Valairy Scott - We will get to the new to you stuff. If memory serves, I left this on a pretty nasty cliffhanger on .
Guest - Thank you. I started this specifically because I wanted to have someone who had previously fallen train Anakin, someone who might see problems before they came up.
Chapter 32
How many times had he been here before? He hated waiting, sitting idly while the seconds flowed into minutes then hours and nothing changed, at least that he could see. It was cruel and unusual punishment for a man of action, one who was accustomed to making things happen. He and Anakin had received word upon reaching Coruscant that Obi-Wan and Ben had been located and were on their way back. Although both were alive, little indication was given of their condition other than Ben was wounded and Obi-Wan was "stable", whatever that meant. Glancing to the side, he frowned as he sensed the same restlessness in his apprentice. It reminded him that, not wanting to subject the boy to his own internal struggle, he had been closed off to Anakin for most of the trip back to Coruscant. It was a silence that needed to be broken for both their sakes. He opened his mouth to say something when he sensed it, about the same time Anakin did.
The door to the Healer's Ward burst open, a team of healers pushing a hover bed quickly into the area. He stood up, peeking through the wall of bodies, only able to catch glimpses of Obi-Wan nearly cocooned in a mass of wires and tubes. They passed and he trailed behind them until they reached another set of doors and passed through. He started to follow, when the healer bringing up the rear, Master Nuran, turned and blocked his way.
"There is nothing you can do to help," she said softly. "Please stay out here." He inclined his head, allowing his expression to say a thousand words he couldn't voice. She gave him one of her gentle, well-practiced smiles. "I can't make any promises about his condition yet."
"I need to see him," Xanatos said. Determined to have his way, he had allowed a slight edge to slip into his voice, but it still only revealed a fraction of the pent up frustration he felt.
"I will allow visitors after he's stable enough for the tank." He opened his mouth to protest, having every intention of shoving the slender woman aside, but was met by a firm stare he had encountered too many times in his life. "Don't engage me in a battle of wills Xanatos … you will lose," she warned.
She left him standing, frustration with apprehension gnawing at him from within, going off to where he was forbidden to follow. He was remotely aware that the doors behind him had opened and turned to find Garen Muln guiding Ben in through the doors they had just brought Obi-Wan through. The boy's expression was dismal, exhaustion still clinging to him, and his arm was pulled up in a sling. Xanatos closed his eyes, feeling a torrent of emotion well up inside, demanding to be released. Against his better judgment, he spoke.
"Where the hell were you when this happened?"
Ben froze, what little color that remained draining from his face. Xanatos watched as the boy fought for composure against words that had cut deep.
"Master?" Anakin questioned, his eyes wide with disbelief at his mentor's uncharacteristic behavior.
"Xanatos …" Garen was cut short as Ben spoke.
"My master ordered me away, Master Xanatos," Ben said with all the grimness of one confessing a hideous sin.
"And predictably … you obeyed," Xanatos spat out angrily. "At least you're safe."
Ben brought a trembling hand to his face before quickly retreating down a hallway. There was a tug of regret inside Xanatos for the harsh words delivered as he watched the boy flee, but it had felt good to vent the bubbling raw emotion.
"You were out of line," Garen said sternly, staring Xanatos down with a fire Xanatos had never seen in the younger Jedi's eyes before. He dropped his head.
"You're right … I should go speak …" Xanatos said, moving to follow Ben.
"No." Garen placed a hand on his chest, shoving him hard as Xanatos resisted. "You need to go win this war you're waging inside first. If I'm not mistaken, there is a meditation room around here somewhere. Come back when you are prepared to respond to this like the Jedi master I know you to be."
Something inside him screamed to lash out, to rip the patronizing tongue out of Garen's mouth and shove it down his throat. Xanatos trembled, feeling sweat begin to bead up on the sides of his temple. The next thing he felt was Anakin's hand on his shoulder offering a concerned burst of comforting energy. He finally broke his stand off with Garen, nodding his head.
"Do you need me to show you there? It's down the hall."
"No, Garen." Xanatos didn't turn to face him again, reaching up to wipe a tear from his eye before it fell down his face. "I know it well."
Garen moved over next to Anakin as they watched Xanatos hurry down the hall like someone fleeing to seek refuge from a storm.
"Is he going to be okay?" Anakin asked.
Garen shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to say. He had known Xanatos a long time, but had never seen the Jedi master this close to losing control. "He needs time." It was the best answer he could offer. "If you would like to return to your quarters …"
"I think I will stay here. In case the healers have news of Obi-Wan. You should go find Ben."
Anakin sat down, the usually confident, almost cocky youth seeming lost and alone. As he watched, Garen was torn between which padawan needed more guidance at the moment. He chose Ben. The youth wasn't hard to find, waves of distress leading him to a nearby refresher.
"Ben?" he called gently as he opened the door.
The only response was the sound of retching from one of the stalls. There was a pause. "This really isn't a good time, Master Muln," Ben called with a shaky voice.
"I can wait," Garen said patiently. So much for the little food the boy had managed to get down on the trip back.
The door to the stall opened and Ben approached the sink. He turned on the faucet, plunging his hands under the cool water, splashing it on his face several times until the edges of his hairline were soaked. After rinsing out his mouth, he braced his hands on the sides of the sink, looking up at Garen in the mirror.
"Do you need to talk?" Garen asked, motioning out the door.
Ben followed, sitting down to a bench out in the hallway. He scooped up the edge of his grimy tunic and began to fumble with the hem. Garen gave him time to sort out his thoughts.
"I knew Master Xanatos would be upset, but I didn't think he would be that angry with me," Ben said while staring ahead at the wall.
"We talked about this on the transport. You did nothing wrong."
Ben let out a pained chuckle. "I abandoned my master and ran like a coward. Master Xanatos didn't say it, but that was what he was thinking … and he's right."
"You obeyed a direct order," Garen counted. "And I don't believe there was any cowardice on your part. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is the opposite of what your heart is telling you to do."
"It's my fault if he dies," Ben said, finally making eye contact with Garen.
"If you had not gone, you both would likely be dead. It's because of you that your master is still alive. I want you to remember that."
Xanatos wiggled like a youngling attempting to meditate for the first time. Why had he chosen this room? Finding any sort of calm center at the moment was a joke. What he desperately wanted to do was break something and a meditation room had little to offer. The idea of hacking the place to pieces with his saber sprung to mind. It would be intensely satisfying to burst open the overstuffed pillows and fill the air with tiny bits of stuffing and fluffy down. It would make him feel better for a time, but then he would have to explain it later.
"I failed you Master," he called out. "I promised you I would take care of him, and I didn't."
After a lifetime of rebelling, of thinking he needed nothing, he wished Qui-Gon were here to talk to, to give him the advice he had never heeded before. He allowed himself a sad sigh. The truth was he probably wouldn't listen anyhow. "Let's see," he ventured. "You would tell me that he wasn't mine to protect in the first place. That he's a Jedi master now, and that although he seems to have picked up your same damn self-sacrificing tendencies, it's his right to do so, even if I don't like it."
There was no answer. The room was still bathed in silence, but the truth of what he had told himself was beginning to sink in. "I will take the silence as confirmation," he said, cracking the first smile he had since Tatooine. "And then you would tell me I need to apologize to Ben, and Anakin, and Garen for acting like a self-centered youngling. You would remind me that what Obi-Wan would want most would be for me to take care of Ben, not attack him, or blame him ... and you would be right."
Xanatos was desperate to hear an audible voice. There were so many times he almost thought he had heard it before, his imagination supplying his desires. He would take imagination now.
"I screwed up with Anakin this time," he called out, voice cracking every so slightly. "All my teachings on staying in control …"
"Forgive you your padawan will."
Xanatos rolled off his knees, turning to the sound of the familiar voice. "How long have you been in here, Master Yoda?"
"Long enough to see that on the path to the peace you desire you are."
"But still far away," Xanatos voiced softly. "I am hardly centered."
"Then, help you I will." Yoda settled onto the pillow across from him. "Stubborn, Jedi Masters are. Think that they can never ask for help."
"Thank you, Master." Xanatos replied, already sinking into the tranquil currents of the Force that surrounded the aged Jedi master.
