A/N: song for the chapter - daughter by sleeping at last

tw: this chapter holds mentions of sexual assault


When Sabbath day came at the end of the week, Padmé thought it to be a great opportunity to get Leia away from her responsibility and out into the polluted atmosphere of Coruscant.

Granted — taking Leia away from her duty proved to be one of the hardest tasks of her life because the princess didn't seem to grasp the concept of a day off. When Padmé came to fetch her in the Falcon, she found Han alone there, and upon asking about her daughter's whereabouts, the smuggler gave her a dirty look and scoffed at her face.

"Leia? Taking a day off?" Han had prompted, mocking Padmé for apparently such a stupid question. "Good luck with that."

Determined to prove Han wrong, above everything else, Padmé set out to fetch Leia, and she would drag the princess out by the wrist if necessary.

It hadn't been, although Padmé had put into practice her rhetorical skills as she spent a good fifteen minutes simply watching Leia ignore her as she tried to convince her to take the day off. Padmé even tempted her with the prospect of them getting ice cream, only to be ridiculed by the princess.

"Who do you think I am, Luke?!" Leia had belittled her and her brother at the same time. "Your little tricks might work with him, but it takes me more than the promise of an ice cream treat to maneuver me."

Padmé had laughed, while still trying to defend herself, "Luke was the one to ask to go out for ice cream. I myself was very against the idea of us — him — having seven cups of ice cream for lunch."

In response, Leia had rolled her eyes at her brother. "You see — that's exactly why we were so keen on keeping Luke away from ice cream for as long as we could. He's become miserable ever since you let him wander off and try it for the first time. It's the only thing he talks about!"

All things considered, Luke did seem to be a little too eager regarding such a simple dessert, but Padmé found his excitement over the smallest things too precious to say anything. And a malefic part of her overly enjoyed watching him tell Ameera about how he had tried ice cream from her homeworld, only to have her look at him dead in the eyes and say, "I've never even been to Ryloth," and have Luke's entire world collapse around him.

Which wasn't true at all — Padmé was acutely aware that Ameera had been born and spent the majority of her teen years in Ryloth, but the look of defeat taking over Luke's features had been too amusing for her to reprimand Ameera.

Despite the dramatics of the galactical event known as Luke Skywalker's first taste of ice cream, Padmé accomplished to get Leia out of the headquarters, with the promise that they wouldn't be out too long and Leia would be back to get at least half a day of work done — a promise that, all things considered, Padmé didn't mind breaking at all.

Feeling like she wouldn't be doing motherhood right if she didn't equally spoil her children, Padmé set out the pretense that she needed new clothes, considering that her clothes as Paz Naminé didn't do justice to the Padmé name — which was somehow accurate — and Padmé took Leia to a fancy shop in the busy districts of Coruscant.

Padmé took in the opportunity to look at some dresses for herself — after all, leaving there empty-handed would leave Leia suspicious of her ulterior motives, although Padmé had been convinced that Leia called her bluff the moment Padmé suggested it, and had simply been too attentive to go with it.

Still, Padmé couldn't help but discreetly smile as she noticed Leia fiddling around the dresses in the corner of her eyes. Ever so innocently, the mother suggested, "Why don't you try it on? I think you would look good on it."

And both mother and daughter eventually followed together to the dressing room. Padmé left the store with three new dresses, while Leia contented herself with just one, which Padmé insisted on paying despite Leia's evident embarrassment over such a frivolous thing.

Padmé knew that she didn't have to, that Leia was a wealthy princess well off for the rest of her life. Still, she wanted to; she wanted to reclaim the triviality of buying her daughter a gift for the sole reason that she wanted to. And if Leia didn't return to her normal color for hours to come, then so be it.

If the only lasting bumps in her relationship with her daughter resolved around Leia becoming uncomfortable over the simple aspect of her mother buying her a nice dress, then Padmé happily welcomed the rest of her life.

Now, and for the actual important part of their — Padmé's — day, the two women stood outside a fancy apartment complex in the Senate district, where Padmé Amidala had once resided during her terms as the appointed Senator from Naboo. For several minutes, Padmé simply stood in front of the entrance door, wondering if she was ready to open the door to her past as well as to her future. And the worst was — she didn't even know if the penthouse was still on her name! She had yet to find the courage to seek out her relatives in Naboo and fully establish her life both as Amidala and Naberrie, and she had no guarantees that somebody else hadn't moved into the apartment she had once called home.

Leia offered her all the space she needed, not once saying anything, or even looking directly at her. More than anybody, Leia recognized the importance of personal space, as well as taking things on their own tempo, rather than being pressured into hurrying by outsiders. Padmé had always given Leia the time and the space she needed to cope with the burdens of her past; it was time Leia did the same.

Only when Padmé's eyes drifted from the door towards the biometric scanner that she dared to say something.

"I guess this is it, then."

Even so, Padmé did not bring herself to move.

Wanting to support her as much as she could, Leia stepped to her side, their shoulders gently brushing.

"So your plan is to just," Leia prompted, "Try to have your biometrics scanned, and if it works, good. If it doesn't—"

"We'll just run away as fast as we can before we set off the alarms," Padmé replied levelly, trying to sound as natural as possible.

Leia chuckled at her tone. "Can you even — run as fast as you can?"

Padmé turned her head sideways to give the princess a dirty look. "Are you calling me old?"

Leia held her hands up in the air. "I'm just saying, what was the last time you actually ran away from peril as if your life depended on it?"

"Yesterday night, when Ameera thought it would be funny to place a huge bitz bug under my covers and gave me the startle of my life."

This time, Leia's snort was loud. "Where did she even find a bitz bug?"

Padmé sighed profoundly. "I know better than to ask Ameera any questions that would encourage her behavior by now."

"Do you think she has any to spare?" Leia asked, out of the blue, "I'd love to put one under Luke's pillow."

Padmé reprimanded the daughter with a piercing glare. "I will not encourage you to bully your brother either, Leia."

Leia simply shrugged; she was a resourceful person, she absolutely had the means to torment her brother if she wanted to, and Padmé knew as much.

"That's okay," she said, "Luke being aware that we're having a great day out without him is already tormenting him enough."

Padmé rolled her eyes, although that much was true. Earlier that day, when she was having breakfast with her son and mentioned to him that she intended to take Leia out for the day, the sudden jealousy on his face was evident, and Padmé had been forced to hold her sneer back. He even dared to ask if he could tag along, but when she explained that it was a girls day only, his poorly hidden disappointment was ludicrous, and just one other reason why she loved him so much.

Still, the mother in her couldn't help but lecturing, "Be nice to your brother," and Leia scoffed in return.

Padmé forced herself to take a deep breath before taking one step ahead. One step ahead, and that was enough for her to get cold feet again as her eyes returned to the front door again.

"Padmé," this time, Leia didn't allow her to brood in silence. "May I speak freely?"

"I have a feeling that you will nonetheless."

Leia wouldn't — but since she had already gotten permission, she dared, "You would save yourself a lot of anxiety if you reached out to them."

Padmé frowned. "Them?!"

"Your family," Leia clarified, even if she knew that Padmé understood who she was talking about and was stalling. "You're about to open a door to your past that you never got to close yourself, and I understand the amount of unsolved issues your death brought. But Padmé… When your family has you coming back from the dead, I promise you nothing else will matter."

Padmé bit down on her lips hard, listening to her daughter's words and wishing that she could take them to heart.

Instead—

"I'm not anxious," she snapped, and as if to prove herself — and make most of the sudden boost of courage — she walked towards the scanner, pointed her eyes at it, and waited with her heart pounding in her chest for the two seconds that it took to recognize her. After that, she could almost breathe again.

Bracing herself, Padmé slid the door open, and she was face to face with her past once more. She stepped inside, Leia following close behind.

"Time seemed to freeze around here," Padmé commented to herself, slowly walking around the apartment, her fingers running across every dusty surface she came across. "Nothing's changed. It's just like I left it."

Leia nodded, finding a counter where she dropped the bags with their new dresses. "It's a beautiful place."

"It was, it really was," Padmé said distractedly, and every corner she looked at brought her a different memory from her past; memories of her handmaidens, memories of Anakin, memories of her pregnancy. She saw those memories clearly, like they were happening in front of her very eyes, and not even time would dare to disturb them.

Leia couldn't fail to notice that Padmé had abruptly changed the verb tense to the past, and suddenly that place started to weigh around her. She could feel so much love there, she felt — so much life. That had been the place in which love and life once blossomed, and not even the tricks of time were powerful enough to erase the print those feelings had left there.

She and Luke were supposed to grow up together here, she thought to herself, her hand pressed against the wall as she allowed the feelings of belonging to consume her. Padmé was supposed to have her happily ever after here.

She closed her eyes as the feelings depleted her — there was still time.

So, she said, "It still is."

Padmé chuckled nervously, forced to agree.

"Hey, Padmé?"

She heard her name being called, but it took her a few seconds to leave her trance and find her daughter amidst the hollowness of the apartment.

"Did you ever set up a baby room?"

The question caught her so off guard — and she couldn't help but smile widely at Leia's sudden interest.

"I didn't, no," she said regrettably, slowly walking back to the spot by the entrance that Leia had found for herself. "There might be some baby stuff around, but… I wanted to raise you in Naboo. Somewhere where you could feel the brush and nature and where you could run and be free. Not here."

Leia smiled sadly, once more being struck with a wave of rage directed at the cruelty of the universe for having taken it all away from Padmé.

"I can sense how much Naboo means to you."

Padmé nodded, resting her elbow over a dusty balcony in front of Leia. "It means a lot."

"Which brings me back to the question," Leia looked at her intently, and the swift change of her tone was enough to make Padmé scowl. "Why haven't you reached out to your family?!"

She sighed exaggeratedly, resting her head over the palm of her hand. "Are you going to yell at me again?" she asked, reminiscing the time Leia nearly lost it at the dinner table because she couldn't accept Padmé's dread of finding her family.

Leia shrugged. "Not yet."

Padmé scoffed, the princess's answer not surprising her in the slightest.

"Okay, picture this," Padmé started, "How would you feel if your parents, Bail and Breha, were alive? That you spent the last four years grieving for them in vain?"

"Padmé," Leia said softly, somehow uncomfortable with the question. "You know that there's nothing I wish more than to have my parents back with me."

"I understand that, and I respect that, but Leia — you aren't hearing my question," she imposed, "How would you feel if you came to learn your parents were alive, and purposefully hid themselves from you under the pretense that you'd be kept safe, and instead you were all alone in the immensity of the galaxy?"

"Padmé, you're not hearing me," Leia stood her ground. "If my parents were to unexpectedly walk through that door right now, when I thought they were dead and gone forever, I'd welcome them with open arms. No, I would physically throw myself over them and hug them so tightly and just allow myself to be in their embrace one more time. What you're suggesting — in the rare occasions that I have good dreams, that's all I dream about."

Padmé swallowed hard, feeling a little guilty that she would open up this door of emotions from Leia. At the same time — she was happy that the princess finally felt comfortable enough next to her to open up.

"All right. But what about afterward? Once you've settled in, once you've grown adjusted to this new life with them again. It's only reasonable that you'd become angry at the pain they've put you through. You can't pretend there would be only happiness and eagerness there. "

"Yes, I can," Leia said harshly, "Padmé, I don't — I don't think you understand the pain of losing someone unexpectedly, without having the chance to say goodbye. Of course, you lost your children before you even met them, and I don't mean at all to diminish the pain that event brought you, but — you never met them, Padmé. Meanwhile, your parents, your sister, all those people that unconditionally loved you, they had to bury you without ever saying goodbye, barely able to understand why they were burying you. That's a kind of wound that — doesn't heal. No matter how much time it passes by, it might get easier to breathe, but the pain is always there, lurking in the shadows, and it strikes you in the most unexpected moments. And what I need you to understand is that, no matter what happened, once your family sees you again, there will only be joy there. Only joy."

Padmé watched Leia with a tight heart; burdened that her daughter had come to be so wise at such a young age, when all she ever wanted was for her children to have the innocence of their youth preserved.

The war had taken it all from them. Vader took it all from them.

"The little things are the hardest, you know?" Leia continued to speak once Padmé became lost in her silence; by then, her voice had become hoarse. "The other day, I found myself stuck with the question, what would my parents think of Han? Would they lose their mind over him or would they accept Han despite his troubled past and his butchered lineage? Those little things — they hurt the most, because I'm never getting that. I'll never see my father losing his mind at the prospect of my dating choices, and I'll never have my mother giving me her blessing when I tell her that he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'd do anything to have this again, because the little things are worth incredibly more than the grandiose."

Somewhere during her words, her vision had become blurry. Leia forced herself to calm down.

"There's still time for you to make up for all the little things that were stolen from them."

Padmé was thankful that Leia didn't say — all the little things that Padmé stole from them. In moments like this, words made all the difference, and Leia knew as much.

Clearing her throat, Padmé took one cautious step towards Leia. "Your father was an honorable man, Leia. He defined people by their characters, not by their blood."

Leia scoffed lightly. "Yeah. Pretty sure those standards might differ when your daughter comes marching home with a smuggler in tow."

Although Padmé laughed, her laugh was contained. "Granted, but — your father would have come around eventually. Your mother would have knocked some sense into him."

Leia smiled; yes, that was the kind of woman her mother had been.

"I don't appreciate you trying to shift the conversation from yourself, by the way," Leia warned, her voice very serious.

Although Padmé rolled her eyes, it came from a good place. "I will reach out to them, alright? I promise. Not — immediately, no, I'd like to properly settle things around here before I make any contact with them, but… I will. I promise."

A little content with how the conversation had ended, Leia offered her a strong nod of approval.

"And — can I be a little bold?"

Leia looked down on her and quoted her words from before, "I have a feeling that you will either way."

"I think you made a perfect choice for yourself," Padmé said, ignoring Leia's sassy remark. "Han, I mean. You are his entire world, and he makes sure that the world knows as much. Above all, he makes you happy, and it's beautiful to see how you light up when you're next to him. If you're wondering, because of your lineage, because of your parents, whether Han is the right choice? Well, he is. I love Han, I approve Han, Han goes out of his way to make sure you know how much love he has for you, and — had your parents stuck around to see this for themselves, they would have loved and approved Han, too."

"You're right," Leia said, eyes looking up so her emotions wouldn't start getting the best of her. "That was very bold of you."

Padmé nodded; she had expected as much. "But was it worth it?"

Pressing her lips together, her answer took a while to come.

"Yeah. I think — I think I wanted to hear that more than I knew."

Padmé gently placed her hand in Leia's arm as a single tear ran down Leia's cheek.

"Come on, happy thoughts," Padmé said, squeezing her arm, "This is supposed to be a happy day."

Leia choked a laugh, before agreeing with her head.

"I am happy," she said, both girls starting to walk side by side to further investigate the apartment. "As I said — it's the little things. They strike out of nowhere, and it's like I can't remember ever being happy."

Padmé nodded, her eyes studying every little detail of what was once her home while listening attentively to her daughter. "Have you — Have you ever considered talking to someone? Professionally, I mean. You don't have to suffer alone, Leia, and maybe they could help you."

"Hm," Leia agreed absently, her eyes and mind rather focused on a painting on the wall. "I did see someone. After the battle of Yavin. Mon Mothma — well, she always felt like she had an obligation of looking after me, ever since the catastrophe, and I do appreciate it. She made me see a therapist, to help me cope both with Alderaan and the Death Star, but… Well, it's hard to connect with someone with whom your pain isn't tangible, but only a concept. I don't know how to trust someone who has never understood pain."

From the opposite side of the room, Padmé compressed her lips in a thin line, thinking. "You have to remind yourself, Leia, that you're the patient. A therapist can't be expected to burden you with their personal matters, not when you're already struggling too much to carry your own burden."

Leia's throat became very dry.

"It was just a suggestion, anyway," Padmé said, "Therapy doesn't necessarily work for all people, what matters is that you find a healthy way to cope with your personal tragedies. I just — I hate seeing you like this, Leia."

Leia shivered, feeling very vulnerable under her words.

"I know," she agreed in a small voice. "I don't very much enjoy being like this, either. But I manage."

Padmé sighed, unsure of what else she could say.

"I thought this was a happy day," Leia protested, finally turning on her back to look at Padmé again. "Where we're supposed to only talk about happy things."

Shrugging, Padmé judged herself capable of putting matters of the heart aside for the time being.

"Actually, there is something I've been meaning to ask you, regarding Han," Padmé swiftly changed the subject as Leia gazed at her with interest. "Is it true? About Han being frozen in carbonite?"

Of course, she already knew it to be true — Han had told her himself, while proceeding to say that that story mostly belonged to Leia, not him; after all, he had spent the entirety of it safely hibernating. So, she asked Leia.

"Oh yeah. My daddy dearest invited us to a dinner party and when he didn't like my boyfriend, he decided to break us apart by freezing him in carbonite and hoping he would die in the process.

Padmé gazed at her with horror in her eyes, her jaw fallen down. When Leia scoffed at her reaction, she was forced to swallow her backlash and pretend it had never happened at all.

"I'm joking — mostly," Leia said, then shivered to herself. "That was essentially what happened. Han and I were walking to dinner when we were caught by Vader's ambush, and things went downhill from there. He took Han away, tortured him, didn't even ask him questions," she took a deep breath in, looking down on her feet. "Vader — wanted Luke, so he hurt Han so Luke would come back to save him. And… He made me watch, as they tortured Han, hoping that… I would break at the sight of someone I loved being hurt, and would spare secrets of the rebellion to spare Han's pain."

Padmé gazed at her with small eyes; she already knew as much, but hearing it from the person that had been forced to watch as they did despicable things to the person she loved affected her differently.

"You didn't."

"I didn't," Leia agreed. "How could I? Sacrifice the greater good for personal, selfish reasons? I would never betray my morals like that."

Padmé didn't say anything — she didn't believe things to be so black and white like that. Not anymore.

"Besides," Leia continued, her voice now softer than the harshness of before, "They told me they would hurt Alderaan if I didn't speak. I spoke, and they hurt Alderaan either way. Why would I ever trust anything that the Empire told me again?"

"They would just carry on hurting Han," Padmé stated the obvious, taking one step closer to Leia then stopping dead on her track.

"Yeah," Leia consented and ran her hand tiredly against her eyes. "And as if all that pain hadn't been enough, Vader prepared a carbon chamber to freeze Han in. It was meant for Luke, but since they couldn't guarantee that Luke would survive the procedure, they tested it out on Han first. I… I was certain that I would watch him die. Just like I had watched Alderaan."

Padmé's face became white and she wrapped her arms around herself. The story of what precisely had happened aboard the Death Star had never been cleared, and the notion that they had forced Leia to watch as they destroyed her planet made her sick to her stomach.

"They made you watch?"

"Hm? Yeah," Leia replied, distracted with the memories of the past — it didn't even occur to her that Padmé might have been asking about Alderaan. "It's a miracle that Han survived, because the facility was only adequate for carbon freezing, not… human freezing. The chances of him dying were so big, and Han knew as much. He… He was not ready to die, and I had just found him, and I wasn't ready to lose him, either. I know this is stupid, but… I believe that's the only reason he survived when all the odds were against him. Because his time simply hadn't come yet."

"It's not stupid," Padmé spoke gently.

Leia shot her shoulders up and down, and went on to pacing around the apartment once more.

Unsure of what else to do, Padmé did the same, however this time she kept herself a tad closer to the princess.

"The side effects of the freezing must have been terrible," Padmé commented, running her fingers alongside a small sculpture over the wooden corner table. "Not only was it barbarian what they did to him, but they also did it without any precautions for his health."

"Hm," Leia hummed, eyes diverting towards the huge balcony that revealed the beauty of the Coruscant skyline. "Let's just say it wasn't easy to escape an evil crime lord when you had to fetch for a blinded Han."

Without thinking much into it, Padmé asked, "Crime lord?"

And just like that, the color faded from Leia's face.

"Yeah."

Padmé frowned at the sudden shift of Leia's tone, and she searched for the princess with a worried heart. When she found her, she was staring out the window, although her mind wasn't there.

"Leia?"

When Leia came back to herself, she quivered.

"Han had a bounty on his head, so after he was frozen in the carbonite, he was taken by a bounty hunter," she said, her voice devoid of emotion. Like she was hollow. "We spent months looking for him, and meticulously planning how to infiltrate Jabba's palace and rescue him," and she realized that Padmé had no idea who Jabba was. She sighed. "Jabba, a…"

"Jabba the Hutt?" Padmé asked, perplexed. Her eyes wide, because she knew exactly who Jabba was, and everything he was capable of.

"Yeah," Leia said, her arms now folded across her chest. "You… You know him?"

"I do," she replied, sharing Leia's discomfort as she reminisced the crime lord. "As much as anyone would like to admit, Jabba the Hutt holds immense power amidst the Outer Rim territories. It was no different during the Clone Wars, and we needed his trading route for safe passage within the Outer Rim, so, of course, both the Republic and the Separatists were trying to win Jabba's favor."

She briefly paused to steal a glance of Leia; however, Leia had completely pulled her face away from Padmé.

Padmé cleared her throat. "During the war, Jabba's son was kidnapped, and Anakin was the Jedi tasked to find his son and safely return him to Tatooine, in the hopes that that would give access to Jabba's trading routes. Learning about his mission, I reached out to Anakin; there was a lot of diplomacy involved and diplomacy was not Anakin's strongest suit. So, I interfered, and I helped him get Jabba's son safely back to him while also assuring the Republic of safe passage through the Outer Rim."

Leia was static. Her breathing was so quiet that Padmé doubted she was breathing at all.

And when her voice came, it was filled with emotions that Padmé had never seen before.

"You helped him," Leia accused, and her vision began to swim threateningly as her face became white and the world started spinning around her. Crushing her. She felt herself getting sick. "You helped—"

"Anakin was my husband, Leia," Padmé said with a frown, failing to comprehend why that notion had triggered Leia when Leia had spoken about Anakin and Padmé's love for one another. Leia understood that; what had suddenly changed? "I would always help him—"

"—Jabba?"

Padmé tilted her head, confused; had Leia not been listening to her story at all? Not only that, but Leia was a diplomat, and she had been the youngest member of the Imperial Senate — of course she understood the importance of making the right connections, even if they went against one's personal convictions. Then why did she suddenly look like life had been drained from her?

"Well… Yeah," Padmé concurred without any eloquence as she tried to assess what was happening. "Jabba was crucial to guaranteeing our victory—"

Before she could finish whatever she had to say, Leia unexpectedly excused herself and rushed away from Padmé with her hand pressed to her mouth, and Padmé wasn't sure where exactly Leia was headed. Not until the princess disappeared within one of the bedrooms — coincidentally the one that had belonged to Padmé and Anakin — and she heard the fresher door closing with a thud.

Padmé stood there with her lips half-open in confusion for a few seconds, and that was all the time she allowed herself before she hurried after Leia, her mother instincts taking over her.

Yet, when she reached just outside the fresher and had her fist hanging in the air, ready to knock, she stopped. Froze within herself as she heard Leia retching, and instead of barging in, Padmé placed her forehead and the open palm of her hands against the wooden surface of the door, praying that her presence there would remind Leia that she wasn't alone, and she would never be.

Hopefully, the Force would carry on her message.

From this side of the door, she couldn't do anything other than wait.

And when turmoil became silence, and silence prevailed for eternities, Padmé could feel tingles of anticipation running down her spice.

"Leia?" she called for her daughter once her worry could not be refrained anymore. "Leia — Talk to me, please."

Her plea was desperate, yet no answer came.

"Leia," Padmé tried again, her heart pulsating erratically inside of her, "I just need to know that you're okay. Please, Leia."

Silence still reigned for a while, until it didn't, and Padmé heard movement from inside. Heavy steps against the floor, the toilet flushing, water running from the sink, water splashing. A deep breath.

Padmé trod back as she heard steps coming towards the door and sat down by the mattress, her posture perfectly intact. Her hands anxiously holding one another as she waited for Leia to come out.

When she did, she couldn't bring herself to look at her mother in the eyes. The color had drained from her cheeks and her lips, while her eyes had become red and shot up. She was alerted to her surroundings, despite looking like she had just fought a war — and lost. She held to the door frame for a few seconds, certifying of her own balance, before stumbling towards the bed with trembling limbs and falling down the mattress without any class. She sat far away from Padmé, and, without realizing it, their stances were the same.

Padmé studied her appearance from afar. Her body was stiff, almost petrified, safe for her hands fidgeting with one another over her own lap. Her eyes fixated on a random spot but would occasionally glance downwards. And when Padmé expired verbosely while her body slightly turned towards Leia so she would start talking, Leia evidently flinched at the suddenness of the movement, only to have her face filled with shame upon the realization of her reaction.

The mother worried about her sudden reaction, as she hadn't intended to violate Leia's personal space nor did she think that a simple gesture would be enough to do it. Recognizing the importance of proceeding carefully, Padmé gently and slowly brought her legs up the mattress while she shifted her body entirely towards the daughter. She was afraid that her eyes on Leia would only further break Leia's privacy, but she couldn't bring herself to look away.

"I'm sorry," she started, and her caution had been worth it — Leia was prepared for the moment and therefore didn't wince."I didn't mean to startle you, or trigger you," she sighed, bracing herself for what was to follow, "Leia — Are you okay?"

Which was a foolish question when the answer was so clear. But for her own peace of mind, she needed to ask, and she wanted nothing more than to hear Leia stubbornly saying she was fine, and maybe, just maybe, Padmé could bring herself to believe it.

"No," Leia replied levelly, looking down on her hands nervously. "And I'm tired of pretending."

Padmé bit on her lip; she hadn't expected such a heartfelt confession, much less the impotence it would bring her. Both of them. Leia was as a foreigner to the dimension of her feelings as Padmé was.

"Jabba—" Leia tried to enunciate, but the simple mention of that name brought the taste of bile to her mouth, and she thought she would become ill again. "He — he makes me sick to my stomach."

Padmé nodded, saying nothing more. There wasn't much to be said.

"Made," Leia corrected herself, because it was supposed to make a difference, even if it didn't feel like it. "He no longer lives."

Padmé's eyes widened — at least something good to come out from their day.

"Jabba died?"

"I killed him."

Padmé nodded once more, thinking — good for her. But when her mind connected the dots and she remembered as Leia said that she had choked the beast that had enslaved her to death, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Oh, Leia," Padmé cried, realizing her voice held a tone of pity that wasn't supposed to be there. "I… He got what he deserved."

"Yeah," she reluctantly agreed. "I hate him, Padmé. For the things he did to me, to — to Han."

Padmé swallowed uncomfortably, the mention of Han now making her understand why he had said that the story of his carbonite freezing belonged to Leia only. Opposite to her, Leia was stiff, her back straightened perfectly and her head suddenly raised high — like the simple mention of his name had been enough to have her believe she was back on Tatooine, being forced to keep her posture intact to those watching her.

Even though Padmé didn't know, she noticed the sudden shift in her body language.

"It's over now, Leia," Padmé said. "You're safe. You're alive."

In response, Leia shook her head, refuting every word of encouragement that came on her way. "I don't feel — like it's over. I don't feel like it will ever be. There isn't a tangible cure when the wounds damage your soul."

"You're wrong," Padmé said gently, crossing her legs in front of her as she tried to ease her stance from tension. "The cure comes with time, and patience, and love — love both from those around you and your own self. You need to be gentle with you, and your scars, and you need to have the patience that time will fix this wound."

"No," Leia cried softly. "The things you mentioned — time, patience, love — they mend. However, they do not heal."

Padmé fell out of words.

"Nobody knows that better than you and I," Leia said. "The pain becomes stale, but it never truly heals. We just learn how to live with it, be it from our own volition or everybody else's."

Padmé agreed sadly.

"You're right, the wounds of our past never leave us," she lamented, "But neither do they define us, who we are or who we come to be. They are part of our story, but they aren't writing it. Leia, you have a past, a painful past, but you also have a future. You can count on both."

The notion was beautiful, and Leia wanted to smile — if only she weren't so afraid of doing so.

Unfortunately, the mother could read Leia's emotions all too well. Because she had once been the same; still was.

"You don't have to be afraid of happiness."

Leia forced herself to take a deep breath. "Happiness fades away too easily."

"It does," Padmé agreed. "But never allowing yourself to be happy over the fear of the possibility of a letdown isn't the way to live. That's just — existing, and life is too rare and beautiful for us not to live it."

"Beautiful?" for the first time, Leia dared to look at Padmé, and her eyes were written with despair. "How can you call life beautiful, when you know better than that, Padmé? Life is — ugly. It's full of fathers trying to kill mothers, of children being taken from mothers, of planets being obliterated until there's nothing left. Ugliness reigns life, and there's little we can do about it."

"Life is beautiful," Padmé rebuked, her voice firm. "Two strangers finding an orphaned little girl and raising her with all the love and caring in the world. Long lost siblings finding their way back to each other and finally being complete. Luke being so excited about something as frivolous as ice cream and never shutting up about it. You laying your head on my shoulder. Life is beautiful, and we can't allow the bad moments to taint it, otherwise, beauty won't prevail when beauty must prevail."

Leia's eyes became glossy; Padmé's voice softened.

"You don't need me telling you this, Leia," she carried on. "You already know. You know, Leia, otherwise you wouldn't have built a rebellion from your grief and refused to stand down until the Empire was defeated. You created beauty out of ugliness, and that will always be your essence."

Leia chewed on her lip, wrapping her arms around herself as she forced the tears away from her eyes — failing; they didn't descend her cheeks, but neither did they go away. She sniffed, her body bent forward as she excessively stared down at the floor, wanting nothing more than to believe Padmé's words while failing to hear them.

She hugged herself tightly and closed her eyes when the stinging became too much; she gathered all of that was left of her strength and—

"It was so cold in Tatooine," Leia started, unexpectedly, and her heart beated as erratically as Padmé's. "Have you ever been to Tatooine? The nights — they're so cold."

She was lost amidst her flux of consciousness; it didn't matter that she already knew that Padmé had been to Tatooine, it didn't matter that Padmé chose to remain silent instead of answering. She was talking, and she was lost amidst her own words, and she could do nothing more than talk while Padmé listened.

"Everything happened so fast, and everything happened so slow. An out of body experience. I relished every terror they inflicted on my body to my core, but it also felt like I was watching them inflict those horrors on somebody else. And all I could think — it was so cold. I was so cold. Sometimes it's like I still can't escape the cold."

Leia suddenly shivered; almost like she was back on the cold nights of Tatooine.

"I'm sorry. I don't suppose that makes much sense."

"It makes sense," Padmé assured, unsure of what the princess was apologizing for.

She gritted her teeth and pulled her legs up. Trying to make herself less exposed to the cold.

"It was so cold," she said once again, this time wrapping her arms around her legs. "I thought I was adjusted to freezing temperatures, after being sanctioned on Hoth for so long. I used to think that nothing could be as bad as Hoth. Except — nobody stripped me down in Hoth."

If her heart was thundering before, now it had essentially stopped beating. Whatever did she mean — strip her down —?

"They forced me out of my garnish and into a — a golden metal bikini," Leia forced the words out, answering the question in the air and almost having all of her oxygen stolen from her. "It was — I never felt so humiliated."

Padmé thought she knew what it was like to have her heart aching. However, that pain only struck her at that moment, hearing what they had done to her daughter.

"Leia—" she tried, even if her words were stuck on her throat; she knew she had to say something, she knew she was supposed to try and make things better — but she wasn't that powerful. Nothing could ever make it better. So, she forced her emotions deep inside of her and asked, "What can I do, Leia?"

In comparison, Leia was hit by a threatening wave of emotions at such a simple question. She couldn't bring herself to answer it, but the comfort of being asked almost promised her that things would be better. Even if it didn't seem like it.

In the end, there was only one answer to Padmé's question — she could listen.

"I… I'm a rather reserved person. I don't — I don't like people looking at me like that. I know, I'm a leader in a rebellion mostly filled by men, of course they will look, and they will fantasize, I'm well aware of that. This is why I've done my part to hide every bit of femininity in me for the past years, and mostly, I succeeded. But — it's different, when you're forced to dress like that, and they sexualize you, and point at you, and laugh at you, and touch you. It's different, Padmé, I swear it is."

In a desperate hurry, Padmé crawled towards her. Forgotten about Leia's previous reaction to the suddenness of her movements and relieved when this time she didn't startle her. And she was next to her, never once daring to touch her, only being there by her side and breathing in the same broken oxygen.

"I know," she said softly, for the sole reason she didn't want Leia to think she wasn't being heard. Her eyes burned, and not a single tear fell from them.

"They," Leia wanted so desperately to speak up about what had happened, to say it aloud so she would lift the weight off her lungs and find the peace to breathe again — except the words were so hard to say. "They…"

"I'm here, Leia," Padmé promised, and her voice was so strong and reassuring that she surprised even herself. She didn't know where her strength was coming from, but she deeply understood it fell upon her to be strong for both of them for the time being.

She could have said that it was okay to talk; she could have said that talking would do her good; instead — she promised she would be there, no matter what. She didn't try to pressure her, or force her, and to Leia, it made all the difference.

"They threatened to hurt me, if I didn't surrender and — and performed. I'm rather resilient when it comes to physical pain, you see. I can endure a whole lot before cracking. Or maybe not cracking at all. So their threats didn't work. I would rather they hurt me than to play my — my part. When they realized that wouldn't work, their threats… became vile. Instead, they threatened to hurt Han, to kill Han if I didn't abide. I couldn't let them hurt Han again because of me, as Vader had on Bespin. I would never forgive myself if any further harm was inflicted upon Han because of me. I will always, always do whatever I can to protect those I love."

What she hadn't said but was too loud not to be heard — like she hadn't protected Alderaan.

"They made me dance, erotically dance, in front of an entire room filled with disgusting men," she continued, barely giving her the chance to stop and breathe. Like ripping off a bandaid. "All why wearing that stupid sex slave outfit, so they could sexualize me, and point at me, and laugh at me, and… and… and…"

Padmé watched with an aching soul as Leia shut her eyes tightly and pulled her legs closer to her chest. Her lips were twitching, and Padmé wanted nothing more than to let her know it was alright to feel. Nobody would judge her for that.

"I'm…" Leia choked on oxygen, "I'm sure you can figure out the rest."

Padmé's vision became blurry; she could, of course she could. If she hadn't been so desperately trying to ignore it, she would have believed all the little signs that indicated something was terribly amiss. The princess had hidden it in plain sight, and Padmé could see it in her big sad eyes; eyes that said things that Leia never quite said, and Padmé had simply been too scared to hear.

But she heard it now, and even if it broke her heart, she would bear Leia's pain as long as she needed.

"You have to say it, Leia," Padmé gently said.

Leia shook her head. "I don't want to."

"You have to," she repeated. "You have to accept it happened, no matter how much it hurts."

"I…" a single tear fell down her cheek. "I can't. I can't say it."

Padmé dragged herself forward until she was side by side with Leia, her shoulders almost touching. Still, she wouldn't initiate any physical contact unless it was required.

"Tell me what I can do, Leia."

Leia's eyes, now red and puffy, shot open, and her stare was lost for a long time.

"Can…" her voice was so hoarse she could barely be heard. "Can you hold my hand?"

Her request came so small and vulnerable; Padmé extended her hand to Leia, holding it open in front of her, giving Leia all the space and time to hold it back on her own tempo.

And when she did, she held it strongly, because all of her strength came from one simple and innocent physical link.

"I was sexually assaulted."

That was all it took for her tears to freely fall from her eyes. She could not bear it anymore, so she let it all out. Terrified of being judged for it, even despite her better sense, yet unable to stop them.

Padmé held her hand tightly, rubbing the soft skin of her palm with both her thumbs. Doing anything, as she recognized the importance of acting. Even if there was so little she could do.

And it all made so much more sense now that they both admitted the unspeakable. Looking back, Padmé remembered all the little details that should have alerted her that something wasn't right — Leia flinching every time she was touched and startled; Leia declaring she would never trust another man; Leia saying that Han would be the only man she would ever lie with in a desperate attempt to deny and forget what had happened.

She pressed her lips together before they could start trembling; she could cry later, once away from Leia. Now, her only duty was to remain strong.

"You are not alone," Padmé said, her voice sweet and firm. "I care about you, and I'm here to listen to you and to help you in any way I can."

The words took Leia so by surprise that she choked a sob before she could constrain it, and she lowered her face self consciously, despising herself for breaking down in front of others.

"Leia," Padmé called, trying to have the attention not only of her mind but of her heart. "It took you a lot of courage to tell me about this, and I'm so proud of you. And I… I believe you, Leia."

If anything, Padmé wasn't helping at all with Leia's incessant flux of tears. She ran the back of her free hand against her eyes to no avail. "They… They didn't rape me, but they still… hurt me. In ways I thought I had mentally prepared myself for ever since I joined the rebellion and found myself in situations of disadvantage, but… There is no preparation for when it actually happens. And… I am — I feel ugly. I feel like there's only ugliness surrounding me, inside of me, and I… I don't know if it'll ever be beautiful again. If I'll ever be beautiful again. Most days, I don't think I want to be beautiful again."

Padmé no longer knew if she were speaking metaphorically, literally, or both. Regardless, all that mattered was so she tried her best to break that line of thinking.

"No, Leia, that simply isn't true," she imposed, and without breaking the link between their hands, Padmé found herself kneeling in front of Leia, searching for her eyes and praying for a chance to have Leia glance at her. "Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your kindness, and your resilience. All these little things that paint you so beautiful, both inside and outside. You spread your light everywhere you go, Leia. Your perseverance and your refusal to stand down has saved so many lives, and I know I can't get you to believe me, but there's nothing that I want more than for you to recognize your worth."

Leia sniffed, silent tears still streaming down her cheeks. "What's the point of saving everybody else if I end up losing myself in the end?"

"You'll have all these people that you saved to rely on," Padmé smiled tenderly, even when it felt so wrong to smile. "You will have all these people to save you. And, Leia, there is nothing wrong with letting your guard down while others take care of you. There's no weakness there, because vulnerability isn't a stigma."

When she realized her hands had started to tremble, Leia strongly fastened her grip around Padmé's, trying to quieten them. Amidst her refusal to look at her mother, she simply nodded with her head and said, "Okay."

"Okay," Padmé repeated, struggling to find her balance to get back on her feet. This time, when she sat back in bed, she was closer than ever to Leia, although she didn't break her personal space with unwanted touch. "Is there anything I can do, Leia?"

Leia became stiff, and the only sign she was still alive was the tears still falling from her eyes — she couldn't get them to stop!

"I…" she began, "I would like to be alone for a while."

Yet, for reasons Leia couldn't comprehend, she didn't loosen her grasp around Padmé's hand.

"I'm terribly sorry, Leia, but I won't leave you alone right now."

Leia sighed; Padmé's presence there made everything better, yet so much harder —!

"I promised you I wouldn't hurt myself," she argued, reminiscing the conversation they had not so long before. "It still stands."

"I'm not afraid that you'll break your promise and hurt yourself," Padmé said gently, while her voice carried all her worry. "I am afraid, however, of all the dark places your mind will take you to if you're alone. And I don't want your thoughts to betray you and hurt your heart and soul."

"Padmé, please."

"I'm here, Leia," she reassured, delicately folding both her hands around Leia's and bringing them close to her heart. "I'm here."

Admitting defeat while recognizing the bad place she was emotionally in, Leia threw herself into Padmé's arm without asking for permission — because she knew the words would never make it past her lips. She found her mother's embrace and she allowed herself to be vulnerable within it, her teardrops wettening Padmé's shirt as she sobbed without a sound.

Padmé held her and just that, her nose buried in Leia's hair as her hands traveled up and down her back; little gestures that offered Leia all the comfort she knew how to give. And even if it wouldn't magically fix everything, it was enough.

"It's so bad," Leia said once she regained enough of her composure to speak. "I try so hard not to think about it but it's always there."

Her words only made Padmé wrap her arms more tightly around her. "Ignoring it won't make it go away, Leia. It takes time, and patience, and a whole love and support from those that care about you."

When she didn't answer, Padmé gently kissed the top of her head, trying her best to show the princess all the love and caring she had to give. She doubted that her sweet gesture of tenderness had been responsible for Leia to pull away, but Leia pulled away nonetheless, taking a share of Padmé's soul with her.

Her cheeks were wet, her eyes were red, her lips were separated to help her breathe. For the first time, she found the strength to look at Padmé's eyes, and she could almost breathe easier when she only saw worry and caring there; not pity.

"Padmé," she said, her throat sore, "No one knows about this."

Padmé's eyes widened. "You mean, other than—"

"No one," Leia told her. "Not Han, not Luke, not Mon Mothma — no one."

Padmé's heart ached with the knowledge, and she reached out to place her hand over Leia's thighs. "That must have been very lonely."

Leia shivered but didn't answer.

"Leia, it means so much that you trusted me enough with this," she spoke earnestly. "It's still important, though, to tell those that you love. I don't want to impose or force you, but those are your people. You need people on whom you can rely, and Luke and Han love you so much."

"I know," she consented — because she knew. "They're boys. They wouldn't understand."

"They wouldn't, not to the same extent that you do," Padmé agreed, "However — they would try to, and they would do their best to help you."

Unexpectedly, Leia threw her back down the mattress, her arms close to her side and her eyes fixated on the ceiling above them. She waited, wondering if Padmé would join her, and all that the mother did was to drag herself a little closer.

"When Luke came to rescue us — Han, Chewie, and I, we had all been taken prisoners after I failed to get Han out of there safely by Jabba's thugs. And I… I was sitting with Jabba on his throne when Luke came, serving my duty as his slave, his pet, his exposition — whatever he had in his twisted mind. Wearing that goddamn outfit with a chain around my neck. And when Luke came… He didn't even look at me."

Her vision became blurry once again at the memory, and she pulled her arms to her chest. Next to her, Padmé became stiff.

"It was like — I wasn't there, and he couldn't see me. Or, refused to see me. Even in his speech, it was always Han and his friends, it was never… me. Me, his sister, who was posing as a sex slave right in front of him. I don't blame Luke, I swear I don't, but… Sometimes, that's what gets me the most. How much disregard he had for me at that moment."

Padmé listened with a heavy heart. "I'm sure that wasn't his intention, Leia. He was just trying to do his best."

"It's how I feel," she accused, abruptly raising herself on her elbows to lash out, "Will you for once take my side?!"

Padmé quickly opened her mouth to protest, to say that she was on Leia's side, when she realized — even if it hadn't been her intention, she sounded like she wasn't. So she took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry."

Mimicking her exhale, Leia lied back down, the tension all but evanescing from her body and her voice calm again, "It's okay. I shouldn't have snapped. It's just — there isn't a single thing about that day that makes it easier, and the way Luke ignored me there doesn't help. The way he — he acted around me back then only corroborates how he'll never understand what it was like to be there, almost naked in front of hundreds of prying eyes. He'll never understand what was like being a princess stripped away from the remnants of her power and her dignity. He… He didn't even look at my face, Padmé."

Acting before she could think, Padmé ran her fingers gently through Leia's loosely pulled back hair. "I think, Leia, that only gives you more reason to talk to him. You won't be able to move on until you've accepted every single thing that happened, and that includes the betrayal you felt by your brother at that moment."

Leia barely blinked. "I — I don't want to hurt Luke. He would be heartbroken."

"So maybe he would. But you don't owe him your silence, Leia. You have to speak up, so he'll know how to do better."

She wrinkled her nose. "I'm not very fond of the idea of ever replaying that scenario, Padmé."

Chuckling soundlessly, Padmé shook her head in reprimand. "You know what I meant, Leia."

"Yeah," she breathed out. "I… I'll think about it, okay?"

"Okay."

She sighed. "That's all I can promise you today."

"It's a step. It's the first step," Padmé said, "Don't belittle yourself just because it's a small step. It's a step nonetheless, and that's what matters."

Sniffing, Leia nodded, and knowing Padmé to have a perfect view of her face, she turned her face to her side to hide away.

"I wish my mother was still here."

Her words were a jagger to Padmé's heart.

"I don't — I don't say that to hurt you, or to undermine everything that you went through and every effort you've made to be here," she said nervously, "It's just — I wish she was still here, to guide me through this. I wish I could have both of you."

Although she suspected that Leia had said the last bit to mend Padmé, Padmé appreciated it nonetheless. "She was your mother, Leia. You don't have to apologize or explain yourself for missing her."

"I miss her so much," Leia took the liberty to say, and her words hurt. "I… I'm glad I have you, though."

Padmé smiled, even more when Leia finally turned her face back up, and she could see all the fear for lack of reciprocity in her eyes. "I'm glad to be here."

Leia nodded a little anxiously, while simultaneously letting all of her tension out with a deep exhale.

"Here's an idea," Padmé prompted, "Let's not go back to the headquarters. Not today, anyway. We'll spend the night here, breathe in some fresh air. What do you say?"

Intrigued, Leia raised herself on her elbows to properly look at the mother. Naturally, though, her interest came alongside her hesitation. "I have work to do."

Padmé made a face. "No, you don't."

"Yes, I—"

"—Nothing that you can't postpone for tomorrow," Padmé said.

Yet, Leia seemed to spend a little too long thinking. "We don't have any spare clothes or any personal materials here."

Padmé shrugged. "I'll comm Ameera. She'll bring us what we need."

"We don't have food."

"Ameera," Padmé insisted.

With half a smirk across her lips, Leia incited, "Luke is going to lose his mind that he's not invited."

Padmé laughed loudly at that. "Doesn't that make you more prone to agreeing to it?"

Leia snorted. "It does, actually."

Padmé smiled with her teeth. "It's settled, then."

"Okay."

After that, for no apparent reason at all, both girls joined in on a burst of laughter — and it was the most honest laughter they had shared in a while.


A/N: and with this chapter, we officially begin our journey towards healing, although there are still several loose ends amidst the fic that need addressing, so you'll be stuck with me for a while longer.

as always, take the time to leave me a comment! i only got two reviews in the last chapter (thank you to the two of you ofc) and it made me very sad :(