Tony stared blankly at his glass of ale. All around him, the pub crowd shouted and cheered as an impromptu darts tournament was in full swing. His twin, Squeak, had a knack for the game and was currently leaving his competition in the dust.
"I just throws me dart and it hits a good spot" was how Squeak explained his prowess. "I lets me mind go blank."
"Difficult for you, mate, 'ey?" Tony teased his brother whenever he said this. The two enjoyed playing darts and hadn't had much of a chance to spend time together recently.
But this afternoon, Tony could understand the solace of letting everything go. It must be nice, he thought, to just turn off your thoughts and feelings for a while.
The gentle pressing of a hand on his shoulder brought him back to the present. Turning, he saw Saffron standing beside him.
"Tony… Can we…?"
"Go 'head and sit down!" Tony told her, obviously faking a bright smile. "'Ey there!" he called out to a nearby waiter, "Bring this lovely young woman a tonic water - neat! In fact, mate, make it a double, eh?"
"Now… Miss Monsoon. What is new with you this beautiful December evening? Why, we 'aven't seen one another in…" Tony looked at his watch. "... 'round about three hours then? Not much 'as 'appened with me. Been watchin' me brother win at darts. Fightin' with me girlfriend, but you don't want to 'ear about that, now, do you?"
Saff looked down at the hardwood table. She expected - and deserved - whatever Tony was set to dish out to her. But it still hurt.
"I'm sorry, Tony," she said, so quietly that he didn't hear her.
"Ey, what then?" Tony replied mockingly, cupping his ear and leaning towards Saffy. "Can't 'ear you, girl - I mean, woman!"
The waiter placed two bottles of tonic water before Saffron. Another loud, raucous cheer went up from the darts bunch.
"Tony, STOP IT!" Saffron said. She knew she had no real right to act like Tony should be kind to her, but this sort of treatment of her was out of character for him.
Tony just looked at her, shaking his head.
"You scream at me and make me feel like the worst bloke what's ever lived and I'm s'posed to just take it? Sorry, Saff, but no. I do 'ave some pride."
Taking a long drink of his now lukewarm ale, Tony cast his eyes away from Saffron. He knew he was being awful and didn't like it. Hurting her feelings was no panacea for his own pain.
"I was wrong," Saffy told him, suddenly clasping his hand where it rested on the table. Tony didn't try pulling away; he let her tighten her grip. "What I did, what I said to you today - I don't have any excuse for it and I can't take it back. I wish I could, but I can't. I should've told you about the kit - about Jack - a long time ago. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who's to blame for everything."
Tony's expression softened. The feel of Saff's hand on his was getting to him. He hated fighting with her.
"Tell me, then," he said, looking at her hand over his. "I want to know."
And so Saffron related the whole story of her relationship with Jack. Hearing herself actually speak about those days, she realized how turbulent it was. They'd loved each other, but they also loved the little skirmishes between them that turned into full-on battles and then the mutual licking of wounds before finally making up, only to do it all over again.
"Two headstrong people going at it over and over," she admitted to Tony. "Like we were addicted to conflict and we weren't happy unless we were battling it out. It shouldn't have been that way - not for people who said they were in love. That's not love; it's … I don't even know."
Sighing, she poured herself a glass of tonic water. The thought that she and Jack maybe hadn't really been in love was depressing. But life was full of hard truths and this was another one she needed to face.
"You loved him then," Tony said gently. "Maybe you wanted something different at the time, 'ey?"
"I'm not the same," Saff said. "Sometimes I think about it and I know… it wouldn't have worked between us. I wasn't second to him, but I wasn't first either. It's like I always had to compete. Not with another girl, but with his camera."
"Sorry about that," Tony replied.
"The shaving kit was his. I think he'd gotten it in Morocco on an assignment. Jack said you couldn't get a good barbering in the West anymore. So he had me shave him sometimes. You know… sort of… our thing."
"I see," Tony said, looking down.
"I should have gotten rid of the kit after he died," Saff admitted. "Keeping it was a mistake. I was afraid to let myself move on. It hurts when you try love and it doesn't work out."
"You don't have to tell me," Tony replied, his voice somber. "Got me 'eart broken last year, myself, you know."
"I didn't know," Saff said, stroking his hand. But she thought of Mrs. Patel's angry words about Tony's having been hurt by a woman before.
"I dated a girl - a lawyer at another firm - and it all seemed pretty 'appy. Then she told me she was pregnant and I was the father."
Saffron took a deep breath.
"So I told 'er we should get married and 'ave our baby the right way. She let me pay for the doctor and whatnot, but she kept puttin' me off about marriage. Then she 'ad the baby and it wasn't mine."
"You took a paternity test?" Saff asked.
"The baby was beautiful, she was," Tony answered, a sad grin on his lips, "but she was 'alf-Indian. ;At's when I knew she wasn't mine. She was a sweet'eart, though. Her real father was a guy worked at the firm with 'er mum. Not sure why he wasn't told, but I guess they worked it out because now they're married and doin' well, I 'ear tell."
"She used you," Saffron said.
"Yeah, well… 'Ere's worse things to pay for than babies. I 'ope she's 'appy, the baby. She deserves 'at much."
Tony stared at the table, unable to look Saff in the eye. She took his hand in both of hers.
Now a massive roar came from the darts crowd. Tony and Saffron looked over to see Bubble and Squeak jumping up and down, hugging with glee. Clearly, Squeak had won the latest match.
"Is there anywhere else we can finish talking?" Saff asked Tony. "Somewhere quieter? Or quiet, period?"
"My flat is right 'round the corner," he told her.
"Yes," she said, a shy grin playing at her mouth. "I know. I was just there. Mrs. Patel doesn't like me."
Tony laughed.
"Mrs. Patel doesn't like anyone."
Saff shook her head.
"She likes you."
Tony seemed surprised.
"'At's a new one! Maybe it's 'cause I've never missed payin' me rent."
Saff smiled at him.
"Maybe. But I think there's more to it."
After paying the bill, Tony and Saffron headed into the night. The cold air came as a shock in contrast to the warmth of the pub. After a short lull, Tony spoke hesitantly.
"You, eh… Put the kit back?"
"The kit is gone," Saffron told him. "I sent it off to someone who will take good care of it and use it, I hope."
"That was kind of you," Tony told her.
"Jack's best friend, Jay… He takes a bit of getting used to, but he's really a good man. I think he'll like his Christmas present."
"I should think so. It's a lovely shaving set. Don't see many of that quality these days - just knockoffs and such."
Saffron stopped, taking Tony's arm so that he, too, came to a stop in the sidewalk. Her eyes met his.
"You're the man I love, Tony," she said without hesitation or wavering. "It's you I want to be with. Jack is a nice memory, but that's all. You're here. I'm here. We're together. That's all I want from now on. I don't want anyone else and there's nobody else in my heart."
Tony was a bit taken by surprise at this bold statement from Saff. He didn't doubt any of it, but her straightforwardness was something new. He liked it.
Taking Saffron in his arms, Tony pulled her close and kissed her. When the kiss ended, Saffy nuzzled his neck.
"I love you, too, Saffron," he said, his voice low and soft. "I can't promise I'll always get things right, you know, but I'll try. If you'll 'ang onto me." Then, with a cheeky grin, Tony added, "Deal, Miss Monsoon?"
Saff smiled up at him.
"Deal, Mister Draper."
