The next morning Buffy left London as promised and caught the train back north to Manchester. This wasn't something that she could just run away from. Something crazy was going on in the universe and Spike was back. Keeping away from him had seemed like that best, safest, plan but somehow that had morphed into another great a plan. A simple one night stand to let out the tension and regret, and even longing. It turned out that hadn't been such a great plan either.
Her plans were way better when they focused on how to defeat the major evil threatening to end the world. Normal life planning no so much with the greatness.
The train ride home seemed to last forever and Buffy's mind swirled with what she should have done, how she should have come up with a better plan. There was a sickness in her stomach about half way home when another thought entered her mind, the seed of a new plan. Maybe she should forget all about what had happened before and give up trying to plan her way out of this situation. Maybe she should stop being so controlling and let life happen. The thought scared her. If she just let life happen where might she end up.
It certainly wasn't out of the realms of possibility that she might end up starring into his clear blue eyes. That he might try and kiss her and she'd let him and that could lead to a world of bad. He'd already made it perfectly clear that he wanted to be with her and it was just so tempting. What if this was a second chance? Maybe the powers wanted her to have a chance with him. It could be different this time around, he wasn't a vampire after all and there wasn't all the baggage that there'd been in Sunnydale. They'd be able to walk around the city during the day holding hands. They'd be able to cuddle up on the couch in the evening watching movies. No apocalypse on the horizon to spoil their plans or make them fight about who should protect who. Not that she ever tried too hard to protect him, but there'd been plenty of arguments about him trying to protect her.
As the train sped along the tracks, back towards home, to reality, the small kernel of a the new plan started to grow. She was still scared, terrified maybe, but the possibility was there. The possibility that she could actually try and make a go of it with Spike. For all her protests she knew that fundamentally he was still the same person, the person that she'd loved once, the person that she'd never stopped loving truth be told.
There was one problem though, and it was a massive one. How could they ever be together if she had to hide such a big part of her life from him. How would she explain that she knew things about him that he'd supposedly never told her, like how he loved Shakespeare, or how he hated snow? Or what would happen when they talked about growing up and she had to lie and nothing he told her was really true?
There was the memory spell. It was a tempting thought, he'd remember her and he'd be with her. No lies, no fake memories, just them, together. Yeah together with memories of murder and dying! Not such a great plan.
She couldn't shake it though, the idea of being with him had taken root now and there was no getting away from it.
—-
Despite all the deep thoughts and emotional confusion Buffy felt ok when she stepped off the train, boarding on good actually.
It was time to stop planning and trying to control every little piece of her life. She needed to see where this would take her. She needed to give him a chance to be with her, God knows she'd never given him that chance before, well not until it was pretty much too late. She'd given him a few short nights at a time when he was still a bit broken. They would have made it past that but it had been too late and he was gone.
She had thought about what it would have been like if he'd survived the final battle with the first, his final battle. She'd imagined how they would have have decided to try and put the past behind them and be together. They couple have fought demons together, probably would have moved in with each other, looked after Dawn together. They would have gotten excited when Dawn was old enough to move out and they could have sex on their dining room table. They would have argued at Christmas because she wanted decorations and he thought it was all a corporate scam. There would have been a lot that they would have done. It had never happened, but maybe now they could have something else.
It probably was going to be tricky, all those memories that she'd need to keep to herself but surely she of all people could handle a seemingly impossible situation.
The sky seemed brighter than it had done when she'd left and as she took the side streets from the station towards the Northern quarter she noticed that the feeling of sickness in her stomach had eased. The twisting in her gut had stopped and in its place was the fluttery feeling of butterflies. The tell tale feeling of anticipation and excitement mixed with a little bit of trepidation. It was a feeling that she hadn't felt in so long but it was unmistakably the feeling you got when you thought that you might be letting yourself fall in love.
With her bag slung over her shoulder she strode down the street with purpose, it was time to cut out all the crap and the excuses. She considered calling Dawn to tell her about what had happened between her and Spike and what she was thinking right now but she ignored the idea. They'd be time to tell Dawn all about her night with Spike later, well maybe not all about it but enough for her to get the gist.
God she loved this city, the grungy cool feel, the street art. She was glad to be home and for once she was really excited about not knowing what the future was going to bring.
She smiled as she rounded the corner, Tomb coming into sight. It was kind of weird that after one night together Spike wanted more but maybe that was a sign that it was meant to be. Sure she was in her thirties but perhaps it was time that she got her fairytale ending.
Buffy pushed open the door to the bar, smiling so much that her cheeks were probably going to hurt. One big deep breath, this was it, she didn't know what she was going to say but this was definitely it, time to jump in feet first.
"Buffy, couldn't keep away huh?"
Well she hadn't been expecting that. She eyed Jon suspiciously, she'd been expecting Spike.
"Oh hey, what are you doing here?"
Jon didn't look best pleased that was for sure, "Working"
"Working? Where's Spike?" Buffy asked trying to sound calm but secretly worried.
"He quit. I swear to god if that guy comes round here again..." Jon fumed.
"Quit, but he can't, why, I mean when?" She rambled. Oh god he did it, he followed through with the plan. He left.
Buffy's heart was pounding. He left. She told him no and for once in his stupid life he actually listened. He'd left.
"Dunno why, just got a text saying he wasn't coming back. Something came up apparently."
Buffy stood there, jaw almost on the ground.
"Did he say where he was going?" She realised that she must sound almost frantic but she didn't care.
Just looking at her all became clear what had happened, Buffy. He got it, they'd been a time when he himself would have jumped at the chance to get involved with her. She was sparky, full of life and sexy but the sensible part of his brain had taken over and he'd thought about the consequences from a work point of view if it all went wrong. Now those thoughts were coming to fruition only he hadn't gotten to enjoy the part that caused it to get messed up.
"Funnily enough no he didn't." Jon sighed, he'd be doing more shifts than he wanted to for the time being.
"Ok" and with that she was gone, out of the door, almost running.
