LEXA

It was the next morning and Lexa hadn't gotten much sleep throughout the night, after talking to Raven she meditated for a while before joining Clarke in bed. She girl was still wide awake until Lexa wrapped her arms around her, and she relaxed.

When she woke Clarke was no longer in bed which was rare since Lexa usually woke before her. After talking to her guards she learned that she was in medical checking on Lincoln's condition. Lexa was worried about the boy too, but she been worried about a lot lately so that just joined her list.

After getting dressed she decided to go and check on the Natblida's something she hasn't done in a while. They were training as usual not blinking an eye when she showed up to watch. It was hard being here sometimes because she cared about these kids and knowing their fate made it harder to see them.

"Heda." Titus bowed before standing next to the women.

"How has training been?"

"Well, with war looming over us they are fighting harder. Almost all of them show great promise."

"And Aden, is he still doing well?" Lexa watched as two Natblida girls Taren and Flo sparred in front of them.

"He has stepped up; you were right to have faith in him." Titus replied, "If I may Heda I can respect your decision to allow Luna to live but to grant her access to my personal study is something I can not allow."

"Very well, her and Raven will take all the books they need to my study."

"Thank you Heda."

"I will come back tomorrow, I want to see Aden spar with Taren, she's doing well."

"Of course Heda." Titus bowed before walking back to the Natblida's,

Next on her list was to check on Clarke and Lincoln so the medical center was her next stop. It was less packed than the night before which was assuring.

"Commander." Abby smiled greeting the woman at the door.

"Abby how is everything?"

"We have less patients today so that's always good, we're only keeping people if we absolutely have to."

"And Lincoln?"

"He's… doing better, his fever progressed a bit and we're keeping him sedated for the pain."

"Any good news?" Lexa ask,

"He's alive." The woman smiled slightly, "Clarke and Octavia are with him now if you want to go back, maybe you can get Clarke to go rest."

Lexa nodded before heading to the boys cot, Octavia looked ragged sitting by Lincoln holding his hand but perked up a bit when she saw Lexa.

"Any news on Ontari?" Octavia asked,

"Not yet." The girls face fell instantly not into sadness but anger, "But we'll find her."

Clarke didn't say anything or even look Lexa's way she just continued sponging cold water onto the mans forehead.

"Abby says you're due for a break Clarke."

"I'm fine, I'll leave soon."

"You are pregnant Clarke you need to take it easy." Lexa sighed,

"So now me being pregnant means something?" The girl muttered clearly still upset from their discussion from last night,

"If you want to talk about this we can do it inside."

"I'm busy here, I'll leave soon." Clarke scoffed,

"You know where to find me." Lexa mumbled before leaving the room, she understood why Clarke was upset with her, but the cold shoulder was too hard to take.

"Lexa wait!" Lexa turned around in hopes of seeing Clarke but instead saw Octavia.

"Yes Octavia?"

"Please tell me you have a plan." Octavia looked as hopeless as she felt,

"Without knowing where Ontari is there is nothing I can do."

"There has to be something!"

"Without my death drawing her in I don't know what else to do." There was along pause of both girls trying to find some unthought of idea that would never surface.

"So then you die." Octavia finally said, "Just hear me out."

CLARKE POV

Clarke knew she had been harsh on Lexa, but she could barley look at the girl without feeling like crying. She knows Lexa loves her and their baby but the decision she came to last night was made too easily. Lexa is always ready to die for a cause or her people and she understood it, but she needed her to be selfish just once. Choose her over being commander, the choice she never wanted her to make.

Choose to live and fight together without their having to be some sort of sacrifice from either of them.

She finished helping her mother with a few other patients before heading back into the tower to finally talk to Lexa. They needed to talk about this as soon as possible.

The throne room was where she usually was these days so that was her first stop and as usual there was a group of people already there. Lexa noticed her and quickly walked over to her.

"Are you busy?" Clarke was sure something was happening, but she also didn't want to know if she wanted to know what.

"I'm never to busy for you Clarke, are you ok?"

"Can we talk for a second, maybe in the hall." Lexa nodded leading the way towards the door. "I'm sorry for how I acted earlier."

"You were right to be upset with me Clarke, I should've never even suggested that as an option. I'm right where I need to be with you and our baby girl." Lexa smiled placing her hand on the girl's baby bump, "I love you no matter how this ends just promise me you'll always remember that."

"Of course." Clarke searched the woman's eyes, was something up? "I love you more than anything Lexa with one exception of course. I can't keep talking about your death, I need you alive and by my side."

"And I will be, I promise."

"What's happening in there?"

"More strategizing, we're trying to come up with a plan."

"And you got O to leave Lincolns side?"

"She wanted to help; I know she just wants revenge which I understand but I'll keep an eye on her."

"Ok, I'm going to go lay down for a bit and maybe check on Raven and the city of light stuff."

"I love you." Lexa said caressing the girls face, they showed affection in public a few times, but this felt off. Clarke couldn't figure out why, but it did.

"I love you too." She leaned down to kiss the girl before turning back to the throne room.

Something was definitely off.

As Clarke was making her way to the library to see Raven she ran into a small girl running through the tower. She had never seen the girl before but after the attacks there have been a lot of new faces in Polis. The girl seemed scared as she ran past Clarke.

"Hey." She yelled causing the little girl to stop, "Are you ok?"

There was no answer just a little nod,

"What's your name?" Clarke asks crouching down to the girl,

"Madi." She mumbles,

"It's nice to meet you Madi, my name is Clarke." Clarke smiles,

"You're Wanheda?" She asked confused,

"Unfortunately, were you expecting some big scary monster?"

"Yes." Clarke laughed at the response,

"Are you headed back to your parents?"

"no." her face instantly turned sad, "They died in my village yesterday."

"I'm so sorry to hear that Madi, are you staying here in the palace with the other kids?" Clarke felt terrible she knew a few kids survived but she had hoped most had at least one parent.

"yes."

"Well I was just headed to the library would you like to join me?" Clarke smiled as the little girl nodded, "How old are you Madi?"

"Eight."

"Do you like drawing?" The girl nodded eagerly giving a faint smile, "Well we'll have to draw lots of pictures today, then won't we?"

LEXA POV

"Let's go over the plan one more time?" Lexa had no clue if this would work but she did know Clarke wouldn't like it.

"Jackson has the drug that will knock you out all we have to do is strap the night blood to your chest so when the arrows hit it'll be believable." Octavia said, "While you're knocked down from the shot, he'll shoot you with the drug, so you'll be unconscious and dead looking."

"And you're sure this will work?" Roan asked clearly not convinced,

"Do you have a different plan because as far as I can tell you've been pretty useless since you showed up." Octavia spat,

"What does Clarke think of this?" Roan asked ignoring Octavia's words, "She doesn't know does she?" Lexa's face said it all,

"I'm going to tell her when we have everything figured out." Lexa said,

"You shouldn't tell her; she'll just try to convince you not to do it." Octavia pointed out,

"I'm telling her, I don't want her to hear from someone else."

"Fine whatever." Lexa could see that Octavia clearly wasn't ok.

"Roan give us a moment please." Lexa waited for the room to be cleared, "You should go back to Lincoln, I can take it from here."

"No I need to be here when she comes."

"If she comes and who knows if it will be today." Lexa sighed, "Go back to him."

"I said no Lexa!"

"Why?" Lexa asked calmly,

"I'm not sitting and watching him die, I need to make sure that if he dies it's not for nothing."

"He's not dyin-."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" Octavia shouted,

"I don't but he's a fighter, so I know he has a good chance to survive this and he'll need you by his side."

"I'm not going."

"Fine, it's your choice. I need to go find Clarke."

"Hurry we have a tight window, me and Indra will start gathering the citizens for the meeting."

Lexa nodded before walking up to her room to search for the blonde, but she wasn't there, she then went to check with Raven before Indra found her.

"Heda it's time."

"I need to talk to Clarke first." Lexa persisted,

"We'll find her after, we're losing our window."

"Lexa what's up?" Raven asked as she was exiting the library

"Where is Clarke?"

"She left about thirty minutes ago; she's showing one of the kids around who survived the attack last night."

"Do you know where she is?"

"No I me-."

"Heda." Indra interrupted, "We need to go."

"Fine, Indra explain the plan to Raven. Find Clarke immediately and tell her please."

"Lexa wait!" Raven shouted after the girl, "What the hell?" She looked to Indra who started explaining what was happening.

CLARKES POV

"How many rooms are there here?" Madi asks as they walk into Clarke old bedroom.

"Honestly, I don't know, probably over 40." Clarke laughed watching Madi's eyes go wide at the number,

"That's a lot!"

"It is indeed, maybe on top of our reading lessons we can do some math." Clarke had volunteered to teaching the girl how to read while they were in the library. She was pretty taken with Madi, she could only hope her daughter would be as kind and smart as she is.

"Oooh can we go on there?" Madi pointed to the balcony,

"Sure come on." Clarke pulled the doors open revealing her old view of the front of the polis building which was now filled with people.

Clarke had no clue what was going on, was there an impromptu meeting called and no one notified her? She saw Lexa walk out onto the makeshift stage, she was talking to Indra and Octavia before she stepped up to talk.

"Citizens of Polis, thank you for coming tonight I know you all want answers about the recent attacks and I'm here to give them to you." Lexa shouted,

Clarke felt like this is something she should've been a part of, she should be by Lexa's side as she gave this speech.

She continued listening to the speech which to Clarke seemed very ramble like and unlike the Lexa she knows. As she continued to listen she noticed a something silver fly through the sky, when she looked back down she saw an arrow piercing Lexa through the stomach her pale shirt instantly turning black.

"NO!" This was it; it happened no matter how hard she prayed it didn't her worst nightmare had just came true. Tears were blocking her visions and she was sure she didn't know how to breathe anymore.

She could hear people saying her name, but she couldn't move, Lexa was the only thing on her mind. If she was dead, god she can't be dead because that's not how this was supposed to work. She was supposed to be here so they could grow old together and raise their kids. They were supposed to live and without Lexa she didn't know how.

"Clarke!"

This isn't real

"Clarke! Please listen."

This has to be some dream.

"Clarke!"

Yes a dream it has to be she's still asleep and this isn't real.

"CLARKE!" Raven shook the girl finally getting through to her, "You have to listen to me.-"

"Lexa is she-."

"No she's fine Clarke but I might kill her when I see her."

"I just saw, someone shot her! We need to find them." Clarke looked around the room seeing a scared Madi standing across the room,

"Clarke you need to let me explain, I tried to find you as soon as Indra told me the plan but-."

"What plan?"

LEXA POV

When Lexa opened her eyes, everything was blurry and dark, and she was pretty sure the room was spinning. After a second of staring at the ceiling her eyes had adjusted enough for her to look around.

She assumed she was in the underground rooms where they planned for her to go while they let off the smoke signaling the conclave has begun. Of course, that wasn't true, but they needed to sell this.

After finally gaining feeling back into her limps she slowly sat herself up enough to notice Clarke sitting across from her. Her expression was blank, but she knew the girl had been crying.

"Clarke."

"Don't." she shook her head, "I've been sitting her for last few days trying to figure out how you could do this. How you could let me see you get shot with an arrow in front of the whole village. How you could allow me to see that thinking you were really dead. Do you know how that felt Lexa?"

"I tried to find you, but we were running out of time."

"But then it all made sense." Clarke said ignoring the girl, "It made sense why everyone was gathered in the throne room and why you were acting weird. So, tell me commander, did you know about the plan then?"

Lexa hated the way the girl was looking at her, "Yes."

"So that means you had the chance to explain it, but you didn't."

"Cl-." Lexa paused as the door opened,

"Lexa, we have an update." Octavia said,

"It can wait." Clarke replied not looking at either girl,

"It can't Clarke, this is important." Octavia replied,

"I said it can fucking wait Octavia." Clarke shouted catching both girls off guard, "We're talking right now."

"Clarke, I understand that you're upset but we need to finish this." Octavia didn't have a once of sympathy in her voice,

"I'm glad to know you two are perfectly fine running around making decisions." Clarke snarked,

"Well someone had to, we need to end this Clarke. Lexa is fine, she's alive."

"How could you not tell me? You're supposed to be my family, right?" Clarke turned to her friend, "How could you not even attempt to include me in the plan at all."

"My family is sitting in a medical room right now dying! You don't have to be the ringleader of every plan Clarke." Octavia rolled her eyes, "And maybe it's best if you aren't, if you were someone would probably be dead right now."

"Octavia enough." Lexa warned,

"This is perfect actually." Clarke laughed, "You know what you're absolutely right O people die when I'm in charge, isn't that what Bellemy said? So how about you make all the decisions, oh wait you can't! None of you can that's why it always comes down to me to make the tough choice and then when it's over you can blame me when someone dies because everything is my fault."

"I'm done, I'm not doing this anymore. No one's life is in my hands except for my baby. No choices will be up to me so when the day comes, and you need me to be the bad guy because no one else will, I won't be here. I hope telling yourself you're doing this for Lincoln works for because it never did for me. We're done Octavia you can take your plan and shove it up your ass." Clarke grabbed her jacket and walked past both girls, she was done.

"Clarke please," Lexa begged chasing after her,

"I'm going to be staying in my old room for a while, don't worry I have guards placed everywhere so I'll be safe." The blonde said avoiding the watery green eyes boring into her,

"Clarke please-."

"I can't even look at you right now Lexa." The girl cried, "I can't because when I do I picture you dead with an arrow in your stomach and I can't handle it. As relieved as I was when Raven told me what was going on it doesn't help me unsee that."

"I'm so sorry Clarke please just stay down here and let me explain."

"Admit that you didn't tell me the plan earlier that day because you thought I wouldn't have been ok with it?"

"I was on my way to tell you Clarke." Lexa's tears where clouding her vision but she could still see how much the girl was hurting, "You promised, you said you would always remember that I love you and that you love me so please stay."

"Of course, I love you Lexa! I love you so much it hurts, and I just had to watch you die but you don't care about that!" She yelled, At least when I put myself in dangerous situations, I tell you first. We keep having the same fights, but I don't think you get it. So, until Ontari shows up and you're stuck down here maybe you can think about. You better hurry up wouldn't want to keep your partner Octavia waiting." Clarke quickly walked out of the door completely collapsing as soon as it was shut. At this rate she wished her body would just run out of tears, she had been crying constantly.

"Clarke." A voice whispered sitting next to her against the door,

"I don't understand how she could do this Raven." She leaned into the girl fully succumbing to her tears,

"I'm going to kill her, I'm so sorry Clarke I tried to find you-."

"No this isn't on you Raven, this is on Lexa."

"What did Octavia have to say?" Raven asks, "I saw her go in."

"Octavia can go to hell for all I care."

"That good huh." Raven mumbled, "Come on let's get to your room.

"You could've given us a minute!" Lexa yelled at the girl as she walked back in the room,

"She'll get over it."

"You know what, you're done Octavia. It's clear you can't separate your emotions from this so from now on I'll only speak to Indra."

"What the fuck Lexa?" Octavia was pissed, her knuckles were completely pale, and Lexa didn't know if the girl was going to attempt to hit her or not.

"Go be with Lincoln he needs you and I don't need this Octavia; I need the levelheaded strong sky girl turned warrior who can fight and obey orders without question and doesn't talk to her best friend the way you just did. We're all family Octavia and fighting won't do us any good."

Lexa watched as Octavia stormed out of the room leaving her alone with her thoughts. Thoughts about Clarke, she didn't know if the girl would ever forgive her. The look in her eyes was something she hadn't seen before, and it scared her.

She needed this to be over so she can mend everything between them.

"Heda, Octavia sent me." Indra said interrupting her thoughts,

"Yes, she said there is an update."

"We captured some of Ontari's soldiers, we think we found where she's hiding."

"They talked that quickly?"

"Well it's been about two and half days since you've been under the effects of that drug. Jackson said it would take a while for you to fully recover. But since then we've had two attempts on someone trying to infiltrate the tower to apparently recover your body."

"You caught them alive?"

"Yes, they've been questioned. They agreed to give up her location for their lives."

"And you agreed to that?"

"Of course, not Heda, we were waiting for you."

Lexa thought over her options and there was no way she could let any of them live.

"Make the deal and when we confirm Ontari's whereabouts kill them." Indra nodded before exiting once again leaving Lexa to her thoughts.

"Lexa?"

"Enter." Lexa was surprised to see Abby walk in with her medical bag,

"How are you feeling?" Abby asks,

"Fine." She was surprised, the women didn't seem mad at her at all,

"I told Jackson I would check you out, I hope that's ok."

"Of course, it is." Lexa nodded,

She sat quietly as Abby checked all of her vitals and heartbeat until she was finished and started repacking her things,

"Are you mad at me?" Lexa hated how small she sounded,

"Lexa."

"Because Clarke hates me, and I understand if you do to."

"Neither of us hate you sweety." Abby wrapped the crying girl into her arms lightly rocking her, "Clarke is just hurt, even if for a second she actually thought she had watched you die Lexa. And until Jackson filled me in so did I."

"I'm sorry, I'm- I should've told her, I hate myself for hurting her like that. Both of you." Never in her time as commander had Lexa ever broke down like this in front of anyone,

"She just needs time Lexa."

"What if she never wants to see me again?"

"She loves you so much, she would never leave you."

"How do you know?" Lexa gasped chocking on her tears as she tried to catch her breathe.

"Because I know my daughter, you two complete each other. Give her time to sort out her thoughts and then talk to her. Sort out your thoughts as well, I know how hard it is to make those tough choices and so does she but you two need to start communicating better." Abby kissed the girl's forehead, wiping the puddle of tears off of Lexa face,

"Thank you, Abby."

"Don't thank me sweetheart." Abby smiled, "You're my daughter too, I need both of you safe."

A week had passed, and Clarke had barley left her room except for Madi's reading lessons. It was the only thing that seemed to give her any sort of comfort right now. She also had her daily visits from Abby and Raven who keep her up to date on what's going on.

Ontari's guards had given up her alleged location so Lexa sent guards there to retrieve her so all this could be over. It wasn't confirmed if she was there, but it was a lead, so they followed it. She had also heard from her mother that Lincoln had woken up which was good news, but he wasn't out of the woods yet. Octavia had tried to see her, but she wasn't in the mood to talk to the girl right now.

Her mom would also give her news about Lexa which she appreciated, it doesn't matter how mad she was she needed Lexa alive and safe. Sitting in her room for days left plenty of time to think, she was still mad about everything but if she gets to see Ontari die then maybe... maybe it would've been worth it.

It was already past sundown and Clarke had just finished her lesson with Madi when she heard a knock on her door.

"Enter."

Stood before her was the girls she's been avoiding in all of her grounder commander glory.

"I hope it's ok I came to see you; I've moved back into our old room." Lexa said fidgeting with her hands, "I have some news I wanted to share. We just heard back from the scouts on the radio, they found Ontari in nearby village. According to them she was in the middle of planning her attack on Polis."

"When will she die?" Clarke asks staring into the floor,

"Tomorrow."

"Then I need one thing from you."

"Anything Clarke." Lexa jumped at the opportunity to be needed,

"When the time comes, I get to make the last cut."

"Ok." Lexa nods, many people would want the honor and she wasn't sure if Clarke could emotionally handle killing someone right now, as she looked at the girl, she noticed her belly had grown the slightest bit. It had grown and she wasn't here to see it. "Clarke, I heard what you said, and you were right, it was easier not telling you the plan at first but as we kept planning I knew I needed you to know. I'm so sorry for everything, I hate that you saw what you did, and I promise I will never do anything like that again."

"Lexa, I don't care about the stupid plan, if you would've come to me and explained everything I would've understood. But I was completely left in the dark just like when you made the decision to go to Azgeda but this time I thought I saw you die." Her eyes were welling up, but she didn't want to cry anymore, "I thought I lost you forever and I can't un-feel that."

"I know and I'm sorry, I was being a coward. I was scared to talk to you about it, but I promise from now on we will do this together."

"Lexa you don't get it, I know the next time you have a plan I won't agree with you'll hide it from me until it's happening. You've done it twice since we've been married. I know I said I would step back but I expected you to still talk to me."

Lexa's face was soaked, and the lack of eye contact the blonde was giving her made it all worst, Clarke wouldn't even look at her.

"Are you leaving me?" Lexa asked voice filled with vulnerability and angst,

"Why would you ask me that?" Clarke looked up at the girl,

"Because you won't even look at me Clarke and you wouldn't come and see me. I know I messed up and I hate myself for the way I hurt you. But I can't lose you… I won't." The brunette collapsed on the floor a crying mess as Clarke moved towards her.

"I'm never leaving you, ever, but I just need time to get over this. As much as I want to I can't unsee what I saw. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can Lexa." Clarke bent down so she was sitting next to the girl on the ground. "I see you in front of me, but my mind is still telling me I saw you die, and I don't know what to do."

Lexa grabbed the girl's hands moving it to her own face allowing the blonde to touch her.

"I'm right here Clarke and I'm never leaving you."

"Promise?" Clarke sobbed,

"I promise."