Tyrion met with Grand Maester Pycelle in his dining room. "I've been feeling a little constipated lately," Tyrion said. "Do you have anything that can help me?"
"Kxkjmckjmxcdjkui J," Pycelle said, handing Tyrion a vial of laxatives.
"I commend you on your knowledge, ser," said Tyrion. "By the way, can you keep a secret?"
"Blimlimlim," said Pycelle.
"I'll assume that means yes. I'm hoping to make a marriage alliance with House Martell in Dorne by offering Princess Myrcella's hand to their heir Prince Trystane. Don't tell the queen."
"Pwrhqgiojre," Pycelle said as he got up and left.
Then Tyrion called Varys in. "Can you keep a secret?" he asked.
"That's my job," said Varys.
"If we're going to win this war, we need the help of some foreign allies. I'm thinking of sending Princess Myrcella to the Isle of Berk. Maybe we could have her marry the Viking prince, Hiccup. Then we'd have the Vikings on our side, and their ships and dragons."
"But doesn't Hiccup already have a girlfriend? Her name's Astrid, or something like that?" Varys asked.
"Well, they aren't married yet. If we offer Hiccup's father Stoick the Vast a pile of gold from Casterly Rock, I'm sure he'd be willing to bring his son around."
Varys gadgeted. "Yet your most gracious sister, our queen regent, she…"
"…bears a great weight upon those lovely white shoulders of hers. I have no wish to add to her burdens. Do you?" Tyrion cocked his head and gave the eunuch an imposing stare.
"Ah," Varys murmured. "Doubtless you have the right of it, my lord. It is most considerate of you to spare her this… burden."
"That's just the sort of fellow I am," said Tyrion. "Considerate. Cersei is my own sweet sister, after all."
"And a woman, to be sure," Varys said. "A most uncommon woman, and yet… it is no small thing, to tend to all the cares of the realm, despite the frailty of her sex."
"Oh yes, she's a frail dove," said Tyrion. "Just ask Peter Griffin."
They both laughed. Varys left and Tyrion called in Quagmire. "What's shakin'?" Quagmire asked.
"Can you keep a secret?"
"I'm holdin' onto a couple of pretty big ones right now. What do you wanna tell me?"
"I have a plan to wed Myrcella to Robin West of the Vale," Tyrion said.
Quagmire shook his head. "Lady Carol will never agree to that. She thinks you killed her husband."
Tyrion leaned forward. "If I gave her Adam West's true killer, she might think kinder of me."
"True killer?" Quagmire ejaculated. "I confess, you make me curious. Who do you propose?"
Tyrion smiled. "Gifts I give my friends, freely. Carol West would need to understand that. You know her pretty well, right?"
"I should say so!" Quagmire exclaimed. "I took her maidenhead. And that of her smokin' hot sister, Lois Griffin! Giggity, giggity, goo!"
Tyrion wasn't sure if Quagmire was telling the truth here or not, but it didn't matter. "I want Lady Carol and her son to acclaim Joffrey as king, to swear fealty, and to…"
"Make war on the Griffins and Pewtershmidts?" Quagmire shook his head. "There's the roach in your pudding, Lannister. Carol will never send her knights against Riverrun."
"Nor would I ask it. We have no shortage of enemies. I'll use her power to oppose Lord Renly, or Lord Stannis, should he stir from Dragonstone. In return, I will give her justice for Adam West and peace in the Vale. I will even name that appalling child of hers Warden of the East, even though his last name is West. So, will you deliver this message to her?"
"What's in it for me?" Quagmire asked.
"Harrenhal."
Harrenhal was the biggest castle in Westeros. Tywin Lannister had just captured it. Quagmire took a moment to adjust the drape of his cape, but Tyrion had seen the flash of hunger in his eyes. "I have him," he thought.
"Isn't there a curse on Harrenhal?" Quagmire said, trying to sound bored. "Everyone who holds it dies?"
"We all die… eventually," Tyrion said.
"Good point. Well, I'll think it over."
"And one more thing," Tyrion added. "Don't tell the queen."
"Right. Of course not."
Quagmire stepped out of the room, leaving Tyrion alone. He had given three people different pieces of information. Now he just had to wait and see which one Cersei found out about, and he would know which council member was spying for his sister. The old Barium meal test.
