Chapter Fifty-Seven

Jason felt like he was physically climbing the walls as time went on. He couldn't believe that it had been three days since he had arrived in South Africa as all days seem to blend into one. He actually only remembered to eat and drink because it was brought to him. Clay had a good family in Africa, he could see that now.

When Clay had first told him that he was leaving to visit a friend in Africa, he had been worried that maybe Clay's demons would get the better of him when he was alone. It was a common theme with the kid. Clay's demons always got the better of him when he was alone; being in another country alone and away from his brothers was a storm waiting to happen. He had seen the demons destroy even the strongest Seal.

However, his fear had pretty much disappeared when he met Frank. Jason could tell that Frank saw Clay very much like his son just like him. The fear and pain that he saw in Frank's eyes, it was something that couldn't be faked. The man cared greatly for his kid. It had been in that moment that Jason knew that whatever happened afterwards, the fear of Clay feeling alone in that moment as he sank wasn't true. Clay had been loved. He didn't want to add to the end of his life to that sentence as he wasn't about to give up on the kid. Clay was a fighter and he knew that the kid would fight to the very end.

But he had a feeling in the bottom of his gut that told him that Clay was going to be ok. He didn't know how to explain it, but he knew that his kid was going to be ok.

He turned in his seat and looked at Clay. Frank had been called away to court but the man had promised to bring some food back with him and so he was left alone with his kid. He had started to count a long time ago every heartbeat that showed up on Clay's monitors. He knew that he was going to drive himself mad if he continued but he felt like it was also the only thing that was keeping him sane. Just that little reminder that Clay's heart was still going. Was still beating.

Jason sometimes found himself just staring at Clay as he lay there. The kid looked very much like a child in that bed. His blonde curly hair lay softly against his hair. "You need a haircut kid." He muttered as he ran his fingers through it.

He knew that he shouldn't do that but he couldn't help it. The kid's hair always grew twice as fast as the rest of them. Only closely followed by Brock. Sonny, he knew, took the mick out of the pair as both of them ended up booking an appointment at the barbers as soon as they got back from deployment. Sonny had even joked that Clay looked like a mountain man at times when he had a full beard as well. Jason soon found himself laughing as the memory of that conversation when they were on the flight back from Afghanistan. Sonny basically spent most of the time he wasn't sleeping with the kid. They were either drinking, arguing or joking around.

Sonny and Clay had basically become brothers who were as thick as thieves and had given him a few new grey hairs for their troubles. But he couldn't be mad. How could he? This was his fault. He had been the one to ask Sonny to look out for the kid. And after the kid had saved his life, Sonny had really taken to the kid. Which surprised everyone. Sonny was not one to be welcoming to the rookie, hell he would normally make their life hell until either he got used to them or they left. But Clay had been different, he didn't mind arguing with Sonny or answering back when they would normally just shut up and just stay quiet. And if he was being honest with himself, Clay had changed Sonny so much since he joined them. They all had.

"I really don't know if you can hear me kid but you gotta know that I'm not going anywhere. Leave no man behind right?" Jason said quietly running his hand over Clay's before taking it into his and squeezing it tightly. He needed to let the kid know that he was there to stay and he wasn't about to leave him alone here.

He smiled softly as he continued, "Your doctors told us that talking to you might help you work your way back to us...whatever that means I have no idea." He said, shaking his head slightly. After his and Frank's conversation, he had finally been able to meet Clay's doctor. The man was a young Commander but from what Frank had told him after the man had left, he was an experienced doctor. The Commander had explained everything to him regarding what medically was going on with Clay but then the word 'if' was brought into the conversation. 'If Clay woke up and if he could breathe on his own.' And stuff like that. He completely understood what the doctor was getting at and why he couldn't tell him his changes as they didn't know them. No one did which was why he hadn't bitten the doctor's head off for bringing them up.

He was more worried about some of the terms used by him when he was explaining Clay's condition. Some of them, he had heard before and not in a good way. "God, I wish Trent was here to translate what they are saying about what is going on with you," Jason said, shaking his head. He had messaged Trent a few times and had even taken a photo of Clay's file and monitors to send to him for him to translate all the medical jargon. He knew that possible could be illegal but no one was there to catch him and he knew that Clay wouldn't mind.

"Thankfully your friend Chester has been nice enough to translate some of it when he was last in." Jason then added. He liked Chester and not just because he owed him for saving Clay's life. The man was strangely like a mixture of Brock, Trent and Full Metal all in one. He was a quiet man, not really saying anything unless asked or if he had something to say like Brock. He was also a very well trained doctor. He also knew that others inside the hospital respected him as whenever another member of staff entered Clay's room when he was there, they would always speak to him. Some even saluted him if they were a lower rank when they came in. He also, like Trent, explained things in simple form when needed, not even bothering to add the medical terminology because he knew they wouldn't understand it. But unlike Brock and Trent, Chester was built very much so like Full Metal. The man was big and was completely made of muscle. In his head, Jason wondered who would win in a fight between the two men.

"He said to tell you that next time he comes by you better be up, he is back on shift in the ER here and doesn't know if he will be able to make it back up to see you till the end of his shift." He explained to Clay.

"To be honest he reminds me a little of Full Metal. Which is a little scary…" He then added smiling a little, he knew that Metal wouldn't be happy about him comparing him to another Navy man and more so an officer. But then again, he knew that Metal would get over it. Eventually.

His eyes then turned to Clay's body. He knew that more than likely Clay sleeping would be helping him heal. Trent always told him that rest was one of the best medicines when someone was hurt. And boy did Clay need it. His eyes then turned to the room's windows. The sun was still high in the sky but that wasn't the thing that caught his eye. It was the landscape around him. Clay's window faced the sea. He couldn't see much from this distance but he suddenly found himself hating it. The sea had nearly taken Clay from them, from him. And he didn't know if he could just forget that. He knew that his job would entail him from dealing with the sea again, he just hoped that either he nor Clay grew a phobia of it. Having one Seal scared of it was enough.

They always joked and took the mick out of Sonny for all his phobias. His list was a mile long so far but he now understood the fear he had of the sea. Even if Sonny repeatedly told them that he wasn't afraid of water but of Sharks and other things that lived in the ocean that could kill them.

He then turned back to look at Clay who looked so peaceful that it broke him a little. Clay always slept like this, it was a little unnerving sometimes. After a mission when they all still saw Clay as their rookie they had all noticed how still Clay would be in his sleep. Like the kid didn't move from the position he fell asleep in. It was the same thing whether or not he was in his hammock or if he was sleeping on the seats. He had no idea how the kid did it but he didn't move an inch.

He wasn't used to this, sitting by someone's bedside waiting for them to wake up or not. Before, whenever one of his brothers had been hurt, he had visited them, of course, but then he would leave. Go back to work. He would still think about them, but he wouldn't allow himself to be consumed by it. This was the first time he had taken the bed watch of an injured brother. And he hoped it also would be his last. He wasn't good at this.

"Don't really know how to do this, to be honest with you kid. I'm a man of action. I lead men into battle, just sitting on my arse doing nothing is something completely new to me." Jason admitted shaking his head as he admitted to Clay that he had no plan for this. Everyone saw him as a man who could come up with any plan for any mission. And right now he had no clue how to continue.

"Storm Baghdad, no problem." He said, looking directly at Clay and moving a little closer still holding his hand. "Halo jump into enemy territory, peace as pie." It was then that he felt the fear that he had felt before. That day that officer told him that Alana had been in a car crash. He had been ready to do or be whoever she needed him to be to get better. But that hadn't happened. Instead, he had to be the one to tell their children that their mother was dead and was never coming back. He was meant to be the one to die first, not her.

However then his mind stopped. He remembered reading Clay's personal file, the day of the draft meeting with Adam. In Clay's file, it read: Mother: deceased. Clay hadn't even been given the chance to know his mother. She had been ripped away from him so early that he doubted the kid had any memory of her. Or if he did, it was a very faint one. His children had been given the chance to know their mother. "But sitting on my arse when one of my own is hurt and there isn't a target for me to go after to make it right...well that's completely new to me," Jason admitted, now starting to play with Clay's fingers nervously.

He shouldn't be admitting to weakness. He was trained never too and always hid his fears in front of every problem that came his way. That was what team leaders did. He had to keep his nerve no matter what. But when the words left his mouth, he felt like some of the weight he had been carrying had lifted. Even if it was only a little.

"I'm used to losing brothers in war. Have lost a fair few over the last few years. Sometimes I sit at night, just watching them die again and again right in front of me like its a video that is stuck on a loop...but I can't lose you. Not like this." Jason whispered as his voice broke. He had lost so many brothers, but nearly all but a few had been on operations. They had died fighting for their country. A heroes death. But like all of them, he had lost a few due to accidents or by their own hand.

Swanny's suicide came to mind straight away. He hated himself for not seeing the signs before he had left and in turn had made Clay deal with everything alone. The kid had been healing himself from lost getting killed in that bombing and then had to deal with Swanny's death alone. Being told about Swanny's death had hit him harder than he thought it would. And more so after speaking to Clay right after.

The kid sounded so broken on the phone. He had never heard Clay like that before. Thinking back to Swanny, he remembered that his old teammate was a very stubborn man, more so than him. And when he made up his mind, no one could change it. He had a strange feeling that this idea of suicide had been playing around Swanny's head for a while. It was just after that doctor's appointment, did everything fall apart. TBI was the reason for Swanny's death but it wasn't the cause.

Suicide and PTSD was one of the biggest killers of veterans and soldiers, not just in the States but everywhere. Jason remembered reading somewhere that PTSD or things like it was responsible for more deaths of his brothers and sisters than any enemy round or bomb. He knew that more likely they all had some type of PTSD, how couldn't they after everything they had seen over the years.

With a sigh, he looked at Clay once more after taking a moment as he tried to lock his emotions back in their boxes in his mind. But found him unable to keep the locks on them for long. Swanny had given up. And sometimes, Jason felt like there was nothing else for him in this world if he lost Bravo and his kids. He would fall into that deep pit of darkness, just like Swanny had. But in that moment he found himself promising himself that he would never allow Clay to follow on that path. He wouldn't let it happen. When the kid woke up, he would fight with him or even for him if it was needed.

"I know it would be easier for you to just give up... Hell I know the feeling. I used to think that I had failed so many people that it would be earlier for everyone if I just ate it on an op. My kids would mourn but they would move on with Alana. They wouldn't have to live in fear that every day could be the day that they would get that knock on the door or find a video of me being killed. It would hurt them but they would be able to move on without me..." Jason admitted but then he stopped and felt his lip quiver slightly.

God, did he miss Alana. She was his better half, his best friend and he had lost her. She had been taken from them. All because of a selfish drunk driver. That man had taken his best friend and the mother to his children away from them all for no reason at all. It wasn't right. He was the one that was meant to die first. He was the one that was meant to be in that coffin and not her. She was the one that was meant to watch their children grow up and become amazing people.

"But after I lost Alana, I chose to leave Bravo so I could be there for them. Be a father to them even though I had no idea how to be one…" Jason said, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke. He knew that he was a lousy father but as he looked at Clay he knew that the kid would argue with him for saying that. But that was how he felt. He had no clue how to be a parent to his kids. It was why he was so thankful he had his family around him to help. Also, he was thankful for how Alana had raised them. She had been the reason for his success of still being with Bravo and making sure that his kids were safe. They could look after themselves. They didn't need him.

But then he stopped. He wished he had known that back then. If he had…

"And it cost us Adam," Jason whispered.

His own selfishness had cost another Seal's family their father. Had cost them all a brother. "I can never forgive myself for the pain I caused everyone. I should have been the one there, not Adam. I got my own brother killed and I have to carry that every day till the rest of my life."

"But at the time, my kids needed me." He added. He knew that he was properly just making up excuses for his actions back then but at the time it felt the right one. Even Adam had told him so before he had left.

Back then the kids needed him. To be there for them when they needed him the most. However, now they didn't need him anymore. They had grown so much in only a short period of time that they didn't need him. They had their own lives now. "Now Emma has college and Mikey loves that school he's in. With my mom not too far away. They have both grown so much that they don't need me anymore."

As much as he knew that his kids loved him, they didn't need him. They had grown so quickly and maybe a little fast for his liking but he was glad for it as well. It meant that he didn't need to be so worried about leaving them when he left.

"I missed so much of their lives that I don't even know them very well. All I know is the Teams and my brothers. That was the only thing that felt right to me, I know that sounds weird and maybe a little mad but it's the truth. Thought nothing could throw me, even when I lost Nate, I knew that I would move on with time. Like I had done with all the others. But then you came along." At the last bit, he couldn't help but smile softly at Clay.

Clay had been Bravo's saving grace. He hated to admit it, but Bravo had been in trouble before he had drafted Clay. Losing Nate had been a hard blow for all of them but more so to him. Nate had been his brother, he had come up together. Their brotherhood was as strong as they came. And he had failed him. He had failed to save him and bring him home to his family like they had done for each other since they first became friends. One of his many failures.

"You changed everything kid, even if you didn't know about it at the time," Jason said, taking in a sharp breath. He had changed everything. He had brought them together, he had saved them. Without even noticing he was doing it. The kid that he had hated and wanted to kill for the first few weeks was his saving grace. And he had saved him. Jason knew that he had been heading in a dangerous direction. One that would have ended with him joining Nate in the ground.

"I thought I had met every type of Seal coming," Jason said with a smile and a chuckle and looked up at the ceiling.

"There are Seals like me, Sonny and Full Metal who are career pipe hitters, then there are Seals like Ray calm and cool-headed but looking to the future. Then there are Seals like Trent and Brock. Who you don't hear talk a lot but are solid brothers who you want around." He said, shaking his head. He loved his brothers a lot but at the same time, he was glad that they weren't all the same because that would drive him mad if they were all the same. Hell, he would properly end up in the brigg or retiring early if that was the case.

But then he turned and looked directly at Clay and a soft but sad smile."But you kid. You are natural. It was like you were made for this job. You are nothing like Ash, sometimes it's hard to see the resemblance between the two of you."

He knew that Clay's and Ash's relationship wasn't the greatest. Yes, there had been some improvement but Jason wasn't holding his breath that it got any better. However, in his head, he didn't want it to. Ash didn't deserve Clay. Not in a million years. Sometimes he wished that Clay had been given a better life than the one that he had been dealt. Then maybe he would have gone on to do something better with his life. But he knew that if that were true then he wouldn't have ever met the kid. He wouldn't know what a strong, loyal and kind man he was. Then again, the father in him knew that at least that meant he would be safe.

"I know that I gave you a hard time in the beginning and maybe I just acted like everyone else that you came across. Saw you as nothing but Ash Spenser's son. Someone who thought everyone should respect them coz of who their dad was a Seal. But I was so wrong." Jason said mentally kicking himself again for how harsh he had been towards Clay in the beginning. He should have never judged Clay on who his father was because he was nothing like the man.

"You are Bravo." Jason finally admitted moving to place his hand around Clay's neck being very careful of the wires and tubes. But he needed to remind himself that Clay was still there. That he wasn't dreaming. That Clay was still very much with him. "Ray was right. He always is…" Jason then whispered. But then quickly added, "Don't you dare tell him that or I will kill you myself." Jason said using his other hand to point at Clay's check when making sure that his finger made some contact with the kid's chest. Like he would do if the kid was awake. He hated admitting to anyone that someone else was right and more so when it came to Ray. Mainly because Ray wouldn't throw it in his face every minute like Sonny would. No, he would just keep it for another day and when he was more in need of it.

"Ray said you were the right fit for Bravo and you are. I know we were lucky to get you, every bloody other team wanted you. Hell Beau even wanted you. Even with your record of talking back." Jason said laughing a little at the idea of Beau having to deal with how Clay worked. Beau was a stickler to the rules and hated when others questioned him. More so if that person was below him in rank. However, at the same time, he would have never allowed Clay to go to any other team but his. He didn't know what it was about the kid but it brought out his protective side, even if he hated the kid.

"But I know that was the way you learned. You are too smart for your own good. I guess sometimes I ask myself the question why choose a job that could get you killed instead of doing something else?" Jason asked as he unconsciously ran his fingers through Clay's hair as he spoke. "You could have gone to college, got a degree and have a safe life. But instead, you choose to do this. To fight for your country but also for those who I guess you couldn't help otherwise."

Clay could do so much, hell the kid was like a sponge with information. He could have literally done anything with his life and he would have been good at it. But instead of choosing a life where he could be safe and possible a lot richer than what he was now, he chose to help others who couldn't be saved any other way.

"I have no idea what you went through as a kid but I can guess that you saw things that no child should." He said softly. He could only guess of some of the horrible things that Clay must have witnessed as a child. Thinking of Emma and Mikey seeing some of the things that Clay could have, broke him. Ash had really messed the kid up, he knew that. And if the two ever met he would like to have a few words with the man who had basically sent his kid away so he could live his life the way he wanted. If Emma and Mikey had been younger or less prepared for this life, Jason knew that he would have walked away from Bravo without a second thought. It would have killed him but at least his kids would have a parent that was there for him. Clay had his Grandparents but it wasn't the same.

"I know that you properly never want to talk about what happened and that's ok. As long as you don't do what I've done you should be ok. Bottling everything up will destroy you and those around you." Bottling things up had nearly cost Jason everything and with what happened with Swanny, he had promised himself that he wouldn't allow that to happen to him. But Clay was still young, which meant that Clay would have so much more to deal with than he did. On the other hand, Clay would have him watching his back to make sure that he didn't fall into the darkness.

"Everything we see and do change us, even if we hate to admit it. Clay, I know whatever happened to you when you were a kid made you into the man you were today. A furiously loyal and good-hearted Seal who would do anything in order to keep those he cared about safe. A Seal that I am proud to serve with." Jason answered, closing his eyes for a second, trying to rid himself of the memories of his own missions in Liberia that might give him some insight into what Clay had gone through. Mainly because if Clay wanted to talk about it then he would wait till he came to him. He knew that the kid would.

And he was proud to be servicing with Clay, the kid was everything he wanted in a Seal and a member of Bravo. That didn't mean that sometimes he wanted to slam the kid over the head for messing around with Sonny or doing something stupid that nearly got him killed.

"But you are more than just one of my men or just one of my brothers. Clay…you are like my son." Jason finally said the words that had been playing in his mind for years. Clay was his son in every way other than legal and blood. But he was. He protected and taught Clay everything he needed to know. Something that should have been done by his father, if he hadn't been a waste of space.

"I know I shouldn't feel like this about someone under my command." Jason then said shaking his head and rubbing his eyes with his hand. But all the timekeeping on hand on Clay's arm. "That it is a risk not just to both of us but the team as well."

Fathers and Sons never serviced on the same unit together. Maybe in the same regiment but never in the same unit. Mainly for the simple reason that in case they lost a whole unit, a family wouldn't lose more than one family member. And he knew that the moment the upper brass found out how Jason felt about Clay, they would remove him from them. Taking him away from his family. That wasn't going to happen, not when he was still Bravo One.

"But I can't let you go to another team. You learn differently to the rest of us, you're not concerned about asking questions on stuff that you don't understand. I know that's the way you learn and I respect you for wanting to learn but I also know that you have gotten into trouble in the past for that." Jason said thinking back to when he had read the kid's file. Clay had gotten into trouble for asking too many questions to the wrong people. But that didn't bother Jason. The kid had learnt so much from them already and he knew that Clay would learn so much more by the time the year was up.

"I know that really I should care more for the rules. God, the Navy has a lot of them. Most of them protect us but others...let's just say I think it's to protect the cake eaters from taking responsibility for their actions and pin the blame on us. Like normal." Jason said, shrugging his shoulders a little at his comments about orders. He knew that Blackburn and Harrington would back him up to a point. But also do their best to protect him when he overstepped his mark. "But I could care less about what they want. My main goal is to make sure my men come home. No matter what. I don't care what happens to me as long as my men are safe and make it home."

Jason knew that Clay already knew that, but sometimes he had to remind the kid that he wasn't alone anymore. That there were people now that cared about him. He wouldn't abandon him like so many others had done so in the past. He would never abandon his family. Never.

"Just like I did when you fell through that ceiling in Iraq. I got an ear full from Blackburn about pushing my luck with the General. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't do that again, because I would. If it meant my brothers can go home then to hell with their orders." Jason said, but he couldn't remove the anger when he thought back to that General's orders. He had ordered him to abandon Clay in the middle of a war zone all because he wanted his precious drone back. He still remembered Sonny's choice words about that son of a bitch. He never left a man behind, and he wasn't about to start.

"I remember Ray telling me that you had company that day and I literally felt sick to my stomach. Knowing that you were so close to danger and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. When you didn't answer any of our radio calls I thought the worst. But then you go and save our arses. Kid, that was some real MacGyver skills right there. But I'm grateful for it. We would all be dead if you hadn't given us that signal." He knew that he had never really talked to the kid properly after what had happened but he knew that the kid was wiped. As soon as they were safely back on the plane and headed home, he had gone to check on the kid only to find him fast asleep.

"If you have any more tricks like that let me know coz we might need them from time to time." Jason then added thinking about that little trick that had somehow come into the kid's head which had not only saved him but all of their lives as well. That gun that they had pointed directly at the entry would have ripped them into shreds. Clay had saved them. And he had done that plenty of times afterwards.

"To be honest kid, I see so much in you that tells me that you are going to make one hell of a team leader one day and I'll be proud of the day when I hand Bravo over to you," Jason said as he took hold of Clay's hand once more but this time he lifted it up as he cupped Clay's hand with both of his. He knew that he looked like he was praying to anyone walking in but he needed Clay to feel him if he could. If he could pass any of his strength into Clay he would.

"But kid you have so much to learn still so I need you to wake up. Bravo wouldn't be the same without you so we can't lose you." He said as he squeezed his hands together as tightly as he could. He needed Clay to heal. To get better. Bravo needed Clay, he was their future in more ways than one. Clay would, in the end, run Bravo. But also shape the next generation of Seals into the best that they could be. He knew that he would never disappoint him and couldn't. Never.

"I can't lose you," Jason whispered as he pulled Clay's hand to his lips and kissed it like he had done for Mikey and Emma whenever they were hurt. Clay was his kid and he couldn't lose him.