Chapter Fifty-Eight
Clay felt something hard but at the same time, soft against his back. He knew that he was laying on his back on the solid ground. The dirt was soft as he felt it sink a little with his weight but was hard enough to hold him in place. Slowly he moved his fingers to it brushed against the dirt and what felt like blades of grass. They were soft and from the feel of them, young. They were short which meant that they had only just come through a few weeks ago but they were strong. He knew that he was laid in the middle of a patch of grass.
But that didn't make much sense. He hadn't been near grass. The last thing he could remember was being on Frank's boat. Wasn't it? What if he had been wrong? What had happened to him? It didn't make sense, none of it.
He took a few moments to listen to the world around him. He needed to work out where he was and Willow once told him that sounds around him could help him work out what the landscape around him was like but also if he was in immediate danger or if he was safe. However, listening to the world around him only made him worry even more. The world was silent. There were no sounds from the distance either. It was like someone had turned the volume off in the world.
There wasn't even the sound of wind through the grass, which was strange as the air around him felt cool on his skin. It was like if a breeze was passing through the air but only enough to keep the heat off his skin. But normally he would be able to feel the breeze over his skin but here he couldn't.
The air around him was still and the heat wasn't too overpowering. To be honest with himself, the temperature was just right for him, even if he knew one of his brothers would be complaining right now that it was too hot for any normal human to survive in this weather for long. His big Texas brother often forgot that he grew up in Africa. Then yet again, Sonny did grow up in Texas so why didn't he like the heat? That man got stranger and stranger every day.
Since he wasn't getting anything from the sounds, with a deep breath he finally opened his eyes even a little bit to see where he was. He had to be careful. He knew what happened if he opened his eyes too fast. He didn't want to feel his head nearly physically explode again. No. He could live without feeling that type of pain again.
As he opened his eyes, he found that the world around him wasn't too bright nor was it too dark either. The only way he could describe it was like it was a late early autumn afternoon. There was enough light that he could see comfortably and it didn't make him feel like his head was about to split open if he kept them open too long.
It took him a few seconds and blinking more times than normal to make sure he wasn't seeing things. What he saw, he couldn't believe it. It didn't look real. It couldn't be. Could it?
He was staring up at a crystal blue sky. In all his life, he had never seen a sky so blue before. It was beautiful. Almost magical. Even in Africa, where he could see every star in the night's sky, the sky had never been this clear. There was no sign of pollution from a city or the sign of a storm coming in. In fact, there wasn't a cloud to be seen. In his head, he had thought that the fact that the sky was so clear that he must be dreaming. It couldn't be real. Right?
After a few moments of just staring up at it, he knew that he needed to work out where he was. He turned his head slightly without moving his body just in case he was hurt anywhere and he couldn't feel it just yet. He knew that his limbs were all attached and in one piece but that didn't mean that he wasn't hurt.
As he looked around him he found out that he had been right, he was laying on grass. And it wasn't just a patch of grass. He was laying in the middle of a lush green field that ran for miles. It was beautiful.
He slowly pushed himself up so that he was sitting and for the first time noticed that he wasn't wearing the same thing that he remembered picking out in the morning. Or yesterday morning… or whatever day it was. Instead, he was in some light denim jeans, white trainers and a pale blue shirt. But they weren't his. He knew that he didn't own anything this nice. But what confused him more was the fact that his clothes weren't stained from the grass or the mud underneath it. They were clean.
He then turned back to the field he was laying in, he searched around looking for any landmarks that told him where he was. There had to be a fence line that he could follow to a road or maybe a house. But as he searched the horizon, he couldn't see anything. Then it hit him. There wasn't anything on the horizon. It was like the field ran for miles. It kept going. But that couldn't be right, every field had a boundary line so where was it?
As he searched for it, he looked a little more carefully at the ground around him and it was then that he noticed something else that was strange on top of everything else. There was no sign of how he had gotten here so how had he? He couldn't just appear there.
Fear crept into his heart and his head. Where the hell was he?
Then a voice flowed into his left ear. A soft quiet sound that at first didn't sound like it was nothing but the wind. However, after the third time, his mind started to believe that the whispers were in fact saying words instead of just noise. And it didn't take him long to work out what the voice was saying. His name. The very thought of it scared the crap out of him. But at the same time, the voice calmed him. It was weird and very difficult to explain but in his heart and body, he knew that voice. It was familiar but he couldn't place it. Not at first anyway.
As the voice became louder, he forced himself to his feet and quickly turned, feeling the adrenaline race through his veins. Ready to face whoever was standing right behind him. He was ready. If he had to fight then he would. As the voice spoke again he turned quickly, ready to defend himself if he had too but then felt his entire body freeze with shock.
Even though the voice was so clear and sounded like the person was right behind him. He was alone. There was no one where. But he had been so certain that the person who had been calling his name had been right behind him. A horrible thought then crossed his mind, he had heard stories of operators going mad by hearing voices and noises that aren't there. But it had been, hadn't it? Maybe he was going mad?
But then his eyes snapped onto the real reason his body had frozen, the voice forgotten. He had been so focused on the voice that he had forgotten to look behind him, a rookie mistake. Adam would have his arse if he was here. Hell, all of his instructors would. He was always taught to check behind and yet here, he hadn't. Clay shook his head to get rid of the thought as he focused on what was standing in front of him. Instead of more of the lush green field, he was facing an ancient oak wood. It was old, he knew that much. And like the field, it looked like it ran for miles and miles. He couldn't help but think of when he was a child and reading Lord of the Rings for the first time. This forest reminded him so much of Fangorn. A wild and an ancient forest.
As his eye searched the trees he felt drawn towards it, like something was summoning him. However, he wasn't afraid of the feeling. He didn't know why nor could he explain it. But it felt safe. Like he was meant to be in there, and the wood was his now home.
Then the voice started again. But this time coming from the wood, it was like the voice was bouncing off the trees before getting to him. If there was wind, he would say that the voice was moving with it. But there wasn't any.
"Hello…" Clay called into the wood, hoping, dreaming that he would get a response only so he could get some answers at where he was but then again he was alone. He could defend himself if there were a few attackers but if they were armed or too many then he would die. But that was ok. He had made his peace a long time ago. This voice was calling his name, kept calling it. And now he wanted to know who that was. He was ready to face whatever came his way. He had never backed down from a fight.
Clay with a deep breath, he started to move towards the wood. He needed to find this person who was calling to him, find out what they wanted and why they were calling to him. He was no one important. And yet this person was calling for him. He knew that Jason would make him run hills for a month when he found out that he had followed a voice without trying to get the voice to come to him out in the open. But he couldn't stop his body, it was like it had a mind of his own. It wanted to go to the voice. So he was.
"Hello…" Clay called again as he started to check behind each tree he passed just in case the person was hiding from him. Like some kind of hide and seek game. He remembered playing that game with William when they were younger. William could never find him. He chuckled thinking about how many times his friend had passed him trying to hind him. In the end, he did learn but only when Willow had pointed it out. Always lookup. He could climb any tree, even one that looked impossible. His grandmother used to call him her little monkey as he felt more at peace in the trees like a monkey instead of being on the ground. Maybe that was why he was so good at being a sniper.
Looking more closely at the tree trucks he found that this wood was very much alive. All the trees were all at different ages of growth. Some larger than others. Clay suddenly found himself falling as his foot caught under one of their large roots. He only saved himself by grabbing onto one of the trucks or he would have face-planted the ground. But he knew that it wouldn't hurt that much, embarrassing but survivable. The forest floor was littered with brush and leaves giving the floor a soft and slight spring underfoot.
He pulled himself back up and looked deeper into the forest. The tree canopy cut out most of the light coming from the sky, giving the whole place a mysterious look. And yet when the light did break through the canopy, it showed the true beauty of the forest. This place looked untouched, unbreakable and alive. Nothing could harm it and yet it looked so vulnerable. There weren't many woods like this left, often they were destroyed to make room for concrete buildings made with glass. It was one of the reasons why he hated living in the cities. He was so used to nature. It was how he was made. And that wasn't going to change.
"Hello...Is anyone there?" Clay asked as the voice continued to call his name. This was driving him insane, he needed to know who was calling to him and he needed to know now.
"Show yourself" He called as he stood in the middle of four large oak trees. He turned to check each side to make sure no one was corning him and found nothing. "Who's there?"
His body then froze, he had that feeling again that he wasn't alone. Someone was standing behind him. However he then remembered what had happened last time, maybe his instincts weren't working properly.
"Hi Buddy," the voice said, causing him to turn sharply. He couldn't believe it. No, he was going mad. He couldn't be here.
"Brian?" Clay whispered, not able to hold back a few tears that fell from his eyes. Brian was standing right there. He thought that he would never see his best friend again.
"Who else?" Brian asked, shrugging his shoulders with a grin plastered on his face.
Clay didn't care that his head was screaming at him that Brian couldn't be here, he was dead; his best friend was standing right there and he couldn't help but feel happy. His eyes searched for any sign of injury on Brian's body before charging over to his best friend and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. And buried his head into the other man's shoulder. He could feel Brian's arms around him pulling him tightly into him. If anyone saw them it would be like two brothers who hadn't seen each other for years. And it was like that. Brian was his brother in every way other than blood. He may have only known him a few months but he was family.
But then Clay remembered Brian's fall. He knew Brian was dead. He had to be, no one could survive a fall like that. And he had seen Brian's body afterwards. Adam had tried to stop him but he wasn't about to listen to someone who said that he couldn't see his friend. Brian was the only one on Green Team who didn't see or treat him differently because of his last name. He didn't see Ash, he saw him. "You can't be here...you're de…" Clay whispered as he pulled away from Brian but kept both hands on the other man's shoulder. He couldn't let Brian go again.
"I know," Brian said calmly.
Clay was gobsmacked. Brian was talking like this was a normal conversation. Like he talked about his death to anyone. "What?" Clay whispered, his eyes running over Brian's shirt and seeing no signs of the carved chest and to his legs that looked normal in his grey trousers.
"It's ok," Brian said, catching Clay's attention. He could see the panic that was settling in on his brother.
"No, it's not, you're dead." Clay snapped moving away from Brian like he was infectious or something. He couldn't be hearing this. He shouldn't be. Brian was dead and yet he touched him.
However, Brian stopped him. Holding onto one of arms he pulled Clay back to him. "Clay it's ok." He repeated.
"If I can see you…" Clay said, his head running at a hundred miles an hour, "...touch you…." He said gripping hold of Brian's outstretched arm. "Does that mean?" He asked, shaking his head.
Everything was starting to make sense, where he was, his clothes, Brian. It terrified him and yet calmed him because he knew what was going on. He was dead. That was why he could touch Brian and talk to him. He was dead too. He had no idea what had happened nor did he care in a sense. He was done and he couldn't change that.
Brian smiled softly and then spoke. "You're somewhere in between."
Clay looked at him Brian, more confused than before. What did he mean that he was somewhere in between? You were either dead or not, right?
Brian saw the confused look so he sighed and thought carefully about the words that he was going to use. He had too, Clay was too vulnerable right now. "You're still alive." He said as he looked around them, he didn't know if he was doing this right but he knew that he had too. Clay needed to understand why he was here, " But closer to us than you are to them." He ended, he knew that they weren't alone and that there were others around waiting to see Clay but right now it was his time. And boy, did he need it.
He knew that Clay carried his death with him. Blamed himself for it. Which was stupid and he wanted to tell him so but he knew Clay too well as well. Clay wouldn't believe something that was simply told to him. He had to believe it. His death was nothing more than an accident. Plain and simple. An accident. No one was to blame for it nor could anyone explain why it happened. But that was the definition of an accident. No one was at fault, and especially Clay.
As he turned his attention back to Clay he noticed the confused look still on Clay's face, he smiled. He missed his little brother. "You still have a chance to go back, if you want too." He added. He wanted Clay to stay, be with him but that would make him selfish. Clay had so much more to do with his life. They would meet again, one day. And then he could tell him all about working with Bravo, saving people and doing what he loved. One day. But that day was not now.
"Then why are you here?" Clay asked, having to force the words out. If Brian was telling the truth then he wasn't dead yet which meant that he could go back. Right? But if he could go back then why could he see Brian. He knew all about the tales of people who saw the dead when the time was close but he never believed it.
Brain smiled at Clay and shrugged his shoulders, "Thought I would keep you company for a while until you decide what you want to do." He knew that if Clay had his way then he would be alone, his brother always thought that whatever happened to him, he deserved it. Even when he didn't.
"You shouldn't be here," Clay muttered, closing his eyes and wishing he could change the past. He had always dreamed of this moment, seeing Brian again and telling him that he was so sorry that he died because of him. The guilt that he carried sometimes got too much for him to bear and now he had that chance.
"Clay…" Brian started but Clay pulled away and cut him off.
"No. I was meant to have that parachute, not your's. I was the one that was meant to…" Clay said moving back once again but this time Brian didn't stop him. He knew that he couldn't. His friend needed to air out his pain before it destroyed him.
"No. My death wasn't on you. It was an accident. Shit happens, we all know that. It was just my time, that's all." Brian said with a lot more force as he followed Clay. He wasn't about to let his friend blame himself for his death. Not when he could correct him. And before Clay could argue with him he quickly added, "Look we can fight about it all you want but you can't change the past. No one can. I accepted it, so do you." And he had.
He had accepted that he was going to die as soon as his chute failed to open. He knew that Clay would mourn him right and carry on for him. Clay was the only family he needed and knew that his little brother would do right by him.
But then his chain of thought stopped, he knew that Clay was a fighter. He had seen it all throughout Green Team. He fought to be the best to show others that he was so, so why was he here? Why wasn't he fighting? At first, he had thought that maybe Clay's injuries were the reason for him being here but now seeing him and watching the pain that was written all over his face, he knew better.
Clay was here because that was what he wanted. He wanted to die.
"That's why you're not fighting, isn't it? You think you deserve to die?" He asked hoping that he was wrong and that Clay was going to turn around and yell at him for thinking that. But he didn't, instead, Clay turned away from him taking a few steps away from him.
"As you said, if it's my time, it's my time." He muttered as he moved. He knew that Brian was about to kick off with him but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was to just end this all and allow himself to be alone forever.
"No," Brian said shaking with a wave of new anger, how dare Clay think that he was worth nothing? How dare he just give up? In that moment he stormed after Clay, grabbing his arm and turning him to look at him.
"It's not. We wouldn't be having this conversation if it was your time. You still have things to do. People to help. You have so much left to do. Running your own team? Saving people who need you. You've got an amazing family with Bravo and…" He said, shaking his head. But looking at Clay broke him even more. Clay looked broken. It was the only way he could describe him. Broken.
"Well, I'm done," Clay yelled pulling away from Brian as he had just burned him. He was done. He didn't want to fight. " I can't do this anymore." He cried, gripping his head with his hands. Doing his best to stop the pain that was now ringing through his skull.
"What?" Brian demanded. He needed to get Clay to tell him what was going on. Clay Spencer didn't quit. Not now not ever so what the hell was happening to him?
"Losing people!" Clay yelled but this time he just stared at Brian who had frozen to the spot.
He was now fully crying and he didn't care. All the pain that was inside him was now pouring out of him and there was no stopping it. "I lost my Grandparents, Richard, you, Adam… I keep losing people I care about and every time I lose someone, I lose more of myself. I might look fine to everyone and might try to act it but I can't see myself when I look in a mirror anymore. It's just some stranger."
Clay knew that he was breaking, but he didn't care. He didn't even know himself anymore. He was a stranger in his own body. How was he meant to continue when he didn't even know who he was anymore? How could others trust him with their own lives if he couldn't even trust himself with his own?
"I thought I could do this, keep my emotions in check, keep them controlled…" Clay knew that he was ranting but he couldn't stop the words from coming. He had never spoken to anyone about what he was feeling because he knew that no one would listen. He had to be the best or people would just give him grief. He had built so many walls inside himself in order to protect himself that he didn't have to deal with it. But now those walls were collapsing into dust. Everything that he had locked away was hitting him at once.
"Clay you're not a robot," Brian said he knew that right now Clay wished he was. But he was glad that he wasn't. Clay was the kindest person he had met when he dropped the act that he had going. He knew that Clay had built that up in order to protect himself but it made him out to be fake.
"Wish I was," Clay muttered as he once again walked away from Brian. He wished that he could just so he could get on with life and not worry about his emotions getting in the way.
Brian knew that he was losing Clay, and if he didn't act now then he would lose him for good. "What about Bravo?" He asked. He had seen how close Clay had gotten with Bravo over the years, they had become his family. A family that he had never had before. Just by watching them together, he knew that they would suffer if they lost Clay like this. It would break them.
Clay shrugged his shoulder, "They were fine before me and they will be fine with me gone. Maybe even better." As much as it hurt him to say it, he knew that it was also true. Bravo would move on, find someone new to replace him. That was how the teams worked. They moved on after losing one of their own. It was their job. Fight, lose friends and move on. It might sound harsh but that was the job. They knew that any day could be their last.
"You're stupid if you think that. You are more to them than just another teammate. " Brian said, shaking his head. He knew that Clay saw Bravo as his brothers and Jason...well Jason was pretty much Clay's adopted father. If they lost him then Bravo would never recover. He knew that by only watching Clay with them, but he knew someone else who said the same with even more evidence than he had.
"That's the life though, right? Lose a brother, deal with it then replace them." Clay muttered. It cut deep having to say it but right now he didn't care. He just wanted everything to be over with. Jason and Sonny would take the longest to get over him but they would in the end. Sonny was a born operator which meant that in the end, he would move on which was the best thing for the team. And Jason would find someone else to find annoying. They would in the end forget about him. Which is what he wanted.
"Shut up talking crap Clay," Brian said Clay was talking out of his arse right now and he so wanted to walk over there and slap him over the head for talking like that.
But Clay didn't want to hear it. Instead, he muttered a 'Whatever' and finally walked away from Brian. It hurt so much to do so but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was die so why wasn't Brian letting him? Bravo would move on and continue to be the best. They didn't need him.
"Thought I taught you that the Teams were Family?" A voice from behind said.
Clay shot round to see Adam stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and giving him the same look he had given him during Green Team. He couldn't believe that he was there. "Adam?" He asked he knew that it was a stupid question but it was all he could say.
"Hi Kid," Adam said with a smile. God, did the kid look like crap.
"What are you…?" Clay started to ask but Adam very quickly cut him off.
"Guess you never listened to me, do you? Thought I got through that thick skull of yours that the teams are a family, so why the hell aren't you fighting to go back to them?" Adam demanded. He knew that the kid was hurting but he also knew that the kid needed the push. The kid hadn't been given an easy hand in life and during training the man, he had found out that the kid never wanted to be told how good he was. He wanted to know how he could improve. It was why he had wanted him on Bravo. They would shape the kid into one hell of an operator who would make a difference.
"Team members can be replaced. Bravo will move on soon enough." Clay said again, knowing that he was repeating himself but this time with Adam. He also knew that Adam would be more straight with him than Brian was. But that only meant that his fight would be a lot harder. Adam knew all of his tells, he had no idea how but he did.
When they had lost Adam, Ray had taken charge. He had failed to be the Bravo Two that the team needed and it had almost cost some students their lives. Sure he had made sure that they had brought Adam home but that was it. He was the reason why they had lost him. Why Jason and Ray had lost a close friend. He was nothing more than a failure and a problem for Bravo. They would move on, with time if not before.
"Why the hell do you think that? Don't you know Jason at all?" Adam said, shaking his head. He so very much wanted to slap the kid over the head for thinking he was worthless. If Bravo lost Clay then they would also lose Jason. He had known Jason for years and knew that the man, who was one of the best operators he knew, would carry Clay's death to the grave. He would blame himself so much that it would in turn destroy him.
After a few moments of silence, Adam knew that Clay wasn't about to say anything else. So he continued, "Kid the man sees you more like a son than anything else. God, I've never seen him act towards a team member like he does with you. He treats you like a son. Losing you will kill him. I'm sure of that."
He needed the kid to understand how much he had changed Bravo, he knew that he would which was why he had pointed him out to Ray. And he had been right. The kid had made Bravo into more of a family unit than ever before which in turn had made them one of the DEVGRU's best units.
"I'm not his son." Clay stated not understanding what Adam was getting at.
Adam chuckled to himself, why couldn't the kid see it? Jason might be seen as a tough son of a bitch but he had a strong heart and for those he cared about, he would walk the length of the earth to help. With Clay, he had taken the kid into his home in more ways than one. He had started to mould the kid into the next Bravo One without even noticing he was doing it. "Maybe not by blood but you are his kid, Clay," Adam said, shaking his head.
Clay stared at the floor, he didn't want to talk about Bravo and Jason anymore which meant he had to address another topic that he had promised himself to ask Adam when he finally met with him when he died. "Why did you do it?" He asked quickly.
"Do what? Push for you to be on Bravo?" Adam asked a little confused at where Clay was going with this.
"No," Clay said a little more strongly and looked up at Adam. He needed to look at him when he said this. He needed to understand why he had done it. "Why did you push me out of the way and take on that guy with an S-Vest?"
Adam froze at the question, he had not expected Clay to ask him that. He had only done what was natural for him. Protect his men. That was his job as Bravo One. He remembered the fear of when Trent had told them that Clay wasn't breathing after being hit by that sniper. He had promised Jason that he would bring his men home, and he had. He knew that he had been a little hard on the kid after he had been shot but that was how he worked and the kid had come through for them. He had brought him home.
"You ripped into me on Green team about doing something stupid like that and then you went and did the exact same time and it cost you your life." Clay said shaking his head, he remembered everything that Adam had told him.
"I knew what I was doing," Adam stated. He wasn't going to tell Clay that he didn't want to die but at the same time, he had to protect his brothers and if that meant giving his life then so be it. They protected their own. A saying that he lived by.
Clay snorted and shook his head, "So did I. You protect each other's back whether that be in training or in the field. And yet you ripped into me."
"No Seal is expendable. I had to get that through to you. Your life isn't worthless. I wasn't about to send you out onto a team if you weren't going to think about your own life. When a Seal doesn't care if he lives or dies is a Seal that isn't fit to be out there." Adam said moving towards Clay. He needed to get the idea that he was worthless out of the kid's head. Clay needed to live. That was clear to him. He needed to fight and he was going to make sure that he did.
"But you getting yourself killed instead of me was ok?" Clay demanded feeling all the anger that he had felt towards Adam grow even more. How dare Adam die on him when it should have been him? Just like Brian.
"Yes. I have to make sure you all got home. For Jason. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if we lost you. He already lost Alana, losing you would break him." Adam explained. As much as it hurt him to admit it, he had been getting a feeling the entire mission that this one would be his last. He didn't know how he knew but he did. And he had been right.
Jason wouldn't have been able to handle losing anyone on Bravo so soon after Alana. Those boys were his family and he needed them intact.
"Losing you did," Clay muttered. He remembered watching as Jason battled his demons and the guilt that he had for sending Adam in his place. They had all seen it.
"He healed though. With your help." Adam stated. And they both knew that it was true.
"You mean me questioning him at every turn?" Clay asked. He knew that he had been crossing a line in Mexico but someone had to say it. Jason was acting odd the entire time they were there. So much so that he was questioning his own orders. They all had been. He had just been the one stupid enough to say it out loud.
"By challenging him you got him to think about his actions. Kid, you have saved Bravo in more ways than you could ever think of. They needed someone both off and on the ground. You were that person." Adam said, now so close to Clay that he could place his finger onto the kid's chest as he spoke. He needed the kid to see that he was something to them all and not just someone who could be easily replaced.
"They hated me to start with." Clay said he knew that Adam was right in some ways but in others, he was so wrong. He remembered when he had first joined Bravo and had wondered if he had made a big mistake as he knew that they hated him. Thankfully it had only been Sonny and Jason to openly say and act like they didn't like him. But that had been enough to question if he was in the right role.
Adam chuckled, "Well kid, you did have a bit of an ego problem in the beginning but look how far you have come. They see you as family and yes Bravo has been seen as the team that works more as a family than by rank but that is the same reason why Bravo is so good."
"But it also is what kills us," Clay muttered as he ran his hand over his leg where he had been hurt in the bombing. They all knew that tomorrow was a gift for them.
"Kid, we all have a number and back then it was mine. Not yours." Adam said softly.
"I have nobody…" Clay admitted, "No one will care if I die. You had a wife and a daughter." Clay hated just the fact that he had been the reason why a wife and daughter would have to live without their husband and father with them because he was weak. No one would care if that had been him. The world would have moved on.
"You do. Bravo. And kid, your death would hurt more people than you think. Jason, his kids and the guys. Not to mention all those who work around you who care. Do you know how many update requests I got when you were on Green Team? Every bloody team on DEVGRU wanted you. Not for being Ash's son but from the legend you left in Team Three. You were the youngest ever to take command, best sniper...hell kid you are a team guy through and through. You have the biggest family that I know of. And they need you." Adam said as he gripped hold of Clay's arm for the first time.
It broke him a little for Clay to think that he was worthless and was alone in the world when he had one of the biggest, strongest families that he knew. DEVGRU was a family, they may fight but what family didn't? Clay would never be alone. Their brothers would see to that.
"As for my family…" Adam said with a soft smile. "Victoria is strong and so is Hannah. I wasn't there for most of her life so I know she will be ok and Victoria… she is the strongest person I have ever known. She will get through it. I watch over them as much as I can, and they are doing just fine without me."
God did he miss his daughter and his wife, he had missed so much of their lives when he had been active but he knew that they were both strong women that could look after themselves. Also, he knew that his brothers would be there for them if they ever needed them.
"It's still not fair…" Clay said as he moved away from Adam. He understood why Adam was telling him those things, it was the same with Brian. They both wanted him to fight to live. But that wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to live anymore. "Why don't I get a choice when I'm done?" He asked himself as he walked. He didn't notice anything around him, all he cared about was putting one foot in front of another to get away from Adam.
"None of us do, monkey."
The voice caused Clay to free once more. It was a voice that he had thought he would never hear again.
"Grandma?" He asked as he ran towards the voice. And there she was. But she wasn't alone. "Pop?" Standing a few steps behind her was his Grandfather. Both smiling at him.
His Grandmother opened her arms and without a thought Clay allowed himself to fall into them. At that moment he felt safe. Safer than he had ever felt before. To be in her arms again, he knew that nothing could hurt him. Then he felt another set of arms around him but he didn't mind as he knew who they belonged to. With one hand on top of his head, his grandfather was muttering small phrases that he had heard since that day. "There is my boy." He said at one point as he softly kissed his head.
With a sniff, Clay pulled away from them so he could look at them properly. But before he could speak, his grandmother placed her hand onto his cheek rubbing her thumb over his cheekbone.
"You have grown into a fine young man. I'm so proud of you. We both are." She said softly. It pained her to see her only grandchild so broken and upset. But as she said, bottling up emotions only made the pain worse. But she was here now for him, she could make it right.
"I'm just so tired." Clay cried. All he wanted to do was sleep. Sleep forever. Why couldn't he just do that?
"I know baby. But you have so much left to do before your time is over monkey." She said softly, she knew that this was not what Clay wanted to hear as she could tell that he had had enough.
"What if I don't want to?" Clay asked, doing his best not to raise his voice. Mainly because his grandmother would ring his neck if he did.
"Clayton, we all have to do things in our lives that seem unfair or too much to ask however we wouldn't have been given those roles in the first place if someone did not believe in us." His grandfather explained.
"I lost you. I lost you both. I tried to forget it all. What they did to you... Wasn't right…" Clay said shaking his head as the images of his grandfather's death came full force that he thought he would collapse if it hadn't been for his grandfather's arms still being wrapped around him.
"No it wasn't," He said.
Clay shook his head, he had forgotten that his grandfather was a man of a few words. He wouldn't speak unless he had something worth saying. "I miss you both so much." He said, smiling a little. And he did. He missed them every day. They had been the reason he was the man he was today.
"I miss you too kiddo, you kept me on my toes all those years always wanting to learn something new." His grandfather said with a small chuckle. His grandson loved to learn, it didn't matter what it was. He would learn it.
"I learned so much from you. Even now, I learn stuff by remembering stuff you taught me." Clay said nodding. His thirst for knowledge had always come from his grandfather, there was no way he had gotten it from Ash.
"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see." He said with a smile. He knew Clay understood the reference.
"Winston Churchill, one of your favourites." Clay stated.
"You remembered that one I see?" He asked.
Clay nodded, he had stolen the book from his grandfather's room and had completed it within three hours. A personal best.
"Remember when you used to hide away with that book of yours? You must have been what four at the time?" He said, hoping that making Clay remember happier times would outweigh the bad. He had seen the painful flashes in Clay's eyes. He knew that Clay had witnessed his death and that must have scarred the boy for life.
"Was that the one on English history or one of those language's books?" Clay asked, thinking back to all the books he had read.
"No, that old Russian storybook." His grandfather said, trying to remember it himself.
"You mean the Волшебник Изумрудного Города?" Clay said without thinking.
His grandfather looked confused. "English kiddo?
"The Wizard of the Emerald City." Clay translated. He hadn't spoken Russian in years, not many Commanders like the idea of a Seal speaking the language with everything that happened with Russia so he had stopped using it. But he had always remembered it.
"Yer that one. You loved to learn new languages, the neighbours and other aid works often brought books for you when they were passing through so you could learn a new one. You learned Russian in three days, French in two." His grandfather said.
"They are easy," Clay said, shrugging his shoulders. So he loved to learn, so what?
"No, you like a challenge." His grandmother said rubbing Clay's arm this time.
Clay nodded, it would be lying if he said that he didn't like it. But he had a feeling that he was about to hear why they were bringing it up.
"Then why are you not fighting now? You are making us so proud. You have become a man whom we are proud to call ours." His grandmother said softly but sternly.
Clay knew that there was no point fighting her as he would lose. "What about you?" He asked softly, almost childlike. But he didn't care, not with his grandparents.
"We will be right here son when it is your time." His grandfather said pulling him down a little and kissing his forehead. "Don't forget that."
Clay closed his eyes as he felt his grandmother kiss his cheek. He didn't want to see them vanish. He wanted to stay with them but knew that they would never allow it. They had told him to fight so he had too. He had to make them proud. With a deep breath, Clay opened his eyes hoping that they would still be there but found himself alone. He choked a sob down but before he could think straight a woman appeared to his left. He knew her but at the same time, couldn't place her. Her long blonde hair sat against her shoulders.
Just as he was about to ask her who she was the whole world started to become so bright. It was like someone had turned the light on full and it burned his eyes to even look at her. His head felt like it was going to explode like someone had left a bomb off inside of it. The woman looked calmed and reached out for him. He tried to grab her hand but felt himself falling away from her.
"мой сын" Was the last thing he heard before the whole world went black.
