came to bed, and it's been a long time since that happened. Last night, he didn't sleep at all. He couldn't.
He can barely eat, and for the first time ever, I had to remind him to take his anti-depressant. He's talking less, spending all his time back in the Main Battery, and skipped poker night for the first time too. But he's not ignoring me. No, he's talking to me. A lot.
About Sidonis. He can only talk about finding - no, hunting - Sidonis and taking him out. He's a man obsessed.
I get that. I could understand completely if it was just that, just the need for justice. But that's not what Garrus wants. He wants revenge, and he wants blood. An eye for an eye.
Garrus's darkness is back, and it's even worse than when he first got on the ship, when he first escaped Omega. Garrus is back to being unable to smile, unable to sleep, back to being so distant I'm not sure I can reach him. And if he does kill Sidonis, I'm terrified that I'll never be able to reach him again.
"Tali, can we talk?" She turns from her console, and I nod to the engineers but don't move further into the room. I need privacy, and I need Tali to come with me. She follows me right away and comes into the hallway.
"This is about Garrus, isn't it?" she asks immediately. "You only ever get this level scared for Garrus."
"God, do I look scared?" I shake my head and press my hand to my forehead. "I am scared. Tali, you've seen him, you've tried to talk to him. Please, tell me that it's just me. Tell me he's not..."
"Dark," Tali finishes, confirming my fears. She reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it softly. "I'm sorry, Shepard, I would love to tell you that you're seeing things. But it's like...I barely recognize him right now. What happened?"
"It's this whole Sidonis thing. The guy betrayed him and I was all for bringing him to justice, but this is..." I shake my head, trying to find the words. "I told him that I would be there for him, Tali, that I supported him on this and that I have his back. How am I supposed to tell him now that I think this is wrong?"
Tali takes a deep breath. "I mean...what if you let him deal with it? Let him kill this guy who probably does deserve it. What then?"
"Exactly. What if that darkness takes him over completely and I can never get him back? Just hearing the guy's name brought him this far, what if..." My voice breaks around the words and that guilt tries to choke me again. "He'll hate me if I stop him, Tali. But he could be lost if I don't."
"Oh, Shepard." Tali pulls me into her arms for a big hug, and I don't resist. I let her cuddle me, and I rest my head on her shoulder for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Garrus could never hate you. And you could never let him get lost. You know him better than anyone, and there's a reason he trusts you. When the moment comes, you'll make the right decision."
"Shit, I hope you're right. I can't hurt him again, Tali. I can't..."
She squeezes me closer, and she lets me stand there taking from her for a moment. I need it. She even agrees to come on the mission with us, in case either one of us needs her, and she ignores me when I try to make her promise to take Garrus's side. "I will take the right side, Shepard. You know that."
"One of the many reasons you're the best friend a girl could have."
Tali leans her head against mine and gives me another moment. I'm almost ready to pull away from her when the elevator dings, and Garrus steps into the hallway. I expect him to grin when he sees us; Garrus loves how close Tali and I are. He calls Tali my sister all the time, he tells me how happy he is that I have her. And I know that he loves her just as much as I do.
But there's no grin today, there's nothing. Just darkness in those incredible blue eyes, and they're a little less incredible behind the dark.
"We're docking. You ready?" He forces a smile. It doesn't reach his eyes. "You comin' Tali?"
"Yep," she answers easily, releasing me and managing to sound just as bouncy and happy as always. I don't know how she pulls it off because if I were to start talking right now with that look on Garrus's face, not even wondering why Tali is hugging me, my voice would break. Although today I wonder if he'd care.
Tali bounces toward the elevator and Garrus lets her pass, then holds a hand out to me. When I don't move, he smirks. A real smirk. It makes my heart skip. "Um...you kinda have to come, Commander," he teases.
I take his hand and let him pull me over. I let hope wash through me when he pulls me into his arms. "I'm coming," I promise, no matter how much I hate it.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, ducking a little to catch my gaze.
"Yeah, I just..." I take a breath. I can't tell him now. He'll think I'm betraying him. I can't betray him. I can't hurt him, I can't let him down again. "I didn't sleep well last night. Can't sleep without you."
Garrus frowns, genuine sadness coming over his face. At least it's something that isn't dark. "I'm sorry, I...I'm finding it hard to rest right now." His eyes flash, and then it's back. That fucking darkness. Just when I thought we'd escaped it. "I'll rest after we find Sidonis, I will. When he's dead, I'll be able to rest." He pulls me closer and leans down to growl in my ear, "And I'll give you the best loving of your life."
Now I have to force a smile. "Gonna hold you to that, big guy."
He leads me onto the elevator where Tali is almost definitely giving me a look. I have to ignore it for now because I have to hold it together if I'm going to do what Garrus needs me to do.
I go through the motions, getting into my armor and gearing up. And then we're at the airlock. Garrus is leading and I don't try to stop him. This is his mission. He needs this, and I'm just here for him. "Shepard?" Joker murmurs softly from the cockpit. "Going on a mission with Archangel. You know that, right?"
"I know, Joker. I'm...I don't know what to do." Tali touches my shoulder, Garrus three feet away and oblivious. He's too lost in his revenge, in his vengeance. "I don't know what would hurt him more. Letting him do this or stopping him. Especially me stopping him."
EDI announces that the airlock is opening, and Joker squeezes my hand before we leave him. We leave the ship, following Garrus into his darkness. Well, first into the C-Sec office where Garrus greets Bailey like everything is normal.
"What can I help you with?" he asks, greeting us happily after shaking all of our hands. He's been nicer to Garrus since I promised that Garrus did in fact call home and let his family know that he's not dead.
"I need to find a local forger," Garrus tells him. "Goes by Fade."
Bailey makes a face. "Yeah, I know him. The alias, anyway. He's been a thorn in the Network division's side for the last year. He works with the Blue Suns."
"Figures," Garrus scoffs. He gives me a look and I nod. The guy who got his team killed by a gang worked with a gang to do it. That'll make all this much worse. "Where can we find him?"
"If I knew that, he'd be in a cell. Best I can do is put you on the trail." Bailey pulls up data on a console and transfers it onto a datapad. "There's a warehouse in the marketplace. Some of Fade's contacts work out of there. Go ask them some questions. Gently, of course."
He adds that last part while looking right at me, and I drop open my jaw to feign offense. "Why are you looking at me?"
At least it gets Garrus to laugh. He focuses again quickly though and asks, "Why haven't you been able to catch him?
"Whoever he is, he's damn good at avoiding C-Sec," Bailey answers. He doesn't look angry with himself which makes me think this Fade is just good. "I think someone on the inside is feeding him information. Either that, or he's got access to our databases and comm channels. I don't know which is worse." He shrugs. "But you're outside C-Sec. Maybe you can nail his ass."
Garrus nods and then looks to me, still aware enough to check with me before just marching off on the rest of the mission. And he's still aware enough that I can trust him, so I do. "We're gonna get going," he tells Bailey.
"Sure. You need anything else, let me know. Thanks in advance for taking out my trash."
We said goodbye to him and part, aiming for the warehouse on the datapad. Every time we've been to the Citadel recently, Garrus can't walk through the markets without getting distracted by video game and vacation stores. Or the sex stores; he snuck in last time and ordered a strap on which should be delivered soon. Today, Garrus doesn't even look around. He's every moment a soldier, not a bit the Turian I know so well.
He leads us down the stairs and toward the warehouse, single minded. So much so that he misses a datapad just sitting on a crate outside and I have to call him back. And once we read it, I'm damn glad we did stop. "Garrus, listen to this. Anto Bek'tall is a member of the criminal organization headed up by Aria T'Loak, often considered the pirate queen of Omega. While Aria's gang is mostly airtight, Anto has an eye toward outside work. Whether this is an exploitable hold, we're not sure."
Garrus growls and takes the datapad from me, scanning it quickly and then using his Omni-Tool to gather any hidden data. "I'm gonna send this to Aria."
"Are you asking or telling?"
"I'm..." He looks up at me and blinks. "I thought you'd be okay with it."
"I am. And I'm okay giving you the lead on this mission. But don't run me over, big guy. Okay?"
Garrus returns to me for another moment, his face and eyes softening. "Of course, Shepard. I'm sorry."
Are these little moments all I'm ever going to have again?
"No need to be sorry. Let's just...get this over with."
Garrus gives me a weird look, like he's trying to read me but can't. He can always read me, except right now. And I can't read him either. Just like when I first got him back, Garrus is right there and miles away from me.
And he doesn't seem bothered by it at all, suddenly pulling his dark mask back up and then leading us on again. All that matters now is his revenge. It's selfish to want to matter at all in a moment like this, but I do. I want to matter because if I don't matter, I can't get through that darkness.
I'm losing him.
I don't realize my hand is shaking until Tali grabs it. I nod and take a breath, pulling myself together. I can't let Garrus see it, can't let him notice. I cannot let him believe that I am going to betray him, now or ever.
"This looks like the place," Garrus says as we approach a warehouse. "The forger's thugs should be inside."
We walk into the warehouse, me on Garrus's right hand this time. There are stacks of crates along the wall, and a grizzled Krogan leaning against some of them. He eyes us and then straightens a bit but doesn't make a move more than to look toward the other side of the room.
From where he's looking, another Krogan emerges. And from behind him, a Volus. It's the Volus who comes to stand in front of us, the Krogan his bodyguards.
"Fade?" Garrus asks, sounding just as suspicious as I feel. "You're not quite how I imagined you."
"Looks can be deceiving," he breathes. "So...which one of you wants to disappear?"
"I'd rather see you make someone reappear."
The Volus shakes his head. "Ah. That's not the service we provide."
"Make an exception." Garrus grins and then, in a flash, he's pulled his pistol and has it lined up at the Volus's forehead. "Just this once."
"Damn it. Quick, shoot them! Shoot them, you lumbering mountains!"
They draw their weapons, one of them looking right at me, and we're given no choice. I take no joy in shooting first, in taking both the Krogan down this way. I don't like being put into positions where I have no choice. But Garrus grins through the whole thing. He likes that we drew blood first on this mission.
It gets the Volus to realize what's happening here though, and his shoulders fall. "Why do I even bother?"
"We need to find a client of yours," I tell him. "I suggest you cooperate."
"Wait!" He steps away from the barrel of Garrus's pistol, but Garrus follows. The Volus is unarmed and cooperating, and Garrus still has a gun to his head. "I'm not the one you want to talk to. I'm not Fade."
Garrus scoffs. "I knew it." He lowers his pistol and kneels, coming eye to eye with the Volus. And somehow that is much, much scarier than the gun judging by the way the Volus shakes. "Maybe you'd like to tell me where to find him."
"Y-yes! Of course!" the Volus stammers. "He's in the factory district, works out of the old prefab foundry."
Garrus nods and glances at me. "I know the place."
"Uh...he's got a lot of mercs there...Blue Suns. Harkin thinks they're protecting him," the Volus continues, a real font of information now. I hate that violence worked. That's not what I needed Garrus to see.
"Harkin?" I echo. Garrus stands, and he looks just as surprised. "Okay, wait. What do the Blue Suns have to do with this?"
"They use his services...to help their people infiltrate businesses and various organizations here on the Citadel."
"Bastard," Garrus growls. "Harkin's using C-Sec to help those scum."
The Volus starts shaking his head wildly. "No, no, no. Well, not really. He got fired from C-Sec a while ago. But he still knows the systems."
"Interesting...but it changes nothing," Garrus says, turning to look at me. "We still need to find him before we can get to Sidonis."
I remember Harkin. He was a total dick to me the first time we met, calling me princess and making comments about how I look in my armor. If Garrus had been there, Harkin would probably be dead now. And now Harkin is a blatant criminal and using his knowledge of C-Sec to aid other criminals. I'm not going to tolerate that.
"I'm looking forward to seeing him again," I admit. I wish I hadn't said it when Garrus smiles. It's not the smile I love on him.
"I'm sure he'll be excited to see both of us," he quips, voice low and gravelly. He sounds dangerous. Deadly. "We'll need to go to the transit station. I can get us to him from there."
I nod, and the Volus starts shifting around like he needs an opportunity to run away. "So, I...I can go?"
"Sure," Garrus answers with a shrug. "But if we don't find Harkin...we'll be back for you."
We absolutely will not, not in the way Garrus is saying it, but I keep my mouth shut for the moment. Part of me needs to know that Garrus can come back, and how he continues to behave today will tell me that. And the rest of me really needs Garrus to know that I'm not going to betray him.
The Volus leaves us, and Garrus spins away quickly, marching back out of the warehouse and toward a rapid transit station immediately. Tali walks by my side, silent. Too quiet. She wants to say things, I know it. And I want to say things to, to Tali and to Garrus, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I hate that.
All of us are silent the entire way through the warehouse district, Garrus driving. He knows the way around the shadier parts of this station from C-Sec, not the way he knows Omega. Today, they both still bother me.
Garrus parks the rapid transit, sliding the car to a smooth stop outside an entrance to a warehouse. There are two Blue Suns guarding the entrance, and that's a damn good sign we're in the right place.
I scramble out of the car to stay close to Garrus, unwilling to let him out of my sight today, and as we stand, Harkin comes into view. He looks older than the last time I saw him, but still as grumpy and drunk. He notices Garrus first and takes a step backward, scared of my guy on sight. And then he notices me, and his expression is almost comical.
"Shepard?" he asks, eyes wide like he's seeing a ghost. He shakes his head rapidly, shaking it off, and snaps, "Don't just stand there, stop them! Stop them!" And while his Blue Suns raise their weapons to do his dirty work, Harkin turns and runs like the dirty, pathetic coward he is.
"Run all you want, Harkin! We'll find you," Garrus shouts after him, his rifle already in his hand while we take cover.
The Blue Suns take seconds to take out, and I'm almost disappointed at that. This is it, we're barreling toward Sidonis and the source of Garrus's darkness now. I need more time, I'm not ready. And I'm not going to get it, so the best I can do is keep him alive.
We press into the warehouse, greeted by LOKI mechs that are also almost too easy to take down. Either we're getting really good or Harkin should have spent the money on much, much better defenses.
Garrus is even more efficient and deadly than usual while we move through the warehouse, using a maze of crates and stacks to our advantage. But he's more reckless too. He's either forgotten or stopped caring about our agreement to be cautious to keep one another from feeling the physical pain of threats to one another's lives.
There are a lot of LOKI mechs, but we fight our way through and wipe them all out. "Harkin's in here somewhere," Garrus growls. "I can smell him."
"I don't want to know what that guy smells like." Tali chuckles, but I'm not even convinced Garrus heard my joke. He just keeps moving. Single-minded, dark, vengeance and murder the only things on his mind.
We move into the next section of the warehouse, this time facing more of the Blue Suns along with the LOKI mechs. These are a little more talented, but still barely a challenge. Garrus is moving forward quickly, too quickly, and all of us end up without cover more than once at his pace.
I end up without cover, and Garrus barely notices. Normally, he would tackle me and make me mad by being overprotective. Today, I'd settle for even a corner of his mind instead of the darkness that's consuming him. I'm losing Garrus to Sidonis.
At the end of this section of the warehouse, we use a console to lower a bridge and lead us into the next section. "We're getting close," Garrus murmurs.
"We have to get there alive," I note. "Can we show a little caution, please?"
"And what if Harkin gets away because we're being cautious?" Garrus retorts. "I lose my only lead to Sidonis, everything I've done will have been for nothing. You told me that you were with me, Shepard, has that changed?"
"Garrus!" Tali hisses.
I hold up a hand to keep her back, shaking my head. Garrus is right. I made him a promise, and I have to keep it. He needs this, and he needs me, and I...I have to do what's right for him. I have to make up for the past, and today is my chance.
"You're right," I tell him. "I'm on your six."
Garrus just nods and turns away. He can barely think of me. And then we're in battle again so none of us should be thinking of anything but that. Garrus is focused, Tali is doing her job...and I'm distracted. I'm terrified. I feel nauseous. Not even the YMIR mech is enough to get my mind off of Garrus.
We manage to take it down anyway even when I'm at maybe half my best. Maybe it's for the best that Garrus isn't focused on me right now because he'd be very upset if he were. We press forward into a room with a glass window that looks over the final section of the warehouse. Garrus walks up to the window and scans the room, finally being strategic. It's a much needed moment to talk to him for me.
"So...Harkin's finally gone completely bad," I note, coming up behind him.
"He was always a pain in the ass, but I'm in no mood for his games," he growls. "If he doesn't cooperate, I'll beat him within an inch of his life."
Tali turns and looks at me. I don't need to see her face to know what she's thinking or that she looks appalled. No one on my team behaves that way. And I feel completely unable to react, to reject it. I feel...helpless.
"Garrus...are you okay? You're a lot more tense than usual."
"Nothing about this is the usual, Shepard." He shakes his head slowly. "Harkin may know why Sidonis wanted to disappear. If so, he knows why we're here, and I don't want him tipping Sidonis off."
I start to speak, but Garrus's head snaps back to the window in a way I know is a signal. He's seen something, and I join him to watch. When I see it too, something big moving at the other end of the warehouse, we both draw our weapons and get cover, Garrus ducking below the window while I slide beside it. I signal for Tali to do the same.
Garrus murmurs, "Did you see that?"
"I saw something."
"He's getting ready for us."
I nod, taking the chance to get into his head a little. Maybe this isn't as bad as I fear. "What do you think Harkin's got waiting for us in there?"
"Not sure. Looks like an industrial complex...heavy machinery. Could be anything." He shakes his head and looks up at me. "Something's in there...probably more Blue Suns."
And he's probably right. Harkin had time to set us up, and he's got the advantage in this position.
"Harkin's kinda trapped himself in a corner," Garrus notes. "He must have something in store for us if he plans to get out."
At least his mind is intact. But it's his heart and soul I have questions about. The things that make Garrus who he is, the things that make me love him.
"What are you going to do with Harkin if he won't cooperate, Garrus?" I ask. I don't want to ask, I don't want to know the answer, but that's exactly why I have to.
Garrus scoffs. "He's a real criminal now, working for the Blue Suns. I should just shoot him on sight." He takes a breath and shakes his head. "But I need him alive, so I won't do any permanent damage. Just enough to loosen his tongue."
"Don't go too far," I warn him, keeping my voice calm so that it's not an order. Garrus doesn't need orders to do what's right. "You don't need to hurt him to get what you want."
"Don't worry, Harkin's a coward. He'll talk long before I can really hurt him."
"You're kind of a big dude, big guy," I tease - or at least try to. "It won't take much for you to really hurt him. Just...keep control. Okay?"
"I always do." I guess we'll see if that's true.
"And Sidonis? You're still planning to kill him if you find him?"
Garrus looks up at me. "That's the plan. It'll be quick and painless. Unlike everyone he betrayed, he'll be spared the agony of a slow death. It's more than he deserves, but as long as he's dead, I'll be satisfied."
"Garrus..." I kneel in front of him and cover his hand on the rifle. "Do you really think killing Sidonis will make things right?"
Ice blue eyes flash. "My entire team was murdered because of Sidonis. Twelve lives lost. Nothing - nothing - will make that right." I nod and start to pull my hand back because what the hell else can I say, but Garrus catches my fingers. "I know you don't like it, Shepard, but I have to do this."
"Is there no other way?" Even I can hear the desperation in my voice. This will not end well, I know it, and I can feel my heart breaking along with my voice.
"Maybe. But this is personal. I'll pull the trigger, and I'll live with the consequences. All I'm asking is that you help me find him."
And there it is. I'm officially letting Garrus make a huge mistake and potentially risk his soul for personal revenge. I'm letting this happen. At this point, I don't know how to stop it. Is it too late?
"Let's go find him."
"Right behind you."
We dive right back into battle, moving into the remainder of the warehouse where Sidonis has himself trapped. "Shepard, I have patched into the warehouse scanners," EDI tells us over the comms. "The crates in the transport carriers overhead are rigged to explode when dropped."
She's barely done before Harkin is screaming at us over the comms, too. "Why don't you just turn around?"
Garrus just laughs and blows the head off a LOKI mech at the far opposite end of the warehouse, at least three hundred yards off. It's a gorgeous shot, and I can't even enjoy it.
We get down to business, again using the layout of the warehouse to move strategically, using platforms in here as well. The Blue Suns are doing the same, but they aren't as good at it as we are. We get down to it, shooting and moving as a team. At least Garrus can still fight with us.
"I'm not hiding from you!" Harkin screams.
"He's going to regret that," Garrus retorts.
We get to the end of the warehouse where a ramp leads up to an office space. Harkin must be in the office. But we can't approach. Not yet.
Garrus reads my mind when he groans, "Oh, crap. Two heavy mechs, incoming!"
Right on cue, two YMIR Mechs are dropped from cranes, almost definitely controlled by Harkin. "Do you really think you can take me down, Vakarian? You and your girlfriend?" he shouts.
It's more insulting than it should be to get called Garrus's girlfriend, especially by someone who knows damn well who I am. Being Garrus's girlfriend is a joy but I'll shove my rifle up Harkin's ass if he needs to remember just who and what I am.
Tali's exceptional tech skills combined with firepower from me and Garrus, and we're able to wear down - and through - both mechs. We're then just a few remaining mech away from the office...and from Harkin. And then Garrus is racing us up over levels of crates and to the office. I don't think the guy can escape from another direction but Garrus isn't going to slow for anything.
We approach low and keeping in cover, weapons drawn. Garrus motions to me and then ducks around the office, heading for the other entrance. He's hoping Harkin will run, and even having met the guy exactly once, I know he's gonna run.
"Are you ready for this?" Tali whispers.
"Not even a little."
I raise my pistol, my gift from Garrus and the weapon he once tried to kill himself with, and lead Tali into the office. Harkin throws himself away from the monitors, hands up, and starts backing quickly toward the other door. "You were close," he spits. "But not close en - "
Harkin turns to run for the other door halfway through his sentence, and he's gut off when Garrus meets him with the butt of his rifle. Harkin screams and falls back, but Garrus doesn't let him get all the way to the floor, instead grabbing him by the shoulder and throwing Harkin into the wall.
Garrus follows him against the wall, pinning him there with a strong forearm at Harkin's throat, blood pouring from Harkin's nose.
"So, Fade," he growls. "Couldn't make yourself disappear, huh?"
"Come on, Garrus. We can work this out," Harkin breathes, his voice shaky. "What do ya need?"
Garrus releases him and turns away, pacing back to the window slowly. "I'm looking for someone," he murmurs.
"Well...I guess we both have something the other wants," Harkin replies, a little cockier now that Garrus isn't towering over him or choking him. As a reward for that, Garrus whirls back around, marches up to Harkin, and drives his knee into Harkin's gut. This time, Harkin drops all the way to the floor.
Tali gasps and grabs my elbow, but I wait. He at least deserves me waiting. Or maybe I can get Harkin to behave and cooperate, solve this problem for all of us.
"Harkin, you really need to tell him what we need to know. This is only going to get worse for you."
"Maybe," he coughs out, stumbling back to his feet. "But I still haven't heard what you want."
"You helped a friend of mine disappear. I need to find him," Garrus says, voice and posture deadly. He's like a coiled spring, ready to launch.
Harkin huffs, wiping at his nose now that the blood has stopped flowing freely. "I might need a little more information than that."
"His name was Sidonis, a Turian, came from the - "
"I know who he is," Harkin cuts in, all of a sudden standing his ground, "and I'm not telling you squat."
I step closer, signaling to Garrus to wait when I know he wants to hit Harkin again, and press, "Harkin, this doesn't have to be hard."
He snarls at me. "Blow me, Princess." I could signal all day, and it doesn't stop Garrus from backhanding him for that. But Harkin hasn't learned yet. He straightens himself back off the wall. "I don't give out client information. It's bad for business."
Garrus hits him in the gut hard, and Harkin drops like a rock. And then Garrus moves in and plants his boot on Harkin's throat, staring down at the man. "You know what else is back for business? A broken neck!"
Harkin is thrashing and choking, shoving at Garrus's foot and gasping for air. "Alright, alright! Get off me!"
Garrus doesn't move, doesn't make like he's going to back off. If the guy dies, Garrus won't get what he needs. I finally move in and take his shoulder, not pulling him back but letting him know that I'm there. Garrus looks at me, and instead of giving me any sort of nod or understanding, he growls and yanks his foot back from Harkin. He's not happy about it. And I don't know what to do about that.
Harkin moans and groans, trying to get himself slowly into a seated position. "Terminus really changed you, huh, Garrus?"
I hate that I agree with Harkin.
"No...but Sidonis opened my eyes. Now arrange a meeting."
Harkin gets himself up, and Garrus motions him toward the console. He scowls heavily and groans, "I'm going," and walks over to the console. Garrus stays close, both to stop him and to read over his shoulder.
I look to Tali and shake my head, hoping she has answers or an idea. What the fuck are we doing here?
Harkin opens a call, and we can only hear his end of it. "Yeah, it's me. There's a chance your identity may be compromised."
I can see Garrus growing even more on edge. He knows that Harkin is speaking to Sidonis, that he's so close.
"That's why I'm calling," Harkin continues. "I'm sending an agent. Where do you want to meet?"
Garrus starts examining his rifle, priming it. Like he plans to use it. Right now.
"Alright, he'll be there. Don't worry. I got it covered." Harkin ends the call and shakes his head, then turns back to us, pulling his bravado back up. "It's all good. He wants to meet you in front of Orbital Lounge. Middle of the day."
Garrus gives me a look and I nod, confirming we're going.
"So..." Harkin starts to fidget. "If our business is done, I'll be going..."
He takes half a step backward before Garrus grabs him by the collar and lifts the man right off his feet, bringing Harkin eye to eye with him. "I don't think so. You're a criminal now, Harkin."
"So, what? You're just gonna kill me?" Hark demands, kicking his legs a little. "That's not your style, Garrus."
That's where Harkin is mistaken. He's not dealing with Garrus Vakarian. No, this is Archangel, doling out black and white justice in a world with none.
But Garrus releases him, even takes a step back. I have a second of relief until I see Garrus's finger move to the trigger on his rifle. "Kill you?" he all but growls. "No. But I don't mind slowing you down a little."
Garrus aims low, Harkin's knee his target, but I move in as quickly as I can and grab his elbow. I jerk his arm up, the rifle firing into the ceiling and Garrus gawking at me. "You don't need to shoot him. He won't be able to hide from C-Sec now."
I keep his gaze, waiting for him to blow, maybe even shoot me instead. His gaze hardens, but he lowers his arm entirely and then steps back. "I guess it's your lucky day."
"Yeah." Harkin chuckles. This guy never learns his lesson. "Yeah, I hope we can do this again real soon."
I scoff and roll my eyes at him, then turn away. I'm ready to be done with this, ready to move on. I hear a thud, a yelp, and then a louder thud. When I whirl back around, Harkin is on the ground, holding a new wound on his head.
Garrus turns, shouldering me aside as he marches toward the door. "I didn't shoot him," he snaps.
And now I'm the bad guy. I'm against him, as far as Garrus is concerned. That's exactly the position I didn't want to be in today, it's exactly where I promised him I wouldn't be. We haven't even found Sidonis yet, and I'm failing him.
I have to fix this.
We get back into the Rapid Transit, Tali wringing her hands so intently I'm worried she's going to hurt herself. The tension in the car is thick enough that you'd need a sword to cut through it, and Garrus is vibrating with it.
He's in control of the car, speeding way too smoothly. I want to scold him for it but I think I'll be the next one to get headbutted. "Harkin's a bloody menace," he growls. "We shouldn't have just let him go. He deserved to be punished."
"Garrus...I'm starting to get worried about you. You were pretty hard on Harkin."
He turns to glare at me for a second. "You don't think he deserved it?"
"I...it's just not like you."
What else could I possibly say? I let him know that I'm worried, I'm concerned, but if I say anymore...
I should say more. I know I should. I have a duty as his commander and as his best friend and especially as his girlfriend. We're partners, we're a team. And I'm letting half of my team make a massive mistake?
My heart starts to race, and I can feel breakfast whirling around in my stomach which only annoys me because I ate breakfast - a real breakfast - hoping it would make Garrus happy! If I throw up, we're going to be mad at each other.
Garrus parks the car and takes a breath, staring through the window. "What do you want from me, Shepard? What would you do if someone betrayed you?"
"I'm not sure," I admit. "But I wouldn't let it change me."
"Yeah? I would have said the same thing before it happened to me."
He moves to open the door, and my heart leaps into my throat. I grasp his thigh, desperate to get him to hear me before I'm forced into a corner. Before I hate myself for letting him do something he'll regret or I have to make him hate me.
"It's not too late, Garrus. You don't have to go through with this."
"Damn it," he breathes. He turns back to me, blue eyes blazing. "Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done, nobody else cares. You know...you know what he did. You know he needs to see justice. I don't see any other options."
"Just...give me a chance. Let me talk to him."
Garrus shakes his head and sighs, throwing his head back into the seat. "Talk all you want, it won't change my mind. I don't care what his reasons were, he screwed us. He killed all of them, and he deserves to die."
The worst part is that I don't even disagree. I think Sidonis should die for what he did, I think he deserves to suffer. But I know that if I let Garrus kill him, if I let Garrus chase vengeance, Garrus will suffer. And he is the last person who deserves that.
"Do you really believe that?" I ask him, studying his face and finding nothing familiar. "I understand what you're going through. But do you really want to kill him?"
"Shepard, I...I appreciate your concern. I really do." He shakes his head and sits forward again, looking through the window. "But I'm not you."
"This isn't you either."
I hear Tali gasp softly from the backseat, and Garrus gives an emotionless chuckle. "Really? I've always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this..." Another laugh, this one full of pain. "Why should he go on living while my entire team lies in unmarked graves?"
I don't know what to say to that. I don't know how to answer it. I hate this.
"I'm sorry, Shepard. Words aren't going to fix this." He takes a deep breath and looking through the windshield, pulling himself back together. "I need to set up. I can get a clear shot from over there." He points toward some scaffolding at the edge of an alley."
"What do you need me to do?" It's one of the hardest questions I've ever been forced to ask.
"Keep him talking and don't get in my way. I'll let you know when he's in my sights. Give me a signal so I know you're ready, and I'll take the shot. You better go. He'll be here soon."
He climbs out of the car and lets the door shut, then pauses to look down at me through the glass window. I don't know what he sees on my face or in my eyes, but there's a flash of real Garrus. Of scared, hurt Garrus who needs someone to help him. And then he's gone, walking away to go murder someone.
I start the car back up and drive to our meeting spot with Sidonis, to help Garrus commit his murder.
"You will do the right thing, Shepard," Tali tells me firmly from the backseat. "Whatever decision you make, I will be confident in knowing that it's the right thing to do. And Garrus will know that, too."
I can't answer her. I have no idea what I would say. She trusts me, and I don't even know what I'm going to do.
As I park the car and we climb out, Garrus comes in over the private comms, speaking into my headset. "Shepard? Can you hear me?"
"Loud and clear."
"I have eyes on you," he informs us. I can feel his scope watching us, his eyes on us, and I don't look up toward where he is. I just hate that he's watching. "There he is. Sitting on the couch, blue and red. See him?"
"Affirmative." Sidonis is the most fidgety guy on the entire Citadel. It would be impossible to miss him. He looks like he's aware that there's a sniper rifle on him even though he can't have any idea yet. "Wave him over so you're not around so many people, and keep him talking."
I catch his eye and motion him over. Sidonis looks around a little and then approaches, standing in front of me. He's not as tall as Garrus, and he's noticeably thin. I wonder if that's his build or because of his quality of life now.
"Let's get this over with," he mutters.
"You're in my shot," Garrus tells me. "Move to the side."
Moment of truth. If I move, Garrus becomes a murderer. If I move, Garrus will be haunted by the darkness in his mind and soul for the rest of his life. Even if it doesn't swallow him whole, it will grow the moment he pulls that trigger.
If I don't move, I could lose him. I could hurt him, betray him all over again.
I know which one will hurt more, and I know which one is right. And so I make my choice, and plant my feet.
"Listen, Sidonis. I'm here to help you."
Sidonis immediately starts looking around, panic flashing over his face. "Don't ever say that name aloud."
"I'm a friend of Garrus's. He wants you dead, but I'm hoping that's not necessary."
Now his mandibles nearly hit the floor. "Garrus?! Is this some kind of sick joke?" He starts to step back, and I follow. I can't give my sniper the angle.
"Damn it, Shepard!" Garrus snaps in my ear. "If he moves, I'm taking the shot."
The deadliest sniper in the galaxy has me in his sights. This morning, I was entirely confident that Garrus - even in a rage - wouldn't hurt me. Now...I'm between Garrus and his justice. Now, I'm not so sure.
"Shit, you're not kidding are you?" Sidonis murmurs, studying my face. "Screw this, I'm not sticking around here to find out. Tell Garrus I had my own problems."
He starts to turn away and I grab his arm. "Don't move!"
"Get off me!" he shouts, throwing my arm off.
"Listen, I am the only thing standing between you and a bullet in the head," I inform him, considering popping him in the knee. That would ruin the angle of Garrus's shot, too.
"Fuck! He's here isn't he?" Sidonis definitely knows how good Garrus is, judging by the way he puts himself directly in front of me. "Fuck! Look...I didn't want to do it. I didn't have a choice!"
"Everyone has a choice," Garrus growls in my ears.
"They got to me!" Sidonis continues, starting to lose his cool rapidly. "Said they'd kill me if I didn't help. What was I supposed to do?"
I have about a dozen immediate answers to that which don't involve betraying his team. Again, that's not going to give the right message in the moment.
"Let me take the shot, Shepard. He's a damn coward!" Garrus says in my ear. And he's right.
"That's it?" I demand. "You were just trying to save yourself?"
"I..." Sidonis cuts himself off and stops short, giving me a weird look. And then he exhales hard. "Wow. You're...you're her, aren't you? You're Shepard."
I blink at him, and Sidonis actually cracks a smile, though it doesn't look like a happy smile in any way.
"He didn't talk about you often, not directly. Too hard for him. But when he did, it was about your eyes. I'd recognize your eyes anywhere." Sidonis motions toward a railing, and I follow him, shifting to stay in the way while he leans down. It's not casual; he leans like the weight of the world is pressing on him. "I don't know how you're here, but Garrus needed you. He...he was never really with us, you know?"
"I do not know," I snap. "Garrus was dedicated to your team, completely. And Garrus is always loyal."
"I'm not saying that he wasn't loyal to us. We couldn't have had a better leader." He almost smiles. Darkness takes it over too quickly, squashing it. It's just like what used to happen to Garrus when he smiled. It's the smile of a man overcome by pain. "If you had come back...you know, before I did what I did...Garrus would have left us for you." He looks up at me. "He cared about us. But he was never going to care about anyone the way he cared about you. And we all knew it."
Once again, I have no idea what to say. Garrus is silent on my headset, too. I wonder if I'll ever find out what he's thinking at this moment. Sidonis thinks he would have ditched his team and Omega for me, but Garrus can't even talk to me about Omega.
Sidonis exhales hard, and it shakes me out of the thoughts. "I know what I did. I know they died because of me, and I have to live with that." He takes another breath, and this one is shaky. "I wake up every night...sick, screaming. Each of their faces, staring at me...accusing me."
His head falls, and then suddenly he straightens, and I have to shift again to stay in the shot. "I'm already a dead man. I don't sleep. Food has no taste. Some days I just want it to be over."
"Just give me the chance," Garrus growls.
I don't move, don't turn, but now I talk to Garrus. "You've got to let this go, Garrus. He's already paying for his crime."
"He hasn't paid enough," Garrus counters. "He still has his life."
"Look at him, Garrus. He's not alive. There's nothing left to kill." Sidonis doesn't object, doesn't defend himself. He knows it's true, too. This man is a broken shell. And he deserves to be in this much pain, every day for many years.
Garrus does not.
"My team," Garrus presses, his voice breaking and piercing me right through the chest. "They deserved better."
Sidonis looks at me. "Could you...could you tell Garrus..." He sighs. "I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right."
There's nothing else I can say now either. So I wait and leave the final choice to Garrus. For the next few moments, he's silent. He sighs slowly before saying anything.
"Just...go. Tell him to go," Garrus breathes. My heart skips, a flash of relief in a few days that have been absolute hell.
"He's giving you a second chance, Sidonis. Don't waste it."
Sidonis takes another shaky breath and nods. I can see him trembling. "I'll try. Tell him I'll try. I'll make it up to him somehow." He looks at me. "Thank you. For talking to him."
"I didn't do it for you."
I turn my back to Sidonis and start walking away, heading back to Garrus. Tali catches up with me quickly, and she grabs my hand. My heart is racing, and I can barely breathe. I don't know what to expect when I get back to Garrus.
"You did the right thing," Tali whispers.
"I did exactly what I promised I wouldn't do," I counter. "If he raises that rifle at my face, just turn away so you're not complicit."
We get back in the rapid transit, and I speed back to where Garrus should be waiting, only able to take a breath at all when he's waiting there. At least he hasn't ditched me entirely yet.
I get out of the car, hoping for a minute before we have to go back, but Garrus puts a hand up immediately. "Do not," he snaps, not looking at me and his voice very low. Bad low. "I don't want to talk about this with you."
"Garrus, I know that didn't go the way it planned, but - "
Garrus slams his fist down onto the rapid transit beside me, making me jump out of my skin. I thought he was going to hit me. For that split second, I was afraid of him for the first time. "Don't fucking talk to me. I...cannot." He shoves off the car, stepping back. "I'll find my own way back to the ship. I need...I need to not be near you."
He turns to walk away and takes my heart with him. I call his name because I can't help it, the sight of his back too painful. He ignores me. He doesn't react, not at all. I see him pull off his visor, the custom visor with his team names that I bought him, and shove it into his pocket. I slump back against the car, and Tali scrambles out, throwing her arms around me. "Oh, Shepard. He's coming back to the ship, he just needs a minute to think about it."
I scoff at that. "He's going to come back to the ship because of his sense of duty. He'll come back because he can't help it, the bond traps him with me. Tali, I promised I wouldn't hurt him today," I breathe, a burn creeping up my throat and behind my eyes. "I told him...I was supposed to have his six. I knew he'd hate me for it, but..."
"You did what you had to do."
I grab onto Tali's arm, clinging to the closest thing I have to a sister, to my family. I brought her for Garrus, but it's me who needs her terribly right now.
"Tali. I need you to tell me that it was worth it. I need you to tell me that what I had to do is worth losing the love of my life. He's going to hate me, and I need saving him to be worth it."
