Week 24
They took Nicky to Litchfield Maximum. In handcuffs. On drug charges. She watched as they dragged Nicky down the hallway to the front yard where a van was waiting for her arrival. Nicky's eyes were daunting and hollow. She would be lying if she said that she didn't see it coming. She did see it coming but she also knew there was nothing she could do to stop Nicky from going down that path.
Or perhaps there was. If she hadn't been so fucking engrossed in her own fucking misery, if she had just swallowed up her pain for once - maybe, just maybe Nicky wouldn't be going down that path. But she had been a pragmatist the whole time. So fucking selfish that she didn't notice that Nicky needed her as much she needed Nicky. She was disgusted at herself becuase deep down she was also worried about how she will get her sleeping pills after the fucking drug sweep.
And suddenly, Alex felt like she was all alone. Suddenly the walls were thicker and the lights brighter. The reality of being in a prison where no one really knew her hit her like a brick wall. Her friend- her only friend - was in this hellhole because of her and she had let her slip deeper into hell. She felt suffocated. The murmurs and whispers overwhelmed her senses. Her shoes hit the floor in a hurried pace.
She rushed to the phone and dialed the only number that she remembered. She grabbed the phone harder than she needed to and waited for the dial tone to be over.
"Hey, Al," Piper picked up cheerfully.
Alex swallowed her anxiety and tried to reciprocate the same tone.
"Hey, babe," she replied. "What are you doing?"
"I was just- I…" Piper paused. "Al, is everything okay?"
Alex chewed down on her tongue and laid her forehead on the wall in front.
"Yeah." She exhaled a shattered breath. "Everything is fine. I-I just needed to hear your v-voice."
"Al, you could tel-"
Alex slammed the phone into the hook angrily. She glanced around. No one had seen her. Everyone was too busy with the debacle that Nicky had caused. She jogged up to the nearest bathroom and threw up whatever was left in her stomach. She couldn't feel her edges anymore. It felt like melting - in a degrading way.
The acidity in her mouth was just settling down when she heard footsteps coming towards her. She flushed the toilet and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Prison doesn't do well with vulnerability. And now that she was really alone, she couldn't risk it.
CO McCollough was standing awkwardly with her hands folded in front of her, watching her through the mirror. Alex washed her hands and brushed down her uniform. She forced herself to hold her calm demeanour in front of the slightly nervous CO.
"I was not flushing out drugs if that's what you are worried about." Alex said into the mirror cooly.
"No. No. T-that's not. I know you weren't." McCollough stammered. "I was just thinking if you would like a cigarette-"
"What?" Alex whipped around in surprise. Was she hearing things now? McCollough has always been one of the nice ones. She was at least reasonable. But what she was asking shocked Alex. Was this a fucking test?
"I mean, you know to take the edge off. Outside. In the yard. With everything that's been going around lately. You were friends with Nickols. And now she… she is… You must be s-stressed." She continued.
There was no reason for a CO to offer cigarettes to inmates unless there were ulterior motives. What the hell did she want from Alex? Why was she being so compassionate all of a sudden? There was no reason to… unless…
"What the fuck do you want from me?" Alex asked in a clear authoritative voice. She was not going to back down from this fight.
"W-what? No. No. I don't w-want anything. I was just trying to be friendly-" she stuttered on.
"Well then," Alex said firmly. "You won't mind if I go out now."
"No. Of course not." McCollough cleared her way.
Alex took long strides towards the door. Determined to get the hell out of there.
"M-maybe you should t-talk to Piper. She w- um… must be worried after you cut the phone like that."
Alex halted in her steps.
"How do you know about Piper and the phone call?" She asked, turning around.
"Oh," McCollough looked taken aback. "I-I saw you near the phones."
"No. You didn't." Alex had looked around to see if anyone was there. No one was there at the moment. "You couldn't know about it unless…"
Unless… unless… Piper told her herself.
Oh, oh.
Jesus fucking Christ.
She scoffed and turned on her heels towards the door.
"Wait." McCollough ran after her. "Where are you going?"
"That's none of your business." Alex said coldly. "And would you please tell Piper something for me?"
"Y-yes. Anything-"
"Tell her to stay the fuck away from me."
—
Week 25
Dear Alex,
I understand that you are angry with me but please give me a chance to explain. It wasn't about whatever you think it was about. I was worried about your safety. I couldn't be there with you. And if something happened to you, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself.
I am sorry. I should have told you about it. I was an idiot. Please put me back on your visitation list. Or call me. Or write to me. But please, please just talk to me.
I love you and I miss you.
Yours,
Piper.
—
Week 26
Dear Alex,
I knew Artesian McCollough from the army. When I discovered that she was at Litchfield - I contacted her. I asked her to keep an eye out as a favour. Just to make sure that you're safe. Make the transition easier. We had been through so much - you had been through so much that I couldn't risk another surprise.
Tell me, if you had been in my place, wouldn't you do everything in your absolute power to make sure that I was safe? I know you would. I know you would, Alex. Again, I am sorry. We are not in contact anymore. She promised me she'll back off.
Please just call me.
Love Always,
Piper.
—
Week 27
Dear Alex,
Are you even reading these? I don't even know if you are fucking alive. Alex this is too much. I am done apologising. You have to understand where I am coming from. Maybe I was paranoid manipulative bitch or whatever you want to call me but fuck… it did not give you the right to be a fucking asshole. You have punished me enough, Alex.
You're hurting us both by doing this. Will you just grow up, be mature and talk about this face to face like adults?
I will be in Europe after this week. There's no certain date of return. If you want to fix this then please put me on your visitation list. I will come to Litchfield this weekend. And I hope you are willing to talk.
Love Always,
Piper.
—
Week 29
The visitation room was more crowded than Piper remembered. She picked on the hem of her blue sundress. She straightened it out and brushed off something invisible. She was dressed to impress, yes, but her nerves were getting the best of her.
Alex had put her on her visitation list. That was a relief. That gave some hope but this horrible thought that Alex was punishing her by standing her out clouded her mind. What if Alex was not ready to talk?
Her negative thoughts came to halt when Alex finally came in through the double doors. Her face was stony- an expression Piper recalled from business meetings in the cartel. Piper stood up when Alex came closer looking straight into her eyes. But Alex made no move to hug her. That broke Piper a little more.
"Hi," Piper said, sitting down. The cold stare that Alex was giving her felt like daggers in her own skin.
"Hi?" Alex shrugged. "Get to the point, Pipes. Say you are sorry. Say you had reasons. Go ahead. I know you had this conversation already in your head-"
"Yes, I am sorry, Alex." Piper snapped. "But I would do it again in a heartbeat. I was trying to protect you."
Alex scoffed and pushed her glasses up on her head.
"Do you think you were born this way or should I thank Carol for your exhausting need to control every fucking thing?"
Piper sighed. Defeated, she clapped her hands in front of her and looked away. In Alex's head it was about control. A stupid power struggle.
"Fine. I crossed a line." Piper said looking at her again. Alex nodded. "But I had no choice-"
"Oh, I swear to god-"
"No, Alex." Piper interjected. "Hear me out. I asked you. I asked you if you were okay. I asked you if so many times and you just said that you were doing fine. And Alex I am not blind. I saw you. And did you really expect me to think you were fine in that state-"
"Wow, Pipes, you are flattering me-"
"-Alex, I don't know if you thought you were protecting me. Or didn't want me to worry about you. But I couldn't ignore the s-signs that you were not okay. And you were not telling me anything."
"There was nothing to tell." Alex leaned in closer. Her eyes softened.
"You didn't tell me about your nightmares-"
"Jesus, how do-" Alex adjusted her glasses and looked away.
"I know, alright." Piper held Alex's hand on the table. "I know about the sleeping pills and I know what happened to Nicky. And you didn't tell me any of those. You kept me in the dark and it didn't help either of us. I should have tried more with you but it felt like I had no choice." Piper finished softly. "Al, please say something."
Alex looked down at their hands and then at Piper. Piper was surprised at the vulnerability evident in Alex's eyes. When Alex started talking it was like she was ashamed of even admitting it.
"I, uh, you were busy with your job and life." She said. "I didn't want to hold you back. It was just stupid nightmares and then everything with Nicky. I didn't want to worry you. We already had been through so many things worse than that. I thought I could handle-"
"Alex, I could have helped. If only you talked to me, I could have hel-"
"You have no idea what I am going through." Alex said sadly.
"Then tell me." Piper persisted. "That's how this works. You talk to me about it so that I can take your hand and fucking walk through this shit with you."
"I know."
"Al, sometimes it feels easier to bottle things up, put them in little boxes and shove them away but trust me, it's not the best way. I have done that enough times to know that it all eventually comes back to bite." Piper said. "Al, just- just talk to someone. It doesn't need to be me. Just anyone. It'll help-"
The officer announced that visitation time was now over. The room was suddenly filled with shuffling noises and people murmuring goodbyes. Alex hurried to her feet along with Piper.
In one swift movement Piper was in Alex's arms. Holding her firmly. Her hands grabbing the back of her prison uniform.
"You won't be here next week?" Alex asked like a hopeful child. Piper shook her head.
"Probably not." She said. "I'll write to you. Promise that you will call?"
"Yeah. I promise." Alex said hurriedly. The inmates were already retreating.
"I love you." Piper kissed her gently on her lips.
"I love you too." Alex replied, leaning forehead to forehead before walking back inside the prison.
—
Week 31
"An inmate from Litchfield-"
Piper pressed one.
"Hey," she breathlessly said.
"Hey," Alex replied. "Where are you? What's that noise?"
"I… um… can't actually tell-"
"Oh… it's fine." Alex said. "Is this a bad time to call?"
"No! Of course not! It's perfect." Piper shouted over the phone. "How are you doing?"
"Better actually. There's this new prison counselor and she actually knows how to do her job. She has been helping a lot."
"Good. Good."
"Pipes, did you have anything to do with this new-"
"What? No!"
"Pipes?"
Piper could heat the smile in her voice
"Okay- maybe. Yes! I might have left a very suggestive non-threading voicemail." Piper chewed down on her cheek.
"Pipes. I am not angry."
"You're not?"
"No-" A loud banging noise came from Piper's side. "Pipes! Are you-"
"Yes! Yes! I am absolutely fine!" Piper yelled.
"I'll call you later. Bye love you."
"Love you too."
