Cards Against the Crystal Gems

Amethyst grabbed a new card. "This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with _."

The gems picked their answers.

"Not with a bang but with getting crushed by a vending machine."

"That must be one big vending machine." Garnet commented.

"Not with a bang but with faking your own shattering. Not with a bang but with no longer finding any Cards Against the Crystal Gems card funny."

"This game isn't funny." Pearl insisted.

"Don't say that Pearl! You'll cause the end of the world!" Amethyst admonished.

"Plus, you've laughed multiple times." Lapis pointed out.

Pearl blushed and sank in her seat. "It's still mostly offensive and gross."

"Not with a bang but with flying attack dolphins."

"As if we'd let the world be destroyed by flying dolphins." Bismuth scoffed.

"Not with a bang but with the penny whistle solo from 'My Heart Will Go On.' I'm gonna go with not finding this game funny anymore."

Garnet took that card and drew the next. "What's a girl's best friend?"

White cards were handed in.

"The moon."

"No, the moon sucks." Lapis corrected.

"Steven and the Stevens."

"We are all friends with Steven." Peridot observed.

"Ruby."

"Someone's trying to pander to the judge." Pearl said.

"Math."

"Sure, if you're a nerd." Amethyst laughed.

"Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl and Steven!"

"That's four friends!" Peridot accused.

"You can have more than one best friend." Bismuth explained.

Garnet nodded. "That's why this card wins."

"I'll take it." Lapis said.

Pearl's turn was next. "Every step towards _ gets me a little bit closer to _."

They each picked two answers.

"Every step towards having no idea what's going on gets me a little bit closer to poor life choices. Every step towards twenty bucks gets me a little bit closer to however much weed $20 can buy."

Amethyst snorted. "Looks like you know what you want!"

"Every step towards getting mommy another beer gets me a little bit closer to doing it for her."

You shouldn't enable her addiction like that." Bismuth said.

"Every step towards fucking my therapist gets me a little bit closer to fucking a corpse back to life."

"Uh, is your therapist dead?" Peridot asked.

"I don't have a therapist. Every step towards the pearl inside Pearl's pearl gets me a little bit closer to the screams… the terrible screams."

"Are you sure you don't need a therapist?" Amethyst asked.

"Doing it for her." Pearl decided.

The card went to Garnet.

Bismuth picked the next card. "Let me drive my van into your _."

They each picked a white card.

"Let me drive my van into your cooler full of organs."

"There's probably a heart in there somewhere." Amethyst commented.

"Let me drive my van into your Big Bird's brown, crusty asshole."

"Must be a big bird indeed if it can fit a van in there." Garnet mused.

"Let me drive my van into your Lion."

"Well… you could. In theory." Pearl conceded.

"Let me drive my van into your nothing."

"You mean park the van like a normal person?" Lapis deadpanned.

"Let me drive my van into your spaceships shaped like giant body parts."

"What do need a van for if you've got a spaceship?" Peridot asked.

"I pick a cooler full of organs." Bismuth declared.

Peridot snatched that card and drew another. "Do not fuck with me! I am literally_ right now."

Lapis snickered. "Oh, this should be good."

"I am literally wearing glasses and sounding smart right now."

"Isn't that how you always are?" Bismuth pointed out.

Peridot put her hands on her hips. "Yes. I am literally getting laid like all the time right now."

"So, we can't fuck with you right now because you're too busy being fucked by everyone else?" Amethyst asked.

Peridot threw a spoon at her. "I am literally being awesome at sex right now. Why do you clods keep giving me sex cards?"

Giggles were the only answer.

"I am literally solving problems with violence right now. Oh, I'm about to. I am literally a full-on panic attack right now. The winner is obviously wearing glasses and sounding smart."

"Yo." Amethyst took the card.

Lapis read the next question. "Before I run for president, I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with _."

They all picked an answer.

"I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with a sad handjob."

"Yeah, no one's gonna vote for a sad handjob." Amethyst nodded.

"I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with bullshit."

"Just hide it under an even bigger pile of bullshit." Amethyst advised.

"I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with stealing the ocean."

"I'm pretty sure everyone in the world noticed." Pearl pointed out.

"I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with tentacle porn."

"But regular porn is still okay." Amethyst winked.

"I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with Peridot."

"What!?"

"Well, I guess I'm just not going to be president then. Stealing the ocean wins."

Peridot blushed at first, then cheered as she realized she won.

Current Score

Amethyst: 28

Garnet: 34

Pearl: 32

Bismuth: 29

Peridot: 26

Lapis: 25