Aubrey held Levi all through the night. Eventually his sobs had ceased, only to return again and again and again. Aubrey did her best to comfort him, pulling him closer and kissing away the tears. She didn't know if it actually helped but every time a round of cries came to an end she felt an enormous sense of relief. Hearing his pain broke her down just a little more each time.
After a few hours, the fire had died down to a dull glow and what little sunlight had been getting past the curtains before had completely disappeared. The room was almost completely dark as they lay together, holding on for dear life. Neither of them spoke except for the occasional "I love you". There was nothing else to say. No amount of words would lessen the pain even the tiniest bit.
The time had passed slowly. Every minute felt like an hour and Aubrey had anxiously waited to see the smallest speck of sunlight filter through the window. She desperately wanted the night to be over, wanted to see a new beginning, a new day.
When that speck of light finally came, she nearly cried with relief.
Aubrey turned to Levi only to find that he was asleep.
At first, she was shocked. She hadn't expected that he would sleep at all until his body physically collapsed. But then she remembered the bouts of sobs and shivering and realized that perhaps he had already reached his limit.
He didn't exactly look peaceful but he wasn't writhing around, either. His brow was furrowed and a small frown graced his lips but his breathing was steady and calm.
Aubrey realized her opportunity and propped herself up, seeing if she would wake him. The bed shifted a bit but he remained asleep.
Watching his face the whole time, she untangled their limbs and slowly slid away. As soon as she was off the bed, she moved quickly to the bathroom. Their clothes were still splayed across the floor in a bloody pile.
Aubrey dreaded what she was about to do, but she couldn't think of another option.
She sifted through the pile, picking out her uniform.
It was just as filthy as she remembered and the thought of it being back on her skin sent shivers down her spine.
She pushed the memories of how that filth had gotten there out of her mind. She couldn't think about it right now.
As quietly as she could, Aubrey dressed herself, not bothering with the 3DMG straps. There was no training today. There never was after an expedition. Too many people were grieving.
Aubrey glanced at the small tokens that she'd left on the sink the night before. Tika's stone and Isabel's necklace lay side by side. The rock was clean but the necklace was still caked in blood.
She shuddered, trying not to think about how that blood had gotten there. She resolved to clean the necklace when she got back if Levi was still sleeping. She didn't want him to have the same reaction to the filth that covered it.
Aubrey slipped out of the bathroom, once again glancing at Levi's figure. He was still breathing evenly and lying still. She hoped he'd stay that way until she returned.
With slow movements, she crossed the room. Her hand reached for the doorknob and she glanced back one last time. Still sleeping.
Finally, she cracked open the door, pulling gently to ensure that the hinges didn't squeak. As soon as it was open enough, Aubrey slid through, shutting the door quietly behind her.
For a moment, she stood silently in the hall. It was cold and her breaths seemed to echo off the stone walls. She hadn't realized just how… tired she was.
She'd just have to push through it. She had too much to do and Levi was relying on her.
Aubrey took a deep breath and then turned down the hall. Her footsteps were the only sound.
She made her way through all of the empty corridors until she finally stepped through the back door they'd entered from. Her feet moved quickly as she trudged along the path. She was anxious to get what she needed and return as quickly as possible. She didn't know if Levi would wake and find himself abandoned.
Eventually, the barracks came into sight and Aubrey picked up her pace. She ran right up to her door, pushing it open and sliding in.
She didn't linger.
Immediately, she found her dresser, pulling out a change of clothes.
She stripped, shoving her dirty uniform to the side. She'd deal with it later. For now, she was just happy to have it off her body.
Clean clothes were on her in a second and she sighed as the feeling of filth disappeared.
She reached back into the drawers, pulling out another spare set of garments and rushed to her closet, grabbing a satchel she hadn't touched in ages. She stuffed the clothes in and then pushed deeper into her closet, her hands reaching a box covered in dust.
Aubrey felt her heart race as she made contact with it. Just a few weeks ago, she had refused to let Levi go through this part of her room because it was too painful. Now, she was willingly going to submit herself to the torture of remembering.
She pulled the box out into the open. Her fingers trembled as she yanked at the latches on the sides. She struggled for far too long, her hands shaking too much to be very efficient.
She grunted in frustration and then with a final tug, the lid came loose.
All of a sudden, she felt herself begin to shiver. This was a moment she wasn't sure she'd ever experience.
With a deep breath, Aubrey tossed the lid to the side, revealing Jack's old belongings.
A hand came to her mouth as Aubrey looked at the clothes she remembered him wearing. Just the sight brought back too many memories and tears formed in her eyes. It took everything she had to hold them back.
After just a few seconds, Aubrey had seen enough. She reached into the box, emptying its contents into her bag.
She dried her eyes as she stood, racing around the room to grab anything else she might need. Soap, towels, an extra blanket, and several other items were thrown haphazardly into the satchel.
Aubrey took one last glance around and then moved to the door. She didn't have the strength to remain much longer.
The door slammed shut behind her and she practically ran back toward the castle.
Thankfully, there was no one out and about to see her frenzied movements. The sun was just barely over the horizon and she was sure that people would be late to rise on their day off anyway. Grief wasn't exactly a morning motivator.
Aubrey hurried along, thinking of Levi the whole time. God, she hoped he wouldn't wake up before she got back.
Finally, she arrived back at the castle but she went through the main entrance instead of the back door. She still had one more stop to make.
She traveled down familiar hallways and eventually the Mess Hall came into view.
Breakfast wouldn't be ready for at least another hour but Aubrey wasn't here for that. She needed some food that could last a while. She didn't think that Levi would be up for leaving the room for at least a couple of days.
Aubrey weaved between the tables until she reached the kitchen.
A few people milled about, readying the mass amounts of food that would be required to feed the entire regiment. Aubrey knew all of them. They'd seen her in the kitchen too many times to count.
She gave them a nod and they all continued with their work, thinking nothing of her presence.
She got to work quickly, running to the pantry and throwing a pile of ration bars into her bag. She knew Levi hated them but they were better than nothing.
Her eyes scanned the rest of the rest of the shelves and she ended up shoving a few apples, some dried meat, and a bit of bread in with the ration bars.
Looking down at her stachel, Aubrey realized that it was nearly full. If Levi wanted something different he'd have to bear her leaving the room to come get it.
Aubrey moved out of the pantry, intent on getting back to him quickly.
Until she ran into a wall of muscle.
She jumped back, an apology immediately forming on her lips. But then she saw who she'd hit.
Erwin.
There was a kettle on the stove and an empty cup next to him on the counter. He was making tea.
Aubrey stared at him and felt a surge of anger. She hadn't forgotten his betrayal. And, unlike Levi, he hadn't lost a family. She had no reason to be tender with him.
"You're up early this morning."
Aubrey nearly snapped at him. She didn't have time to chat.
"I couldn't sleep."
Erwin nodded.
Aubrey scowled at the sad expression on his face. He obviously knew she was mad and he was feeling guilty.
There was a long pause and Aubrey was just about to leave when he finally spoke again.
"How is he?"
This time she couldn't hold back the scoff.
"How do you think?"
Erwin winced as her words cut through him. She was more than just upset with him. She was mad.
Aubrey watched as Erwin gathered himself, preparing to ask another question.
"And how are you?"
Aubrey felt herself crack.
"I don't have time for this, Erwin."
Aubrey pushed past him, stomping toward the exit.
But she'd only gotten a few steps when she felt her own guilt hit. Never in her life had she dismissed Erwin so harshly. She was still mad, but… he was human, too. And all humans made mistakes.
Aubrey stopped, forcing her breaths to come evenly. After a moment, she turned back to him, though she wasn't sure how comforting her expression was.
"Give me time, Erwin."
Without waiting to see his reaction, she walked away, exiting the kitchen before he could say anything more.
It didn't take long for Aubrey to arrive back at the narrow corridor that held her room. Or… their room.
Once again, her heels clicked against the stone until she finally came to a stop by the door. Her hand reached for the door but froze when she heard sounds of movement from within.
Shit.
The door was open in a split second, the wood cracking against the stone wall as it swung all the way.
Aubrey's eyes searched, immediately finding Levi on the bed. He was still asleep but she could see his skin glistening with sweat and he was fidgeting restlessly.
A nightmare.
Aubrey dropped her bag to the floor, not caring when some of its contents spilled out.
Her legs moved automatically and soon she was crawling across the bed.
Her hands reached for his face, shaking him lightly.
"Levi."
Nothing.
A little louder this time. "Levi, wake up."
His eyes snapped open and he shot up. Aubrey nearly fell back but she caught herself just in time. She hadn't been expecting him to wake up so… violently.
He was panting and it looked like his muscles were straining to the point of pain.
"Levi, are y-"
Aubrey found herself cut off when his lips met hers. The kiss was intense, but gentle. His hands found her cheeks and kept her mouth pressed against his and his body shifted closer. He seemed impatient and frantic, like he was trying to fit a lifetime's worth of kisses into one exchange.
Aubrey didn't know what she'd just woken him from, but if her lips could be of comfort, he could have them.
Levi pressed his body against hers until his weight became too much and Aubrey's back hit the bed.
He kissed her again and again, only ever stopping to kiss her cheeks while she caught her breath.
What he'd just seen… he needed to have her as close to him as possible. He needed to hear her heartbeat, feel her skin against his. She was all he had left and he couldn't see how he would ever be able leave her side again.
Aubrey kissed him back as best she could. He seemed frenzied and there was no pattern or rhythm to his movements. Everything was erratic and desperate.
Aubrey felt like she was gasping for air for hours before Levi finally began to slow down. Even he had his limits.
Eventually, his head dropped to her chest where he placed his ear directly over her heart. His arms squeezed around her and Aubrey knew that there was no way she'd be moving until he let her.
Her hand found its way to his hair and she stroked his head gently, trying to relieve him of as much stress as she could.
She didn't ask him what he'd been dreaming about; she thought she could already guess.
They lay there for what could have been seconds, minutes, or hours before Levi finally lifted himself to look in her eyes.
She'd been right about him being frenzied. Every one of his features embodied desperation. But that wasn't what struck her the most. The light was still in his eyes, the one she'd worked so hard to maintain all through the night. He'd made it to morning.
"You left." Levi reached for the fabric of her shirt, tugging it gently for emphasis.
Aubrey nodded.
"Yes. We needed clothes, food… and you were asleep. I was hoping you wouldn't even notice I was gone."
Levi didn't say anything in response. He was distracted, his eyes running over every inch of Aubrey's face as he tried to memorize every feature.
But Aubrey was distracted by something else entirely. There were goosebumps all over his skin and she suddenly realized that the fire had stopped giving off any substantial heat hours ago.
"You're cold." Aubrey ran her hands over his bare chest, feeling the small bumps beneath her fingers. "Let me up."
Levi hesitated. He didn't want to let her up. But he couldn't very well keep her pinned to the mattress forever.
Reluctantly, he shifted to the side, allowing Aubrey to slide off the bed.
She moved quickly, closing the still open door and gathering the spilled contents of the bag. As soon as she'd finished, she was back with Levi.
She'd seen the unwilling look on his face and knew that his nightmare was still present enough that he needed her close. No one could understand better than her.
Levi sat up when she returned, trying to get a better look at what she was carrying.
Aubrey wiggled her way across the bed until her side was pressed against his. After what they'd just been doing, the contact didn't seem like enough. But she had a job to do.
Aubrey reached into the bag, pulling out some of Jack's clothing. She felt her chest tighten at the sight and she tried to avoid looking as much as she could. She only paid attention enough to piece together an outfit. Pants, shirt, some underwear… good enough.
She threw the garments into Levi's lap and busied herself by rummaging through the other contents of the satchel.
Levi watched her. She was obviously... uncomfortable.
He forced his eyes to focus on the clothing in front of him. He didn't recognize it. It most certainly wasn't his own.
"Where did you get these?"
Aubrey froze, her hand tightening around one of the apples she'd grabbed from the pantry. She had to take a deep breath before she could answer.
"They belonged to a friend of mine."
Levi didn't say anything even as the questions formed in his mind. Aubrey had mentioned that she'd lost people in the past and he was starting to think that maybe the stone and now these clothes had something to do with it. But he wasn't going to dig up old wounds.
Aubrey continued to go through the bag, using it as a way to distract herself from what she was about to add.
"I could tell you about him… if you want."
Aubrey held her breath. Half of her hoped that he would say he wasn't in the mood for stories. She knew that recounting the tale of Jack's life would be hard. Almost too hard. And yet, the other half of her screamed for Levi to say yes. She needed to tell someone about the still festering wound on her soul. She needed his support.
Again, Levi said nothing but his hand found hers and squeezed. A silent yes.
Aubrey shuddered. What had she opened herself up to?
She couldn't back out now, but she did need a minute to prepare herself.
"Put these on first. You still have goosebumps."
Aubrey reached for the shirt in Levi's lap and swiftly slipped it over his head. She'd been right about him and Jack being roughly the same size.
Aubrey stopped once again. Seeing the garment in a box and seeing it on someone were two entirely different things. She knew the shirt. She remembered it so clearly. He'd worn it to training, to dinners in the Mess Hall, to their late-night gatherings…
It took all of Aubrey's strength not to look away. She refused to run from the past any longer.
When Levi took the rest of the clothes in his hands, Aubrey moved off the bed. She hurried to the fireplace, happy to see that there were still a few small embers burning. She wouldn't have to start from scratch. It took her just a few minutes to get the fire roaring again.
Aubrey turned around, seeing that Levi had fully clothed himself and was now sitting on the edge of the bed. He was slightly hunched over and even from his profile, Aubrey could see the far-off look on his face. He was thinking. Thinking wasn't good. At least, not right now.
She walked to him, kneeling at his feet and placing her hands on his knees. When she looked up at him, her suspicions were confirmed. The shock and horror of his nightmare was wearing off and the pain was slowly creeping back in.
Perhaps telling him about Tika and Jack would do more than give her someone to confide in… maybe it would help distract him from his own suffering.
"You need to eat."
Aubrey raised a hand to his face, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. She'd tell him as soon as he was warm and she'd gotten some food in him. She had to remember not to neglect his physical needs in favor of his emotional ones.
Aubrey stood, reaching behind him for the bag. She pulled out an apple and some dried meat, shoving the food into his hands before sitting beside him.
She grabbed a ration bar for herself. She'd keep the good stuff for him.
She took her first bite but Levi continued to sit, not moving a muscle.
Aubrey felt a wave of sadness overtake her. She could remember exactly the way he felt. She was fairly sure she hadn't eaten for days after what happened to Tika and Jack. Compared to the grief, hunger had just seemed so... pointless.
Aubrey grabbed his shoulders, twisting him until his legs were back on the bed and he was facing her completely. She crawled into his lap, her legs going around his waist as she sat, facing him.
"Eat, Levi."
Her hand found his and she raised the apple he held until it pressed against his lips.
"Please."
Relief flooded her when she heard his teeth finally sink into the fruit. She took another bite of her ration bar and waited until Levi hand finished chewing. She gently pushed on his hand again, urging him to take another bite. He did.
They carried on that way until she'd gotten the whole apple and a good portion of the meat into his system. She'd finished her ration bar long before he'd even gotten close to being done but she didn't mind. He could take all the time he needed.
When he finally was done, Aubrey stowed away the rest of the meat and turned back to him. She was still seated in his lap but she was sure that he must be getting uncomfortable. Having a whole person on you couldn't be all that relaxing.
She moved off of him and pulled him gently back down to the bed. They lay facing each other and Aubrey once again allowed her fingers to reach for his face, tracing every feature.
She prepared herself for what she was about to do. She'd never told this story out loud. Of course, she'd relived it in her head hundreds of times over but the words had never actually left her lips. Saying it made it seem too... real.
She inhaled sharply, using the feel of Levi's skin as an anchor. His presence would be what got her through.
Aubrey cleared her throat, pushing down the lump that had already begun to form. She wouldn't cry. Not until she'd finished.
One last deep breath.
"His name was Jack."
A/N: Omg, I can't believe that I already finished another chapter. I am ON A ROLL. This chapter was some more angst, and the next chapter will probably be angst, too. And maybe the one after that lol. There's a lot of trauma to deal with here. Also, we'll be getting Aubrey's backstory soon, so that's exciting! There are going to be a lot of flashbacks/confessionals coming up. Everything is coming full circle :)
Y'all are really coming through with the comments and I am not kidding when I say that I AUDIBLY giggle every time I read them. Thank you and keep them coming :)))))
