29/10/20: I Fought the Law
The first sign I had of trouble was when all of my doors suddenly slammed shut.
I turned, watching the metal slides come down over the doorways, windows and garage door, leaving the four of us trapped on the wrong side. A siren blared, and an automated voice declared; 'LOCKDOWN ENGAGED."
"Lockdown," huffed Stevonnie. "If I never hear that word again, it'll be too soon."
I ran to the door, pounding on it.
"Soos!" I called. "Uh, just… just push the big red override button! It's next to the TV!"
"I'm afraid Soos didn't do this."
"Agent Strangways?" I stepped back. "Why do you suddenly have an Australian…"
I trailed off.
"…the Bus Driver," I breathed. "Soos was right."
"Yes, if you'd have bothered to listen to him, you'd be in here right now, about to win," he replied. "But you're not. You're out there, about to be riddled with FBI bullets."
"Not likely!" I snapped. "I have defences."
"You mean the machine guns?"
There was a beep – I yelped as my machine guns suddenly burst as the explosives in the barrels exploded.
"…self-destructing machine guns," I muttered. "Not one of my… I mean Jimmy's brighter ideas."
"You won't get away with this!" snapped Sandy. "When Parker finds out you played him-"
"Parker? Parker knows! We've been very honest with each other, Ms. Cheeks."
"Oh yeah?" I snapped. "Well, you don't have an answer to everything! I still have the Crucible, and once Tulip's hack finishes running-"
"…or once I pull out this plug…"
Tulip's eyes widened as she looked up from the laptop.
"The connection just died!" she exclaimed.
"Did… did you just yank the plug out of my modem?!" I demanded. "You little sh-"
"How about," sniffed the Bus Driver, "instead of moaning and begging and cursing your fate, you just accept the end with dignity? Hell, even Grim could do that."
"I don't get it!" shouted Stevonnie. "What do you gain from this? You're not a hero; you know that, right?"
"Neither are you. Neither are any of you. What I get from this is peace."
"Peace…"
"You know, there's a lot of things you didn't bother to describe," continued the Bus Driver. "You remember the Fiddley Thing Mk. I? What did it look like again, huh?"
"It... has a knob? I dunno, just let him go..."
"A knob, yes - and it's powered by a uranium rod," growled the Bus Driver. "And you know what happens to people when they get exposed to uranium rods, and they don't have scientist friends?"
"…uranium rod," I whispered. "Radiation poisoning…"
I shook my head.
"Oh god," I said. "How long?"
"Why should you care?" the Bus Driver snorted. "Nobody did. Did even one of your readers even notice that? Did they even point it out?"
"I think they were busy being traumatised by all the killing you were doing," replied Stevonnie.
"That's an excuse and you know it!"
I bit my lip.
"Look, okay, I didn't treat you with respect," I said. "Nobody did. I'm sorry about that. But we can stop this, right now. Nobody has to do anything they'll regret."
There was a long silence.
"I've made my bed, and so have you."
"Then at least let Tulip go!" snapped Sandy. "She ain't done anything! You know that, and so does Parker!"
There was a hollow laugh.
"She did do something wrong. She sided with you. Goodbye."
There was the sound of a stereo being turned on, and a tinny recording was played.
Breakin' rocks in the hot sun,
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
"Is it wrong that I find it really hard to feel sorry for the cancer thing?" asked Sandy dryly.
"It's getting noticeably harder," admitted Stevonnie.
I took a deep breath through my nose.
"Well, that's it then," I said.
"You giving up?" demanded Sandy.
"No, I'm not," I replied. "I'm just done playing around."
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small, phone-like device – a Neutronic Recaller.
"I'm gonna be honest, we may not have time," I said. "Parker's going to be here any minute, and I don't know how long I can stall him. We may not be able to save anyone. But we can still stop the Bus Driver, and maybe help Soos if he's still alive."
I closed my eyes and pressed a big red button at the bottom of the machine.
"This is E350 calling Outcast. Bring me everyone."
No sooner had I put down the recaller than a score of APCs rocketed up the driveway, coming to a halt in front of the house. Dozens and dozens of armoured FBI agents burst out of them, forming a firing line in a semi-circular formation in front of us. The sounds of safeties being clicked off filled the air.
The hatch of the lead vehicle opened, and Agent Parker lifted his head out.
"Bring 'em up."
A few of the agents parted as a hulking man in a bomb disposal suit trudged to the front, hurling a sack to the floor in front of him. It burst open, and I watched with wide eyes and Peridot and Amethyst rolled out, a little brusied but very much alive.
"Amethyst!"
Stevonnie began to run to the gems, but the rattling of the big agent drawing a machine gun stopped them.
Amethyst looked up.
"Hey 'Vonnie," she said weakly. "Just wanna say, ASIO sucks big donkey-"
"I promised you one warning," sneered Parker. "This is it. There will be no stalling, no discussion, no begging, no weeping, no compromises or negociation, no nothing!"
I looked from left to right – from Sandy, to Stevonnie, to Tulip and to the gems. Small nods were exchanged.
I took a deep breath.
"I see that thesaurus pays for itself," I said.
"No jokes, no stalling!" shouted Parker. "Surrender or die! I've handpicked these men, and not one of them would fail to enforce the law with the maximum legal and some illegal force."
"I just like hurtin' people," said the big agent.
There was a long silence.
"Exemplary," said Parker in awe.
"You won't even let the kids go?" Sandy asked.
"I like hurtin' kids even more," said the big agent.
"…okay, that's a bit much," said Parker. "But criminals are criminals and we will destroy them without hesitation."
"Well, when you put it like that," I said, "I guess I have no choice."
"You surrender?" asked Parker.
"See, Parker, we got a funny feeling," said Sandy, "that y'all wouldn't take us in even if we did."
"You know, when I write Halloween Unspectacular, I usually rate it T, which means I'm allowed one F word," I said. "I don't think I've ever used it, so… who wants the honours?"
Tulip stepped forward, pointing directly at Parker.
"Fuck the police!"
"Ain't that right?" I nodded, drawing the Anti-Magic Tommy Gun.
Parker's face turned a magnificent shade of red.
"Problem, Parker?" asked Stevonnie, grinning. "You look like a Ruby."
Agent Parker winced and clutched the handrails on the APC – he looked like he was having a stroke. Incoherent growls of rage escaped his throat.
"Well, it's been a privilege," I said, aiming the gun.
"Likewise," said Sandy.
"You little… you dirty… you insolent… what are you waiting for?! FIRE!"
And as one, the entire FBI force opened fire.
After all these years, after ghosts, Arthurians knights, reality warpers and Nazi superscience, we're finally at the final boss of Halloween Unspectacular - the FBI.
