A/N: Here is 39! I think there's one more chapter left in me for this. Thanks for all the reviews thus far! Oh, these two…so much baggage. Let go of it, for goodness sake!

Gone

Chapter 39: I Will Follow

March 30th, 2006

1722 Local

McMurphy's Bar

Washington, DC

Harm stepped into McMurphy's and scanned the crowd. He'd been surprised when the recently retired admiral had called him and invited him out for a drink; the older man had of course been around to see the baby a few times and he had had them over for dinner once, but AJ Chegwidden rarely initiated social interactions such as this. Harm hadn't wanted to leave Mac alone this evening, knowing full well they needed to discuss the whole London situation, but she'd insisted he go, so here he was.

Harm hadn't been to McMurphy's in quite a while; it was still frequented by many that worked with him at JAG, but Harm certainly hadn't been the most outgoing person in the last couple of years. He would have been happy to go to an entirely different bar or restaurant, but McMurphy's was close to headquarters so they'd settled on that for convenience.

After a few moments he finally spotted AJ in a back booth, so he made his way over and after greeting the other man with a firm handshake, the two sat down across from each other. Once Harm had his drink, the two eyed each other.

"So, AJ, how's retirement treating you?" Harm asked after a moment. AJ took a sip of his drink and shrugged.

"It's alright. Still trying to figure out how to keep myself occupied until I head to Italy in April to spend a month with Francesca and the kids."

"How are they doing?" Harm took a sip of his beer, wondering how long the two of them could engage in small talk before the real reason AJ had invited him out came to light.

"Fine, fine…I hear you got some news recently."

Not long at all, apparently. Harm wondered who had called AJ about the promotion. General Cresswell? The SecNav?

"So, you heard, huh?"

AJ nodded. "I did. You gonna take it?" he asked casually before taking another sip of his scotch on the rocks.

"No…but you already knew that too, right?"

His former CO nodded. "I did."

"And let me guess, they sent you to change my mind."

AJ gave him a slight smile. "Something like that."

"It won't work, AJ. I've made up my mind…permanently. I don't want this life anymore. I want to be with Mac…really be with her, and me having a command in London won't let me do that."

"Well, I assumed she'd be coming with you."

"You know what I mean. And you know I'm not cut out to play politics. I wouldn't be the JAG, but that position in London would have its share of drama."

"Well, someone must think you've got what it takes. That command is a step toward becoming the JAG in a few years."

Harm rolled his eyes. "I'd say they're scraping at the bottom of the barrel then. I've got a few skeletons in my closet that would make it difficult for me to become an admiral, much less the JAG…and it isn't as if those skeletons are well hidden."

"True," replied AJ. The older man contemplated Harm for a moment before speaking again. "Harm, are you really and truly sure you want to leave the navy? There'd be no going back this time and I have a hard time believing that Whitefish, Montana has enough excitement for you."

"Well, maybe I'm done with all of that. I know, I know…at one time I thought I'd be a lifer. I thought I'd be an aviator, eventually a CAG, maybe command a ship…when that didn't work out and I joined JAG, I had visions of one day sitting in your chair. And then when I got my eyes fixed, I had the opportunity to be an aviator again. I loved flying; I loved the carrier life…but it wasn't the same. You warned me, I know. There was no future in flying for me, but what really pulled me back to JAG was Mac. God, I missed her, AJ. I couldn't believe how much. Flying wasn't as fun…not when I had to do it day in, day out…because that meant I couldn't be with her. I didn't think it would be that way when I left…I loved her; she was my best friend…but I thought flying would overcome that. When I came back, our relationship was different. There was Brumby…and I wasn't the golden boy anymore. Mac didn't trust me…after Brumby left, we slowly worked toward our old friendship again…and more…but even through all that and even knowing why I wasn't happy on the carrier before, I lived for my quals and for any other chance to fly. Mac knew it too. Knew she was in second place. I took her for granted…this beautiful woman who had sacrificed so much for me over the years. By the time I realized that, it was too late. Mac was gone.

"It was a miracle that I found her again, AJ, and more than a miracle when she forgave me and loved me. Even when everything went to hell, I vowed that I would do anything and everything to be with her. When you sent me to the carrier, yes, I was upset, but I did think 'oh, well at least I'll get to fly.' But guess what? I hated it. No…that isn't right…I didn't hate it, but it didn't give me anything close to the thrill of just sitting on a couch with Mac or walking down the main street in Whitefish with her. My priorities changed, AJ…and now with Jace here…the idea of being stuck on a carrier or stuck in an office commanding lawyers that have a more meaningful job than I do feels suffocating. I don't want that life. I want the life I'll have in Montana with my wife and son and maybe another baby or two. Right now, I'm almost terrified they won't let me go. I can see the joy in Mac dying but by bit the longer we're here and I'm starting to see it in me too. It's time to go. It's time to quit and just be Harm from Whitefish, MT, a guy who flies for search and rescue who comes home to a wife and son every night. I want that more than anything, AJ."

The long monologue left Harm a little emotional and a little exhausted as he sat back in the booth waiting for AJ to acknowledge his words. He could feel the older man's eyes on him and it made him want to squirm, and he almost snapped at his former CO before the man finally spoke again.

"Then you need to tell her that, son."

"What?"

"You need to tell Mac what you just told me."

Harm's eyes widened in surprise. "I have told her…she knows."

"Does she?"

Harm frowned. She should know by now how he felt. She'd read his letters to her written during their most recent separation. He'd told her he was looking forward to retiring…he was sure she knew what he wanted…

Then why is she trying to convince you to take the promotion and the command?

"AJ," Harm said after a moment. "Who told you to talk to me about this? General Cresswell? Secretary Sheffield?"

AJ shook his head. "No, it wasn't Biff, and it certainly wasn't that arrogant twit Sheffield…but you already knew that, didn't you."

"Mac?" Harm asked grimly.

"Yes. She called me this morning and told me to convince you to take the promotion. Said she didn't want to hold you back anymore."

Harm's eyes snapped up to look sharply at the other man. "Hold me back? What the hell is she talking about? She isn't holding me back!"

"I gather she feels she is. I don't suppose she's entirely gotten over you leaving the navy to save her in Paraguay after I completely fucked that up, or the fact that you spent so much time trying to find her after she left us. She didn't say it this morning, but I think she also feels guilty for putting you in a situation where you had to lie to all your friends about her and when she did finally out herself, she blindsided you with a baby."

"She has no reason to feel guilty about any of that…I told her I understood…and I told her I made a commitment to her and Jace to retire and move to Montana."

"You told her you made a commitment?" asked AJ, and Harm wondered why AJ sounded rather incredulous.

"Well yes. I did tell her. I did make a commitment and I'm going to honor that."

Once again AJ was staring at him, this time looking a little shocked and not a little angry. Harm opened his mouth to say something, but AJ beat him to it.

"Holy shit, Rabb, what kind of idiot are you?"

"What?"

"You told her you made a commitment…yeah, yeah…I know, you did make a commitment, but do you know how that sounds? She thinks you are only going to Montana because you feel obligated!"

"It isn't that!" Harm defended himself, but deep inside he wondered if AJ was correct about Mac's impression of things.

Of course, he's correct, you moron, Harm's inner voice berated, but Harm squelched that and instead looked up at AJ indignantly.

"It isn't that!" he repeated. "I love her. I want to go to Montana. What the hell else can I say or do to make that clear? I've said it so many times! She should get that!"

"Well, I take it she doesn't, son," AJ said calmly.

"Goddammit," Harm whispered to himself. At the moment he didn't know if he should be mad, sad, hurt…maybe all three. After all the effort he'd made to find her…everything he'd done to see her…and she didn't think he was sincere? What the hell? What more did he have to do?"

Harm seethed for several beats before standing up and tossing several bills on the table. "Look, AJ. Thanks for…well, thanks, I guess. I need to go talk to Mac, obviously." He slid out of the booth and slipped his jacket on. He'd only taken a few steps when AJ called him back.

"Harm, go easy on her…god knows we weren't after that damn mission, and god knows life hasn't been all that easy for her either. She's still got a lot of marine in her, but I don't think she's ever been able to come to terms with everything that happened given how it all went down, okay?"

A part of Harm, a very large part, in fact, resented mightily the retired admiral's observation of his Mac. Sure, it was most likely accurate, but how dare he? And how dare she doubt him! Harm clenched and unclenched his fists for a moment before he finally nodded shortly at AJ. He didn't say anything more before he turned away and left the bar. It was a cold walk back to his 'vette and as much as he loved the car, it did not heat up quickly. He shivered as he turned the key in the ignition, and as soon as it turned over, he tore out of the parking lot. He knew he should go right home; Mac had been alone all day with Jace so he was sure she could use a break. Harm, however, also knew he needed to blow off some steam first. Rather than turning toward his apartment, he went off in the opposite direction, spending the next few hours driving aimlessly about the city.


2125 Local

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Mac had just dialed Harm's cell phone for perhaps the fifteenth time when she heard his key in the lock. She dropped the phone and rushed to the door, yanking it out of his hand as he turned the knob.

"Oh my god, Harm! Where have you been? I've been so worried! I called the admiral and he said you left McMurphy's over three hours ago. I'd better call him back; I think he was about to go out looking for you. Are you okay? Harm?"

Mac looked up at Harm and was taken aback by his stony expression. She'd been about to throw her arms around him but the look on his face stopped her. "Harm?" she repeated, taking a few steps away from him, her heart pounding in her chest.

The silence was deafening as she waited for Harm to speak, and from the corner of her eye, she saw that Nic had taken position at the top of the steps that led to the sleeping area. The seconds ticked by, and Mac almost felt lightheaded by the time Harm spoke.

"After all this time, you still don't trust me."

"What? Of course, I trust you, Harm. You don't think that I thought…that I thought you were with someone else, do you?"

Harm ignored her question and started to pace about the room. He seemed angry, but there was also an undercurrent of something else. Hurt, she decided, but for the life of her, she didn't understand why.

"I don't get it, Mac. I tell you over and over that I can't wait to go to Montana with you, that I'm done with the navy, and yet you still don't believe me."

"I do believe you…I just…I don't want you making a mistake, Harm," she responded meekly.

"Why would it be a mistake? Have you listened to anything I've said to you in the last three months?" Harm stopped his pacing and stood looming over her, his hands on his hips.

"I-I have, Harm…but that's before they decided to make you a captain."

"What does that even matter?"

Mac's eyes flashed to his, incredulous that he could ask such a question. They didn't handout those eagles to just anyone. "What does it matter?! How many make Captain each year, Harm? Answer me that! I am not going to be the one that holds you back. You deserve this, Harm and I—" Mac realized that her voice had started to rise from the nearly whispered hiss they'd both adopted to keep from awaking Jace, so she cut herself off and turned around to regain some composure. She didn't understand why Harm was so angry, and she definitely didn't understand how he could let her worry for so many hours while he did god knows what.

"What, Mac? What were you about to say? And dammit, look at me!"

Mac made no move turn around, despite Harm's 'command.' She was having trouble regaining control of her emotions; despite her pregnancy being over, she was still rather prone to tears and at the moment she was unequivocally angry and hurt.

"Mac, come on…" She heard him step closer to her, could feel the heat of his body radiating from him as he spoke.

"Where were you tonight?" she finally asked, her voice low and subdued.

"Driving…just driving around the city."

"You couldn't have called?" She heard Harm sigh behind her.

"I know, Mac. I'm sorry."

"I was worried, Harm." Terribly worried.

"I—I know. I, um, I guess I didn't realize how long I was out there." He chuckled feebly. "I've never had your sense of timing." After several more seconds where Mac didn't respond, Harm sighed again. "I'm sorry, Mac. I guess I was just angry. Mad."

"But why?" she asked, finally turning back around.

"Because you won't take me at my word."

"And for that you made me worry for nearly three hours? You let me just sit and be terrified that something happened to you? My god, Harm, when the admiral told me you'd left him hours ago, I thought you'd been some horrible accident! I called you and called you, and you couldn't once pick up?"

Harm dipped his head, looking momentarily contrite, but when he looked up again, there was defiance in his stormy eyes. "I needed to cool down, Mac. I'm sorry I didn't call, Mac, but…"

"But? But what, Harm? I was scared!"

"You're always scared!" Harm exclaimed, and as if to prove his point, Mac startled and stumbled back a few steps. She was momentarily shocked but fairly quickly recovered, and the glare in her expression would have left blisters on a lesser man.

"How dare you! I am not always scared! But when the father of my child just disappears, how am I supposed to feel?"

"I don't know, Mac," Harm answered bitterly. "Maybe how I felt when you disappeared for over a year?" His cheeks were flushed with ire. Mac felt the blood drain from her own face and an involuntary gasp escaped her lips.

As quick as his anger ignited, the flames of it died down, and Mac felt a gentler heat as Harm stepped closer. She was having none of it, however. She jerked away from him when he tried to lay a hand on her shoulder, ignoring the pleading in his voice as he called her name.

"Mac," he said again. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean that…"

Mac merely snorted in response. Of course, he meant it.

"No, Mac…that…that's all water under the bridge…Mac?"

"You're never going to forgive me for that, are you," she whispered. "You'll always resent me, and if you don't go to London, you'll resent me even more, and I don't think I can handle that. I know I can't."

"But you think you can handle London?"

"I'm not a child, Harm. I'm not helpless. I—I'll just deal with it. I'll…be fine. I-will…" To her chagrin, her voice grew more hesitant with each word spoken. Harm, however, was quick to respond.

"Will you? Come on, Mac…you hate the city. You startle awake every time a car backfires or a car alarm goes off. Jace doesn't even wake up to that. You barely leave the apartment by yourself and when you do, you barely talk for the rest of the day. You still cry at night when you think I can't hear you. When we go out walking in the park you won't let go of me."

Mac glared at Harm, partly because he made her sound so weak and partly because he wasn't wrong. She did hate the city now. She wasn't scared of it, not really; she still had every confidence that she could take care of herself. But being out there, surrounded by concrete and steel, by the frantic cacophony of sounds, and by millions of strangers was exhausting to her now. She felt exposed. Suffocated. Watched. Even in the lovely Rock Creek Park, amongst the trees and the trails she used to run, she felt threatened unless she was within Harm's protective orbit. She knew her hypervigilance was related to untreated PTSD and a lingering paranoia that she'd be discovered by her former coworkers. It didn't matter that she'd already revealed herself to them months ago; the feeling still remained and likely wouldn't abate until she was a thousand miles away from here and in a place where she could finally breathe again.

It was all rather humiliating. She'd been a tough, take-no-prisoners marine, and now she was reduced to this. Someone who would be so exhausted and tense after an outing she couldn't carry on a normal conversation.

Mac felt her face flush and she turned away from Harm again. She didn't have a response for him; he was right. She'd be miserable in London. She loathed the idea of moving to London, but she loathed the idea of Harm resenting her even more.

"Come on, Mac. Just tell me what you want."

"You know what I want, Harm."

"You want to go to Montana."

"No…"

"No? Then what, Mac? What? Because I know you don't wantto go to London. Are you honestly going to stand there and try to tell me you do?"

"Harm, please…"

"Look me in the eye and tell me you want to go to London."

She couldn't do that. "Harm…"

"Well?" Harm crossed his arms over his chest and Mac almost expected him to start tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for her answer. Unfortunately, any answer she had stuck in her throat.

"Harm, stop…" she managed to choke out, and suddenly Harm flung his arms outward.

"Look, Mac. I know damn well you don't want to go, so cut the crap and just tell me! You. Don't. Want. To. Go. To. London!"

It was Harm's turn to raise his voice, but unlike Mac, he didn't catch himself. There was a tiny wail from the bedroom, and soon their infant's cries crescendoed until they filled the entire apartment. It had taken some time for Mac to get Jace down, undoubtedly picking up on her worry and stress over Harm's whereabouts, and Mac could no longer keep her temper nor her intense hurt at bay.

"Fine, Harm! Fine! I don't want to go to London. I hate…no, I loathe, the idea of going to London. Just the thought of it makes me feel like I'm choking. It makes me feel like vomiting, but you don't get it, do you! If we don't do this, you're just going to resent me. You'll grow to hate me again, and I—I—" Mac's throat had tightened to a point where she could no longer squeeze any words out. She forced herself to take several deep, shuddering breaths, knowing she needed to go get Jace but wanting to be calmer first. She started to step away, but Harm's hand on her arm stopped her.

"Mac, goddammit, I never resented you. I never hated you! Haven't we been through this before? So. Many. Times?"

Mac whirled on him. "Never? My god, Harm! Three years ago, I stood in this very room, wanting to thank you for giving up everything to save me, knowing I had been absolutely awful to you before. I wanted to apologize and take everything back, but you were so angry and cruel. You clearly hated me. You resented me, and I never, ever want to go through that again. I don't want something to go wrong and have you decide that you made a mistake in following me a second time. I don't want you to realize that you gave up too much for me yet again, and we both know I have no way to make it up to you. So, Harm, there is no way I'll ever let you give up anything for me like you did before." With that, she turned on her heel and was halfway to the bedroom before she heard Harm's voice behind her.

"Mac, baby…"

"I need to get to Jace." The baby's cries hadn't lessened in the least, and her heart hurt that they'd caused their little boy such distress.

"Let me, Mac. I'll get him." He followed behind her.

"No. Just—just go, Harm. I need…I need you to…"

"You want me to leave."

Mac turned back to him at the top of the steps, her face a wash of tears as she looked down at him. "You needed your time alone tonight…give me mine." She didn't wait for him to answer, but she did hear the door slam as he left their apartment once again.


Harm was furious. Angry. Mad. Mac had actually kicked him out of his apartment. And…he didn't blame her. Not in the least. His anger was directed solely at himself. Yes, he'd had a brief moment when it had been aimed at his fiancée, but the cold that assailed him as he stepped outside was like a slap in the face that brought him instantly back to reality.

"You're an ass, Rabb," he grumbled to himself, smacking his hand on the steering wheel. Currently he was in his parking lot, had been for the last forty minutes. He was in the Lexus this time, but he hadn't even turned it on. Well, he'd started to, intending to take another drive around the city, but then he'd immediately turned the key back with a curse. He couldn't leave her. Not when he'd fucked up so badly.

He just wasn't sure if she would let him back in.

Harm had gone for his long drive after he left McMurphy's intending to blow off steam. It had worked for a moment, but as he'd taken the last few turns back to his apartment, his well-developed sense of righteous indignation took over, and by the time he'd made it inside the loft, he was fuming. How dare Mac not trust him. Believe him. He hadn't counted on her insecurities rearing their ugly head, and instead of comforting her, reassuring her, he'd gone on the attack. The unwanted but sage advice given to him by his former CO was forgotten, and he'd turned into the snide jackass that had tormented and infuriated Mac for years.

"Goddammit!" he shouted, his breath a visible cloud in this unseasonably frigid night. He shifted in his seat to see the lights were all off in the loft again and decided that he'd been a coward long enough. It was time to make things right with Mac and tell her what he'd really wanted to tell her tonight—the absolute truth that he wanted to go to Montana as much as she did.


As quietly as possible, Harm unlocked the door and stepped inside…and nearly tripped over the huge ball of fur that was Nicodemus O'Hara. Stifling a curse, Harm moved to step around the cat, only to have Nic plop himself in front of him once again. Obviously, the animal had been waiting for him, and Harm had no doubt that the beast had murderous intentions.

Taking his life in his hands and risking having his face clawed off by Mac's protective pet, Harm knelt down to "eye" level with the cat. Nic's ears flattened for a moment and Harm saw a flash of teeth, but he held his ground. "Nic…look, I fucked up. Utterly. Miserably," he whispered. "I'm going to go in there an apologize to Mac. I'm going to tell her the truth—that I want nothing more to go to Montana to be with her, Jace, and even you, you devil cat. So, are you going to let me do this or not?"

Nicodemus's glowing eyes stared back at Harm for several long seconds, and then, to Harm's relief, the cat stepped aside. "Thank you, Nic," Harm acknowledged, then stood, suppressing a groan as his aging but still strong muscles protested. Nicodemus gave him a flick of his tail, then turned around and began to wash his nether regions, an obvious sign of disrespect. Mac's beloved pet would apparently allow Harm the chance to grovel to Mac, but still wanted Harm to know what he thought of him. Harm rolled his eyes, then quickly turned to go into the darkened bedroom before Nic could stop him…and before Harm could think too deeply on the fact that he'd just pleaded his case to a cat and hadn't even questioned the need for it.


End Chapter 39