TWENTY EIGHT
Sasuke is surprised when no one comes chasing after him. But he's grateful, as he feels his anger begin to fade with the distance he puts between them.
Because I love him!
Sasuke bites his lip until it bleeds, as his own shouted words echo in his head. They feel like the pounding of a drum, like a hand wrapping around his heart and twisting.
I love him. I hate him.
He pushes of one of the tree branches with too much force. It breaks beneath his shoe, crashing down a hundred feet below.
It takes him a whole twenty minutes to calm himself down. To stop his hands from shaking around the straps of his bag, to stop the fire raging in his veins, to stop seeing bloody streets and broken bodies.
He pushes from tree to tree, leaving his teammates far behind him on the ground, and he forces himself to breathe.
He stops to rest on a sturdy branch, leaning his back against the trunk of the tree. He's far ahead of the other three, and there's no harm in stopping. If they aren't chasing after him, then they won't catch up for a while.
He leans his head back against the tree, the bark digging into his spine. A strand of damp hair falls into his eyes, and he flicks it away with his fingers. He stares up at the sunlight peeking through the trees.
It's ridiculous, but he feels like the weather is mocking him. What right does it have to be so warm and bright when he feels so miserable?
Sasuke closes his eyes. He wants to punch something. He wants to fight someone. He settles for tightening his injured hand into a fist, focusing on the sharp pain that cuts through his anger.
Naruto doesn't understand, Sasuke thinks with clenched teeth. None of them do. How dare they stand there and act like they do?
But his anger is fading now, and he can't hate them like he had only a few moments ago. Because he remembers Sakura's arms around him. He remembers Kakashi opening his door to him, letting him into his apartment.
Naruto, however, still angers him. Acting like he can understand—and why had Itachi been after him—
("You don't interest me at the moment.")
Sasuke hates how the words tear him apart. He hates how much they hurt, how much they matter.
Because I love him, he shouted, and he hates that it's true.
Sasuke doesn't know how it's possible to both hate and love the same person so much, to the point where the snarled knot of emotion is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode in his chest. The grief and hope, disgust and longing, hate and love, are too much for one body to contain, and it's tearing him apart from the inside out. Why can't he just let go?
There's a kunai at his waist. And it would be so easy to stop feeling anything at all.
Sasuke imagines it again—how easy it would be. He wonders if Itachi would even care.
("You're nothing to me.")
Something brushes against Sasuke's chakra. A presence. Sasuke straightens immediately, instantly alert. His spiraling thoughts fall away, his mind instantly sharpening. Something is watching him.
The Curse Mark responds to the presence. Even with the seal around it, he can feel it pulsing, just beneath his skin. His hand wraps around his kunai, his heart pounding.
How could he be careless enough to let his guard down so thoroughly?
The leaves rustle in the tree across from him—not the wind. Sasuke hurls his kunai, deadly and precise. It hits, and the rustling stops.
Sasuke jumps over to the other tree, landing lightly in a crouch. He brushes the leaves aside, and when he sees it, his fingernails dig into the mark on his shoulder.
It's a small white snake, now writhing around the kunai pinning it.
They catch up to Sasuke at the border of the Land of Rivers. From there, they take to the trees. Sasuke doesn't say a word, and simply rejoins them like nothing happened.
But Naruto knows better. He can see it in Sasuke's face.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" Sakura asks in a whisper.
Not is he okay, but will he be okay. Because whatever he is now, okay is definitely not it.
Naruto stares at the Uchiha crest on the back of Sasuke's shirt. The sick feeling in his stomach from when Sasuke yelled at him still hasn't gone away.
"I don't know."
You don't understand at all, he said.
Sasuke was right. Naruto doesn't.
He thought he did. He believed he could. He and Sasuke are the same—that's something he's always believed, even in the times when he tried to ignore it. And Naruto still believes that, still believes that they can share each other's pain—but they can't share all of it, and that's what Naruto didn't understand.
Naruto is defined by his loneliness. But for Sasuke, it is grief that has wrapped around his neck and refuses to let go.
(Grief—and betrayal.)
"Did you know?" Sakura asks quietly, as they both jump to the next branch. She keeps her voice low enough so that their two other teammates in front of them don't hear. "Did you know about… about what Sasuke-kun saw in the Tsukuyomi?"
Naruto bites his lip. "No. I didn't."
He thinks about that hallway again—fingers wrapping around Sasuke's cold throat. He thinks of the cold eyes that stared down at him. Sasuke's screams.
A burst of hatred goes through him. He doesn't think he's ever hated anyone so much—not even the villagers that used to kick at his ankles.
"Itachi Uchiha…" Sakura says lowly, and Naruto looks over and sees his own feelings mirrored on her face. "I don't understand how someone can be so cruel."
Naruto doesn't say anything. He bites the inside of his cheek and keeps moving through the air.
Two weeks, he thinks, trying to understand the reality of what his friend was forced to endure. Two weeks of watching his family be killed. Even if that's only three times per hour…
Naruto shakes his head to dislodge the calculations his brain is already trying to make. He's horrible at math, and he isn't sure he wants to know the exact number anyway.
Sasuke had said he watched it thousands of times.
Neither of them talk for a long time. As the sky begins to grow dark, Kakashi is the first to break the silence, telling them that they're going to bunk down for the night.
"I was hoping we'd reach the town by nightfall," he says. "But we'll have to rest here. We'll need to increase our pace tomorrow."
For once, Naruto doesn't complain about sleeping on the ground instead of at an inn. He isn't tired anyway. The four of them pull their sleeping bags out. Sakura attempts to talk to Sasuke, but he brushes her off. He pulls his sleeping bag a good distance away from the rest of them.
Naruto knows he should try to talk to him. But his pride keeps him in place.
For a while, as he hears Sakura's breathing even out beside him, Naruto stares up at the trees, listening to the crickets. Sasuke's words repeat in his head, making it impossible for him to fall asleep. The heaviness in his chest hasn't gone away, and he's starting to think that the only way to make it is to talk to Sasuke.
With a huff, Naruto sits up. He looks over at Sasuke, a good ten feet away. He's laying with his back facing the rest of them, so Naruto can't tell if he's actually sleeping.
Kakashi isn't sleeping. He's sitting with his back against a tree, a copy of Icha Icha open in his hands.
Naruto moves quietly from his sleeping bag, walking over to him. "How can you read that in the dark?" he asks, plopping down next to him.
His sensei clearly heard his footsteps, because his gaze doesn't move from the novel. "Naruto. You should rest up for tomorrow."
"You're not sleeping either."
"I'm on watch."
"Oh," Naruto says. "But I thought this mission is only C-Rank. It's not supposed to be dangerous, right? So why does someone need to keep watch?"
Kakashi's eyebrow arches. "You do remember our last C-Rank, don't you?"
Naruto winces, flashing back to the feeling of Sasuke's body in his arms. "Okay. You make a good point."
The both of them are quiet. Kakashi sits reading his book, the only noise the crickets and the faint sound of breathing. Naruto gnaws on his lip, and his eyes keep flickering toward his sensei.
After about five minutes of Naruto glancing at him then quickly looking away, the Copy Ninja finally gets fed up. He sighs, closing his book and turning his attention to his student.
"Naruto, if you have something to say to me, then just come out and say it."
Naruto hesitates. "Why didn't you tell me and Sakura-chan about what Sasuke went through?"
"In the Tsukuyomi?" Naruto nods, and Kakashi places his hands over the book in his lap. "What makes you so sure I knew about it?"
"When Sasuke said it earlier… you didn't look surprised. Sakura-chan was, but you weren't."
Kakashi sighs. "Sometimes you're more observant than I give you credit for. You're right, I did know about it. But I didn't tell you because it wasn't my place. If it was something Sasuke wanted to share with you, then he would have."
Naruto nods. That makes sense.
He knows Sasuke never would have opened up to him about it, though. The only reason he told Naruto earlier is because Naruto managed to anger him enough for him to let it slip.
"I don't know how to help him," the jinchuuriki admits. "I thought I knew what he was going through… but really, I don't understand anything."
"That's not true," Kakashi tells him. "There are parts of what he's going through that you can't relate to. But that doesn't mean you can't understand each other in different ways. You can still help him through this."
Naruto scowls. "How? He's right that I don't understand. He had to watch his family die over a thousand times! That's horrible, Kakashi-sensei! It's awful! I haven't been through anything near that bad!"
Kakashi winces slightly. Naruto wonders if he's done the calculations himself—if he knows exactly how many times Sasuke watched his clan's death on repeat.
"Don't say that," he says. "You can't measure trauma like that. You and Sasuke were both affected by your childhood experiences."
"But his is way worse—"
Kakashi shakes his head again. "Just because someone else has gone through worse doesn't make your pain any less. Your pain isn't less than Sasuke's, it's just different. You're not always going to be able to understand every part of it, and that's okay."
Naruto considers the words for a moment. He's surprised to find that the heaviness in his chest has eased slightly. Some of his usual determination has crept back in.
He can do this. He can help his teammate, even if he can't perfectly understand.
"Wow, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto says. "Who knew you could actually say such wise things."
Kakashi scowls at him and cuffs him around the head, the seriousness of the moment broken. "I'm wise all the time. Watch it, or I'll make you take the next shift of watch."
Naruto stops immediately. He hates watch. It's so boring, and he always falls asleep, and then in the morning Sakura-chan always gets angry.
Kakashi pulls his book up to eye-level again—seriously, how is he reading it in the dark?—glancing briefly at Naruto.
"You should talk to him," he says, nodding in Sasuke's direction. "The two of you need to clear the air."
"He's sleeping."
"He's faking. He's still awake." Naruto makes an alarmed expression. Correctly guessing his thoughts, Kakashi continues, "Don't worry. He's too far away to hear us."
Naruto feels relief settle over him. Kakashi gives him a pointed look.
"Naruto, seriously. Talk to him. We still have quite a journey ahead of us tomorrow, and the silence between the two of you is unbearable."
Naruto bites his lip. He stares through the darkness at Sasuke's back. He can make out the faint outline of the Uchiha crest on his shirt.
"Okay. You're right."
"Sasuke. Psst, Sasuke! I know you're awake… Sasuke!"
Sasuke snarls at the familiar voice less than a foot away. He buries himself deeper in his sleeping bag, pressing himself closer to the hard ground beneath him.
"Get lost."
Naruto pauses for a moment, most likely stunned by his harsh tone. He quickly starts whispering again.
"But Kakashi-sensei said I should come talk to you—"
Sasuke squeezes his eyes shut tighter. "Then tell Kakashi to mind his own business."
"…Sasuke. Please."
Sasuke pauses. Naruto's tone is one he's rarely heard from him before. Sasuke expected him to get angry, but instead, his voice has gentled. It's become a plea.
Sasuke considers continuing to ignore him. He has a feeling that if he did, Naruto might actually let him this time instead of continuing to push. But the tiniest sliver of guilt goes through him, and before he fully registers making the decision, he's pushing himself into a sitting position.
"What?" he says. He brushes his hair from his face, narrowing his eyes in the darkness. "What do you want?"
"I wanted to talk to you about earlier. I wanted to say I'm sorry."
Sasuke blinks in surprise. Naruto is sitting in front of him, only about a foot of space between them. The expression on his face is sincere.
"You are?"
"I really was trying to help," he says. "But you're right that I didn't understand. So, yeah. I'm sorry."
He looks extremely uncomfortable saying the words. But he forces himself to meet Sasuke's eyes when he says them, as if they're something he needs to say.
Sasuke finds himself momentarily speechless. He and Naruto don't talk like this, not ever. One of them snipes at each other, and then the other one snipes back. That's how their relationship works. The only time either of them have anything approaching a genuine conversation is when one of them is literally on death's door.
(Sasuke remembers Haku's needles, the way his body moved without thought. He remembers the words he spoke to his teammate, the ones that he thought would be his last. Don't let your dream die.)
The thirteen-year-old swallows. Thinking of that time makes him feel vaguely guilty for earlier, which he hates, because he still agrees with everything he said to Naruto.
Naruto doesn't understand. And he has no business acting like he does.
But… now he's admitting it?
"Good," Sasuke tells him with a huff, turning his face away. "At least you can finally see that. Is that all you woke me up for?"
Irritation flashes across Naruto's face "You—why do you always have to do that? Why do you always have to be such a jerk? I'm trying to be your friend."
Sasuke bites down on the automatic words of you're not my friend. They aren't true, and Naruto knows they aren't true. Because Naruto is his friend, the closest thing to a friend he has—
("You must kill your closest friend.")
Sasuke flinches.
"I might not be able to understand what you're going through," Naruto says. "But I still want to try. And so does Sakura-chan. Because that's what teammates do. We're not just going to leave you alone when we know you're in pain."
Sasuke frowns. Absently, his hand moves up to cover the Curse Mark on his shoulder.
"When you yelled at me earlier," Naruto continues, "you said that losing your parents wasn't about being alone. But then what is it about? What makes it so painful?"
Sasuke experiences a flash of anger at the question. What makes it painful? Everything about it is painful!
He forces himself to calm down. Naruto sounds honestly confused, and Sasuke tries to look at it from his point of view. Naruto's never had any parents to miss—he's always been on his own. For him, it's always been the loneliness that eats away at him.
Sasuke feels his ache for them in his heart, just as strong as five years ago. He sees his father's smile, can smell his mother's perfume—
Itachi's two fingers against his forehead—
"When I think about everything that happened," Sasuke says slowly, "…when it… when it gets too much and I can't see anything else…"
Sasuke swallows slightly, breaking off. This is hard. He's never talked about it before. He's never wanted to before.
"When people try to talk to me about it… or try to understand it… they think that all I can focus on is how bad everything is. On being alone now. But it's not like that. It's more like, I can only think about how good everything used to be, and how it's not like that anymore, and it won't be like that ever again."
Sasuke's chest hurts. He thinks about evenings around the dinner table. Days when his parents smiled and Itachi laughed.
Naruto is staring at him with pained eyes. "You're right," he says quietly. "I don't understand that. Things have always been bad for me."
Sasuke doesn't reply, just digs his nails deeper into the mark on his shoulder. He's been hyper-aware of it ever since he spotted that white snake in the forest.
Naruto's eyes flicker to the Curse Mark in concern, but he doesn't say anything about it.
"I'm sorry things can't be the way they used to be," he says. "But that doesn't mean they can't be good again. You said earlier that this team doesn't matter to you… but it can, if you let it."
Sasuke doesn't say anything, simply stares down at his lap. The truth is, Team Seven already does matter to him. Kakashi… Naruto… Sakura… being with them reminds him of how it felt to have family.
…but what's to stop him from losing them, just like he lost the first one?
