CHAPTER 39
A week after Ian's birthday, the wonderful news reached the Ridge that Marsali had given birth to a baby boy whom she and Fergus named Germain.
The moment they read the letter, they immediately made preparations to leave for Wilmington the next morning.
Skylar was so excited she could barely sleep that night. As loud, crowded, and stressful as her foster home had been, she missed taking care of the smaller kids; and that was what she had enjoyed at Lallybroch as well. She loved entertaining all 500 of Ian's exhausting nieces and nephews. And now she had her own nephew to love and she could not wait to meet him.
When they set out on their three day journey early the next morning, they tried to ride as long and far as they could each day before needing to stop for the night. Doing so ended up shortening their trip slightly and they arrived just as the sun was fully in the sky on the third day.
They walked into the tavern and up the stairs to Fergus and Marsali's door. Jamie knocked, not wanting to just walk in and intrude on a private moment the new parents may be having with their child, and only a second later, Fergus opened the door and greeted them with a huge smile.
"I'm so happy you could all come so quickly. Come in, meet our son," he said to his family. They followed him inside and he led them to the bedroom.
"Yank, I'm losin' feelin'," Ian whispered to Skylar as they walked.
She loosened her hold on his hand. "Sorry." She was so excited she felt she was about to bust at the seams. But she also felt nervous for some reason, like she was concerned about this week old baby's first impression of her.
When they walked into the room, they saw Marsali sitting on the edge of the bed holding a tiny bundle of blankets in her arms. She looked over to the group who were all frozen at the door, waiting for permission to get closer, and said softly, "Come say hello. He willna bite."
Afraid that any sudden movements would scare the new little human, the four cautiously made their way over to the bed. Skylar sat next to her sister-in-law while Jamie, Claire and Ian stood around them.
Marsali moved the blanket fully off her baby's head so they could see him, and Skylar melted when she saw his face. He had what looked like five strands of brown hair but the longest and thickest eyelashes she had ever seen. He was sound asleep so she couldn't tell what color his eyes were, but he definitely had Marsali's nose. He had the typical pink chubby cheeks of a newborn and his lips were so red it looked like he had been eating cherries.
"Oh my gosh, Marsali. He's a little angel," Skylar commented.
"He's perfect," the new mom agreed. "I could stare at him all day."
"He's so wee. No matter how many bairns I see, I'm always surprised at how small they are," Ian added.
Fergus came up next to Jamie and put a hand on his father's shoulder. "You are a grandpere now, Milord. How do you feel?"
"I've never felt more pride than I do in this moment," he answered. His voice started getting shaky from being so emotional as he went on, "Being a grandparent is somethin' I thought fer so long would never happen. And now…I have no words. I'm so happy." He looked at Claire and they shared a small but loaded smile, knowing they were both thinking about their daughter.
"Auntie Skylar, would you like te hold yer nephew?" Marsali offered.
Skylar looked at her, silently asking if it really was okay. The blonde nodded and Skylar said, "I'd love to."
Marsali carefully traded her son off into Skylar's arms. The first time aunt cradled the little boy and watched him sleep.
"Oh my gosh," she whispered quietly, falling more in love with him as the seconds passed. She looked to Marsali and Fergus and jokingly told them, "Well, it was nice seeing you. I'm just going to be taking him and we'll be going. He's mine now." She pretended to stand up and Fergus put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"Oi," he said, laughing along with everyone else.
"Here, Granny will hold him safe," Claire spoke up. Skylar passed him off, then went next to Ian and put both of her hands on his shoulder, and he put an arm around her waist.
She smiled as she watched everyone fawn over the tiny person, and when he went back to his mother, Skylar saw how happy Marsali was holding him and how her face lit up looking at him, which made a strange feeling start to bubble in her stomach that was becoming recently more familiar.
Oh no, she thought. This isn't good.
She could feel the baby fever coming on and she hoped it was only because of the excitement over her nephew, and that once they left she would be fine again.
She looked at Ian and her heart fluttered at how enamored he was over the baby with his eyes even brighter than usual. She suddenly couldn't help imagining her and Ian with their own little one and living, married, as a family in their own home. She was having these fantasies more and more, but they didn't take place years into the future like ones before. These ones she imagined as soon, and that scared her.
And each time, including now, she would tell herself, What is wrong with me? We can't have a baby now. Not before we've been able to start our life just on our own first. I need to snap out of this. We've had this discussion! We want to wait. Both of us.
She turned her head from Ian at the sound of Germain crying.
"Are ye hungry, mo mhac?" Marsali asked the infant. "Ye ready fer one of yer thousand feeds of the day?"
"We'll leave you, Sky and Milady in peace for that, love," Fergus said. He kissed his wife and went into the next room with Ian and Jamie to give Marsali privacy.
Skylar sat back down on the bed while the new mother undid the buttons on her top to breastfeed. Germain latched on easily, happy to be receiving the milk he had been screaming for.
"Does that hurt?" Skylar wondered.
"Me nipples are a bit sore, but other than that, no. Tis'nt painful."
"You can always try putting a few drops of your breast milk on them to soothe the pain. If they're cracking that'll help heal them as well," Claire advised.
"My own milk? I might try that. They can be quite irritatin' with him drinkin' every few hours."
"Let me know if the pain doesn't go away over the next few weeks. I want to make sure you don't have an infection."
"So, what was it like giving birth?" Skylar asked to change the subject.
"It was no picnic, I can tell ye that. It felt like I was bein' ripped in half from the inside out. Every pain that came just got worse and worse until I was beggin' fer a mercy killin'. Then when I had te push, I thought my parts were on fire and there was no relief."
Skylar held back a grimace, feeling pain just from Marsali describing it. If there was anything that would get rid of her baby fever, that was it.
"Jeez, that sounds like actual hell," she commented.
"It is," Claire agreed. "Pushing a whole human being out of your body is such a feat of strength. And men dare to say we're the weaker sex."
Marsali went on, "But, just when ye feel ye canna do it anymore and yer ready te give up, and yer wantin' te murder yer husband fer doin' this te ye, ye hear yer bairn cry as he takes his first breath. And then every memory of the worst pain of yer life vanishes. Ye hold yer child fer the first time and the most powerful love ye've ever felt just fills ye te where ye think it'll overflow out'a ye." She looked down at her son who had let go of his mother and already fell right asleep again, and she smiled softly, brushing his hair back. "And ye ken that ye'd do it all again fer yer little miracle if ye had te."
Germain gave the tiniest smile in his sleep and tugged hard on the strings on Skylar's heart, and uterus.
Oh, Goddamnit.
Marsali was struggling to rebutton her shirt with one hand, so Skylar offered, "I can hold him for a minute if you want so you can do that." Marsali placed him in her arms and Skylar rocked him very gently.
"Marsali, tell me all the bad things about childbirth again. Please," Skylar pleaded, not taking her eyes off the baby.
"Uh oh," Claire chuckled. "Is there something you need to discuss with Ian?"
"We've had that discussion already. He wants to wai-um…we want to wait a while longer to get married and have babies."
"Both of ye are wantin' te wait?" Marsali questioned, not fully believing her.
Skylar hesitated, then nodded, hoping neither of them saw her pause. She turned her head to them. "Yes. Both of us."
"Yer a terrible liar, Sky."
She tried to think of anything to say that could help her, but she knew no matter what she said, they would be able to see the truth on her face.
"Back at River Run, you were so set against the idea of marriage and children right now," Claire reminded her. "Did something change your mind?"
"I don't know. For a little while now I've been getting more and more comfortable with the idea of getting married sooner rather than later, and having, you know, a family. And when I saw Germain, that feeling just skyrocketed and now I feel like I really really want a baby and it's scaring me. But it doesn't matter though. Ian said that he did not want to yet and he was so glad that I felt the same. So, I'll wait."
"Have you talked to him about your new feelings?"
She shook her head. "I don't wanna scare him. And I'm begging both of you, please do not say anything to him about it. Or Jamie, or Fergus."
"Ye never know though, Skylar. If yer mind is changin', his could be as well," Marsali debated.
"We agreed that we weren't going to talk about anything regarding marriage or kids for a while, and I intend to keep that agreement. We're so happy right now and in such a good place, I can't risk anything ruining that. Just please promise me neither of you will bring it up."
"I promise," Claire agreed.
"As do I," Marsali followed.
"Thank you. Now, take your son back before I actually steal him."
Marsali chuckled as Skylar passed her child back to her. "Oh, come here, my love. I missed ye."
"I'll bring the men back in," Claire said and went to the door.
Skylar looked up when she felt a hand on her shoulder and smiled when she saw it was Ian. She put her hand on top of his and looked back to Germain.
This can't happen, she kept thinking. I need to get this out of my head. We cannot, and do not want to, have a baby right now.
Jamie, Claire, Skylar and Ian ended up staying the night, which was great because they got to spend more time with Fergus, Marsali and Germain, but Skylar's maternal side was only growing during those hours.
After dinner, Marsali was exhausted, so Jamie and Claire offered to help Fergus clean up while she went to bed. Ian was alone in the living room keeping watch over Germain and Skylar stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room just watching him interact with the baby. He was sitting in a chair holding him, smiling and speaking softly to him. He looked so natural holding a baby, like he was meant to be a father. Skylar sighed quietly as she leaned against the doorframe, feeling like she was being pulled in two totally different directions.
Could we do this? Could we actually get married and have a baby? she continued to think while she laid on a mat in the living room that night. She looked over at Ian who was asleep next to her. This is insane. I shouldn't even be thinking about this. My mind was made up about this just a month ago. We agreed to wait. But maybe Marsali could be right. If I'm starting to change my mind, he could too. And the last time I was so concerned to talk to him about this, he ended up feeling the same way. It could happen again. Omigod! When high school tried to prepare us for the real world, they didn't include how to make the choice on whether to get married and have a baby at 17.
By the time she fell asleep, she decided that she was going to talk to Ian about being going forward with this enormous step.
They all said goodbye to the new parents and their baby the next morning, promising to be back as soon as they could, and started for home.
During the first two days, Skylar planned out in her head what she was going to say to Ian. She figured just being straight about it would be the best, but it was also much more terrifying.
Every time she had an opportunity to bring it up as they rode, she chickened out. She would go to him, open her mouth to start, but would always immediately change her mind and say something completely different. And each time, she would repeatedly mentally kick herself.
This is just like when I wanted to tell him I love him. I kept putting it off, and what happened? He got freakin' kidnapped by pirates. I just need to get this over with.
The third night that they stopped, Jamie and Claire had gone to sleep and left Skylar and Ian sitting next to the fire. He had his arm around her shoulders, and her head rested on his shoulder. She delicately drew circles on his knee and was fixated on her fingers going around and around.
It was silent, save the crackling of the fire and an owl whoing every so often. But Skylar dared herself to break it and said, "I still can't believe Fergus and Marsali are parents. Just a year ago they were only courting.
"Aye. They definitely didna waste any time."
Skylar laughed. "Yeah. But they seem really happy with Germain."
"They are. They're goin' te be good parents."
"They really are." She took in a large breath and went on, "Seeing them made me think that maybe we could-"
"But, Christ, are they exhausted," he interrupted, not realizing he had done so. "Seeing me siblings wi' their new bairns, I'm able te tell; no matter how hard they try te hide it."
"Well, that's understandable. Taking care of a brand new baby is a lot of work."
"Oh, aye. Between the feedin's and the cryin' and havin' te keep cleanin' his linen and no gettin' any sleep, it's a wonder they havena pulled all of their hair out'a their heads."
"But all of that is worth it for your child, right?"
"Oh, of course it is. Wi'out a doubt. When we have one, I'll do everythin' I can te do te make sure he is cared fer and loved wi' me whole soul. But I'd be lyin' if I said I wasna glad we dinna have one yet."
Skylar's stomach turned. "Really? You still think us waiting is the right choice?"
"I do. Can ye imagine if we had a bairn of our own right now? We'd be goin' out of our minds. Not only is there not enough room on the Ridge fer the four of us plus a baby, but we wanted te stay in America so we could have our own excitin' life and not be like me Ma and Da. We've barely scratched that surface. There's so much more fer us te see and do on our own first before we feel any need te settle down."
She just responded with an almost inaudible, "Yeah."
He suddenly took his arm off her, causing her to sit up. "I'm so sorry, Yank. Ye were goin' te say somethin' before I started goin' off and I just fully interrupted ye. What was it?"
"Oh, um…I was going to say exactly what you just did. It's a good thing we're waiting for a while. To enjoy our, uh…our freedom."
"I'm so happy that ye still think the same way and we can agree on this. I'm sure in a few years we'll be much more ready fer that responsibility."
She nodded with a tight smile. "Definitely."
Her heart sunk. She wasn't surprised though. She knew this was how he felt and why she had known it was useless to even try to have this conversation. But there had been that tiny part of her that thought just maybe he might've started to change his mind.
At least I now know for sure, she thought, trying to stay positive. Besides, it wasn't like I was really serious about this. I'd only just started thinking more about it. By tomorrow morning, I'll be fine and completely back to normal.
And try as she might the next morning, and the days following back on the Ridge, there was the smallest bit inside her that felt empty. She knew what the only thing that could fill it was, but she didn't bring it up again, not even to Claire. She would just push it deep down and do whatever she could to not think about it.
What helped with this was that on their way out of Wilmington, they had picked up the rest of the furniture they had ordered for the cabin and brought it back with them. So, Skylar was able to help Jamie set everything up and get the finishing touches done on their home. And after a week, the cabin was finally ready to be lived in.
As Jamie and Claire moved their things from the shelter into the cabin, Skylar and Ian wondered if there was a chance they might be left by themselves in the shelter. But Jamie made it very clear that Skylar was to sleep in the cabin as well, separate from Ian. They couldn't say they were shocked by the decision, but they definitely weren't happy about it. They went along with it, however, because they knew arguing would get them nowhere, and only make Jamie more unwilling to ever give them privacy.
Daily life continued on as normal. With the cabin complete, their main focus shifted to bringing settlers onto the land. Jamie had come up with an agreement for the tenants that was more than affordable. Anyone who settled onto the land would receive 100 acres with no rent until they were able to produce a good harvest. Once they had the harvest, their rent would then be no more than one half penny per acre per year. It was any farmer's dream. Jamie and Ian had the plan to go into Woolam's Creek to meet with the Scottish settlers and share their proposal.
"There's no way in hell any of them can refuse this offer. They'd be stupid to," Skylar commented. Jamie had asked her to come with them, but Skylar decided to stay back to help Claire with the Mueller family's daughter's birth.
When Claire had been out one day gathering herbs, she met a woman named Rosewitha Mueller and her pregnant daughter, Petronella. They lived only a couple miles from Fraser's Ridge with the rest of their family. Being told that they had no midwife, and the nearest one being 3 days away, Claire offered her services which they gladly accepted.
When Claire told the others about this, Skylar jumped at the opportunity to assist. She figured that it would be good for her to know how births happen in this century since she would be going through it herself one day, but she also thought that being around someone else's baby might help to fill that still empty spot in her.
They went to the Mueller's the next day to do an exam on Petronella and found out she was almost at full term. Claire ordered her to be on full time bed rest and she and Skylar came to check on her again later that week. When they came the second time, Gerhard and Tommy, Rosewitha's husband and son respectively, had arrived home from Cross Creek.
"My wife has told me all about you, Frau Clara," Gerhard said when he met them. "About how much you and your daughter are helping my Petronella prepare for the baby."
When Claire had introduced Skylar to the Muellers as her daughter, Skylar very nearly started crying. It made her feel warm inside every time Jamie referred to her as his daughter, but she didn't know that hearing Claire say it was something she needed.
"It's about time I start saying it, since it's the truth," Claire told her with a smile. Skylar couldn't have been happier to know Claire saw her as her own and she reciprocated the feeling of thinking of Claire as another mother. She didn't feel ready to call her Mom yet though, and Claire understood and respected that completely. "I hope you know that I would never try to replace your real mother," she assured the young girl, and Skylar believed her wholeheartedly.
After their third check in on Petronella, Claire decided that they would come back when Jamie and Ian left, and stay with the Muellers until the baby came so they didn't have to keep going back and forth, especially since the soon to be mother would likely go into labor very soon.
During the week in between their last visit and when they would go to stay, Skylar was starting to get sick. It was just the beginnings of a cold with a runny nose and constant cough, but it was extremely annoying. She didn't have any DayQuill, throat lozenges or even tissues to help her get through it. All she could do was try to sleep it off, drink the broth Claire made for her, and hope it didn't get much worse.
While she was sick, Ian waited on her hand and foot. He always made sure that her water and broth were refilled, and that she was comfortable in her bed. If she needed anything, such as a new handkerchief, a clean spoon, anything and everything, he would jump up to get it for her so she would not have to move. She would tell him again and again that he did not have to do this, she was capable of walking 10 feet to pour a glass of water.
"I ken ye are," he always responded, but then would go right back to serving her. She ended up just letting it happen without arguing since she knew he would continue no matter what she said.
Before she got sick, Skylar had noticed that he seemed more tired than usual; and it was not getting any better . The shadows under his eyes were darkening and his energy wasn't as its usual level 9 or 10. She could tell he was trying to hide it from her, which only worried her more.
Whenever she would ask him about it, he would say, "It's yer rest that I'm more concerned about. Dinna mind me." That answer never satisfied her, but she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. It could just be her constant concern about him that was making her paranoid and he might just be having trouble sleeping; a normal problem for someone to have sometimes.
She woke up one night 5 days into her cold with her throat on fire. She had to go outside to refill the water pitcher, and when she did, she saw Ian sitting on the ground at was the dying embers of the fire.
She walked to him and asked, her voice a little rough, "Are you alright, Youngin'?"
He turned to look at her. "Why are ye out of bed? Ye need te sleep."
"As do you, yet here you are." She sat next to him.
"I'm fine, Yank. I promise. I just couldna sleep."
"And how many nights have you not been able to sleep for?" He just looked at the small orange dots still flickering on the logs. "Ian?"
"Near a week," he answered in a whisper.
"A week? You haven't slept in a week?"
"It's no that I havena slept at all. Fer many'a those days, I kept wakin' up, and I would eventually fall back asleep but it wouldna be easy. Then the last couple I've been too scared te try."
"Why are you scared to sleep?" He didn't answer her. She moved closer to him and took his hand. "Ian, you know you can tell me anything. We had this same conversation when you didn't want to tell me about Geillis. I meant it then and I mean it now. I love you more than life itself and nothing will ever change that." He shut his eyes tight when she mentioned Geillis and he squeezed her hand, both of which she noticed. "Does this have to do with her? Are you having nightmares again?"
He opened his eyes, but didn't look at her. "I dinna ken why they've come back. I thought it was all behind me."
"Ian, why didn't you tell me you were having the nightmares?"
"Because they're the last thing ye should be worryin' about. I dinna need ye to be concerned fer me while yer so sick. Ye should only be focusin' on tryin' te get healthy. Besides, they shouldna be affectin' me like this anymore. It happened so long ago, I should be over all of this." His voice sounded frustrated and angry, both emotions directed at himself for, again, thinking this was somehow his fault.
She gently put her hand on his face and turned him to face her. "You are the most important thing to me always. Whether I'm sick or healthy, whether you're happy, sad, angry, calm, whatever. I don't give a shit if I'm coughing my lungs out. I care so much more that you're okay, and I want to know when you're not." She cupped his cheek and stroked him with her thumb. "And it wasn't so long ago. It's still very fresh. What you went through was severely traumatic and it is very okay and normal that you're not "over it." Honestly, I'd be more worried if you were. It's going to take a very long time to move past what happened." She took her hand off his face and placed it on top of his hand that she was already holding. She took a breath and admitted, "I still have nightmares about Stephen Bonnet sometimes."
"Ye do?" He sat up straighter and though it was dark, the worry for her, and some residual guilt, was clear on his face.
She nodded. "I talk to Claire about them because I know if you or Dad knew, your guilt would come right back full force. But whenever I wake up from one and I'm shaking and scared, I remember what my mom would always tell me when I came to her after a nightmare. She would hold me as tight as she could, and stroke my hair and say, 'Wherever you thought you were, we're both still here.' And she would repeat that over and over until I had calmed down."
"And that still works?"
"It does. When I would wake up from one next to you, I would watch you sleep and think it silently and I would feel so much better. Maybe you can try it if you have another one. It could help you too."
"How can I when yer not in bed wi' me anymore?"
"You can always find Rollo. He's never more than an inch away from you." That made Ian smile and laugh, which made Skylar smile. Without thinking, she leaned in and kissed him. After a couple seconds, she pulled back and said, "Omigod, I'm still so sick. I should not have done that. I'm so sorry."
"If I end up gettin' a wee cold from kissin' ye, it'll be more than worth it." He closed the space between them and continued where she stopped.
They didn't intensely makeout like they usually would when they were alone. They were sweet and soft, using the kiss to let the other know how much they loved and supported and cared for them.
When they broke apart, they kept their foreheads lightly pressed together. Skylar touched his face again and said, "I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am here for you with whatever you need, whenever you need it. I will do anything I can to help you through this, no matter how long it takes."
"It might help me sleep tenight if yer lyin' next te me."
Skylar laughed. "Yeah, and then you'll sleep forever when Dad finds us alone in bed in the morning and kills you. But I'll stay out here with you until you're ready to try to sleep." She wanted to bring him inside and have him sleep in her bed with her, but the bed Jamie made for her was way too small for them to share (which she figured he did on purpose) and she didn't want to risk getting him sick with them being pressed together all night. So she just had him lay his head on her lap and repeated every so often while she stroked his hair, "Wherever you thought you were, we're both still here."
Hello my loves! So, I am so sorry but hiatus is not officially over. But I really wanted to post on the first anniversary of Yank, or the American Sassenach's first chapter! I cannot believe a year has already gone by with this story! A million billion trillion thank you thank you THANK YOU to everyone who had read, favorited, followed, reviewed and any combination! I am so excited to continue to share Skylar's story which is far from over.
That being said, I have a question for y'all. When I am 100% back and posting, would you rather have one update a week with extra long chapters, and I mean extra long like 8,000 or more words? Or, would you rather have two regular updates a week? One super long chap a week, or two more average length chapters a week? If you could please let me know your opinion I would be so grateful! You can put it in a review, or I put a poll on my profile you can vote in.
P.S.! I've brought YotAS over to Archive Of Our Own as well! I will be updating the story both here and there, so if y'all have any friends that are Outlander fans and only have accounts on AO3, let them know it's there too!
Thank you all so much for sticking with me during this hiatus and I promise it is almost over! I love ye all verra verra much and I hope you are all staying safe and healthy.
