Sunday, 30th April 1972
After leaving the tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow in the early hours of Saturday morning, Sirius caught a few hours' sleep in the empty dorm before returning to the cave just before lunch. Much to Sirius' relief, James and Peter both accepted his explanation that Remus had gone to the library after they were both released without question. Remus had joined them in the cave on Sunday, looking much better, and Sirius found it difficult to meet his eyes after the sappy letter he'd written him during the full moon.
But Remus didn't let him hide.
'Can I borrow Sirius for a bit?' he asked Peter.
Peter looked up from reading over his notes on the potion. 'Sure, he's free for about an hour.'
'Thanks.' Remus grabbed Sirius by the hand and dragged him off into the tent.
'Hey,' Remus said, turning to face him when they were alone. 'Thank you for the letter. It made me smile a lot.'
Sirius rubbed the back of his head. 'Yeah. I'm not sure it was particularly coherent.'
'Are you embarrassed?' Remus said, chuckling. 'You never get embarrassed.'
'Maybe, just a smidge,' Sirius said, holding up his hand with his thumb and forefinger barely touching.
'You don't need to be. I didn't think it was sappy.' Remus lowered his voice and put his mouth to Sirius' ear. 'It was nice to hear about the wolf. It helps me feel less like a monster, knowing more about him.'
Sirius tried to hide the shiver, but he wasn't sure if he was successful. 'You're not a monster, Remus.' he whispered back.
'Oh, I don't mind, by the way,' Remus said as if Sirius was supposed to know what he was talking about.
'Don't mind what?'
Remus rolled his eyes and put his mouth to Sirius' ear again. 'The nickname. Wolf Boy. Well, any of them. I like that you treat it like it's normal. Just be careful not to say it when we have company.'
When he pulled back, Sirius nodded. 'Did you want to get some practice in before I have to go back and help?'
'Yeah, I should. Don't want to leave it too long.'
Sirius hopped onto the bed and lay back with his legs crossed at the ankles and held his arm out for Remus to join him. After grabbing a book, Remus curled up next to him with his head on Sirius' chest and Sirius arm lying loosely around his waist. They had only done this once before, the day before the full-moon, but Sirius liked it. There had been so little cuddling in his life before Hogwarts, he found he couldn't get enough of it.
'Okay?' he checked.
'Yeah. It's getting easier all the time.'
Sirius took the book from Remus and opened it, holding it with his free hand so they could both see the pages and they read together quietly for an hour while Remus drew patterns on the back of Sirius' hand with his finger.
A little after seven-thirty that evening, they reached step thirty-six in the brewing process and were able to put the potion under stasis and return to their dorm. Everything was going smoothly with the brewing, Gryffindor were on track to win the quidditch cup, and Remus was making great headway with his "personal project." The Marauders were in high spirits, and they wanted to celebrate, but they were all too exhausted.
'This sucks,' James said. He was lying on his bed, face-up, with his arms spread out to the sides. 'I'm too tired to even move.'
Remus chuckled from his position next to Sirius, where he was holding Sirius' hand and rubbing the back of it with his thumb. They'd spent most of their time touching in some way since Remus returned from the Hospital Wing. Not that Sirius was complaining.
'I think Pete's already asleep.'
Sirius looked over to Peter's bed, and sure enough, he was curled up, fully clothed still, but snoring softly.
'Poor guy. He's been working harder than any of us since we started brewing.'
'We should do something nice for him on Wednesday,' Remus said. 'You remember, he said the 3rd of May was a hard day for him.'
Sirius squeezed Remus' hand and was delighted when he didn't flinch, just squeezed back.
'We should. Let's take him into Hogsmeade and do whatever he wants,' Sirius said.
Remus smiled up at him. 'That's perfect. He'll love it, and it should take his mind off whatever his anniversary is.'
'James?'
James' only answer was a loud snort. He was asleep.
'We'll talk to him about it in the morning,' Sirius said, laughing.
Remus said goodnight and returned to his own bed for the night. It wasn't long before Sirius heard his quiet, even breathing join James' and Peter's snores. But Sirius lay awake for a while. Helping Remus was working well to take his mind off the fast-approaching summer holidays, and he enjoyed all the touching; it was comforting. But when he was alone, he couldn't stop himself thinking about it.
Would he burn for the entire summer? Or would his mother mix it up with some other, equally horrifying, punishments for his disobedience? He didn't know what to expect, and every time he considered the possibilities, his blood turned to ice. There was nothing he could do about it, though. His decision was made, and he wasn't going to change his mind. If Remus could face his excruciating transformation every month with a smile on his face, then Sirius could face the next six summers with his back straight and his head held high.
The next day, he was standing next to Remus in Transfiguration attempting to turn a bowl of water into smoke, but only managing to make it look a little murkier. Professor McGonagall was walking the aisles, stopping at the desks of struggling students to offer further instruction. She paused next to James and Peter, praising James's red smoke, which was drifting its way up towards the ceiling and asking him to help Peter. James was uncannily good at transfiguration, considering how bad he was at focusing on anything not related to the Marauders for more than five minutes.
McGonagall continued on and stopped next to Sirius, waving her wand at his glass of water and returning it to its original state. 'Show me what you're doing, Mister Black.'
Sirius did so, turning his water a disgusting grey colour.
She nodded and looked over her glasses at him. 'You're forgetting to alter its state as well as its material composition. Try again.'
As soon as she said it Sirius understood where he was going wrong and felt like an idiot. In his defence, he did have a lot on his mind. He performed the spell again, and this time the water transformed into swirling grey smoke.
'Much better.' She slid a folded piece of parchment onto his desk, nodded at him and moved on to the next pair of students.
Sirius picked up the note—which had his name across the front in emerald green ink—with some confusion. Why was Professor McGonagall passing him secret letters in class?
Mister Black,
Please accept this invitation to come to my office for a chat at six o'clock this evening.
The password is French Fancies.
Professor Dumbledore
He showed the note to Remus, wondering what on earth Dumbledore could want with him, but Remus didn't look surprised.
'It's about me,' he said, whispering into his ear and sending that peculiar shiver down Sirius' spine. 'He just wants to make sure you're trustworthy.'
Sirius nodded, feeling relieved. It shouldn't be hard to convince the Headmaster he could be trusted to keep a secret he'd already been keeping for seven months. Now he just had to figure out what he would tell James and Peter.
After dinner, when they reached the seventh-floor, Sirius announced he had a meeting with the Headmaster and would see them in the dorm later.
'What's it about?' James asked.
'No idea,' Sirius lied. 'The note didn't say. It's probably about my terrible behaviour.'
James looked offended. 'What about my terrible behaviour?'
'I don't know what to tell you, James. You're obviously not as bad as you think you are.'
'Have you been getting into trouble,' he gasped dramatically, 'without me?'
'This is going to come as a shock. But Remus and I have been making mischief behind your back.'
'Hey, don't drag me into this,' Remus said, laughing.
'Oh, the betrayal,' James cried, putting the back of his hand against his forehead and pretending to faint. 'My best friend, and my best friend.'
Sirius chuckled at James' antics, but he was acutely aware of the time, and he didn't want to keep Dumbledore waiting. 'I really have to go.'
James stood up straight. 'Good luck. Hope it's nothing bad.'
After leaving his friends, Sirius hurried down the corridors to the statue of a gargoyle that guarded the Headmaster's office and gave it the password, before stepping on to the moving staircase. He knocked on the door at the top, entering when Dumbledore called, 'Come in, Mister Black.'
'You wanted to see me, Headmaster?'
'Yes, please have a seat. Would you like a lemon drop?' Professor Dumbledore nodded to the small dish of bright yellow sweets on his desk.
Sirius sat down in the chair opposite the Headmaster's desk and shook his head. 'No, thank you, sir. I've just had dinner.'
Dumbledore leant back in his seat and regarded Sirius over his half-moon spectacles. 'I've asked you here to discuss your friend, Mister Lupin.'
'Remus said he thought that's what it would be about.'
'I understand you have learned his secret?'
'That he has lycanthropy, yes.'
Dumbledore put his elbows on the desk and clasped his hands together, leaning forward. 'Can I ask how you feel about that?'
'How I feel, sir?'
'Yes. How do you feel about Mister Lupin since learning he's not exactly human?'
Sirius frowned, feeling his blood heating at the insinuation that Remus was somehow lesser.
'I feel exactly the same as I did before I knew he has lycanthropy. He's an amazing person, and I'm lucky to have him as a friend. What else would any decent wizard feel?'
Dumbledore smiled. 'I'm delighted to hear that. And your anger at my rather rude question is proof of your sincerity.'
'That was a test?'
'Yes, it was. And you passed with flying colours,' Dumbledore said. 'I, of course, don't consider Mister Lupin any less human than you or I, so you can stop plotting ways to attack me and avenge his honour.'
Sirius laughed. 'You're quite devious, aren't you?'
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. 'You and your friends are not the only wizards to be learned in the art of subterfuge, Mister Black. And on the subject of your friends, how likely is it, do you think, that Misters Potter and Pettigrew will come to the same realisation as yourself?'
Sirius shrugged. 'I honestly don't know if James ever will. He's exceptionally unobservant. But Peter might figure it out at some point.'
'You do not intend to tell them?'
'No, sir. It's not my secret to tell. And Remus is… resistant to the idea.'
Dumbledore nodded. 'And how do you suppose they might react if they knew?'
Sirius grinned at that question. There was no doubt in his mind how they would react. 'The same as me, sir. They'll be upset for Remus and want to help him.'
'Help him how?'
'You know? Buying chocolate for him to help with the pain, covering for him when he disappears, distracting people so they don't notice he's sick, being quiet around the full moon because his hearing's really sensitive. That sort of thing.'
Dumbledore nodded, smiling. 'You've certainly done your research, Mister Black. Perhaps, you are not the only one who's "lucky" that Mister Lupin is your friend.'
Sirius shifted uncomfortably at the implied compliment. 'Maybe.'
Dumbledore hummed at his non-committal response. 'Mister Black, can I ask why you waited so long to tell Mister Lupin?'
Sirius shifted in his seat again. 'We didn't know each other very well when I first realised. I didn't want him to have to worry about someone he didn't trust knowing his secret. So I tried to earn his trust, hoping he'd tell me himself. I don't think he ever would have, though.'
'And what made you come clean?'
Sirius hesitated, but decided it wouldn't do any harm to tell Dumbledore the truth. And he couldn't think of a decent lie, anyway.
'I didn't know it until a couple of weeks ago, but Remus believed he could infect people by touching them. He found out the truth when we studied werewolves in Defence, and when I realised why he looked so upset, I knew I had to tell him, so he would have someone to talk to.'
'All of that, and you don't consider yourself a good friend.' Dumbledore said, shaking his head. 'Do we know who told Mister Lupin this monstrous lie?'
'It was his father.'
'I see,' Dumbledore looked pensive. 'Thank you, Mister Black. I'm satisfied that you can be trusted. I hope you never prove me wrong. You may return to whatever mischief I pulled you from.'
'Thank you, sir.'
Sirius left the office and returned to Gryffindor Tower with a slight sense of unease. He wasn't sure he should have told the Headmaster about Remus' Dad, but he put it to the back of his mind as he approached the dorm room. James would want to know what the meeting had been about, and he needed to be convincing.
He flung the dormitory door open and strode inside. 'You'll never guess what that was about,' he said, flopping onto Remus' bed and offering him his hand. Remus took it, sliding his fingers in between Sirius', before resting his head on Sirius' shoulder. 'That crazy bint that claims to be my mother has been writing to Dumbledore all year trying to get me re-sorted.'
'No!' James said, laughing. 'That's mental!'
'Can that even happen?' Peter asked. 'Is Dumbledore going to make you be resorted?'
Sirius scoffed. 'No. It's impossible. But he wanted to know if it was something I was asking for. He was worried I wasn't getting along with my house-mates.'
'Well, we are pretty awful to you,' Remus said, squeezing his hand.
'I know—all the acceptance and support. I don't know how I bear it sometimes. And don't even get me started on the hugging, it's truly horrific what you people put me through.'
'Don't forget making you dunk your head in freezing cold water,' James said. 'Twice.'
'Forcing you to enter a pen of bloodthirsty invisible horses,' Peter said.
'Imprisoning you in a freezing cold cave for hours at a time,' Remus said.
Sirius frowned. 'Come to think of it, you are pretty terrible to me. I may need to rethink this friendship.'
Two days later, Remus woke James and Sirius early, and the three boys surprised Peter with a breakfast of all his favourite foods in their dorm room. Remus didn't know what significance the day had for Peter, but he suspected it was something to do with his dad and could sympathise with both the pain of bad memories and the daddy issues.
Peter seemed pleased with the spread and, though he wasn't his usual cheerful self, he thanked them for the effort. When they told him their plans for the afternoon, though, he smiled for the first time that day. They got him through History of Magic by playing burn the witch, and Charms was a practical lesson, shooting moving magical targets with the knockback jinx. It was a lot of fun, and Remus wished that had been their lesson when he was having a bad day.
After classes were over for the day, they grabbed some food to-go from the Hall, before heading directly to Gunhilda's statue on the third floor. They wanted as much time as possible in the village.
Remus held Sirius' hand as they traversed the passageway to Honeydukes. It had become a habit by this point whenever they were alone, or with their fellow Marauders, for Remus to touch Sirius' hand or arm. He was exceedingly grateful to Sirius for putting up with it, and to James and Peter for not teasing them. In fact, they never so much as batted an eye.
As if to prove his thoughts wrong, James glanced at their joined hands. 'You seem to be doing okay with touching Sirius now. Are you ready for me and Pete to help?'
Remus shook his head. 'Not yet, I think I need to get used to surprise touches first. So far, I've been in control of it.'
'You want me to start touching you without any warning?' Sirius asked.
Remus nodded. 'Is that okay? I'll probably panic at first. I don't want you to feel bad.'
'I won't feel bad if you've asked me to do it,' Sirius said, squeezing his hand. 'You want me to start today?'
'Please.'
'Alright.'
Of course, Sirius couldn't actually start while they were already touching, so he didn't have an opportunity to surprise Remus until they were in the village. The first time, he just placed his hand on Remus' back briefly as they walked towards the pub. Remus' had jumped, and his heart beat wildly in his chest for a few minutes after, but it hadn't been too bad. The second time was after they reached the pub. Remus, James and Peter found a corner booth to sit in while Sirius bought the drinks. After placing the tray of foaming glasses on the table, Sirius slid onto the seat next to Remus and allowed his whole body to bump up against him. It only lasted a second before Sirius moved away again, but Remus had to close his eyes and breathe through the panic for a few minutes.
Once he was calm again, he pressed his leg up against Sirius' under the table and shot him a smile of thanks. No matter what Sirius said, it must be hard for him to intentionally make Remus uncomfortable. Sirius gave him a wink and then turned to Peter.
'So, what do you want to do today?'
'Can we just explore the village a bit?' Peter asked, fidgeting with the handle of his glass. 'Every time we come, we're always in a rush.'
'Sounds like a plan,' James said. He picked up his glass. 'Let's finish these and get started.'
Fifteen minutes later, they were back outside in the blazing sunshine, keeping to the shade of the buildings as much as possible as they wandered up the main street looking in the shop windows.
Sirius wanted to visit Scrivenshaft's for some replacement nibs for his art quills. The ones that came with the set James gave him for his birthday had worn out with all the drawing he'd been doing decorating the cave. They now had a painting of the Great Lake depicting their visit with Amaria, although she wasn't animated, unfortunately. And a mural of their negotiations with the centaurs.
After Scrivenshaft's, Peter said he wanted to check out the apothecary because he'd been too nervous to look around the last time they'd been. By the time they emerged he'd collected four books, a new set of brewing utensils, several interesting ingredients and an assortment of crystal vials after James bought everything he showed an interest in. And Peter was grinning from ear to ear.
They spent a long and tedious half an hour in Spintwitches while James, Sirius and Peter drooled over the sporting equipment. And a far too short thirty minutes in Tomes and Scrolls where Sirius bought Remus a gorgeous book detailing the intricacies of charm alteration after he tried to surreptitiously take down some notes from it without the shop assistant spotting him.
'We'll have to be getting back soon,' James said as they left the bookshop. 'But there's one more place I want to go, first.'
'Zonkos?' Sirius guessed.
James shook his head. 'Better.'
'Better than a joke shop?' Remus asked. What on earth would James consider to be better than a joke shop?
James was bouncing on his toes so fast he was practically vibrating. 'I heard some older kids talking about it, it's a haunted house on the outskirts of the village.'
'We live in a haunted castle,' Sirius said. 'We eat breakfast with ghosts every day.'
'These ghosts are different. They scream and howl during the night and smash stuff around. People are calling it the "Shrieking Shack" and apparently it only started last summer. I thought we could investigate!'
Remus stiffened, realising what James was talking about. This was not good. The last thing he needed was James and Peter digging around his cage.
'It sounds kind of dangerous,' Peter said.
James deflated a little, clearly not wanting to push Peter on this particular day. 'Alright, but can we at least go take a look?'
Peter hesitated, but gave in when James gave him a pleading puppy-dog look. 'Fine. We can take a look, but I don't want to get too close.'
James whooped and punched his fist in the air. 'To the Shrieking Shack!'
Remus wasn't happy about this at all. Either Sirius sensed his unease or he'd also realised which house the locals had named, because as James marched off into the distance calling for them to follow him, Sirius sidled up to Remus and whispered, 'It's going to be fine.'
Peter had already started after James, so Remus felt safe enough to whisper back. 'Don't touch me while we're there. I'm too anxious.'
Sirius nodded, and they followed after James and Peter, walking fast to catch up. They reached the outskirts of the village five minutes later.
'There it is,' James said, sounding breathless with excitement.
The house was nothing special to look at. Situated some distance from the rest of the village, it reminded Remus of a child left out of a group game; watching sadly from the sidelines and wishing they could join in. It was a two-storey building, taller than it was wide, and all the doors and windows were boarded up, giving it an intimidating air.
'Doesn't sound haunted to me,' Sirius said.
'The spirits are only active at night.' James spun around to look at them. 'We should come back after dark.'
Peter groaned. 'Don't we have enough to do?'
'Pete's right,' Remus said, quick to jump on the excuse. 'All our free time is taken up with the potion as it is, we need all the sleep we can get. And we have exams next month to revise for.'
James rolled his eyes. 'Fine. Next year then.'
Great. All he'd managed to do was delay it. But at least he didn't have to worry about James snooping around until after the summer, and maybe he could find a way to put him off again later.
Sunday, 28th May
The month since the last full moon had passed in a blur of potion brewing, exam revision and cuddling with Remus. He seemed completely comfortable with any contact he was in control of now, and he was getting better with surprise contact too. He was fine with the brief gentle touches Sirius had started with, and he'd since progressed on to surprising him with prolonged contact like an arm around his shoulders or grabbing his hand and refusing to let go. It was hard when he could see Remus struggling through his panic. His instinct was to back off, but because he knew it was what Remus wanted, he fought the urge and forced himself into Remus' personal space as much as possible.
Classes had become boring as hell in the run-up to the exams. All the teachers were just rehashing material they'd already covered, and Sirius already knew it all. Everyone except Professor McGonagall, who had earned herself queen status in Sirius' mind. She had been testing their knowledge by setting them increasingly difficult challenges in each class for the last week. The first had been to "make their chairs more comfortable," and they'd spent an enjoyable hour transfiguring their chairs into anything and everything from beanbags to squishy armchairs. Remus had turned his into a small bed and tried to take a nap.
The second challenge was to turn a block of wood into an artistic sculpture. Considering the Marauders had turned bowls of water into beautiful ice sculptures months ago for the Christmas disco, they had no problem with this task. James had created a realistic Gryffindor lion and Remus, a perfect imitation of Cosmo, curled up asleep. Even Peter had managed a fair representation of a dancing mooncalf. He might have done a better job if he hadn't picked a subject that kept making him break out into giggles. Sirius had successfully transfigured his wood into a model of the Marauders, arms around each other's shoulders and laughter on their faces. He was delighted at the end of the lesson when McGonagall said they could keep what they'd made, and his model now had pride of place above the fireplace in their dorm room.
With only three weeks to go until the end of term, the Spectral Essence was nearing completion. They hoped to get to step forty-eight by that evening, completing the next two steps the following weekend. The potion then had to be left to stand for fifty-six hours before the final ingredient was added—the thestral hair—so they wouldn't be able to finish it until the following Wednesday. But they would still be done a full nine days before the deadline. Something they were all proud of.
With the full moon that night, Sirius had spent much of the day cuddling with Remus under the pretext of contact immersion, when he wasn't needed to stir, chop, grind or otherwise help with the brewing. But mid-afternoon Remus had told them he was feeling unwell and left for the Hospital Wing. Sirius was a ball of anxiety for the rest of the afternoon, but he hid it well, and they were finished just before nine. Moon-rise was late in the summer months, and Sirius was grateful for that. It meant he should be able to get there before Remus transformed.
He was in luck, because James and Peter fell asleep almost as soon as they reached the dorm, exhausted from staying up half the night with the potion. As soon as he was sure they wouldn't be waking up again, he drew the curtains around his own bed, grabbed the invisibility cloak and snuck down to the Whomping Willow, letting himself into the Shrieking Shack to wait for Remus.
'Evening, Wolf Boy,' Sirius said when Remus' head came through the trapdoor twenty minutes later.
Remus offered him a weak smile. 'Hey.'
Remus' face was pale, and his forehead creased with pain. Sirius hurried over to help him up the ladder.
'Is it bad?'
'Not as bad as it could be,' Remus said, forcing another smile onto his face.
Sirius wasn't fooled. 'Why are you lying to me? It's obvious you're worse than last month. Look at you, you can barely stand.'
It was true, Remus was wobbling on his feet and gripping onto the wall to stay upright.
Remus looked at the ground, avoiding Sirius' eyes. 'I just don't want you to worry. I think it's all the revision we've been doing. It's drained me more than usual.'
'Come here,' Sirius said, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his legs crossed. 'We've got half an hour before moonrise.'
Remus stumbled over, and Sirius tugged him down onto his lap, wrapped his arms around him and guided his head to rest on his shoulder. Remus moaned and buried his face in Sirius' neck again, just like last month.
'Okay?' Sirius asked.
Remus hummed.
Sirius lifted his arm and combed his fingers through Remus' curls. 'Don't try to hide your pain from me. Please. I know when you're hurting, I don't like it when you lie to me.'
'Okay,' Remus mumbled into his neck, making Sirius shiver. 'Sorry.'
'Don't be sorry. Just don't do it again.'
They were quiet for a few minutes, and then, 'Sirius?'
'Hm?'
'You smell really good,' Remus murmured, sounding like he was drunk.
Sirius' stomach flipped over. 'Do I?'
'Mmm. Makes the pain better.'
'I'm glad.' And he was. There was nothing Sirius wanted more than to take away Remus' suffering, and to discover his natural scent helped him in that way was thrilling. He chuckled. 'I think you're going to regret telling me that tomorrow, though.'
'Prob'ly,' Remus mumbled. 'Time is it?'
Sirius checked his watch. 'Ten more minutes.'
Remus sighed and burrowed his head further. 'Don't want you to go.'
'Me neither, but I'll have to,' Sirius said, wishing it wasn't true.'You know, I bought you Cosmo to keep you company during the full moons. Why don't you bring her?'
'Wouldn't be fair. She might be scared,' Remus said.
'I knew it'd be something noble and selfless,' Sirius said, shaking his head at his friend. Remus just shrugged.
A few minutes later, Remus lifted his head and sighed. 'You have to go, I can feel it coming.' He hauled himself to his feet, and Sirius stood up. His legs had pins and needles from Remus' weight, and he couldn't feel his feet properly as he staggered towards the trapdoor.
'Good luck, Wolf Boy.'
Remus smiled, 'See you in the morning.'
Sirius took one last look at his friend and jumped down into the tunnel below, not bothering with the ladder. He strolled up the passage a little way to give Remus his privacy and waited to hear the sound of the trapdoor closing before he turned back around and settled in for a long night.
He'd actually come prepared this month, bringing along a notebook to write in—easier to keep still with one hand than a sheet of parchment—and a book to read to Moony instead of having to think of things to say. He was feeling quite smug about it. Until the screaming started.
Sirius would never get used to the sounds Remus made when he was transforming. They were brutal. Sickening. They made him want to hunt down the monster that did this to him and slaughter them. Instead, he opened his notebook and grabbed Remus' muggle pen from his bag.
Hey Wolf Boy,
It's ten to eleven for me, but morning for you, and I'm so glad your suffering is over for another month.
You told me something tonight. I don't know if you remember, and I'm sure you probably regret it if you do, but I'm glad you told me. I want so badly to take away your pain, and knowing I can do that, to some extent, simply by holding you in the run-up to the moon is a blessing I don't deserve. Please don't be embarrassed about it. You have my permission to revel in my delectable scent as much as you like (Imagine me winking at you here.)
Merlin, why does it take so long? I wish I could speed up time for you, Remus. I hate that you suffer so much. I would blow up the moon for you if I could.
You can keep this notebook, by the way, but can you put it in your bag when you pack for full moons next year? Writing to you helps distract me from the noise. And if I'm writing in the same notebook each time, I can't be tempted to scrap what I've written and start again, because the torn-out page would give me away.
Oh, thank Merlin, the screa—
Fuck, Remus. I'm so afraid for you. I shouldn't have gone into the house. This is all my fault. But I know you'll want to know what happened when you wake up, so I'm going to write it down. Gods, I hope you wake up...
Okay. I'm back, and I've pulled myself together. It's three-thirty in the morning, and Moony is quiet, which I hope is because he's fallen asleep, and not because he's bleeding to death. Gods Remus, I am so sorry.
When you finally stopped screaming, it was quiet for a moment, and then Moony made the most horrendous growl. It sent a chill down my spine. He started scratching at something; I assume it was the wall where I was sitting with you, and he was growling the whole time. I was calling to him, but he ignored me, entirely focused on the smell of human, I guess. Then, gods, it was horrible, Remus. Moony let out this howl of absolute despair. It broke my heart, but not as much as what happened next. There was a thump and a sound of pain. And more growling and more pained sounds. It took a while, because I'm an idiot, but I eventually realised that I was hearing Moony tear himself apart because he could smell me, and he couldn't get to me. And he was furious.
I kept calling out to him, shouting his name, trying to get his attention. I tried so hard to make him stop, Remus, I swear, but he ignored me for over an hour. It was past midnight before he finally acknowledged me and stopped hurting himself.
Remus, I hope you can forgive me for what's happened tonight. It was stupid of me to come into the house. As usual, I acted without thinking, and this time you got hurt because of it.
All I can do is say how very, very sorry I am.
Sirius.
Sirius wiped the tears from his eyes and put the pen back in Remus' bag. The page of the notebook was splashed with his tears, but he didn't care if Remus knew he'd been crying. He wanted Remus to know, needed him to know, how sorry he was.
Sirius reread the start of the letter and cringed. The joke about his "delectable scent" was in poor taste after what had happened, but he wouldn't censor it. He'd already taken enough from Remus.
There was still an hour and a half until Madam Pomfrey would arrive. Sirius was emotionally and physically drained, but, even though he desperately needed to get some sleep before Monday's classes, he wasn't going anywhere. He pulled Remus' Crest out and wrapped it around the notebook to make sure he'd find it and slid it into his bag. And then he covered himself with the invisibility cloak and sat down to wait.
Madam Pomfrey arrived promptly at five o'clock, just ten minutes after moon-set, causing Sirius to feel a rush of affection for the woman. She hadn't left her patient waiting so she could get a little extra sleep, even though the last three full-moons had been injury-free. He stood up carefully so she wouldn't hear him as he watched her wave her wand at the trapdoor and open it.
Time seemed to slow down as he waited for a sign. Something to tell him whether Remus lived or… He couldn't even think the word. He was holding his breath. And then Remus was lowered through the trapdoor on a stretcher. His face was pale, and he was covered in a sheet that was stained with blood. Sirius could only see his arms, and they were torn to shreds. He dreaded to think what the rest of him looked like. But he was breathing. Blessedly, breathing. Sirius' knees went weak with relief, and he almost stumbled and gave himself away, but by some miracle managed to stay put. He followed Madam Pomfrey back to the Hospital Wing to make sure Remus survived the trip but didn't go inside. If he was lucky, he might be able to get two hours' sleep before James and Peter woke up.
Remus returned from the Hospital Wing late Monday evening, well after classes had ended for the day. He said hello to James and Peter, before walking over to Sirius, sitting down on the bed next to him and taking his hand. Sirius met his eyes and Remus smiled at him.
'You feeling better?' Sirius asked, knowing Remus would understand the hidden question beneath the words.
'Completely better,' Remus said. 'As if nothing was ever wrong.'
'Good.'
Remus opened his bag, glanced at James and Peter who weren't paying them any attention whatsoever, and pulled out the notebook Sirius had left there.
'I am quite tired though,' Remus said, handing the notebook to Sirius. 'Not much chance to sleep in the Hospital Wing with people coming in wailing in pain all day. So I'm going to get an early night.'
And with that, he squeezed Sirius' hand and retreated to his bed. Sirius called goodnight to James and Peter and drew the curtains around his own bed before he opened the notebook and turned to the second page.
Hi Sirius (I really need to think of a nickname for you, it's really not fair that you have so many for me and I have none.)
It's two in the afternoon, and I'm finally feeling well enough to sit up. The first thing I did was reach for my bag to see if you'd written me another letter. You had, but as you know, it was not a happy letter.
First, Sirius, I forgive you. Even though there's nothing to forgive, I know you won't believe that so, I forgive you.
Second, I'm sorry too. What happened last night is entirely my fault. I knew what would happen if you went inside the house, and I knew there was a chance you might arrive before me. I should have warned you not to, and I didn't. Please don't blame yourself. It must have been horrible for you having to listen to that and not be able to do anything, and I understand if you don't want to come again next year.
Third, I don't remember what I said to you last night, but you seem to be aware that your scent acts as pain relief for me. I have no idea why it does, and I'm mortified that I told you. But your acceptance of my weirdness is welcome, and I'm beyond grateful for your invitation to "revel" at my will. As mortifying as it is, I find myself too weak to say no to pain relief, no matter what form it takes.
Sirius, if you find a way to speed up time I would be grateful, but please don't blow up the moon, it wouldn't help, and I believe it would result in the death of all life on the planet. So, you know, not a great idea.
I like the idea of the notebook. It's nice to wake up to your letters when I'm in pain. But I have a slight improvement to your plan. After I wake up the next morning and read your words, I'll write back to you. Then the next full moon you'll have a letter from me to distract you from the noise. That's if you still want to be there, of course. As I said, I understand if you don't.
Yours in anticipation,
Wolf Boy.
Sirius chuckled at the signature and immediately grabbed a quill to reply.
Wolf Boy,
Thank you.
I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I accept it gratefully.
I love the idea of you writing me a letter to read while I'm waiting for Moony. Please keep the notebook for the summer and write in it so I have something for the September moon, which I will, of course, be attending. Silly Wolf Boy.
I will always accept your weirdness, Remus, if you promise to always accept mine.
And I promise not to blow up the moon.
As for a nickname, perhaps something to do with the stars?
Gratefully yours,
Sirius.
Sirius slipped the notebook into Remus' bag on Monday morning with a lightness in his heart. He'd been so worried Remus would hate him for causing him such horrifying injuries, but he should've known better. For the next five days, Sirius threw himself back into helping Remus, surprising him with hugs at every opportunity, and by Friday he was no longer reacting negatively when Sirius touched him.
To celebrate, they decided to take Saturday morning off from brewing and join the rest of the school in the beach room to watch the Sand-Wars final. The winning team from each house would be battling it out in one last match. It was bound to be exciting. The delay would mean they had to stay in the cave later into Sunday evening, but they were all willing to make that sacrifice.
So at quarter to nine on Saturday morning, they ambled down the seventh-floor landing and into the secret room. The crowd was enormous, and Remus looked a little worried, sidling up close to Sirius and brushing his hand with his.
'You're okay,' Sirius whispered to him. 'Nothing bad's going to happen if someone touches you.'
'I know, but can we stay at the back?'
James overheard Remus' question and answered before Sirius could. 'Course. We want to be able to leave first, anyway.'
So they found a space at the back of the crowd, closest to the exit, and waited for the match to begin. Ten minutes later, the lights went out and loud, thumping music filled the room. A single spotlight appeared in the middle of the battlefield, lighting up the Chiefs of Raucous Revelry, waving and blowing kisses. The crowd applauded and cheered and the music gradually reduced in volume until all that could be heard was a low rhythmic drum beat.
'Welcome to the final of the first-ever Hogwarts Sand-Wars tournament. The teams battling it out in this penultimate match have made it here through their bravery, wit, cunning and loyalty and today's battle promises to be spectacular,' Chief number one said.
'In the red corner fighting for Gryffindor, we have Brute Force!' Chief number two said, waving his hand towards one of the castles. A light appeared around the castle, and the mixed team of three boys and a girl waved from the battlements and windows.
'In the blue corner fighting for Ravenclaw, we have The Sand-sational Sisters,' Chief number one said. Again the castle in question was lit up, and the team inside waved—all girls.
Chief number two took over commentating again. 'In the green corner, fighting for Slytherin, we have The Winners! A little cocky there, guys.' The lights came on over the Slytherin castle and the inhabitants were smirking.
'It's proven to be an accurate name so far,' one of them shouted.
'And in the yellow corner, fighting for Hufflepuff we have Surprisingly Savage.'
When the clapping died down, Chief number one continued the introduction. 'This match is Last Team Standing. When all four of your castle's flags are white, you're out. Owing to an incident during Gryffindor's heats, we must specify that only spells are to be used, no potions are allowed.'
The Marauders all sniggered at the addition to the rules, and James and Sirius gave each other a high five.
The Chiefs retreated to the edge of the battlefield before asking the teams to prepare for battle.
'Three, two, one. Fight!'
The fighting was fast and brutal. Spells flew back and forth at breathtaking speeds, but the defenders were just as good as the attackers, and the various hexes and curses rarely hit their targets. To the Marauders dismay, Gryffindor's castle began to crumble first after a rather nasty exploding hex got through the defence, hitting the castle right in the centre and blowing the entire front wall to smithereens. They held the castle together for a while longer, but the other teams, scenting weakened prey, ganged up against them and they fell under the onslaught of spells.
'Damn,' Peter said, as they watched the Gryffindors trudge from the battlefield. 'Maybe we shouldn't have conceded.'
'We wouldn't have survived as long as they did. We can't even shield against most of the spells being used,' Remus said.
James turned away from the ongoing battle. 'Do we even care who wins now? Let's just go.'
So they left, descending the stairs to the fourth floor and entering the passage behind the mirror. Once they were safely out of view inside the tunnel, Sirius grabbed Remus' hand. Remus gave him a crooked smile and hugged his arm.
'Guys,'
James and Peter turned their heads to show they were listening.
'I think I'm ready for you to help.'
James grinned. 'That's brilliant. What do you want us to do?'
Remus bit his lip. 'I'm not sure.'
James stopped walking and held out his hand to Remus. 'Try it.' He nodded to his hand.
Remus let go of Sirius and swallowed. There was a pause while he stared at James' outstretched hand, and then he nodded firmly and reached out and touched it with his finger. He tilted his head to the side and then placed his whole palm against James'.
'It's fine,' he said. 'No panic at all.'
James grinned and opened his arms. 'Can I have a hug, then?'
Remus chuckled. 'Alright, but don't hug me back right away.'
James nodded that he understood and then beckoned with his fingers. 'Bring it in.'
Sirius watched Remus wrap his arms around James and got an odd feeling in his stomach, a weird kind of squirming, and he didn't like it. At the same time, his chest swelled with warmth, because he had helped Remus reach this point.
'Okay, you can hug me back,' Remus said after a moment. And James very gently wrapped his arms around Remus and squeezed him. Remus laughed and pulled away.
'Nothing. I didn't feel scared at all,' he said with a huge ass grin on his face.
'My turn,' Peter said, holding out his arms for his own hug.
Remus immediately went to him. And he didn't have any trouble hugging Peter either. When Remus released Peter, he turned around and locked eyes with Sirius.
'Thank you.'
Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. 'It was my pleasure,' he said.
Remus smiled at him before turning back to James and Peter. 'I still need to know if I can handle surprise touch when it's not Sirius.'
'Not a problem,' James said. 'Surprise hugs are my speciality.'
'Surprise kisses, too,' Peter said, nodding. 'Watch out for those.'
James grabbed Peter's head and kissed him on the cheek. 'You love my surprise kisses.'
'I don't know why I'm friends with you.' Peter wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and scowled at James.
'It's because you love me,' James said in a voice filled with supreme confidence. 'Because I'm ultra-loveable.'
'Hmm, no, I don't think that's it,' Peter said. 'I think it must be all the money.'
James shoved him. 'Well, no more presents for you then.'
'Like you could even stop if you tried,' Peter said, laughing as he stumbled into the wall of the tunnel.
James paused and rubbed his chin. 'No, you're right, I probably couldn't. Good thing I know that was a joke, and you're not friends with me just because I'm rich.'
James' words were confident, but his voice betrayed a certain anxiety, suggesting he wasn't as sure about it as he made out.
Peter noticed it too. 'Of course, it was a joke, James. I don't care about your money.'
James nodded. 'I know.'
'Are we going to keep going, or just hang out in the tunnel all day?' Sirius asked to take the attention off of James, who was looking uncomfortable.
'Yes,' James said, grabbing on to the topic-change with both hands. 'Come on, the sooner we start, the sooner we get out of here.'
As they fell back into step, Sirius wondered if Remus would stop being so physical with him now he was used to it enough to touch other people. After six weeks of almost constant physical affection, he didn't want it to stop.
Then Remus took his hand and leaned into his arm. 'Is it okay if I still do this?' he asked.
Sirius looked down at him. Remus was blushing, and he grinned. 'It's fine with me, Nerd Boy.'
