She didn't bother being confused. She understood. She understood every possible thing Aedan could've thought of. She understood his decision more than she wanted to admit. Loghain was a great warrior. He was a hero, the hero in Ferelden, and there was no logical reason to sentence the man to death.

Aside from the blatant act of treason he'd committed. He had betrayed Cailan. He'd betrayed their father. He'd betrayed the Wardens. He'd betrayed everyone he'd ever bled for, because he thought he was doing what was right. So many countless people were dead because of Loghain's actions, and yet, just as many, if not more, were alive because of him.

There were three of them originally, four with Riordan. Blights were stopped with hundreds of Grey Wardens fighting their way to the Archdemon. Hundreds of them died just trying to get to the dragon. With three, it was an impossible task. Four was still questionable, but five?

She swallowed past a disgusted lump in her throat. There was no way this was happening.

But it was, and Elissa didn't think Alistair would ever forgive Aedan for it. She wasn't sure if she could, much less than the man who'd lost everything. If Elissa had been the one to make the decision, she would've executed him right there, right in front of his daughter, right in front of the entire Landsmeet.

She didn't care who Loghain was, who he had been. She didn't care that this was the man she and every other Fereldan owed their lives to. She didn't care about any of it.

But Fereldans would, commoners and nobility alike, and Aedan would do whatever it took to rally the nation behind them.

What a dutiful son.

Her mouth soured, and it was everything she had to keep from throwing up. Loghain didn't deserve to become a Warden. He didn't deserve more than a traitor's death, and here he was, being bestowed an honor not even she had been worthy of.

What a dutiful husband.

She understood how it would look, killing the teyrn, and then deciding to marry Anora. It would look like a power grab, an advantageous move from a resentful child. Nothing would rock his position like that.

What a dutiful king.

It had taken everything, every social skill and grace she might've had, to convince Alistair to stay. He wouldn't speak to Aedan no matter how desperately her twin begged him to understand. It had fallen to her and only by the grace of the Maker Himself did she think it worked.

"Is this what Duncan would've wanted from you?"

Is this what he would've wanted from any of them? Aedan, stepping his nose into Ferelden's politics when Wardens were supposed to be a neutral party. Alistair, turning his back when the Wardens needed him most. Loghain, the very man who betrayed them at Ostagar.

If there was ever a time to drink, it was now, before they marched back to Redcliffe, before they assembled their army, before everything went to shit.

None of it seemed real. They weren't here. This wasn't happening. The Landsmeet was little more than another vision in her head, and they were still all the way back on that mountain, cowering in their tents and the ruins while the cold ripped at them. The dragon's carcass reeked, glimmered in the firelight, cast odd shadows over the gravel and snow.

And that wasn't real, yet another dream, playing out while she slept in her bed at Highever.

Elissa gulped. It was real. This was her reality. Highever was gone to her. She would never set foot there again; she would rather die. Ostagar was lost, Lothering and countless other villages were gone. Towns were smoking ruins as they passed, victims to pockets of darkspawn disappearing as quickly as they came.

And their ability to protect them, or at the very least, avenge them, came from allying with the very man who caused this.

There was no way to know if Ostagar would've been a victory if Loghain had stuck to the plan. There was just the certainty of knowing that his retreat had cost them dearly. The king was dead, Ferelden's army was dead, the Grey Wardens were dead.

Would Loghain following through have done anything? The Archdemon hadn't been at Ostagar. Would his death have been better, preferable to this outcome?

The confusion and anger from Alistair would've been preferable. She hated understanding why Aedan recruited Loghain. She hated it. It made her sick. It was so...dishonorable. It felt like a disservice to Duncan and the Wardens, the same people who saved them from Loghain and Howe. It felt...dirty.

Just a few hours ago, she had been at peace with the chaos. She had been prepared for the Landsmeet. If they somehow lost, which would've been a miracle in itself, their deaths would've been a relief. If they won, they could continue on. It was how she expected things to go, but this...it was something else.

She wanted so desperately to sneak out of their room and get drunk somewhere. She wanted to get so drunk that she couldn't think, couldn't see, couldn't feel. The kind of drunk where you woke up in an alley that reeked of piss and shit. The kind of drunk that made you hate yourself even more than you had to to get yourself into that situation.

But something kept her in bed. Elissa didn't want to think about it, no matter how painfully obvious it was. She didn't want to think about Leliana right now. She couldn't. It felt even worse than allowing Aedan to recruit Loghain, felt dirtier and wrong. Leliana was so good to her, so kind and gentle, and what did Elissa give in return?

She wasn't in the right head space to be with this woman. In no way did Leliana deserve the stress she was sure she put on her. She didn't deserve Elissa's selfishness. She didn't deserve Elissa's temper, or her attitude, or her negativity.

How had it come to this? Hadn't Elissa hated Leliana from the moment she joined them? Hadn't she annoyed her endlessly? How had Leliana's facade and lies become real? How did Elissa let this happen? How had either of them allowed this to happen? They were both smarter than this.

Elissa couldn't help herself. Leliana looked so peaceful, so relaxed. Even when she had a blank face, Leliana's eyebrows were always creased ever so slightly. She was always thinking, always planning, always studying. She was so careful, so thoughtful, and Elissa wasn't sure if that was something that should impress her or make her sad. It showed how on edge Leliana was, how little she truly trusted people, and yes, it did make Elissa sad.

She would do anything to take that pain away from her.

She reached over to brush the hair from her eyes. Part of Elissa expected Leliana to wake at the slightest touch, but she didn't. The bard's eyes remained closed, breathing even and steady. Was that a testament to the faith Leliana had in her, or was it just how tired she was?

Probably the latter. Elissa had almost killed her once. She wouldn't trust anyone who tried to kill her—that was the main reason she avoided Zevran unless otherwise forced, and that was the main reason she would never trust Loghain, Warden or no.

Elissa didn't know how to give back to Leliana. She didn't know how to do any of this, and Leliana somehow didn't seem to care. This...affair of theirs, it felt extremely one sided, regardless of how much Elissa cared for her.

She did. Elissa knew she did. She could feel it every time she saw Leliana. Every smile, every laugh, was infectious; the way her heart skipped whenever she was the one that smile was for, the way it still did, months later, was almost laughable. Most of her thoughts when she was idle were of the bard, or worked there way to her eventually. She couldn't stop thinking about Leliana no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't stop thinking about the way Leliana's lips felt, or how good her touch made her feel.

She couldn't stop thinking about how terrifying it had been to watch that man smash his hammer into her head. She couldn't stop thinking about the panic that set in almost immediately, or the fact that Leliana had been rather openly flirting with her literal seconds before. She couldn't stop thinking about all the blood and how frantically she'd tried to stop the bleeding.

She couldn't stop thinking about the first time they'd laid like this. Leliana had made up some excuse, bad dreams, to get Elissa to stay in her tent. It had been the only time since that Elissa had been the one to hold Leliana; the bard seemed to prefer holding Elissa when they went to sleep, and Elissa wouldn't argue. She felt safe wrapped up in Leliana's arms.

She couldn't stop thinking about their first kiss. How stupid and silly it was, how ridiculous they had both been. It made her cringe and made her heart soar. It was so childlike. It made her giddy, almost, made her grin like an idiot.

She couldn't stop thinking about the desperation in her when Leliana shoved her into her bed. The hungry kisses had been almost possessive. It had made something inside Elissa coil and burn like never before. It made her want to... Elissa didn't know. It was different from the times she'd slept with people before. Before, it had been for fun when she was bored and had nothing else to do. Before, she had been assured it couldn't become more—it had always been with a servant or a guard, stolen moments when her parents weren't looking, with people she knew would never be allowed to claim her.

Now her parents were gone. This wasn't some servant or soldier she could just order away; this was someone she cared for, someone she wanted and desired as desperately as a beggar desired food.

They hadn't. One of them always pulled away and stopped before they could start. Once in Orzammar, twice at camp. Both times at camp it had been Elissa; she was terrified. She'd never had sex with someone she actually cared for. It was always just a means to an end, and this...this would mean something to both of them. Elissa didn't know what that something would be for either of them.

Oh, but Maker, did she want it. Try as she might to deny it, Elissa wanted it. She wanted to rip Leliana's clothes off every time they had a moment to themselves. She wanted Leliana to throw her around and fuck her until she couldn't think; she was a bard, after all, and Elissa didn't doubt Leliana would be a far more experienced lover than she. The thought of it excited her in ways she didn't want to admit.

"What sort of thoughts could turn your cheeks so pink?"

Elissa almost shot straight out of her skin. At some point, she had rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling, and sometime between now and her rolling over, Leliana had woken up.

Elissa cleared her throat. "N-nothing."

Leliana arched one, fine brow, and by the looks of her lips, she was trying not to laugh. Elissa forced her eyes elsewhere, blush spreading down her neck, and she gulped again. The blanket shifted as Leliana edged closer—they always rolled onto opposite sides of whatever bed they were in after falling asleep.

A hand snaked its way over Elissa's stomach. It took every ounce of effort Elissa had to not squirm as Leliana pulled them closer. Every. Ounce.

That same hand flicked under her shirt, tracing patterns on her stomach, and that forsaken feeling started coming back.

She could feel Leliana's breath on her jaw, right below her ear. Her voice sent shivers down Elissa's spine. "What happened to no more secrets?"

Elissa gulped as she twisted to look the bard in the eyes, emboldened by some unknown force. "Leli—" That damned hand of hers had been tracing up towards her chest, but now it shot back down, pausing at her bellybutton before descending towards the hem of her pants. Elissa's breath hitched and Leliana's hand left as quickly as it came, returning to the nonsensical twists over her ribs.

"Yes, dear one?" Her voice was thick, but the words still rolled off her tongue like liquid velvet. Elissa could listen to her talk for hours and never tire.

Her fingers lifted, now light but so frustratingly erotic, into even softer strokes. Elissa must've made a face, as the corners of Leliana's mouth quirked into the most delicious grin.

"Stop it," Elissa said breathlessly.

"Stop what?" Leliana asked, feigning innocence. "Touching you?" Lower again, now almost tugging at the waistband. Elissa nodded impatiently, momentarily forgetting what was just said, and with a smug smirk, Leliana removed her hand entirely.

She pouted. "Not fair."

"I only did as you asked," Leliana replied.

The frustration was unbearable. Every inch of skin Leliana had touched was on fire, craving, begging for more, and Elissa didn't know if she could take rolling over and going to bed. She needed this, needed her, now.

Unable to formulate anything other than an annoyed grunt, Elissa decided she would just take what she wanted. In one deft movement, she had managed to get Leliana on top of her, and without a moment's hesitation, she pulled her down into a searing kiss Leliana was all too eager to return.

No other urging was needed. Leliana's hands roamed freely over Elissa's torso, alternating between gentle caresses and impatient tugs at her shirt. She wanted to savor this, the insatiable hunger, but every time Leliana's hands ghosted over her breasts, Elissa thought she might finish right then and there.

When the need for air became to pertinent, Leliana shifted focus to Elissa's jaw, peppering it with hot, wet kisses, and in a moment of clarity, Elissa managed, "Didn't you...j-just...wake up?"

Leliana hummed, pulled away for a brief moment. Whatever had caused her to hesitate was gone immediately; she nipped at Elissa's ear, drawing out a groan of need. Elissa could feel that damn smirk on Leliana's lips as she kissed her way down her neck.

"I had a very nice dream," Leliana whispered.

Leliana's lips found their way to her collarbone. Elissa held her there, hand weaving through soft tresses, and said, "About?"

Without warning, Leliana pulled away, but before Elissa could complain or protest, she had her sit up and practically tore her shirt off. Leliana threw her back against the pillows just as quickly, returning to her ministrations. Elissa kept guiding her lower, breath quickening the closer Leliana's mouth got to her breasts.

"You might've been there," Leliana said absentmindedly. The bard's eyes roamed over Elissa without fear, drinking in the sight of her Warden beneath her. "Tu es magnifique, mon amour."

"I don't know what that means," Elissa said.

Leliana's smile was so beautiful. It made Elissa's heart flutter, stoked the fire in her. "I'll tell you someday. For now..." She came up to capture Elissa's mouth in a kiss, tongue probing at her lips until Elissa let her in. She'd never kissed someone like this before, and it became increasingly obvious as she floundered, but Leliana didn't seem to care. She drank in everything Elissa allowed, and before long, Elissa was tugging at her shirt just as impatiently as Leliana had been with hers.

In one deft movement, Leliana rid herself of the offending fabric and pressed herself even closer than before, close enough that their breasts rubbed together. The feeling of Leliana's skin on hers... Elissa was glad Leliana swallowed any sounds she made.

"Leli...please..."

More Orlesian poured from her lips as she descended again. Her hand fell between them as she kissed and whispered, rubbing and teasing Elissa's thighs. Elissa could come just from this. Leliana's voice was so hot, her breath so warm, and Elissa was such a needy mess just from a few kisses.

"Fuck," Elissa moaned. "Leli, please...I need you. Please."

Leliana hooked a finger around the hem of her pants, and then slowly pulled them down off her hips. Elissa tried to shimmy her way out of them, but Leliana was being deliberate, and she wasn't getting out of her trousers any sooner than the bard wanted her to.

When they were finally gone, Leliana paused. She looked Elissa in the eyes, leaned down to kiss her stomach, and then beneath her bellybutton, and then a hip bone, purposely maintaining eye contact for every second of it. Elissa squirmed, bucked her hips in a silent plea for release. This was torture.

Another kiss, right above the tuft of hair. Another, right on it. Another, so close and yet so far away. Elissa forced her head lower, tangling back up in Leliana's hair, while Leliana forced her to spread her legs. Again, a pause despite Elissa's urgings. Everything she did was deliberate, intended to drive her crazy, and Maker, was she good at it.

And then, without warning, Leliana began to devour her. Elissa cried out in surprise and relief, hips twitching in delight. Now that she had her, Elissa wasn't going to let go, and with every lick, every stroke, Elissa thrusted into Leliana's mouth.

No one she'd been with at Highever could compare to this, man or woman. Leliana's tongue worked her in a way she'd never experienced. So soft, so hot. She felt so good.

It took everything Elissa had to not come when Leliana's fingers plunged into her. She thrusted in time with Elissa's erratic spasms, curved her fingers inside of her so deliciously. She'd never felt so fulfilled, so full, even with the gifted men she'd bedded. Leliana was so good at fucking, and Elissa was more than happy to let her work.

When she began hearing moans from Leliana, when she realized the bard was fucking them both at the same time, Elissa saw stars. She tumbled over the edge with a cry, grinding on Leliana's mouth wildly. Only, when Elissa was finished, Leliana didn't stop. Her tongue shot faster over that bundle of nerves, her fingers pressed into the rough patch harder. She came again, and again, and again, only being allowed off the hook when Leliana's own orgasm tore through her.

As they finally collapsed in a tangle of limbs, Leliana planted one gentle kiss on Elissa's cheek, whispered, "Je t'aime," and fell back asleep.

There was no question what she said. Elissa knew. Elissa understood, far better than she understood Aedan's decision from today, what Leliana meant, and while it terrified her, she never felt safer.

"I love you too."