Disclaimer
I own nothing but what I write. All intellectual properties belong to their respective owners, that is Oomori Fujino owns Dungeon ni Deai o Motomeru no wa Machigatte Iru Darou and Fate Grand Order is owned by Type-Moon, Delightworks and Sony.
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AN: Oh wow! The last chapter garnered some rather tough reactions. Ok so let me put this in perspective. The story is crack! It was never meant to be serious from chapter 1 onwards. I mean I would've thought alien abductions should've clued anyone in to that. Secondly, depending on which version of the story you read Enkidu may or may not hate Ishtar. Some versions have him knowing he would die by her hands simply to put the fear of death into Gilgamesh so that he would turn around and become the great ruler of Uruk he was destined to be. Even then in FGO with the ability to resummon heroic spirits, even death becomes a bit meh. On top of that if I really had to factor in for every hate/vendetta in FGO or mythology, half of Chaldea would be at war with itself. Also Archer Ishtar is actually a pseudo spirit summoned into the body of Rin Tohsaka so while the same as Ishtar they are still not the same. Last chapter was more a chance to show why someone would bother going after someone who obviously hates them. All in all this fic was not meant to be taken seriously and just for laughs.
DungeonMaster:- 'Fou' 'Kyu' I suppose I'll leave it for now at 'Fou' for the 'Fou Kyu' joke but you don't really get to chat much in FGO the game with Fou unless you're in an arc but thanks for the refresher. Fou/Fido and Nursery Rhyme are going to play havoc in the twilight manor and drive Loki up the wall. It will be glorious!
ShadoWarmadaN and PittBullBytes:- There will be more on the unholy alliance. Trust me, it will not be wasted.
Phantom Thief of Hearts:- I love you! Thank you! I'd forgotten that that was what Fou always said and the Fou Kyu reference! LOL and yes, I'm glad most people realise it's a crackfic and not anything or anywhere near canon. It's supposed to be pretty messed up. Yeah I can already imagine all the headlines and Freyas reaction. It will be glorious! As a side note Hassan of the Serenity was supposed to be so poisonous that even touching her skin is lethal that's why she falls in love with her master so easily as he/she in the game is the only one who can touch her freely so sex is back on the table, if she could ever swing it, after all she's never been touched before ie virgin. That was the side effect I wanted to give Bell for future use in the story. Finally, just in case I updated my story description just so that people know it's crack.
Onishin Tsukitenshi:- LOL. I'll see what I can do to make it happen.
AlolanGallade and Shirosaki Kizuro:- Yes that would be what it would be like if he finally realised Ishtar is just a massive 'M'. He could never stop treating her poorly so she can't stop falling for him. Viscious cycle.
Horishion:- Yeah, but with that Myth, it could get extremely serious too quickly so I'm going through the different versions to see which would be the best to use.
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Please read & review as I appreciate any comments made
Fate Grand Disorder
Chapter 33 - Standoff
Finn had woken early that day and made sure Illyasviel had gotten a good breakfast before he escorted her back to Hestia familia. He had heard at the table that the night before a strange boy had invaded the compound, also looking for a pet dog named Fou so he could only come to the conclusion that it was Hestia familia again. Unfortunately once Tiona had been distracted, the boy had managed to free himself and escape, so it was never confirmed.
This day, Finn had decided to take Tione and Tiona along with him to the Hestia compound. Both had surprisingly been more than happy to join him. Loki however, took a lot more encouragement and a lecture before she unwillingly came along. He needed his goddess and Hestia to make peace because right now, he intended to ask them for help.
When they had finally arrived at the compound, Archer Shirou was already standing out the front waiting to greet them. Illyasviel let go of Finn's hand and raced towards her big brother and leaped into his arms. "Onii-chan!" she squealed happily as he spun her around.
Placing his hand on her head, Shirou smiled at Illyasviel, "I was worried about you. Where have you been? Are you ok?"
"I'm ok onii-chan. Loki familia has been looking after me." She flashed him a disarming smile.
"Yo Archer!" Loki waved her hand at him, "Is the chibi around. We came to say hi."
Finn shook his head and sighed. "Greetings Archer. We have come to see lady Hestia if it is at all possible. We have business with her."
Shirou looked the crowd over and especially at the twin amazons behind the pallum. The one in yellow seemed to be peering intently around the compound as if searching for something. Shirou could feel no ill intentions from them so he gestured to them. "Please, follow me."
He led them to a large tent and led them inside, to the sight of Hestia sitting behind a large table doing work on what looked like her Hpad, but it was bigger and attached to a flat device she was tapping away on. Loki familia didn't know it, but it was her new laptop, a gift from her children. Hestia looked up and when she saw Loki the first thing out of her mouth was, "What do you want, pancakes?"
"What was that you…" but Loki was interrupted by a slap to the back of her head from Finn and a harsh glare. "I mean, Hi Hestia… It's so nice to see you again."
Hestia's eyes traveled over the Loki familia members suspiciously. She looked at Shirou who merely sighed and shrugged his shoulders. Sagging a little, Hestia relented, "Fine… Just sit down wherever." She gestured to the various cushions and throw pillows strewn across the floor.
As they all found seats, Shirou was the first to speak up. "I thank you for looking after my little sister but I must ask, what and how did this happen?"
Finn was the one who answered. "She got lost in our manor looking for her pet… 'Fou', so I helped her search for him. It was getting late so I thought it better for her to stay the night rather than go home in the dark by herself."
That was logical and harmless enough. Illaysviel bubbled, "Finn onii-chan was really nice helping me. He let me sleep in his bed while he did 'adult stuff'. He was really gentle and kind to me."
Finn felt the cold touch of death on his forehead as a flaming arrow of some sort was touching the point between his eyes. Behind it was Shirou holding a bow with the said arrow loaded and ready to fire. He could feel the power and wrath emanating from the man and he was certain if that missile was fired, his head would be little more than a smear. "You have one minute to explain before I paint the walls in your blood." Shirou threatened.
Tione was moving almost instinctively, her eyes burned hellfire red as she gnashed her teeth. "You dare…". Twin daggers were held at Shirou's throat by the enraged amazon.
The sound of fingers clicking saw a little boy with golden hair and a pair of furious eyes glaring at Finn as chains wrapped around Finn and swords appeared at his throat. Kid Gil fought to hold back his anger, "No… You have thirty seconds to explain what you did to my fiancé."
"Fiance?" Tiona gasped as she recognised the boy. She pointed at Illyasviel and stuttered, "Y…y…your… fiancé?" She should have pointed with anything but her Urga as suddenly she felt a weight on her back.
Assassin Jack the Ripper had locked herself onto Tiona's back with her tiny arms and legs. No one had even seen her come in but they all noticed the twin gleaming daggers sawing lightly at Tiona's throat, Jack's eyes, cold and dark. "What are you doing to Illya-chan?"
Two childish faces stared into the tent from the flap of the door as a rustle found another newcomer in the room. Saber Artoria Alter stood behind Tione, leaning her chest onto Tione's back as an obsidian blade was held at the amazon's throat. "I would suggest you think carefully about your next action." The hint of steel in her voice. "I don't take kindly to those who would threaten MY Shirou."
"I'm not your fiancé!" Illyasviel pouted. "I'm going to marry onii-chan when I grow up."
"You dare…" Kid Gil gritted as he fought back the strange feelings in his chest. "I'll have you, Illyasviel… take responsibility… for your… 'transgressions' on my… body." He was fully blushing now.
Loki and Hestia didn't know what to do as the smell of imminent violence permeated the tent. Finally, Shirou's voice snapped everyone out of their furor. "You have ten seconds left."
Hurriedly Finn blurted out everything in one breath, "It was late, I let Illyasviel sleep in my bed, I slept on the couch, the adult stuff was paperwork, I didn't touch her, we fed her breakfast then took her home."
Shirou glanced over to Hestia who snapped back to reality. "H… He's telling the truth."
Shirou lowered his bow, still eyeing Finn angrily as he dismissed it into motes of prana. The rest of Hestia familia did the same and backed away behind Shirou as Loki familia stared on at the casual display of power. Although angry, they felt beads of sweat roll down their foreheads as they realised they were in a hornet's nest, Hestia's seat of power, they were outnumbered and outgunned.
Not sensing the atmosphere, Illyasviel hopped over to Shirou and hugged his waist poking her tongue out to Kid Gil. "I'm Shirou's fiancé not yours."
Shirou snapped out of reverie and patted her head. "Now, now Illya. You know I can't marry you. I'm your brother."
"That's right," Kid Gil readily agreed.
Shirou pushed the girl in the back, back out towards the tent flap. "Now why don't you and Archer go out and play together."
"Archer? Aren't you Archer?" Tiona asked before anyone could stop her.
Shirou cocked his head. "Archer Emiya Shirou." He pointed to himself then pointed to Kid Gil, "Archer Kid Gil."
"Archer Kid Gil…" Tiona giggled to herself, "What a sexy name."
Shirou raised an eyebrow to this. He was sure there was probably a story behind it. "You know…" Loki broke the silence, "you have a pretty messed up familia."
"What's messed up is your amazon staring at my child like he's a piece of meat. I'm pretty sure that's illegal you know." Hestia snapped back.
"No it isn't. I don't think there's a law against it…" Loki thought about it. She didn't get to say anymore as Finn pinched the back of her hand telling her to shut up.
"Well, it's unethical!" Hestia held her head in her hands. Yet another law change she would have to maneuver for, as Da Vinci liked to put it. Yet another meeting with her captain she would have to make to set things in motion.
Finn finally spoke again now the moment of near-death was over. "I apologize for the misunderstanding goddess Hestia. We did not come today to provoke trouble." He bowed deeply, "I humbly apologize."
Hestia had already started getting used to this treatment. It seemed everyone had stopped seeing her as harmless and had started tiptoeing around her. Apologies, compliments and empty platitudes were becoming the norm for her. She kind of missed the days when she could truly tell what each god truly thought of her. Waving Finn upright she glared at Loki, "So. What is it? What is so important you came all the way out here to see me?"
Loki put on the friendliest grin she could muster. "Can't I just come out here to meet a friend."
"We were never friends flatty."
Loki bit back her retort. "Colleagues then."
Hestia inhaled sharply calming herself down. "Spit it out. We're busy here so times-a-money!"
Finn nodded as he motioned his goddess to stay silent. "We are preparing another dungeon expedition and we would like to request the aid of Archer… Shirou was it?"
Shirou nodded. Hestia frowned, "He's level one. You want to take a level one on a deep dungeon dive? That's insane."
"Is he really level one?" Loki turned towards Shirou. "You're not hiding levels are you Archer?"
"I'm level one." Simple, direct and Loki knew, it was the truth.
Finn glared at his goddess before continued. "The last time we met, Archer Shirou was able to perfectly or near-perfectly replicate all our weapons in an instant. A unique ability I'm sure. But one that would really help our chances in an expedition." He turned to face Shirou, "And from his performance attacking the Virgas with nothing more than frypans, I think he would be fine in the deep dungeon."
Shirou scratched his chin thinking about it when Illyasviel stormed back into the room and started shaking his sleeve. "Please help him onii-chan. Finn onii-chan has been really nice to me and he helped me a lot trying to find Fou. It would be really nice for us to help him back don't you agree?"
Finn smiled. He was glad he had some support even if it came from an unexpected source and judging by Shirou's reaction she held a lot of influence over her brother.
"Finn onii-chan can't help it if his familia is weak or that it's full of weaklings. He can't help it if they'll all die or come back broken if you don't help them. Isn't this what you said we should do? Help the weak?" Illyasviel eyes watered pleadingly at her big brother.
Loki and Finn felt the stab of several imaginary arrows through their hearts at each word. They needed Archer's aid at the moment so they could only sit there and take it as their hearts bled imaginary blood. Hestia stifled a laugh, then a giggle, then a chuckle before she burst out laughing. "You really are the best Illya!" as she slapped her hands on the table in mirth.
The Loki familia turned the colour of tomatoes and would not and could not, say anything back. Thus is the price when asking for help. Shirou sighed. "I guess I really should save the weak."
Hestia turned to Loki. "Fine. If Archer wants to do it, I'll allow it. But…" she paused dramatically, "what's in it for us?"
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Now please review or make any comments or even ideas on more craziness that I could add. I'd appreciate it.
