Hurricane

Joey Sharkbait

2020

[Soundtrack: "Hurricane" by I Prevail]

I finally focused on my injuries, refusing until the absolute last minute to acknowledge them and how I got them. Just more inner demons for me to constantly battle, a battle I could never win with a weapon or brute force. Demons that would continue to chase me for the rest of my life. They finally caught me. I was in no shape to physically run and there was nothing to distract me currently. Just me. Just me and my brutal truth.

This was the first time in over a week that I had been entirely alone. Sure, I'd wake up often at night and be unable to go back to sleep but Kagura was still there, even if she was asleep. She was currently at the campsite, only about thirty paces away, preparing our meal for the evening. She refused to let me out of her sight and I had to beg her for this opportunity. It wasn't something I looked forward to but it was something that had to be done.

It had now been nearly a week since we left the barren remains of Naraku's castle. We were getting close to Kaede's village. I recognized some landmark. Anticipated arrival would be tomorrow or the next day. Alas, we stopped traveling tonight, as we were both tired.

I carefully lifted my left arm out of the sling. I held my arm out above my head in a gentle stretch. I then untied the obi of my kimono and shrugged the fabric off my shoulders, my broken arm giving me a little difficulty in completing the act. I kneeled next to the water's edge and looked at my reflection.

I wouldn't have recognized myself. I could tell I had lost weight during my detainment, particularly in my face. I now had dark circles under my eyes and remnants of a purple and yellow bruise still graced the right side of my face, covering most of my temple and spilling onto my cheek. A cut was still healing above my left eye, a few smaller scratches underneath it. Faint bruises and cuts adorned my shoulders and chest, an especially dark and nasty bruise covered the left side of my collarbone. Still healing, though…

The thing that haunted me the most in my reflection was my eyes. They changed. I felt like the person I was looking at was the exact opposite of everything I had ever aspired to be. This was no warrior, no protector, no guardian… this person was weak, damaged, beaten, broken…

Just who the hell did I think I was? Memories of my life prior to my capture, prior to this whole ordeal with the Shikon Jewel and Naraku, seemed like imagination. I fell so deep into my thoughts and I could see myself in third person as I trained vigorously and killed my first demon, succeeded in my first solo battle, bowing before my father the day I had earned my status as a real demon slayer and not just a trainee, not just a child, not just a woman. I watched my own memories and felt so disconnected from who I once was.

My right hand formed a fist and I threw a punch at my reflection, the image disappearing in ripples that traveled across the small spring. I gently unwrapped the bandages from my arms. I held my hands in front of my face and looked at them. My left hand was fine but the arm was still very much broken, despite Kagura's medicine and magic expediting the healing process. The fifth knuckle on my right hand was now bent at an unnatural angle from a somewhat recent fracture, in addition to various scrapes that were finally beginning to heal.

With difficulty stemming from my injured hip, I slid into the spring, tensing initially as I felt the hot water envelope my broken body. Luckily it wasn't very deep at all. I could support myself with my good arm and the water provided enough resistance so that I didn't have to worry about losing my footing, seeing as I still couldn't walk on my own on land. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth at that realization.

I am useless.

Kagura had carried me for most of our journey so far. I was thankful but I hated it. I felt like a burden. Fortunately, we hadn't run into anything too dangerous yet, whether it be demon or general wildlife. We still didn't dare utilize her feather for fear of attracting some unwanted attention. Our escape was too easy in retrospect. Traveling on foot was rough but it was the best choice.

I exhaled and looked up into the sky. A sea of stars above me, surrounded by treetops. If I could really wish on a star, I would take it all back. I would go back in time and prevent this whole tragedy from happening. I would have slain the demon in disguise at the lord's castle and prevented the slaughter of my people. I would have killed Naraku right then and there and shared the glory with my brothers and sisters in arms. I would have made my father proud and actually earned the right to my own name and my status. I would have made my mother smile down on me from the heavens and celebrated the victory of Kohaku's first demon hunt with him and our remaining family.

That would never happen.

A breeze grounded me back to the present and I looked around, expecting Kagura. No one was there. Still just me and my demons. I brought my gaze down and noticed how clear the water was. I could see the rocks at my feet, see how blue the water appeared to be, the illusory color born of both the gray of the waterbed and the blue sky above. I could also see the damage on my body, bruises and cuts that I did not want to acknowledge. I crossed my arms over my chest and let my hands rest on my shoulders. I allowed my hands to travel slightly lower to my breasts and shivered at my own touch. I sat with the feeling for a moment, allowing myself to process the trauma there.

My fingertips brushed further down my abdomen, grazing my fractured ribs that hadn't quite healed yet before resting on my hips. I cringed at the pain swelling on my right hip and thigh, the bruise no doubt indicating another fracture or break. I rested my hands on my thighs and took a deep breath, holding back tears. I slipped my hand between my legs and held myself for a moment, completely repulsed by my own touch. I finally let the tears fall.

I was raped.

It hit me like a hurricane. The truth I did not want to speak. Not once until now had I even let that sentence form coherently in my mind. Even though this last time certainly wasn't the first time he had used me. I had absolutely refused to voice those words or even think them. I fought that truth like I fought him every time. I had finally lost. The confession hit me like a tidal wave, pulling me under, into the depths of one of my worst fears and the only one I had previously not lived through.

I had grown up around men who were honorable, who were warriors, who were family. All the same, my father had still warned me that some men were to be treated with caution and one of the reasons I was raised to become such a skilled fighter was so I could defend myself against any potentially predatory males. I knew of girls and women from my village who had been raped by bandits, raiders, and other unsavory characters. They were never the same. It had happened to my childhood best friend's older sister. She went from being one of the most capable and intimidating members of our clan to a neurotic mess who was almost afraid of her shadow. Unfortunately, the trauma had ultimately cost her life, as she had ended it. Jou never got to avenge her and he died a bitter person in the same fight that had claimed my father's life.

I stood in the water and cried, wrapping my arms protectively around myself, somewhat mindful of my injuries. I could deal with my previous demons. The real ones and the ones from my past. The memories of my family and friends being murdered by my innocent little brother could easily be converted into fuel for my rage, the terrible thirst for vengeance that kept me running most days. That bitterness tainting my soul had a purpose. This new demon of mine, born of my displaced innocence, was a problem I could not find a solution for. Its existence did nothing for me but provide a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough. Fast enough.

Naraku's words during my latest ordeal replayed over and over in my head, as cold as he said it before I lost consciousness for days: "You're nothing now. You have nothing left to offer. You're as dead inside as your puppet brother and your father's rotting bones. You couldn't save them and you can't even save yourself. You're weak. And you're afraid of me. But that's ok because the weak are supposed to fear the stronger ones who dominate them, have power over them. Sango, keep in mind that every time you see those scars all over your body, you will always be reminded of me. Reminded that you failed. You're nothing more than a weak human girl and a poorly trained demon slayer. You have no honor left."

I sobbed loudly and then held my breath as I submerged myself under the water. I stayed under for what felt like forever and mere seconds, until I could no longer hold my breath. I surfaced, gasping for air and made my way clumsily over to the water's edge where I had left our soap. Crying, I began cleaning myself, attempting to scrub away the kind of filth that would never truly leave me.

I hadn't realized I had rubbed some of my skin raw on my thighs and lower stomach until I left the spring and began drying myself off. Just… fucking- fuck it. I caught a glimpse of my reflection as I sat by the spring. My image seemed to be mocking me. I caught sight of a rock within reaching distance and threw it angrily into the water, shattering my taunting reflection, this image of what could be me. I held my towel against my body and leaned forward, gritting my teeth and closing my eyes tightly.

I was raped.

That goddamn sentence wouldn't leave my train of thought. I had acknowledged the demon's presence and I knew from then on, it would haunt me equally or more than the collective grief I carried around every day from all my dead relatives and friends. I had been fighting off this growing discomfort that had come into existence my third night in captivity. This rift growing in my soul, splitting me into fragments of my former self. I had gone from the last of my kind—a long line of respected warriors—hellbent on revenge, to a prisoner of war, stripped of everything from my rank to my honor. I no longer deserved to carry the title of 'taijiya', 'demon slayer', 'warrior' even.

What could I have been? If not for Naraku and the curse of the Shikon Jewel, by now I would have been well on my way to taking over as the head of our village, despite being female. I would have likely been married, or at least betrothed, to an equally capable warrior. Jou came to mind, my best friend growing up. Maybe there was something there. I chose not to remember. Then I thought of Miroku…

Would he even want me anymore? Not likely… I was tainted now, used. While Miroku had a reputation for being a lecherous person, he had no foul intentions with anything he ever did or said. And he was still a man of faith. I simply did not deserve him at this point. And even if he would have me, I was unsure if I could ever have him. I couldn't bear my own touch; I couldn't handle being stuck in my own skin. I'll never be the same…

And then what of Kagura? What kind of mess had we gotten into together? I was so confused… On top of all the damage I'd taken physically, my feelings for the wind sorceress went unaddressed for the most part, and also pulled my broken heart in different directions. We shared trauma. She was born into servitude and abuse; I was forced into it. (Because I wasn't strong enough…). She healed my wounds and tended to my injuries when I was left for dead by our captor. She went out of her way to help me and while initially she had an ulterior motive of escaping Naraku's clutches once and for all, my strength and capability in battle was what had piqued her interest in helping me at all; she knew I could deal with and deal out real damage and destruction.

I couldn't stand her at first, from the first time I had battled against her with that damn golem Naraku while she played dolls with the dead wolf demon tribesmen. I wanted to knock her out of the sky every time I saw her fly away with Kohaku on that feather. I never knew what she thought of me, of my friends. I never cared. I had no idea she held an unspoken respect for us, born of our mutual desire to destroy Naraku. She wanted her freedom, and really, so did we. Freedom from the curse of the jewel.

After I had become Naraku's prisoner, we had bonded over our shared desire for freedom, on a deeper level. I empathized with her, especially after she disclosed that before my abduction, she was often the object of Naraku's twisted desires and the focal point of his misplaced aggression.

She had never known kindness. She had never known friendship. No one ever really cared for her. No one ever really loved her. She still had not admitted it, but I know she put up the hardened exterior as an act to cover up the pain of being alone and unwanted. She longed for companionship. It wasn't hard to figure out when she began spending her time with me even without orders from Naraku.

What did I feel for her? What were we? I know we were friends at this point. More than friends… I thought of all the stolen glances and secret smiles, the blushes from accidental touches. I remembered the first time she kissed me under the most beautiful sunset I'd ever seen. I could feel my heartrate speed up as I remembered having sex with her the night after. I had never been with anyone before, short of Naraku forcing himself on me. I didn't want to count that and I would still reject the very idea of it. I had given myself to Kagura, willingly. And she gave herself to me, also having had no real experience. Sex had been used as a punishment to her until that very moment.

I didn't even know such a thing was possible between two people of the same sex until then. I had never even entertained the idea of being attracted romantically and sexually to another female, although I'd be the first to admit that I was never exactly 'boy crazy' growing up, either. I recognized I had a small crush on Jou growing up, I knew I had fallen for Miroku to some degree during our travels. What I now felt for Kagura was comparable. But why, though? Why me? And why her?

I was broken out of my reverie by the sound of a twig breaking nearby. I turned my head to identify the location of the noise to see Kagura.

"Sorry," she apologized. "I hope I didn't intrude… sorry if I startled you." She looked away, the smallest pink hue appearing on her pale face.

I wiped my eyes on the towel I was still holding. "It's ok."

"I- I was just starting to get… worried…" Kagura looked back to me, a mixture of emotions evident in her beautiful, red eyes. "I just… you've been extremely quiet… since our escape… I know you're not ok… how could you be?" I sat uncomfortably by the spring; I could no longer meet her gaze. "You're changed. Your scent has changed, your chemistry is different… Your actions lack vigor… I know you're injured still, but—" She turned away from me and hung her head.

"I don't want to be overbearing—I don't. I want to give you any space you may need. But I got worried." She took a deep breath before she turned and continued. "It had been a while since you had left camp, the sun was still going down, a-and it got dark—" I could tell she was trying hard to fight off tears. "I know where your mind is. I know the damage in your heart. I—" her voice broke.

"I thought I lost you." She fell to her knees, holding her face in her hands, sobbing.

I crawled over to her, ignoring the sharp pains in my right side and left arm. "Kagura…"

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she cried, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "What is this feeling? Concern? No, it's deeper than that…" She stole a glance at me and upon making eye contact, she quickly averted her gaze to the stars overhead. "You've shown me kindness. I had no idea… You made me want to fight alongside you, not against you." She looked back to me; I could tell she was calculating her every action, choosing her words carefully.

"You're so strong… you have such conviction. You fight for the ones you care about and you fight for their honor as if it is your own. Even now…"

"Kagura," I said softly, "I'm not strong." The waves of self-loathing and surrender began to wash over me once more.

"You're wrong!" She yelled and shot me a glare that reminded me of the way Inuyasha would look at Kagome when she expressed any bit of self-doubt.

It was my turn to look away. "I'm broken, Kagura." I could feel the anger emanating off her, although I do not believe it was intentionally directed at me. "I'm broken, and I cannot be fixed."

"No, that's not true!" Kagura yelled at me. If looks could kill… "No, you may be broken right now but you won't stay that way! You're strong! You'll come back!"

I wish I could believe her. I wasn't so sure… All of this sinking in and settling, this heavy, horrible realization of what I had been through and accepting it… all the time I spent proving to myself that I was a capable fighter, worthy of my name and rank, worthy to travel with people such as Inuyasha, Kagome, and Miroku… I spent my entire life proving myself and all that was for null. I felt truly worthless now.

"No! I will not allow you to speak of yourself in such a way!" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her claw at the ground. A few tears fell from her face and peppered the dirt.

"Why?" Part of my inner conflict was reaching a boiling point. Who the hell even was I anymore? I had even fulfilled my purpose of freeing my brother, that was good enough for me. This inner storm was brewing, clouding my heart and my mind.

Kagura glared daggers at me. "Don't speak of yourself that way, and for the love of everything please don't even think of hurting yourself! I know YOU don't give a fuck anymore but there are others who do! What if you never make it back to your friends, to your brother? They'd be devastated, they'd blame themselves!"

She thought I had wandered off to harm myself.

"Kagura—"

"I cannot stand the thought of losing you!"

"Listen—"

"I love you, Sango! Goddammit!"

You could have knocked me out with a feather. Her actions hit me like another hurricane of emotion, the emotion in her voice struck something inside of me that pulled me out of my current state of self-hatred and pulled me out of the waves that were crushing me, drowning me. The clouds parted only to give way to a different type of storm.