Chapter 29 – Where were YOU?
A short moment later we pulled up out the front of Autobot quarters. The fire had died out and the lights had been turned off. Stuff was strewn about everywhere but that was future OC's problem.
Ironhide and Sideswipe had not long returned from their trip too and were heading in to recharge for the night. Rachet and Arcee had already turned in for the night. I got out of Jazz and looked around.
''I can't see him anywhere Jazz. Surely, he would have finished patrol hours ago. Where could he be? He isn't inside is he?'' I started to walk towards the hanger.
''No, he isn't OC.'' Jazz said softly, after consulting his internal tracking system that allowed him to know where his Autobot comrades were.
''Well? Where is he?'' I asked, slightly concerned.
Jazz gave a small smile. ''Where do you think he might be sitting at this time of the night under the stars?'' and with that he turned and walked inside.
Bee walked up to me and leant down to place a hand on my shoulder, he let out a few quiet beeps and whirs before allowing the words, ''You've got a friend in me,'' from that Toy movie to play softly on his radio.
I smiled up at Bee. ''Thanks Bee. I have missed you too,'' and I gave his servo a gentle pat. Bee patted my back and walked inside the hanger.
I took a deep breath and walked over to Relda, starting her engine up and slowly driving her down to ''our'' beach.
I had no sooner driven onto the familiar open grassy patch than I saw the imposing outline of a certain Autobot leader, seemingly lost in thought, casting his optics out to the moonlit waters. My heart skipped a beat and an unsettling feeling gnawed at my stomach. /What, why?/. I chose to ignore this feeling and squash it down as I brought Relda up to park beside Prime.
As I cut her engine and climbed onto her hood, very carefully mind you given I was still wearing my figure-hugging blue dress. As I did so I discarded my heels on the ground. Once I was sure I wasn't going to slip and embarrass myself, I lay down with my arms under my head.
Prime turned his regal helm to acknowledge me, ''OC,'' he nodded to me, his optics burning brightly. "What are you doing here at this late hour? Shouldn't you be in recharge by now?'' his voice held concern for me.
''I possibly should yes, but I wanted to come and check on you,'' I continued to stare up at my beautiful stars.
Prime simply blinked his optics and turned his gaze back to the moonlit waters. ''I thank you for your concern, but I assure you it is unnecessary. Did you enjoy your evening with everyone?''
A small smile spread across my face. ''Oh yeah it was great thanks, except everyone wasn't there.'' This time I turned my head to looked up at him accusingly. ''Where were you all night, why didn't you join us after your patrol ended?'' I couldn't prevent the slightly hurt tone of my voice from seeping out.
Prime regarded me for a moment, blinking his azure optics once. ''I am sorry OC. I thought Arcee would have relayed my message about being on patrol to…''
I interrupted him, ''allow us to enjoy each other's company and relax, yeah, I got it. And that you might show up after your patrol ended.'' I paused for a moment to try and tamper down the inexplicable anger rising in me. ''Prime, last time I checked, patrols were not scheduled to last from sundown to sunup, you usually get relieved after a few joors or have I missed something?'' I sat up and stared at him. ''You deliberately chose not to show up and join in the celebrations, didn't you,'' it was both a statement of fact and an accusation rolled into one.
Prime returned my gaze, ''Yes. I did OC.''
''Why?'' I pressed him. ''Why would you choose to isolate yourself from us when you have confided in me how you long to be able to put the mantel of Prime aside for a moment to simply 'be'?''
He didn't reply.
I pressed him further. ''I know you care a great deal for all of your team Prime, we are your family'', at this he turned his helm to look back out to the waters. ''Did you ever think that they see you the same way, that they want to spend time with you as well, but it is you who keeps us all at arm's length?''
Still no response. His broad shoulders started to tense, and his optics started searching the waters rapidly darting here and there. He was losing an internal battle of wills.
I closed my eyes and pressed even further /what have you got to lose?/. ''Tonight, was the perfect chance to unwind, get to know everyone better, let them get to know you and see more to you than the façade of a Prime.'' I folded my arms across my chest and stared pointedly at him. ''What are you so afraid of letting people see Optimus? What are you afraid will happen?''
That did it.
He rounded on me like a cobra poised to strike, barely contained anger and fear flashing in his optics, his voice, like thunder, rolled in waves that crashed down upon me, ''I am AFRAID of losing the will to go on as Prime, to do what must be done if I lose focus for a moment. I am AFRAID of losing those I care about. For millennia I have watched countless sparks under my command perish,'' his voice began to soften as his anger began to dissipate, and pain took its place. He tore his gaze away from mine and searched the darkness yet again. ''Growing closer to someone only causes you more pain - when you lose them OC.''
At this last comment he turned his optics towards me again. They were filled with such sadness and loss. I couldn't help but reach out for him. But he kept his distance. ''Attending the party tonight, though part of me really wanted to spend time with you all, I did not want to be reminded of what I could lose - of what I have lost already.'' His voice trailed off to a whisper.
''So,'' I replied, bringing my hand back by my side as Prime made no move towards me. ''You close yourself off from everyone to protect yourself and indirectly them, as an emotionally unattached Prime is a far better leader.''
Prime tilted his helm to the side slightly as he took my comment in. I gave a rueful smile and lay back down on Relda's hood, folding my arms underneath my head as pillows.
Changing tone and tact, I continued. ''You know, I have noticed something about you Optimus'', not waiting for a response from the Prime and with a thoughtful expression on my features, I simply continued. ''Your team, all the personnel here on base, more than likely every mech and femme you have ever encountered you see, they all worship you.'' Prime visibly flinched at my words. ''They have put you so high up on a pedestal as to be unattainable,'' I gave a small derisive snort, ''and no wonder given the distance you keep everyone at!''
At this Prime shifted uncomfortably on the spot, his gears and pistons hissing and grinding seeming to protest the accusation.
''They all think you are perfect and in a lot of ways, you are. You're wise, strong, noble, heroic - the list goes on,'' I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. Prime once again shifted uncomfortably in his spot beside me and made some sort of whirring noise as if about to brook his disagreement or embarrassment, but I was undeterred in my observation. I was not intimidated by ''The Prime''. "And they love you for it. But…" I went on unphased by his reactions, ''I don't buy it''.
At this Prime froze, his azure optics focused intently on me as I sat on the hood of Relda. ''You see Optimus, I think, no, I know you to be very much fallible and real and dare I say, all too human.'' At this I made a little chuckle at my own witty comparison.
I carefully rose to my feet and turned to face him, an air of seriousness descending over me once again. ''While you don't have many faults and failings, you do have them, I've seen them, everyone has them,'' the last was said with obvious self-derision. ''To think otherwise is ridiculous and dangerous. No one can possibly live up to the expectations of constant greatness as you are supposed to – as you make yourself try to.'' I gazed intently into Prime's optics, taking in his reactions.
Prime simply gazed back into my own brown and gold flecked eyes, seemingly mesmerised by a woman who spoke so brazenly to him. ''You don't deserve to be put on a pedestal, no one does.'' The gentle breeze tugged at my long strands of black hair with red highlights, my eyes shone with an unnamed and raw emotion. I placed my hand over my heart. ''You Optimus Prime, deserve to be held here,'' and I reverently patted the spot over my heart.
Prime flinched and drew a sharp intake of air into his vents, a learned human trait of expressing shock. Of all the things I might have said to him in that moment, THAT was certainly not what he expected. For the first time in the longest time, Prime seemed to be at a loss as to what to say. His dermas went to move but nothing came out, his optics blinked rapidly.
/Touched a nerve I'd say/, I thought amusingly to myself.
Noticing Optimus' apparent awkwardness, and the late hour, I spoke up, taking pity on him, using humour to defuse the situation. I let out a laugh and shook my head, ''It's okay Big Guy, it's not like I was proposing to you or anything!'' This only seemed to fluster the great Prime even more, /imagine if he knew about the conversation Chase and I had the other night!/.
I chuckled out loud and waved to Prime, ''Well Optimus, I'm glad you are relatively ok. It was good to see you. I'm off to check my eyelids for light leaks'… and just in case you are unsure as to what that means, I'm off to recharge.''
This sudden change in topic snapped Prime out of his stupor and he automatically and wordlessly lowered his servo, offering a lift to the ground. I accepted the offer and climbed aboard, holding onto one of his digits. It felt good to have a connection with him again, however brief.
I gracefully stepped down off Prime's servo, picked up my shoes and opened Relda's door, clambering in and starting the engine. I was about to drive back towards my apartment and a comatose Chase when I heard the sound of gears and pistons moving.
The giant Autobot leader crouched down beside my car next to my window, his unmistakable voice rumbling to life. ''Thank you OC. As usual, your insight and honesty, both humbles, honours and - challenges me.'' Prime held my gaze, his optics burning brightly with affection. ''And I confess, it was good to see you too, however brief. I do enjoy your company – very much.'' He inclined his head in silent thanks and farewell.
I gave him a huge grin, my eyes lighting up, ''My pleasure Optimus, night!'' and with that I drove off into the early morning shadows, leaving a very quiet and contemplative Prime alone with his thoughts.
