It amazes me to this day how readily Kazuma makes up a story to explain something perfectly simple and rational instead of going with the obvious explanation. He'd always claim that he only got me sweets or toys to make me stop whining about them, but I rarely ever asked and he always looked so pleased with himself when he'd manage to surprise me with something. When I'd thank him he'd always brush it off. -NS

"And that," I finished, pulling a clean tunic over my head. "Is why I'm bloody well not the Hero of Belzerg. I'm just a NEET from Nagano who got in over my head."

I straightened and turned to see Zesta staring at me, an incredulous expression on his face. Maybe I shouldn't have told him about the cruise ship Aqua showed up on. Even I don't believe that really exists, and I saw it.

"Well," Zesta said slowly, seeming to pick his words with care. "I can see why you think you need to confess. Lying to the king is...well, that's not good. But, you really boarded the Destroyer and tried to steal it's core?"

"Yes, I told you that. Stupid of me, really. I should have just had Iris blow it up from a distance after we disabled the core. Risking everyone's life like that was foolish. What if Yunyun had been just a bit slower? Look, the point is, Adventuring is dangerous, and if you're smart you should just stay home and sleep in."

"I see, I see. And you really tried to take on the Fleshshaper with only a short sword and a slingshot? And won?"

"No, Yunyun won!" I snapped. "I didn't do anything."

"You really think that, don't you?" Zesta asked, sounding amused as he stroked his beard. "Well, young man, here is my advice: you are clearly plagued by a guilty conscience. I don't think even the goddess can help with that, even if she is actually here. What you need to do is apologize to the ones you think you've wronged."

That sounded like crawling across the floor on broken glass. "Couldn't I just make a substantial donation to the church and be absolved of my sins?"

"As much as I would like to say yes, that's really not how this works, Kazuma. Do you take me for an Erisite?"

"I'll remind you that I am somewhat close to the goddess Eris," I pointed out. Though I suspected that would only last until Eris smote me for my deceptions.

"Er, right." Zesta took off his pope hat, and scratched at his thinning hair before replacing it. "Look, as much as the Axis Order would appreciate a generous donation, is that really going to solve your problems?"

I glared at the high priest, mostly because I damn well knew it wouldn't.

"In the end, you're the hero, not me, so you'll have to decide how to face this particular foe," Zesta said, and turned to go.

Had the man heard nothing I said? I damn well wasn't a hero, and he knew it now. Honestly, Zesta always infuriated me. Just like the rest of Aqua's lunatics, he can't make up his mind if he's a pervert or a pious man of the cloth. The only member of the Axis order I've ever gotten along with is Cecily. She might be a loon, but at least I can understand her.

I stepped back out into the main chamber, where I was immediately mobbed by Axis Priests.

"Is it true you saw Lady Aqua descend from the Divine Realm?!"

"Can I have your autograph, Mr. Hero of Belzerg?!"

"Can Lady Aqua really demolish an army of undead with a word?"

"Did you really defeat Beldia in a one on one duel?!"

"Does Aqua really not need to go to the toilet?"

I glared around at them all. "Look, if you have questions, ask Cecily. She's the bloody priest, I'm just the hired help. All I did was truck Lady Aqua's luggage around for a bit and go drinking with her. But, as for the toilet bit, are you quite serious? She just vomited all over the place. Honestly."

I pushed past the priests and other church officials, going over to a frantic looking Cecily. "Alright, what have you told them? And why do they think Aqua doesn't need to relieve herself?"

"She doesn't, or at least that's what she told me. Have you ever seen Eris have to pee?" Cecily inquired.

I opened my mouth in irritation, then slowly closed it, thinking back. "Well I'll be damned. You know what, I don't think I have. Does Chris?"

"Yes, but it's the weirdest thing, she used to complain about having to do so all the time," Cecily seemed as baffled as I, and shook her head. "She even mentioned how she was looking forward to being a goddess again so she doesn't have to pee…"

This turned out to be one of the more incredible theological revelations I would experience in my lifetime. Goddesses, as it turns out, do not have to go pee. I have not asked about other bodily functions, but I'm willing to bet the answer to that is also "no."

"Well, I think that's enough pondering the mysteries of the universe. Where did she get off to, anyway?" I asked.

"They went back to the inn they're staying at. Apparently, Aqua needs to sleep her hangover off. We'll reconvene in two days when the Erisite Hierarch and her clergy show up. There hasn't been an intert-faith conference in...honestly I don't even know, I didn't pay attention in history class during priestess training. There was this cute little number who used to sit next to me, and oh, the things we'd do to each other after class…"

I held my hand up before she could go further. "Right. I'm off then. Do try not to hit on any of the Erisite priestesses. I don't want to know what sort of problems that would cause."

"Eh, I'm sort of committed now anyway. Though I wonder if Claire is up for a-"

I left before things somehow got worse. What the Suit is usually up for is making my life miserable, but thankfully I managed to avoid her as I ducked out of the cathedral and headed down to the town. I was halfway there before I realized I had no bloody idea what inn they were staying at.

After several amusing adventurers that nearly resulted in my signing my soul away to Aqua in many cunning traps I barely avoided, I managed to locate the place where my companions were staying. By then, it was nearly dark, and I was dusty, my jacket and pants were full of soap, and I was missing my left sock. Damned Axis cultists.

Apparently I had been expected, and the innkeeper directed me to the rooms Eris had reserved for us. With a growing sense of dread, I hobbled up the stairs, my wet boots squelching as I went. I came to the door of Eris's room, and after taking a deep breath, knocked.

After a moment, she opened the door. She blinked at seeing my frazzled state. "Kazuma, what- oh goodness, come in. What on earth happened to you?"

"Don't ask," I muttered, and shuffled inside.

"Big Bro!" Iris cried, jumping up from a chair. "You're back!"

"Not so loud," Yunyun groaned from the bed, where she was resting with a damp cloth over her eyes.

"I...I have something to say," I said, nervously fiddling with the hilt of my sword.

"Oh?" Eris said, glancing at me, then at Yunyun. She smirked. "Do tell."

I flung myself to the floor, pressing my forehead against the carpet. "I am truly sorry! Please forgive me!"

Silence. After several moments, I raised my head a bit and opened one eye. Yunyun had sat up from the bed, and was frowning down at me. Eris looked perplexed, and Iris looked worried. "I told you he was sick, Eris. I don't know what's wrong with him. He keeps apologizing and saying weird stuff."

Slowly, Yunyun stood up from the bed and walked over to me. "Do you mean it?"

I raised a trembling hand. "I...I know it's a long shot but...please. I truly am sorry. I...I never was a hero, and I shouldn't have pretended. I shouldn't...I shouldn't have lied to you, especially…" I swallowed. "I think I fell in love with you, Yunyun, and I...I shouldn't have said I was gay. I was just trying to save my own hide. I didn't...I only thought about myself. I'm sorry. Please...forgive me. I just...I want to be your friend. Please."

For a moment, my hand just hung there. Then, Yunyun reached down and clasped it. "I'm still angry. What you did...it hurt, Kazuma. But...but I forgive you. We'll talk when I don't feel like dying, because someone refuses to heal me."

"Serves you right," Eris muttered. "Honestly. You should know better. As if Aqua has any self control."

"I'm going back to my room to lie down," Yunyun moaned, letting my hand go as I shed tears of...I don't know. I just felt overwhelmed. "Ugh. I'm never drinking again." Yunyun left, still holding the cloth to her head.

I looked to Iris, who looked baffled still. "Iris...your highness, do you forgive me?" I pleaded.

"Only if you promise to stop calling me that," Iris huffed. "Seriously, Big Bro, what is wrong with you?"

"I...don't you understand? I've been lying to you! I'm no hero!" I said, sitting up to a kneeling position.

"Big Bro, I have literally watched you try to save me from the Winter Shogun, charge generals of the devil king, and try to save me from Vanir and Ravi when we thought they were thieves. What exactly do you think a hero is?" Iris asked, sounding exasperated.

"I, er, well, you see, most of that was really just a misunderstanding. With the Winter Shogun, I was just trying to get out of the way, and tripped. And really, I never charged Beldia, I was trying to get you out of the way so you didn't get yourself killed. And-"

"Iris, I think Kazuma isn't feeling well. Why don't you go to your room, or perhaps go explore for a bit," Eris suggested.

"Fine. I'll go check on Yuki and Darkness, they've been locked in that room for a long time," Iris said.

Eris winced. "Um, you'd best not. They are, er, occupied. I really should have seen that one coming…"

"Hmph. Maybe Chris is done pouting and we can do something fun, everyone else is being really boring," Iris complained, and left, closing the door behind herself.

Swallowing, I looked to Eris, then kowtowed again. "I'm sorry! You're only here because I wanted a magical girlfriend and to live the easy life!"

"I know."

"I never meant to save you from the griffon, I wanted my hands back! I do it left handed!"

"Yes, Kazuma, I know. That's really gross though."

"I never meant to kill Beldia, I just, I don't know, it sort of-"

"You were talking about your shared perverted interests, and then you grabbed his head and ran off. I know. I even know you tried to shove poor Rei Takamura in front of that car and get out of the way, but misjudged and ended up saving her life instead."

The words died in my throat, and I looked up, my mouth hanging open.

Eris giggled and shook her head. "I'm a goddess, remember? Not all of us are like Aqua. I've been paying attention, Kazuma. I knew what you were. But, I saw within you a lot of potential. It's good to see you've grown into the man I knew you could be."

My mind started racing. Had I...had I managed to actually fool Eris into thinking I was a good person? She must have bought the confession and little speech! I was going to live!

"You… you're not going to kill me?" I managed.

"Kazuma, if I was going to kill you, I would have done so when I realized you were planning on using my hankie for your perverted fantasies while you got busy with 'Lefty.' But, you didn't."

Only for lack of opportunity, really.

"I admit, at first I was worried that you wouldn't rise to the challenge of being in a strange new world, but you've done more than even I could have imagined. You cobbled together a party, and kept us focused through trials and tribulation. You truly have become the Hero of Belzerg," Eris finished as she helped me back to my feet.

I couldn't believe it. I'd somehow told the truth for once, and no one believed me. You see, this is why lies are so much more suitable. If no one's going to actually listen when you tell the truth, why even bother? But, the long and short of it was, Eris wasn't going to smite me right at that particular moment.

"So, er, now what?" I asked, unsure of exactly where I stood still.

"In the morning, we keep Aqua sober, then go to meet my clergy at the Axis Cathedral. There, we will have a grand conclave. Your job during all that is to keep everyone out of trouble long enough for me to convince everyone of what needs to be done," Eris told me.

I considered this. "So, take Iris somewhere where the collateral damage won't be too severe?"

Eris nodded grimly. "If you wouldn't mind. She doesn't seem terribly interested in bathing and sightseeing. Iris has been complaining she's bored for several days. I would say Yuki was in issue as well, but, ah, he seems to have found a way to keep himself and Darkness entertained."

"Safe to assume I seriously do not want to know?"

"You do not want to know," Eris affirmed. "There's been a bounty posted for a monster that's been eating local livestock and blighting fields. Even killed a couple of farmers. Probably a wyvern or a catoblepas."

"Fine, I suppose Iris can handle that, and I wouldn't mind a distraction." Just then, I remembered something. "What about Wiz?"

"Oh, she's fine. For someone who's going to their execution, she's practically giddy," Eris said, shaking her head. "I'm still not entirely sure how all this is going to work out, but, well, we'll figure something out. Take her with you. I'm sure you could use a hand keeping Iris from attacking the first suspicious looking rock you find."

"I suppose we can find Iris a sufficiently horrific monster for her to fight," I agreed. I turned, reaching for the door, then hesitated. "You...you really aren't angry?"

"I'd say I knew what I was getting into with you, Kazuma, but you have constantly managed to take me by surprise," Eris giggled, giving me a bright smile. "In a good way. Thanks for bringing Chris and Aqua safely here."

Sometimes, I still can't believe I got away with it all. Or that Eris, to this day, actually thinks I'm a hero. I don't know why. Really, I don't even recall anything heroic that I've ever done, at least not on purpose.

I found Iris and Wiz down in the main room of the inn, where they were playing Cat's Cradle. Iris looked bored out of her skull, but Wiz seemed to be having the time of her life. Iris frowned up at me as they played the string game. "Well, are you better, or are you still talking crazy, Big Bro?"

"I'm afraid I'm still crazy," I answered, and Iris grimaced. Then I gave her a wink. "Eris says the local Adventurers guild has a new bounty posted, something's been killing local farmers and their livestock. Want to go check it out?"

"For the love of Eris, yes! I haven't killed anything in days!" Iris cried, the strings ripping to bits as she jumped up, much to Wiz's disappointment. "I'll go get my sword!"

Iris scrambled off, grinning eagerly as the other patrons of the inn looked at her go with concern, then turned to me. I shrugged. "She's a Belzerg."

"Ohhhhh." With that revelation, the other occupants nodded sagely. Little girls expressing bloodthirsty tendencies were typically a cause for concern. A Belzerg doing so was par for the course.

"Care to join us?" I asked Wiz. "I wouldn't mind a hand keeping the royal pain from picking a fight with her shadow. Even if that probably would be the most challenging thing around here."

"You really do think of her like a sister, don't you?" Wiz asked, giving me a sad smile. Then she started. "Oh, sorry, yes! I would like to join you. Though, um, from what I've heard, you won't really need my help…"

"I will if this turns out to be something easy, like a giant toad. Iris will insist that's not a proper monster and demand to fight something tougher," I sighed. "I really don't want to hear the whining when she hears that Sylvia's dead."

"What!?" Iris cried, running back into the room and strapping Caliber on to her back. She was wearing simple leathers, apparently having decided that putting on her plate would take too much time when there were things to kill. "You killed ANOTHER general of the Devil King without me?! That simply isn't fair, Kazuma! I haven't killed a single one yet!"

Wiz went pale, looking concerned at Iris's words. "Alice, you-"

"Oh don't bother, the moment she started ranting about murdering something only an idiot wouldn't have realized who she was," I said, slapping Wiz on the back and turning towards the door.

"Er, I was more worried about her bloodthirst...her mother was never like this," Wiz said, blushing as we left the inn to the cheers of the patrons. Bloody bother is what it was. Honestly, my name makes a terrible chant. Reminds me of all the times the girls PE class would shout Scumzuma at me and try to run me down when they found my new peepholes.

It shows just what sort of idiot mood I was in that I was even volunteering for this. Yunyun's willingness to forgive me and the revelation that Iris and Eris wouldn't be measuring me for a coffin had me in high spirits. The sun was shining brightly that afternoon, and Iris led the charge out of the gates in our quest for the mystery monster.

How I managed to forget that Wiz was actually a super powerful lich and a general of the Devil King to boot, I'll never know. Really, I was just asking for trouble. I'd have said I should have stayed back and took a relaxing bath, but I suspect I would have been better off catching the next wagon to Axel or risking it on the open road.

Whether or not Kazuma really is or was a hero is something I've always wondered about. Mostly because the man in the stories was very different from the grandfather who raised me. Even after reading all of his notes, I'm still not certain, but I do know I miss him dreadfully. -NS