Now we come to what was easily my favorite bedtime story, if only for the faces Kazuma would make as he told it. The voices he used for Wiz and Iris were especially good, and I swear the man took lessons for Aqua on how to do shadow puppets. -NS
In all honesty, I can safely say that the thing everyone most gets wrong about my legend is that everyone seems to think I'm some sort of mastermind who relentlessly hunted down his foes in a sweeping and swift campaign. The reality is, for the most part, enemies hunted ME down, or at least my party members. In the cases where that didn't happen, I basically stumbled on them. Really, if they'd just let me run away all those generals would still be kicking around, but each and every one of them seemed to think that peace was never an option.
Peace is always an option, if people would just sod off and leave me alone.
Well, and stay out of Iris's way.
While I may have had the poor sense to trek out to the countryside to go monster hunting, before long, my rational mind reasserted itself, and I began to worry. A wyvern or a catoblepas are rather dangerous, and we didn't have along Eris to save us from their toxins. And I didn't think all that soap I still had on me would help. I glanced at Wiz, wondering if she was up for this.
I should have remembered she only moonlighted as a shopkeeper. "Er, Wiz, happen to have any anti-poison potions on you?"
"Oh, no, as an undead, I'm immune to most poisons," Wiz said, shaking her head. "Don't worry, Kazuma, I'm certain we can deal with this, and keep the poor farmers from being hurt."
"Don't worry, Big Bro just wants to make sure everyone's safe! But no stealing my kills! I'm totally going to smash whatever monster this is!" Iris bragged.
"I don't suppose you're immune to poison, are you?" I asked dryly.
"Nah, but they can't poison you if they're dead!" Iris said cheerily. She did have a point, but the validity of said point is questionable at best.
It didn't take us long to find the first farm, where the weeping dead farmer's wife showed us the blighted field and the bones of the livestock, which were bleached white and picked clean.
"No," Wiz growled upon seeing the bones. She spun to face the farmer's wife, her face livid. "Your husband. He was like this?"
"I, yes, I'm sorry, I don't-"
Wiz took a deep breath, then put a hand on her shoulder. "It will be fine. This is Kazuma, the Hero of Belzerg, and her Royal Highness, Princess Iris. We shall avenge your husband."
The woman blinked in confusion, as Wiz turned around and strode away, a trail of frost forming in her footsteps.
"Wiz, do you know what monster this is?" Iris asked, skipping along eagerly. "It looks strong!"
"You could say that," Wiz growled. "It's a poison slime."
Upon hearing this, I relaxed considerably. I know. I can't believe I was such a moron either. "Oh, is that all? Well, I suppose we'll be fine then."
"Wow, really? I thought all the poison slimes were dead!" Iris said eagerly. This should have been my second clue.
"All but one," Wiz growled as she continued to leave an icy wake. "I know this slime."
"You do?" I asked, surprised. "Why, he a fellow merchant?"
"He is Hans. He swore to me he wouldn't kill innocents. It seems he has broken that vow. That farmer was no threat to anyone," Wiz cried, turning around, and I could see her eyes glistening with tears of grief and rage.
"Well, I mean, he's a slime. They're not exactly very intelligent," I said with a shrug. "I'm sure we can take care of it. You think a slime will satisfy you, Iris, since it's the last one and all?"
"Of course! Father will be ever so pleased! Too bad you can't really make a trophy of them though," Iris bemoaned, but she had a wide smile on her lips.
"Well, let's deal with this Hans and get back in time for supper, eh?" I said, feeling better about the whole situation, as we didn't have an actual dangerous monster to face. Or so I thought.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Was I mad? I hear it's not a wyvern or a catoblepas, but a poison slime, and I relax? What sort of idiot would do such a thing? Well, me, mostly. You see, back in Japan, we had games with slimes in them. They were universally the weakest monsters, the sort that even a child with only a wooden stick could take on with little risk of injury. I figured, I was an experienced Adventurer. Slimes were no threat to me, let alone Iris or Wiz.
Sometimes, I really wish I could go back in time and slap myself silly. Mostly for what I did to Yunyun, but the incident with Hans is a close second.
The worst part is we would have lost the trail fairly quickly if I hadn't volunteered to use my tracking skill to follow along when Hans stopped leaving his trail of blight. We raced along to several farms, where we found more eaten animals and one tragically eaten little girl. Relax, Wiz dragged Aqua out there the next morning, everyone was fine. Except for me.
Our trail led into town, to one of the bath houses.
"Hmm, that's odd," I said, rubbing my chin. "Wouldn't people have noticed that a slime came through?"
"Hanz can take on the form of anyone he's eaten," Wiz said tightly. "One moment. I need to speak to the proprietor. Iris, come with me. Kazuma, keep anyone from coming in."
"Why? I asked, feeling baffled.
"If Hanz has been here, the water is poisoned. That's what makes him truly formidable. He can taint a pool just by touching it enough to make someone sick. If he really tries, it will kill anyone that drinks or baths in the water," Wiz said grimly. "Iris, I'll need you to close this bathhouse until we've straightened this out."
I kept a few baffled bathers out, until the owner appeared, hastily putting up a sign that informed everyone the water was dangerous.
"Lady Aqua preserve us," the owner gasped once the sign was up, making the odd wheel shape with her fingers the Axis cult uses for its holy sign.
"I can go get her if you need me to," I told the proprietor. "She's a goddess of water, right? If she's not too hungover I'm certain she can fix things up for you."
The owner looked at me oddly for a moment, then gasped. "You're Kazuma, the-"
"-man who's in charge of sanitation, it seems. Don't worry, I'll see to it Aqua is rousted out of bed and sees to cleaning things up. It's the least she can do after today's mess," I said, and turned away.
In hindsight, perhaps bandying about that I was on familiar terms with the city's patron goddess wasn't the wisest thing I could have done if I wished to remain inconspicuous. It just leads to all sorts of stupid rumors. Even if most of them are true. Not the one about Chris being mine and Aqua's love child. Well, I mean, it sort of is, but they get all the details wrong. Don't tell Chris I said that.
Anyway, we tracked Hans through the city using my skills, with Iris eagerly prowling alone beside me as Wiz grimly kept pace beside me. I honestly thought I was tracking down a low level mob that had a shapeshifting ability, and it still hadn't gotten through my thick skull I was in over my head.
Really, I don't know why I didn't just accept it. I've been in over my head since I've arrived, and frankly things have just gotten worse with time. Still, it was getting late, and I was tired and wanted to get this all over with so I could have dinner then go to bed. It had been a rather long day. As such, I was far more fastidious about tracking down Hans than I normally would have been. Plus, if this actually was a major threat to the city, that would just lead to all kinds of headaches I didn't want to deal with right then. Or ever, really.
The trail led us through the city, though not to any further bathhouses. Instead, we came to the base of Mount Heisequell, and the path that leads up towards the summit.
"No. No!" Wiz snarled, shaking with rage as she surged forward. "He's going for the source of the Hot Springs! If he poisons that, thousands could die! We have to stop him!"
Iris nodded seriously. "Yeah, Yunyun and Megumin said they were going to take a bath later, if Hans poisons the water while they-KAZUMA! Kazuma, you are not stealing my kill again!"
Like I said, it was late, and I was tired. I figured, I could beat a poison slime by myself, go back, and perhaps catch a glimpse of Yunyun in the bath again. I might even enjoy it this time. In the end, it's when one thinks with the lower brain that you are most likely to end up in deep trouble.
So as you can see, what they say simply isn't true: I didn't defeat Hans out of a concern for the Citizens of Alcanretia. After all, Aqua was around, I'm sure she could have sorted things out eventually even if hundreds had died. I did it so I could peep on Yunyun in the baths. I mean, Eris was around. I'm sure she and Megumin would have been fine. I was just in a hurry, that's all.
While I was in fairly good shape, having spent depressingly large portions of the past year running for my life for various reasons, Iris and Wiz were more than able to keep up with me, despite the fact that we were running up the slope of the mountain. Mount Heisequell isn't terribly tall, only about 400 meters in elevation or so. Well, at least it was then. Still, that's quite a run, but somehow I managed to make it, though my lungs were burning and my legs leaden weights by the time we reached the summit.
I followed Hans's trail straight to a gate guarded by two knights in armor.
"You there!" I gasped, coming to a halt and gasping for breath. Thank goodness I had started that cardio routine, or I'd have never made it. "Who's come through here?"
"Who's asking?" one of the guards demanded, glaring at the three of us.
"I am Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, and this is Kazuma, Hero of Belzerg! Answer him!" Iris roared, her own face flushed from the run as she drew her sword.
One look at Caliber glowing in the night, and the guards quickly saluted, then bowed. "N-no one, your highness! Just us and the caretaker up here!"
"The caretaker, does he live down in the valley, out in the farmland?" Wiz demanded. "Was he near one of the farms attacked?"
The guards exchanged looks, then shrugged. "I mean, he lives down there, but he didn't say anything about that. He was out for a couple of days, but he just went back to check on the springs."
"It's Hans," I said grimly, drawing my sword and trying to still my thundering heart. "Open the gates. We'll deal with this poison slime."
"Hans the Poison Slime?! Goddess preserve us!" The guards quickly opened the gate, and we hurried down the trail to where the pool that fed the towns hotsprings lay.
And that's where we found a man bent over the pool, his hands stuck in it. The pool itself had an oil like slick of a dark putrid substance, and it smelled foul. Not simply of sulfur, but like burned rubber.
"CRYSTAL ICE PRISON!" Wiz roared, raising her hands over her head, and Hans only just lept back as the ice sliced through where he had been.
He spun about, his eyes open wide in shock. "Wiz?! What are you-"
"You swore, Hans!" Wiz snarled, a spear of ice forming above each of her palms. "You swore not to hurt any innocents!"
Hans rolled his eyes. "And you swore yourself to the Devil King, but you're the reason Beldia, Ragecraft, and Vanir are all dead! So who-"
Hans cut off as Wiz hurled both lances. Hans doged one, but the other took him through the chest, and he let out a cry of pain.
"You were going to poison the whole city!" I roared, raising my sword. "My friends are down there! So is the woman I love!"
Ok, look, I was just being melodramatic. After all, I needed to put on a performance to restore my good reputation with Iris. There was no way she didn't believe I was scum at that point. So, I cut off Hans's arm. That was when I first realized that I was, in fact, well and truly in trouble.
For, you see, the arm flopped off, but then it immediately reformed, then reached up to pluck the ice spear out of Hans's chest.
"You got a death wish, kid?" Hans growled. Then, he cocked his head to one side. "Wait, I know who you are! You're that damned hero, Kazu-"
"VICTORY IS MINE!" Iris roared, and leapt forward with Calibur. I jumped back just as Hans took a lazy swipe and me, snatching Iris out of the air and crashing to the ground with her.
"Don't steal my-" Iris began, but I picked her up under my arm and sprinted back with my escape skill. I looked over my shoulder and swallowed, watching as Hans's 'skin' began to bubble and burst as his body swelled.
"Wiz!" I cried. "What's going on?! Is he immune to physical attacks?!"
"He's a slime! They're all immune to physical attacks!" Wiz called back. "Stygian Blizzard!"
"You've betrayed your last general, Wiz," Hans's voice rumbled as he grew in size, taking on a horrific purple blob like shape that was the size of a bloody barn even as ice crystals the size of my head slammed into him. "You and these pathetic heroes die here, now! Then I'll finish poisoning this damnable city! There's two goddesses here, and if I can slay them both, the Devil King will rule the world!"
I set Iris down, feeling panicked. "How the bloody hell do we kill that!? I thought you said he was a slime!"
"Yes, the most dangerous kind of monster!" Iris said eagerly, turning back towards him. "We have to slay him quickly, before he poisons us all!"
"Stay away from him, use ranged attacks," I warned Iris.
"You got it, Big Bro!" Iris dashed forward, swinging her sword like a baseball bat as she launched a series of spells. "SACRED EXPLODE!"
Even Hans felt that one, bellowing in rage as his form shivered. I stumbled, back, watching as Iris danced around Hans and Wiz continued to fire off more icy spells. Hanz just seemed to be absorbing it all. I reached into my pouch and pulled out my slingshot, but when I felt around for my pellets and missiles, all I came up with was a bar of soap the Axis Cultists had foisted on me earlier.
I groaned, and looked around for a rock. The path was on a grassy slope, and there wasn't much to use. Feeling frustrated, I took the bar, placed it in my slingshot, and fired it into Hans.
No sooner did the bar squish into Hans's gelatinous body, then he bellowed in pain, and black smoke hissed from the spot that had absorbed the cleaner. I blinked in surprise. Then I grinned. Of course! This was the holy (allegedly) edible soap of the Axis Cult! And Hans was a poison slime. I quickly plucked more bars from my pouch and began to rapidly fire them at Hans, causing his body to blister and bubble as he slowly began to shrink.
"Keep it up, Big Bro!" Iris shouted. "It's working! Holy Lighting Blare!"
"What is that!? What are you doing!?" Hans shrieked as he continued to melt, dark mist rising from his body. "No! I cannot fail!"
"You're through, Hans!" I laughed. "It's time for you to clean up your act!"
Yes, I know. I must have been delirious, to be spouting lines like that.
"Damn you, Kazuma! But this is all for naught! I'll destroy the Alcanretia Hotsprings! Your friends will all die before you can get back down the mountain!"
And then, Hans turned back towards the hot spring. He'd been moving away from it, chasing after Iris as she danced around him, but now he began to ooze backwards, intent on throwing himself in the spring.
"Wiz, Wiz the water! Freeze it! Don't let him poison the springs!" I called, frantically firing off soap. I still had several dozen bars left, having been foisted with a truly ludicrous amount by the Axis Cultists.
Wiz managed to freeze the spring, but Hans rolled on top of the ice, bearing down on it. I could see it cracking and weakening, both from his weight and corrosive abilities, and from the heat below.
"I can't hold it!" Wiz shouted, panicked. "He's going to get through!"
It was then that I had an idea. Probably the stupidest one I've ever had. I grabbed the remaining soap in my pouch and cloak, and ran forward. I was planning on hurling it into Hans from a distance, hoping that would stop him. I didn't get far before Hans saw me coming.
"Try it, boy, and I take you with me!" Hans bellowed, and I could see him tensing, reading to leap at me as I approached.
I don't know why, but I stopped, just beyond the pool, raising the soap high. In my mind's eye, all I could see was Yunyun in the baths, relaxing, the poison oozing towards her, her doom approaching. I couldn't let that happen. There has always been a shortage of perfect breasts in the world, and it would have been a shame to waste hers.
"I've got soap enough for the both of us!" I cried, and began to chuck bars into Hans.
He roared and leapt off the ice, just before it shattered and faded away. I ran, trying to keep my distance, still throwing bars of soap as Iris rained down destruction, casting Holy Flame Pillar, Blessed Ancient Ray, all that incredibly overpowered magic she knows.
Then, Hans snarled. "Fine! I'll poison the spring!"
I spun about, holding two bars of soap in my hands. "Not if I can help-"
It had been a feint. Hans surged forward, washing over me. I had just enough time to soil my clothes, before they dissolved, along with my entire body.
I'd like to say my last thoughts were of something heroic, that I smiled knowing I had saved Yunyun. Instead, the last thing that went through my head was this:
"Dammit all, not again."
Sometimes I think I might be the only person in the entire world whose grandfather died twice before her father was conceived. Then I remember all my cousins and siblings. Sometimes, I still expect Kazuma to walk right back in the door, even though his funeral was two years ago now. I think we all miss him terribly. -NS
