A/N: This is kind of a housekeeping chapter—I was going to have more excitement at the end but then it would be too long and it would have to end at an awkward part, etc. So, here's 38.
Gone
Chapter 38: One Track Mind
March 14th, 2006
0921 Local
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
"Do you have his bag, Harm? And that outfit? The one your mom sent with the plane on it? And his hat?"
"I got them, Mac."
"What about diapers and his blanket? Are we missing anything?"
"I don't think—"
"Oh! His pacifier! We can't forget that!"
"It's in the front pocket, Mac."
"Which one?"
"There's only on pock—"
"No, I mean, which pacifier? The green or the blue one?"
"Does it matter?"
"Harm…we discussed it! The blue one goes better with his outfit."
"Oh, yeah…"
"Harm, were you even listening last night?"
"Huh?"
"I told you to put the diapers in the side pocket. They fit better!"
Harm did his best to hide his smile as his fiancée glared at him. She'd been a bit frantic all morning, not that he blamed her, but this Mac was definitely far removed from her marine past. He knew she would counter that she hadn't been a marine for years if she was aware of his thoughts; she never believed him when he told her he still saw much of the tough, disciplined woman she'd been as Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie in her.
Today, however, would be a day unlike any other.
Today, they would be bringing their son home.
Sure, it would only be home for a few more weeks, but for the first time, Harm would have his family all under one roof.
Harm and Mac had as yet not managed to get married. Their previous plans went by the wayside with Jace's early arrival, and since then, it had been many days spent at Jace's bedside, watching him grow, cheering with every milestone met, crying when there were any setbacks. The NICU staff had try to reassure the new parents that Jace was really doing very well and that his course was fairly routine, but each time they were told something "bad," they couldn't help their anxiety from overtaking them. First it had been his jaundice, requiring him to be under special lights, then it was his "apnea of prematurity" that frightened them, despite it being fairly short-lived, and finally it was the few days where it seemed he wasn't growing like he should.
Now, though, two weeks before what would have been his due date, he was ready join his parents.
"I'm sorry, Mac…I guess I forgot about the diapers. I'm sorry," he replied to her, using the loving, soothing voice that had served to calm her many nights over. She gave him a small smile, much to his relief, then stepped over to him to wrap her arms around his waist. He returned her embrace, resting his chin on her silky dark hair.
"Everything's going to be all right, Mac," he whispered as his large hand stroked up and down her back. He could almost feel a tremble in her and it made him pull her in tighter against him, wanting to share his strength with her. It wasn't that he wasn't nervous and excited as well; he just knew that at this moment, he needed to be the 'strong' one. "Everything's going to be all right," he repeated, and she nodded against him.
"I know…I'm just…" He felt her shrug in his arms.
"I know, Mac. Me too." Harm held her for a while longer, then pulled away so he could look her in the eye. "But it's going to be great, honey. I know that too." He flashed his flyboy grin at her. "Okay, are you ready to go get our son?"
Mac smiled back. "I am, Harm. Let's go." The two of them slipped on their coats, Harm helping Mac into hers, and then they headed for the door…until an exclamation from Mac made him actually jump.
"Oh my god, Harm! The car seat! We can't go—"
"Sweetheart…it's in the car. You helped me put it in last night."
"Oh…right. I'm sorry, Harm."
Harm led Mac out into the hall, putting his arm around her once he had the apartment locked up. "Mac, baby, it's okay. Shh. I'm nervous too. But we're going to be fine, I promise…and you know I nev—"
"You never make a promise you don't intend to keep."
"That's right. Now, let's go get our boy."
March 29th, 2006
1721 Local
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
It was an irritated Harm that arrived at his apartment two weeks later. Forgetting he wasn't alone, he slammed the door behind him, only to hear the wail of his tiny son follow shortly thereafter. Harm cringed inwardly; no doubt Mac had been in the process of putting Jace down for a nap and he'd just ruined it.
"Harm?" Mac stepped out of the bedroom area, Jace held against her chest. The baby was still crying and Harm felt terrible, especially when he saw the fatigue in Mac's eyes. A glance downward toward her feet confirmed his suspicion that Nic was also there, glaring at him.
"Oh, Mac…I'm so sorry. I didn't realize…" Harm's shoulders slumped and he flashed Mac a rueful half-smile. "Sorry, Mac."
"It's okay," she answered wearily. Harm slipped off his coat and stepped over to Mac after draping it across the back of a chair.
"Here, give him to me. You go lie down for a while, okay?"
Mac hesitated a moment, then shook her head. "No, you go change first. Then, he's all yours…but before there are any naps to be had, you're going to tell me what's got you all bothered."
"Fine," Harm agreed, giving her a brief kiss before heading up the stairs to their bedroom. "But then it's off to bed with you. You're supposed to nap when he does."
Mac actually chuckled at that. "That would only work if he'd actually nap."
"I'm sorry, Mac. I know it's been rough these last couple of nights."
"Yeah, don't mind me…still wouldn't trade this for anything," she replied sincerely, and Harm smiled to himself.
Jace had generally been waking up about twice a night to nurse, but for the last couple, he wouldn't seem to sleep for more than an hour, and then often only if one of them were holding him…and usually he wanted it to be Mac. Napping wasn't happening either, apparently. Harm wondered to himself if the general would let him have tomorrow off to give Mac a break.
Probably not, he thought ruefully. Not when his retirement was going to happen in less than two weeks.
He only hoped they wouldn't revoke it given what had happened today. He was ready to be done. More than ready. He'd already reached out to various emergency service providers near Whitefish and he was confident he could get a job as a pilot, his loft was already up for sale, he'd arranged for movers and for a storage unit to put most of his things into until their new house was built, and he had hired someone to drive his Lexus across the country while pulling his 'vette behind it. He and Mac would fly with Jace in the corporate jet Frank had arranged for them, and he couldn't wait until he set foot on Montana soil.
Unfortunately, he'd underestimated the lengths the navy would go to keep him now. Oh, sure…right now it was "completely" up to him…but things often changed. With a sigh, Harm pulled a sweatshirt over his head and went to relieve Mac. He was not looking forward to telling Mac about today's generous "offer" from his current employer.
"So, Harm…what's got you so unsettled?" Mac asked as she sat down on the couch after handing off Jace to Harm. Somewhat to her chagrin, the little baby had immediately calmed and was already halfway to being asleep as Harm gently rocked him in his arms.
"I thought you were going to take a nap." He wouldn't look her in the eye during this obvious attempt at changing the subject, and Mac didn't know whether to be hurt or irritated.
"Harm…"
Harm sighed, his shoulders slumping a bit. "Sorry, Mac."
"It's okay…just tell me what's going on."
Here goes nothing, Harm thought as he sat down next to Mac. He had to dodge Nic as the cat had been circling his feet once he had Jace in his arms. The cat seemed to be quite protective of his baby 'brother', which Mac found sweet and Harm saw as another reason for Nic to want to eliminate him. Mac, of course, had laughed long and loud when he'd told her that and then had laughed even harder when he told her she'd be sorry someday for not heeding his warning. Nic had now leapt onto Mac's lap, and once the animal was settled, Harm spoke, "They offered me another billet."
Mac's eyes widened a bit but otherwise her expression didn't change. "Okay…"
"And a promotion…"
"Oh."
"Just 'oh'?" Harm adjusted the sleeping Jace in his arms as he raised an eyebrow at her.
Mac shrugged. "I guess I don't know what to say."
The two sat in a rather uncomfortable silence for several heartbeats, Harm wondering with increasing concern what Mac was thinking. He opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to find the right thing to say before finally blurting out, "I'm not going to take it, Mac."
"But—"
"No…I've made a commitment to you and Jace to go to Montana. And a commitment to myself too.
Mac went silent again, and when he looked over at her, he saw she had her head down, eyes apparently focused on her hands in her lap. He waited a little longer until it was clear she wasn't going to talk.
"Mac, honey, say something…talk to me." He reached a hand out to her, brushing the hair that blocked most of her face from him behind her ear before taking her hand in his.
"Where, um, where is it…the new assignment?" she asked tentatively.
"London. I'd be Force Judge Advocate, Naval Forces Europe. It's an O6 billet," he added unnecessarily.
"Ah…Captain Rabb. It sounds good."
Harm shrugged. "It doesn't matter." And it didn't. Not to him, anyway.
"Well…I should get supper started. How does vegetarian chili sound?" Mac stood up from the couch and stretched a little, then headed toward the kitchen without waiting for his answer. Harm watched her attempt to stifle a yawn and he called out to her, but he must have been speaking too softly, for she didn't acknowledge him. Right. The woman's hearing was damn near miraculous. With a sigh, he stood up from the couch as well, then moved to lay Jace down in his bassinet. The baby stayed asleep to his relief and then he went to talk to Mac.
"Mac, sweetheart, let me do this," Harm said as he came up behind her and took the jar of frozen chili from her hands. "You go lie down for a bit, okay?"
"I'm fine, Harm."
"Then humor me and at least go sit down and relax. I got this," he said as he motioned around the kitchen.
"Harm, it's no big—" she started to protest, but then she shrugged and nodded. "Fine…"
"Thank you. I'll call you when it's ready."
Mac nodded again and quietly stepped away. Harm watched her retreating back, a sense of unease settling upon him.
Just what are you thinking, Mac?
Mac turned on the shower, letting it warm for a time before she stepped in. She let the water cascade over her aching shoulders and back for several minutes, hoping the massaging jets would ease the tension in her body, but it became rapidly clear that she would not find relief.
Sure, she was tired; Jace had kept them both up for the last couple of nights, but she knew she was bothered by more than that.
Harm's news had thrown her. She'd accepted his decision to retire and come to Montana, but surely the prospect of being promoted to captain and being offered such a prestigious position had to be swaying him, because what did Montana really have to offer him?
Harm was born to be a naval officer; it was practically written in the stars that he would go all the way…until she came along. He had given up so much for her, including his career. He'd thrown it all away to save her in Paraguay, and now he was going to do it again all because he'd made a "commitment" to her. He had to know this was a stepping-stone to being the JAG one day. Could he really give that up?
Could she let him?
The water continued to flow over her as she buried her face in her hands and cried.
"I think you should take it."
Harm looked up from the book he was reading to see a bathrobe-clad Mac leaning against the door frame of the bathroom. He'd enclosed the space several months ago, thinking Mac would prefer more privacy, though at the time there'd been no indication that she'd ever actually visit him here. He supposed potential buyers would appreciate it too; he'd thought about putting in a tub as well, but in the end, he'd decided that he really, really liked his shower. He rather hoped Mac would be ready to make love again soon. He'd had countless fantasies over the years about taking her up against the shower wall while the water trailed over them, her legs wrapped around his waist as he thrust into her. He nearly blushed at the thought, but another look at Mac's serious face chased it away.
"What did you say, Mac?" he asked, setting his book aside without bothering to mark his page.
"You should take it. The promotion. The job."
"But I—"
"Harm, you don't owe me anything…passing up this promotion…this command…I don't think I can let you do that, Harm. Not for me."
"I'm not doing it just for you, Mac. Jace—"
"Will be fine wherever he is."
"Yes, but Mac, you—"
"I'm a big girl, Harm. I can handle it."
Then why is the light going out of your eyes again, Mac? Harm thought to himself. Out loud, he said, "Mac, I'm not taking it. They wouldn't take 'no' for an answer today, but tomorrow I'm going to turn it down."
"Harm…"
"Mac, Jace is going to be up again in a couple of hours, if we're lucky, so let's try to get some sleep. We can talk about it more in the morning, but I'm not going to change my mind."
"Okay, Harm," Mac said after a moment of deliberation. She lowered herself in the bed, but instead of curling up next to him as she usually did, she stayed on her back. After several seconds, Harm, knowing he was taking a big risk, rolled onto his side and scooted closer to his fiancée, reaching across her lithe body to grasp her hand. He tugged on it, felt her resistance, but a whisper of her name finally got her to come to him. He opened his legs for her and she slipped one of hers in between, resting her forehead on his chest for a minute before snuggling in. She still felt a bit stiff in his arms, however, and he could have sworn he felt a certain wetness when her cheek touched his skin. His mouth opened to speak, but then her body went limp, and he knew she was asleep. He fought it for a moment, but then he too joined her in slumber.
March 30th, 2006
0731 Local
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
It had been a good night. Jace had slept a good four hours at a stretch and Mac had awakened fairly refreshed. Something, however, was bothering her, though she couldn't remember what it could be. After a moment, she mentally shrugged and sat herself up, stretching to work out a few kinks in her back and shoulders before throwing back the covers and sliding herself out. She heard the shower running and she briefly considered joining Harm, but then remembered she hadn't been given the all-clear from her doctor yet. She had her postpartum appointment in a couple of weeks, the original appointment having been rescheduled, and she supposed she should wait for that.
Then again, she felt just fine…
She was just about to shuck her tank top and shorts when she caught a glimpse of Harm's uniform hanging on the closet door. Suddenly, everything from last night came back to her…
Harm was being promoted. Harm was to be transferred to London…or he would be if he weren't planning to turn the assignment down.
She couldn't let him do that, she decided. He couldn't give up so much just because she wanted to go back to Montana. He couldn't give all that up because he felt obligated to her. So, what could she do? It didn't appear that she alone would be successful in getting him to change his mind, but she wasn't willing to let it go and give him cause to resent her. And he would resent her. How could he not?
Mac sat down on the foot of the bed, vaguely aware that the shower had stopped. She was lost in thought when Harm emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, towel around his waist, and his "morning, sweetheart" caused her to jump a little.
"Sorry, hon." Harm bent to give her a quick kiss, then went about readying himself for work. Mac watched him as he dressed in his blues, admiring his form as he donned her favorite uniform. He looked so right in it, so handsome, that she couldn't imagine a world without Harmon Rabb, Jr. in the navy.
"You still look tired, sweetie," Harm commented, and Mac shrugged.
"I think that's going to be the norm until Jace sleeps through the night."
"I have a feeling it'll get better once we get to Montana—the fresh air, the quiet…"
"Harm…"
"Honey, I gotta get going, but I'm going to try to secure early. Call if you need anything, and listen, I know it's not that fun being stuck here all day, so let's try to get out this weekend, okay? I'm taking the 'vette so you'll have the Lexus if you guys want to do anything. Bye, sweetheart. Give Jace a kiss from me when he wakes up."
Harm gave her another peck on the lips and a moment later Mac heard the apartment door open and shut, leaving her alone with her sleeping son. For several long moments, she remained motionless on the bed, rather dazed by Harm's whirlwind departure. He clearly didn't want to talk about his promotion and transfer, but Mac knew ignoring it wouldn't help. No matter how much she wanted to go back to her home in Whitefish, she couldn't let Harm sacrifice anything else for her. Unfortunately, Harm would surely pick up on her sadness; he likely already had, so who could she get to convince him not to throw this opportunity away?
Ah, of course…
Mac glanced at Jace in his bassinet and, figuring she had about fifteen minutes before her son would awaken and demand his breakfast, she quickly rose and grabbed the cordless phone. She dialed a number from memory, surprising herself that she remembered it at all after so many years, and waited for him to pick up.
"Hello…Admiral?
End Chapter 38
