Chapter Fifty-Five

Jason was physically shaking as he reached for the handle of Clay's hospital room. He didn't know if he could do this again with this kid. It had only been a few months since he had done this in the States for his kid. But his emotions were the same. Fear, anger and pain all mixed together just waiting to explode inside of him. He knew that he should have better control of his emotions. They should be getting the better of him but they were.

For God's sake, he was Bravo's Team Leader. 1IC. A Tier One Operator which meant he should be able to keep his emotions in check at all times. But right now he couldn't. In all the years he had been a Seal, he had always kept his emotions out of the missions and in check when it came to his men. But he couldn't do that anymore. Not with Clay.

Why did this have to keep happening to his team? To his family? His kid?

Thinking back, Adam had been right. Clay had given him more grey hairs than his own kids. But he wouldn't change him for the world. He did love the kid, like a son. The kid was a natural at this life and could do things that made him glad that he had followed Ray's instinct and drafted the kid onto Bravo. He had saved his life more times than he could remember. He was Bravo through and through.

And maybe that was the problem. His real concern right now was that maybe Clay's good luck streak had finally run out. The kid had really played with fire over the last year and had pushed himself to the limit. He just hoped that he still had a little bit of that luck left, coz right now the kid needed every bit of it.

After taking in a breath and with all his courage, he finally pushed the door open. He needed to be strong, not just for himself and for Clay but for his brothers back home which he knew would have been told the news by now. He could feel his phone buzzing inside his pocket and knew who they were from. He would update them when he had news on Clay's condition. He wasn't going to just keep telling them the same thing Blackburn must have told them, which was very little. He knew that Trent would be messaging him with questions which normally involved some medical terminology which he couldn't understand. He would just do what he did last time and just hand his phone over to the nurse or doctor to answer back. Coz he had no idea what some of the words meant or how to say them.

God, did he wish Trent was with him. Whenever one of them was injured, he counted on Trent to translate all the medical jargon for him so he didn't have to listen to the doctor try to explain what they had originally said but in lameness terms. But he didn't have him by his side. He was alone which meant he had to be their source of information.

As he stepped into the room, he took in how bright the room was. And it was a much larger room than he expected. But then he noticed the line of machines that wires all lead to the single hospital bed in the room. His eyes followed the wires that all attached to a single person. Now he felt physically sick.

Lying in the bed was his kid. He had to take a breath before moving further into the room. He felt his stomach turn, he thought that he would be relieved to see Clay looking somewhat normal after everything that had happened. But he wasn't. It made it worse. Clay looked normal. Not a hair out of place and he looked fast asleep if not for the tube that ran down his throat.

This was so unfair, why did things have to keep happening to his kid? He stood there for what felt like forever just starring at Clay. He didn't want to believe that his kid was back in a hospital bed fighting for his life. But it was. He was losing a member of his family all over again. He knew that the chances of Clay waking up whole was very slim and it broke him. He had already lost his kid even if his body was still with them.

In the back of his mind and he hated himself for thinking it, but it would be kinder if they had lost Clay than having to live with the fact that the kid he knew was dead. If they had, then they could grieve their loss and with time, they could move on a little with all the memories of their lost brother. But instead of that, if Clay woke up, they would have to deal with seeing their brother alive but not the same. He would be a stranger to them.

Then a voice broke his chain of thought, which made him jump. "You must be Jason?"

Jason's eyes darted in the direction of the voice and found that Clay wasn't alone. To Clay's left sat an older man with grey hair and dark brown eyes. Looking at him, he knew that the man was military or was military. Normally when he found someone he didn't know near one of his kids who was hurt, his shields went up and he felt nothing but anger towards that person. But this time was different, he felt something towards the man however it wasn't what he thought. The man meant something to Clay, that was easy to see. However, he just couldn't see what.

The man smiled and chuckled a little shaking his head before speaking."You look at him like a father would a son. Marius told me enough about you to know you when I see you," The man explained.

"How so?" Jason asked now a little confused.

"The way you look at him. You see him as a son more than just another member of your men." The man explained shrugging his shoulders. Jason knew at that moment that the man was no threat to him or Clay. In fact, he had a feeling that the man knew more than he did about the relationship he had with Clay. But he was right, he did see Clay as more of a son than just another member of Bravo. Which he knew could destroy him and Bravo as they were but he didn't care. Not right now.

"Right aren't I?" The man then asked with a soft smile.

"Maybe," Jason said moving a little closer to Clay's bedside and noticed that the man's hand was tightly holding Clay's. The man cared for Clay, maybe the same way but he knew that the kindness that he was showing towards him was due to Clay. And since Clay had spoken about him to Marius and that Marius had then told this man, meaning that the relationship between the three was as tight as Bravo. Maybe a little more if that was possible.

"I'm Frank. Marius' father." The man then explained holding out his other hand to shake Jason's.

Jason's brain finally clicked. He remembered what Mandy had told him about Marius' father. He had hated himself for asking her to dig into Clay's friend but at the same time, he was glad that he had at this moment. Frank not only knew and clearly cared about Clay. He knew what the life was like.

"Jason Hayes," Jason said taking hold of Frank's hand and shook it firmly.

"Good to finally meet you, just wish it was in better circumstances," Frank said as he released Jason's hand and his eyes automatically went back to Clay.

"I agree with you," Jason sighed as he took the spare seat that was on Clay's right which looked like it had been used by someone else. It looked like ever since Clay had been brought in and settled in a room, he hadn't been left alone. His heart bled a little knowing that Clay had never been left alone. Someone who knew him and cared for him had been with him every second of the way.

He turned to look at Clay's calm face and reached out and took Clay's other hand into his. It was warm. A good sign. His kid was still there, but what he really wanted was Clay to grip his hand tightly telling him that he was still with him.

"Have the doctors said anything?" He asked, hoping and praying for a better answer to what he had gotten the first time around. But he knew better. It was unlikely things would have changed so much since his last update. But he had to hope, right?

Frank couldn't take his eyes off his second son. He also knew the pain that he was about to cause Jason. The man clearly saw Clay as a son as well so the news he had would only cause the same pain it had him. But he couldn't keep it a secret. It wasn't his right to keep it from him.

With a sigh, he looked up at Jason. "No. All they keep saying is that we just have to wait and see how things go." He said grudgingly. He wished the doctors would be straight with him and tell him the truth but at the same time, he believed that maybe they had been telling the truth. They didn't know what was going on inside Clay's head nor would they until he started to fight back to them. "At times, his eyes flicker and his fingers twitch but he isn't showing any signs of waking up or fighting the tube," he then added turning his attention to Clay.

When Clay's hand had twitched he had thought that maybe Clay was coming around. But he had only done three times since he was brought in and only for him. He knew that the doctors wanted to believe him but when they had asked Clay to do it again he hadn't. Maybe he had wanted it so much that he had imagined it.

"So all we can do is wait?" Jason asked but he knew the answer already. All they could do was sit and wait for Clay to show all the doctors that they were wrong about him. That he was a fighter and would fight anything that was thrown at him

"That and drink coffee," Frank said, picking up his cup that he had left on the bedside unit next to him and taking in a mouth full of the still-hot liquid. He knew that his own doctor would have a heart attack on how much coffee he was drinking but he didn't care. He needed to stay alert for his kid.

Jason's mouth started to water as the smell of the coffee filled his nose. He so needed coffee. "Is the coffee good here?" He asked. He was used to bad coffee, hell Brock had broken the coffee machine more times than not with his deadly brew but he hadn't had any since the day he left base. And god, did he need some now. Normally coffee in a hospital was crap and they avoided it as much as possible but he needed to stay away for Clay.

Frank laughed and shook his head. He guessed that like him, Jason had sampled enough hospital coffee to know that it was no good. The brown liquid was a sorry excuse of the name coffee. Thankfully he had a guardian angel who was amazing at making coffee. "No," He said, shaking his head as he spoke. "My girlfriend makes the best coffee and brought me a big flask of it." He said picking up the flake that was still full. She had only dropped it off about thirty minutes before Jason had turned up.

"Want some?" He then asked, knowing that any member of the forces wouldn't turn down hot coffee. And also, he could see that as much as Jason looked alert, he could see the signs that he was struggling to stay awake.

"If you don't mind," Jason said nodding. For the first time since he had heard the news about Clay's accident, he felt how tired and run down he truly was. Coffee was the cure to that. And the only one he needed right now.

Frank poured some of the hot liquid into a spare cup that Elmarie had brought him in case Marius had wanted some. However, he had finally kicked his son out of the room and sent him home to get some much-needed sleep. He knew that his son would have stayed with his younger brother until he collapsed, but he couldn't allow that. He was already so close to losing one son, he didn't want the other becoming ill due to lack of sleep.

He then handed over the hot black coffee over Clay and into Jason's hand. He could tell that the other man needed it. And he could tell that Clay's other father was close to breaking. Just like he was.

"Thanks," Jason said, taking the cup and happily pouring the amazing hot coffee into his mouth. He could tell that it was freshly grounded beans and it was some of the best coffee he had ever had. He made a reminder to ask where he could get some before taking Clay home.

Then the two men fell into silence as one of the nurses came in to take Clay's readings. Jason couldn't help but watch her every move as she moved around Clay's bedside checking all the machines. He knew enough about hospital machines to know that at the minute Clay was doing ok. He wished that he didn't know so much about them but after spending so much time in the hospital he had learned pretty much what each machine was called and was for. But that only told him that Clay was really in trouble this time.

The nurse gave them both a soft smile before leaving them to the silence. Frank knew that the nurse was only trying to comfort them with the smile, but he saw the worried look in her face when she had checked Clay's heart readings. Clay's heart had stopped for what felt like forever to him, he couldn't lose his son after just getting him back. That would kill him.

He closed his eyes and kicked himself for thinking what he had told everyone else not to think. He had been the one that told everyone else that Clay was a fighter and that the kid would show them all that they were wrong to talk about him like he was on his deathbed because he wasn't. But he knew that as time went on, Clay's chances of waking up dropped even further.

After he got his emotions back under control, he opened them back up and looked over at Jason who hadn't taken his eyes off Clay the whole time. He could see the love that Jason had for Clay. It was clear for him to see that they were so much more between them than just Master Chief and Petty Officer. They were a family. And Frank could tell that seeing Clay like this was basically destroying him.

"He's going to be ok," Frank said softly looking directly at Jason and smiled as he saw that he had caused Jason to actually jump in his seat as he spoke. He had a strange feeling that Jason had literally forgotten that he was actually in the room.

After Jason was able to get over the shock of Frank speaking after so long sitting in silence, he took in a deep breath and sighed. How could he know that? Did he not see what state Clay was currently in? "How do you know that?" He asked as he played with the cup in his hand.

Frank bit his lip, trying to work out how he was going to explain this to the man. In the end, he could only say four words that he had found himself repeating of late. "Coz I know him."

Jason looked at Frank with complete confusion. What the hell did that mean? He knew from the information Mandy had been able to get on Marius and his family, that Clay must see the other man as pretty much family like he saw Bravo. Which meant that of course, he would know the kid a little better than him but as a child only. He knew that more than likely Frank had no idea what had happened to Clay once he had left the country. He guessed that Marius must have filled his father in on stuff he knew but other than that, Clay must be a complete stranger to him. And when he was given the chance to get to know the kid now, this happened.

Frank smiled again and looked back at Clay. "When he was a kid and he got sick or hurt, we would always think the worst." He said sighing as the memories of those times came flooding back to him. They were some of the worst days of his life.

"He never did anything by halves." He added laughing a little at his own comment. As a child, every illness that attacked Clay hit him hard. Even the common flu and cold attacked his body with a furious assault. It was why they were so careful when one of them was ill.

"When he got dengue fever that one time, we thought that we were going to lose him. He ended up in a hospital for over a week on fluids and two weeks before they would discharge him." That time was one of the scariest. He had never seen a child so ill before. The fever attacked every part of his body causing him to become very weak. It had broken him a little seeing Clay that weak and feverish. He himself had gotten dengue fever years back and he knew how ill he had felt but for Clay, it had taken nearly everything the kid had. And it only got worse from there, in the end, the doctors had diagnosed him with dengue hemorrhagic fever. They had nearly lost him. An image that was still very fresh in his mind, even to this day.

"He had dengue fever?" Jason asked shocked. He had never bothered to look into Clay's complete file but he knew that if he had then he would have seen the illnesses that Clay had already dealt with. Their medical file was a lot more detailed than normal Seals due to the nature of their job. They had to be up to date with all vaccinations and regularly got booster shots whenever they needed them.

Frank looked away from Clay and back at Jason, "Yer." He said nodding his head. He really wasn't surprised that Clay hadn't mentioned anything about his past to Jason. The kid was always a closed book about personal things. And the kid had a lot of ghosts locked away in his head. Some worse than others.

He then sighed before continuing. "It was when he was around nine years old. We had all just moved back to South Africa and Clay and his Grandmother had come with us. A few days after the move, Clay started to become unwell. He was having headaches, had a temperature and started to get a rash. Then he took a turn for the worse. We ended up rushing to the hospital." Frank had to stop for a second. The images of Clay in that hospital bed barely breathing came back to the forefront of his mind. He could still hear Clay's horrible attempts to breathe even to this day. But at the time he was just so happy that he was still breathing. The little gasps told him that Clay hadn't given up the fight. That he was still fighting to come back to them.

Frank coughed to hide when his voice broke but then continued. "Scared his poor grandmother half to death. She had just lost her husband and then her grandson was seriously ill in the hospital. The woman was so strong as an elephant but you could tell that she was worried about him then," He had no idea how that woman dealt with everything all at once, within a few months she had lost her husband and had come so close to losing her only grandchild and still she had held it together throughout it all.

"Yer I can imagine," Jason said softly, turning back to look at Clay. He had no idea what he would do if Clay was like that today. Hell any of his kids. When Emma and Mikey were younger and they came down with a cold or the flu, he was a nervous wreck. He had taken their temperature every hour and was on the phone to Trent and Naima repeatedly checking to make sure that there wasn't anything to worry about. Alana had been his lifeline. She had been the one that told him to calm the fuck down and that the kids were ok. But now he didn't have that lifeline to keep him calm and his two kids had gone to three. Thankfully Naima and his mom was only a phone call away.

"But he fought through it and I have no doubt that he would beat this," Frank said, taking hold of Clay's hand once again. The warm hand always gave him more comfort. Taking hold of his child's hand always calmed him. It would for any father as it told him that his son was safe. Clay was safe.

"You sounded so confident," Jason said. He had to admit, even with seeing Clay, he knew that all the odds were against his youngest Seal. But he knew that Clay would continue to fight for them more than himself. The kid cared so much about others that he would do anything for them. Even give his life. And that was what scared him the most. Clay was too young to die but he could say the same for every brother that he had lost over the years. But he knew personally that he saw Clay in a different light. Clay was special. That's all he could say.

Frank watched Jason carefully now. He could tell that Jason was struggling with something and he planned to try to get it out of him if it helped him. Clay cared for Jason so if he could help his son's boss then he would be helping Clay when he woke up.

He smiled a little and then nodded towards Clay, "Known this kid for years, Jason. He will surprise you every chance he gets. Every time he would do something stupid that made my heart jump in my throat, he would just get up with that stupid grin on his face that made me want to slap him and hug him at the same time."

Jason chuckled at the comment. He should have known that Clay had been a hand full as a kid. "Whenever he does something stupid that makes me think I am going to lose him, he just gets back up with that stupid grin on his face that makes me want to smack him." He said, shaking his head. How many times had he thought he had lost the kid only to find him alive? Too many. And he had a feeling that the kid was only getting started. He was going to be completely grey before he retired because of him.

"Guess he hasn't changed much then?" Frank asked with a smile. He was glad that not everything had changed with his son.

Jason shook his head but didn't speak. He made a little reminder to ask Frank later about what Clay had done in the past just so he could work out how to catch Clay's tells so he could stop him from getting himself killed.

"Get used to it," Frank said as he moved closer to Clay and started to rub Clay's forearm.

"Thanks," Jason muttered, rubbing his hand over his face. He had hoped that Clay's little incidents were him just finding his footing inside Bravo but it looked like the kid had been doing it for years.

The two then once again fell into silence.

Frank looked at Clay and did his best to try to control his emotions. But he was losing. This was all his fault. "Just wished things would have ended differently. This is my fault," He whispered as he rubbed Clay's arm. He had been the one to ask Marius to ask Clay if he wanted to go fishing. It had been his idea. And his idea had nearly lost him his son. He would never be able to forgive himself if Clay died.

"How so?" Jason asked. He didn't know what Frank was talking about but he knew what guilt looked like. He had worn it often enough.

Frank sighed but never took his eyes off Clay as he spoke, "It was my idea to go fishing. Wished I had just suggested dinner or maybe…" All the options that he hadn't thought of came to mind. Like another hiking trip, a meal at one of the local restaurants that he used to take Clay to as a kid or maybe just hang out at his place.

"This wasn't your fault," Jason said, shaking his head. "Shit happens. This was no one's fault." He hated admitting it but this wasn't anyone's fault. It was an accident. Clay was just doing the right thing as normal.

Frank nodded knowing that Jason was right but then as he listened to Jason's words he felt like Jason really didn't believe his own words when it came down to it. Not that he thought the man was blaming him for this but more likely himself. He knew the body language of a man who blamed himself for everything. And Jason's body screamed it.

"So why do you look like you are blaming yourself for this?" Frank asked turning now his full attention to Jason but never removed his hand from Clay's arm.

Jason sighed and closed his eyes. He knew that Frank was right. Hell Ray and Blackburn had already had this talk with him one time or another. Ray definitely. But that didn't change the fact that he was 1IC. Clay was his responsibility.

"Coz maybe I am," Jason said, shaking his head and allowed it to fall into his hands.

"Why? You weren't even in the country." Frank said, trying to understand Jason's reasoning. He understood if Clay had been on a mission or was on a trip with his team but Clay hadn't been with them. He had been in another country. So how was it Jason's fault that this happened?

"Clay is my responsibility. And I let him down," Jason said, raising his head but only looked at Clay's face. The kid looked so young right now. This wasn't fair.

"How? From what he told me about you, you have always had his back no matter what. The way he talks about you and your team, tells me that you guys are his family." Frank said. He knew that being a team leader came with the unwritten rule that it didn't matter if you were with your men or not, if something bad happened to them then it was your fault.

He had carried that feeling himself both in the army and in the police force. Every time one of his officers or soldiers had been hurt at home, he blamed himself for it. He knew that it was stupid to feel like that and people who didn't understand their role told him to get over it but he couldn't. Those men and women were his families and he was trained to protect his family. Just like Jason and soon Clay. He knew Clay had a bright future ahead of him and knew that his son would fight for that. If not for himself but for them.

"It just feels like no matter what I do, I keep failing him. How am I meant to trust myself when it comes to operating when I keep letting him down?" Jason said, shaking his head. He had failed Clay time and time again. How long before Clay started to not trust him? Because he knew that the second that started to happen he would not only lose Clay but one of his kids as well.

Frank sighed and knew that Jason was really struggling with that problem. He also knew that it wouldn't matter what he said to the man, he wouldn't believe him until Clay woke up and told him so. But he had no idea when that would be so he had to try. "Speaking as a former soldier…" Frank started to say caught Jason's attention, "...your men are your family. It's that simple. But it is also the bittersweet thing about this life that we are in. We aren't meant to see our family die in front of us. Or die because of our actions or orders."

He looked back at Clay and sighed, he knew the life that Clay was in, what life his son was in but it was their lives and he couldn't...wouldn't stop them from doing what they wanted to do. "But at the end of the day, we all knew the risks when we joined the service." He said with another sigh.

"War is deadly and dangerous but at the end of the day, if we didn't fight it, no one would. And the world would be on flames long before we were ever born. We make a difference in this world Jason…" Frank said not staring into Jason's face and caught the other man's eyes.

"...we make it a better place so our children don't have to see the things we do unless they choose to. It's a father's job to protect his children." He said turning now to look at Clay.

"But it is also our job to accept what they do with their life as well. Clay wanted to help others in a way that only gave him one option and that was to fight as a warrior. He wanted to save those that as a child he couldn't. Our boy here…" Frank said nodding his head towards Clay which caused Jason to look at him.

"...has already seen the pain and suffering that other men can cause. More than any child could have to suffer but it also is what made him this strong," Frank added with a strong tone. He was so proud of his son, both of them. But knowing that they were in this life scared him. His time as a soldier had changed him forever and knew that as time went on, the life would change his sons as well. He could tell that had already changed Marius but since he had missed so much of Clay's life, he had no idea how much the life had changed his youngest.

"The one thing that I learned about this kid was that he would never put his life in hands of those he doesn't trust." Frank knew that he was speaking the truth. Clay didn't trust easily but when he did, it was for good reason.

"And he trusts you. My advice. Get over whatever problems you have because this kid would never question you." Frank finished as he leant back in his chair as he moved his hand to take hold of Clay's limp hand. Jason needed to deal with his own problems soon before it destroyed not only himself but the relationship that he had with Clay.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Jason whispered as he too took Clay's hand. "I keep losing those I care about," he added feeling the wet feeling from his left eye. His emotions were now taking over. He couldn't keep failing Clay.

"We all lose those we care about. Maybe they were too good for this world." Frank said, shaking his head. He understood what Jason was getting at. "My wife had been one of those but that doesn't mean we stop fighting either. We all do some good in this world. And that is what really matters," he finished hoping that Jason would start to believe him. He just hoped that God wouldn't take his son too. Clay had so much left to do. He wasn't done with this world just yet.

"Just lately I feel like the world…" Jason said but before he could finish Frank jumped in.

"...Is against you?" He finished Jason's question. Sometimes he felt the same. "I've been there Jason. After losing my wife, my world fell apart. At that time it didn't matter that I had a son of my own to look after, I couldn't get past that grief." It was painful for him to think back to how far he had fallen after his wife's death. He had all but abandoned Marius with his grief. He had turned to drink and had nearly lost everything if it hadn't been for one person.

"How did you?" Jason asked, trying to lock his emotions away again but he was failing at that as well.

Frank then smiled at the memory that then came to his mind. "Clay." He said kindly and squeezed Clay's hand with his. "He showed me that there was still good in the world. That I could get past my pain. That there was something I still had worth fighting for." He said remembering Clay's face as he begged him to come back to them.

Seeing Clay so heartbroken with tears scarring his face had finally got him to see reason. The little boy that he still saw every time he looked at Clay. A child that had lost so many people in his life already that he saw himself as being selfish to take another person from him. Clay needed those that loved him to be there for him. He needed his family just like Marius needed his father. It was then that he saw Clay as nothing other than his other son. They both needed him.

"I still had my family and they needed me," Frank whispered into the silent room but knew that Jason had heard him. They would get through this. They had too.