CAEB Part IV - The Cross He Bears.

Chapter 8 -Race Against Time

"Hey." Steve greeted, cheerily.

"Hey Cap." Tony replied, offering a small smile and a rare glance away from his work.

It was Tony's first day back in the lab after the most recent incident. Pepper had been keeping away from everyone for the last few days so he could recover in peace. Things were going along with the training and preparation but there was a definite mood of uncertainty and shock in the tower thanks to the revelation about Howard, which was not good for moral. Neither was the fact that Clint had smashed the countdown clock after the meeting saying it was a fucking stupid idea and if he's sees it put back up he'll set it on fire.

"You need anything?" Steve asked. It wasn't far off lunch time and in terms of their list of priorities, maintaining Tony's blood sugar level was listed as urgent and ongoing.

"No, I'm well stocked." Tony answered amicably, gesturing at a full stocked mini fridge, and pulling open a draw full of copious amounts of sugary snacks.

"I wanted to have a chat if you're up to it?" Steve approached cautiously.

"Yeah you and everyone else." Tony scoffed a little bitterly.

"I'm sorry Tony, if it's a bad time…" Steve spoke calmly, trying not to rile up the Engineer on his first day back to relative normalcy.

"No Cap its ok, I'm just being an ass." Tony sighed. "I realize I've been doing that a lot recently."

"Everybody handles stress differently and hell, I don't think there is anyone on the planet who has had to deal with more stress than you."

"Yeah I know. Some people yell and scream, some get hammered, Howard got hammered and pushed his children down the stairs." Tony shrugged nonchalantly.

"Tony, man, don't do that." Steve pleaded.

"Do what?" Tony sighed.

"Dismiss what happened to you so damn indifferently." Steve said incredulously. "You act like it was completely normal for someone to treat their child like that, like it doesn't even bother you - hell sometimes I wonder if you think you deserved it." Steve shook his head.

"Maybe I did." Tony said quietly, it was low enough for Steve to wonder if it had been intended to be heard or not, but Tony knew about his super-hearing, so he made a judgment.

"Tony, I think you know that you didn't, that you don't, that you never will deserve it."

Tony sighed, rubbing his face in his hand before replying. "Passing stuff off like that Cap - it's the only way I can deal with it. I have to convince myself it's no big deal otherwise it becomes a big deal and I can't cope with the fact I'm actually broken."

"I know it may feel like it, Tony, but you're not broken - or not in a way that can't be fixed. And what you're doing, it's a very short-term way of dealing with things." Steve reasoned.

"Well it's worked for thirty years." Tony grunted.

"Has it?" The Captain challenged.

"Not really." Tony admitted. "But just adds to my quirky personality." Tony smiled wryly, and Steve chuckled.

"That it does." Steve said, not really sure where to go from here. "I accept that right now, Tony, there really isn't time to try anything, but I need to know - we need to know - why you are hurting yourself?" Tony sighed, but offered no answer. "Is it a coping thing, or a cry for help? Because I realize we kind of just decided to leave you be and not push the issues and that we'd work on fixing it after the battle, but if you need help now, you have it Tony and I'm sorry if we alienated you by doing what we did."

Tony shook his head. "Honestly Steve, it's not as simple as giving a reason to why I do it. Most of the time I don't know why, it just - happens. Sometimes it's the anxiety;" he admitted, "when it gets bad and I can't cope, the pain of a cut or a burn is stronger, and it makes it go away for a second. Sometimes it's an honest accident, but I don't heal it because I deserve it for being so stupid."

"Tony…"

"I know Steve, I know I don't deserve it, logically anyway, but when I'm in that headspace reason means jack shit. Now and again yes, it is to punish myself." He admitted.

"The machine?" Steve asked, knowingly.

"Yeah," Tony nodded, "I just… it's like the damn thing is omniscient and laughing at me,." He scoffed. "It keeps lulling me into a false sense of hope and then breaking for no apparent reason."

Steve closed his eyes in sympathy. "I can't even start to understand what you're up against, but is there a better way?" He asked. "I mean, I know you can't actually hurt yourself long term with the CAEB, but it doesn't do much for our peace of mind, not that it's about us…"

"Steve you don't need to tiptoe around me." Tony cut him off. "You're not going to offend me and if you've got the wrong end of the stick I will tell you."

"Ok." Steve sighed. "I guess all I really want to know is how can we help you Tony?"

"There's nothing - I mean apart from the machine there is nothing left that's causing me this stress." Tony huffed.

"But if the machine was done and finished and everything was ready can you honestly tell me you'd be one hundred percent ok, back to normal?" Steve pried, knowingly.

"Honestly… probably not." Tony conceded.

"So, bearing that in mind and bearing in mind the machine isn't done and given the situation we're in… how can we support you now?" Steve tried again.

"You've all got enough on your plates." Tony shrugged. "I'll be fine."

"No Tony, we have time." The Captain said firmly.

"I don't know Steve." Tony sighed and his words were honest. The Engineer looked truly defeated and he didn't have the answers or a way out.

"I get that. I do." Steve nodded. "No pressure, but next time you're in that state, just have a think what would help and let us know ok?" Steve asked kindly.

"Yeah, yeah sure." Tony smiled weakly.

Steve patted the Engineer on the shoulder and made a move towards the exit. "And Tony…"

"Hmmm." Tony looked up again, already only half paying attention as he delved back into his work. "What?"

"You're are the bravest person I've ever met Tony Stark. And you're the best of all of us."

Tony opened his mouth to say something, anything, to protest, to tell Steve he was an idiot, to make some snide comment that would likely start a fight… but he had nothing. Just awe and disbelief as Steve disappeared.

"How many suits do you need Tony?" Clint said, staring in disbelief.

"These aren't suits Feathers they're drones."

Tony had been busy splitting his work between the ever-present Step 1 - the damn machine; Steps 5,6 - CAEB control and Armor upgrades, and finally he'd got around to Step 7 - creating more soldiers. But of course these weren't just any soldiers, they were soldiers with a purpose.

"I thought you didn't do drones." Clint scowled prodding the head of the drone Tony was working and quickly catching it as it nearly toppled off. There was a loud clatter as a few small and intricate looking components fell to the floor and Clint frantically tried to gather them up and replace the head on the armor.

"Just put it down before you break anything else birdbrain." Tony chuckled, and Barton was incredibly glad Tony was in a good mood. Actually, he had been in a good mood a lot lately and it was a very nice change. "They're a taskforce dedicated to protecting civilians above all else, and providing us with emergency back up and ammunition when called."

"Your own private bodyguards."

"Our bodyguards." Tony corrected. "And they are also going to protect the hubs. What's the point in me putting in all the work to create the damn things if the enemy just destroy them?"

"Valid point." Clint agreed. "So, you'll be controlling these too?" A little concerned at how much concentration that would take.

"Nope." Tony smiled and glanced upwards.

"I will have that pleasure Agent Barton."

"Wow, so J is joining the fight!" Clint smiled.

"I will not be fighting if I can avoid it agent Barton."

"He's going through a pacifist phase." Tony scoffed.

"Logic dictates that conflict is never the best resolution to a problem."

"Yeah, whatever Spock you'll be suiting up with the rest of us so get over it." Tony jibed.

"When will they be ready?"

"Just finished the programming, manufacture will take us up to the day unfortunately, but they will be ready."

"Awesome, you free for lunch?"

"Where there's food there's me." Tony chuckled. "I'll be up once I've finished reattaching this poor thing's head after you decapitated it."

"Sorry." Clint called back into the room and the elevator doors slid shut.

Tony had been better. Better than he had been in years. Better than he had been in as long as he could remember and even though he had this whole, huge, overwhelming battle looming over him - the potential end of everything he knew and loved in fact - he felt like a weight had been lifted.

Of course, that initial feeling of weightlessness hadn't lasted as long as he'd hoped it would. Everyone had been asking him how he was, and the first few times he'd answered them honestly, because he knew they only asked because they cared, and he cared about them too. Hell, he could even admit now that he loved them all like family - even Steve, he chuckled to himself. But after a while it had definitely started playing on his nerves and by the evening he had definitely had enough.

He had locked himself in the lab, made improvements to the machine and set another simulation going, one that if it didn't work he was going to lose his shit. He had made the final tweaks to the soldiers and practically invented a new type of smart retroreflective panel and installed them into his suit. He could now fly around in his favorite red and gold colors and go invisible or hell, even change the paint job whenever the fuck he wanted. If he was going down in this fight he was going to go down looking like the $5 billion this damn thing had cost him to make.

This suit was the most advanced thing he had ever created yet carried less weapons of all but the mark 2. He had enough to defend himself and blow massive great holes in the enemy but there was one major difference nowadays. He was the weapon, not the suit - him.

The exoskeleton had been perfected and integrated into the suit's mainframe and he had nearly checked the final item off the list when Thor walked in.

"Tony…"

"If you're going to ask if I'm ok Pointbreak you can fuck off, cos I ain't talking."

"That is not what I am here about."

"Good." Tony huffed. He hadn't meant to be so offensive… well actually he had - he wasn't in the mood for sharing any more feelings; he was drained, his emotional tank was empty, and he had nothing left to talk about save the fact he was so damn sick of people asking him how he was. But anyway, that apparently wasn't why Thor was here.

"Though I would like to say, if I may, that telling us of your past, was incredibly courageous and I am honored that you trust us… trust me with such secrets of your life."

"Well gee, thanks Pointbreak." Tony said sincerely. That made a refreshing change. Of course, Pepper had said it, Rhodes hadn't shut up about how proud he was of Tony and Bruce had showered him in praise, but he had not expected it from Thor.

"When we last spoke alone, you suggested a trip to Asgard to inform the smiths of your suggested improvements." Thor continued.

"That was a joke Thor."

"I had gathered." Thor confirmed. "Regardless I think it a good idea."

"Good idea? Thor…" Tony sighed. "For one thing, there isn't time now, the weapons will be made and all that and secondly, and don't get me wrong, I'm sure Asgard is great and all, and your Father too, but last time I was on your planet it wasn't much fun for me." Thor's stomach sank. After all that had happened in the year after the battle, he too had forgotten much of what the Avenger had been through. "And your Brother is there as well and yes, he helped get me out and all, but I'm not even going to pretend to like him since this was all his fault in the first place…" Tony rambled.

"I apologize." Thor nodded. "I did not think of these particular connotations to your visit."

"Yeah, well no biggy, I'll just write a note."

"Before you make up your mind Stark…"

"Kind of already have." Tony quipped.

"My Mother has requested to meet you." Thor finished forcefully.

"Your Mother?" Tony asked intrigued.

"Yes."

"She helped me, right? Or helped you to help me anyhow."

"Yes, she did. She is a talented sorcerer; it is from her that Loki learned his tricks."

"Not selling it Thor." Tony scoffed playfully.

"Of course." Thor nodded, getting back on track. "The point is she thinks her grasp of Magic may make her able to assist you in understanding your own powers and improving your control."

"So, you want to turn Asgard into a Hogwarts for CAEB possessing Billionaires… and who would she be, Dumbledore? Or would it be McGonagall because she's a woman?" Tony contemplated.

"I do not understand…" Thor started, perplexed. He often avoided conversation with the Iron Avenger for this very reason.

"How have we not introduced you and Steve to Harry Potter yet?" Tony asked incredulously. "J add it to the list!"

"Yes Sir,"

"Stark I…"

"No sweat Pointbreak I'll think it over."

"Thank you Stark, I believe this could very well be to your benefit."

"I'll consider it. No promises."

"That is all I ask. I hope your work goes well." Thor said politely and took his leave.

"You know what I don't even care, I'm stooping to this level." Tony begged. "Please, please, please God let this work. I'll sell everything I own and put on a priest collar, spend the rest of my days kissing your celestial ass, just please let this work!" Tony yelled at the ceiling. He knew this was very, very, very desperate, but he was very, very, very desperate. He didn't know how many more failed simulations he could take.

Tony took a deep breath, flicking a couple of switches and then clicked 'run' on the screen. He stared at the screen for the best part of 6 hours, before the inevitable happened.

"Simulation failed."

Tony let his head fall onto the desk heavily. He couldn't take this. He couldn't take any more of this. If he didn't do this, it was over. They were all going to die, and it would be his fault.

"I'm sorry Sir." Jarvis said sincerely, far more empathy in his synthetic voice than should be possible, but Tony had stopped being surprised by the depth of his AI since he'd seen his true form with the CAEB.

"Not your fault J," Tony sighed. He wanted the pain; he needed the pain. He turned his head so his cheek was resting the desk and he could see around the room. There wasn't anything within reach that could do the sort of damage he was considering inflicting on himself and despite his desperation for a reprieve, he didn't have the will to go and search for something. The one thing that was in reach, was his phone, so he picked it up and dialed.

"Tony?" Bruce's voice cut through the room a few moments later as the Physicist stepped out the elevator and approached the limp Billionaire who was still laid on his desk.

"Bruce." Tony sighed and sat up slowly.

"Are you ok? What's wrong?"

"Movie night."

"What?" Bruce asked, concerned and confused in equal measure.

"I need a movie night." Tony asked, eyes meeting his in a silent plea.

Bruce glanced at the screen, looked at the way Tony's hands were shaking slightly and most of all saw the river of pain running through his hazelnut eyes and his face darkened momentarily as he understood.

"Movie night. Sure." Bruce smiled softly. "Come on." He put a hand on Tony's shoulder and guided the exhausted Engineer to his feet. "I'll round up the others. What do you want to watch?"

"I don't… I don't care I just…"

"I know Tony. I know." Bruce soothed.

"What's going on?" Steve asked Natasha softly. "Did someone call a meeting."

"Bruce called a movie night." Natasha explained.

"But Movie nights are Tuesdays?"

"Yes."

"It's Saturday?" Steve frowned.

"Yes, it is. But he's bringing Tony up from the lab. Something's off."

Steve was about to ask what but at that moment the elevator doors slid open and Bruce stepped out with Tony tight by his shoulder, looking incredibly on edge. It was written on the Engineer's face plain as day and Steve was a little taken aback; not only by the fact Tony was letting it show so readily, but the fact he was here at all. It meant he must have asked for help. It made Steve smile slightly, until he took another look and saw how shattered and vulnerable Tony appeared right now.

"Right. Well, I believe it's Nat's turn to choose tonight." Steve said, trying to establish an air of normalcy.

"Pass." Nat sighed and pointed at Clint. "Forfeit to Clint, I can't deal with him whining all the way through again."

"I believe Sir added the Harry Potter series as next on the 'watch list'." Jarvis chipped in.

"Oh my God of course, how did we miss showing you guys that?" Clint threw his arms in the air, but Tony shook his head.

"Not tonight J. Clint picks." Tony said quietly, and the others tried not to give him more attention than he was comfortable with in this state.

Tony wanted to be with them, really with them when Steve and Thor saw Harry Potter for the first time. He wanted to be able to laugh genuinely at their inevitable stupid questions and tease them for it and see the look on their faces and he was capable of none of that in is current state.

"Yes!" The Archer started whizzing through movies on the screen, frantically trying to decide on one. "Yes, you'll all love this. It's got dragons!"

"Here we go." Natasha rolled her eyes aloud.

"Hey quit moaning, you forfeited." Clint threw a handful of popcorn at Natasha who just picked it off her shirt, piece by piece and ate it.

"So I did, and I knew I'd regret it." She sighed.

"Shh it's starting." Steve asked, and everyone fell silent.

It took a good hour for Tony to start interacting with them, it was on the second film he seemed more like his usual self; he and Clint arguing like an old married couple, making jokes, largely at the expense of Steve or Thor. But by the end of How to Train your Dragon 2, strangely, Tony was fast asleep on Bruce's shoulder.

"I'll take him to his room." Steve nodded as everyone started making for bed and Bruce nodded gratefully. His shoulder had been numb for a good half hour now and as much as he didn't want to wake Tony, he was getting slightly worried he was going to lose an arm.

Tony stirred as Steve took hold of him, eyes opening he looked the Captain in the face briefly but seemed to decide that he couldn't be bothered to protest or was just too tired to fight it. He closed his eyes again and relaxed.

They weren't far from Tony's room when Tony tapped him on the shoulder wanting to be put down.

"You good?" Steve asked with no insinuation.

"Yeah just wiped."

"Bruce noticed." Steve grinned. "Think you owe him a new arm."

Tony chuckled a little. "Night Rogers. Thanks for the lift." He said, turning to leave.

"Tony?" Steve asked, stopping him.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for going to Bruce." He said sincerely.

"Yeah well we all know I can't carry on like this," he sighed. "And I don't want to carry on like this anymore." He said, as if realizing it for the first time.

"It's really god to hear that Tony." Steve smiled, and it as; in fact, Steve could hardly believe it. "You know what screw that; Stark I'm proud of you." Tony raised his eyebrows but said nothing. "I made a snap judgement when we first met," Steve continued, "and even though I thought I'd got past it, I was still judging you months later and I made so many damn mistakes because of that. One thing I realize now, and even if you never realized it yourself, is that you – Tony Stark - are the best of us all. I said it the other day and I meant it, and I'm sorry for all the crap I put you through. I'm here if you need me, we all are, in whatever way you need us. I hope someday you can learn to trust me again." Steve finished sadly.

"It's not often people can admit that they were wrong Cap." Tony said sincerely. "And I appreciate that more than you know. And I do trust you. I trust all of you, I never would have told you those things if I didn't."

"Thank you, Tony."

"No, thank you Cap." Tony nodded.

"Now get some rest."

The next morning Tony blinked at the screen in disbelief.

Simulation failed.

Those were the words he had read last night and nearly lost the will to live… even more… whatever.

Simulation reached 93% completion.

Those were the words he hadn't seen and oh my God… This was amazing!

93%... that was an 6% jump on the last one. 6%. If he managed that one more time… This was great. He'd been so taken up in another failure last night that he hadn't realized the breakthrough he'd actually made. So, rerouting the power had worked, now surely the final calibrations would prevent the premature failure and lift off. He had nothing else left to do now, just one final push to the finish. He could do this.

He was Tony Goddamn Stark, and he was going to fucking do this!