Day one post Sidonis.

Garrus got back to the ship before me and Tali but hid out in the Main Battery or Engineering. As far as I know, he didn't speak to anyone all night; Jack and Joker take that almost as hard as I do. And then he doesn't come to bed again.

I spend the night on the couch in my quarters. I had Garrus take down the plate over the skylight, and now I can't sleep under it without him. Or maybe I can't sleep in the bed or without him at all. Either way, the morning comes on day one post Sidonis, and I haven't been this miserable in a long time.

I don't even know what to think about yesterday. I still don't know if I did the right thing or who I did the right thing for. I didn't want Sidonis to survive, I agree with Garrus that justice is important. Especially in this case. Garrus's sense of justice has always been one of the things I admire most about him. But yesterday...that didn't feel like justice at all. That felt like Garrus hunting down revenge. And it felt like if I'd let him get it, I would have lost Garrus entirely.

My heart hurts, and my head is pounding. I let Garrus down again, I betrayed him all over again. And even if I did it for him, even if I did it to protect him and even if I am right, I betrayed him. I don't think he's ever going to forgive me.

But I think I'd rather have him hate me than be unable to live with himself.

I go down to Mess Hall for breakfast for the sole reason that I'm hoping Garrus will be there. Instead of finding him in Mess, I find the crew watching Jack pound on the door to the Main Battery. "Open this door, Big Bird, or I will blow my way through it!" she screams, fists glowing with her biotics.

"Do not," I order quietly. She turns to look at me, mouth open, fire in her eyes. "Well, don't stop! Get in there. But do not break my ship - and especially not his favorite part of the ship - to do it."

Jack nods and turns back to the door, resuming her pounding. I head for the coffee machine when I can feel the eyes of the entire crew on me. Some of them are wondering why I'm not stopping Jack, I'm sure, but Garrus needs someone. If it can't be me, I'm glad he has a friend. I'm sure some of the crew is on what they perceive to be my side or Garrus's, but they're all wrong. There is no side here. No one can win.

"I - fuck!" Jack squeals. I look up in time to see her flying through the doors before they shut quickly again, locking her into the Battery with him. Good. At least he's not alone now.

Granted, I did just leave two of the most dangerous people on my team locked into a room with a massive gun...

"Are you okay?" Tali asks. She moves my hand from the coffee pot and picks it up to fill my mug. I only realize then that I'd been standing here, holding the pot handle, and not pouring.

"Headache. Guess I'm not functioning though it," I mutter. Lies, and Tali knows it, but she doesn't call me out. I thank her for the mug and take a giant gulp from it. If anything is going to help, it's coffee.

"Shep?" I turn to find Kasumi standing on the opposite side of the counter. "I realize there couldn't be a worse day to do this but...I need your help. It's personal."

And if anything is going to make this worse, it's a mission. But I'm not about to let Kasumi down, too.

We head to her space, which of course is a communal space and the one with the bar, and Kasumi sits cross-legged on the couch beside me. She tells me a story I'd suspected of her. Kasumi lost someone, someone who was the love of her life. And now she needs to infiltrate a party thrown and attended by particularly dangerous people to get something of his back. She wants to steal something on my time and dollar, and I'm all about it because those people suck and because I know what she's dealing with.

"The party is tonight? We'll go, no problem."

"Thank you. There's one other problem, though." I raise my brow and wait. With Kasumi, I'm equal parts worried and curious. It could go either way. "Garrus can't go. The risk of someone in this crowd recognizing Archangel is higher than with anyone else."

"Yeah, well...that's probably not a problem right now. Whoever comes needs to be my date, and I don't think Garrus could be that right now." My face flames even while I'm saying it. I hate having to admit that even to a friend, even to someone I trust.

"Shepard. What the hell happened out there?" she demands, shifting onto her knees. It's not judgment but concern, and I know that Kasumi can actually get what I'm going through, so I spill. I tell her what Sidonis was to Garrus, why yesterday meant so much to him. I tell her what I did, the choice I made and why. And I tell her that I think I've lost Garrus but that I think it's worth it for him. Kasumi's response is, "Shepard, you are really stupid if you think you've lost Garrus. He loves you."

"Yeah, I know that he loves me, but..." I shake my head. Garrus doesn't just love me; Kasumi doesn't even know the half of it. But him being trapped with me isn't why I want him to stay with me. "If he can't forgive me for this, it won't matter that he loves me."

Kasumi just takes a breath, understanding that as best she can. And it's more than I can ask for.

"Give Joker the coordinates, and have him give me a timeframe. I'll recruit...Thane." It's a snap decision. He's good on his feet, he's good in a crowd...he'll make a good date. But Kasumi frowns at me, and I can read her mind for it. Garrus and Thane are okay, but Garrus isn't going to appreciate me virtually going on a date with Thane.

And maybe that's part of why I pick Thane, too. Maybe if he gets mad about it, Garrus will at least talk to me.

But I have no chance to talk to Garrus or Thane before Kelly is telling me that Jacob needs me, and it's urgent. Urgent is not what I need today. And yet I get to the Armory and get ready to deal with someone else's problem. Old Shepard would have dealt with her problems exactly like this, running away and finding some distraction. Finding someone else's problem. But old Shepard died, and I've been working so hard to face things head on, to be open. Now, new Shepard doesn't know how to make it work with Archangel.

"Hey, Jacob, whats - "

I'm cut off when a tray of tools he was using goes clattering to the floor. Jacob jumped out of his skin when all I said was hi. Maybe Kelly was right about this being urgent.

"Sorry, Commander," he mutters, diving to the floor. I follow him, helping clean up. "I'm a little...unfocused. Personal matter. It won't affect my duties."

"I'm not worried about your duties, Jacob, you do a great job. Tell me what's on your mind."

Jacob sighs, putting the full tray aside. "You have enough going on today, it's not important. I let Kelly call you up here when she called me out on snapping at Miranda but...hell, Miranda deserved it."

"I don't doubt that," I laugh, rolling my eyes. and then I wait, pressuring Jacob to talk by being completely silent. And it works in seconds, faster than usual with the crew. I choose not to tell him that he crashes faster than Tali.

"I don't want to waste our time if it turns out to be a goose chase, but..." Jacob starts pacing, and I lean against his desk to wait. "I got pinged by a ghost the other night. Family."

"I'm going to need more detail."

Jacob takes a breath, exhales, and it all comes out. "My father was first officer on a ship that went missing ten years ago. I had not talked to him for three years prior. His ship, the Hugo Gernsback, sent an SOS last week, reporting a crash and a request for rescue. Just like that, out of the blue." He shakes his head. "I'm not convinced it isn't just some automated distress signal ticking over. It's been too long."

"I'm not exactly an expert on family relations, but you don't sound particularly excited that your father might be alive," I note.

"He wasn't around enough for me to have bad memories," Jacob explains with a shrug I'm sure is supposed to seem casual. "It's an old, well-healed wound. But if he's actually alive and needs help..."

"Yeah, I get it."

Jacob nods, but winces a little. "I should also note that it's not normal procedure for distress calls to be routed to the Normandy. This was passed to my personal log through Cerberus filters."

Red flags go up for me immediately with mention of Cerberus. I know all too well that the Illusive Man will orchestrate missions without regard for my crew, like on Horizon and with the downed Collector ship. "Any signs that this is a Cerberus front? Who passed this to you?"

"I doubt the Illusive Man would let a direct operation stay cold this long. If there's a link, it's probably just about money. Cerberus needs diverse holdings to fund projects like...well, like you."

I will never love hearing myself called a project, but I'm not going to be angry with Jacob for it. He's not wrong.

"Anyway, whoever sent this my way covered their tracks," Jacob continues. "Someone could be fishing for favors. Or thought it would get under my skin. Who knows with that bunch?"

"Fair enough. So tell me about the Hugo Gernsback and what it was doing."

"Privately held frigate. I looked over the mission brief when it disappeared. Nothing stood out. Typical research and grab operation. Find an uncharted planet, stake a claim, and establish as large a presence as you can as fast as possible to shut out competitors."

"You didn't get along with your father?"

And then he's pacing again. Dad is a sensitive subject. "He made no apologies, I'll give him that. You make a mistake, you own up to it, even if you keep making it. Whatever problems we had were a lifetime ago. I've had ten years to get where I am. And as far as I know, he's still a ghost."

"Okay, well, we don't need ghosts haunting us while we're chasing the Reapers, so give Joker the coordinates, and I'll figure out getting there to check it out."

Jacob stops and gives me a small smile. "I appreciate that. I don't expect more than dusty old bones, but it'll be good to close the record."

Closure is important. Closure is what Sidonis should have been for Garrus. I shake that off and leave the room. Maybe what I need is for Old Shepard to make a reemergence. There's not much point in being new right now when I was doing it for Garrus. It's only going to hurt more.


I would love to ignore Shepard's message to report to the Comm Room. I would love to be obstinate and ignore her, I would love to be that petty. But no matter how bad a Turian I am, I cannot ignore an order, and that's what the message is. It's an order. It's work, not personal. And so I report.

Part of me is almost disappointed that this wasn't a set up for Shepard to talk to me. I know it wasn't because I walk into the Comm Room and find Shepard there with Jacob, Kasumi, Joker, Miranda, and Thane. At least I know it's not an intervention if Tali and Jack aren't here. Besides, it's just been a day since Shepard and I last spoke. Less than a day.

Fifteen hours since I told Shepard I don't want her near me, fifteen hours since the last time we spoke. Fifteen hours of hell, and she called me into a professional meeting instead of an intervention. I want to throw her through a wall and beg forgiveness all at the same time. And then I remember Sidonis isn't dead, and I stand as far from Shepard as I can possibly get. I don't want her near me.

"We have to talk logistics for two brief missions," Shepard announces to the room, immediately silencing it and taking control. Commander mask on. Is she suffering, too? "We're going to Aeia and Bekenstein, and we're going to split up to save time. I'm taking Kasumi and Thane on mission A to Bekenstein; the details are on the datapad."

Joker slaps one into my chest, and I scowl at him but open it for details. A party...they're stealing something. Apparently Thane is going to be Shepard's date at this party. When I look at him, Thane is already watching me from across the room. He knows what he's doing, what his role on that mission is. He knows he's taking my girl on a date for a mission, and he's damn well going to know I'm not pleased with it.

Except that I can't say anything about it right now. If I step in about this, I'm going to get emotional with Shepard, and I'm not ready for that. She fucked me over. She doesn't deserve my emotions. Thane can take her on a date. I don't care.

"Garrus, you're going to lead mission B with Jacob, same datapad. You can choose your third team member." She doesn't look at me while saying it, so I look away from her. It's easier not to look at her right now anyway. "For the Bekenstein mission, we cannot take a shuttle from the Normandy, so we're going to be leaving from here in two hours in a car we'll rent on the Citadel. A shuttle will follow and stay in orbit. In the meantime, the Normandy will leave for Aeia in the morning. When we're done on Bekenstein, we'll meet the shuttle and rendezvous with the Normandy."

"You're anticipating being gone for three days?" Miranda asks.

Shepard nods. "Four at most, yes."

Four days. Shepard's going to be gone for four days starting in two hours, and we already haven't spoken in fifteen hours.

Green eyes flash away from mine the second I look up. She's thinking the same thing, and I still have no idea what to say about it. And the Commander mask is still up.

"Any questions?" Shepard asks the room. No one has any.

A glance at the mission for Aeia tells me it's going to be straightforward and should be fairly simple. I should have some feelings one way or the other about Shepard giving me a mission to lead. My gut wants to be excited to be in a leadership role, my head wants to be anxious that I'm going back into a leadership role after what happened the last time. But I feel nothing. If I think about Sidonis, I feel pissed off and hurt. If I think about Shepard...it's work. The mission does nothing for me.

Numb. Again. Just when I thought I'd escaped numb.

Shepard dismisses us, and I start to leave the room with the others, but she calls, "Vakarian. A moment?"

Again, I want to be petty and ignore her. But since she uses my last name and I'm running a mission, I assume it's business, and so I stop. Miranda bugs Shepard about something for another moment, and then we're alone. The moment the doors shut, the air in the room sparks to life, and for the first time, I hate that connection. I do not want to want her right now.

"I needed someone I could trust for the Aeia mission since I'll be so far off," she tells me, leaning forward with her palms on the table. "You also couldn't come to Kasumi's party with me because there's too much risk for someone to recognize Archangel. So."

"Understood. And Thane was...the obvious choice?"

"Did you have a better suggestion?" The tone of her voice tells me everything I need to know. First, she chose Thane at least in part because she knew it would piss me off. Second, Shepard's walls are up. She's shut down, shutting me down. It's the first time since she came back to life, and it's like a kick in the gut. But it's also her own damn fault.

And I don't have to be nice about it.

"No. You can take whoever you want on a date."

I expect her face to harden the way it would have two years ago. I expect her to get pissed off, to tell me off. Instead, Shepard's face falls completely. The walls come crumbling down, and I can see pain flash through those emerald eyes. I just hurt her badly. I hate that I feel bad about it but it takes an immense amount of control not to run around the table and fix this for her.

"Garrus..." She takes a breath and drops her head. "We're about to spend four days apart. I don't want to leave the ship and be away from you for four days without at least talking about this."

"No. I told you I don't want to talk about it."

"We're going to have to talk eventually!"

"What is there to say?" Shepard startles when I raise my voice. "What could you possibly say to excuse what you did to me? And why the hell should I listen to it?" She opens her mouth, and I hold up my hand to cut her off. "Don't. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to be around you. Unless you have something to say that's not about what you did, don't say anything at all."

Shepard takes a deep breath and slowly starts around the table. She doesn't look at me until she's standing right in front of me. "Good luck on your mission. Please be careful. I love you."

My heart stalls, and Shepard walks away.

"I love you, too."


Four days later, I am crawling out of my fucking plates. I can barely catch my breath, I haven't eaten in two days, and it took me six hours to fill out a simple mission report for a very simple mission on Aeia. Well, not simple for Jacob, but simple overall. And in the two days since, he seems to have recovered. After the guys on the crew let him kick the crap out of them in the ring.

But I'm a wreck. Shepard really fucked up with Sidonis. She knew that it was important to me, she knew exactly what I needed her to do, and she failed to support me. She chose Sidonis over me, she sided with him over me, she betrayed me.

Instead of being completely pissed off at her, instead of being fully done with her and over it after yet another betrayal, I'm a wreck because Shepard isn't on the ship. Because Shepard is off on a mission that we heard had complications, a gunfight. Because Shepard is on a date with another guy, and I sent her off. I can't eat, can't sleep, can barely sit still or think straight because she's not here even though she punched me right in the heart.

And even if I wanted to? I can't leave her. I can never leave Shepard because I bonded with her. No matter what she does to me, no matter how bad or how awful, I cannot leave her. I don't want to. But I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like being broken with her.

If I'm going to be with her forever, if I'm never going to have another option, I need to believe that Shepard isn't going to hurt me. That we're a team. And she proved otherwise with Sidonis.

But fuck me, I want her back on this ship.

"Swear to shit, Garrus, if you don't sit down, I'm gonna punch you in the face."

I don't even realize I'm pacing until Jack snaps at me. And when I come back to reality, I get hit the face with a peanut. Hadley and Matthews have been throwing peanuts at me...for a while, judging by the number of peanuts on the floor around me.

"We've been talking to you for like ten minutes, buddy," Joker notes, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Leave him alone," Tali practically growls. "He's not going to calm down until Shepard is back on the ship. And then once she's back on the ship, he'll go back to being an obstinate ass and not speak to her. Even though he can't sit still because he's so worried."

"Okay, now you need to leave me alone," I snap at her. They all know some of what happened, they know that Shepard and I aren't speaking, but they don't know the details. Even if they think they know everything, none of them does. I don't have the words to put to what I'm dealing with, so I haven't been able to talk about it even when I tried.

"The shuttle has returned," EDI announces. Something shifts in my chest, and it's the first time I've been able to take a real breath since she got off the ship. She's back. If nothing else, Shepard is home and she's safe. "They're coming up in the elevator."

I head for the Main Battery and lock the door behind me once I'm through, ignoring way too many people calling my name from behind me. They all want me to stop, to wait, to greet her. They want me to be fine and to start talking to her like nothing happened. Like she didn't break my heart. Again.

"Any injuries, EDI?"

"No, Garrus. The team has returned with no injuries."

"Thank you. I'm going to hack through the security protocols so that no one can come in or out of this room," I tell the ship AI. We have an agreement. EDI tells me before double checking my calculations, and I tell EDI before I block or hack a system. It works for both of us so that I don't end up screaming out ship cancer, and EDI doesn't feel a need to complain to Shepard about me.

Maybe if I made EDI complain about me to Shepard tonight, Shepard would have a reason to come check in on me. She would have an excuse to come in here. But I told Shepard to stay away and I locked the doors, so she's not coming to see me. And it's been four days.

Spirits, I haven't seen her in four days.

How much of how broken, how numb, how hollow I feel is because I've spent four days apart from and angry with my bondmate, and how much of it is because my best friend hurt me so badly? How do I figure out the difference?

"Garrus, Commander Shepard is at the door," EDI tells me. Or warns me, I'm not sure. "She heard about the injury on your mission reports, and she wants to discuss it."

I roll my eyes, but I definitely can't keep Shepard shut out now. I don't even want to. I use the console to unlock the door, and I turn around when I hear them open. Concern is written all over Shepard's face, her brows drawn together. But she's gorgeous. Seeing her for the first time in days, after not sleeping with her, especially after being mad at her...it's like a balm to my soul.

"What happened? You hurt your shoulder?" she demands. Shepard comes across the room, reaching for my arm without hesitation. I step back, out of her reach, automatically. Pain flashes over her face, but I didn't do it to hurt her. I did it for self-preservation.
If she touches me, I'll fold. I'll collapse and ignore everything she did to me. Not this time.

"It was nothing. Jacob shouldn't even have included it in the final reports," I assure her. "It's just been stiff since the - "

"Gunship, yeah, I know. Did you see Chakwas?" She crosses her arms over her chest, and I know it's because she doesn't want to try and touch me again, but she'll do it without thinking. My hands are gripping the console behind me for the same reason.

"There was no need, it was just strained a little. I promise, it's...it's fine."

Shepard nods, looking down at the floor. I don't know why she's not looking at me. Probably because she thinks I'm a murderer and has no respect for me. And I shouldn't care because she betrayed me. I don't care how she felt about me killing him, she knew the plan in advance and promised to stand by my side. She promised to be my partner. She failed me.

"Is there something else you need?" I demand, my anger coming out in my tone. Shepard looks at me then, blinking up at me, and I know what she's going to say before she says it, so I cut her off. "No, I don't want to talk about it yet. And no, I don't know when I'll be ready."

"I wasn't going to ask. I get it, you're never going to talk to me about it. We spent four days apart, you never answered my messages or calls, you probably never even thought of me except to hate me." She's shouting by the end of the sentence, and I have to grip the console now to keep myself from reacting. "What I was going to say is that I'm glad you're not hurt and that I missed you. I wanted to tell you I missed you. And I'll be waiting around for you to decide I'm worth talking to."

Shepard spins and practically runs out of the room. The doors hesitate long enough that I can see her hands fly to her face and cover it. I hear her first sob before the doors shut, and pain so sharp that it takes my breath away shoots through my heart. I want desperately to run out of the room, throw myself into her arms, make the pain stop for both of us. The only thing I want more is to drown in a bottle of strong, dark liquor. That would stop my pain, too.

I want a drink. I want to get drunk. Black out fucking drunk until I don't even remember who Shepard is, the kind of drunk I never managed to find no matter how hard I tried because Shepard is always on my mind. I need a drink.

I head for the door, aiming for the bar on this ridiculous fucking ship, but they open before I can get there. For a moment, I pause, wondering if it's a ghost. A meow tells me that it's a monster. The kitten pads in quickly, chirping up at me and weaving between my feet. "She sent you, didn't she?" I ask, scowling down at the animal.

Green eyes flash up at me, Monster just meowing in response. I reach down and scoop him up with one hand, the little guy jumping right into my carapace. It's built that way on Turians to protect our infants during battle, the only species with anatomy designed to protect our children assuming we'll be in war even if we have infants in our arms. Apparently it works just as well for kittens who want to cheer us up.

"I hate that you can cheer me up," I tell the creature. I throw myself down on the cot and pet his head, listening to Monster purr. "Doesn't she need you? Should I be bigger and send you back to her? Should I even give a crap? Probably not, right?"

Monster headbutts me in the face and bats my mandible, yowling at me.

"Well, of course you take her side. That's not fair. You know, if she's your mommy, I'm your dad. You can't pick favorites." I manage a laugh at myself and add, "Says the guy who very blatantly has a favorite parent. Hell, I even have a favorite of your parents, and it's not me."

Monster again meows, and this time he nuzzles me softly.

"Suck up. Next time you see her, tell her I said thank you for sending you."

My Omni-Tool starts buzzing, startling Monster for a second until I shush him. I have every intention of ignoring the call until I see who it's from. My father hasn't reached out, hasn't bothered to talk to me, in months. I made it clear that I'm not leaving Shepard, and he washed his hands of me. He learned I'd been on Omega and forbade me from speaking to my mother or my sister without even knowing about Archangel.

And now he's calling me. I answer with my heart in my throat, certain that for him to call me, someone I love must be dying or dead. "Dad? What's wrong?"

"We need to talk about your...about Shepard. Garrus, we need to talk about Shepard."


Day seven post-Sidonis. Post Garrus, maybe. I don't really know. Are we even...

I can't. I can't go there and focus. If I go there and the answer is what I'm terrified of, I will never be able to complete this mission. My team needs me, the fucking galaxy needs me, and after a week, I've come to realize that Garrus hating me might mean that I lose him. Forever.

And now I have to ask for his help.

Staring the doors to the Main Battery, I can barely breathe. My throat feels tight, my heart is pounding, and I might throw up. At the thought of seeing Garrus.

This is not how my life is supposed to go. This is not what we're supposed to be like. A week ago, we had intense intimacy and dreams of the future and a friggin cat together. Now, I have anxiety about even talking to him.

But I don't matter. I need to talk to Garrus to help Kasumi, who is a member of our team and a friend. We have to work together to help her.

The doors open when I approach. Garrus straightens from the console, and I know that he knows it's me. "Do you have a minute? It's not about..."

Oh, good, Shepard, figure out how to finish that one. It's not about the fact that we aren't talking, aren't living together, maybe aren't even together at all because I betrayed you, Garrus.

Garrus huffs out a sigh and turns from the console, walking to the crates opposite the cot. The cot that has become his bed again. He sits down hard and doesn't look up at me, staring down at his boots. I start toward the cot but decide that's way too hard, and then move to the console instead. "The mission report for Bekenstein didn't say everything. We were stealing something very personal for Kasumi. Has she ever told you about the guy she lost?"

That gets Garrus's attention and he looks up, though not at me. "Not in so many words, no. I figured there was someone, that something had happened. I...I don't know, recognized the look, I guess."

I have to swallow, my mouth going too dry. I hate talking about that time almost as much as he does. Except I was dead, and he was suffering. And that's why I'm here now.

"Keiji. They were partners and had been together a while until he died very suddenly. We stole what she called his black box, but it's effectively a goodbye message from him directly to Kasumi." I shake my head, remembering the shuttle ride. "Garrus, she watched the holovid like a dozen times on the way home, and she's barely been out of her room since then. She watches it over and over, I'm not convinced she's eating or sleeping."

"It's a goodbye message?" he asks, frowning up at me.

I nod. "Yeah, he asks her to move on. It's really sweet, and he sounds like he genuinely wants her to be happy. But Kasumi isn't hearing anything or seeing anything but Keiji, and she can't break away from it. She's taken huge steps backward in getting over him, you know?"

"Spirits," Garrus breathes, dropping his head again. His hand moves to his chest, and he clutches at the dog tags under his shirt. My dog tags. "I don't know what I would have done if..." He cuts himself off and his face hardens a little again like he's just remembered he's supposed to be angry with me. And he'd rather be angry with me than anything else.

"I can't just leave her in there trapped with that," I press. "It's a ghost. She's locked herself in with a ghost, and it's not healthy, it's not safe."

"Yeah, you're right. It doesn't sound good for her." He straightens a little, running a hand back over his fringe and still clinging to the tags. I so badly want to go to him, comfort him.

"I'm not a ghost," I murmur, looking away from him because if his eyes get all hard right now, it'll break my heart. Or break it more completely.

"What do you want me to do? How...how can I help?" he asks. Ignoring it is probably a little better than nothing. A little.

"Honestly, I have no idea," I admit. "But she looks at me and sees someone who came back. I don't...I don't remember spending two years without you, so I don't know what she's going through."

He looks me straight in the eye now, and for the first time since Sidonis, I don't just see hate there. "And I do know what she's going through. At least in part."

"Yeah. I'm sorry to have to ask, but I don't know what else to do or who else to turn to. And Kasumi needs someone." I almost tell him that I want him to do it because he's such a good leader, because he's good with the team. Our team. But I know that's going to hurt him, even more than it does usually. I know that I don't have a right to say that to him right now.

"I'll do what I can. I'll talk to her." He shakes his head and confesses, "I...I didn't survive you. I didn't...do I tell her that? I mean, I was gonna let those gangs kill me 'til you showed up."

"Please don't," I snap at him, my heart skipping in my chest and dropping into my shoes. "I know that you're mad at me but fuck, that was low."

Tears burn in my eyes, and I spin from him, wiping them away as soon as they fall. I'm not going to let him see me cry while he's treating me like this. Not talking to me is one thing, but just spitting out that he was suicidal and especially when I can't hold him...

He must be damn far gone from me if we're here. If I hurt this much, I can only imagine what he's feeling.

"You know what?" I turn back, forcing myself to look at him and quitting on the foolish effort to try and stop the tears. It's useless. "I know, Garrus. I know."

There's a moment of confusion, and then I watch it click in his eyes. Something like horror flashes there. He didn't want me to know, he can't remember most of the night with Morinth when he told me, but it can't be avoided. Not right now. I know that Garrus is bonded to be whether he wants me to know and whether or not he actually wants to me.

"I'm not going to say it because I want you to be the first one of us that does that," I choke out, my words coming in and out of volume because of my tears. But he can hear every single one. "But I know. And I want you to know that it doesn't matter. It does not...you aren't stuck." I force myself to meet his eyes. He deserves that from me at least; after everything I did, he deserves this. "You're allowed to be done. And if you are done, and you need me to..."

Some horrible sob rips out of my throat, and I have to pause to catch my breath, my stomach knotting. I refuse to throw up. Not right now.

"If you need me to be the one who ends it because you're...if you're done, and I have to walk away, I'll do that for you. I will - "

"Commander Shepard." EDI's voice makes both of us startle. "Mordin wants to see you and Garrus. He said that it's urgent. I apologize for the interruption."

Maybe it's for the best that I have no choice but to pull myself together. Garrus is kind enough not to watch, not to say a word to me. He even hands me a clean shirt to wipe my eyes with. It would help more if I didn't realize then that he has a bag down here. He didn't move all of his things out, but he moved out.

"Shepard..."

"I guess now I know. I'm...let's go talk to Mordin."

He doesn't say anything else, following me out of the Main Battery and to the Tech Lab. Mordin is practically bouncing when we walk in, and his mood is in such a sharp contrast to ours that it nearly knocks me back. "Good! Knew you'd want the news right away!"

Mordin goes running across the room. Literally running. I just look up at Garrus, confused as hell, and Garrus only shrugs his shoulders. At least he looks just as lost as I feel.

He plucks something out of the cooler, straightens up to hold something over his head, and announces, "Figured it out."

"Figured...what out, Mordin?"

The professor turns around and looks at us like we've grown extra heads. "Best chance to make you parents."

My heart leaps. Despite it all, despite everything else and what just happened, my heart leaps. No matter what happened a week ago, no matter where Garrus has been sleeping, I still want his babies. I still want all of it.

"That's...that's it?" Garrus breathes, holding his hand out for the vial Mordin retrieved.

"Yes!" He hands it to Garrus who holds the vial up, staring at it like it's a precious gem. And now I can't breathe because I think Garrus still wants it too. "Protein prepared, formula solved. Next step, get ready for injection. Will likely need years if not longer for total acceptance. Will run simulations. May never work. Process. But will be ready. When you are."

When we are.

If.

"You two did it, didn't you?" Garrus breathes, staring down at the vial though I can tell his mind is elsewhere. I look at Mordin, but he looks confused, too. Garrus knows that we did this, that I asked Mordin to help us have a baby. But when Garrus looks at me, I can tell that's not what he means. "My father called me a couple days ago. He told me that my mother was accepted into some brand new clinical trial that she never should have been accepted into. Someone pulled the strings, and he had suspicions you were involved." Garrus looks at Mordin, then back at me. "It was you two, wasn't it?"

Mordin just stares at me. I swore him to secrecy, to silence about this. I never wanted it traced to me, and Mordin doesn't need attention or accolades so he was fine with it. I never wanted Garrus to know, and now Garrus can see that on my face.

"Why didn't you tell me?' he breathes, shaking his head at me slowly.

"I...it was about your mom, not me." I take a deep breath. "I mentioned her illness to Mordin one day and asked if there was anything he could do."

"Knew of trial starting," Mordin admits, staring down at his hands. "Knew director. Used...channels to find mother's records. Used favors to get acceptance. Funding..."

"Was me," I admit. I paid the fees, paid for the costs of any medication, paid for the scientists to get from Sur'Kesh, the Salarian homeworld, to Palaven. As far as I'm concerned, it's the best money I've ever spent.

Garrus hands the vial back to Mordin, and I can see that his hand is shaking. "I...we'll talk about starting. And-and about my...mom." He's shaken, stammering. I've never seen him like this. "But...but I-I need to talk to..." He turns and looks at me, blue eyes wide and wet. There are too many emotions in there for me to identify or recognize them. "We need to talk."

After not talking for a week, I should be relieved that he wants to talk to me. I should be grateful that we're finally going to talk. But I'm terrified. What if he's mad about me involving Mordin in, hacking his mother's medical records and invading her life? What if he no longer wants children with me because he can't rely on me?

What if he's going to make me be the one who walks away?

I clear my throat, forcing myself to keep it together for now. "Okay. Mordin, thank you. Again. For everything. We'll, uh...we'll talk later."

"Understood. Go. Important."

I can't address the look in his eyes either. Garrus leads me out of the Tech Lab, and I follow him to the elevator silently. I don't need to look a gift horse in the mouth and ask why we're going upstairs. I just want Garrus back in our quarters.

The entire ride, the far too long and miserable ride, is silent as well. Neither of us says a word while we ride to our quarters. If that's what they still are.

Monster comes running, meowing the whole way and zigzagging between our feet. I realize when I see him that I've gone numb. Too many questions about what's to come, too many tears, and too much pain from the rest of the week. I'm hollowed out. The kitten follows me to the couch and climbs up the leg of my pants to sit in my lap. Numb, I pet him and wait for Garrus to deliver my fate.

Garrus takes longer to approach, and then he sits down on the table in front of me. He won't even sit next to me.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out, wanting to get it out before anything else is said, before I don't have a chance to say it anymore. "I realize you might see what we did as an invasion of your privacy, and I'm sorry for that. I'm especially sorry if your father is mad or something, I...I just wanted to help. If we had a way to help your mom, I had to try. She's...she's your mom, Garrus. But I'm sorry if - "

"Please shut up," he whispers, voice hoarse. "You're sorry? Shepard. She's my mom. And my dad says this trial...this could actually give her life back. The scientists think she could get years more from this. Years," he repeats, voice breaking around the world.

I reach for him on instinct but snatch my hand back quickly, not wanting to make this even worse. Garrus grabs my palm before I can hide it, and he traps my hand in between both of his. I stare, watching his hands effectively swallow mine for a long beat before I find the courage to look up at him. I've never seen him cry before, and the tears running down his face take that numbness and shred it completely.

"Thank you," he murmurs, eyes boring into me. "It's not enough. I could never thank you enough for that."

"You don't need to thank me. I didn't even want you to know," I remind him. "I just...you're my family, Garrus. And that makes your family mine."

I can't say it without sobbing, because it's true. It's so very true. Garrus is my family, my entire family, and I betrayed him and I lost him and -

"Please tell me what to do." And now I'm begging because I don't know what else to do.

"Tell me why you did it," Garrus breathes, voice a little firmer now. And he's still holding my hand; that has to be a good sign. "Tell me why you stopped me and spared him. I need...I need to try and understand."

I nod and force myself to take a breath. I don't know if it'll be enough, but at least he's giving me a chance to explain now. It's all I've wanted, a chance to show him I didn't do that just to hurt him or because I don't trust him. It might not earn his forgiveness and it might not be enough for him to trust me ever again, but at least he'll learn the truth.

"When you first came back onto the Normandy, after we got you off Omega...Garrus, you were so dark. That darkness, it was in your eyes and in every smile, it was...I was so scared it was going to consume you." I shake my head and brush my tears off my cheeks quickly. I have to hold it together if I'm going to get through this, and Garrus is watching me so carefully, I have to get through this. "It was getting better. You were working so hard with the medicine and talking but you still...you still couldn't talk to me about Omega. The nightmares, too. I was still scared of the darkness, but I thought you could fight it."

My stomach flops, bile working its way into my throat until I have to force it down. I hate this part of the story. I hate even thinking about what I saw in him.

"And then when you were chasing Sidonis...Garrus, I don't know who that man was," I admit. "Maybe that was Archangel, maybe someone else but...it wasn't you. And when you were like that, I wasn't sure anymore that you could fight the darkness. I was...God, I was terrified." He squeezes my hand, and I look up at him again. He at least doesn't look like he hates me.

I take a deep breath and find a way to continue. "When I was standing there...it wasn't me between you and Sidonis. That's not what I saw, it's not how I felt. It was me between you and that darkness. It was going to take you from me. Sidonis wasn't going to be the only one of you who died if I let you fire that shot, and I...I cannot let you go. Not like that."

"Not ever," he replies firmly, immediately. He shifts closer, pulling my legs between his knees and then keeping his hands on my thighs. He leans forward to catch my eyes, hands squeezing my legs. Touching me, he's touching me. "Don't let me go. Don't ever let me go, not even when I'm running screaming into the darkness and begging for it, Shepard, please don't let me go." This time when his voice breaks and I want to reach for him, I don't hesitate.

I pull him to me, and Garrus crushes me into a hug. He comes onto the couch and tugs me against him, into his lap, and we both laugh but never part when Monster yowls at us and scampers off. Garrus shudders and buries his face in my throat, and I hold him as tight as I possibly can. I never thought I'd be able to hold him again; I realize now that I genuinely thought he was going to be done with me.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, clinging and crying and not caring at all. "I promised to be on your six, I promised not to hurt you again, and I - "

"You had to save me," he murmurs, shaking his head and speaking against my skin. "You weren't hurting me, you weren't betraying me. You were saving me. I'm so sorry I was too stubborn, too obsessed to see it." He shifts to press his forehead against mine, and I sigh through that buzzing sensation that washes down my spine. "I was awful to you; I should have talked to you instead of running. All I could see was Sidonis, and I failed to remember you. To remember I know you love me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I take his face between my hands and shake my head, not breaking our contact. "It's okay. I got why it was so important, I knew why you were so upset. I just wanted this chance to talk even if it meant you still left me."

"I'm never leaving you," he whispers. "Spirits, Shepard...I want those babies with you. I want..."

Garrus snaps up suddenly, his spine going completely straight until he's gawking at me. It's so fast that I almost startle, but before I can ask him what's wrong, he's running across the room. "What are you doing?"

"Something I should have done weeks, months ago," he answers, laughing at himself. Garrus shoves something into his pocket and then runs back to me, moving too fast. He throws himself back down on the couch beside me and takes my face between his hands. "Look at me. I need you to listen to what I'm about to say very, very closely because this is...fucking years overdue."

"I'm looking, I'm listening," I assure him, pulling my legs up into his lap. I need to be as close to him as possible.

"Elle..." He laughs softly. "Damn it, I love you, kid. I love you more than I knew it was possible to love someone." All of a sudden, I can't breathe at all. It's like a kick in the chest, my heart thumping against my ribs. "And it's not...it's not just that I love you, okay? You're my soulmate, my bondmate. I'm physically, irrevocably, unquestionably bonded to you, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Oh, God, Garrus," I cry, tears spilling down both of our faces again. And he's smiling at me through his tears before he lets go of my face to hold my hand. "You didn't have to say it. I wanted...I wanted you to be ready."

"I'm ready, I've been ready. Just...stubborn. Scared. So much that it's ruining everything."

I scoff at him. "Nothing is ruined, Garrus. I'm right here."

"Yeah, you are. And you were there for me with Sidonis even when I fought you off every step of the way," he breathes. "You've been there for me through the darkness, Spirits you're there for my mom and you don't even know her. I...I should have done this before."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Garrus, and you're starting to freak me out," I laugh at him.

"I'm freaking myself out," he laughs, "but I think I'm supposed to do this on my knees so..." Garrus slides off the couch and onto one knee. He kneels. He kneels and slides his hand into his pocket, and now I really can't breathe.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what are you doing?" I demand, jumping to my feet even though my hands and legs are shaking violently.

"Hey, hey, don't go," Garrus breathes, reaching out and catching my hand. He's giving me the sweetest, shyest smile I've ever seen on him. "I told you this was coming one day, didn't I? I'm not waiting another day when I lost you once, when I never should have let you go."

I think I might pass out. I really truly think I might pass out right here, I can barely breathe at all, and my hand is almost vibrating inside Garrus's. The room tilts when he pulls a small black box out of that pocket, and some horrible whimpering sound that is so very pathetic escapes me.

"Elle Shepard...you are my best friend. You're the one person I want on my six for the rest of my life, the one person I'd follow into hell." He takes a shaky breath and continues, "Turians get one shot at true love. We're each made with half of our souls, half our beings. And there is one person for each of us in the entire universe who will complete us." Those impossibly blue eyes are more impossible than ever before when he says, "You are that one person for me, kid. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you, have kids with you, have sex with you in illegal places, save the universe with you. I want you to marry me."

"Illegal sex, you brought up illegal sex while proposing to me," I laugh, shaking my head at him and rolling my eyes. He returns the eye roll, and my heart starts racing even faster. This man is totally perfect for me.

Garrus pops open the box, and I gasp. The ring is perfect, shiny and traditional. It reminds me instantly of the ring that sat on my mother's hand, and I fall for it almost as fast as I fell for the man who is presenting that ring to me.

"Hey." I meet his eyes again, and Garrus smiles though I can see how incredibly nervous he is. "Will you marry me, my love?"

"You didn't even have to ask," I tell him, tears starting all over again.

He shakes his head and laughs. "Yes, I did, because you deserve this. We deserve this after everything we've been through. I'm going to put a ring on your finger and a mark on your throat and you'll do the same for me because we deserve it. Now for fuck's sake, Shepard, please put me out of my misery and say yes."

I throw myself at him, taking him right to the floor with a very satisfying grunt. "Yes, yes, God, yes."

"Oh, thank fuck," he growls, rolling to bring me under him to the floor. "Thank the Spirits," he breathes, then kisses me hard. "Thank you," he whispers, shifting down to nip my throat. "I love you."

I arch into him, grabbing on and holding tight with my heart fluttering. "That sounds even better to hear than I thought it would."

"I have a lot of saying it to make up for," he tells me, pulling back enough to look me in the eye. There's something on the tip of his tongue, and for a moment, I get scared that he's scared of it again, that's he's going to quit saying it. I could have lasted not hearing it, but now that I've had it, that would just be cruel. Instead, Garrus's face softens, and he leans down to nuzzle my forehead with his. "We need to talk. I have to explain Sidonis, what happened. We can't..." He takes a breath that sounds shaky again. "We can't start our engagement and the rest of our lives with that hanging over us."

I hate that he just went from the happiest I've seen him to dark and hurt again. I hate it when he looks like this. I have to fix it.

"I'll tell you what." I wrap my legs around his thighs and twist, getting leverage to bring Garrus to the floor so that I'm straddling him. "We will talk. You will say everything you need to say. Right after you cum inside me."

Garrus flashes a genuine smile, the darkness gone.