How long would she remain? How long would her body refuse to move? The rain was cold. The darkness in her heart was colder. She'd seen the abyss of despair before. Smiled in the face of it for years. It was her only defense. It was the only way she could continue waking up each day. Smile. Laugh. Pretend it didn't hurt when it did. Constantly. Perpetually. Unyieldingly.
However, that particular abyss had a glimmer of light, and maybe this was why Anna survived the onslaught of depression that threatened to strangle her into inevitable submission.
Elsa was that light. She always had been. Always would be – so Anna thought.
She'd seen dark before. But not like this.
As the rain pounded onto one of her cheeks, mud soaking within the other, Anna's eyes were wide and staring at the waves of the Dark Sea that rushed upon land only to retract and resume their ceaseless rhythm. She couldn't process what the Water Spirit had told her. It wouldn't circumnavigate her psyche properly. Her mind was blocking complete understanding. Perhaps she subconsciously knew what it meant to accept such a terrible truth.
This was cold unlike anything she'd ever experienced. This was emptiness beyond comprehension. She was so numb she wasn't sure she had arms or legs anymore.
The hurdle of connecting with Elsa again; of becoming sisters and friends again was unlike anything Anna thought she would ever have to overcome. However, possibly ironically, the next hurdle that involved them finding a new love to meet with was even more difficult.
Yet, they had endured. And together, they began to envision a life together. Anna had a life planned for both of them, and honestly, so long as it involved Elsa, she was easy. She could make adjustments. Even if she had to compromise a little bit with more difficult subjects as of late, Anna was willing. Because Elsa was all she ever wanted. All she ever needed. All she could truly, authentically love.
That life was now over. Completely. Utterly. Mercilessly. The light was gone.
Hello again, Darkness. I might be ready to succumb finally…
She heard the words in her mind, and couldn't believe the turn in her perspective. Anna was the sun to any who met her. The epitome of boundless joy and energy. Only Elsa knew the shadow Anna had. Only Elsa even began to understand the psychological damage that Anna had to fend off no matter how much she told herself Elsa earnestly loved her and would never leave.
Trauma did that. It was almost impossible to ever feel completely safe. The thought – the mere consideration – of a return to that darkness was paralyzing.
In her mind and in her life, Anna had always followed Elsa. Always. Since she could crawl. Walk. Run. She wanted to be with her older sister forever and ever. Happily ever after. When Elsa had ran from Arendelle and disappeared, it was the first time the sisters had been so undeniably apart. Hence, why Anna weathered any and all danger, reducing it to a mere nuisance if it meant finding Elsa again. Looking back, Anna couldn't believe what she did to pursue Elsa. She had put herself at such risk. But any threat to her safety paled in comparison to a life without her big sister.
That would never change.
Therefore, the fact Elsa was now in a place Anna couldn't find bore down on her soul like gravity fueled by the deepest grief. She couldn't fight it. She had not a sliver of energy left. Hope was gone, and she was perfectly lost.
Could the sun even shine anymore? Would the moon never guide her again? She was alone. Alone. That cruelest of realities kept Anna in the mud. Allowed her to be caked in wet dirt. A part of her wanted to rise. Wanted to stand. But her light was gone. What was the point if Elsa wasn't in her life in some capacity? How could she get up if there wasn't even a chance of seeing the person she loved in every single possible way?
There wasn't. Certainly not now. Definitely not in the same way ever again.
'Elsa…' Anna whimpered her name, and the burning filled her eyes, spilling the tears down her face. Images of her sister pushed the deluge forward. The life they had shared. The sorrows they had endured. The conflict they had overcome. The love they were forced to recognize.
She could only cry in waves of crystalized despair. Like the Dark Sea's waves, Anna would bawl, clutching onto her bleeding heart and morphing herself into a frozen state of disbelief before the Water Spirit's news threatened to snap her body in two and force her into a release of some kind anew.
It was a maddening cycle that she couldn't break from. She couldn't. How had Elsa moved on from her little sister's perceived deaths? Notably the second time Anna's life seemed to be snuffed prematurely? The first occasion was merciful in its brevity, but when Devil had literally crushed her soul?
Elsa had said it herself. She wasn't so different from Anna now until Devil revealed a way to save her little sister. So, again, hope had appeared sooner rather than later.
Perhaps that's why Anna struggled more than anything. It felt so final. So unmoving…like nature itself. She hadn't even given Elsa a proper "goodbye". She couldn't be there for her sister in her time of need. Was she scared? Did it hurt? Anna hated thinking about it, yet that's all she could do.
In the end…Anna was powerless – as always.
Anna struggled to open her eyes, her lids feeling caked shut as they fluttered in reaction to her consciousness. There was warmth near her neck, and it circulated throughout her whole body. The dampness of the rain was gone. The mud that was covering her face was gone. Her clothes…were gone. Multiple blankets lay overtop of her, and she rubbed her eyes until she could open them.
A soft glow emanated near her person, and Anna noted that Bruni was snuggled into her. The next few details she took in helped realign where she was now. A Northuldra hut. She had been rescued from the Dark Sea's shore? Was that why Gale and Bruni had left her?
The hut sparked a memory Anna fought against. Her and Elsa's last moment of intimacy had been…
'You're awake.' Honeymaren pulled back the doorway's curtain.
'Yeah…' Anna tried to smile. To even pretend she was better than she was. But it was like swimming against a strong current. She was only drowning.
Without a word, Honeymaren knelt next to Anna and began stroking her hair. Elsa used to do as much. Elsa had loved Anna's auburn hair.
'Don't. Please.' Anna heard herself say almost cruelly, but Honeymaren stopped immediately, as if understanding.
'Sorry.' She murmured, clearly uncertain with how to proceed.
So, it wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't Anna's worst fear projecting into her mind the most devastating thing that could happen in her life.
'H-hah…' Anna sobbed, pulling the cover over her head. She thought Bruni might leave from the disturbance, but he simply gurgled and nestled in closer to her.
'I…I'm glad you're awake.' Honeymaren continued. 'You were out for almost twenty-four hours. Everyone was worried when Kristoff brought you back. The Wind and Fire Spirits were very frantic. You were so cold when he found you, Kristoff said you were almost blue all over. He's going to be very relieved to hear you pulled around.'
Anna struggled with caring about any of it – including her own safety. But a small part of her struggled against the void, wishing to at least acknowledge her life with the assumption that Elsa would want nothing less. She pulled the blankets down to just under her chin and met Honeymaren's warm, barely illuminated face.
'Thank-you.' Anna got it out. Just barely, but successfully nonetheless.
'Oh. I didn't do much. I helped get you out of those wet and muddy clothes, but that was it. Kristoff was the one that really went out of his way to help. He…really cares about you.'
'Right…' Anna blinked, her heart trembling with unease.
"The correct path…still exists…"
'What?' Anna shuffled beneath her covers, soft whispers agitating her own thoughts.
'Pardon?' Honeymaren questioned.
"How can so many…be wrong…? It is time…to correct this deviation…"
'Wrong…?' Anna shook her head and finally sat up, keeping the blankets over her naked form.
'Uh…I don't follow.'
Anna waited for more, but the voice sounded weak. Was it the same one Elsa had heard? Was that possible? After a beat, nothing else came, and Anna wondered if she had heard anything at all.
'Never mind.' She breathed. It was then that the princess of Arendelle felt how swollen her eyes were and how desperately she needed water.
'It's there.' Honeymaren pointed to the corner of the hut, where a small basin of clear liquid waited.
'Perfect. Thanks again.' Anna brought the piece to her mouth, taking large gulps of the refreshing drink while holding her blanket tight to her body with her arms. If they were ever desperate enough, Elsa could always melt ice for herself and Anna. Her magically manifested water had a very different flavour from the natural stuff. Now that Anna knew what Elsa tasted like, she understood why her older sister seemed so embarrassed when it came down to such methods for hydration.
Anna choked, causing a small spill.
Was this how it would be going forward? Was everything going to remind her of Elsa? Would she tear up at even the slightest thought of her?
'When you're ready, you can talk.' Honeymaren encouraged gently. 'But I won't bother you until then, okay? I can only imagine what you've been through.'
Anna shook her head, deliberately pushing back at the cloak of darkness looming over her.
'It's not easy…' She said aloud, but seeing Honeymaren again helped bring her back down to reality, even if was conceptually unbearable when the princess of Arendelle considered it too closely. Perhaps her best way forward was to block out the pain and muffle it with distraction. 'But you're still trapped here and…'
Anna let out a sharp breath and felt her insides turning. It all happened so quickly she couldn't begin to trace its origin. Before she knew it, she was vomiting into the basil of water, her neck convulsing and her whimpers pitiful. It was mostly bile, due to her lack of food intake to begin with, but it still strained her neck and throat, the act itself revolting to the young woman.
'Ugh…' Anna moaned, hating that Honeymaren was seeing her in such a state.
Regardless, the young Northuldra woman simply smiled wryly and crawled next to Anna, offering her a rag to dab her mouth and nose.
'Heh…I'm a disaster.' Anna tried to grin, but her cheeks physically hurt, as if rejecting the concept.
'Don't push yourself, Anna.' Honeymaren continued to be so kind it almost induced guilt. 'We're okay. Another day or two won't hurt anyone here. Take a breather and tell us what you can when you can.'
'But Arendelle – '
'Can also wait.' Honeymaren's tone became severe for a moment, but then softened. 'For you to be like this…I fear even my worst imaginings are not far off the mark.'
Anna clenched her eyes shut and could only see one person. Maybe she would close her eyes forever.
'H-hah…' She whined. 'My heart feels so hollow…'
Honeymaren sniffed. Was she crying, too? She was so nice.
'Your sister…?' She finally asked, and it was all Anna could do not to lose control as she covered her face and cried, tears streaming through her fingers. Her wails became more distinct and unharnessed, her body shaking and intakes of air desperate.
'Anna!' Kristoff finally appeared, pushing into the tent. 'Are you alright?'
'Get out!' Honeymaren urged with a hiss. 'She's not decent!'
'O-oh…'
Anna sniffed, trembling and feeling Honeymaren's touch on her shoulder as Kristoff thankfully listened and departed. It was warm. It was real.
'I feel like I'm losing my mind.' Anna admitted, shaking her head and giggling. 'It's not working. I can't laugh this away…It's not working anymore…!'
'You need to listen to your body and let it out, Anna.' Honeymaren advised. 'Pretending your okay is not the answer. That's only going to make it worse.'
'O-Olaf…' Anna's face construed. 'Elsa…Oh, Elsa…E-Elsa…Elsa…! Elsa…! My Elsa…! No…No…No. No. Please no…Please. Anything but…Ah…h-hah…'
'Good. That's good.' Honeymaren rubbed Anna's back, and she listened to the other girl. She cried. And cried. And cried. She called out Elsa's name. She pictured her sister and the life they had experienced together. Little moments. Silly times. Difficult confrontations. Complicated emotions. It all melded into a deluge of agony. Elsa was someone Anna simply couldn't do without. Life lost so much of its luster without her…
'It's too much…' Anna muttered in between sobs of torture. 'I can't…'
'You can. You will. But for now, it's going to be a pain like nothing before or after.'
"A pain no person should endure…Thus, let me help, Anna…"
'Please…' Anna held Honeymaren's clothing so tight she could feel it stretching. 'Anything to make this easier…'
"Good…At last…The final resistance crumbles…And order returns. Just in time…"
The next instance Anna was awake she considered a semblance of sanity had returned to her at last. She didn't feel like she was on the brink of collapsing into a pool of tears with every thought of Elsa. It was obviously raw, and the hole in her heart would likely never be filled again, but she was at least willing to move around a little now.
Considerately, another basil of water and her clothes had been brought to her, and Bruni remained by her side, his heat a welcome addition to the cozy hut. All things considered, Anna felt drained, but slightly more refreshed than before. There was some clarity in her mind, even if the fogginess of loss insisted on clouding her immediate present.
'Hi, Bruni.' She sat up and pet the little guy with her index and middle finger.
The Fire Spirit gurgled, his cute sounds belying the monstrosity he had encompassed when first encountered. Elsa had been so brave and so strong during their duel…
'I can't keep doing that. Not now, anyway.' Anna slapped her cheeks. 'I have to finish what she started, at the very least. Elsa gave me the next job. Even at the end, she wanted to help her people and the Enchanted Forest. That's the kind of person she was. That was my big sister. I'm going to make her memory proud.'
Talking it out verbally helped, if a bit. Anna was still fighting back the tears, but something had broken the day before. Honeymaren had allowed her to become a complete mess, and maybe that's the reason Anna could consider moving forward now. She could numb her emotions until Arendelle and the Enchanted Forest were saved, right? No matter how cold the touch of despair was, she felt she could press forward and take her next step now. Time really did help. Maybe years from now, Anna wouldn't be biting back tears perpetually. Maybe memories of her sister would simply resonate mostly joy with only a hint of sadness.
'I doubt it.' Anna shrugged. 'She was my best friend. I adored her. Everything's changed. I'm sorry, Olaf; I don't know if my answer to that tough question of yours checks out anymore…'
A soft knock on the right wall of the hut made Anna jump.
'Y-yes?'
'Anna. It's Yelana. May I come in?'
Anna gathered herself, tucking her messy hair behind her ears and pulling her covers up high over her bare body.
'Sure.'
A beat, but then the sheet over the entrance was pulled back, letting in what little sun there was present from what Anna assumed to be an overcast day as Yelana made herself comfortable before her.
'Good morning, Anna.' The somewhat intimidating chief of the Northuldra nodded curtly.
'Good morning.' Anna responded, an inkling of knowledge in her mind suggesting that she best get used to these uncomfortable conversations if she was to be the next queen of Arendelle. 'Ouch…'
That stung. That thought hurt.
'Hm?'
'Nothing. Sorry. I just…I'm still working things out in my head.'
'You were close with your sister.' Yelana spoke a little more gently. 'It was almost inspiring.'
'Yeah.' This was the true test. Could Anna endure speaking about Elsa in the past tense like this? Little needles puncture her chest as she went on. 'We got through a lot together…'
Another pause, this one notably longer than the previous one. Yelana let out a deep breath, her exhaustion peeking through the soft sound.
'I dislike the idea of causing you further pain, Anna, but there have been developments in the forest I feel you might have information on. I need to know what happened. I allowed two full days of rest and recovery, but the Earth Spirits are restless, and have been actively searching for…something. I fear for my people. I'm not sure what is happening, but it's almost as if the forest itself is on edge.'
'Oh.' Anna thought of the ice sculpture Elsa had crafted for her. 'Okay. Yeah. I can…maybe explain some stuff.'
Relief washed over Yelana's normally intense expression. Did she really not want to bother Anna? Was she actually super considerate?
'It's fine. Thanks for giving me some time.'
'Not at all, Anna. Honeymaren believes you have endured a great loss. Is this…true?'
Anna bit down on the bottom part of her lip, literally chewing back the urge to tear up all over again. She nodded with a tiny sound of affirmation.
'Elsa's gone…' She told herself and the powerful woman before her. 'She went to Ahtohallan, sent me the answer for how to free the forest and…didn't come back.'
The only indication that Yelana had heard her was the way her mouth twitched. She was used to terrible news, but as the leader of the Northuldra, she was also steeled to responding with a plan rather than feeding despair. In a way, Anna was thankful for that.
'I see. She went too far…'
'I guess.' Anna laughed breathlessly. 'I talked to the Water Spirit.'
'You did!?' Yelana's eyes widened and then, as if catching herself, she cleared her throat and resumed her steady approach. 'What did it tell you?'
'Er…It basically wanted me to know Elsa was gone and to not hold out hope. Nice spirit, huh?' Anna grinned, but then her expression faltered and she had to take a moment, gathering her intellect for the same woman who shattered her ability to function without wanting to curl up into a ball and hide.
'…Indeed.' Yelana cupped her chin, her brow furrowing.
'But the Water Spirit also told me that Elsa became the fifth spirit and…and she's among them now. Helping the world. Reuniting balance with everything.'
'Her soul…has returned to nature – no.' Yelana caught herself. 'She's ascended her physical body. Your sister…is akin to that of a goddess now, Anna, if what you tell me is true.'
'Elsa…' Anna blinked her eyes quickly, holding her breath. 'She knew. She…had a feeling, anyway. She was bigger than just being a queen in some little kingdom. She was gifted with powers and…she needed to do something great with them. I tried to help her see the beauty in the everyday. I even tried to encourage her to find a guy to settle down with during the whole suitor thing but…'
A sharp pain shot through Anna's head, and she grabbed at her temples, a high-pitched ringing noise echoing through her brain.
'Ugh…!'
'Anna?'
Was this the dark sadness suffocating her again? No. It felt different. What was…happening?
'S-sorry. That was weird.'
'Hardly. Trauma affects our mental and physical body, Anna. Your loss is tragic. More than that. I would never push for such a conversation if I didn't feel a bizarre shift in the forest that teeters on the side of anxious.'
'Right…' Anna grimaced, recalling the most important detail prior to learning of Elsa's passing. 'Right! The dam!'
'The…dam?'
'We need to break it! The spirits are mad because that dam was, like, supposed to be an offering of peace, from my grandfather, but it wasn't! He attacked a Northuldra and…and it's actually hurting the spirits. It's blocking the flow of magic or something. I don't know. But Elsa was really clear. It's gotta go!'
It felt good to get such information out. Elsa had near sacrificed herself for it, after all.
'Easier said than done. That dam is no small construct. It took many men and more days to complete. It wasn't built to be brought down even by one of the greatest forces on earth. Without Elsa…I'm not certain there is a way to easily destroy it.'
That was true. Without Elsa…life was much more difficult when a problem like this occurred. Magic really was an incredible ability to have. Anna had lived with it for so long, sometimes she might have taken it for granted no matter how wondrous she still found the mystique of it all.
'Well…' Anna thought about the problem posed. It was easier to function when she was focussed on something other than her loss. Sure, the ripple effect remained, and the fact this current dilemma tied directly back to Elsa didn't help matters, but she could honour Elsa's memory better if she just moved forward. If she just…took the next right step. 'Maybe we can hold a meeting? Get some input from everyone? Bringing down the dam might even flood Arendelle, but that's why the spirits forced us out of it to begin with. We can always rebuild. I'm not letting you guys stay imprisoned here longer than you have to be anymore.' Anna paused, feeling her heart flutter. 'Elsa wouldn't want that. She'd do this. She knew what it meant to feel trapped…'
Yelana's expression seemed surprised for a moment, but then she smiled tenderly.
'Very well.' She agreed. 'When would you like to hold such a meeting?'
Anna nodded with commitment to her newfound cause.
'In about ten minutes. I'm going to get dressed and then I'm good. No more time to waste.'
Yelana raised a brow.
'Anna. You lost your sister. I know what I said about needing to get some answers, but…'
'I'll be fine. I have to be for now. I'm only one person. There are hundreds waiting for relief now. I had my time. Now, we have to start going forward.'
Yelana hesitated, yet she smirked approvingly.
'Spoken like a true leader.'
Anna didn't think herself worthy of such a compliment, but it made her feel pretty good, regardless. Her soul was crying. Her heart was shattered. And her mind was clouded. However, she understood what needed to be done and how she could best serve Elsa's legacy in this moment. Elsa hadn't sent Anna something that reminded the sisters of their special bond. It wasn't necessary. She had delivered a solution to a problem for the masses. She was an incredible queen until the end. The least Anna could do was attempt to make that particular aspect of her sister's existence proud.
After all, based on what the Water Spirit had said, there was a chance Elsa was watching over Anna right now. If that was the case, Anna couldn't wallow in self pity for longer than the two days she had been graciously permitted amidst something of a crisis.
'I got this, Elsa. I promise.'
Anna made the vow quietly, and when an image of her sister passed over her mind, a strange sense of loss swept through the young woman, as if she had misplaced a vital piece of herself in exchange for this supposed sense of purpose and hastened courage…
