Special thanks to South Down for helping me write this chapter!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A few hours later Cersei came storming into Tyrion's room. "You bastard! Myrcella is my only daughter. Do you really think I will let you sell her like a common whore?"

"Myrcella is a princess," said Tyrion. "Some would say she was born for this."

"I will not let you ship her off to Dorne as I was shipped off to Robert Baratheon!"

So, Pycelle must have been the spy. Tyrion felt a surge of triumph, but kept his expression level as he replied, "Dorne is the safest place for her. If Chris Griffin or Stannis Baratheon or some other enemy attacks the castle, she'll be out of harm's way."

"Are you mad?" Cersei demanded. "The Martells loathe us!"

"That's why we need to seduce them," said Tyrion. "We're going to need their support in the war your son started."

"She'll be a hostage!"

"A guest," Tyrion corrected calmly.

"You won't get away with this!" Cersei angried. "You think the piece of paper Father gave you keeps you safe? Peter Griffin had a piece of paper too."

"Well, mine isn't written in crayon."

Cersei got so mad that she pushed Tyrion over! "Hey, that wasn't in the script," he complained as he got back up.

To his surprise, Cersei began to cry. Tyrion had not seen his sister weep since they were children together at Casterly Rock. Awkwardly, he took a step toward her. When your sister cried, you were supposed to comfort her… but this was Cersei! He reached a tentative hand for her shoulder.

"Don't touch me," she said, wrenching away. She rushed out of the room.

After she was gone, Tyrion called Bronn in. "Find me Grand Maester Pycelle," he said.

While he waited for Bronn to find him, Tyrion decided to take a shower. He was in the middle of washing himself when he heard a voice shouting, "WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S THAT LYING LITTLE SON OF A BITCH?"

It was Quagmire. He must have uncovered Tyrion's deception! Tyrion dashed from the bathroom and dived under his bed. Quagmire charged in. He saw Tyrion's feet sticking out from beneath the bed. He pulled the dwarf out and started punching him in the head. "You bastard! You told me you were going to marry Mrycella to Robin West! I was hoping I'd get to have sex with Carol again to get her to agree to the deal! Why'd you lie to me, huh?"

"Please… stop," Tyrion gasped. "I knew somebody in this castle was passing information to Cersei. I told three different stories, one to you, one to Varys, and one to Pycelle. The good news is, you've proved you're not the spy."

Quagmire stopped punching him. "That's all well and good for you, but what about me? You promised me Harrenhal!"

"I sincerely apologize," Tyrion said. "But I've got another job for you, a real one this time. I need you to go find Lois Griffin and convince her to free my brother Jaime."

Quagmire's face broke into a smile. "Lois Griffin? I get to go see her instead of her sister? All right! It's like losin' a silver stag and finding a golden dragon!" He ran out merrily.

Then Varys came in. "You bastard! …Is what I said to the wizard who cut off my penis." He started to laugh.

Tyrion exhaled deeply. "So, you're not mad at me?"

"No. That was a pretty clever trick of yours. Just out of curiosity, what would you have done if more than one of us turned out to be a spy?"

"I didn't think of that," Tyrion confessed. "Luckily that didn't happen."

"I can see I'm not dealing with a sweet, weak person like Peter Griffin," said Varys. "You are much, much saltier than he is. May I leave you with a bit of a riddle, Lord Tyrion?" He did not wait for an answer. "In a room sit three great men, a king, a priest, and a rich man with his gold. Between them stands a sellsword, a little man of common birth and no great mind. Each of the great ones bids him slay the other two. 'Do it,' says the king, 'for I am your lawful ruler.' 'Do it,' says the priest, 'for I command you in the names of the gods.' 'Do it,' says the rich man, 'and all this gold shall be yours.' So, tell me- who lives and who dies?"

"The rich man lives, doesn't he?" said a voice from the doorway. It was Bronn.

"Perhaps," Tyrion said thoughtfully. "That would depend on the sellsword, it seems."

"I found your target," said Bronn. "And he's not alone."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tyrion burst into Grand Maester Pycelle's chambers, followed by Bronn, Chinwart and another rat named Whegg, Pycelle woke up with a start, with a nude woman at his side.

"You disappoint me, Grand Maester," sighed Tyrion sardonically.

"What is the meaning of- uh, I mean…" Pycelle rallied again. "Rabjalkalkfshd-"

Bronn and Chinwart yanked him out of bed before he could finish his ramble.

"Ah, so you do talk normal after all," said Tyrion. "How long have you been spying for my sister?"

"Never!" exclaimed Pycelle. "It's a falsehood! I swear it! I told her nothing! It wasn't me!"

He then came up with a lie. "Ah Varys, it was Varys! The Spider! The eunuch has spies everywhere."

"You see, I told Varys I was sending Marcella to stay at Berk. I told Quagmire I was marrying her off to Robin West. I told no one she was going to Dorne, No one but you."

"Well, um, uh…" gulped Pycelle.

"Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats," said Tyrion.

Pycelle gaped.

"Um, but there are no goats here, boss," said Whegg.

"Well make do," said Tyrion.

"No! Please! I am your loyal servant!" begged Pycelle.

"So loyal you told the queen what I was planning?" asked Tyrion.

"All I did, I did for House Lannister, always," said Pycelle. "Your father, ask him. I've always been his servant, since I tricked Aerys into opening the gates to him, DOH!"

Tyrion was shocked. "That was you?!"

"Y-yes…" squeaked Pycelle.

"Why would you do that?" asked Tyrion.

"When Rhaegar died at the Trident, all was lost!" explained Pycelle. "The king was stupid and mad. Viserys was no more than a child. The realm needed a strong leader. I was shown the light and saw Tywin as that leader, so I helped him try and take control, and he would have been king too! If it weren't for that meddling Lord Griffin."

"I suddenly don't like his beard," Tyrion said.

Bronn then grabbed Pycelle's beard, drew a knife and cut it off.

"So ye seem to have a knack for betrayal, Grand Maester?" asked Tyrion. "The Targaryens, Peter Griffin, Adam West."

"Oh, Lord West." said Pycelle. "He knew, he k-k-knew about the queen a-a-and her brother, He planned to tell Robert."

"Ah, so you poisoned him," said Tyrion.

"NO! Never!" Pycelle said offended.

"But you let him die! Made sure he succumbed!" Tyrion yelled.

"Coleman was purging him. I had to act!" Pycelle sniveled.

"Get him out of my sight," Tyrion ordered. "Throw him into one of the black cells!"

Chinwart and Whegg grabbed Pycelle and dragged him away with Bronn following, all while Pycelle yelled and begged pathetically. "Lannister! I've always served Lannister!"

Tyrion sent the whore on her way then surveyed the room, suddenly getting a feeling that something was watching him. He shrugged it off and left the room, unaware of the shadow of a triangle watching him leave.