Disclaimer: No, I don't own Teen Titans.

Chapter 60

Beast Boy took a deep breath and held it in, bracing himself as he knocked on Raven's door.

Why did it seem like he was always apologizing to her? Oh, right. Because he always WAS.

"Raven," he called, through the edge of the door, as if it had a space through which sound could travel. It didn't, of course. The tower was too well-constructed for the doors to leave a gap so wide that prying eyes could sneak a glance inside. But Beast Boy lacked this knowledge, or concern. Besides - it didn't matter much when his roommates could easily break down his door or teleport into his room. Raven had already done that. And she, unlike him, had NOT apologized.

"Go away."

"I'm sorry," he told her through the door, "I shoulda known."

But really - should he have? He wasn't a mind reader, and Raven was right - she didn't show her feelings. So he'd taken the facts as he saw them and assumed. But as Raven had told him, assuming makes an a-

"GO. AWAY."

"If that's really how you feel," Beast Boy persisted, as he often did, "then maybe we should talk abo-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Raven's door opened unexpectedly, and Beast Boy stumbled backwards, "what I want is for you to LEAVE."

"Nuh-uh," Beast Boy shook his head, stubbornly folding his arms, "not gonna happen."

Raven glared at him.

Beast Boy glared back.

Raven slid the door shut - but Beast Boy blocked it with his arm, forcing it to reopen.

"OWWWWW!" Beast Boy cried, cradling his arm to his chest.

"Serves you right," Raven turned her back, but Beast Boy grabbed her shoulder with his good arm, forcing her to turn.

"Raven, come on, don't do this!"

"Do what?" She challenged.

"Shut me out! Shut all of us out!"

"I don't." She countered. And to be fair, she hadn't, or at least, nor nearly as much as she had when the team first formed.

"Just let me in, Raven!" He struggled to hold the door open as she closed it yet again, straining against it, "I've spent weeks telling you about all the stuff I'm worried about, and you've said nothing!"

"That's not true," she half-lied. She'd responded. She just hadn't shared quite as much.

"Look," Beast Boy managed to reverse the door's motion, "I'm your friend, Raven. And we're in this together. You're not alone," his familiar words echoed in her mind, "I just...want to know how you're doing," he said pleadingly, "I just want to make sure you're ok. Because I thought you were," he confessed, "but you're not. Are you?"

Raven glared at the ground.

Ok was such a useless word. A placeholder, for when you couldn't think of anything else to say, or a flimsy disguise for when the response to a comment is anything but "fine". So sure, Raven was ok. She didn't "miss" the kids in the truest sense of the word. She liked the quiet. She liked the tranquility. She liked her freedom. She didn't want them back, not really. She'd said that much to Robin - and it was true. All of it. But did that mean she wasn't scared for them? Did that mean she didn't blame herself for not being faster or smarter, or done anything to stop Ravager's attack? Of course not.

She knew what kind of a monster Slade was. She could still feel his vice-like hands bruising her arms, as her clothes were burned to shreds and he forced her to watch as the world burned in a fiery premonition before her eyes. There was no reason Ravager was any better, despite what they had seen at the mall. Who knew what she had done to them, to make them act that docile? Had she threatened them? Who knew what scars were hidden beneath the holorings' veneer?

Raven was half-demon, yes. She often kept the depths of her emotions from the world, lest she destroy it. But she was human, too. And she did care.

Why couldn't anyone understand that?

She raised her eyes to Beast Boy.

He was probably the last person on Earth that could "get" her. But here he was. Like all those times before. Trying to. Trying more than anyone else ever had.

Her eyes softened, and she said, in a voice much milder than she had before, "I'm not."

Beast Boy's brow furrowed, and, for a moment, Raven regretted letting her vulnerability show through. Beast Boy was far to immature to comprehend the complexity of her emotions. Even now, he looked too confused to even say-

"Can I come in?" He asked.

And Raven nodded.

/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\

The door slid open, and a groggy Starfire sat up. She'd become a lighter sleeper than Robin himself, since the kids had gone. Every sound, every creak of the floorboards, or swish of a door, or patter of rain upon the windows could be some sacred sign that they'd returned. She was aware it was illogical to think such things. But it did little to stop her heart from racing.

"Robin?" She asked, shielding her eyes against the light of the hall.

"Hey Star," he closed the door behind him, "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It is fine, boyfriend Robin," she smiled, "I am sure that the slumber will return most quickly!"

Robin smiled as he sat on the bed, starting to pull off his boots.

"I just had the weirdest interaction with Raven and Beast Boy," he told her, "they were hugging."

"Hugging?" Starfire, who was now completely sobered, deeply invested in whatever minor drama Robin was about to divulge.

"Yeah," Robin grunted as he got his first foot free - his boots were almost indestructible, but not nearly as flexible - and took hold of the second, "Raven said they were talking about the kids."

"Oh," Starfire's face fell, disappointed with the lack of interesting detail, "that does not sound 'weird'."

"But when does Raven ever talk to Beast Boy?" Starfire moved to respond, and Robin corrected himself, "I mean, voluntarily?"

"Friends Beast Boy and Raven do much of the talking, as do all of our teammates. So they not?" She furrowed her brow, questioning her understanding of the word "talk".

"ARGHH," Robin yanked the second boot off, "no - I mean, they were having one of those deep conversations. Usually they only do that when Raven's forced to. Like when Marie held them hostage. Or when Beast Boy keeps pounding on her door."

Robin was well aware of the two's discussions, how on some days Beast Boy's smile lacked it usual sincerity, and he'd go knock on Raven's door until she let him in. He'd listened in-overheard them, and he knew that Beast Boy was using her as a sounding board. It didn't sound like Raven had much to offer in the way of comfort. Robin only heard the occasional sigh and "I know" and "there's nothing we can do" and other placating words from the empath. It was...kind of a boring conversation, to be honest. Not that Beast Boy's concerns were invalid. It was just that, well, they weren't helpful. And they were what everyone was thinking, anyway. No one really needed to listen to him voice the words already racing around their own minds.

But this was different. Beast Boy hadn't cornered her in her room, or openly confessed what was going on. He'd looked scared. Raven's explanation was calm and smooth, but that did little to convince Robin that there wasn't something else at play. He was a pretty good detective, after all.

"I still do not see the importance," Starfire yawned, lying back down.

"Beast Boy was terrified."

"Of what did he possess the fear?" Starfire asked, only mildly more interested.

"I'm not sure - but Raven was clearly giving an excuse."

"Why would friend Raven give the excuses?" Starfire sat up, her interest piqued again.

"I don't know," Robin shook his head, "I mean, they were hugging, and I walked in, and they jumped away from each other-"

"They did the hugging," Starfire squealed, "and friend Raven did not do the hurting or the pushing away of friend Beast Boy?!"

"I mean...it looked like she shoved him when I walked in..."

"Because you had done the finding of out!" She insisted, giddily floating above the bed, the covers falling off her slender frame.

"Uh...what did I find out?" Robin asked, not understanding his girlfriend's sudden rush of emotion.

"Friends Beast Boy and Raven are-" she stopped herself, opened the door to the bedroom, looked down the hall both ways, then shut the door and whispered, "doing the going of out!"

"...what?" Robin stared at her in disbelief.

"Did you not say that they did the acting of 'weird'?"

"They did, but-"

"And the jumping of fear when you entered?"

"Yeah, but-"

"And the hugging that stopped only when you arrived?" She pressed, pushing her excited face into his.

Robin scooted back, away from the intensity of her grin.

"I don't think that's what was happening," Robin replied, "I think they were hiding something."

"The most forbidden of romance!" Starfire declared.

"No," Robin corrected her, "I think they were doing something else - like accessing files they shouldn't be, or-"

"Oh, Robin," Starfire shook her head in pity, lowering herself beside her boyfriend and placing a condescending hand upon his back, "were you not unaware of the feelings I had for you?"

Robin blushed.

"Um..."

"Were you not shocked to know that I harbored the jealousy of," she cringed as she finished with, "Kitten?"

"I mean, I guess I was a little confu-"

"You lack the ability to see what is before your eyes," Starfire informed him, "but fear not," she smiled, "for I shall make the mystery of the romance clear to you, so you will not continue to possess the obliviousness!"

"I'm...kind of insulted."

"Do not be," Starfire told him, "we all posses the faults!"

As a known perfectionist, Robin wasn't particularly happy with that statement, but he let it go. There were more important things at stake. Could Raven and Beast Boy really be sneaking around like that? They had spent a ton of time together when Marie was around. Raven said she practically "bore her soul" to him - her words, not Robin's. Maybe Starfire was right. Maybe he was oblivious.

"Maybe you're right," he shrugged, "I'll have to do some digging."

"You will do nothing of the sort!" Starfire exclaimed, "the romance but do the blossoming without the interference!"

"But-"

"None of the buts! Only the yesses!" She glared at Robin, "you must promise that the love of friends Beast Boy and Raven will not be spied upon!"

"Fine," he grumbled, then, thinking of something, smiled mischievously, "I won't spy on them. Promise," he held his hand up.

Starfire swooped down and hugged him, pinning him to the bed, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Glorious!"

"And what about you?" Robin asked, sitting back up as she released her hold of him, "why do I feel like you're going to interfere?"

"Interfere I shall not!" Starfire declared, and Robin raised a skeptical brow, "the asking for the details is not the spying. I shall do the respecting of their privacy!"

"Because asking personal questions is really respectful."

"Hmph," Starfire turned away.

"Ok, ok," Robin backed down, not willing to prolong a fight Starfire was definitely not going to let him win, "I'm sorry. Asking questions is definitely less invasive."

Starfire smiled, satisfied, and got back into bed.

"Goodnight Robin!" She said brightly.

She almost didn't feel Robin get into bed beside her, and wrap his arms around her - something she normally deeply enjoyed. But not tonight. Tonight, her thoughts were only of Beast Boy and Raven, and the wedding she would plan with pink balloon hearts and fluffy dresses and Silkie in a tuxedo...

/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\

"So..." Beast Boy started awkwardly, sitting next to Raven on her bed, "what's up?"

"Original."

"Hey," Beast Boy said, frustrated, I thought you were going to talk."

Raven sighed. She supposed the sooner she explained herself, the sooner her annoying, green teammate would leave her room. And so she began.

"I was raised by the monks of Azarath," Raven stated.

"Dude, I know that," Beast Boy scoffed, before remembering that he was supposed to be being all supportive and coughed before saying, "go on?"

Raven glared at him before continuing.

"My father was Trigon."

Beast Boy stifled a "DUH" and nodded.

Raven fixed her gaze on him, clearly aware of the words he hadn't uttered.

"But no one," she turned away, for now she'd come to a topic far less comfortable - if one could call a group of pacifist monks and a demon comfortable topics, "ever mentions Arella."

"Arella?" Beast Boy asked.

He scanned his brain for all the facts they'd learned about Raven when they'd done all that research about Trigon. There was the magic stuff they looked up to make the safe room, and the whole violent, gory, world-destruction-y life of Trigon, but Arella didn't ring a bell.

"My mother."

Beast Boy looked at her in shock. It had honestly never dawned on him that Raven ever even had a mother. Sure, it made sense. But her dad wasn't human. Did demons even need another person to have a kid? Couldn't they just like throw a toenail on the ground and have it magically grow into another demon? But there was no way Raven was a demon-toenail-baby. She was probably a demon-tongue-baby, since she was always yelling at hi-

"I'm not going to keep talking if you're not going to listen," Raven dragged him back to the present.

"No no no!" Beast Boy leapt closer on the bed, "I'm listening!"

"Fine," she gave him a pointed look before proceeding with her thoughts, "Arella was the bride of Trigon."

"Trigon married someone?!" Beast Boy asked, incredulous, trying to imaging the hulking red demon being all mushy with a woman.

Raven nodded.

"He'd taken the form of a human."

Now he was a shapeshifter?! Was there anything that guy couldn't do?!

"Before Trigon, she was a foster kid, I think," Raven recalled what Azar told her, those many years ago when she had asked about her mother's time on Earth, "and from what I hear, they're not always the best places."

Beast Boy nodded. He'd had his fair share of crummy guardian.

"So she didn't really have anyone."

Beast Boy frowned. It seemed Arella wasn't all that different from the Titans.

"And then she met these people, and they were nice to her, and they accepted her."

Beast Boy smiled. Yup, just like the titans!

"But it turned out," and Beast Boy could tell the story was about to take a darker turn - not really surprising, since Trigon had to factor in at some point, "that they were in a cult, that-"

"Let me guess," Beast Boy interrupted, "they worked for Trigon."

"Worshipped," Raven corrected, mildly annoyed by his inability to stay quiet while she spoke, "and they introduced her to Trigon, and he seduced her, and married her, and..."

Raven didn't like to use the term that described the brutal act that had conceived her.

Instead, she just said, "consent wasn't that important to him."

Beast Boy cocked his head, completely lost. Then, after a moment, his eyes widened, and he offered a small, "oh."

"Arella wanted to get rid of me," Raven stated, "and I don't blame her."

Beast Boy tried to speak but Raven shot him a warning look. He knew how Raven felt about her own existence. Her mother obviously hadn't helped the situation.

"But the monks of Azarath took her in, and she had me, and she just...let them take me."

"So she wasn't around much, I guess?" Beast Boy surmised.

Raven shook her head.

"The monks were fine," Raven shrugged, "the head monk - Azar, took a special interest in me. She taught me how to control my powers, spells...she's the reason I was ever even allowed outside."

Raven paused, remembering the woman.

"But she wasn't my mother. Arella was always there, in the background. I knew who she was, and I saw her - sometimes. But she didn't..." Raven paused to collect herself, a lone tear running down her cheek at the confession, "she didn't want to be near me. It felt," another tear dripped down, "like she wished I didn't exist."

Raven raised her eyes to Beast Boy's.

"And I know she did. You don't try to get rid of a baby because you want them around."

Beast Boy wished, desperately, that there was something he could say, but he came up blank. He couldn't just claim that she was wrong. The facts she was telling him were pretty incriminating.

"So when I think about Marie, and how much better it is when she's not around," Raven's cheeks were turning into rivers, "I...I know I'm just like her."

"NO," Beast Boy said firmly, "you're NOT."

"How is it any different?" Raven asked, "Arella tried to kill me before I was born, and the first time I heard Marie call me 'Mommy', I couldn't understand why I didn't do the same thing."

Beast Boy felt her words like a dagger to his heart, but he knew where they were coming from, so he swallowed his emotions.

"But you wanted Marie, remember?"

"Future me wanted her," Raven corrected, "but I basically handed her to Ravager. Just like she did with...with..."

Raven swallowed, finding it difficult to speak through her tears.

But Beast Boy understood.

"You are NOT, your mom," Beast Boy held her shoulders firmly, causing her to look up from the floor and meet his eyes, "Marie knows who you are, and loves you, and knows that you love her, even if you don't." Raven tried to protest, but Beast Boy pressed on, "you didn't give her to Ravager. And you even said you'd take her away - all the way to Tamaran," He emphasized, "does that sound like the kind of mom that doesn't want to raise their kid?"

"But I don't," Raven reminded him, "I want her gone."

"But you don't want her with Ravager. You said it yourself, right? You still care about her - you're not the kind of person that abandons their kid, Raven. Even if you don't want her there, that doesn't mean you're not going to fight for her, or leave her somewhere all alone so she'll never see you again, right?"

He looked deep into Raven's eyes and resolutely stated, "you are NOT your mother, Raven. Not even close."

"...really?" She asked, hating how desperate she was to hear his reply. As if his words meant anything.

"Really," he smiled.

And for some reason, even though her brain insisted he was wrong, she couldn't help but trust him.

"Thank you," she smiled.

"Anytime, Rae," Beast Boy grinned back.

"Now," Raven stood, pulling her hood over her head in a effort to regain some semblance of intimidation, "get out of my room."

Beast Boy rose obediently and headed for the door.

"And don't stay up playing video games," she commanded, "we have a lot of work to do tomorrow."

Beast Boy turned back to her and raised an eyebrow.

"If we want to get Marie back, we're going to have to find 'Lily'."