Hey guys, sorry for the long wait! I thought I had to come up with scenes, but I had been disconnected for so long (or at least it feels long), they didn't come spontaneously—until I found out I already roughly wrote up the entire chapter somewhere. My face when I saw that. Thank you, past me.

Replies to Reviews:

Joalin: Aw, thanks so much, I'm smiling over here. All the love to you^^. Hey ranting or not, I enjoy reading them so you totally don't have to hold back on my account. Yeah, I thought it'd be much better to show all the scenes, like re-live that moment and experience the emotions he felt. Because I need to establish that Illumi wasn't born numb/expressionless and emotionless. Also cause I love Ilu and want to explore that past. Also, we got to see Kiru's childhood here so it'd only be fair if Illu gets the same lol, since we haven't seen his childhood at all in the anime. Thanks for the review! (P.S. you're my 100th review! That's so epic!)

Guest: To each its own bro.

Disclaimer in first chapter.

Chapter 38: Young Illumi Part 3

After the whole lair incident, and breaking his wrist in the process, Illumi went to his father to ask for a room change. Though he happened to run into his mother first and brought the subject matter up first with her.

Silva was passing by when he noticed his son having a serious conversation with Kikyo, that he curiously chimed in. "What's the matter?"

"Illu-chan wants to change his room. It's quite unexpected." Kiyo debriefed and Ilumi stood there staring at the ground.

"... Are you running away from something?" Silva turned to him, not expecting him to look up just yet. Illumi swallowed hard. He anticipated as much. He saw that response coming from miles away and he could probably see the ending too.

'Technically yes…' "Not really…"

"Is it the small passage-way in your room?"

The child finally looked straight into his dad's composed unwavering eyes. So, they were responsible for it. "So, you... did…" Illumi didn't even know why he bothered to ask when it was so obvious, but the words were out of his mouth before he knew it. Silva only raised a daring eyebrow at that.

'How was he supposed to talk back to that...?' But since it was training, he was dying to know how he did, but too afraid to ask.

"I'll... just stay in my room." Well, on the flip side he'll learn to face his fears. It was a win-win, right?

"If that's resolved then, I have a meeting to attend right now." His father walked past him without further words. "Oh and Illumi, you took too long." On second thought, he made one last remark before he left. The ravenette shut his eyes.

'Of course, he did.'

"Hey, Illu do you want—" Kikyo began but was rudely cut off.

"No." He answered, not interested and not caring anymore of what she had to offer. The child instead went to the shed to find some chains and a large lock.


It was nighttime and eight-year-old Illumi was in his room, sitting on floor sorting his weapons and refilling his utility belt. That's when he noticed something instantly grab his ankle from under the bed. Illumi's breath caught in his throat, reaching for one of his daggers and aiming it under the bed instantly. He may have been paranoid but something in the periphery of his vision shifted as well, causing him to shoot a dart behind him towards his desk.

Illumi huffed as he analyzed his surroundings once more, with nothing or no one in sight. He found broken pieces of furniture instead. 'Again.' It was all in his head, the paranoia. The child groaned and raked his hair, calming himself and loosening his expression. 'I need to ask the servants to get me a new desk now.' According to Illumi's perspective, this wasn't so bad. There was one time where he literally destroyed his room. His mother was nothing other than proud that time.

God this was going to drive him insane. Mentally. Ever since the whole planned out training session in his own personal cave a year ago, he'd been having these attacks more frequently. 'Che. How does one become immune to all this emotional baggage? He said he'd leave it all behind but why was that so hard?'

With an urge to vent, the child leaped out of his window in the dark of the night and traveled into the woods right in their vast backyard. Illumi began punching tree bark with his bare hands, everything catching up to him. The thin pale skin around his knuckles was peeling and cracking away before he knew it but felt nothing past the rage anymore.

By the time he was done, it was 4 A.M. He breathed in a refreshing, stabilizing cold drag of the chilly morning air around him while he shut his eyes briefly. It felt good, like he was resetting his system. After that he quietly walked back in, washing his hands under cold water and indifferently wrapping them up.


"Illumi I have a mission for you." Illumi was now ten years old when he was assigned another mission by his father.

The child nodded. "On it, just send me the details." He expressionlessly said.

"How's training going?" Illumi assumed he was asking about the one with his grandfather.

"Very well."

"So, I've been told."

"I'll be in my study if you need me." The kid bowed and excused himself. His father watching him silently as he left.

Illumi walked past the playroom and found his baby brother, Milluki, who was five years old at the time. Illumi admired him for a second. Milluki was always a cute, chubby one.

"Nii-chan!" The little boy tackled him happily upon noticing him.

"Milluki." Illumi acknowledged by patting his head in response. "What are you up to?" His voice was much gentler than it was five minutes ago.

"Breaking stuff." The kid beamed.

"What?" The elder looked past his shoulders to find a lot of broken technical equipment. He couldn't find the words to say to the other, not wanting to discourage him or encourage him too much… Oh well, as long as he wasn't hurting himself. To each their own, right?

"I'm rebuilding."

"Oh I see."

"I made you something too!" His elder brother raised a brow and was handed a tristar shuriken.

"You made this…?"

"Since you like throwing darts and stuff."

"I like it. Thanks." That earned a smile from Milluki. It was still hard to believe he had a sibling. He spent five years all by himself in this dark never-ending mansion, subjected to all kinds of treatment and was convinced it would stay that way forever. Though he wished he spent more time with him. The kid was already five years old. "Then, do you wanna see how well this works?"

Milluki looked up in awe. "You have time?"

"I can spare a few minutes."


Illumi had just turned twelve and by this point, all emotions had been wiped away from his face. He didn't need them. He learned it was so much easier to just not care. To not think or overthink anything and that it was much manageable to just keep going with the flow.

Silva and Kikyo already noticed the change but could care less as long as it didn't affect his work and maybe even pleased with him. If anything, Illumi was doing better than ever and progressing very excellently. Illumi, himself also noticed many of his psychotic episodes and hallucinations diminishing over time. So, he thought it was all for the better. It didn't take him long to embrace this new self of his. Or, more like, he didn't realize the exact moment he become so embedded in this new persona.

"Illumi the next client has an arduous task. They'd like us to assassinate an entire group of private investigators. What do you think?"

"…Who's the client that requested it?"

"The man I introduced you to at the convention last month." Silva told.

"Isn't he part of a powerful group? I think it'd be in our best favor to make him an ally." Illumi gave his two cents to which his father smiled in appreciation.

"I agree. Then how would you like to be the one to carry this out? It'll be challenging but not impossible."

"... I think I can." Illumi flatly answered

"In that case, when you're ready you should go and pack your things. Good luck."

The ravenette nodded like a little puppet and exited his father's room. Silva watched his son leave, reflecting on the mission. The team he was up against were much more experienced, perhaps he should contact Zeno to secretly tail behind, just incase—not that he doubted Illumi's abilities.

Illumi went to his room and packed the necessary equipment only. He changed into black jeans and a black T-shirt, stuffing his pocket with trackers, communicators and his wallet (the one with a fake identity). He filled his utility belt with needles, darts, necessary first aid, and playing cards—incase he got bored.

He stopped by Milluki's room to say his goodbyes, a gut feeling telling him this mission would be longer than a couple days.

"Hey Milluki, I'm leaving for a mission, but just wanted to give you this incase I miss your birthday." Illumi walked into the other's room and handed him an action figurine from one of Milluki's favorite show.

The seven-year-old was on his computer and blinked in surprise. "Wow, thanks nii-chan!"

"Are you studying?"

"No, just playing."

"Okay but pay attention to your studies as well."

"I know, I know. Do you want a cookie?"

Illumi only stared at him. Sometimes he felt lost in himself. Simple questions such as those would have him searching for answers. Searching for a genuine reason behind the yes or no. Yes, because they taste good or no, because he was full. However, he found nothing. All he felt was numbness. At this rate, he might as well just toss a coin, because whether he ate the cookie or not, he'd feel absolutely nothing. But then again, he already decided not to question anything too much.

"I'm fine." He finally answered.

"These are really good! Try one, you won't get another chance like this during your mission~" Milluki convinced.

"Okay, just one." Food all tasted the same anyways.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tonight."

"Then you have time. Lemme show you how this game works. It'll boost your reflexes and reaction time."

"Um…"

"Come on, sit." Milluki patted on the chair beside his table. Illumi was weak to perseverance and sat through it all until he was shoved the controller at one point and forced to play. Whether it was beginner's luck or keen observation skills, Illumi was a pro right off the bat and that made Milluki gawk in both amazement and jealousy. Not long after the younger decided to quit the game all together. Illumi took the chance to officially say goodbye and be on his way.

"Good luck nii-chan."

"Yeah, thanks." Illumi smiled without ever smiling. He was still grateful he spent some quality time with his only sibling before he left. "You too."


"And that's how I underestimated the mission which ended up taking three years instead of three weeks and came to find a small little white haired Kiru in mother's arms upon returning."

"Wooow..."

"Hm?"

"Only you'd be able to summarize twelve whole years in four paragraphs! What the hell?!" Killua was partially disappointed.

"That was quite a long story. I might need to drink something now."

"That wasn't long at all! You literally just listed what happened."

"What were you expecting Kiru. I wasn't telling you a story."

"Hmp." It might as well been. But no matter how short it was, the silverette was intrigued from the moment Illumi began his tale. "So, you came back when you were fifteen?" His older brother nodded in response. The same age Kiru was now. "That's one way to spend your growing years. Don't you think you wasted that precious time of your childhood."

"What precious time?"

'Righht, I forgot he became numb after that.' The silverette deadpanned to himself. "Wait then where did you get your current outfit from?" The teen asked instead, referring to Illumi's signature look.

"Oh while I was away during those three years, I was introduced to some unique tribal clothing and training. It's where I also first learned to better control my nen. However, I stored them away upon returning, until the hunter exam when I needed to disguise myself to tail you. Of course, I had grown tremendously by then, so I went back to get them remade." The ravenette elaborated.

"Ah," Killua processed that, the bit about the Hunter exam sticking out to him. 'Can't believe that feels like such a long time ago.'

"Am I off the hook?" Illumi wondered.

"Yeah…I guess, no wait! One last question—when did you meet Hisoka?"

"Hm… when I was fourteen…?"

"Wait what? You knew him before the Hunter exam?"

"Well, briefly. I wouldn't call him an acquaintance at that moment… while I was nearing the end of my long mission, looking for a means to escape, I ran into him."


Flashback:

Illumi disappeared into the woods. He had killed the fifth member of the group and managed to escape their security by killing off all the guards as well. Lucky for him, rich people loved living in secluded areas, with woods for backyards, so it made it easier to escape. At least he could relate to that. He was on his way when he saw a shadow flash in his periphery. The teen halted and prepared his needles. Perhaps one of the guards survived? He roamed his eyes at the old faded trees until a sight of vermillion came into view. 'What?' Not exactly what Illumi was anticipating when he saw a lanky teen, about his age, with bright reddish orange hair falling straight down over his eyes and ears, trudge towards him.

One minute he saw the figure standing in front of him, the next he saw a card flying directly at him, expanding in his view. Illumi automatically threw his needle, pinning the card somewhere to the ground, aiming another one towards the other teen. The redhead gave him a smile.

"No one younger than me has been able to deflect that. I don't think I've seen you before here." The redhead finally spoke, dragging out every word nice and slowly like he was the most chill person in the world. While he may look harmless, Illumi never stopped picking up a mysteriously dangerous vibe from him. If he had to make an analogy, he would think, like a beautiful colorful flower that looked attractive but was actually poisonous or a moth camouflaging as a butterfly.

Illumi didn't respond and instead charged forward. He wasn't interested in making friends. He needed to finish this mission and go back home. The redhead feigned surprise and side stepped to dodge his attacks. Noticing that Illumi kept reaching into his utility belt pockets, he spun around and sliced one of the side pockets off with a card, speechless to find a deck of cards erupt from the pocket. The teens stopped in their movements to stare at the card puddle beneath them. Intrigued, the redhead made no further attacks and raised his hands up in defeat.

"You're skilled. I don't want to fight you anymore—face it, we're matched. Wanna play a game instead?"

Illumi frowned suspiciously. "What?" he croaked.

"So, you can speak. I was beginning to fear you were mute." The other teen grinned. Illumi was still debating whether it was safe to turn his back. It didn't seem like the other teen recognized him as a Zoldyk and he wasn't wrong when he called them about evenly matched. It would only waste time to proceed further.

Illumi didn't see any obligations to answer and simply made a move to dash away, but before he took a full step, the grinning redhead was right in front of him, a few inches away from his face. The teen finally got a good look at his golden eyes past the long thin bangs that were staring directly at him with all seriousness and an undying desire to have his way.

"What do you want?" Illumi asked once more.

"Just a game."

'He must be really lonely, or really depraved.' The ravenette resolved. '…maybe that was something they had in common? Even though he was nothing like the carrot-head over here…he did feel a sense of familiarity…'

Without warning, the redhead took his wrist and harmlessly led him to the ground. "You got a name, my gloomy friend?"

"We're not friends."

"Well?"

"…"

"Fine, Nameless-san. You can call me Hisoka." He smiled ear to ear, with closed eyes. He took a seat across Illumi and gathered the cards with his hands. "Don't look at me like that, and don't try to kill me. I promise I'll set you free." He brought a card to his lips. "If you win."

Illumi was going to kill him.

To Be Continued…

Just for completeness, I added in Hisoka as well—like why not? I know there's this theory that they might have met before the Hunter exam, so I just indulged it. Whatever. I wish I could add more but that's all the brain cells I have right now lol.

Anyways, lets talk serious here: as you know this story's going to end soon and seeing all the effort, time and energy put into this, and how proud I am of it— I want it to have the best (most suitable) ending ever. Just to put things in perspective, I'm gonna give you a small spoiler that Illumi will be going away for a bit (a time lapse will occur when that happens, so Kiru will be older/taller). Now, after that, when he returns, there are two routes I've been thinking between. I don't know how much everyone will agree, so I really want to hear your opinion on this. 1: Continue their dynamic as uke Killua x seme Illumi or 2: Killua helps heal Illumi and be the one to love him fully, i.e. Seme Killua x uke Illumi. It sounds more drastic than it is, but I was planning to make the transition smoother for the second option.

For anyone who can't picture option 2 and think I hit my head, check out this fanart I made to portray that: "Illumi x Killua-older by Zerocooldemon" on deviantart.

So, lemme know…

As always thanks for reading! And Happy New Year~